Sunday, July 20, 2008

A New Beginning

It's May 31st, 2006, and Sami has come over to EJ's apartment.

Sami (flustered): "Um...what am I-oh, uh, the wrench. My wrench. I live there, and you borrowed my wrench. "

EJ (nicely): "Hi, I'm EJ-"

EJ is interrupted as Sami throws herself at him and kisses him passionately.

Sami (breathlessly): "Tell me later."

EJ closes the apartment door and locks it as Ejami continues getting to know each other.

Friday, July 18th, 2008

And all the girlies say
I’m pretty fly for a white guy

“You don’t trust me.” Trust you, Evil EJ? I may hate Jawn here, but that’s a really smart decision on his part not to do so, collaboration or no collaboration.

“Days actually remembered where I went to law school correctly this time? You’re kidding.”

Oh, EJ is so British!

“That poor man…to think what he’s gone through.”
“Yeah…tragic.” Oh, now that’s Evil EJ. I could listen to him say this all day.

I quite liked this filler with Judge Karen if for no other reason than watching Evil EJ work. He’s so charming yet manipulative.

Canary yellow is so not Sami’s color.

“How did you know that?”
“Closed circuit television.”
“That’s a little unnerving.” A little? Oh, Days, you did not need to go here. Now Jawn’s a perv. Ew!

It’s the couple that never ends
It just goes on and on, my friend
Days put them together not knowing what it was
And they are stuck with them like this forever just because
It’s the couple that never ends

“Still don’t trust me, eh?” Ask again. I don’t think he heard you the first four times.
“But one good deed does not erase the fact that you shot me and relieved me of one of my kidneys.” Oh, come on. You only need one kidney. It’s like he removed a spare.

“I did that for my father. Didn’t have a choice. You would have done it.” Again, his conditioning runs deep.
“If anything I’d like to think it would show you just how far I’d go to protect my family.” No lines you would not cross. I love it.
“And if I find that you can be as loyal to me as you were to Stefano, perhaps we can do business.” Well, we’ll see. It depends on whether or not Evil EJ is playing you here. I certainly hope he is. The DiEmpire belongs to him.

“So my evil level is about here right now. I’m trying to get it up higher, but this atrocious writing keeps getting in the way.”

What can I say, I’m not a Jawn fan. But I did like this convo because Jawn’s right. EJ did what was best for EJ, which was keeping his family, EJ, Sami, Johnny, and Ali, together by any means necessary.

“Hey, Samantha, what happened?” EJ asks, and Sami answers when both of them are supposed to be avoiding each other. They want to spend time together and look for any excuse to do so.

“You’re a mess. Look at you. You’re a mess, Samantha.” I’ll tell you what’s a mess, this cringeworthy dialogue. Evil EJ doesn’t talk like this! He’s much much wittier!

“You’re the one I’ll never forgive.” Ah, but Sami, if you didn’t care, why would you be hurt?
“What you’re doing is cruel.” Yeah, forcing Sami to live in a mansion instead of her awful dark and dingy apartment is a crime against humanity.
“Maybe. But it is necessary.” Exactly, Evil EJ. You have to force Sami to wake up.

Days, I’ll give you $20 bucks you can use for a new set if you replace that chess set with the following

“So what do you think, nephew? Are the parallels between Jarlena and Ejami blatant enough that the stupid audience gets the whole generational passing of the baton here?”
“Well, admittedly they are cretins, especially that Carpe character, so let’s make it a bit more obvious, shall we?”

“Ah. There. That’s better.”

Grade: Evil EJ B+, Ejami B, rest D. Show, you’re going too slowly. We all know where you’re headed, now go there! And fix the damn dialogue! We’re getting Kinda Evil EJ when we should be getting Full Effect Evil EJ because you’re making him talk like a moron. Go back and watch March and April 2007. He’s much smarter and more inventive than this crap.

