Saturday, June 28, 2008

Disturbia



Deep within the vast Byzantine that is the DiMansion, Hero EJ, Evil EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll are lounging in the home theater room. Hero EJ is dressed in his black suit and sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Evil EJ who is dressed in a black sweatshirt and jeans with a black blanket wrapped around him. Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll are on the floor with their toys, both dressed in nursing scrubs, him in blue and Samantha in pink. All three are watching American Psycho.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Batman isn’t going to put the kitty in the ATM, is he?”

Evil EJ (reassuringly): “No. He thinks about it, but he doesn’t.”

Evil Crazy EJ (talking to the screen): “No, Batman! Not the kitty! Financial machines eat money, not animals!”

Evil EJ (pointing): “Don’t worry. See? He didn’t.”

Evil Crazy EJ (relived): “Good! You can look now, Samantha. The kitty is okay!”

Samantha: “…”

Hero EJ (cringing): “But those police officers aren’t. Exactly how many people does Christian Bale’s character kill in this movie?”

Evil EJ (thinking about it): “At least a dozen. Probably closer to thirty.”

Hero EJ (sincerely): “I have to hand it to you, Evil EJ. This has to be the most violent, misogynistic, and depraved film I’ve ever had to watch.”

Evil EJ (lighting up): “I know. Isn’t it great?”

Hero EJ (disapprovingly): “You would think so.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “It’s my favorite movie.”

Angry Voice (loudly): “Bloody imbecile! I could strangle him! I should strangle him!! Flipping lap dog!!!”

Hero EJ, Evil EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha turn to see a very angry Gray EJ enter the room and walk over to them.

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Hi, Gray EJ!”

Evil EJ (calmly): “Bad writing getting you down, twinkletoes?”

Gray EJ (throwing his hands up in the air): “I’ve had it! Do you know what I had to do this week? I had to completely brush off Samantha at the health club. Then I had to have a completely inane conversation with Lucas. And then I had to turn around and act like best friends with the man who shot and paralyzed us at the expense of the woman we love!

Evil EJ (to Hero EJ): “He’s annoyed Lucas ate his chips.”

Hero EJ grins in spite of himself but his smile quickly fades as he watches Gray EJ violently kick a nearby wall.

Hero EJ (concerned): “I know you’re upset about the poor dialogue and storyline, but it will all work out sooner or later, Gray EJ. Please don’t hurt yourself.”

Gray EJ (not listening): “No, what I should do is put us all into a coma because it gets even better! Soon we’re having sex with Nicole! Oh, I cannot wait for that.”

Evil EJ (shrugging): “No need. We’re not having sex with Nicole.”

Gray EJ (wondering): “Of course we are. You’ve seen the spoilers, haven’t you?”

Evil EJ (firmly): “Of course. But we aren’t having sex with Nicole.”

Gray EJ (challenging): “Yes, we are.”

Evil EJ (adamant): “No, we’re not.”

Evil EJ gestures broadly towards another door across the room.

Evil EJ (grandly): “Don’t get mad, get even, is what I always say. And that’s why I-”

Hero EJ coughs lightly.

Evil EJ (trying again): “My pathetic assistant and I-”

Hero EJ coughs louder.

Evil EJ (through gritted teeth): “My esteemed colleague and I-”

Evil EJ stops and looks at Hero EJ. Hero EJ nods approvingly.

Evil EJ (continuing): “give you…the E-5000!”

Hero EJ, Evil EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, his Samantha doll, and Gray EJ watch as a figure lumbers its way into the room.

Mechanical Voice (inhuman): “YOU SO NICE TO ME, NICOLE. YOU IS GREAT!”

Gray EJ (totally confused): “What is it?”

Evil EJ (annoyed): “You unintelligent worm, it’s clearly a psychotronic based-”

Evil Crazy EJ (interrupting): “He is Robo EJ! Samantha named him!”

Evil EJ (sighing): “We’ve discussed this before, Evil Crazy EJ. The E-5000 is a Skynet enabled, highly advanced cyborg capable of undertaking the most difficult and dangerous missions, not a mere robot.”

