Spin The Wheel of Death

Evil EJ spins his wheel of torture.

Gray EJ (watching): "I'm pulling for amputation. If anyone deserves it, it's Nicole."

Evil Crazy EJ (excitedly): "Samantha wants to suffocate her underneath a mountain of stuffed animals!"

Evil EJ (patiently): "Let's see what chance has in mind, eh?"

The wheel stops turning, and Evil EJ lights up at its selection.

Evil EJ (pleasantly): "Finally, an excuse to go shopping."

Gray EJ (watching): "Full body immolation?! That's your first choice-you rigged this!"

Evil EJ smirks.

Evil EJ (darkly): "Of course I did. A man makes his own fate."

It's The Fear

Sitting on the DiMansion sofa, Nicole eyes EJ warily.

Nicole (nervous): "So...um...I hear...I hear...uh..."

EJ (annoyed): "Um, what, darling? Spit it out."

Nicole forces a smile.

Nicole (disbelieving): "Well, I overheard some people talking today, and they said that you raped Sami. That you forced yourself on her...it's not true, is it? I mean, you wouldn't do that, of course you wouldn't...you're a good man..."

EJ looks at Nicole.

EJ (quietly): "Rape is such a loaded word."

The color drains out of Nicole's face as realizes exactly what EJ means, the vision of Victor's rape of her suddenly tearing into her thoughts. Unwilling to be in a position where she could be violated again, Nicole jumps up, tosses away her baby pillow, and runs out of the DiMansion.

It's Funny...Because It's Not

Evil EJ walks into the DiMera sitting room to see Nicole standing there.

Nicole (wearing the pillow): "Hey, EJ."

Evil EJ stares at her incredulously for a moment before he can't help himself and collapses onto the floor in a fit of laughter. Alarmed, Nicole runs over.

Nicole (helping him up): "EJ, EJ...are you okay?"

Evil EJ (nicely): "Oh, I'm fine..."

With one swift motion Evil EJ lifts Nicole up by the neck with one hand while removing her pillow with the other.

Evil EJ (ice cold): "But our daughter isn't, is she?"

Local Salem Commercial Break

With apologies to Steve Englehart



I’m Evil EJ, and I approve this message.



Hello, ignorant maggots. Are you feeling as patriotic as I am? Yes, it’s only a few weeks until Election Day, but I’ve suddenly heard the call to serve you lesser minds. Accordingly, I’ve decided to throw my proverbial hat into the ring, and unveil to you, the idiotic public, my presidential campaign.



Simple. Elegant. No nuances, lockboxes, or complex platform positions to remember. You either vote for me, or you’ll no longer stay above room temperature. So if you want to keep breathing, I’ll have your complete and absolute support.



But even with that ultimatum, perhaps you’re unsure. Maybe you believe I won’t actually murder you in your sleep because other politicians have failed you in the past. Fear not. As I am a man of my word, I vow to terminate you with extreme prejudice if you do not vote for me through one of the following: strangulation, asphyxiation, shooting, puncture or shearing wounds, fire, liquid nitrogen, electrocution, illegal or legal drugs, biotoxins, wild animals, blunt force trauma, or a random exotic method of my choice such as drowning you in an industrial vat of hot chocolate.



And if you believe that I won’t find out that you didn’t back me as voting is supposedly private, oh, I’ll know. My crack staff of willing election minions on an unlimited payroll will secretly investigate every single ballot and trace them back to the appropriate citizen. Rest assured that if I find out you voted against me, you’ll be below ground before you can remove the election sign of one of my competitors off your front lawn.



Or perhaps you’ve already decided to join the winning team, but you’d like to know what will I do when I’m inducted into office. Ah, what won’t I do? Assassinate Lucas? Mandatory all black suit Fridays? Rename September to Samanther? Upon my coronation, you will be the willing subject of a depraved new world order, one that will eventually transform the entire world into the evil empire that it should be. Furthermore, it makes no difference that I’m younger than thirty-five as that will be one of my first changes to the Constitution along with exercising that whole term limits clause and having free elections every four years. And don’t even think about stopping me through the Supreme Court or the U.N. as my first hundred days will guarantee my benevolent, unending rule with an iron fist.



