Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Long Live The Dark Side

So we made the Soap Opera Digest's Insider email mailing again:

The original:

that I designed for our pro-Evil Ejami postcard campaign.

The blurb that goes along with it is "Naughty fans mailed in 'be evil with me' cards for Sami and EJ. That entertains me." Seriously? "Naughty" fans? Try smart ones. Don't patronize me, SOD. It's 2008. People are ready to love evil couples. Just ask Chuck and Blair on Gossip Girl.

Anyway, as usual, I didn't do any actual work, and all the thanks should go to UHcougar for ordering them and everyone who sent them in.

Ejami Christmas Solidarity Banner

Miss Ejami this Christmas season? Feel free to use my banner wherever you'd like.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Ejamiland Snubbed

The internet's 11 worst blogs revealed.

Next year, kiddies. Next year.

What I'd Like For Christmas

A mysterious stranger kidnaps Sami from the safehouse, and when she's forced into his car, she sees Johnny and Ali in the backseat. She then turns to the man besides her in the driver's seat and calls out his name as he removes his ski mask. EJ grins at her indignation as he starts the vehicle and winks as he says, "I thought we'd take a family vacation, sweetheart. I hear Florida is quite nice this time of year."

Product Placement I Can Support

Ejami is cuddling on their couch in front of their Christmas tree.

Sami: "By the way, EJ, what gun did you use to kill Nicole again?"

EJ takes his gun out of his holster.

EJ: "Well, Samantha, this is the new Klobb P47 with 0.9mm armor piercing rounds. Perfect for when you want your target to not only be eliminated but to die slowly on their way out."

History Is Written By The Victors

Having stymied his author, Evil EJ waits for her to continue.

Carpe (improvising): “Suddenly not tired, Evil EJ stood in place as he listened for the hour.”


Evil EJ (shaking his head): “Now that’s just sad.”

Carpe (defensive): “I needed a transition.”

Carpe (continuing): “Evil EJ stood in this state until the chime had gone three quarters more when he remembered on a sudden that the ghost had warned him of a visitation when the bell tolled one.”

Evil EJ (triumphantly): “The hour itself, and nothing else!”

A being shimmers into place before Evil EJ.

Carpe (narrating): “It was a strange figure. For, as its belt sparkled and glittered, now in one part and now in another, and what was light one instant at another time was dark, so the figure itself fluctuated in its distinctness. And, in the very wonder of this, it would be itself again; distinct and clear as ever.”

Evil EJ (questioning): “Are you the spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?”

Hero EJ (answering): “I am!”

Carpe (adding detail): “The voice was soft and gentle.”

Evil EJ (another question): “Who and what are you?”

Hero EJ (pompously): “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

At this declaration, Evil EJ walks over to Hero EJ and puts his arm around his shoulders.

Evil EJ (seriously): “I must say, Hero EJ, I’m very proud of you. Gender reassignment surgery is such a courageous choice, and-”

Infuriated at the insinuation, Hero EJ grabs Evil EJ’s arm, twists him upside down, and flings him across the room. Evil EJ hits the opposing wall with a loud thud and rests on the floor for a moment as he winces in pain.

Evil EJ (not happy): “What happened to home field advantage?”

Carpe (informatively): “Just because the house heavily favors you doesn’t mean you’re going to win every bet.”

Hero EJ (smirking): “Your reclamation has arrived.”

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “I’ll reclamate someone, all right.”

On guard, Evil EJ pulls himself into a sitting position.

Evil EJ (eyeing Hero EJ as he speaks): “You are here for the long past?”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “No. Your past.”

Hero EJ walks over to Evil EJ and offers his hand.

Hero EJ (smiling): “Shall we, sunshine?”

Evil EJ (not taking it as he gets up): “Indeed.”

Hero EJ uses his Ghost of Christmas Past powers to bring himself and Evil EJ into the past, arriving at a lake at a very familiar summer resort.

Hero EJ (explaining): “These are but shadows of the things that have been. They have no consciousness of us.”

Evil EJ (not trusting him): “Says the man dressed as Legolas’ sexually confused twin brother.”

Both Hero EJ and Evil EJ watch as Stefano tries to push away a younger version of themselves dressed in swim trunks as he clings to his father for dear life.

Toddler EJ (afraid): “No, father.”

Stefano (insistent): “Yes, Elvis.”

Toddler EJ (shaking his head): “No.”

Stefano (not patient): “Elvis, let go of my hand. You know what happens when you defy me.”

Toddler EJ (not obeying): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (showing his reasoning): “This is an important part of your training. The water can hurt you, my son, but you have to embrace your fear in order to conquer it.”

Toddler EJ (up to his neck in water): “No. I don’t want to, father.”

Stefano (firmly): “It doesn’t matter what you want. Now, Elvis, I want you to let go of my hand.”

Toddler EJ (terrified of the waves lapping at him): “No.”

Stefano looks at his son for a moment before forcefully removing his hand from his offspring’s, grabbing him by the back of the neck, and plunging him face first into the water.

Hero EJ (covering his eyes at the sight): “I can’t watch. It’s too painful.”

Evil EJ (more uncomfortable than he’d like): “Subtle is not our lethargic author’s strong suit, eh?”

Hero EJ (refusing to peek through his fingers): “Oh, I really don’t want to remember any of this.”

Evil EJ (clenching his jaw): “I’m betting this is it as she won’t want to give away anything else that she can use in Damaged if she ever gets around to finishing it.”

Carpe (ready to move on): “When, not if, and yes, this isn’t the place for that.”

Exhaling in relief, Hero EJ brings himself and Evil EJ forward in the timeline to a certain apartment hallway.

Flashback Sami (liking what she’s seeing): “And you are?

Flashback EJ (extending his hand): “I’m EJ.”

Flashback Sami (taking it and pulling him close to her): “I’m Sami…and I’m yours.”

Flashback EJ (wrapping his arm around her waist): “You should know I’m a DiMera.”

Flashback Sami (moving her lips towards his): “Even better.”

As Flashback Ejami kisses, Hero EJ looks over at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (grinning): “Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday.”

Hero EJ (flatly): “That’s not what happened.”

Evil EJ (mock confusion): “It’s not?”

The scene shifts as Hero EJ and Evil EJ move forward in time.

Flashback Sami (holding his hand): “This is lovely, EJ. Who knew Paris was so beautiful at Christmas?”

Flashback EJ (smirking): “I might have had some indication the City of Lights had something to offer you this time of year, darling.”

Flashback Sami (corner of her mouth turning up): “I’ll bet.”

Flashback EJ (grinning as he looks at her): “I’m always thinking of you.”

Flashback Sami (smiling back): “You are, aren’t you?”

Still holding her hand, Flashback EJ takes a step back and gets down on one knee as Flashback Sami watches in surprise.

Flashback EJ (sincerely): “Yes, sweetheart. Samantha…you’re the only woman in the world who could have made me into the man I am today.”

Flashback EJ deftly slips a ring onto Flashback Sami’s finger.

Flashback EJ (softly as he looks into her eyes): “Will you marry me?”

Flashback Sami stares at Flashback EJ for a moment.

Flashback Sami (grabbing onto him): “YES!!!”

Flashback EJ (holding her tight as he closes his eyes): “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Hero EJ rolls his eyes at Evil EJ as Flashback Ejami hugs.

Evil EJ (pretending to dab his eyes with his handkerchief): “It’s just…so beautiful.”

Hero EJ (annoyed): “That didn’t happen either!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Oh, come now, do you really want to relive our actual history on this show? The illustriously idiotic events we’ve been a party to? The ‘rape?’ The cabin or freezer incidents? All the other insulting plotting? This is what should have happened, and you know it.”

