Saturday, January 12, 2008

We Are Eternal

Clad in sweaters and jeans, Ejami is sitting together on the couch wrapped in each other’s arms

Sami (quietly): “EJ?”

EJ (opening his eyes): “Yes, darling?”

Sami: “As nice as this is, don’t we need some sort of setup? I mean, we’re just happy together in a French ski chalet while the twins are elsewhere? And wasn’t this place in a James Bond movie or something?”

Carpe (disembodied voice): “No. I’m not writing about the stupid wheelchair either. Deal with it.”

EJ (grinning): “You heard the lady. So, what’s up, as she would say. You’re tense, Samantha.”

Sami (pulling away from EJ and turning to face him): “It’s like this, well, two things, really. First, you were pretty hard on me today.”

EJ (acknowledging): “Yes, I was. I’m harsh because I’m no longer willing to be your whipping boy. And because I have to be. It’s the only way to get things done, really, both from a plot perspective and your characterization. You have to come to me on your own terms, and the only way you’re going to do that is if you acknowledge what you feel for me. I confront you so you’ll fight back, and the reason you do is because you do actually love me. If you felt nothing for me, there would be nothing for you to rally against. Eventually, you will realize this yourself.”

Sami: “Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but fair enough, I guess.”

EJ (continuing): “And besides, it’s not like you’ve been some sort of model wife, now, have you? Sleeping with the man across the hall and stringing me along on your leash as if I were some kind of lovesick puppy.”

Sami (conceding): “Point taken.”

EJ: “Okay. So what’s the second thing?”

Sami (frowning): “I’m trying not to be, but I’m really worried about what’s coming up for us. Have you read the spoilers for next week and the week after?”

EJ (pulling his legs towards him): “Of course. I get to assault a police officer, and Lucas tries to run off to Mexico with his mother. I have to say, everything sounds fantastic to me. You’re concerned?”

Sami (agitated): “Of course I’m concerned. I mean, nowhere in there was anything about us as a couple…I mean, I really wanted us to spend Christmas together. You know, for real. Us and the twins.”

EJ (laidback): “Considering what happened between us this time last year, perhaps we’re better off this way, eh?”

Sami (squinting at him): “Very funny. But I’m serious, EJ. Lucas telling me the truth, me visiting him in jail…all that just screams angst between me and Lucas.”

EJ (nodding): “I’m sure there will be. But it has to be this way.”

Sami (insistent): “I don’t believe that. It’s as if I’ve been going in circles for months. We’ve been through so much, and we don’t even get Christmas together as a couple and family to make up for last year? Not even as a fantasy sequence?”

EJ (pleading): “No. I’m sorry, Samantha, but we’re going the long route.”

Sami (softly): “Even the long way doesn’t have to be this long or this harsh.”

EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Unfortunately, darling, it does. Now, I understand your feelings. I understand you’re frustrated. We all are, no one more than me. After all, we’re retreading ground that we already covered back in May, June, and July as I pull away from my father, you and Lucas collapse, and you and I work out our issues.”

Sami (annoyed): “That’s exactly my point. We’ve already done this once. Why are we repeating it? We’re wasting time, time we may not have to waste if the ratings don’t continue to improve. Give me one good reason why we need to go over it again.”

EJ (looking at her nonchalantly as he leans back): “The freezer incident.”

Sami (making a face): “You’re kidding.”

EJ (winking): “Never, my dear.”

Sami (questioningly): “But that was just the last gasp of the old producer. I’ve seen second grade musicals with better writing and directing. And the whole thing was swept under the rug with Lucas’ throw away comment. Why would that matter now?”

EJ (simply): “Because it reset me.”

Sami: “What do you mean?”

EJ (bluntly): “Hero EJ was completely undermined.”

Sami (flippantly): “Well, yeah, but why should that matter? Why does all that progress that you made over three months have to be ignored because of two bad days?”

EJ: “Because the new personality that I had been creating not only was completely trashed but replaced with someone who was even worse than Evil EJ. For heaven’s sake, Samantha, I had two full blown hallucinations within a couple hours. I was psychotic. Now, you can downplay that, ignore the consequences that should come from it, and act as if it never happened, but you can’t pretend that it doesn’t wipe the slate clean as far as my redemption goes. Not even on this soap.”

Sami (firmly): “But it’s not fair. That wasn’t your fault.”

EJ (grimacing): “Neither was last year in the car. Yet I still have to pay for it. So we’re starting over. Redoing everything through the steam room, the letters, the hospital interaction, the fighting…slowly getting back to where we were.”

Sami (sighing): “What a waste.”

EJ (nodding): “Yes. But that’s what happens when TPTB can’t make up their minds. And because it’s easier to destroy than to build, it takes longer.”

Sami (staring at him): “Why do we even bother?”

EJ (corner of his mouth turning up): “You have to ask?”

Sami: “Yes. How do I know they won’t do that to you again just as we’re finally getting somewhere?”

EJ (firmly): “They won’t.”

Sami (just as firmly): “You don’t know that.”

EJ (shaking his head): “On the contrary. I do.”

Sami (brushing him off): “Yeah, well, I see a man who’s been shot and paralyzed and still hasn’t learned anything. You’re still the third wheel. You’re the Sami to my and Lucas’ Carrie and Austin.”

EJ (tilting his head and hardening his eyes): “Really? Because I see an entire sorority rape storyline that was constructed in order to make me look better in comparison. I see Phillip and Belle put in a similar situation to us in order to highlight the nature of our deal. I see our son being played by real babies. And I see precious screentime in a 38 minute show being spent on me cleaning my apartment and sleeping on my couch. Overall, I see TPTB pulling out all the stops for me. It took them entirely too long, but they now see my worth as a romantic lead instead of evil incarnate. They’ve finally committed to my character.”

Sami (not buying it) “Maybe they are committed to you. And I know that they’re committed to me in how I have been centerstage since my first appearance. But are they committed to us?”

EJ (openly): “I believe so.”

Sami (shaking her head): “But you don’t know.”

EJ (moving closer to her): “No. The only things certain in life are death and taxes, sweetheart.”

Sami (edging near him): “That’s not very comforting, EJ.”

EJ (wrapping his arms around her): “The truth often isn’t. But I believe we are endgame, as they say, as misleading as that term is.”

Sami (leaning into him): “But…we might not be. I could still end up with Lucas. We might not be together.”

EJ (kissing her on the top of her head): “No matter what happens on the show itself, we’re always together, Samantha. Beyond storylines, beyond writing, beyond actors, beyond the confines of that reality, there exists a place where you and I and Gianni and Ali live happily ever after. That’s the real comfort about us as fictional characters. Since we don’t really exist, no one can ever actually tear us apart. As long as even one person imagines us as a couple, we will be.”

Sami (looking up at him): “I know. But I really want to see it on screen, you know?

EJ (adjusting to nuzzle Sami’s neck): “So do I.”

Sami (tilting her head): “You really think we’re headed in the right direction?”

EJ (whispering): “I do. It’s just going to take us a bit to get where we’re going.”