So forget these other two jokers, and choose evil on Election Day. After all, your continued existence depends on it.



Because it’s not about what I can do for you, but rather what I can do to you, isn’t it, sunshine?

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha Review September 10th, 2008

Hello! How is everyone today? Samantha and I are so happy to be here!



Yes! We want to thank Carpe for asking us to do the review!



Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Yes, Samantha, we are so lucky to get to review Metallica’s new album!”

Samantha (throwing her hands up in the air): “It is great! You need to buy it right away on Friday if you have not already had someone help you preorder it so it is there waiting for you when you go to the store. You can listen to part of it at Metallica.com, and there are songs about demons and death and killing people and selling your soul and monsters and the end of the world! And the best song is about coloring!”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “James Hetfield is truly a master lyrist to write so eloquently about our favorite activity.”

Samantha (singing): “I’ll end this day...I’ll splatter color on this gray”



What are you two doing?



Hi, Evil EJ! Samantha and I are doing the review we promised Carpe.

Evil EJ (irritated): “But Carpe did not ask you to review the new Metallica album, although I’m sure she appreciates another blatant plug for her favorite musical group. You and Samantha are supposed to be reviewing today’s show.”

Samantha (shaking her head): “I didn’t like it. It was stupid!”

Evil Crazy EJ (comforting his wife): “Samantha says it was dumb, so she does not want to talk about it. We decided to review ‘Death Magnetic’ instead.”

Evil EJ (patiently): “Unfortunately for you two, that’s not what you agreed to do. Now, get back to reviewing the episode, okay? You promised her you would do so. And I’ll know if you don’t.”

Trusting his best friend to listen to him, Evil EJ leaves Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha alone again in the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (annoyed): “Fine! Idiotic Carpe. It’s not like anyone reads these anyway, right, sweetheart?”

Samantha (sticking her tongue out): “Yes, but we will review the dumb show now, not that we want to.”



Evil Crazy EJ (mockingly): “I am Good EJ, and I am stupid. I cannot even read with my stupid glasses. That is how stupid I am. How I do not fall down from my stupidity I do not know.”



Samantha (sing song): “I am Nicole, and I am even dumber than Good EJ! My dress is ugly, and I get cold because it has no arms. My doggie is sad because I stick her in a purse, and she cannot breathe! I am a bad owner!”

Husband and wife look at each other in agreement.

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “So there you have it. The show today was stupid, and Samantha and I did not like it at all. We give it a -42 for being boring and not having any coloring, chocolate milk, or random murders.”

The review finished, Samantha claps her hands together.

Samantha (smiling): “Review over! Now it is time for reader mail! Yea!”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking at his wife in surprise): “What a great idea, Samantha! You are so smart! Yes, it is mail time!”

Distant Sinister Voice (exasperated): “No, it’s not.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha (singing): “We get letters! We get letters! We get lots and lots of letters!”

Evil Crazy EJ (reading): “Our first question comes from Cat. Dear Samantha and Evil Crazy EJ, why did you attack Nicole with a saucer?”

Puzzled, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha look at each other.

Evil Crazy EJ (wondering): “What else would I hit her with? A spoon?”

Samantha (laughing): “Silly question!”

Evil Crazy EJ (reading again): “Our second question comes from Tricky via Virgie. Dear Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha, who let Pansy EJ out of his cage?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Excellent question.”

Samantha (explaining): “My husband and I had been wondering the same thing. First we suspected that our minions at Lowe’s the Home Improvement Place did not appreciate the extra dollar we bribed them with and sabotaged the cage, but it passed a full inspection. Then we thought Hello Kitty might have fallen to Stockholm syndrome and become a traitor, a willing disciple of goodness. However, we shared this concern with Evil EJ, and she was able to avoid an unpleasant trip in the washing machine after a complete investigation. So Good EJ is out of his cage because he has a magic hat.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Evil EJ explained to us that Good EJ escapes with a magic hat to be all pansyish. It must be invisible because we have not seen him wearing it.”



No, I said he gets out by writer fiat. TPTB want it, so it happens. And what are you two doing?!