Hero EJ (admitting): “Well, you have me there. But even with all that, everything was wonderful was until you decided to dump Sami for Nicole.”

Evil EJ (crossing his arms): “I did nothing of the sort. That walking corpse did.”

Hero EJ (hurt): “I told you these were shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me!”

Evil EJ (ice cold): “I don’t. I hold the writers responsible.”

Hero EJ and Evil EJ come upon Zombie Dallas EJ and Nicole in sitting on a bench in Salem Park after a recent snowfall. Nicole is tugging on Zombie Dallas EJ’s coat sleeve while he is trying to speak to her.

Zombie Dallas EJ (seriously): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “You always tell me how smart I am, EJ. I know, I’m so great! That’s why I get all the screentime on the show. Everyone loves me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (trying again): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “Yes, I know, baby cakes, I’m so intelligent. That’s one of the many things people adore about me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (making pouty face): “Brain?”

Nicole (talking): “The ratings and demographics are just wrong! Fortunately TPTB know how fantastic I am and write for me all the time. People need to have me on five days a week and in every single storyline always!”

Aghast at the sickening display, Evil EJ rolls his eyes while Hero EJ shifts uncomfortably.

Zombie Dallas EJ (trouble holding back): “Brain!”

Nicole (still talking): “Yes, yes, I’m such a good girl! There’s never been such a breathtaking woman like me on the show, especially not Sa-”

Nicole’s words are cut short as blood abruptly appears in the middle of her forehead, and her body falls backward onto the bench. Surprised, Hero EJ turns to his side to see Evil EJ lower his right arm, his hand holding his gun complete with silencer that has just been used to permanently quiet Nicole.

Hero EJ (looking upward as he raises his hands in the air): “Oh, COME ON!”

There is a faint sound akin to muffled snickering.

Evil EJ (mock apologetically to Hero EJ): “I’m sorry-did you want to kill her?”

Seeing Nicole’s skull cracked open and its contents spread all over the bench and the snow drift behind it, Zombie Dallas EJ looks hopefully at Evil EJ.

Zombie Dallas EJ (excitedly): “Brain?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Certainly. It’s not as if she was using it. But you get any of that on either of us, the next one will be for you.”

Zombie Dallas EJ (ecstatic): “BRAIN!!!!”

As Zombie Dallas EJ munches on Nicole’s corpse, Evil EJ confronts Hero EJ.

Evil EJ (insulted): “You chose Nicole for Belle?!”

Hero EJ (stating the obvious): “Who else would it have been? Kate? She couldn’t be Samantha since Scrooge doesn’t end up with Belle.”

Evil EJ (still not satisfied): “Belle is supposed to be Scrooge’s soulmate. How dare you defile our love for our Samantha!”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No more than the show has with all its Ejole pimping. And Belle, well…she’s a spiteful, ungrateful woman. I mean, she dumps Scrooge for not buying them a house to live in as a couple when he’s just being fiscally responsible. And all that ‘you used to love me’ passive aggressive baiting of him. It’s pathetic.”

Evil EJ (considering Hero EJ): “Yes, she is quite the insipid twit. I admit I’m surprised we agree on this, elf boy. Perhaps you aren’t so hopeless, after all.”

Evil EJ (looking upward): “And no, that wasn’t an invitation to link to that maudlin ‘When Love Is Gone’ song. There’s a reason Disney left that out of the widescreen DVD release.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I wouldn’t dare. Way too bitter. I have something else in mind.”


And they’re coming through the door
And up through the floor
And it comes to me
That zombies can’t dance

Evil EJ (grinning): “How delightfully inappropriate.”

Hero EJ (considering): “I wonder how factually accurate that song is.”

Evil EJ (interest piqued): “Let’s find out, shall we?”

Zombie Dallas EJ looks up from his meal as Evil EJ gestures with his gun slightly.

Evil EJ (matter of fact): “That wasn’t a request.”

Taking the overt hint, Zombie Dallas EJ moves away from Nicole’s half-eaten body and begins a routine as he’s joined by numerous extras.


And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller

Hero EJ (cringing): “Is that really dancing?”

Evil EJ (pointing): “Bring on the control group!”


All eyes on me
In the center of the ring
Just like a circus
Get a real tight grip
Everybody don’t trip
Just like a circus

After the flourish of the song, both real EJs are left unimpressed.

Hero EJ (dismayed): “Apparently so.”

Evil EJ (gritting his teeth): “We are not settling for this.”


Both Evil EJ and Hero EJ smile as Flashback Sami rests in Flashback EJ’s arms at the conclusion of their dancing.

Hero EJ (sighing): “The tango and the abandoned house dancing were lovely.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Indeed. We fit together with Samantha perfectly.”

Evil EJ (digging): “You do know that is your worst montage, don’t you? I’m shocked you didn’t break the internet in half with the sped up clips.”

Carpe (irritated): “It’s also my first. And if the show stopped being conceited and started being entertaining again, I’d make some more with the new material.”

Having explored Evil EJ’s past, Hero EJ returns himself and Evil EJ to Evil EJ’s room at the DiMera mansion in the present timeline.

Hero EJ (trying to be nice): “Well, our trip through your past is complete. It was…interesting. And of course you learned absolutely nothing, I suppose.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Are you leaving?”

Hero EJ (nodding as he yawns): “Yes. My time grows short.”

Taking advantage of his companion’s relaxation, Evil EJ suddenly raises his gun and fires at Hero EJ. Completely shocked, Hero EJ activates his Ghost of Christmas Past powers and disappears before the bullet can hit him, leaving the shot to move through empty air before lodging in the wall. Disappointed, Evil EJ stares at the impact point for several seconds and then reluctantly reholsters his weapon.

Evil EJ (frustrated): “Not even in a parody.”

So Close Yet So Far

Carpe (thinking): “So where were we?”

Evil EJ (snidely): “If that doesn’t inspire confidence in the narrative, I don’t know what will.”

Carpe (ignoring him): “At length the end of the day arrived. With an ill-will Evil EJ left his business and took his melancholy dinner in his usual melancholy tavern, the Brady Pub. Having read the good parts of the newspapers including USA Today’s hilariously unintentionally poor Friday movie reviews, he went home. He lived in chambers that were a gloomy suite of rooms, old enough now and dreary enough. Just as Evil EJ was about to open the mansion’s front door, he saw it.”

Carpe (continuing): “Marley's face. It was not in impenetrable shadow, but had a dismal light about it. It was not angry or ferocious. The hair was curiously stirred, as if by breath of hot air; and, though the eyes were wide open, they were perfectly motionless. That, and its livid color, made it horrible; but its horror seemed to be in spite of the face, and beyond its control, rather than a part of its own expression.”

Evil EJ (unafraid): “That’s it?”

Carpe (continuing): “As Evil EJ looked fixedly at this phenomenon, it was a knocker again. In Evil EJ went, not caring a button for that. Darkness is cheap, and Evil EJ liked it. But before he went up to his room, he walked through the rooms closest to him. Bathroom, bedroom, sitting room. All as they should be. Quite satisfied, he went upstairs, entered his room, closed his door, and sat down before the fireplace when he suddenly heard a low moaning sound.”

Evil EJ (getting up again): “Humbug!”

The moaning is now accompanied by faint chiming.

Evil EJ (walking across the room): “It's humbug still. I won't believe it.”

Evil EJ listens as both the moaning and chiming increase in volume.


For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls

Evil EJ (deadpan): “Ah, yes, the obligatory Metallica reference. Perhaps you would like to waste several moments gushing over their four Grammy nominations, eh?”