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “Samantha says he is made out of metal and not alive like we are so he is a robot!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Samantha! Just like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2!

Hero EJ (to Evil EJ): “Although you’re technically correct, as it is a distinction without much difference, you should just let it go. No one else cares.”

Evil EJ (not happy about it): “Fine. We can just all be wrong then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “We helped Evil EJ and Hero EJ build him by drawing the instructions!”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and hand their work to Gray EJ.



Gray EJ (looking between the schematic and the final product): “Ah, so we aren’t going to have elevator sex with Nicole…he is.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Precisely, as he is anatomically correct. Ingenious, isn’t it? This way none of us need spend any time with that worthless tramp.”

Gray EJ (raising his eyebrow as he hands the schematic back to Evil Crazy EJ): “Indeed. I have to admit, I’m surprised you’re on board with this, Hero EJ.”

Hero EJ (folding his arms): “While I appreciate TPTB’s attempt to redeem Nicole, I do not approve of it coming at the expense of our characterization, storyline, and proper pairing. Hence my alliance in this regard with my archnemesis.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Between the two of us, it was an easy task to construct him.”

Robo EJ (mechanically): “LET US SMOOCHY SMOOCHY, NICOLE!”

Gray EJ (considering Robo EJ again): “You know, I rather hate to mention this at this point given that I’m sure you two worked very hard making him, but he looks and acts nothing like us, not to mention his monotone voice with the poor grammar. This is as if you threw an 80s department store mannequin on top of a T-1000 exoskeleton. And why is all that gel in his hair?”

Hero EJ gives Evil EJ a dirty look.

Hero EJ (annoyed): “Perhaps if someone hadn’t insisted on cobbling him together from Rolf’s spare parts, we could have achieved a more lifelike result.”

Evil EJ (scoffing as he gestures): “I am not going to spend my hard earned nefarious lawyer money on something that’s only going to last another five weeks or so before Father awakens or the writing staff turns over, whichever happens first.”

Gray EJ (disbelievingly): “This is never going to fool anyone, not even Nicole.”

Hero EJ (disagreeing): “Actually Robo EJ passed with flying colors during the field testing last week.”

Gray EJ (surprised): “That was Robo EJ?”

Evil EJ (insultingly): “Maybe if you spent less time being irate and more time paying attention to this sorry excuse of a television show, your small mind would have seen that the EJ on screen was clearly none of us yet was more than good enough to fool the insipid drunkard that is Nicole.”

Evil EJ looks at his watch.

Evil EJ (to Hero EJ): “Speaking of which, now that Gray EJ is here, I assume you will want to prepare for what lies ahead along with conducting your usual covert vigil on the twins and Samantha.”

Hero EJ (nodding as he stands): “Yes, I should get going. Interlacing Robo EJ’s screentime with mine will be a difficult task, but I intend to complete it as seamlessly as possible.”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “I’m sure you’ll be as flawless as ever.”

Gray EJ (sincerely): “Good luck.”

Evil Crazy EJ (cheerily): “Samantha says have fun playing with Robo EJ, Hero EJ!”

Robo EJ (mechanically): “YOU UNDERSTAND ME, NICOLE! YOU SO PRETTY!”

Hero EJ walks over to Robo EJ and leads him out of the room. Gray EJ takes Hero EJ’s spot on the couch while Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha resume their place on the floor.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Um, shouldn’t Hero EJ try to hide Robo EJ? What if they run into someone?”

Evil EJ (dismissively as he restarts the film): “As far as the other characters on this show are concerned, this mansion consists of an entryway, a living room, a staircase, a hallway, and Samantha’s room. We have run of this place, not that it would matter if we bump into anyone anyway since everyone is characterized as so bipolar right now, they’d just forget it ever happened ten minutes later.”

Gray EJ (muttering): “I wish we could make everyone forget Nicole.”