Thursday, July 17th, 2008

Calling Trent Brent? Seriously, Evil EJ? That’s the best you can do? Between that and the crappy river reference, you’re rusty.

My least favorite EJ pairing and my least favorite set, show? It’s anti-entertainment!

“I don't like him, Nicole. I don't like the way he treats you.” I agree. Trent needs to stop coddling Nikki here and start getting violent.

“I find women fascinating, nephew. Do you find them troublesome?”
“Yes, I find them troublesome.” Ah, but you love your Trouble, don’t you?

“Hey, Doc, let’s repeat that dumb ‘Sami is losing both Lucas and EJ’ convo, okay?”

“Well, you know, maybe you should stop dressing like an attorney all the time. You ever hear of jeans and a t-shirt? Boots maybe. You know, girls-we dig it.” Yes, it’s not like he wore jeans just yesterday or anything.
“Thanks, Ava. I'll take that under consideration.” That means no.
“You know, you are a decent-looking guy.” Decent?!! Try devastating.
“Just loosen up a little.” DiMeras are classy, Ava.
“She's right, you know.” No, she’s not.
“You need to change it up. It keeps it interesting.” He already does! How else would we have both Causal EJ and Suit EJ, not to mention Shirtless EJ and Robe Hospital Gown EJ?
“As it happens, I am planning on making a few changes in my life. But the wardrobe-it stays.” As it should, Evil EJ. After all, your moral alignment is lawful evil. Man, this was the dumbest, most out of place convo in a while on this show. Talking about the Fed possibly raising interest rates would have been more exciting.

“Well...let's just say I've been Mr. Nice Guy...and look where that landed me, hmm?” Only a DiMera would confuse pretending to be a good person with actually being a good person.
“Single parent, divorced.” And only this stupid show would mistake a divorce for an annulment. Why bother making sense? It’s not like anyone’s going to notice.
“It's got to stop. I mean, if I'm gonna be a good example for my son, you know?” Like Stefano was for you. EJ’s conditioning runs deep.
“I want him to grow up to be strong, I’ve got to make some changes in my life.” Evil gets things done!

“You know, I've always rather admired you, John.” What?!
“Despite all the Bradys' attempts to steer you back to your old ways, you held firm. You didn't capitulate. I commend you for that.” Oh. Yes, just say NO to the Brady/Horton oligarchy.
“Power, control, a little bit of respect, maybe.” Sexy. And I love how power is first.
“So, whatever business ventures you're involved in-shipping or otherwise-I'd like to be involved in them, too.” Goodbye, evil lawyering, hello evil DiEmpire!
“I prefer to work alone.” Too bad. He’s not asking.
“Okay. I'll let you give it some thought, eh?” See, Evil EJ doesn’t take no for an answer.
“For my consideration, though, what is it that you can bring to the table?” Pure awesomeness.
“Well, legal expertise, obviously. And I have an extremely detailed understanding of all of my father's business dealings.” And you’ve literally gotten away with everything under the sun, including murder. Quite the evil resume.
“Nothing I can't get elsewhere.” I beg to differ. Evil EJ’s work ethic is unparalleled.
“ are family.” Ah, Santeen.

Trent, buddy, you are really letting me down with your ineffective threatening. You need to start stalking your Nikki here, okay?

“And let's not forget I wasn't always Mr. Nice Guy.” Oh, you silly show, you. How could I ever forget.

Grade: Evil EJ B, everything else F. Days, I won’t ask you to make sense from one show to the next here because clearly that’s beyond your meager abilities. However, I do ask that you raise your game here for overtly Evil EJ’s characterization. He is near omnipotent, strikingly brilliant, utterly depraved, and spellbindingly hilarious. He also loves his Samantha to a degree beyond obsession. If you’re going to keep him around full time, you need to man up right quick. This ain’t cutting it.