Sami moves to kiss EJ, slowly and passionately.

Sami (eyeing him): “If that’s the case, I can think of some ways we could pass the time.”

EJ (raises his eyebrow): “Indeed.”

They kiss again.

With Apologies to The Kinks

I met him in a strip club down on the pier
Where the sea water congeals there like a bunch of mucus
M-U-C-U-S mucus

I saw the lap dog sitting there on the couch
I asked him for his name and in a high pitched voice he said Lucas
L-U-C-A-S Lucas Lu-Lu-Lu-Lucas

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who can’t hold a job and paints his face green
Oh my Lucas Lu-Lu-Lu-Lucas

Well, I’m not dumb, but I can’t understand
Why he always eats chicken and has a badge that says he’s a man
Oh my Lucas Lu-Lu-Lu-Lucas

Well you tell me you love me and say you’re my best friend
But you then turn my son against me again
You can’t fight fair in a normal tiff
So you decided to lure me off that cliff
They say that you reap what you sow
But what did I ever do to deserve death row?
Oh my Lu-Lu-Lucas Lucas Lu-Lu-Lu-Lucas
Lucas Lu-Lu-Lucas Lucas Lu-Lu-Lu-Lucas

I really can’t stand you
I tried to push you away
But the writers insisted getting their way
If you’re my soulmate,
Then someone help me

You like to control me and berate me
And you always have to get your way Lucas

You treat me like I’m four years old
Because you’d prefer that I had no thoughts of my own Lucas

You say that you’re judgmental no more
But you’ve left me at the altar before
And you swear in front of Heaven above
But you never fail to take back your love

I think it’s past time that we said goodbye
I’m gonna move on with this EJ guy
So long my Lucas
Lu-Lu-Lucas Lucas Lu-Lu-Lu-Lucas

Lucas Lu-Lu-Lucas Lucas Lu-Lu-Lu-Lucas

How April 6th 2007 Should Have Happened

Lucas comes back to Lumi's apartment with all the crap he bought

Lucas (knocking on the door): "Sami? Sami, open up!"


Lucas (louder): "Sami, I know you're in there. Come on, this stuff is heavy."

*more silence*

Lucas (setting down the bags): "All right. Fine. Don't help."

*banging noises from across the hallway*

Lucas ignores the sound and gets out his keys.

*more banging noises from across the hallway*

Lucas (stopping and turning around): "Guess EJ decided to redecorate. He's a strong guy to move his furniture all by himself."

*even more banging noises from across the hallway*

Lucas (staring): "What is going on over there?"

Sami (through the walls) : "OH YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, BIG DADDY!"

*dead silence*

Lucas (volcanic): "I KNEW IT, SAMI! I JUST KNEW IT!"

Evil Crazy EJ and His Samantha

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha live in a cardboard box down by the pier

TEH EVILS LOL IM CRAZY LOLOL EJ (smiling): "Good morning, Samantha!"

Barbie Doll That Looks Like Sami: "....."

Evil Crazy EJ: "I trust you slept well. I'm sorry I had to leave the mansion for a bit, but you know how those dogs are-they keep attacking the outer wall. I really need to call Animal Control."

Samantha: "....."

Evil Crazy EJ (confused): "That's right, I still can't find my cell phone. Will you look for it for me, darling?"

Samantha: "....."

Evil Crazy EJ: "Thank you, Samantha. Now, I have to go out and get breakfast and the paper for us, and I don't know when I'll be back since Starbucks is hiring such ignorant rubes these days-I get the strangest looks in there. It's like they've never seen an Englishman before."

Samantha: "....."

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): "Yes, dear, I want to see what Garfield is up today too. Be back soon."

Samantha: "....."

Evil Crazy EJ kisses the doll.

Evil Crazy EJ: "I love you too."

Fun With Motivational Posters




















Not Quite What She Was Expecting

Ejami is sitting on the couch in EJ’s cluttered apartment, turned towards one another.

Sami (explaining): “And when I saw Lucas with his mother trying to flee the country, I thought I was going to be hurt or angry or depressed, but I wasn’t.”

EJ (listening): “You weren’t?”

Sami (pleasantly surprised): “No. I was…relieved, actually. As if God had finally lifted this enormous weight off of my shoulders. As if I didn’t have to pretend that-”

Loud noise from EJ’s bedroom.

Sami (curious): “What was that?”

EJ (downplaying): “What was what, darling?”

Sami (letting it go): “Nothing. As I was saying-”

Several crashes from the bedroom, if something were being thrown on the floor.

EJ (concerned): “Shall I see what that is?”

Sami (wondering): “Okay. I’ll be in the bathroom if you need me.”

After Sami is out of sight, EJ throws the door of his bedroom open in order to glare at his three doppelgangers.

Good EJ (annoyed): “What part of stay in here and don’t make any noise didn’t you understand?”

Good EJ looks around the room to see that it has been torn apart.

Good EJ (surprised): “And what exactly is going on here?”

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Have you seen Samantha?”

Good EJ (confused): “What?”

Evil Crazy EJ (anxious): “We were together, and then we came in here when you asked us to, but now I can’t find her.”

Good EJ (exasperated): “Well, if you had her earlier, then she has to be in here.”

Evil EJ (contrary): “Not necessarily. Given the way you shoved us all in here the instant she knocked on the door, he might not have had her when he came in. I would have asked for a few minutes.”

Good EJ (narrowing his eyes): “I’ll remember that next time. But for now, all of you have to stay in here, and be quiet.”

Gray EJ (shaking his head): “We can’t. He’s too upset. We have to look for her.”

Good EJ opens his mouth to protest and then closes it after looking at the sheer concern on Evil Crazy EJ’s face.

Good EJ (reluctantly agreeing): “Okay. I’m sure Samantha is here, Evil Crazy EJ. She wouldn’t just run off somewhere. We’ll help you find her.”

Good EJ lets out Evil EJ, Gray EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ out of his bedroom.

Good EJ (gesturing with his head towards the bathroom): “We have to do this quickly. I don’t know how long she’ll be in there.”

Good EJ (pointing at Gray EJ and Evil Crazy EJ): “You two take Evil Crazy EJ’s bedroom, and I’ll recheck in here. I can’t see how we would have failed to notice her out in the living room, but Evil EJ can look again.”

Evil EJ (matter of fact): “Anyone who thinks I’m going to crawl on my hands and knees looking for a misnamed Barbie doll is crazier than a certain occupant of this household.”

Good EJ (insistent): “You have to help.”

Gray EJ (pleading): “Please, he’s really agitated.”

Evil EJ (giving in): “All right. I’ll look out in the hallway. Perhaps he dropped her out there earlier.”

As Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Good EJ disperse, Evil EJ leaves the apartment. Once out in the hallway, Evil EJ shakes his head and grins.

Evil EJ (talking to himself): “It really is too easy sometimes.”

Evil EJ immediately reenters the apartment and leans outside of the bathroom door as he knocks on it, speaking the instant Sami exits.