Evil EJ (repausing the movie): “Aren’t you the little death ray today? And here I thought you were supposed to be the sensible one.”

Gray EJ (seething): “After the inane dialogue and actions I was forced to perform recently, I’m not feeling very charitable.”

Evil EJ (approving): “As much as I appreciate you giving into your violent tendencies, you know as well as I do that we cannot eliminate Nicole because TPTB have supposedly slated her for the heroine slot now that Sami will be re-villainized in order to be with us. After all, the show needs a Belle.”

Gray EJ (begrudgingly): “I suppose.”

Gray EJ notices Evil EJ’s casual attire and the blanket around him.

Gray EJ (suddenly concerned): “Are you not feeling well, Evil EJ?”

Evil Crazy EJ (blurting): “Evil EJ is sick! Too much stupidity on the show!”

Evil EJ (coughing): “Well, it’s either that or those contaminated tomatoes. Damn CDC can’t even track a salmonella outbreak.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “Nurse Samantha and Nurse Evil Crazy EJ are taking care of him!”

Gray EJ (laughing): “You’re lucky to have such devoted attendants.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “There’s no one else I’d rather have look after me.”

Evil Crazy EJ (beaming with pride): “Of course! Samantha is a licensed practical nurse. And it is time to take your temperature again, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ (hiding his annoyance): “Fifteen minutes ago wasn’t recently enough?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Samantha insists! She says we must compare the results to before.”

Evil EJ (giving in): “All right.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and come over to Evil EJ in order to measure his temperature with an electronic ear thermometer.

Evil Crazy EJ (comfortingly): “Now this will not hurt, Evil EJ, but Samantha is here for you if you need to cry.”

Evil EJ (holding back): “If only I had done this multiple times today already.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing it): “Yes, you are a very good patient!”

Evil Crazy EJ quickly takes Evil EJ’s temperature. Nodding at the results, he turns to his wife.

Evil Crazy EJ (to his doll): “Got it!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, sweetheart! We must take this back to the lab!”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha resume their place on the floor and begin to analyze the results. Sensing that Gray EJ is not finished, Evil EJ leaves the movie on pause and turns back to him.

Gray EJ (hand through his hair): “I know it shouldn’t, but Days is driving me crazy right now.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Now, now, Gray EJ. We already have one insane EJ, and he’s more than enough.”

Gray EJ (grimacing): “I know the entire show is awful across the board, but look at what is happening to Samantha and us. Why this mess? Why this business with Nicole? I thought we were different. I thought our couple was different.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “We are, and it is. Unfortunately, expecting us to escape the less savory tropes of our respective genre was wishful thinking. Apparently this is supposed to be titillating.”

Gray EJ (bluntly): “We should be on a better show.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “We should. However, the E-5000-”

Evil Crazy EJ (interjecting): “Robo EJ!”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Robo EJ aside, this is in character even if the execution is appalling.”

Gray EJ (intensely disagreeing as he points): “How can you possibly say that?! This entire plot point is unnecessary! Yes, Samantha and us had to be torn apart so we could come together again without the Black Wedding hanging over our heads. But it could have happened in a much more interesting, inventive, and fun manner! We didn’t even need to have Lucas or Nicole involved at all. No wonder the demo is down-no one wants to watch this!”

Evil EJ (almost on the same page): “Agreed. But we’ve done this before.”

Gray EJ (challenging): “When?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “November and December 2006. Ejole is just an Ejate retread. We did the same exact thing with desk sex with Kate as Robo EJ will be doing with elevator sex with Nicole. In both cases, once Samantha chose Lucas over us, we slept with her enemy. Yes, it was to salve our own pain, but it was also to hurt her as much as we could…as much as she had hurt us. We’re not a nice man.”

Gray EJ (making a face): “I thought you liked that.”

Evil EJ (sanguine): “Malice without intelligence is mere animalism…and nature, my dear boy, is what we were put on earth to rise above.”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look over towards Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (seriously): “Excellent observation, Samantha.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, darling, the results show Evil EJ is not better right now.”