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

“No. I am protecting what is mine. If you try and take my son from this house, you try and break up my family, the law will intervene. I'll make sure of that.” Yup, EJ’s just doing what he has to do here to keep all four of you together.
“It was bound to happen, wasn't it? DiMera blood shining through and all that. You are the son your father could be proud of” and “Well, if by that you mean I'm trying to offer my son the best possible future, then I'm very proud to be emulating my father.” I wonder if Stefano would agree.

“You're a DiMera, which means you blackmailed the judge, bribed him, threatened him, all of the above to get him to sign that.” I’m thinking a nice steak dinner myself.
“Well, unfortunately for you, how I came to be in possession of this document really doesn't matter. What's important to you is that I have it, and that it is legally binding.” Oh, EJ loves the letter of the law, just not the spirit.
“You just can't take rejection, can you?” From you? Oh hells no.

“How quickly things change, EJ. You know, it was just a couple of days ago that you grabbed me and professed your undying love for me.” Yes, I must rewatch that!
“Oh, let's not go there, all right?” No, let’s!
“Why not? 'Cause it makes you feel like a hypocrite? Maybe a little bit fickle?” and “Fickle? Let's have a conversation about being fickle, shall we, Samantha? You're in bed with me one night, and then the-not even the next night, the same night, you throw yourself into Lucas' arms and you tell him you are desperate to get back with him.” Days, you better be trying to apologize for how inane this plot is-otherwise you’re just making the characters look bad by highlighting their dumb decisions.
“You're just not taking my son. He belongs with his father.” Just like you did with Stefano, huh?
“I just want a family, a real one. Not this...ridiculous fraud.” This is more real than everything you’ve ever had with Lucas, Sami, and you know it.
“What, so you can start your life with Lucas, right? How wonderfully idyllic.” and “I mean, it's fantasy. It's complete fantasy, Samantha. You're never going to be with Lucas.” Yup. It’s Ejami time!
“From where I'm sitting, you're in serious need of a reality check, sweetheart.” That’s been true for more than a year now, EJ.

“Your new attitude just doesn't add up, EJ.” And “Well, because you've spent months telling much you want to be with me. And now, all of a sudden, you're gonna let me walk out of your life? That just doesn't seem like you.” It isn’t. It’s a ploy.
“Just walk away, Samantha, all right? I really don't care, okay?” And EJ sells it well.
“The other option would be for you to be civil about this.” Where’s the fun in that?
“Yeah, well, considering the way you treated me, I'm being about as civil as I'm gonna be.” Our boy is really hurting right now.
“EJ, you think I don't know what you're doing? You think I can't see through this act you have going?” No, but you have doubt, Sami. And that’s all he needs you to have.
“Yeah. It's not an act, Samantha.” Yes, it is.
“Have you forgotten who you're dealing with?” He hasn’t, you have. Time to take off your Carrie mask, Sami. Go after him.
“EJ...I will do whatever I have to protect my children.” Good. Show him that woman.

“I know you love him very much.” True!
“I also know how much you hate me.” False!
“And that hatred, Samantha, is eventually going to become a bitterness and a resentment towards him.” And this is EJ implying that Sami needs to accept her love for him for Johnny’s sake. He’s insidious.

“I mean, you just want it to happen, so therefore, obviously, it's going to, you know? Yes, like me and Ejami. Through sheer will.
“You're in love with Lucas, so he's gonna spend the rest of his life with you. You'd like me to leave, so I'll just see myself out, shall I? And, of course, you want to spend the rest of your life with Johnny, so we'll make that happen. Yeah?”
“That's hardly what I'm saying.”
“Isn't it? Why don't you tell me exactly which one of those would you give up?” Option 1, EJ!