Evil EJ (sinisterly): “Quand le chat n'est pas là les souris dansent, mon chéri?”

Upon seeing Evil EJ, the color drains out of Sami’s face.

Evil EJ (winking): “Cat got your tongue? I suppose I should give it back to you so you can answer me. Let’s try another one. Did you miss me, sweetheart?”

Sami (finding her voice): “Hardly. You make my skin crawl.”

Evil EJ (pleased): “In the best way possible, I imagine.”

Evil EJ claps his left hand around hers as he plays with Sami’s hair with his right.

Evil EJ (disappointed): “You’ve been a very naughty little girl. Hanging out with the local riff raff, accepting a pale imitation when you could have the real thing.”

Sami (swallowing hard): “What’s going on? You died at the Black Wedding.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “You really think you can get rid of me that easily?”

Evil EJ pulls Sami next to him, entwining his body with hers as he moves his face down to rest against hers.

Evil EJ (whispering in her ear): “It’s almost the new year, sweetheart. We should do something romantic to celebrate our love. So what do you say, shall we sew our skin together? Carve our names into each other’s arms?”

Sami (appalled): “You’re a sociopath.”

Evil EJ (contemplating as he turns to face her): “That seems to be a very popular term these days, yet no one seems to fully grasp the implications of using it. I cannot be boxed in, and neither can you. We are eternal. What we have defies labels.”

Sami (denying): “We had nothing.”

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “We have everything. And I refuse to give that up.”

Evil EJ forcefully kisses Sami slowly and passionately. After several moments when he comes up for air, Good EJ walks back in.

Good EJ (shocked): “What in Heaven’s name are you doing?”

Gray EJ and Evil Crazy EJ enter the room with Evil Crazy EJ barely holding himself together.

Gray EJ (frustrated): “Well, we’ve looked everywhere I can think of to look. Wherever Samantha is, she’s not in this apartment.”

Evil Crazy EJ (in tears): “It’s my fault! Something bad happened to her, and it’s all my fault for not protecting her! I’m an awful husband!”

Evil EJ (taking advantage of the distraction): “Oh, I’m sorry. I got confused. When you said you were looking for Samantha you meant this Samantha.”

Evil EJ steps back from Sami and removes Samantha from inside the inner lining of his black suit jacket.

Evil Crazy EJ (lighting up): “Samantha! You’re all right!”

Evil EJ (handing her back to him): “I forgot to mention that we had dinner together. You know how I like to spend time with her. Such an amazing conversationalist.”

Evil Crazy EJ (hugging her happily): “Oh, Samantha, I was so worried! We looked everywhere for you! Why didn’t you tell me you were visiting Evil EJ? I don’t mind. I’m glad you two are such close friends.”

Sami (completely lost): “Uh, I thought I was Samantha?”

Evil Crazy EJ (laughing): “Very funny, my dear, but I believe I know my own wife.”

Samantha: “…..”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding his head): “Yes, we certainly do have some strange neighbors. Now, I’d love to hear all about it…”

Evil Crazy EJ listens to Samantha as he goes into his room. Sami looks at Good EJ, Gray EJ, and Evil EJ for a moment before bolting out of the apartment. Good EJ runs after her.

Good EJ (hurt): “Samantha, where are you going?”

Sami (overwhelmed as she stops): “I just…I just can’t deal with this right now. I mean, there’s us, and now there’s them, and it’s just too much.”

Good EJ (pleading with her as he moves closer): “Wait, I can explain. It’s not my fault I’m like this, you know? It’s the TPTB, the writers…they were the ones who fractured my personality. They tried to ruin me.”

Sami (needing space): “I know, I know, I just…I need some time to think. Okay?”

Good EJ (not happy about it): “Okay. Take all the time you need.”

Sami (grateful): “Thank you.”

Sami and Good EJ’s eyes lock for a moment, and they kiss unexpectedly. Both of them feel the hesitation as they pull away from each other.

Good EJ (quietly): “Will I see you tomorrow?”

Sami (apprehensively): “Maybe. Good night, EJ.”

Good EJ (softly): “Good night, sweetheart.”

After watching Sami enter her apartment, Good EJ dejectedly returns to his.

Gray EJ (trying to cheer Good EJ up as he enters): “I’m sorry, but it’s not like she wasn’t going to find out about this eventually. Might as well be tonight.”

Good EJ (confronting Evil EJ): “You planned this entire thing. You took Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll just so you could have some time alone with our Samantha. So she’d see you again and find out about all of us. And you turned this entire place into an utter mess in the process. Was it worth it?”

Evil EJ (sinking into the couch with a blissful smile on his face): “To bat my little mouse? Absolutely.”

Good EJ (shrugging): “Making Evil Crazy EJ cry because he thought his wife was in danger is perfectly acceptable as long as you get what you want, isn’t it?”

Evil EJ (reflective): “Considering I had originally planned to put her in the garbage disposal, I believe I am the epitome of restraint.”

Good EJ (definitively): “You really are a sociopath.”

Evil EJ (indignant): “Oh, come on. It’s not like he would care. He’d love her just the same. And you just have to sell it to him. I had to use one of those flunkies Barbie hangs out with to make herself look better, Midge, I believe, for two days when one of the attack dogs at the mansion ran off with her. I just told him Samantha was trying out being a redhead until I managed to get her back. He wasn’t happy about her changing her hair color without telling him first, but he believed it was her the entire time.”

Gray EJ (in spite of himself): “He actually bought that?”

Evil EJ (enjoying the telling): “Completely. He kept giving her these dirty looks that said ‘how dare she dye her hair red-she looks awful, but I can’t tell her that because I’d hurt her feelings.’ I had to tell him I was having sudden panic attacks I was laughing so hard.”

Gray EJ (laughing himself): “I wish I had been here to see that.”

Good EJ (sickened at both of them): “What is wrong with you two?”

Gray EJ (elbowing Good EJ): “Oh come, on. Even you have to admit that’s funny.”

Evil EJ (to Gray EJ): “This is beyond him. Don’t waste your time trying to explain it.”

Good EJ (snide): “I understand it fine. You’re making fun of a mentally ill man.”

Evil EJ (reminding): “Who nearly gave Gray EJ here a skull fracture, may I remind you. And you think he doesn’t disparage either of you to his beloved Samantha? He likes me. You two, not so much.”

Good EJ (uptight): “You are a bad influence on him.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I certainly hope so. Anyway, buck up. You should relax and have some of the Christmas present I gave you.”

Good EJ (trying to be nice): “I appreciate the thought, Evil EJ, but I do not need Extra Strength Midol.”

Evil EJ (not letting it go): “Are you certain? I’m a sensible gift giver, after all. Evil Crazy EJ wanted a Disney Princess Deluxe Castle for Samantha, so I bought him one. And with you, well, it’s clearly that time of the month. I’m just trying to help.”

Good EJ (openly): “Why do you think that showing any kind of empathy makes you any less of a man?”

Evil EJ (seizing the opening): “It doesn’t. It makes you a woman.”