Hi, Evil EJ! Samantha and I are done with the review so we are answering reader questions!



Ah, yes, your “review.” I hardly think what you two did qualifies as a survey of today’s episode.

Evil Crazy EJ (angry): “We think it is a review!”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Really. Then you won’t mind if I do not take you to McDonald’s with me while Gray EJ and Hero EJ spend time with our beloved and the twins.”

Shocked, Samantha and Evil Crazy EJ look at Evil EJ.

Samantha (gasping in horror): “You promised! You said you would take us to get Happy Meals for dinner!”

Evil Crazy EJ (eyes widened): “Samantha is stunned at your cruelty, Evil EJ. We were good today just like you asked us to be! We did not even try to draw on the important legal papers you invitingly leave in your briefcase! How could you lie to us?”

Evil EJ (gesturing easily): “Oh, how could I possibly uphold my word with someone who refuses to do the same?”

Samantha (pouting): “Evil EJ is mean! Why is he so smart?”

Evil Crazy EJ (glaring): “True evil is very intelligent, Samantha. He has us. We have to do the review now.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Quite. Now get to it for real this time, and perhaps we can swing by Target on the way home. I’m sure Samantha would like to look at their dress collection.”

Samantha (hugging Evil Crazy EJ): “Yes! New fall fashions! Please?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding at his wife): “Samantha and I agree. We will start now.”

Evil EJ (leaving): “Good. I’ll leave you two to it. Have fun.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha reluctantly begin their review.



The DiMera mansion is actually much nicer than this. We are not sure why they keep showing this old photo for it.



“Nicole, I can't help but be attracted to you. It's a matter of biology.” By that Good EJ means that he’d like to dissect Nicole with a rusty paring knife, but he is too scared. Pansy!



Samantha thinks Sami looks very pretty here! Nice hair and makeup, and beautiful lavender top! She also says Nicole looks like she forgot to finish getting dressed.



We hate Nicole for many reasons, but we especially do not like her choice of beverage. Why would you not have chocolate milk in the morning?



Even Pansy Good EJ does not like this episode. That is how stupid it is!



“Just tell me what the hell you're thinking standing here talking to her when you should be fighting for our daughter.” He does not think, Sami! Good EJ has no brain!
“That's a bit of a flip-flop. Don't you think, Samantha? As soon as it serves the occasion, suddenly Ali’s my child as well?” Samantha says both babies are Evil EJ’s!
“I thought you felt like she was your daughter all along, actually, EJ. You always told me how you love her just as much as you love Johnny, or were you lying about that, too?” Evil EJ, Hero EJ, and Gray EJ would not lie about that. We cannot vouch for dumb Good EJ here.
“Samantha, this is about you and your feelings. You've always rubbed my nose in the fact that Ali is not mine, that she's Lucas' daughter.” That does not matter! Baby Ali needs your help now!
“I wish I could change the channel. Isn't there anything better on?” Samantha says the show should not break the fourth wall when it is this awful as it only highlights how boring this plot is.
“And now what, hmm? You think you can just come over here and manipulate me into some kind of action?” Someone has to do something, Good EJ! You just sit around being good and stupid.
“And, Samantha, if you were under the impression that I can get you back custody of Ali, you're wrong. Lucas has rights. You might not like it, but that's the law.” We do not care about dumb laws, Good EJ! Evil EJ is not bound by any rule of man!
“How can you be so cavalier about this?” Good EJ is not very bright, Sami.
“How can you be so outraged about it, Samantha? Hmm? It's not the end of the world. You're sharing custody of your daughter with her father. It's not like you're never gonna see her again, okay?” Lucas tried to kill Evil EJ, and he is even stupider than Good EJ! He will forget to give Baby Ali food! Someone must save her!



Good EJ is really just mad that Sami and Nicole broke all his nice crayons.



“I got John Black who's starting a war against Tony and me for control of the DiMera fortune. I got my father hold up in the back there about to unleash hell at any given moment. My life, Samantha, has been turned upside down!” and “My point, if it is not incredibly clear, is that I don't have time to deal with either of your problems. Just take a deep breath, all right, relax, and leave me out.” Samantha thinks that Good EJ should be happy his daddy is okay, not complaining. And why not ask him for help since he is smart and evil? Because Good EJ is too stupid to do so! Blinded by goodness! Evil EJ would take advantage of every available resource to protect his family, and he would not complain like a loser about it either.



