Monday, December 15, 2008

Ejamiland Snubbed

The internet's 11 worst blogs revealed.

Next year, kiddies. Next year.

What I'd Like For Christmas

A mysterious stranger kidnaps Sami from the safehouse, and when she's forced into his car, she sees Johnny and Ali in the backseat. She then turns to the man besides her in the driver's seat and calls out his name as he removes his ski mask. EJ grins at her indignation as he starts the vehicle and winks as he says, "I thought we'd take a family vacation, sweetheart. I hear Florida is quite nice this time of year."

Product Placement I Can Support

Ejami is cuddling on their couch in front of their Christmas tree.

Sami: "By the way, EJ, what gun did you use to kill Nicole again?"

EJ takes his gun out of his holster.

EJ: "Well, Samantha, this is the new Klobb P47 with 0.9mm armor piercing rounds. Perfect for when you want your target to not only be eliminated but to die slowly on their way out."

History Is Written By The Victors

Having stymied his author, Evil EJ waits for her to continue.

Carpe (improvising): “Suddenly not tired, Evil EJ stood in place as he listened for the hour.”

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “Now that’s just sad.”

Carpe (defensive): “I needed a transition.”

Carpe (continuing): “Evil EJ stood in this state until the chime had gone three quarters more when he remembered on a sudden that the ghost had warned him of a visitation when the bell tolled one.”

Evil EJ (triumphantly): “The hour itself, and nothing else!”

A being shimmers into place before Evil EJ.

Carpe (narrating): “It was a strange figure. For, as its belt sparkled and glittered, now in one part and now in another, and what was light one instant at another time was dark, so the figure itself fluctuated in its distinctness. And, in the very wonder of this, it would be itself again; distinct and clear as ever.”

Evil EJ (questioning): “Are you the spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?”

Hero EJ (answering): “I am!”

Carpe (adding detail): “The voice was soft and gentle.”

Evil EJ (another question): “Who and what are you?”

Hero EJ (pompously): “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

At this declaration, Evil EJ walks over to Hero EJ and puts his arm around his shoulders.

Evil EJ (seriously): “I must say, Hero EJ, I’m very proud of you. Gender reassignment surgery is such a courageous choice, and-”

Infuriated at the insinuation, Hero EJ grabs Evil EJ’s arm, twists him upside down, and flings him across the room. Evil EJ hits the opposing wall with a loud thud and rests on the floor for a moment as he winces in pain.

Evil EJ (not happy): “What happened to home field advantage?”

Carpe (informatively): “Just because the house heavily favors you doesn’t mean you’re going to win every bet.”

Hero EJ (smirking): “Your reclamation has arrived.”

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “I’ll reclamate someone, all right.”

On guard, Evil EJ pulls himself into a sitting position.

Evil EJ (eyeing Hero EJ as he speaks): “You are here for the long past?”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “No. Your past.”

Hero EJ walks over to Evil EJ and offers his hand.

Hero EJ (smiling): “Shall we, sunshine?”

Evil EJ (not taking it as he gets up): “Indeed.”

Hero EJ uses his Ghost of Christmas Past powers to bring himself and Evil EJ into the past, arriving at a lake at a very familiar summer resort.

Hero EJ (explaining): “These are but shadows of the things that have been. They have no consciousness of us.”

Evil EJ (not trusting him): “Says the man dressed as Legolas’ sexually confused twin brother.”

Both Hero EJ and Evil EJ watch as Stefano tries to push away a younger version of themselves dressed in swim trunks as he clings to his father for dear life.

Toddler EJ (afraid): “No, father.”

Stefano (insistent): “Yes, Elvis.”

Toddler EJ (shaking his head): “No.”

Stefano (not patient): “Elvis, let go of my hand. You know what happens when you defy me.”

Toddler EJ (not obeying): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (showing his reasoning): “This is an important part of your training. The water can hurt you, my son, but you have to embrace your fear in order to conquer it.”

Toddler EJ (up to his neck in water): “No. I don’t want to, father.”

Stefano (firmly): “It doesn’t matter what you want. Now, Elvis, I want you to let go of my hand.”

Toddler EJ (terrified of the waves lapping at him): “No.”

Stefano looks at his son for a moment before forcefully removing his hand from his offspring’s, grabbing him by the back of the neck, and plunging him face first into the water.

Hero EJ (covering his eyes at the sight): “I can’t watch. It’s too painful.”

Evil EJ (more uncomfortable than he’d like): “Subtle is not our lethargic author’s strong suit, eh?”