Evil EJ (looking around as he gets up): “And speaking of women, this place certainly is quite the mess. You better get going if you want to have it cleaned up tonight. I’ll be reading the Journal in my room if Samantha comes by.”

Evil EJ (clasping Good EJ’s shoulder and winking): “Be a dear and make sure the kitchenette floor sparkles this time, eh?”

Suddenly Good EJ grabs Evil EJ and pins him against the apartment’s forward wall.

Good EJ (forcefully) “Clean it yourself.”

Evil EJ (warning): “Take your hands off me.”

Gray EJ (eyes widening): “Calm down. There’s no need to-”

Good EJ (had enough): “You stay out of this.”

Evil EJ struggles against Good EJ and discovers that he’s unable to break Good EJ’s hold.

Evil EJ (putting it together): “You’re drawing additional strength from Samantha’s pure love for you? Oh, that’s just wrong.”

Good EJ (tightening his grip): “I have had enough of your insolence. I am in charge now. And I should kill you for frightening Samantha like that.”

Evil EJ (refusing to give as he glares): “So you can have picnics and cuddle time together, you worthless maggot?”

Gray EJ (softly): “Good EJ.”

Good EJ tilts his head slightly towards Gray EJ.

Gray EJ (quietly): “Look at what you’re doing, Good EJ. Would a good man choke his roommate, particularly when he’s a part of his personality that must exist in order to be a complete man?”

Good EJ swallows and steps back as he lets go of Evil EJ.

Good EJ (deeply ashamed): “I…I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

Good EJ looks around the apartment guiltily.

Good EJ (running his hand through his hair): “It’s been more difficult than I’ve expected to adjust to having to others around, but that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have reacted like that. It won’t happen again. I’ll clean up.”

Evil EJ (gratefully to Gray EJ as he rubs his neck): “I knew there was a reason I kept you alive.”

Gray EJ (accepting the complement): “And here I thought it was my blueberry scones recipe.”

Evil EJ (beyond furious to Good EJ): “You touch me again, and you will end up in so many pieces that when they try to sew you back together-”

Evil EJ stops mid-threat as Evil Crazy EJ enters the room dressed in his race car pajamas. Samantha is dressed in Christmas themed red lingerie and a robe.

Evil Crazy EJ (expectant): “Samantha and I are ready for our bedtime story.”

Evil EJ (nicely): “Splendid. I’ll be there in a moment.”

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Excellent. And Samantha wanted to tell you how much she likes her new walk-in closet, didn’t you, darling?”

Samantha: “…..”

As Evil Crazy EJ leaves the room, Good EJ turns to Evil EJ contritely.

Good EJ (humbly as he puts out his hand): “I apologize for not respecting you and valuing your contribution to us. Friends?”

Evil EJ looks at Good EJ’s hand before he suddenly punches the wall two inches from Good EJ’s head.

Evil EJ (seething as he points): “Never. You think this is over? You think you’ve won? Just because this joke of a television program believes that evil people can’t be loved doesn’t mean I’m giving up. Changed man? Hah! I will find a way around all of this. I’m just getting started.”

Good EJ and Gray EJ watch as Evil EJ straightens his black tie and leaves the room.

Evil EJ (from inside Evil Crazy EJ’s room): “I apologize for the delay. I suppose you two want to hear The Many Deaths of Lucas again, eh?”

Gray EJ glares at Good EJ.

Gray EJ (annoyed): “Did you have to do that? Us being you isn’t set in stone, you know. You’d think you’d be more consolatory given that with a few strokes of a pen, he’s back in the driver’s seat. After all, that’s what happened to you the first time around when they replaced you with him.”

Good EJ (defensive): “I was a special case. I was a new character on a soap that values history above all else. It’s different this time. TPTB have committed to me. And besides, at this point I’d see any change of direction coming.”

Gray EJ (dryly): “The way Hero EJ and Evil EJ saw the freezer incident coming?”

Good EJ (conceding as he tilts his head): “Touché.”

Gray EJ (explaining): “It’s why Evil EJ fights so hard whenever he’s not in charge, you know? He was completely blindsided by the appearance of Evil Crazy EJ, as much as he loves him. He never even considered that we could hallucinate, much less have it in us to have such an altered grip on reality that we’d see a blond Barbie doll as a real, living woman.”

Good EJ (pushing back): “He’s one hundred percent selfish. The only reason he wants to run the show is so he can put Samantha in a cage.”

Gray EJ (continuing): “He’s also afraid. For all of us. Because if that’s the case, if we’re really that malleable, then what else are the writers capable of? Weak EJ? Depressingly Boring EJ? Stereotypical Hick Farmer EJ? It’s why he needs to be in control so badly. He wants to prevent us from losing what makes us so compelling…along with possibly putting Samantha in a cage.”

Good EJ (frustrated and gesturing with his right hand): “But what I am supposed to do then? I shouldn’t be happy about being brought back after more than a year? I shouldn’t revel in being the Elvis DiMera that the audience sees every episode? I shouldn’t enjoy making us the man Samantha danced with on the pier?”

Gray EJ (closing his eyes briefly and holding his hand up to the bridge of his nose): “Enough with the bloody tango references already! We get it. You’d think you did nothing else during that summer the way that’s brought up. If TPTB would just be willing to break the fourth wall a bit and use the names we do, it’d make things a lot easier.”

Good EJ (mildly insulted): “No chance of that ever happening, Mr. ‘I spied on my wife and intercepted a package that didn’t belong to me.’” And that’s besides the point.”

Good EJ (too loudly as he gestures): “I am just returning things to their rightful order. The way everything was supposed to be in the first place. I was Samantha’s dashing new love interest before they switched head writers.”

Evil EJ (interjecting from the other room): “We were always evil.”

Good EJ (irritated at the interruption): “No, we weren’t! You expect me to believe that they wasted more than three months with us caring for Samantha and having adventures with her just to build up a villain?”

Evil EJ (condescendingly retorting back): “Whatever helps you sleep at night, sunshine.”

Evil EJ is brought back to what he is doing as Evil Crazy EJ yawns abruptly.

Evil Crazy EJ (pleading): “Samantha is tired and would like to hear the end of the story before she falls asleep.”

Evil EJ (apologetic): “Forgive me. Now where were we? Oh, yes, ‘Please, please don’t, Lucas shrieked as the red hot vice clamped down on his leg…’”

Meanwhile, Gray EJ watches as Good EJ picks a pillow off of the floor and puts it back on the couch.

Good EJ (fuming): “The nerve. That’s a lie. This was never supposed to happen to us.”

Gray EJ doesn’t say anything as he turns his head away from Good EJ.

Good EJ (surprised and hurt): “Don’t tell me you agree with him?”

Gray EJ (evasive as he snaps his head back): “Evil EJ says that because it makes him seem important, as if he was supposed to be number one all along.”

Good EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “You didn’t answer my question. Is my reclaiming the throne a restoration of our natural order or a subversion of the original intent of my character?

Good EJ waits as Gray EJ frowns for several moments before answering.