“Go ahead and focus on your spoiled little life and your really ‘difficult’ problems while I go rescue my daughter without your assistance.” Samantha believes that our daddy being awake upstairs would be a problem that concerns Sami, but apparently Sami is too busy being mean to Good EJ to see that.
“Samantha, if you are about to do something monumentally stupid, I suggest you reconsider.” We do not think the writing will let you or Sami do anything not stupid, Good EJ.
“So that I could what, be more passive and ineffectual like you?” Yes! Good EJ does nothing! He is no help at all!
“The judge made a ruling, okay? That's the end of it.” Only because you are a girl! Evil EJ would so do many more things. He is smart!
“Look, I understand that this is difficult for you, okay? But like I said, Samantha, it's not the end of the world, all right? So you're just gonna have to...be strong.” And like Evil EJ says, strength comes from power, which you do not have, stupid Good EJ.



Samantha says Good EJ really should not talk to himself as it is a sign that you are crazy. Also, Good EJ needs to lock the front door. People should not be able to wander in and out of the house, or they will take your toys.



We think the bear is very cute! Why he is yellow we are not sure about. We also do not know why Lucas has turned Baby Ali into a hippie.



This is none of Nicole’s business! If she keeps this up, Evil EJ said he will find a way around the writing and stab her to death himself. He also said we will get to keep Pookie and give her a new name like Creeping Death or Cupcake.



Samantha says she misses Officer Chuck.



And we both miss Evil EJ on screen! He would fix everything! He would kill everyone there except Sami and Baby Ali, and everyone would live happily ever after! Samantha says that the show is stupid for favoring Good EJ instead. And our grade is still -42.

The review completed, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha look at each other thoughtfully.

Samantha (considering): “The cage is no help with Good EJ’s magic hat. We are going to have to deal with him somehow. Even if Evil EJ won’t let us kill him.”

Evil Crazy EJ (on the same page): "Yes, Samantha, we are going to have to figure out a way to neutralize his horrible sticky goodness.”

Samantha (getting up with her husband): “Maybe we can take out some of his insides and sell them online? If Good EJ needs machine friends to keep him alive, he will have to stay in bed, so Evil EJ can be the EJ on the show.”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing his wife on the cheek): “Brilliant idea, sweetheart! We can ask Evil EJ if that would be alive enough. You are so smart!”

Samantha (beaming): “Thank you for the compliment! You’re so sweet, Evil Crazy EJ!”

Samantha (winking at her husband): “Race you! Last place gets the less fun Happy Meal toy!”

Giggling, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha run out of the room to go see Evil EJ.

Evil EJ Reviews Monday, September 8th, 2008

“Yes? Carpe? Slow down, darling, you’re even more incoherent than usual. No, I haven’t watched the show yet, I had to take Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha to Best Buy to pre-order the new album by that insipid band you three like. Yes. Yes, I am going to insult Metallica in front of you, and I-wait, what? Again? Damn. No, no, don’t apologize, I understand. I’ll take care of it. This requires a firm hand. You’re welcome. I’ll talk to you again soon. Goodbye.”



So I hear due to the “writing,” and I use the word extremely loosely, my unfortunate better half is currently infecting the show with his insidious goodness and unwavering stupidity. Let’s survey the damage, shall we?



I see that in order to better camouflage himself, my archnemesis has attempted to imitate my dress and facial hair. But it’s not going to work, Good EJ. The vacant look in your eyes gives you away, not to mention the weak body language.



“The reality of the situation is that you and Lucas are no longer together. The judge took everything under consideration, and he decided to award joint custody. You don't have a choice but to comply with the court's decision.” Yes, because we care so much about laws, don’t we, Pansy EJ? Upright citizen fulfilling the bare minimum that is expected of us in order to maintain the thin veneer of an excuse we call civilization, eh?
“I understand the concept of sharing custody, okay? That is not what I am fighting about. Just...the idea of packing her up and carting her off. It's just not right. I have a terrible feeling about this.” Ah, yes, let’s borrow dialogue from Star Wars because George Lucas is known for his wonderful cadence, isn’t he?