Evil EJ (idly): “There’s a lesson there, you know.”

Gray EJ (irritated): “Yes, it’s only a matter of time before we all lose it with the show in such disarray.”

Evil EJ chuckles and looks at Gray EJ.

Evil EJ (openly): “No, it’s that you define your own reality. As fictional characters, we are not bound to the official story nor to any particular interpretation. So no matter what happens this summer, she is still our Samantha, you understand?”

Gray EJ (accepting): “I do.”

Gray EJ considers Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (agreeably): “You’re insightful when you’re ill.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Now that’s a backhanded complement if I’ve ever heard one.”

Gray EJ’s eyes widen as Evil EJ’s smile dissolves into a coughing fit. Alarmed, Gray EJ puts his right hand on Evil EJ’s shoulder. Jumping up at Evil EJ’s distress, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha hurry over to him.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Are you okay, Evil EJ?”

Evil EJ (uncomfortable with all the attention): “Of course. I’m fine.”

Gray EJ (getting up and moving Evil EJ before he can object): “You mean you will be if you rest. Here, you lie down.”

The decision made, Evil Crazy EJ suddenly focuses on his wife before holding out his Samantha doll to Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Samantha says she can take care of you even better if she can sit next to you.”

Evil EJ (protesting): “No, she should stay with you. I’ll get her sick.”

Evil Crazy EJ (not taking no for an answer): “Samantha has an advanced immune system. She will help you get well faster!”

Knowing Evil Crazy EJ will not let him refuse, Evil EJ reluctantly accepts Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll and places her next to him on the couch.

Gray EJ (thinking): “Let me guess, you haven’t eaten dinner yet. What would you like?”

Evil EJ (milking it): “Homemade chicken soup, a slightly burnt grilled cheese sandwich cut diagonally not horizontally, an organic Italian salad, a slice of gourmet French Silk pie, and a glass of whole milk nicely chilled.”

Gray EJ (not happy): “I’ll see what I can do. Evil Crazy EJ, are you and Samantha hungry?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, and Samantha and I would like to have what our patient is having so we can see if it is acceptable get well food. Except we would like chocolate milk instead, right, Samantha?”

Samantha: “…”

Gray EJ (moving towards the door he came in): “That’s fine. We’ll all have that then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (following Gray EJ): “I will get more blankets and pillows for Evil EJ so he is more comfortable!”

Evil EJ (relaxing into the couch): “Okay, you two. Samantha and I will be here waiting. We can finish up the movie over dinner.”

After both Gray EJ and Evil Crazy EJ have left the room, Evil EJ smirks widely.

Evil EJ (to himself): “I really must be ill more often.”

Out in the hallway, Gray EJ turns to Evil Crazy EJ.

Gray EJ (nicely): “Evil Crazy EJ, can you also stop by and check on Good EJ? He should be up from his nap around now. Can you see if he wants anything for dinner?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, I will before I get the blankets and pillows.”

Gray EJ (agreeably): “Sounds good. We’ll see each other shortly then, eh?”

Evil Crazy EJ (already walking away): “Yes! We need to get back to Evil EJ and Samantha!”

Gray EJ moves in the opposite direction from Evil Crazy EJ on his way to the kitchen. Meanwhile, Evil Crazy EJ goes to Good EJ’s room where Good EJ is still trapped in his cage.

Good EJ (brightly as Evil Crazy EJ enters the room): “Hello, Evil Crazy EJ! I’m so happy you came by! I had a very nice nap, and I was wondering if-OW!”

Enraged, Evil Crazy EJ pulls Good EJ forward and forcefully rams his face into the bars of the cage.

Evil Crazy EJ (disappointed): “Samantha knew it! She said not to trust you!”

Good EJ (wincing in pain): “What?”

Evil Crazy EJ (pointing): “You ungrateful goodnik! This is all your fault!”

Good EJ (trying to stop the blood spurting from his nose): “Why?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Evil EJ is sick because of you! Your stupidity infected the show and made him feel bad! He must be allergic to the glitter you got all over Days!”