Carpe (defensive): “Would you rather listen to ‘Carol of the Bells’?”

Evil EJ (firmly): “If you’re wasting time plugging your musical obsession, then I’m done playing around.”

The decision made, Evil EJ opens one of his numerous weapon lockers and suits up for supernatural combat.


Ready for anything, Evil EJ leaves his room. Searching for the source of the noise, he sweeps the interior of the mansion and takes out several minor apparitions with his combat shotgun before running into a familiar figure.

Evil EJ (surprised): “Father.”

Stefano (seeing what the noise was): “Elvis, what in the devil’s name are you doing up at this hour wandering the halls like some sort of crazed ninja?”

Evil EJ (sheepishly): “I’m…I’m hunting a ghost, father.”

Stefano looks at his son.

Stefano (raising an eyebrow): “Sawed off shotgun loaded with rock salt?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Handgun with anti-electromagnetic rounds?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Backup dagger with iron hilt?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Lighter and matches?

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Waterproof and regular.”

Stefano (continuing): “Ectoplasm resistant clothing and crucifix?”

Evil EJ pulls down the collar of his black fleece zip-up to show the cross around his neck.

Stefano (so far so good): “Copy of ‘Exorcisms and Certain Supplications?’”

Evil EJ (proudly): “English and Latin editions. Both memorized.”

Stefano (last item): “‘Encyclopedia of Spirits’ in the original translation?”

Evil EJ thinks for a moment.

Evil EJ (angry at himself): “Dammit, I knew I forgot something.”

Stefano (disappointed): “Elvis, what did I train you for if you cannot even remember the simplest of preparations when confronting otherworldly phenomena?”

Stefano moves over to a nearby bookcase, presses a button, and retrieves a copy of the reference from a stack of books tucked away behind a hidden panel.

Evil EJ (bowing after he accepts the book): “Sumimasen, otousan.”

Stefano (going back to bed): “Konbanwa, Elvis-chan.”

Evil EJ watches his father leave and then resumes his hunt for the source of the moaning and chiming. After several more minutes of searching, he sees a shadowy figure as he rounds a corner. Body tensed, Evil EJ hides behind the edge of the wall and readies his shot as the being moves towards him.


I shot the sheriff
But I swear it was in self-defense
If I am guilty
I will pay

Stupid Voice (bad Jamaican accent): “Don’t be hating, mon!”

Dumfounded, Evil EJ lowers his shotgun as he looks at Good EJ walk up to him wearing fake dreadlocks and a white ‘Visit Jamaica’ t-shirt.

Good EJ (even worse): “Take it easy!”

Evil EJ stares at Good EJ in shock as he holsters his shotgun on his back.

Evil EJ (flabbergasted): “Good EJ, just who exactly do you think you are pretending to be?”

Good EJ smiles at Evil EJ.

Good EJ (plainly as he drops character): “Bob Marley. Your late business partner.”

Aghast at his shiny counterpart’s idiocy, Evil EJ sighs audibly. He then takes off his combat backpack and rummages in it for a copy of the script. Moving over to Good EJ, Evil EJ flips to the second chapter and shows Good EJ the error of his ways.

Evil EJ (pointing): “Jacob Marley. Not Bob Marley, Rainbow Brite.”

Good EJ (taking off his wig): “Ohhhhhh. My mistake.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “You thought nothing of a Rastafarian in the 1840s?”

Good EJ (honestly): “Why not? We live in a very diverse society.”

Evil EJ (irritated): “Heaven forbid you actually read the script and not just glance at it during the commercial breaks of 'Ellen.'”


Good EJ smiles apologetically, and Evil EJ’s eyes widen as he realizes as his wisecrack was correct.

Good EJ (backing up slowly): “But Dennis Quaid was on, and it was really funny. You see, there was a hidden camera, and he went into Starbucks and he was really obnoxiousness saying ‘I am Dennis Quaid-I was nominated for a Golden Globe’ and-”


His patience run out, Evil EJ abruptly pistol whips Good EJ and then reholsters his weapon as he chokes his lighter doppelganger.

Good EJ (unable to break Evil EJ’s hold): “I’m sorry, Evil EJ! I’m sorry! Please stop hurting me!”

Evil EJ (darkly): “I haven’t begun hurting you, you pathetic waste of flesh.”

Carpe (breaking in): “Ah, yes, the beloved part of the classic story where Ebenezer Scrooge strangles the ghost of his old business partner-OH WAIT.”

At the interruption, Evil EJ stops choking Good EJ.

Carpe (reluctant): “As much as this personally amuses me, you’re avoiding the plot.”

Evil EJ (challenging): “You can’t actually expect Sugar Bumps here to genuinely frighten me.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I’ll settle for mild indifference. Now get back on track.”

Reluctantly stepping away from Good EJ, Evil EJ crosses his arms and begins.

Evil EJ (seething): “How now? What do you want with me?”

Taking Evil EJ’s copy of the script off the floor, Good EJ frantically flips through it attempting to find his lines.

Evil EJ (taking the opportunity to skip ahead): “Dreadful apparition, why do you trouble me?”

Good EJ (reading directly from the script): “It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow men, and, if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world-oh, woe is me!-and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth and turned to happiness!”

Carpe (seriously): “The spectre raised a cry and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands.”

Lacking the proper prop, Good EJ just shrugs.

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “You are fettered. Tell me why?”

Good EJ (apologetically): “I wear the chain I forged in life…well, um, metaphorically, I guess.”

Evil EJ (flatly): “Indeed. Jacob! Old Jacob Marley, tell me more! Speak comfort to me, Jacob!”


Good EJ smiles reassuringly at Evil EJ and moves towards him.

Good EJ (reaching over to hug Evil EJ): “It’s okay, Evil EJ. We’re just pretending. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Evil EJ (sneering as he pushes Good EJ away): “I’m not actually afraid, you indolent imbecile!”

Good EJ (feelings hurt): “Oh. Um, I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot linger anywhere as weary journeys lie before me!”

Carpe (seriously): “The ghost set up another cry, and clanked its chain so hideously in the dead silence of the night, that the ward would have been justified in indicting it for a nuisance.”

Good EJ (not really putting enough emotion into it): “Oh, captive, bound, and double-ironed! Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities misused! Yet such was I! Oh, such was I!”

Evil EJ (sarcastically): “But you were always a good man of business, Jacob. And annoyingly so.”

Good EJ (still not enough): “Business! Mankind was my business! Hear me! My time is nearly gone.”

Evil EJ (with contempt): “Thank goodness.”

Good EJ (reading): “How it is that I appear before you in a shape that you can see, I may not tell. I have sat invisible beside you many and many a day.”

Evil EJ (with contempt): “Pervert.”

Good EJ (too quickly): “That is no light part of my penance. I am here tonight to warn you that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring. You will be haunted by three spirits. Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the path I tread. Expect the first later tonight when the bell tolls one.”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “How about I take them all at once and get this over with?”

Carpe (flatly): “No one’s getting out of this early.”

Good EJ (lacking flourish): “"Look to see me no more, and look that, for your own sake, you remember what has passed between us!”

Attempting a dramatic exit, Good EJ runs off. At the surprised shout a few moments later, Evil EJ closes his eyes and sighs as Good EJ trips down the stairs.

Carpe (seriously): “And being, from the emotion he had undergone, or the fatigues of the day, or his glimpse of the Invisible World, or the dull conversation of the ghost, or the lateness of the hour, much in need of repose, Evil EJ went straight to bed without undressing, and fell asleep upon the instant.”

