Saturday, January 12, 2008

Those Rumors About EJ’s Actions

After praying at church, Gray EJ returns to his apartment, only to be confronted immediately upon entering.

Evil EJ (incredulously): “Your soul?!!”

Gray EJ (irritated as he comes through): “I just knew this was coming. A man can’t even come back to his own apartment in peace. No, of course not. The instant I get home I get accosted by-”

Evil EJ (interrupting): “Let me get this straight. You went to St. Luke’s, got down on your knees, cried, and asked God for your soul back?!!”

Gray EJ (sighing): “I can explain-”

Evil EJ (gesturing wildly): “Oh, there’s nothing to explain. Kind of speaks for itself, really. Tell me, did you stop by Toys ‘R Us on the way back and pick up some My Little Ponies to go with it?”

Gray EJ (annoyed): “Spare me. I’m not happy about it either.”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Funny, you certainly seem that way to me. Or perhaps it’s the glitter already getting to your brain.”

Gray EJ (trying to explain anyway): “Look, after everything that’s happened to us, I had to do it. I had to show the audience that we’re genuinely serious about becoming a better man.”

Evil EJ (crossing his arms): “Who said we wanted to be, you sanctimonious git? And better man? More like emasculation, I’d say. At this point, I’m just glad I stopped being frontman after we were shot at the wedding. Not only did I go out on a high note, I have an unblemished record of evilness as I ran Salem with an iron fist.”

Gray EJ (pointedly): “And you really think they would have continued to let you do that? That you wouldn’t have been shot anyway and slowly rehabilitated before reclaiming your nefarious ways? That some of that wouldn’t have happened off screen?”

Evil EJ (firm): “It wouldn’t have worked out that way. I would have been fine.”

Gray EJ: “Oh, really? Because you didn’t seem fine. In fact, I’d wager that Hero EJ wore you down. You barely came out ahead in those battles you had with him.”

Evil EJ (insistent): “I had everything under control. Everything was going to be perfect! I was going to be the new Stefano!”

Gray EJ (yelling): “And how was that working out for you?! Stefano never got Marlena!”

Evil EJ (dead certain): “I’m better than Father! Samantha would have been mine!!”

Gray EJ (screaming as he suddenly grabs Evil EJ): “No, she wouldn’t have! You know damn well how this show works, yet you won’t let it go! You keep coming back to it as if it were even an option! ‘I would have made it work-I would have had her!’ NO, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE! TPTB WON’T LET YOU! Why won’t you get it through your head? Are you insane?! Is that who you want us to be? A complete bloody idiot lost in his delusions?!!”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ both uneasily glance over at Evil Crazy EJ playing with his Samantha doll in his Little Tikes Playhouse in the corner of the apartment.

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “This is very good tea, Samantha. You outdid yourself today.”

Samantha: “……”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “You’re welcome.”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ turn back towards one another.

Evil EJ (icily): “You leave him out of this.”

Gray EJ (letting go of Evil EJ and backing away as he casts his eyes downward): “You’re right. I went too far. I’m sorry.”

Evil EJ (straightening his black suit): “You damn well better be. If he heard you, you are the one who gets to take him and Samantha to FAO Schwartz next time. Two hours spent combing through the entire Barbie section to find her the right Christmas dress…I thought my eyes were going to fall out.”

Gray EJ (taking a deep breath): “All right. I see your point, although I strongly disagree. And this is a useless argument besides. Either way, it doesn’t matter. This is the way it has to be.”

Evil EJ (quietly bitter): “No, it doesn’t. One can be evil and be loved.”

Gray EJ (halfheartedly smiling): “True. But not on this show.”

Evil EJ (off handed): “If I knew where Days kept its altar of morality, I’d incinerate it.”

Evil EJ (suddenly concerned): “But we have more important things to worry about now, because in any case, we’re not going to stay gray for long. Not after a confession like that.”

Gray EJ (resigned): “I know. I got to be in charge for two weeks, and I’m already being pushed aside.”

Evil EJ (simply as he pats Gray EJ on the back): “I’m sorry. You gave it the old college try, though.”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ hear a knock at the door. Neither of them move. As the knocking continues, Evil EJ stares at Gray EJ.

Gray EJ (hesitantly): “Who is it?”

Good EJ (behind the door): “It’s Good EJ. I used to live here…two summers ago, I believe. Anyway, I know this is rather presumptuous of me, but I was wondering if I could move back in.”

Gray EJ (tiredly as he moves opens the door): “Of course. Why not. The more the merrier.”

Good EJ (cheery as he brings in his luggage): “Hello. It’s so great to be back, and now I have roommates. I couldn’t be more excited! I’m looking forward to running the show and getting to know all of you!”

Gray EJ (dryly): “We’re just as charmed about the idea as you are.”

Evil EJ (folding arms across his chest and glaring at Good EJ): “Peasant.”

Good EJ (ignoring the insult): “Right. Well, I hope no one minds that I brought Christmas cookies as my housewarming gift, although technically it’s apartmentwarming, I suppose.”

Gray EJ (unsure what to say): “I don’t see why anyone would mind, exactly. Here, why don’t you share them with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha? I’m sure he’d appreciate having sweets at their tea party.”

Good EJ (nicely): “Smashing idea. I’ll do that. We’ll sit down, talk, and get to know each other later then.”

Good EJ moves over to Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha while Evil EJ looks at Gray EJ and shakes his head dismissively.

Gray EJ (looking back at Evil EJ wistfully): “Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad being alone after all, eh?”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes as he walks away): “I’ll be in my room beating my head against the wall. Call me if they let us hurt anyone.”

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