Good EJ (hurt): “Evil Crazy EJ, that’s not right. I had nothing to do with all this bad writing. Or the tomatoes.”

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “I don’t believe you. You need to be punished. No Lucky Charms for you!”

Evil Crazy EJ reaches inside of the cage and removes the box of cereal before Good EJ can stop him.

Good EJ (surprised): “Then what am I supposed to eat?”

Evil Crazy EJ (sticking out his tongue): “You can eat your sparkly words and dumb rainbows!”

Good EJ (patiently): “Evil Crazy EJ, you have to feed me. You know you can’t kill me. We’ll all die.”

Evil Crazy EJ (irate): “Yes, Evil EJ has explained this several times to Samantha and myself, and we are both very sorry about not being able to murder you. But we can make you wish you were dead.”

Good EJ (cleaning up the blood on his face with his right sleeve): “You do realize that when Hero EJ and Gray EJ come to visit me later, I can just tell them that you aren’t giving me any food.”

Evil Crazy EJ (threateningly): “No, you are not going to say anything unless you would also like to bleed on the inside! You lie, and you say you only want water because you are not hungry! Or Samantha will rip out your toenails one by one!”

Good EJ (taken aback): “What happened to taking very good care of your prisoner?”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at Good EJ incredulously.

Evil Crazy EJ (frantic): “EVIL EJ IS SICK! Samantha has given the command to go to Red Alert! All prisoners’ rights have been revoked, especially to those who made him sick!!!”

Good EJ (imploringly): “I didn’t make him ill! I’ve been in here the entire time!”

Evil Crazy EJ (snidely): “Your horrible goodness is sneaky. Yes, you did, and you get your cereal back when Evil EJ gets better.”

Good EJ (worried): “We have no idea how long that might be.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, you are right, so I would think Samantha would suggest you start praying for his quick recovery.”

Good EJ (genuinely): “I can do that. I do want him to get better.”

Evil Crazy EJ (darkly): “Good. She would also ask you to consider which appendage you’d rather lose if someone does not get better soon and someone else and his wife need to remind a certain good someone about hurting the someone who is their best friend in the entire world.”

Good EJ (the color draining from his face): “Evil Crazy EJ, you can’t do that to me. You can’t! Please? Please-I didn’t make Evil EJ sick! Please, you have to believe me!”

Evil Crazy EJ (offhand as he moves away): “Samantha told me that if she had to choose, she would rather lose a leg because she needs her hands to color.”

Evil Crazy EJ ignores Good EJ’s pleas as he leaves the room and goes to get blankets and pillows for Evil EJ.

The Awful Week of June 23rd, 2008 in Review

Monday



Glasses are totally metal.



“EJ, I'll help you pack, and maybe Rolf can find us some boxes. Hey, Rolf?”
“He's at a tango lesson.” Ah, so close to a joke, yet so far.



“Great, and how would that look? Do you really want the immigration service breathing down our necks again?” I don’t know, EJ, do you?
“But I know that you can be a good guy when you want to be.” *snicker*
“I did that for you.” As you do everything for her.
“I'm asking you to do this for me, too. You have become a different man since you became a father. You've turned your back on the DiMera heritage. You're working for Mickey Horton now. I mean, who would have seen that coming?” Oh, someone is not going to like next week, is she?



“Okay, fine. I'll tell you what. But if I'm going somewhere, okay, I'm taking my son with me.” Hey, it’s March 6th, 2007 all over again!
“Samantha, darling, has it ever occurred to you that the situation with Lucas might not be fixable?” Well, to be fair, EJ, Sami doesn’t know about the content of the Lucas and Chloe scenes.



“You can put me out of sight, darling, but you cannot put me out of mind. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, you can't stop thinking about me.” Who wouldn’t? Sami is one lucky girl, if she’d only be willing to admit it.
“You are the most pompous, arrogant, conceited jerk I have ever met.”
“It's called confidence.” Exactly. EJ has very high self-esteem.