“Look, Samantha, I understand this is difficult for you, but it's not like you lost complete custody of Ali. I think the judge's decision was fair.” You would, you pathetic maggot.
“Well, I don't. I have a really bad feeling about this. I have a bad feeling about her being taken away from me, even for a weekend.” As well you should, Samantha.
“Okay, but you need to understand-this is out of your hands.” Only because you have feet of clay.
“No, it's not. I'm not being unrealistic here. I am being cautious, and I don't understand why people can't see that.” They are weak, unwilling to protect what’s theirs.
“Well, frankly, I don't think that anybody quite understands where you're coming from.” I do, and I’m more than certain the audience does. Try to keep up, old chap.
“It's about doing what's best for her. And I don't think taking her away from everything that is familiar to her is what's best, especially the way it's happening-pulling her away from all this stuff so harshly. I just think she won't understand.” An entirely logical and valid concern.
“I think she's more like her mother than you think.” She’s wonderful.
“Well, that's not exactly comforting. I mean, look what happened to me in my childhood, with my fathers coming and going with no reasonable explanation. My mom was taken from me and then miraculously brought back. All of that completely messed me up. I wasn't exactly a poster teen for mental health.” If you had been, you wouldn’t be the woman we love, sweetheart.
“Samantha, if you don't want to upset her, just do your part. She'll take a cue from you, you know? It's about time you start trying to make things better instead of making them worse.” Indecent cretin. That is your job as the head of the household. We protect our woman and our offspring.
“What is that supposed to mean? What exactly could I have done to make things better?” How about kneeing Little Miss Sunshine here in the groin?
“Well, to start off with, you could have stayed married to me.” Oh, the pantywaist thinks he can go there, does he?



“What I mean is, I think things would have turned out differently if you and I were still married.” The demo wouldn’t have dropped to 1.2 again, that’s for certain.
“How would being married to you have helped my case?” Him? Not all. Me? In every way conceivable.
“Besides, I don't need you or Lucas. I can take care of and provide for my children all by myself.” It’s a nice sentiment, my dear, but a very unrealistic one.
“How? Samantha, you don't have any viable income. You don't have a permanent residence.” Don’t forget the horribly spotty job history.
“Not to mention the fact that Lucas is an ex-con, for God's sake. I'm sure the judge really considered that little gem.” If I were in charge, the judge would have only had to consider which ocean he would have his private island surrounded by.
“The judge would have to consider that little gem, but he would also have to consider things like the difficulties that you had with Will.” Let’s not think about young William more than we have to, shall we?



“You need to be realistic. This is about the most natural thing in the world.” Nature is for us to rise above, Pansy EJ.
“What is?” Exactly, darling.
“Two parents who don't live together coming together to raise their child. I don't know why you can't understand that.” She understands just fine. She just doesn’t agree, you patronizing git.
“Look, I don't care what you say. I'm not giving her up. I won't do it.” As well you shouldn’t, Samantha.
“Samantha, Lucas is her father.” Yes, let’s acknowledge the “rightful” place of the worthless loser who nearly murdered us and left Ali to wander outside by herself.
“Samantha, I couldn't love Ali any more if she were my own, you know? That's why I went to such great lengths to try and keep our family together.” And by “I” you mean me, Strawberry Shortcake.
“Oh, that's right. By lying about the annulment and getting a court order so that I can't leave this nuthouse with my son.” Our home is not a mental institution, sweetheart.
“Samantha, I did those things to help you.” Of course we did!
“To help me? Have you lost your mind? You think it was helping me to keep me held hostage here? I still can't take my son out of this house. Do you realize how twisted that is?” But in such a wonderful way. Johnny, you, us. One happy evil family.
“Samantha, my motivation has always been you, doing what I can to protect those that I love.” Yes, we did what was necessary.
“That is not love, EJ. That is control. You think I'm a control freak? You are the worst.” Ah, but my dear, love is control. I would think you would know that by now.