Gray EJ (measured as he shrugs): “Honestly, I don’t know what to think. All I can say for certain is that the original head writer, the interim head writer, the new head writer, and now the new producer all had different visions of who our character was supposed to be, and none of them have matched. I’m sure that back when we were created, there was a preplanned arc for us, but whether that plan was for us to be Prince Charming, Prince of Darkness, or something in between, I couldn’t hazard to guess, and there’s no way to know with all the backstage upheaval. So I can’t answer your question. All I can say is that for now, they are fully intent on redeeming us and giving you the keys to the kingdom.”

Good EJ (unsatisfied): “For now? So I should be looking over my shoulder all the time, constantly wondering if the writers are going to throw me under the bus again?”

Gray EJ (shaking his head): “No, of course not. As much as I hate to say this, you deserve this after what happened to you. And we need to be you to have Samantha and to garner as large a fan base as possible. Just don’t get overconfident. This is a soap. The only thing we can count on is that we can’t count on anything.”

Good EJ (nodding): “Well, that’s certainly true.”

Good EJ (sighing as he looks around the disheveled apartment): “Anyway, I guess it’s just the two of us.”

Hero EJ (entering through the front door): “Not quite.”

Gray EJ (casually): “Nice to see you.”

Good EJ (smiling): “Impeccable timing yet again. Thank you, Hero EJ.”

Hero EJ (waving his hand): “No need. After all, it’s going to take a gallant effort to clean this mess up.”

Good EJ (grateful): ‘You’re welcome just the same.”

Hero EJ (quizzically eyeing the strange fist-sized hole in the wall): “Thank goodness we have renter’s insurance.”

Because FAO Schwartz Is Overpriced

Evil Crazy EJ, Samantha, and Gray EJ are in the toy section looking through the Barbie doll clothing.

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Samantha doesn’t like that one. She says it’s too 80s.”

Gray EJ (in over his head): “How could something made in 2007 be too 80s?”

Evil Crazy EJ (just as confused): “I don’t know, but she doesn’t want it.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (a tad annoyed): “That’s not fair, Samantha. You can’t blame us for not being interested in the intricacies of the world of fashion.”

Gray EJ (losing his patience): “We’ve been looking for over 45 minutes. Can’t she just pick one?”

Evil Crazy EJ (out of his hands): “Samantha says that if you didn’t want to take her shopping, you should not have made fun of her husband by calling him a delusional idiot.”

Gray EJ (apologetic): “I said I was sorry, and I am. But there’s only so many possible choices here. She has to like one of these for her Boxing Day dress.”

Evil Crazy EJ (empathizing): “Look, I understand Samantha here can be a bit difficult. But she’ll know it when she sees it, all right? Just keep looking.”

Gray EJ (resigned to his fate): “Fine.”

Gray EJ (under his breath): “Spending the bloody weekend before Christmas shopping for a new outfit…what a waste…”

Evil Crazy EJ (still nice): “Samantha also says that she can still hear you.”

Meanwhile, Good EJ and Evil EJ are talking over coffee in the food court.

Good EJ (happy as he looks around at all the decorations): “I’m glad we decided to come here instead. I love this time of year. Celebrating Jesus’ birthday, embracing the fact that we are God’s children, extending goodwill to all men…”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “It really is the most wonderful time of the year, isn’t it?”

Good EJ (completely surprised): “You like Christmas?!”

Evil EJ (indignant): “Of course I like Christmas. The Christmas decorations that start appearing before Halloween, the crass commercialism of Black Friday and Green Monday, those stories in the paper shrieking that our economy will collapse if everyone doesn’t spend all their money on useless junk, the awful fighting between in-laws…how I could I not like it?”

Good EJ (letting it be): “Well, our reasoning may differ, but the end result is the same. Yes, Christmas is the best holiday. So what I was saying before I got distracted?”

Evil EJ (sipping his coffee as he insults): “Yes, those shiny decorations are so hard to ignore.”

Evil EJ (correcting): “You were stupidly trying to comfort me about losing my number one slot. It is in your nature, I suppose, and seeing as this is the season of giving, I will allow you to do so without violent recrimination.”

Good EJ (nodding): “Ah, yes. Thank you. As I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that bad. You can come out all the time when we fight Stefano.”

Evil EJ (mocking): “Oooh, son versus father in the ultimate grudge match. That’s never been done before.”

Good EJ (stating the obvious): “I know it’s not what you want, but it’s better than nothing.”

Evil EJ (admitting): “True. But it’s just not the same, you know? Never again will I get to be the full time public face of Elvis Junior DiMera.”

Good EJ (encouraging): “But you can get a lot of mileage out of even brief appearances. Hero EJ certainly does.”

Evil EJ (eyeing him): “You would bring up that selfish jerk, wouldn’t you?”

Good EJ (hurt): “He seems nice to me. Where is he, anyway?”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Oh, he comes and goes as he pleases. Thinks it makes him all unpredictable and mysterious when it just demonstrates what a coward he really is.”

Hero EJ (suddenly sitting down at the table): “That’s rich coming from a man who spends his life in the shadows, watching and waiting for any signs of weakness before he strikes.”

Evil EJ (snotty): “Ah, there you are, Hero EJ. Always with the infuriatingly perfect timing. But this is a private party, and I don’t remember inviting you to our little celebration.”

Hero EJ (answering back): “Yet I have to meet the new guy sometime, don’t I? Even if he’s not exactly entirely new.”

Hero EJ (offering his hand): “I’m Hero EJ. If you need Samantha saved, I’m the man for the job, so I imagine you and I will be working as closely together as he and I did.”

Good EJ (shaking his hand in surprise): “You two worked together?”

Evil EJ (annoyed): “How slow are you? Do you even watch the show? How else would we manage to save Samantha from more than seven different death traps? Magic?”

Hero EJ (nodding): “It was an uneasy partnership to say the least, but our unconditional love of Samantha is something all of us EJs can agree on.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Our beloved Samantha unites us and bonds us in a way that can never be broken.”

Gray EJ (snapping from across the store): “SHE CAN’T SAY SHE DOESN’T LIKE IT! SHE’S JUST A PLASTIC DOLL, DAMN IT! SHE’S NOT REAL!!!”

Alarmed, Hero EJ and Evil EJ exchange glances and rise together as Good EJ looks on in confusion.

Hero EJ (blaming Evil EJ): “This is all your fault. You should have been there supervising. Gray EJ’s never done this before.”

Evil EJ (tersely): “I thought he was ready for it. Apparently I was grossly mistaken.”

Good EJ (not understanding): “There’s nothing to be concerned about. She’s real to him. He’s not going to believe otherwise, no matter what anyone says.”

Hero EJ and Evil EJ look at Good EJ incredulously before they run off to intervene.

Evil EJ (yelling back): “It’s not him we’re worried about, you ignorant cretin!”

Good EJ (not understanding): “What? The only way that would make sense would be-”

Evil Crazy EJ (darkly and loud enough that the entire store hears him): “You insult my wife like that again, and I will make a jump rope out of your intestines. Now, what was that you were saying about her?”