“Watching you with the twins...you're a natural with them. They are both very lucky to have had you in their lives. EJ, you know how to make me pretty angry, so I'll admit, I say things I don't mean sometimes. The truth is, you are a great father, and I will always want you to be a part of Johnny's life. But, you know, you could do that even if you weren't living here. So, what do you say?” I’m glad EJ didn’t fall for this emotional manipulation by Sami. Maybe we can actually start getting somewhere now.

Tuesday



“Well, there have got to be like a million good reasons I shouldn’t have a snack, and I can't think of one of them.” Oh, this better be going where I want it to go. And EJ gets to pick out the name this time!



Yippie, more Ejole foreshadowing. Bring on the summer of suck!



“Lucas and I hate each other, so why we are best buddies ten minutes from now I really cannot tell you. Perhaps I suffer some sort of severe head injury between now and then.”



“I know you’re supposed to be my archnemesis, but can you do me a favor?”



I would have much rather have watched EJ eat his food in silence here, but noooooo.



This is so wrong on multiple levels. I could write a 500 page paper on why, but the bottom line is EJ and Lucas being friends and eating lunch together after jointly dumping on Sami is damaging to all three characters. I genuinely regret watching this.



“What the hell?” Indeed, Sami. Indeed.

The Grade



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyoAr---Ygs

Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered

F-. Keep this up, and you’ll get yourself canceled yet, Days.

Monday, June 23, 2008

The Horrible Week of June 15th, 2008 in Review



Put simply, this is the worst week of Days I can ever remember having the misfortune to sit through. The show is utterly wretched right now. Don your HAZMAT suits, kiddies.

Monday



“And then I thought, "You know, EJ, before things get really nasty, maybe you should give him one more chance," “Not a lot gets by me,” and “I will make you, your family, and your businesses look like the opening act in a freak show.” Hello, Evil EJ! Oh, how I wish you had stuck around the rest of this week. And I do forgive Victor here for not realizing that Evil EJ’s threats are anything but empty; Hogan only used him once every six months, so this is the first time he’s met Evil EJ.



Which is more insulting, the insinuation that Lucas can read or that he’s worthy enough to watch “Weekend at Bernie's?” At least Sami was stronger than usual with him.



“Aw, Dad! I can totally take him!”



Man, is Sami rusty or what? EJ never stands there when he eavesdrops; he stands farther over so even if the doors open you can’t see him. And way to trust your “soulmate,” Lucas.



“Daddy, please. I mean, it's been seven months since the twins were born, and I'm barely getting my body back.”
“Trust me, daughter, you look even more beautiful than you ever did.” Hmm, this and Sami forgetting her sunglasses on the top of her head…hinting at a possible Ejami baby or unusually pointed filler dialogue? You make the call!



“Look, I don't want to come between you and Sami.” I had to pause my recording I was laughing so hard.



It would have been nice…in another show.



Man, from EJ to Trent? Downgrade.



“Anyway...I thought you and I could go out and celebrate. There's that new Italian restaurant. It opened up on the waterfront. They got five stars in the Chronicle.” The Spectator, the Inquisitor, and the Chronicle? EJ is a veritable trove of printed information, and of course as the DiMera he is, he wants to go to the Italian restaurant.
“EJ...come on. We can't just go to dinner together, but lunch here now? That’s totally fine.”
“Well, you and I have a few things we need to talk about now that TPTB have switched directions and added this entire scene between us here that wasn’t originally planned.”

Wednesday



I have no idea what EJ said here, but it wasn’t a joke, so *shrug*



“That woman does nothing but completely infuriate me.” Yes, EJ. You like that about her, remember?
“And I tell you, if she wasn't the mother of my child, I would wring her bloody neck.” Oh, so many things wrong with that statement. EJ, let me remind you that you’re evil. You’ve already choked Sami on numerous occasions, including when she was pregnant with your children.



I’d recap the EJ and Lucas conversation here, but it was completely pointless and out of character for both of them. Lucas is telling EJ to chill out? EJ isn’t happy knowing that Lucas is done with Sami? Lucas doesn’t want to make Sami suffer before he leaves her? What show am I watching?