Evil EJ (defiantly standing in place): “No, he didn’t.”

Carpe (giving in): “Fine.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Thank You for Caring!

You know, it always amazes me that people actually read this thing. Thank you very much for all your support over on the other side of the blog in the chat box. I appreciate the encouragement.

Anyway, no, I haven't given up. I'm not happy about the enforced Ejami break here, but I am willing to wait it out until March sweeps or whenever the show pulls its head out of its ass. Accordingly, I haven't watched anything on the show lately. So while I've added some new writing, I will have to catch up before I can review anything. I'll try to cobble something together out of the Stefano and EJ scenes if nothing else.

Thanks again!

The Inevitable Fallout

In one of the DiMansion’s many living rooms, Hero EJ comforts Robo EJ who is completely distraught over the loss of his child.

Robo EJ (heartbroken): “NO, ROBO BABY! NO! OH NO!”

Hero EJ (patting his shoulder): “I’m so sorry, Robo EJ.”

Robo EJ (throwing up his hands): “WHY THIS HAPPEN?!”

Hero EJ (sadly): “I don’t know for certain, but I can only assume the excess liquor ate away at Robo Baby’s developing exoskeleton.”

Robo EJ (disbelieving): “ROBO BABY INNOCENT!”

Hero EJ (trying to soften the blow): “Alas, most didn’t see it that way. Both the writing and the audience saw Robo Baby as the tie between us and Nicole…so that connection had to be severed.”

Robo EJ (lip quivering): “IT ALL ROBO EJ FAULT!”

Hero EJ (firmly): “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s Nicole’s for drinking so much, refusing to see a doctor, and pretending that everything was okay.”

Robo EJ (berating himself): “ROBO EJ CHOOSE POORLY! NICOLE BAD MOMMY!”

Hero EJ (unable to disagree with that point): “Yes, unfortunately, she was. I’m certain that ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ doesn’t recommend to sit down when you’re bleeding and call your ex-boyfriend instead of 911.”

Sinister Voice (savoring it): “Indeed. What proof would you say her amniotic fluid was? 80? No, probably more like 120.”

Hero EJ and Robo EJ look to see Evil EJ stride slowly into the room.

Hero EJ (accusing): “You knew. That’s why you didn’t do anything to Robo EJ after Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha brought him to you. You knew the show would punish him for you. You knew this would happen.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I’m sure that the Mars landers knew this was going to happen. Can’t have an Ejole baby with Ejami rooting couple now, can we?”

Hero EJ (disgusted): “And like the snake you are, you’re here to pour salt on the wound.”

Evil EJ smirks at Hero EJ.

Evil EJ (challenging): “Now, now. Such a small mind. Having been invigorated from a lovely tryst with my fair Samantha just now, I’m thinking more like lighter fluid.”

Hero EJ (getting up): “Not this time. I’m not going to let you.”

Evil EJ (amused): “As if I need your permission.”

Not in the mood for Evil EJ’s lack of decorum, Hero EJ grabs Evil EJ and slams him against the nearest wall. He then considers Evil EJ carefully when his opponent makes no move to retaliate.

Evil EJ (calmly): “Careful, avatar. Don’t want to break your manicure.”

Evil EJ (to Robo EJ): “You may be an overgrown toaster, but I was rather impressed with your initiative in going behind both of our backs and altering your programming yourself. Perhaps if you had asked for our assistance and took advantage of our expertise you would have gotten the ending you desired, eh?”

Robo EJ bursts into tears and sobs uncontrollably at the thought that he did not do everything he could to protect his child. Irate, Hero EJ glares at Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (furiously pointing): “That’s it. Your glib attitude is beyond inappropriate at a time like this.”

Evil EJ (continuing): “I had no idea you wanted to be a father so badly.”

Robo EJ (inconsolable): “NOW NEVER WILL!”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Oh, I wouldn’t say that.”

About to smack Evil EJ’s head against the wall, Hero EJ stops for a second as Evil EJ doesn’t flinch and only stares serenely back at him.

Calm Voice (nicely): “Someone would like to meet you, Robo EJ.”

Gray EJ walks into the room holding a newborn baby wearing a metal hat and wrapped in a metallic blanket.

Robo EJ (in shock): “WHA?!!”

Evil EJ (smugly): “Congratulations, Robo EJ. It’s a boy. You’re a father.”

Robo Baby: “BALAH1010101!”

Robo EJ (overjoyed): “ERNIE!!!”

Happy to see his daddy for the first time, Baby Ernie giggles.

Gray EJ (handing him over to Robo EJ): “Careful. The steel is still hardening in places.”

Robo EJ (now crying happy tears): “YOU OKAY! YOU OKAY!!!”

As Robo EJ takes Baby Ernie into his arms, Gray EJ smiles, and Hero EJ unhands Evil EJ and stares at him incredulously.

Hero EJ (jaw dropping): “What in the hell is wrong with you?!!”

Evil EJ (lighting up): “What isn’t?”

Hero EJ (flabbergasted): “You depraved worm! You made Robo EJ a zombie baby?!!”

Evil EJ (genuinely insulted): “I wouldn’t give that walking corpse the time of day much less his own decaying offspring. Robo Baby never died-he was cryogenically frozen the very instant it was possible to do so. What else do I pay my minions for? Young Ernie is one hundred percent the child Nicole was carrying.”

Gray EJ stares at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (admitting as he crosses his arms): “All right, more like 47.6%, but between the incomplete human-cyborg fusion and the alcohol damage we had quite a few gaps to fill.”

Hero EJ (wondering): “How did you manage this without me?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Oh, someone thinks he’s important. Gray EJ here more than made up for your insignificant contribution to my work. What he lacks in probability alteration he more than makes up for in moral ambiguity.”

Hero EJ (forcefully): “And between the two of you there was no one there to point out the problem with trying to play God.”

Evil EJ (darkly): “Who’s trying? I don’t try anything. I just do it.”

Gray EJ (stepping between them): “Okay, calm down, you two. There’s a baby in the room. The bottom line is that this story should have never been greenlit in the first place.”

Evil EJ (seriously): “Precisely. Women watch soaps for escapist fantasy, and a miscarriage is a tragedy. It’s an experience that none of them wish to relive, so highlighting one on this show is exceedingly cruel.”

Hero EJ (warily): “All true, but that doesn’t give you the right to do anything to Robo Baby.”

Evil EJ (unconcerned): “Why not? We compensated for the blood loss, removed all the alcohol damage, appropriately SORASed him, and conducted beta testing with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha playing with him in a supervised environment. We even removed all of Nicole’s worthless genes and substituted a cyborg-phillic variant of Samantha’s DNA instead, with her freely given consent of course.”

Hero EJ (surprised at Evil EJ’s foresight): “Really?”

Evil EJ (secure in his brilliance): “Ask her yourself when you go back to stand vigil on her and her idiot handler.”

Unsure, Hero EJ looks at Gray EJ for confirmation.

Gray EJ (nodding): “He’s telling the truth. I wouldn’t have agreed to help otherwise.”

Still not convinced, Hero EJ watches Robo EJ hold Baby Ernie.

Evil EJ (silver tongue): “See how happy he is? How can you deny him that over some middling concerns about opening a forbidden path to a brave new world?”

Gray EJ (agreeing from a different perspective): “I understand your concern, Hero EJ, but Robo EJ and Ernie shouldn’t have to pay for TPTB’s mistakes.”

Silent for several moments, Hero EJ’s opposition to the idea melts underneath the warmth from shared smiles between father and son.

Hero EJ (understanding): “You’re right. They didn’t do anything wrong.”