Gray EJ’s horrified screams suddenly echo out throughout the building.

Good EJ (realization dawning as he gets up in order to join them): “Ah. Now I understand. Evil Crazy EJ.”
Back in the toy section, Gray EJ learns his lesson at the hands of Evil Crazy EJ..


Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “There, that wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

Samantha: “…..”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, he should complement you more often, darling.”

Hero EJ and Evil EJ come upon Evil Crazy EJ stroking Samantha’s hair while Gray EJ lies on the floor in a pool of blood.

Evil EJ (too worried): “We heard the screaming. Are you all right?”

Gray EJ (shaken): “I’ll be fine. It looks a lot worse than it is. You know how even minor head wounds bleed a lot.”

Hero EJ (evaluating): “He’s right. I can fix that up easily.”

Gray EJ (pale): “I tried…I tried…I just couldn’t stand…Oh, I’m so sorry.”

Hero EJ (forgiving): “We know. Don’t worry about it.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “I’m sorry I put you in this position. I’ll come along next time.”

Hero EJ (pulling Gray EJ to his feet and supporting his weight): “Let’s go get you cleaned up, eh?”

Hero EJ helps Gray EJ to the bathroom as Evil EJ takes Evil Crazy EJ’s arm as Good EJ comes upon the scene.

Evil EJ (patiently) “Evil Crazy EJ, what did I tell you about hurting the others?”

Evil Crazy EJ (blamelessly): “It’s all his fault! He made fun of Samantha! I had to defend her honor. She’s my wife.”

Evil EJ (prodding) “Yes, I know that, but what did I actually say?”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking down): “That…that even though they are all spineless wimps, we can’t skin them alive in their sleep because we need them as tools in order to keep us on the show.”

Evil EJ (satisfied): “That’s right. So when Hero EJ and Gray EJ come back, I want you to apologize to him, okay?”

Evil Crazy EJ (begrudging): “Okay. I do admit that Samantha could have been nicer to him. She’s been curt today. Too little sleep, I think.”

Evil EJ (pleased): “Good boy.”

Good EJ watches agape as Evil EJ hugs Evil Crazy EJ.

Evil EJ (encouraging as he pulls away): “Now, given the prior incident, Samantha is going to have plenty of time to decide on what dress she wants. Why don’t you two start looking again?

Evil Crazy EJ (looking down at his Samantha doll): “Excellent idea. I think she’s got it narrowed down to five. Let’s look at that red one again, shall we, sweetheart?”

Samantha: “…..”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha examine the Barbie clothing while Evil EJ turns to Good EJ.

Good EJ (astonished): “I don’t understand. You’re suffering incarnate, yet you treat him like your little brother?”

Evil EJ (explaining as he folds his arms across his chest): “For all intents and purposes, he is my younger brother. He’s me with the rationality replaced with insanity. I cannot help but feel kinship with him. Besides, none of this is his fault. He’s psychotic. He really thinks that doll is Samantha.”

Good EJ (shaking his head): “Evil EJ showing compassion. Now I’ve seen everything.”

Evil EJ (getting annoyed): “You’ll be on the receiving end of something else if you don’t shut up about it.”

Good EJ (catching on): “Oh, I don’t think so. Sure, you wish you could be in charge of us, but you’re glad you’re no longer alone, aren’t you?”

Evil EJ (vehemently denying): “Hardly. What I’m really glad about is that after hearing so much about you, I’ll finally have the opportunity to put your head on a pike.”

Good EJ (cheerily unconcerned): “Merry Christmas to you, too.”

Those Rumors About EJ’s Actions

After praying at church, Gray EJ returns to his apartment, only to be confronted immediately upon entering.

Evil EJ (incredulously): “Your soul?!!”

Gray EJ (irritated as he comes through): “I just knew this was coming. A man can’t even come back to his own apartment in peace. No, of course not. The instant I get home I get accosted by-”

Evil EJ (interrupting): “Let me get this straight. You went to St. Luke’s, got down on your knees, cried, and asked God for your soul back?!!”

Gray EJ (sighing): “I can explain-”

Evil EJ (gesturing wildly): “Oh, there’s nothing to explain. Kind of speaks for itself, really. Tell me, did you stop by Toys ‘R Us on the way back and pick up some My Little Ponies to go with it?”

Gray EJ (annoyed): “Spare me. I’m not happy about it either.”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Funny, you certainly seem that way to me. Or perhaps it’s the glitter already getting to your brain.”

Gray EJ (trying to explain anyway): “Look, after everything that’s happened to us, I had to do it. I had to show the audience that we’re genuinely serious about becoming a better man.”

Evil EJ (crossing his arms): “Who said we wanted to be, you sanctimonious git? And better man? More like emasculation, I’d say. At this point, I’m just glad I stopped being frontman after we were shot at the wedding. Not only did I go out on a high note, I have an unblemished record of evilness as I ran Salem with an iron fist.”

Gray EJ (pointedly): “And you really think they would have continued to let you do that? That you wouldn’t have been shot anyway and slowly rehabilitated before reclaiming your nefarious ways? That some of that wouldn’t have happened off screen?”

Evil EJ (firm): “It wouldn’t have worked out that way. I would have been fine.”

Gray EJ: “Oh, really? Because you didn’t seem fine. In fact, I’d wager that Hero EJ wore you down. You barely came out ahead in those battles you had with him.”

Evil EJ (insistent): “I had everything under control. Everything was going to be perfect! I was going to be the new Stefano!”

Gray EJ (yelling): “And how was that working out for you?! Stefano never got Marlena!”

Evil EJ (dead certain): “I’m better than Father! Samantha would have been mine!!”

Gray EJ (screaming as he suddenly grabs Evil EJ): “No, she wouldn’t have! You know damn well how this show works, yet you won’t let it go! You keep coming back to it as if it were even an option! ‘I would have made it work-I would have had her!’ NO, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE! TPTB WON’T LET YOU! Why won’t you get it through your head? Are you insane?! Is that who you want us to be? A complete bloody idiot lost in his delusions?!!”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ both uneasily glance over at Evil Crazy EJ playing with his Samantha doll in his Little Tikes Playhouse in the corner of the apartment.

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “This is very good tea, Samantha. You outdid yourself today.”

Samantha: “……”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “You’re welcome.”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ turn back towards one another.

Evil EJ (icily): “You leave him out of this.”

Gray EJ (letting go of Evil EJ and backing away as he casts his eyes downward): “You’re right. I went too far. I’m sorry.”

Evil EJ (straightening his black suit): “You damn well better be. If he heard you, you are the one who gets to take him and Samantha to FAO Schwartz next time. Two hours spent combing through the entire Barbie section to find her the right Christmas dress…I thought my eyes were going to fall out.”

Gray EJ (taking a deep breath): “All right. I see your point, although I strongly disagree. And this is a useless argument besides. Either way, it doesn’t matter. This is the way it has to be.”