And in what universe is this hand gesture thing romantic?



Ugh, Ejole. It was as though TPTB had stabbed me, but I didn’t know then that this is thankfully rectified in the next episode. Go go go direction change!

Thursday



Beats me whatever EJ was trying to do here, but it looks painful.



“Nobody will know,” “As far as I was aware, we were just distracting each other,” “Look, I was upset about Samantha. You were upset about-I don't know-whatever it was that you were upset about.” Clearly rewritten dialogue, but I approve of the harshness showing that EJ is just using Nicole.
“You're still in love with Sami.” Of course he is, Nicole. Ejole was just supposed to be an obstacle couple. His Samantha is the center of his world.
“Nicole, I don't think you're some kind of tramp.” You do now, EJ. That’s why you came here for some easy sex in the revised storyline.



Honestly, this says it all about what is wrong with Days right now. I want excitement, adventure, and romance, not a lonely depressed woman sitting by herself in a darkened room.



“I was all ready for this summer Ejole pairing, right? We even took photos with my arm around her! But as it turns out I have absolutely no chemistry with Nicole, and it actually was completely out of character for me to even be a bit interested in her after being completely devoted to Samantha for more than two years. So accordingly, the ratings tanked, and now I’m stuck here talking to you during this reshoot.”



“Oh, poor EJ. Here you are with your great looks, your quick wit, the DiMera ambition, and you're a total flop when it comes to love?” What quick wit? I cannot remember the last joke EJ made.



“Fight for Samantha, blah blah blah…you know, Tony, I think I’m perfectly capable of redirecting myself from a chemistry-free couple to my proper pairing.”
“Hey, at least you get a plotline. TPTB only drag me out when it’s convenient to give you advice, and you didn’t even care enough about me to come to my off screen wedding.”

The Verdict:



“Now I love trash, so much so I even wrote a song about it. But this show is so bad it doesn’t even deserve to be called garbage. It’s insulting to real trash! Slimey here could write a better soap, and he’s a WORM!”

Sunday, June 22, 2008

More Ejami and EJ clips on Hulu



It's from June 16th where Ejami chat at the Brady Pub.



It's from June 18th where EJ and Lucas talk. Watch at your peril as this has both Lucas and some rather awful dialogue.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

An Open Letter



TPTB, you had this entire summer/early fall Lumi and Ejole as Ejami obstacle couples thing worked out, and then the stupid audience screwed everything up by refusing to watch them. So now you’re scrambling to repair the damage before NBC has to shell out even more money to its advertisers as the number of promised viewer eyeballs drops ever lower. Lumi and Ejole must die, and Ejami must be put together, but how can it be done so quickly in any manner that makes sense and doesn’t reek of the hard direction change that it is?

No problem. I can hook you right up for free.



Carpe’s Top Ten Ways to Destroy Lumi/Ejole and Unite Ejami



10. Exploit Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: After all, what gets people to admit their true feelings better than looking into the stark face of death? Now, I know what you’re thinking. Carpe, we do not have the budget for one raptor, much less two. And to that I say, take a page from the best horror movies and don’t actually show the monsters. They can be dinosaurs, robots, robotic dinosaurs, whatever. All you need to show is Lucas, Sami, EJ, and Nicole hiding from and fighting against said invasion, and the rest will sort itself out as Lucas will fail to protect Sami, EJ will favor his Samantha over Nicole, and Sami will confess her love to EJ.

Time to implement: Three episodes-I’m thinking a Tuesday, Wednesday, and a Thursday.



9. Oops, we did it again or this time EJ gets to name the kid: Yeah, I know. Sami just had two babies, and they’re not even a year old yet. But, let’s face it, you’ve already SORASed both Johnny and Ali, so it’s not entirely out of the question. Moreover, there’s absolutely no doubt that the baby would be EJ’s, so Lucas would drop Sami like a hot potato and EJ would do the same to Nicole in order to focus on Sami and the unborn baby. Therefore, it’s very soon timewise, but it would still work well.