“Ali's a baby. I'm her mother. No judge in the world is gonna take her away from me.” Not if I had anything to say about it, anyway.
“The second thing is that after you file, you need to be a perfect model citizen, which means not plotting and scheming. Don't give me that innocent look.” Why don’t you ask our beloved not to breathe too, cupcake?
“What do you expect me to do-just wait around for the courts to decide what's best? It could take months for them to sort out this mess.” All the more reason to take matters into your own hands, sweetheart.
“All right. After you file, you need to understand that every move that you make- everything that you do-is going to be subject to the scrutiny of the courts. I know how you are...and I'm telling you-I'm not gonna have you pulling any of these stunts around Johnny.” Oh yes, heaven forbid our son get a head start on learning the manipulative skills he needs.
“No. I'm telling you you need to remain focused and you need to act responsibly. And if you don't...you're gonna force me to choose Johnny over you.” Idle threats from someone as timid as you are, Pansy EJ, not that you should ever say that to our Samantha anyway. We do not compromise on our family. Ever.



If only my father were to have inappropriately have shown up here. That would have clarified things rather quickly. Alas. Off at the links again, I suppose.



“The judge called. You knew this was coming, Samantha. Lucas' official time with Ali starts now. You have to let her go.” No one makes our Samantha do anything but us. Situations like these are why firearms were invented.



You do know that instead of attempting to comfort Samantha and then leaving her to her own devices which will inevitably fail, you could take matters into your own hands and fix this entire situation. But that would be wrong, and we can’t do anything even slightly bad now, can we? You inflexible worm.



Here we are at the end of today's show, and after such a sickening travesty of supposed "justice," even I need a drink. In summary, my beloved Samantha is currently performing her best impersonation of a thirteen year old girl, and we are an impotent brain dead automaton. Lovely. Thank you, Good EJ, and thank you, Dena, for such a stunning display of storytelling ineptitude. Keep it up, my dear, and you won’t have a show to ruin.

Key to My Heart

EJ has invited Nicole to a romantic dinner at the DiMansion. Dressed to the hilt, Nicole takes this as a sign that their relationship is finally progressing in a positive direction. EJ opens the door for her as soon as she arrives.

EJ (appreciating her dress): “Stunning, simply stunning. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

Nicole (winking): “Calm down, big boy. Save the excitement for later. You look nice as well-I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in an all black suit before.”

EJ (smiling): "It’s a good color on me, don't you think?

Nicole (looking him up and down): “Yes, that and the scruff. Oooh, sinister.”

EJ (nicely): “Well, I wouldn’t read anything into it."

Nicole (smiling back): “So where is everyone?”

EJ (idly): “After he prepared our food, Rolf took the rest of the night off, and everyone else has kindly agreed to stay away for the evening. It’s just the two of us.”

Nicole (squealing): “Just the way I like it.”

EJ shows Nicole to the dining room, and they have a lovely dinner. She comments on how good the food is, and EJ agrees. Afterward, Nicole is ready for action. She comes over to EJ and sits on his lap, pawing his shoulders. Looking at her, EJ sits in his chair and grins.

EJ (tilting his head): "Do you really want to do this?"

Nicole (seductively): "Baby, I've wanted to do this for a long time."

EJ (considering): "Well, if that's how you'd like to spend the last thirty minutes, I might as well oblige you."

Nicole (wondering): "Thirty minutes?"

EJ (explaining): "Oh, did I fail to mention that? This is going to be our first and last date."

Nicole (removing her hands from him): "EJ, stop kidding around."

EJ (calmly): "Do I look like I’m joking, darling?"

Nicole (concerned): "Okay, you're scaring me. What do you mean by thirty minutes?"

EJ (thinking): "Well, it’s more like twenty-eight now."

Nicole (worried): "Come on, EJ. This isn’t funny."

EJ (disagreeing): "I find it rather amusing actually. But very well. That's how long the sodium/potassium pump in your cells will continue to function. Heart failure is an insidious killer and rather overlooked in women."

Horrified, Nicole stands up.

Nicole (apprehensively): "What the hell are you talking about?"

EJ checks his watch.

EJ (clarifying for her): "Due to what your dinner was laced with, in approximately twenty-six minutes you will no longer be among us."