Evil EJ (scoffing): “Of course they didn’t. You and your ethics. Get off your high horse. This show had Jack donate his organs and still come back from the dead three times. What’s saving a cyborg baby from a plot point miscarriage?”

Hero EJ (suddenly considering): “This is probably much too late to bring this up, but wasn’t the Ejole baby a girl?”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look at each other. After a moment, Gray EJ shrugs.

Gray EJ (sheepishly): “Beats me. I tried to ask Zombie Dallas EJ about the baby several times, but all I got was him drooling over Nicole and mumbling about not finding any brains to eat.”

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “Due to his less than optimal fetal environment, we had to manually resequence all of Ernie’s DNA, and what remained was male. Regardless, there is no way I would let a member of our family be named after the maid from The Jetsons.”

Suddenly Good EJ and Evil Crazy EJ enter the room. Good EJ is loaded down with a cake, various beverages, and balloons. Evil Crazy EJ is carrying his Samantha doll and a small plastic bag. Both are dressed in party attire with Evil Crazy EJ in a crisp sky blue button down shirt and khakis and Samantha in a cheery pink ruffled dress.

Hero EJ (wondering): “What’s this?”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “Hello, Hero EJ! It is the Robo EJ is a daddy, and Baby Ernie is alive party! We are very happy that Evil EJ and Gray EJ made everything turn out okay!”

Setting everything down on the nearby coffee table, Good EJ looks at Evil Crazy EJ. Evil Crazy EJ glares at him threateningly and points to his Samantha doll.

Good EJ (rehearsed): “I am very happy that Baby Ernie is okay and has been returned to Robo EJ. Let me go get the rest of the party materials.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, Good EJ knows to stay on his best behavior now that we have very nicely let him out of his cage for the party, or he will suffer the consequences.”

While Robo EJ quietly continues to bond with Baby Ernie, Evil Crazy EJ opens his plastic bag and removes its contents.

Evil Crazy EJ (handing them out): “Samantha made party hats for everyone! Baby Ernie too!”

Hero EJ (happily putting on his hat): “Wow, these are great! Thank you, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. You outdid yourselves.”

Evil EJ (smiling in spite of himself): “I think so too.”

Evil Crazy EJ (proud of his wife): “I third the opinion!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing her on the cheek): “Yes, you are better than Martha Stewart!”

Unimpressed, Gray EJ refuses to put on his gray party hat and snickers as Evil EJ nonchalantly dons his black one.

Gray EJ (smiling at the sight): “You look ridiculous.”

Evil EJ merely watches as Evil Crazy EJ moves quickly and punches Gray EJ in the face.

Evil Crazy EJ (adamant): “Samantha spent hours on these in order to make them the best party hats in the history of existence, and she thinks Evil EJ looks very nice. And she says Gray EJ will put on his party hat if he would like to keep his spleen because she will not let him ruin Robo EJ and Baby Ernie’s party!”

Gray EJ (hastily putting on his hat): “Oo-o-okay…”

Reeling from the blow, Gray EJ tries to hold his head back. Amused, Evil EJ offers him his handkerchief.

Evil EJ (savoring the moment): “Do I?”

As Hero EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha set out the beverages and decorations, Evil EJ helps himself to a piece of cake and stands where Gray EJ can still see him as he attempts to stop his nosebleed. Evil EJ taunts Gray EJ by eating his cake as slowly as possible, including licking the frosting off his fork.

Evil EJ (devilishly): “Delightful.”

Seething, Gray EJ glares at him.

Evil EJ (discarding his empty plate on the floor and surveying the available drinks): “Quite the assortment of carbonated beverages, eh? Shall we have a toast?”

Hero EJ (concerned): “Shouldn’t we wait for Good EJ to get back?”

Evil Crazy EJ (disagreeing): “There are lots of presents! It will take too long to wait for Pansy EJ to come back with all of them!”

Evil EJ (concurring): “As if we need to include Princess anyway.”

Robo EJ, Hero EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ all take a can off the table. Finally stopping the bleeding, Gray EJ faces forward again and puts the bloody handkerchief into his jean pocket as Evil EJ places a drink into his hand.

Evil EJ (commanding): “Gentlemen.”

Evil EJ raises his own soft drink and the rest of the EJs follow suit.

Evil EJ (gravely): “To gravitas.”

Robo EJ and Evil Crazy EJ repeat the phrase and open their beverages while Hero EJ and Gray EJ openly stare at a grinning Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (blankly): “You didn’t.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I most certainly did.”

Gray EJ (uncomprehendingly): “But he’s our-”

Evil EJ (interrupting): “He is. I only kid because I love.”

Misinterpreting the edge in his voice, Hero EJ and Gray EJ continue to look at Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (missing the point as he romantically shares his drink with his wife): “Samantha enjoyed the toast very much, Evil EJ, but she would like to know what that means.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Apparently it means equating our sacred relationship with our soulmate with that of an opportunistic tart. Who knew? I really must buy an updated thesaurus one of these days.”

His intuition alerting him, Hero EJ takes a look at the clock at the wall.

Hero EJ (reluctantly taking off his hat): “Well, I’d love to stay, but I really need to get going.”


Evil Crazy EJ (waving): “Goodbye, Hero EJ! We will save you some cake if Samantha is not very hungry later!”

Gray EJ (clasping Hero EJ’s shoulder): “Have fun, Hero EJ. Try not to get too bored watching Safe and checking in with the minions shadowing Ali.”

Evil EJ (adding): “The instant the plot allows me to move my daughter here, I will. In any case, make sure not to say hello to the Ninja Turtle for us.”

Hero EJ (correcting): “His name is Rafe.”

Evil EJ (ignoring him): “Yes, he favors red bandanas in addition to being a sai master and quite the cutup, I’ve heard.”

Hero EJ regards Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (letting it go): “You know, Evil EJ, you’re still a vile excuse for a human being.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Flattery will get you nowhere, valkyrie.”

Hero EJ (continuing): “But you really do have a heart. A black one akin to a bullet hole, but a heart nonetheless.”

Hero EJ (curious): “What gave you this idea?”

Evil EJ (honestly): “I wisely listened to my better half.”

Hero EJ glances at Robo EJ beaming as he holds his son.

Hero EJ (warmly): “I’m glad you did.”

Hero EJ leaves the room to guard Samantha and her unborn child while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha move over to Robo EJ and Baby Ernie.

Evil Crazy EJ (holding his wife up so she can see): “Samantha wants to say hi to Baby Ernie! She loves babies and wishes there was more of them on the show. She does not know why Steve and Kayla could not have both Baby Joe and Pocketman!”

Turning away from them, Gray EJ shakes his head at Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (sighing): “I can’t believe you joked about that.”

Evil EJ (sanguine): “Yet he can say we have no male anatomy? Cheer up, buttercup. Loyalty does not mean lockstep opinion.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “Of course I appreciate beyond words everything he’s ever done for us. And I wish him the best of luck with the upcoming astoundingly boring spoilers for the next month on the show. But that doesn’t mean everything he said is correct. Particularly about me not killing people.”

Gray EJ (not sold): “I suppose.”

Evil EJ (certain): “I know. Now go take a piece of cake before Evil Crazy EJ comes over and asks if Samantha can have the frosting.”

Gray EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Speaking of differing opinions, this wasn’t your idea, was it?”

Evil EJ (innocently): “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Gray EJ (thinking): “Once you found out Robo EJ disobeyed you and Hero EJ, you were hellbent on taking a blowtorch to him and melting him into slag. You don’t have a better half-your better half is Samantha. She’s the one who insisted on this.”