Time to implement: One to two weeks, depending on whether you want Lucas to pretend he could handle another DiMera child for a bit.



8. Lucas kidnaps Ali. It’s an organic outgrowth of Lucas desire to have “his daughter” to himself and befitting of his convicted felon status. This instantly severs EJ from Nicole as he would rush to Sami and Johnny’s side as soon as Sami calls for his help. Ejami would grow closer as they look for Ali, and both Lumi and Ejole would be dead in the water, especially after Ali is recovered and revealed to be EJ’s daughter.

Time to implement: I’m thinking a week. This is Lucas, after all. How far away could he possibly get?



7. Ali gets sick. Salem is not a good place to be if you’re a baby as Claire and Joey know, and there’s nothing like a child getting sick to force one of those clich├ęd bloodwork or DNA tests. Ali being EJ’s biologically ties Ejami together even more and removes Lucas’ excuse for sticking with Sami this time around. He’d leave her once and for all, and EJ would drop Nicole like a bad habit in order to be with his Samantha.

Time to implement: Three episodes. She gets sick, her blood DiMera status is revealed, and then she gets better.



6. Divine intervention. It doesn’t have to be via Colleen, and I’d actually prefer it not be as I am afeared of what would happen to me if I had to listen to that dialogue again, but sudden inspiration is a classic trope of fiction. Have Sami doze off, imagine her futures with both Lucas and EJ, wake up, and then run off to find EJ in order to bury herself in his arms.

Time to implement: Two episodes if you want to do it well by comparing and contrasting Lucas’ tasteless emotional and mental abuse of Sami to EJ’s glorious evil pampering of his tainted princess.



5. Lucas and Nicole were working together this entire time: I know, I know. It’s a retcon. But one that you can take anywhere you want. Lucas and Nicole were trying to break up Ejami out of spite? Sure. Ejami walks in on Lucas and Nicole having a one night stand? Okay. Lucas and Nicole are secret lovers and try to kill Ejami in order to steal their children because Nicole can’t have biological kids? Why not?

Time to implement: Totally dependent on how entwined you want Lucas and Nicole to be but most likely no longer than two weeks.



4. EJ and Sami were working together this entire time: Another retcon, but one that could be absolutely delicious. The idea is that Ejami is totally together emotionally but they’ve been playing Lucas and Nicole respectively in order to secure custody of Ali as they don’t know she is biologically EJ’s. Accordingly, there are plenty of secret trysts between EJ and Sami as they gleefully plan their subterfuge together and shots of them laughing about their pathetic victims.

Time to implement: This can be as short or as long as you want, depending on how much you want to drag out Lucas’ and Nicole’s torture.



3. It was all a dream! Hey, it worked for Dallas. Sami wakes up in the morning in her bed in the DiMansion and then joins EJ in the shower where she tells him all about how she had this weird nightmare about Lucas being out of prison and wanting to get back together with him.

Time to implement: One episode, and everything is instantly reset.



2. Overt Evil EJ. The man with a plan, always. Just have EJ get up on the wrong side of the bed one morning, skip shaving, and put on his all black suit, and you’re good to go. He’ll take his Samantha from Lucas and put Nicole in her place faster than you can say electroshock therapy.

Time to implement: One week. Not that he needs that much time, of course, but wouldn’t you like to really enjoy watching him work?



1. Fast forward or I don’t know what you’re talking about. The episode starts with Ejami together as a couple and goes from there. Explanation? We don’t need no stinking explanation.

Time to implement: One episode, and EJ and/or Sami can fill in the blanks with a few lines of exposition later. We don’t actually have to see Lumi and Ejole implode. I mean, Tanna got married off screen, so this should be a piece of cake.



So, come on, TPTB! Pick one or more of the above, and let’s turn this game around! And if you don’t like any of those ideas, there’s more where those came from. I haven’t even mentioned Officer Chuck yet.