Hero EJ (refusing to peek through his fingers): “Oh, I really don’t want to remember any of this.”

Evil EJ (clenching his jaw): “I’m betting this is it as she won’t want to give away anything else that she can use in Damaged if she ever gets around to finishing it.”

Carpe (ready to move on): “When, not if, and yes, this isn’t the place for that.”

Exhaling in relief, Hero EJ brings himself and Evil EJ forward in the timeline to a certain apartment hallway.

Flashback Sami (liking what she’s seeing): “And you are?

Flashback EJ (extending his hand): “I’m EJ.”

Flashback Sami (taking it and pulling him close to her): “I’m Sami…and I’m yours.”

Flashback EJ (wrapping his arm around her waist): “You should know I’m a DiMera.”

Flashback Sami (moving her lips towards his): “Even better.”

As Flashback Ejami kisses, Hero EJ looks over at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (grinning): “Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday.”

Hero EJ (flatly): “That’s not what happened.”

Evil EJ (mock confusion): “It’s not?”

The scene shifts as Hero EJ and Evil EJ move forward in time.

Flashback Sami (holding his hand): “This is lovely, EJ. Who knew Paris was so beautiful at Christmas?”

Flashback EJ (smirking): “I might have had some indication the City of Lights had something to offer you this time of year, darling.”

Flashback Sami (corner of her mouth turning up): “I’ll bet.”

Flashback EJ (grinning as he looks at her): “I’m always thinking of you.”

Flashback Sami (smiling back): “You are, aren’t you?”

Still holding her hand, Flashback EJ takes a step back and gets down on one knee as Flashback Sami watches in surprise.

Flashback EJ (sincerely): “Yes, sweetheart. Samantha…you’re the only woman in the world who could have made me into the man I am today.”

Flashback EJ deftly slips a ring onto Flashback Sami’s finger.

Flashback EJ (softly as he looks into her eyes): “Will you marry me?”

Flashback Sami stares at Flashback EJ for a moment.

Flashback Sami (grabbing onto him): “YES!!!”

Flashback EJ (holding her tight as he closes his eyes): “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Hero EJ rolls his eyes at Evil EJ as Flashback Ejami hugs.

Evil EJ (pretending to dab his eyes with his handkerchief): “It’s just…so beautiful.”

Hero EJ (annoyed): “That didn’t happen either!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Oh, come now, do you really want to relive our actual history on this show? The illustriously idiotic events we’ve been a party to? The ‘rape?’ The cabin or freezer incidents? All the other insulting plotting? This is what should have happened, and you know it.”

Hero EJ (admitting): “Well, you have me there. But even with all that, everything was wonderful was until you decided to dump Sami for Nicole.”

Evil EJ (crossing his arms): “I did nothing of the sort. That walking corpse did.”

Hero EJ (hurt): “I told you these were shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me!”

Evil EJ (ice cold): “I don’t. I hold the writers responsible.”

Hero EJ and Evil EJ come upon Zombie Dallas EJ and Nicole in sitting on a bench in Salem Park after a recent snowfall. Nicole is tugging on Zombie Dallas EJ’s coat sleeve while he is trying to speak to her.

Zombie Dallas EJ (seriously): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “You always tell me how smart I am, EJ. I know, I’m so great! That’s why I get all the screentime on the show. Everyone loves me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (trying again): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “Yes, I know, baby cakes, I’m so intelligent. That’s one of the many things people adore about me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (making pouty face): “Brain?”

Nicole (talking): “The ratings and demographics are just wrong! Fortunately TPTB know how fantastic I am and write for me all the time. People need to have me on five days a week and in every single storyline always!”

Aghast at the sickening display, Evil EJ rolls his eyes while Hero EJ shifts uncomfortably.

Zombie Dallas EJ (trouble holding back): “Brain!”

Nicole (still talking): “Yes, yes, I’m such a good girl! There’s never been such a breathtaking woman like me on the show, especially not Sa-”

Nicole’s words are cut short as blood abruptly appears in the middle of her forehead, and her body falls backward onto the bench. Surprised, Hero EJ turns to his side to see Evil EJ lower his right arm, his hand holding his gun complete with silencer that has just been used to permanently quiet Nicole.

Hero EJ (looking upward as he raises his hands in the air): “Oh, COME ON!”

There is a faint sound akin to muffled snickering.

Evil EJ (mock apologetically to Hero EJ): “I’m sorry-did you want to kill her?”