“With Nicole, without Nicole. I mean, does it really matter?” Yes! Without Nicole!
“She's a good person. She has a very warm heart. She's very nurturing, you know. She looks after that dog. If she looked after a child the same way...” That’s a pretty big if. And this is the second dumbest line in this episode. People are not same as pets, even if you were to keep someone, say Pansy EJ, in a cage.
“You and Nicole-the new power couple.” No, that’s Ejami.
“Look, I've only been with Nicole once.” Nah, that was Robo EJ.
“Luckily for me, that imagine is burned forever in my scarred psyche.” You should have skipped those episodes like I did, Sami.
“You know, actually, I did tell her that I had some feelings for her.” Yes, you need your daily constant reassurance, don’t you?
“Yes, well, we know how easily you come by those.” It’s his emotional impairment due to his brainwashing, Sami. He really can’t help it.
“She blew me off.” Thank goodness.
“Samantha, I may not end up with Nicole...but I will be with some woman, and that woman will be in Johnny’s life.” And that woman will be Sami.
“You really have a problem picturing me with somebody else, don't you?” Well, you are her soulmate.
“I have a problem picturing you making someone happy. I have a problem picturing you finding someone who will put up with you.” Other than you, you mean.
“I used to be happy, Samantha. Very...before I came to Salem. Before I met you. You know, I had friends. I had lovers. I went to parties.” And here’s the dumbest line in the episode! I would hope you had all that, EJ, as you were an internationally famous race car driver. And all that disappearing isn’t Sami’s fault, it’s the show. They don’t have the budget for you to have friends or temporary love interests or hang out at places other than the Pub or the DiMansion.
“I left a message for Edmund and my mother today.” Honestly, I can buy this as Stefano is still comatized, so it’s safe for him to contact them, but EJ could be lying too. It’s what he does.

“Oh, go ahead. Come on, keep hitting me. That's gonna look great. A few cuts and bruises there for the judge.” Not even Judge Judy would believe she beat up you
“You know, it's sad, really, Samantha, that you never even let this begin.” Don’t blame her, blame the show!
“It's not over.” Of course not. We’re just getting started.

“This is over, Samantha. This is completely over. You got what you wanted. Congratulations.” You mean like back in 2006 when you told her it was over and then schemed to impregnate her? That kind of over? I trust you as far as I can throw you, EJ.

Grade: B. I had to deduct some points for the lack of pointing, inappropriate touching, and choking. This wasn’t fighting, it was discussion. Ejami was so respectful of one another it kinda annoyed me, actually. Anyway, EJ’s angle here is playing hard to get yet still forcing Sami to live with him so she’ll embrace her feelings and pursue him. If he was truly done with her, he’d just take Johnny to Europe in the middle of the night. He certainly wouldn’t warn her about the possibility ahead of time and construct an elaborate scenario to keep her and Ali in the mansion with him and Johnny. He’s changed tactics, and he’s back in the power position again. We just have to be patient.

Monday, July 14th, 2008

Days, if you are trying to make me hate this outdoor set, you’re succeeding. You guys should start taking donations. I’d help out for something more interesting.

“Do you call your mommy every time you have sex?” Honestly, I don’t know what’s creepier here, that Chloe might actually do this or that Nicole went there and pointed it out. Ew.

“And in that instant, Inspector Poirot knew he had a new case.”

“Lucas would never do that.” Because Lucas never does anything wrong, right?
“It's true. Lucas and I had sex last night.” I wouldn’t be so proud of that, Chloe.
“You're lying.” Why would anyone lie about that? Ew again.
“If you don't believe me, just go ask Lucas.” Because he’s so truthful, isn’t he?
“You know what? You have been two-timing Lucas ever since he got out of prison.” No, she hasn’t been. She’s been chasing after Lucas, and he’s been leading her on.
“I needed a friend, and so did Lucas. Lucas called me because he was very upset. He overheard EJ and Nicole talking. EJ told her that you admitted to still having feelings for him.” This plot sounds even stupider when you say it out loud!
“He's a grown man. What was I supposed to do?” Run, Chloe! RUN!!!

“No, you ignored him and treated him like dirt.” Since when? Sami’s bent over backwards for Lucas. He emails her telling to move on and then gets all bent out of shape that she did so? Give me a break.
“You've been playing Lucas and EJ like puppets, having them dance around while you come and go, trying to decide which one to cut loose.” Um, no, she dropped EJ like a bad habit.
“You know what? It's time you face it, Sami-you have no one to blame but yourself!” It’s okay, Sami. You can just blame the writers like I do.