Evil EJ (not disagreeing): “Hormones. The oxycotin build up in pregnancy makes one seize on ideas that otherwise would have been dismissed.”

Gray EJ (finishing the puzzle): “And you want me to keep my mouth shut so you have leverage over Hero EJ.”

Evil EJ looks at Gray EJ before one side of his mouth curls into a smirk, and he puts his arm around his frequent companion.

Evil EJ (idly threatening): “You really are too smart for your own good. Fortunately for you, you answer to me.”

Gray EJ (deadpan): “You certainly know how to make me feel wanted.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “What are friends for?”

Because I Can’t Give You a New "EJ is Funny" Montage This Year


Woman’s Voice (disembodied): “Welcome to an Ejami Christmas Carol.”


And the worst of the worst
The most hated and cursed
Is the one that we call Elvis

Sinister Voice (very familiar): “I most certainly hope so.”

Outfitted in all black except for a blindingly white scarf to add a bit of panache, Elvis DiMera, otherwise known as Evil EJ, flairs his cape dramatically as he comes to a stop at a corner after walking down one of Salem’s snowcovered streets.

Carpe (narrating): “Marley was dead, to begin with.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “Ah, yes, Dickens’ annual classic. Because why insult just one property when you can rip off two?”

Carpe (ignoring him): “And thus Evil EJ was the sole proprietor of their once shared enterprise. He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Evil EJ! A squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, young sinner.”

Evil EJ (interrupting): “The reason she started this before December is because it’s going to be at least Valentine’s Day by the time she finishes the damn thing.”

Carpe (still ignoring): “Evil EJ liked the-”

Evil EJ (pressing the point): “Say, how is Damaged coming along?”

Carpe (defensive): “I’ll get to it! I’m busy!”

Evil EJ (mockingly): “‘Do I have him whine about his upbringing or cry this chapter? I just can’t decide.’”

Carpe (too loudly): “Evil EJ liked the cold. Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster.”

Evil EJ (correcting): “Except for his Samantha.”

Carpe (agreeing): “But of course. And today, as he did every day, he confidently strode to his place of business.”

Evil EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Yes, what exactly is it that I do here in pseudo-1843 Salem?”

Carpe (getting annoyed): “Turn around.”

Evil EJ spins around to see his business before him, Ye Olde Mythic Communications.

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Not funny.”

Evil EJ enters the large building and sees all of his employees already hard at work around the open style office.

Evil EJ (smiling): “Good Morning, maggots.”

Seeing that their boss has arrived, his employees hide and cower in fear.

Evil EJ (smiling): “What, no warm welcome? Remind me to torture you for that after the fiscal year ends.”

Lucas Horton, Evil EJ’s administrative assistant, comes over and hands him several files and papers.

Evil EJ (idly): “Yes, lapdog?”

Lucas (pointing out information): “Here’s the current quarter’s projections, the emails you need to respond to, and a new press release from one of our competitors. I’ve also highlighted the most important parts of the memos you need to approve.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “How surprisingly competent of you. Keep this up, and perhaps I might give you the occasional lunch break.”

A man enters the building as Lucas goes back to his desk.

Brady (cheerful): “A merry Christmas, cousin! God save you!”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Don’t remind me. Bah! Humbug!”

Brady (still cheerful): “Christmas a humbug, cousin? You don't mean that, I am sure.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “Quit calling me that, idiot. Merry Christmas? What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You're stupid enough.”

Brady (nicely): “What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You're smart enough.”

Evil EJ (intensely): “Who said I was depressed, you insolent junkie?”

Brady (ignoring the insult): “I’ve come to invite you to Christmas dinner.”

Evil EJ (wondering): “What Christmas dinner?”

Brady (shrugging): “Whatever one TPTB have me at.”

Evil EJ (factual): “You don’t really want me there.”

Brady (ignoring the insult): “Well, no, but since my father won’t be around on the show much longer, I figured I’d cut my losses.”

Evil EJ (considering): “Admirable. But pointless.”

Brady (kindly): “"I want nothing from you. I ask nothing of you. Why cannot we be friends?"

Evil EJ (stating the obvious): “You’re a moronic drug addict.”

Brady (waving as he gives up for now): “Perhaps, but the invitation is still open. So Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!”

Evil EJ (vehemently): “Bah! Humbug!”

As Brady leaves, another figure enters the building.


Evil EJ (annoyed): “You do.”


Evil EJ cringes at Robo EJ’s bad acting.

Evil EJ (reciting his line anyway): “Are there no prisons?”


Evil EJ (sighing): “And the Union workhouses? Are they still in operation?"

Robo EJ (still not following): “NO, ROBO EJ WANT CHRISTMAS DONATION!”

Evil EJ (closing his eyes for a moment): “The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigor, then?”


Evil EJ (opening his eyes): “Oh, I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course. I am very glad to hear it.”


Evil EJ (savoring the line): “Nothing!”


Evil EJ (getting angry): “I wish to be left alone, you moronic bucket of bolts. I don't make merry myself at Christmas, and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned-they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there."


Evil EJ (with relish): “If they would rather die, they had better do it and decrease the surplus population.”

Evil EJ takes out his gun and fingers the safety longingly.

Evil EJ (eyes lighting up): “Or I’ll do it myself.”

At the sight of Evil EJ’s firearm, Robo EJ backs away.


Robo EJ leaves the building as Evil EJ reholsters his gun and Lucas comes over to him.

Lucas (annoyed): “You’re a real jerk, you know that?”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “What a startling observation, Lucas. Do you have any other wonderful insights you’d like to share with me?”

Lucas (questioning): “No, but I was wondering if I could take tomorrow off.”

Evil EJ (instantly): “Of course not, you pathetic twit.”

Lucas (pleading): “But tomorrow is Christmas Day.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Your point?”

Lucas (pleading): “Well, Chloe’s at her parents’ for the week, and Will flew in from Switzerland, so Sami and I were going to have a traditional Horton Christmas with him and Ali and Johnny.”

Evil EJ glares at Lucas.

Evil EJ (seething): “All the more reason for you to work.”

Lucas (volcanic as he goes back to his desk): “I’ll shoot you again for this, you evil DiMera.”

Evil EJ (challenging): “I’d like to see you try.”

Evil EJ (louder to the rest of his employees): “And that goes for all of you.”

There is an angry shout from the back corner of the main room.

Nick (not taking it anymore): “I’m not putting up with your crap, old man! You either give me Christmas off, or I’ll ice you the way I did Trent and Willow!”

Evil EJ merely looks at Nick.

Evil EJ (easily): “Okay.”

Nick (surprised): “Okay?”

Evil EJ (sweetly): “Yes, you’ve utterly convinced me of the error of my ways with that intimidating threat. You’re free to take the day off. Heck, why don’t you get an early start and leave now?”

Nick (getting up): “Damn right I will.”

Triumphant, Nick gathers his messenger bag and heads towards the door. Once he reaches it, the corner of Evil EJ’s mouth turns up.


There is a horrific scream as Nick falls down the hidden trap door that is wirelessly activated from Evil EJ’s hidden Blackberry.

Evil EJ (casually): “Anyone else object to working on Christmas? Anyone? Bueller?”

Only silence answers him.

Evil EJ (casually): “Excellent. Now get back to work, or I’ll strangle all of you.”

Content with his handling of his employees, Evil EJ travels to his office, sits down at his desk, lies back in his chair, and opens up his copy of The Wall Street Journal in order to get caught up on the business world before answering his email.