Seeing Nicole’s skull cracked open and its contents spread all over the bench and the snow drift behind it, Zombie Dallas EJ looks hopefully at Evil EJ.

Zombie Dallas EJ (excitedly): “Brain?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Certainly. It’s not as if she was using it. But you get any of that on either of us, the next one will be for you.”

Zombie Dallas EJ (ecstatic): “BRAIN!!!!”

As Zombie Dallas EJ munches on Nicole’s corpse, Evil EJ confronts Hero EJ.

Evil EJ (insulted): “You chose Nicole for Belle?!”

Hero EJ (stating the obvious): “Who else would it have been? Kate? She couldn’t be Samantha since Scrooge doesn’t end up with Belle.”

Evil EJ (still not satisfied): “Belle is supposed to be Scrooge’s soulmate. How dare you defile our love for our Samantha!”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No more than the show has with all its Ejole pimping. And Belle, well…she’s a spiteful, ungrateful woman. I mean, she dumps Scrooge for not buying them a house to live in as a couple when he’s just being fiscally responsible. And all that ‘you used to love me’ passive aggressive baiting of him. It’s pathetic.”

Evil EJ (considering Hero EJ): “Yes, she is quite the insipid twit. I admit I’m surprised we agree on this, elf boy. Perhaps you aren’t so hopeless, after all.”

Evil EJ (looking upward): “And no, that wasn’t an invitation to link to that maudlin ‘When Love Is Gone’ song. There’s a reason Disney left that out of the widescreen DVD release.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I wouldn’t dare. Way too bitter. I have something else in mind.”

And they’re coming through the door
And up through the floor
And it comes to me
That zombies can’t dance

Evil EJ (grinning): “How delightfully inappropriate.”

Hero EJ (considering): “I wonder how factually accurate that song is.”

Evil EJ (interest piqued): “Let’s find out, shall we?”

Zombie Dallas EJ looks up from his meal as Evil EJ gestures with his gun slightly.

Evil EJ (matter of fact): “That wasn’t a request.”

Taking the overt hint, Zombie Dallas EJ moves away from Nicole’s half-eaten body and begins a routine as he’s joined by numerous extras.

And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller

Hero EJ (cringing): “Is that really dancing?”

Evil EJ (pointing): “Bring on the control group!”

All eyes on me
In the center of the ring
Just like a circus
Get a real tight grip
Everybody don’t trip
Just like a circus

After the flourish of the song, both real EJs are left unimpressed.

Hero EJ (dismayed): “Apparently so.”

Evil EJ (gritting his teeth): “We are not settling for this.”

Both Evil EJ and Hero EJ smile as Flashback Sami rests in Flashback EJ’s arms at the conclusion of their dancing.

Hero EJ (sighing): “The tango and the abandoned house dancing were lovely.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Indeed. We fit together with Samantha perfectly.”

Evil EJ (digging): “You do know that is your worst montage, don’t you? I’m shocked you didn’t break the internet in half with the sped up clips.”

Carpe (irritated): “It’s also my first. And if the show stopped being conceited and started being entertaining again, I’d make some more with the new material.”

Having explored Evil EJ’s past, Hero EJ returns himself and Evil EJ to Evil EJ’s room at the DiMera mansion in the present timeline.

Hero EJ (trying to be nice): “Well, our trip through your past is complete. It was…interesting. And of course you learned absolutely nothing, I suppose.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Are you leaving?”

Hero EJ (nodding as he yawns): “Yes. My time grows short.”

Taking advantage of his companion’s relaxation, Evil EJ suddenly raises his gun and fires at Hero EJ. Completely shocked, Hero EJ activates his Ghost of Christmas Past powers and disappears before the bullet can hit him, leaving the shot to move through empty air before lodging in the wall. Disappointed, Evil EJ stares at the impact point for several seconds and then reluctantly reholsters his weapon.

Evil EJ (frustrated): “Not even in a parody.”

So Close Yet So Far

Carpe (thinking): “So where were we?”

Evil EJ (snidely): “If that doesn’t inspire confidence in the narrative, I don’t know what will.”

Carpe (ignoring him): “At length the end of the day arrived. With an ill-will Evil EJ left his business and took his melancholy dinner in his usual melancholy tavern, the Brady Pub. Having read the good parts of the newspapers including USA Today’s hilariously unintentionally poor Friday movie reviews, he went home. He lived in chambers that were a gloomy suite of rooms, old enough now and dreary enough. Just as Evil EJ was about to open the mansion’s front door, he saw it.”