“What was that combo again? Left, left, right, left, kick, punch?”

“You're the one who drove Lucas to me because he found out that you have feelings have for EJ.” Oh, B.S. Lucas has been leading Sami on this entire time.

“I do not have feelings for EJ!” It’s not a spell, Sami. Saying it over and over again doesn’t make it come true.

Double the suck! Sorry, Chloe, but Sami is my number one girl.

Everyone loves punch and pie!

Insert your own joke about “licking” and “EJ” right here.

“All right, ladies-or should I say children?” Oh, come on, EJ. You can do better than that. That’s not even mildly amusing.

“What is wrong with you? Do you care about anybody else other than yourself?” Where to start, and no, not at the moment.
“I wonder who the first person you would have called would have been if you got arrested and charged with assaulting Chloe.” Mickey Horton?
“Did you know that Chloe and Lucas had sex the same time you and Nicole were going at it in the elevator?” Ugh, don’t remind me!
“But the fact of the matter is she certainly didn't force Lucas to have sex with her.” No, that’s what you and your Samantha do.
“I'll tell you what she didn't do, okay? She didn't take that ankle bracelet off Lucas' leg. He did that all on his own. And he sneaked out of the house all on his own, and I bet it wasn't the first time he skipped out.” Exactly.
“Lucas slept with her because of you.” No, Lucas slept with Chloe because he’s a moron.
“Of course. My fault. Everything's my fault, isn't it, darling? I should have thought of that earlier.” Blaming you is a trend with her as you very well know.
“That you have some feelings for me? Oh, boo hoo.” That’s it? Weak sauce, EJ. Weak sauce.
“Well, luckily, I'm cured of that forever. Just so you know, I'm taking the twins and moving out of the mansion tonight.” No, you’re not.

“There goes the woman of your dreams. Aren't you gonna run after her?” Thank you, Nicole, and thank you, show. Please have Nicole pimp Ejami more. It’s metal to my ears.

“So I was all oh wow, and he was all like really? I’m all really really, and-”

“I'm not a DiMera anymore. I'm a Brady.” Haven’t you ever watched a mob movie? You ain’t getting out of this, Sami. Not ever.

I think I see Daniel’s problem here. Chelsea is clearly Kate’s clone.

“EJ, my life has been a train wreck since the day I met you.” And that would be different from your life before how?
“I should be living in my apartment with Lucas, raising my children.” Yes, Lumi was the plan originally. Fifteen years of tru luv, only to get accidentally derailed by the DiMera interloper.
“Instead, I'm stuck in this haunted mansion with a bunch of freak-show rejects, and Lucas is on his way back to prison!” Happy days are here again!
“You brought this upon yourself.” No, that was the writers who approved this craptacular summer storyline, EJ.
“Samantha, you can want it all you like, but the life you're looking for is never coming back.” Exactly. Direction change!
“I know exactly why you slept with Nicole. You were trying to get even with me.” Yup.
“I am taking Johnny and Ali and getting the hell out of here, and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.” Sami, have you met EJ?

“Actually, you're wrong, Samantha. There is something I can do. In fact, I've already done it.” EJ’s motto is the same as the Boy Scouts. Be prepared.
“This is a court order. It, uh, forbids you from taking Johnny from our home until a custody hearing.” Our home, eh? Someone still thinks of Sami as his wife.
“Our home? This depressing place is hardly our home.” I *heart* the DiMansion myself.
“I'm sorry, Samantha. But, uh, I'm doing everything I have to do to keep my family together.” Yup. It’s time to play hardball.

Grade: B. I did not care at all for the food fight as Sami isn’t thirteen, but we are moving in the right direction here Ejamiwise and Nicole was barely in this, so I’ll be generous.