Carpe (narrating): “Evil EJ resumed his labors with an improved opinion of himself, and in a more facetious temper than was usual with him. And the hours of the day passed until the next chapter.”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Or as our indolent author will end up calling it, ‘Christmas in July.’”

Carpe (ticked off): “Keep it up, and you’ll be doing the next part in a chicken suit.”

It's The Fear

Sitting on the DiMansion sofa, Nicole eyes EJ warily.

Nicole (nervous): "So...um...I hear...I hear...uh..."

EJ (annoyed): "Um, what, darling? Spit it out."

Nicole forces a smile.

Nicole (disbelieving): "Well, I overheard some people talking today, and they said that you raped Sami. That you forced yourself on her...it's not true, is it? I mean, you wouldn't do that, of course you wouldn't...you're a good man..."

EJ looks at Nicole.

EJ (quietly): "Rape is such a loaded word."

The color drains out of Nicole's face as realizes exactly what EJ means, the vision of Victor's rape of her suddenly tearing into her thoughts. Unwilling to be in a position where she could be violated again, Nicole jumps up, tosses away her baby pillow, and runs out of the DiMansion.

It's Funny...Because It's Not

Evil EJ walks into the DiMera sitting room to see Nicole standing there.

Nicole (wearing the pillow): "Hey, EJ."

Evil EJ stares at her incredulously for a moment before he can't help himself and collapses onto the floor in a fit of laughter. Alarmed, Nicole runs over.

Nicole (helping him up): "EJ, EJ...are you okay?"

Evil EJ (nicely): "Oh, I'm fine..."

With one swift motion Evil EJ lifts Nicole up by the neck with one hand while removing her pillow with the other.

Evil EJ (ice cold): "But our daughter isn't, is she?"

"EJ Is Hot" Is Fixed...Sort Of

Rob Zombie objected to me using his "Foxy, Foxy" to this montage, so while I was able to get it back up on YouTube, I'm stuck using this song about fishing from this dude who is mumbling the whole damn time. At least the beat is good.

James Scott on Hulu!

Watch James give us the inside scoop on what's coming up on the show.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Local Salem Commercial Break

With apologies to Steve Englehart

I’m Evil EJ, and I approve this message.

Hello, ignorant maggots. Are you feeling as patriotic as I am? Yes, it’s only a few weeks until Election Day, but I’ve suddenly heard the call to serve you lesser minds. Accordingly, I’ve decided to throw my proverbial hat into the ring, and unveil to you, the idiotic public, my presidential campaign.

Simple. Elegant. No nuances, lockboxes, or complex platform positions to remember. You either vote for me, or you’ll no longer stay above room temperature. So if you want to keep breathing, I’ll have your complete and absolute support.

But even with that ultimatum, perhaps you’re unsure. Maybe you believe I won’t actually murder you in your sleep because other politicians have failed you in the past. Fear not. As I am a man of my word, I vow to terminate you with extreme prejudice if you do not vote for me through one of the following: strangulation, asphyxiation, shooting, puncture or shearing wounds, fire, liquid nitrogen, electrocution, illegal or legal drugs, biotoxins, wild animals, blunt force trauma, or a random exotic method of my choice such as drowning you in an industrial vat of hot chocolate.

And if you believe that I won’t find out that you didn’t back me as voting is supposedly private, oh, I’ll know. My crack staff of willing election minions on an unlimited payroll will secretly investigate every single ballot and trace them back to the appropriate citizen. Rest assured that if I find out you voted against me, you’ll be below ground before you can remove the election sign of one of my competitors off your front lawn.

Or perhaps you’ve already decided to join the winning team, but you’d like to know what will I do when I’m inducted into office. Ah, what won’t I do? Assassinate Lucas? Mandatory all black suit Fridays? Rename September to Samanther? Upon my coronation, you will be the willing subject of a depraved new world order, one that will eventually transform the entire world into the evil empire that it should be. Furthermore, it makes no difference that I’m younger than thirty-five as that will be one of my first changes to the Constitution along with exercising that whole term limits clause and having free elections every four years. And don’t even think about stopping me through the Supreme Court or the U.N. as my first hundred days will guarantee my benevolent, unending rule with an iron fist.

So forget these other two jokers, and choose evil on Election Day. After all, your continued existence depends on it.

Because it’s not about what I can do for you, but rather what I can do to you, isn’t it, sunshine?

Friday, October 17, 2008



Sorry. Robo EJ apologizes as Robo EJ must be quiet as Robo EJ is currently hiding from Hero EJ and Evil EJ in DiMansion ventilation system. Robo EJ could not be happier about cyborg baby, but Hero EJ and Evil EJ not like situation or Robo EJ’s self-modifications which allowed Robo Baby to be created. Robo EJ does not understand why Hero EJ is “very disappointed in him” and Evil EJ vowed Robo EJ would be “disintegrated to the subatomic level.” Yes, Nicole less than optimal female to make offspring with, but Robo EJ take what Robo EJ can get.

So no need be angry, Robo EJ take good care of Robo Baby all by himself once baby is born. No need Nicole then. And Robo EJ is very excited to be father for son or daughter! If baby is 0111100001111001, name will be Ernie after one of first computers, ENIAC. If baby is 0111100001111000, name will be Rose after robot human relations trailblazer Rosie the Robot.

So, yes, it review time! Monday show!

“I don’t know what to say.” Of course you do not, Zombie Dallas EJ! Is not your baby!

“She’s lying!” While Robo EJ thrilled to be daddy, Robo EJ admit that would have been better pro-Ejami plot. Rewrite from pro-Lumi and Ejole story obvious.

Robo EJ only like Zombie Dallas EJ defend Nicole here because she carry Robo Baby.

Get away, Zombie Dallas EJ! Is not yours!

“What do we do now?” Zombie Dallas EJ is moron led around on leash. Robo EJ know Evil EJ would not ask for guidance from non-Samantha woman.

Tuesday show!

Robo EJ think Zombie Dallas EJ showing off pale dead chest not distract audience from horrible writing.

Robo EJ also think Sami outfit not fool blind person although was clearly designed by one. And calling Zombie Dallas EJ sleaze is insult to Evil EJ.

Shirtless Lucas another sign of wrong decisionmaking. Confronted with choice, show always pick wrong option.

Days, people not care about real election. Care even less about fake one.

Robo EJ says does not compute Kayla would help any EJ after Evil EJ brainwashed husband and ran her off road with minions.

Hello, Robo Baby! Robo EJ is glad you is well! So cute! Cyborg growth insulation netting should protect Robo Baby from adverse events, but Robo EJ will feel much better when baby is born and away from Nicole.

Robo EJ not surprised ratings bad. This not chemistry. Can feel through screen even Zombie Dallas EJ want leave Nicole.

Wednesday show!

Robo EJ beyond caring about Ejole except for Robo Baby. Zombie Dallas EJ unwatchable.

Chloe insult Sami beyond the pale and very insulting to audience who is not all supermodels. Sheer idiocy like this why show not renewed yet.

Robo EJ think show very stupid reminding audience of past when show actually entertaining. Only fuel audience uncontrollable rage.

“I think Lucas is warming up to me.” Robo EJ think Zombie Dallas EJ should not want be liked by man who attempted murder all EJs. Robo EJ also think TPTB complete idiots for thinking audience accept non-enemy Lucas and EJ relationship.

Outfit completely not hiding Sami pregnancy so yes, moron Zombie Dallas EJ does not notice.

Ejami light up around each other!

Robo EJ found dialogue here insulting, especially “a friend” and “sign that you are meant to be” lines. Yet again show does not care about Ejami fanbase.


