Lucas’ Job Search Continues

The back office of the Salem KFC

Manager (behind her desk): “That’s all I have for this part of the interview. Do you have any questions for me?”

Lucas (sitting in front of her): “Nope. I just wanted to say that I know you guys turned me down before, so I really appreciate you giving me a real chance this time.”

Manager (musing): “Well, we always have new opportunities coming up.”

Lucas (excitedly): “The fifth time’s the charm, right? I really tried to impress you guys this time. I didn’t go overboard on the paperwork, did I?”

Manager (uneasily): “Oh, no, I thought the crayon was a nice touch.”

Lucas: “Yeah, I put a lot of thought into it.” *standing up and shaking hands with the Manager* “Thanks for the opportunity.”

Manager: “Thank you. We’ll let you know by the end of the week. And in any case, I’ll see you shortly after opening, as usual.”

Lucas (looking back as he leaves): “You betcha!” *making a loopy hand motion* “Gotta have my extra crispy!”

The Manager sits down and watches Lucas leave before calling the first reference on Lucas’ application.

Voice (picking up his cell phone): “EJ Wells.”

Manager: “Hello, this is Andrea Bauer from the Salem KFC. I’m the store manager here, and I was wondering if you might have a few minutes so I could talk to you about one of your former employees, a Mr. Lucas Horton?

EJ (surprised): “You’re kidding.”

Manager (nicely): “No, he’s interviewing for a position with us, and I’m interested to hear what you have to say about him.”

EJ (intrigued): “If you don’t mind me asking, miss, what kind of position is he up for?”

Manager (nicely): “Assistant Night Manager.”

EJ: “Isn’t there a box on that sort of application that asks ‘Please do not contact this employer?’”

Manager (looking closely): “There is, but it doesn’t appear to have been checked.”

EJ (snickering): “Lucas, you idiot.” (louder) “Just making certain. I’d love to talk to you about Mr. Horton’s prior employment.”

Manager: “Excellent. What was Mr. Horton’s position at Mythic Communications?”

EJ: “His formal title was Assistant Project Manager.”

Manager: “And what exactly did his duties entail?

EJ: “Well, the project manager portion was more of an honorary title. What Mr. Horton actually did was administrative office work, mostly answering phones, scheduling meetings, and putting together PowerPoint presentations.”

Manager: “And how did Mr. Horton perform those duties?”

EJ: “Quite poorly, particularly how he kept printing out generic Excel templates from Microsoft.com and trying to pass them off as our EBIT.”

Manager: “Strengths?”

EJ (firmly): “None.”

Manager: “Weaknesses?”

EJ: “Pretty much anything you can think of, really. Getting his tie caught in the fax machine, calling sex lines on his speakerphone, being unable to distinguish the difference between carbon copy and blind carbon copy emails, shopping online for face paint on company time, sending packages to his mother’s house instead of the office…shall I go on?”

Manager (taking notes): “Please do.”

EJ: “He also became fearful of our supply closet when someone started a rumor of a bat living inside of it. He locked himself inside of his office and refused to come out until I called Animal Control and had them assure him that it was just a shadow made by some of the boxes.”

Manager: “Is there anything else I should know about Mr. Horton?”

EJ (offhandly): “There is more one thing. I’m sure that you’ve seen in the media that Mythic has been investigated by the SEC, but what you probably don’t know is that Mr. Horton is the one who made the report. I know that KFC has had issues in the past with certain disgruntled groups such as animal rights activists impugning on your business, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want another situation like that to play out again in public.”

Manager (strongly concerned): “Hmm. Well, I believe that’s all I have. I’m glad I spoke to you, Mr. Wells. It’s been interesting. Thank you for your time.”

EJ (smiling broadly): “You’re welcome. It’s been my pleasure.”