Carpe (continuing): “Marley's face. It was not in impenetrable shadow, but had a dismal light about it. It was not angry or ferocious. The hair was curiously stirred, as if by breath of hot air; and, though the eyes were wide open, they were perfectly motionless. That, and its livid color, made it horrible; but its horror seemed to be in spite of the face, and beyond its control, rather than a part of its own expression.”

Evil EJ (unafraid): “That’s it?”

Carpe (continuing): “As Evil EJ looked fixedly at this phenomenon, it was a knocker again. In Evil EJ went, not caring a button for that. Darkness is cheap, and Evil EJ liked it. But before he went up to his room, he walked through the rooms closest to him. Bathroom, bedroom, sitting room. All as they should be. Quite satisfied, he went upstairs, entered his room, closed his door, and sat down before the fireplace when he suddenly heard a low moaning sound.”

Evil EJ (getting up again): “Humbug!”

The moaning is now accompanied by faint chiming.

Evil EJ (walking across the room): “It's humbug still. I won't believe it.”

Evil EJ listens as both the moaning and chiming increase in volume.

For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls

Evil EJ (deadpan): “Ah, yes, the obligatory Metallica reference. Perhaps you would like to waste several moments gushing over their four Grammy nominations, eh?”

Carpe (defensive): “Would you rather listen to ‘Carol of the Bells’?”

Evil EJ (firmly): “If you’re wasting time plugging your musical obsession, then I’m done playing around.”

The decision made, Evil EJ opens one of his numerous weapon lockers and suits up for supernatural combat.

Ready for anything, Evil EJ leaves his room. Searching for the source of the noise, he sweeps the interior of the mansion and takes out several minor apparitions with his combat shotgun before running into a familiar figure.

Evil EJ (surprised): “Father.”

Stefano (seeing what the noise was): “Elvis, what in the devil’s name are you doing up at this hour wandering the halls like some sort of crazed ninja?”

Evil EJ (sheepishly): “I’m…I’m hunting a ghost, father.”

Stefano looks at his son.

Stefano (raising an eyebrow): “Sawed off shotgun loaded with rock salt?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Handgun with anti-electromagnetic rounds?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Backup dagger with iron hilt?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Lighter and matches?

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Waterproof and regular.”

Stefano (continuing): “Ectoplasm resistant clothing and crucifix?”

Evil EJ pulls down the collar of his black fleece zip-up to show the cross around his neck.

Stefano (so far so good): “Copy of ‘Exorcisms and Certain Supplications?’”

Evil EJ (proudly): “English and Latin editions. Both memorized.”

Stefano (last item): “‘Encyclopedia of Spirits’ in the original translation?”

Evil EJ thinks for a moment.

Evil EJ (angry at himself): “Dammit, I knew I forgot something.”

Stefano (disappointed): “Elvis, what did I train you for if you cannot even remember the simplest of preparations when confronting otherworldly phenomena?”

Stefano moves over to a nearby bookcase, presses a button, and retrieves a copy of the reference from a stack of books tucked away behind a hidden panel.

Evil EJ (bowing after he accepts the book): “Sumimasen, otousan.”

Stefano (going back to bed): “Konbanwa, Elvis-chan.”

Evil EJ watches his father leave and then resumes his hunt for the source of the moaning and chiming. After several more minutes of searching, he sees a shadowy figure as he rounds a corner. Body tensed, Evil EJ hides behind the edge of the wall and readies his shot as the being moves towards him.

I shot the sheriff
But I swear it was in self-defense
If I am guilty
I will pay

Stupid Voice (bad Jamaican accent): “Don’t be hating, mon!”

Dumfounded, Evil EJ lowers his shotgun as he looks at Good EJ walk up to him wearing fake dreadlocks and a white ‘Visit Jamaica’ t-shirt.

Good EJ (even worse): “Take it easy!”

Evil EJ stares at Good EJ in shock as he holsters his shotgun on his back.

Evil EJ (flabbergasted): “Good EJ, just who exactly do you think you are pretending to be?”

Good EJ smiles at Evil EJ.

Good EJ (plainly as he drops character): “Bob Marley. Your late business partner.”

Aghast at his shiny counterpart’s idiocy, Evil EJ sighs audibly. He then takes off his combat backpack and rummages in it for a copy of the script. Moving over to Good EJ, Evil EJ flips to the second chapter and shows Good EJ the error of his ways.

Evil EJ (pointing): “Jacob Marley. Not Bob Marley, Rainbow Brite.”