It’s been a long time

This only good moment all week. EJ and Sami want be together, but crap writing make them too stupid to tell each other this. And rewrites yet again obvious. Original plan Ejami end here. Robo EJ wonder how dumb TPTB get out of bed in morning without injury.

Robo EJ think Sami not tell Zombie Dallas EJ about Ejami baby plot totally undermined by scene with Johnny but expect this level of foolishness from Days.

Thursday show!

“Hmm, Ejami still not together, ratings still in toilet.”

Robo EJ believe show digging own grave.

Zombie Dallas EJ take dressing cues from Pansy EJ. Look like salon hairstylist. Evil EJ shoot television like namesake right now.

“Are you insane?” Insane is bag masquerading as dress.

Somehow Robo EJ did not miss this.

Nurse completely unprofessional and should be fired. Many women have babies alone. Again Days insulting audience.

Of course Stefano not care. Have zillions of children with none same mothers.

Yet again scenes demonstrate Days want Lumi and Ejole before badly added Ejami rewrites. Show running out of time. Ejami now or lights out.

Friday sh-

Robo EJ’s mechanical voice falters as a surge of electricity runs through him.

Excited Voice (proud): “Great shot, Samantha!”

As the shock from the tazer rapidly wears off, Robo EJ sees Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll enter the ventilation shaft both dressed in infiltration gear.

Robo EJ (surprised): “Evil Crazy EJ? What you doing?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Samantha and I are here to bring you in, Robo EJ. Evil EJ asked for our help in looking for you. He is very not happy.”

Robo EJ (afraid): “No, please! Please! Robo EJ must be around for Robo Baby!”

Evil Crazy EJ (ignoring his pleas): “Samantha says Robo EJ should have thought of that before he asked the stork to bring him robot baby without getting permission from Hero EJ and Evil EJ!”

Robo EJ (confused): “Robo EJ think Evil Crazy EJ mistaken where baby comes from.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing the point): “I think you come from Stupidland! You have Nicole be mommy of Robo Baby?! She does not know anything about robots. She will give the baby alcohol to drink instead of gasoline and human toys like stuffed animals instead of robot toys like lasers.”

Robo EJ (desperate): “Please do not bring Robo EJ to Evil EJ! Robo EJ will give you cookies!”

Evil Crazy EJ regards Robo EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (intrigued): “What kind of cookies?”

Robo EJ (negotiating): “You choose.”

Talking the offer over with his wife, Evil Crazy EJ brings his Samantha doll closer to him in order to hear her better.

Evil Crazy EJ (adamant): “E.L. Fudge Doublestuffed. Two packages. One for Samantha and one for me.”

Robo EJ (all too eager): “This can be arranged.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleasantly): “We accept your terms.”

Evil Crazy EJ holds out his hand. As soon as Robo EJ moves to shake it, Evil Crazy EJ stabs Robo EJ’s right hand with a combat knife.

Evil Crazy EJ (removing the blade): “Stupid robot! We would never betray Evil EJ! Not even for a tour of the Keebler elves factory tree! Now you come with us!”

Robo EJ (evilly): “Robo EJ does not think so.”

Robo EJ backs away from Evil Crazy EJ to show he is now holding Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll in his left hand.

Samantha: “…”

Enraged, Evil Crazy EJ glares darkly at Robo EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (pointing angrily): “You leave my wife alone, Robo EJ!”

Robo EJ (shaking his head): “Robo EJ will not miss nanosecond of Robo Baby existence.”

Evil Crazy EJ (growling): “You won’t exist if you don’t take your hands off Samantha right now!”

Robo EJ (stating his terms): “You let Robo EJ still hide, you get leave with her.”

Robo EJ and Evil Crazy EJ stare at each other. Suddenly, Evil Crazy EJ smiles.

Evil Crazy EJ (reciting): “Computer, accept audio input! Code six six three nine! Alpha Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! Reference 0x0000042! Passphrase what the paladin doesn’t know won’t hurt him!”

A clicking sound comes from Robo EJ’s speakers and echoes throughout the shaft.

Sinister Recording (sounds familiar): “Indeed. Physical lockdown activated. Evil EJ manual override engaged. So bucket of bolts hasn’t been behaving himself. Who is going to put him in his place?”

Robo EJ (unable to move): “What?!! What paralyze Robo EJ and use sound system?”

Evil Crazy EJ (continuing): “User is Frayed Ends of Sanity! Password is Samantha’s favorite color!”

Evil EJ Control Program (access granted): “Identity confirmed. Hello, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. How shall this overgrown toaster serve you?”

Robo EJ (frozen): “This not fair. Hero EJ said Robo EJ is free being. This not supposed to be possible!”

Evil Crazy EJ (ordering): “Go to sleep now!”

Evil EJ Control Program (executing): “Command accepted. Initiating emergency shutdown. Flipping killswitch. Unpleasant dreams, sunshine.”

Robo EJ (shrieking): “NOOOOOOOOO! MY BAB-”

The light dies in Robo EJ’s eyes as his internal power source is deactivated. Satisfied that he has rendered the cyborg inert, Evil Crazy EJ walks over to him and gathers his wife in his arms.

Samantha (hugging her husband): “Oh, EJ!”

Evil Crazy EJ (stroking her hair): “Did he hurt you, sweetheart?”

Samantha (giggling): “Nope. Our backup plan worked perfectly!”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “While I would have preferred not to make Robo EJ take a nap, it was his own fault. He should have never tried to use you as a hostage.”

Samantha (considering): “Yes, for a machine Robo EJ is not very smart.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Robo EJ should have known that Evil EJ would install a hidden program to control him behind Hero EJ’s back and give himself, us, and Gray EJ secret codes for it. Of course Evil EJ does not want Robo EJ walking around without a way to stop him. He has watched the Terminator movies with us lots of times.”

Having subdued Robo EJ, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha drag him out of the ventilation shaft and place him on the floor of the adjacent room.

Samantha (brushing dust off her outfit): “You should tell Evil EJ we have completed our mission!”

Evil Crazy EJ (taking out his Sidekick): “Good idea, Samantha!”

Evil Crazy EJ (texting): “O_o samantha + me got robo ej in tv room plz come 2 us ^_^”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha read the near-instant reply from Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (response): “Excellent, I’ll be right there-consider your request granted.”

Samantha (throwing her hands up in the air): “Yes! Evil EJ is going to take us to dinner and clothes shopping!”

Evil Crazy EJ (gesturing happily): “And not only that, Samantha! He said that we can get McFlurries, and he’d play in the PlayZone with us!”

Samantha (smiling): “I want to take pictures of him on the slide and in the ball pit! We can make him a thank you present and put the photos in a friendship frame!”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing her on the top of her head): “Oh, he will love that! You are the best wife ever!”

Samantha looks over at Robo EJ’s unconscious form.

Samantha (tugging on her husband’s sleeve): “Sweetie, I think we need to finish up the review Robo EJ was doing. He can’t finish it when he’s asleep.”

Evil Crazy EJ (unsure): “But we didn’t watch the show, my dear. It was too stupid.”

Samantha (thinking): “Well, I suppose we could say that Nicole should not play tickling games with Zombie Dallas EJ in her underwear. She will get sick!”

Evil Crazy EJ (amazed at how smart his wife is): “That is a very good point, darling. Cold and flu season will be here soon, and we don’t want anyone to become ill.”

Samantha (hugging her husband): “So dress appropriately, and enjoy the weekend! No show, so no stupid stuff to watch! Only losers would write such a stupid story! We give this past week an L for losers!”

Evil Crazy EJ (hugging her back): “Yes, we do, sweetheart! And now that’s it’s over with, it’s time to have fun!”