Evil EJ (quietly bitter): “No, it doesn’t. One can be evil and be loved.”

Gray EJ (halfheartedly smiling): “True. But not on this show.”

Evil EJ (off handed): “If I knew where Days kept its altar of morality, I’d incinerate it.”

Evil EJ (suddenly concerned): “But we have more important things to worry about now, because in any case, we’re not going to stay gray for long. Not after a confession like that.”

Gray EJ (resigned): “I know. I got to be in charge for two weeks, and I’m already being pushed aside.”

Evil EJ (simply as he pats Gray EJ on the back): “I’m sorry. You gave it the old college try, though.”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ hear a knock at the door. Neither of them move. As the knocking continues, Evil EJ stares at Gray EJ.

Gray EJ (hesitantly): “Who is it?”

Good EJ (behind the door): “It’s Good EJ. I used to live here…two summers ago, I believe. Anyway, I know this is rather presumptuous of me, but I was wondering if I could move back in.”

Gray EJ (tiredly as he moves opens the door): “Of course. Why not. The more the merrier.”

Good EJ (cheery as he brings in his luggage): “Hello. It’s so great to be back, and now I have roommates. I couldn’t be more excited! I’m looking forward to running the show and getting to know all of you!”

Gray EJ (dryly): “We’re just as charmed about the idea as you are.”

Evil EJ (folding arms across his chest and glaring at Good EJ): “Peasant.”

Good EJ (ignoring the insult): “Right. Well, I hope no one minds that I brought Christmas cookies as my housewarming gift, although technically it’s apartmentwarming, I suppose.”

Gray EJ (unsure what to say): “I don’t see why anyone would mind, exactly. Here, why don’t you share them with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha? I’m sure he’d appreciate having sweets at their tea party.”

Good EJ (nicely): “Smashing idea. I’ll do that. We’ll sit down, talk, and get to know each other later then.”

Good EJ moves over to Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha while Evil EJ looks at Gray EJ and shakes his head dismissively.

Gray EJ (looking back at Evil EJ wistfully): “Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad being alone after all, eh?”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes as he walks away): “I’ll be in my room beating my head against the wall. Call me if they let us hurt anyone.”

I Will Miss You Forever

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen. We are gathered here today to remember our dear friend, TEH EVILS EJ, who passed away November 9th, 2007. He died doing what he loved, namely being with his Samantha. TEH EVILS EJ lived a short life, only a year, but in that time, he had a full and content life, complete with innumerous evil deeds and villainy the likes of which Salem will never see again. His glorious evil shown as a black sun down upon those who knew and loved him for the sexy source of suffering that he was.

*steadies herself*

TEH EVILS EJ did not die in vain. He died so that Ejami could live. He sacrificed himself upon Days’ altar of morality so that Sami could deem EJ worthy of her love. So today is not a day of mourning but a celebration. We must remember all the happy times. All the threats, all the smirking, all the wearing of all black, and all the nefarious deeds, from stealing Sami’s trash to locking Lucas in a freezer to stalking Belle to stealing John’s kidney. Most of all, we must remember all the insults that amused us so.

*holds back tears*

Life is a harsh taskmaster. We must be strong, as he was. Let us remember TEH EVILS EJ as he would have wanted us to, as the purely awesome badass dressed in black that ruled Salem with an iron fist and only wanted his Samantha to join him at his side.

TEH EVILS EJ, I salute you.

*bawls as music begins to play*

I have fallen from grace, and my ashes are scattered
No longer of passion and flesh
My flame is alive, though my wings have been shattered
They lay my body to rest

My spirit is breathing, my senses are pure
Like reincarnation, my soul will endure

Back on earth...
The spirit, it never lets go

Like fountains of sorrow, the faces are crying
I'm witnessing all of their pain
Death is so final, for only the living
The spirit will always remain

Bury me deep, just to cover my sins
My soul is redeemed, as the journey begins

Back on earth (you feel me)
Back on earth (reveal me)
Back on earth, the spirit it never lets go

Another dimension, a river of life
I'm twisting, I'm turning, my soul is in flight

Back on earth (you feel me)
Back on earth (reveal me)
Back on earth (still breathing)
Back on earth (reliving)

Lucas’ Job Search Continues

The back office of the Salem KFC

Manager (behind her desk): “That’s all I have for this part of the interview. Do you have any questions for me?”

Lucas (sitting in front of her): “Nope. I just wanted to say that I know you guys turned me down before, so I really appreciate you giving me a real chance this time.”

Manager (musing): “Well, we always have new opportunities coming up.”

Lucas (excitedly): “The fifth time’s the charm, right? I really tried to impress you guys this time. I didn’t go overboard on the paperwork, did I?”

Manager (uneasily): “Oh, no, I thought the crayon was a nice touch.”

Lucas: “Yeah, I put a lot of thought into it.” *standing up and shaking hands with the Manager* “Thanks for the opportunity.”

Manager: “Thank you. We’ll let you know by the end of the week. And in any case, I’ll see you shortly after opening, as usual.”

Lucas (looking back as he leaves): “You betcha!” *making a loopy hand motion* “Gotta have my extra crispy!”

The Manager sits down and watches Lucas leave before calling the first reference on Lucas’ application.

Voice (picking up his cell phone): “EJ Wells.”

Manager: “Hello, this is Andrea Bauer from the Salem KFC. I’m the store manager here, and I was wondering if you might have a few minutes so I could talk to you about one of your former employees, a Mr. Lucas Horton?

EJ (surprised): “You’re kidding.”

Manager (nicely): “No, he’s interviewing for a position with us, and I’m interested to hear what you have to say about him.”

EJ (intrigued): “If you don’t mind me asking, miss, what kind of position is he up for?”

Manager (nicely): “Assistant Night Manager.”

EJ: “Isn’t there a box on that sort of application that asks ‘Please do not contact this employer?’”

Manager (looking closely): “There is, but it doesn’t appear to have been checked.”

EJ (snickering): “Lucas, you idiot.” (louder) “Just making certain. I’d love to talk to you about Mr. Horton’s prior employment.”

Manager: “Excellent. What was Mr. Horton’s position at Mythic Communications?”

EJ: “His formal title was Assistant Project Manager.”

Manager: “And what exactly did his duties entail?

EJ: “Well, the project manager portion was more of an honorary title. What Mr. Horton actually did was administrative office work, mostly answering phones, scheduling meetings, and putting together PowerPoint presentations.”

Manager: “And how did Mr. Horton perform those duties?”

EJ: “Quite poorly, particularly how he kept printing out generic Excel templates from and trying to pass them off as our EBIT.”

Manager: “Strengths?”

EJ (firmly): “None.”

Manager: “Weaknesses?”

EJ: “Pretty much anything you can think of, really. Getting his tie caught in the fax machine, calling sex lines on his speakerphone, being unable to distinguish the difference between carbon copy and blind carbon copy emails, shopping online for face paint on company time, sending packages to his mother’s house instead of the office…shall I go on?”

Manager (taking notes): “Please do.”