Realizing what EJ has just told her, Nicole panics and starts flailing at EJ.

Nicole (freaked out): "You bastard! How could you?! You can't kill me!"

EJ (amused): "I eliminate people very well, thank you. And my dear, it's not as if anyone would actually miss you."

Nicole desperately stops hitting EJ and grabs hold of him.

Nicole (imploring): "Pookie would! She really, really would! She’d be alone in the world!"

EJ (rolling his eyes): "I’m sure something can be arranged."

EJ smirks sinisterly.

Nicole (screaming): "No, not Pookie too! No, no! EJ, you can’t do this! Please! I'll do anything!"

EJ (raising his eyebrow): "Anything?"

Nicole (shaking): "Anything! Yes, please, anything!"

EJ (pretending to think): "Well...I suppose someone might have thought of this eventuality and happened to have the correct antidote on hand."

Nicole (hysterical): "Yes, yes, yes! Give it to me!"

EJ looks at his watch.

EJ (calculating): "You have at least another nineteen minutes...assuming I estimated your height and weight correctly."

Nicole looks at EJ as though he’s insane.

Nicole (recoiling): "What in the hell is wrong with you?"

EJ (indignantly): "Me? Nothing. I’m not the one in the early stages of heart failure."

Nicole (losing it): "GIVE IT TO ME!"

Nicole tries to fight EJ, but EJ easily takes hold of her neck and chokes her as he stands.

EJ (whispering threateningly): "Define anything."

Nicole (sputtering): "Anything anything! I mean anything!"

EJ (eyes lighting up): "Promise? Cross your heart and hope to die?"

EJ snickers as Nicole stares at him in terror.

Nicole (petrified): "YES YES YES YOU SICK BASTARD ANYTHING!!!"

EJ looks at her darkly.

EJ (smirking): "Very well."

EJ lets go of Nicole and removes a vial from beneath his suit jacket.

EJ (shaking the antidote): "I had to have this specially flown in from Uruguay."

Nicole (irate): "That’s fascinating, EJ-now give it to me!"

EJ (looking at her): "We've got at least ten minutes to get specific about anything."

Nicole (begging): "Please, EJ, I’d negotiate so much better if I didn’t have to worry about my heart exploding, please."

EJ glares at Nicole.

EJ (irritated): “It’s not going to explode, sweetheart. Do you even know how your heart works?"

Nicole (crying): "Please, EJ…please, please EJ, please."

EJ (glancing at watch): "I suppose. After all, this is estimation and not exact science."

EJ offhandedly tosses the vial to Nicole. Completely surprised, Nicole barely catches it. She frantically downs it and relaxes after she does while EJ considers her.

EJ (informatively): "I only ordered one."

Nicole stares at him disbelievingly.

Nicole (eyes widening): "You mean if I wouldn’t have caught it-"

Smiling, EJ looks at his watch.

EJ (gesturing widely): "Oh come on, you can do so much in five minutes."

Swallowing hard, Nicole slowly backs away from EJ as she thinks.

Nicole (trying to process): "You're insane, you know that? I can't-I can't believe you just did that…EJ, what are you?"

EJ walks up to her.

EJ (coldly): "I told you. I'm a DiMera."

His gaze hardens.

EJ (commanding):"Kneel."

Nicole (dumfounded): "What?"

EJ (eyes blazing): "I said kneel."

Aware that she is in no position to do otherwise, Nicole obeys. EJ leans down and grabs her by the hair, pulling her head up to look at him.

EJ (harshly): "As you are to Pookie, I am to you, except without all the love and photographs, you got that?"

Once Nicole nods in fear, EJ smiles.

EJ (sincerely): "Excellent. I’m glad we understand one another."

EJ steps back, and Nicole gets up on her own.

Nicole (unsure): "And that means..."

EJ (smirking): "It means what I want it to mean. I'll call you. Now get out of my house before I make you get out."

Nicole (already running away): "You don’t have to tell me twice!"

EJ watches Nicole scurry away. Satisfied, he sits down at the table and finishes his drink.

EJ (to himself): “I guess you could say I broke her heart, eh?”

He throws his head back and laughs.

Local Salem Commercial Break

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