Good EJ (taking off his wig): “Ohhhhhh. My mistake.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “You thought nothing of a Rastafarian in the 1840s?”

Good EJ (honestly): “Why not? We live in a very diverse society.”

Evil EJ (irritated): “Heaven forbid you actually read the script and not just glance at it during the commercial breaks of 'Ellen.'”

Good EJ smiles apologetically, and Evil EJ’s eyes widen as he realizes as his wisecrack was correct.

Good EJ (backing up slowly): “But Dennis Quaid was on, and it was really funny. You see, there was a hidden camera, and he went into Starbucks and he was really obnoxiousness saying ‘I am Dennis Quaid-I was nominated for a Golden Globe’ and-”

His patience run out, Evil EJ abruptly pistol whips Good EJ and then reholsters his weapon as he chokes his lighter doppelganger.

Good EJ (unable to break Evil EJ’s hold): “I’m sorry, Evil EJ! I’m sorry! Please stop hurting me!”

Evil EJ (darkly): “I haven’t begun hurting you, you pathetic waste of flesh.”

Carpe (breaking in): “Ah, yes, the beloved part of the classic story where Ebenezer Scrooge strangles the ghost of his old business partner-OH WAIT.”

At the interruption, Evil EJ stops choking Good EJ.

Carpe (reluctant): “As much as this personally amuses me, you’re avoiding the plot.”

Evil EJ (challenging): “You can’t actually expect Sugar Bumps here to genuinely frighten me.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I’ll settle for mild indifference. Now get back on track.”

Reluctantly stepping away from Good EJ, Evil EJ crosses his arms and begins.

Evil EJ (seething): “How now? What do you want with me?”

Taking Evil EJ’s copy of the script off the floor, Good EJ frantically flips through it attempting to find his lines.

Evil EJ (taking the opportunity to skip ahead): “Dreadful apparition, why do you trouble me?”

Good EJ (reading directly from the script): “It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow men, and, if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world-oh, woe is me!-and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth and turned to happiness!”

Carpe (seriously): “The spectre raised a cry and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands.”

Lacking the proper prop, Good EJ just shrugs.

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “You are fettered. Tell me why?”

Good EJ (apologetically): “I wear the chain I forged in life…well, um, metaphorically, I guess.”

Evil EJ (flatly): “Indeed. Jacob! Old Jacob Marley, tell me more! Speak comfort to me, Jacob!”

Good EJ smiles reassuringly at Evil EJ and moves towards him.

Good EJ (reaching over to hug Evil EJ): “It’s okay, Evil EJ. We’re just pretending. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Evil EJ (sneering as he pushes Good EJ away): “I’m not actually afraid, you indolent imbecile!”

Good EJ (feelings hurt): “Oh. Um, I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot linger anywhere as weary journeys lie before me!”

Carpe (seriously): “The ghost set up another cry, and clanked its chain so hideously in the dead silence of the night, that the ward would have been justified in indicting it for a nuisance.”

Good EJ (not really putting enough emotion into it): “Oh, captive, bound, and double-ironed! Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities misused! Yet such was I! Oh, such was I!”

Evil EJ (sarcastically): “But you were always a good man of business, Jacob. And annoyingly so.”

Good EJ (still not enough): “Business! Mankind was my business! Hear me! My time is nearly gone.”

Evil EJ (with contempt): “Thank goodness.”

Good EJ (reading): “How it is that I appear before you in a shape that you can see, I may not tell. I have sat invisible beside you many and many a day.”

Evil EJ (with contempt): “Pervert.”

Good EJ (too quickly): “That is no light part of my penance. I am here tonight to warn you that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring. You will be haunted by three spirits. Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the path I tread. Expect the first later tonight when the bell tolls one.”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “How about I take them all at once and get this over with?”

Carpe (flatly): “No one’s getting out of this early.”

Good EJ (lacking flourish): “"Look to see me no more, and look that, for your own sake, you remember what has passed between us!”

Attempting a dramatic exit, Good EJ runs off. At the surprised shout a few moments later, Evil EJ closes his eyes and sighs as Good EJ trips down the stairs.

Carpe (seriously): “And being, from the emotion he had undergone, or the fatigues of the day, or his glimpse of the Invisible World, or the dull conversation of the ghost, or the lateness of the hour, much in need of repose, Evil EJ went straight to bed without undressing, and fell asleep upon the instant.”

Evil EJ (defiantly standing in place): “No, he didn’t.”

Carpe (giving in): “Fine.