EJ: “He also became fearful of our supply closet when someone started a rumor of a bat living inside of it. He locked himself inside of his office and refused to come out until I called Animal Control and had them assure him that it was just a shadow made by some of the boxes.”

Manager: “Is there anything else I should know about Mr. Horton?”

EJ (offhandly): “There is more one thing. I’m sure that you’ve seen in the media that Mythic has been investigated by the SEC, but what you probably don’t know is that Mr. Horton is the one who made the report. I know that KFC has had issues in the past with certain disgruntled groups such as animal rights activists impugning on your business, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want another situation like that to play out again in public.”

Manager (strongly concerned): “Hmm. Well, I believe that’s all I have. I’m glad I spoke to you, Mr. Wells. It’s been interesting. Thank you for your time.”

EJ (smiling broadly): “You’re welcome. It’s been my pleasure.”

Local Salem Commercial Break

Lack of transportation getting you down? People that need slaughtering not getting whacked because you’re not there in time because you have to take the bus? Well, come on down to Evil EJ’s Used Vehicle Emporium for all your homicide enabling needs.

This green ride is already one of my hottest sellers due to the window-enabled cooling system, and the bullet holes add some nice detailing.

I know what you’re thinking-why would I ever need a refrigerator truck? Why, how else are you going to freeze someone to death, of course! Only one previous owner so I can vouch for the low mileage even though I was insane at the time. Now there is some brick damage to the back door, so I’ve included a free life-size Kate doll.

Into SUVs? I have you covered. This model offers standard air bags, six cup holders, and that extra front seat visibility when you need to stalk someone.

The jewel of my collection is this fine beauty. This lovely automobile successfully survived a fatal hit and run. So don’t hesitate to make an offer. After all, how often can you say that your car already killed someone? Let the vehicle’s murderous experience bolster your confidence. Blood removal not included.

I guarantee that all my pre-owned vehicles are defect free and inspector certified. And creative financing is my specialty. Bad Credit? I don’t care. No credit? No problem. Heck, just kill Lucas for me, and I’ll give you anything off the lot, free of charge. I’ll even throw in a complementary steak dinner. So head on down to Evil EJ’s Used Vehicle Emporium at the corner of County Road E and Highway 65. You’ll be glad you did, darling.

A Very Ejami Thanksgiving

The DiMera mansion

John: “Hey, Stefano, pass the mashed potatoes.”

Stefano: “Get them yourself, you ignorant cretin.”

EJ: “Father, I would appreciate if you could be civil.”

Stefano: “As you wish, Elvis. Here they are, you ignorant cretin.”

John: *eyebrow raise* “Thank you, Stefano. Now how about the gravy?”

Stefano: “This is rich, you have the gall to ask me for things that you could easily take seeing as they are right in front of you if you could be bothered to move.”

John (waiting for this opening): “Of course, you’d know all about taking things, wouldn’t you, Stefano? Like, say, my kidney?”

Stefano: “Apparently that forced timeout you had damaged your brain. You cannot prove that anyone at this table had anything to do with any supposed organ stealing.”

EJ (politely): “I would think that at this point, John, we could put aside our differences.”

John (icily): “I wasn’t aware we had any similarities, Elvis.”

Sami (cheerily): “Yes, you do, you and EJ have lots in common, like…um…uh…”

John: “On second thought, you’re right, Sami. We both can handle firearms, although one of us needs to spend a little more time at the shooting range.”

EJ (glaring at John): “I wouldn’t know.”

Stefano (annoyed): “Enough. I welcome you into my home to celebrate this insipid American holiday and partake of my hospitality, and this is how I am rewarded? I am merely accommodating my new daughter-in-law and her desire to include you, but instead you continue to make baseless accusations against my son.”

John (insinuatingly): “If that were true, Roman would be here as well.”

Stefano: “What, invite the man who drugged me and placed me in a coffin like some show piece into my residence? I’d rather die…again.”

Sami: “Hey, my dad just did what he thought he had to do to keep you above ground.”

John (ready): “Okay, let’s lay it all out on the line, Stefano. You’re right, this isn’t a social call. We’re here to figure out how your psychopath son here brainwashed my stepdaughter into marrying his pathetic self.”

EJ (fed up): “What, no sociopath? It appears I’m growing on you, John.”

Stefano: “Pathetic? It is you who are pathetic to even imply that Samantha was coerced in any way to take her rightful place in our family.”

Sami (leaning over): “Mom, I told you to tell him not to say anything. John didn’t have to bring that up-he still has one perfectly fine kidney. Now look what he started!”

Marlena: “I did, sweetie, but we can’t help but worry about you.”

Sami (insistent): “I told you, the twins are fine, I’m fine-I’m dealing with it.”

Marlena (whispering): “I’m sure you are. But what about EJ, has he-”
Stefano: “Is there something you’d like to share with the rest of us, Dr. Evans?”

John (threatening): “Don’t you ever talk to my wife like that again.”

Stefano: “I will talk to Marlena in any manner I wish, John, in my own residence. Now, what is it that you were whispering, Marlena?”

Marlena (turning to look at him): “I don’t feel like sharing.”

Stefano: “That is too bad because you are going to tell me anyway.”

Marlena (angry): “Really, Stefano? What are you going to do, lock me in a cage again?”

Stefano: *waves his hand* “That is it, we are done. This gathering is over. Elvis, bring your wife, and…Elvis?”

John (standing up): “That’s right, we are done because we are leaving right now and we are taking…Sami? Sami?”

*Stefano and Jarlena look around and see that Ejami has left the room to check on the twins*

Dr. Rolf (walking in): “Dessert, yes? Apple pie und cherry?”

Kid EJ Tortures Steve

Kid EJ: "You are my solider!" *waves tarot card*

Steve: "Whatever, tiny dude. No matter how many times you shock me, I ain't doing nothin'."


Steve: "Man, you are such a whiner."



Stefano (in another room): *sigh* "Yes, Elvis?"

Kid EJ: "Steven won't obey me! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Stefano (rolling his eyes): "Did you use the tarot card?"

Kid EJ: "Yes!"

Stefano: "Did you electrocute him?"

Kid EJ: "Five times!"

Stefano: "Is the machine working?"

Kid EJ: "Of course it is! I'm not stupid, Father."

Steve: *snickers*

Kid EJ: "What? Hey-no! NO! You were faking the entire time?!!"

Steve (moving around): "OH PLEASE NO! OH STOP IT HURTS! OH THE HUMANITY! You buy anything, dontcha, kiddo?"


Stefano (bored): "Fix the machine, and do it right, this time, Elvis. And no more bothering me or none of your video pastimes for you this week."

Kid EJ: "Video games, Father. Games."

Stefano (warning): "Elvis..."

Kid EJ: "Yes, Father. Of course, Father."

Steve (smug): "Well, I guess you better get hoppin', small fry."

Kid EJ (angry): "You are going to pay for this! You hear me?!"


I like to post about the best couple in daytime television, EJ and Sami from "Days of Our Lives." Here's some of my Ejami rambling.