Ah, Spring. When young Carpe’s mind turns to new hot guys, new handbags at Louis Vuitton, and new slight possibilities of her soap not sucking. So put on your spacesuit, hand the conductor your ticket, and try not to drool at Jimmy too much as we take the Space Train to the universe that is Days of our Lives.
Some Wednesday? I dunno, it’s been a while
“Because I trust you implicitly” and “You see, Melanie, you are completely disposable.” Hey, I remember this guy. There’s even inappropriate touching that brings to mind slicing up her skin! “I'm an extremely patient man” and “I admire your tenacity, Melanie.” Or do I? Patience and complements…hmmm…nope. Not him. So close, but truly the devil is in the details, eh? So let’s see…too dark to be Good or Gray EJ yet not smart enough to be Evil EJ. And my boy doesn’t think he’s coaching the Knicks either. So I dub thee Diet Evil EJ. Now more like real Evil EJ, and available wherever almost right but not quite imitations of your favorite soap leading man are shown.
“How’s my favorite girl?” Be afraid, Ali. Be very afraid!
I’m still annoyed at you James, but the veneers look nice and will help your career.
See, this is what happens when only 20 people live in your village. I’m supposed to believe Philip doesn’t have anything better to do.
Stuck in a crappy love triangle? Want to be comforted by a random old person? Call 1-800-THIS-SUCKS.
Hey, Lucas and I are on the same page here! That’s how I feel about your “story” too.
Seriously the hair is totally a -2 to EJ’s hotness.
Day after whatever that was
“Really? What do you propose we do, huh? Duel? Fine! Dance off, right here, right now!”
“Of course you lost, princess. Your father never forced you to take ballet in order to improve your agility and gross motor skills, did he?”
“When this clears...you're going to understand that it was the way you treated - or I should say 'mistreated' - Miss Layton that caused this. You insulted her. And then you fired her. And now you expect her to do business with you. That is arrogant.” Hey, this is like when Evil EJ came to Willow’s defense when Nick was bothering her! You mean to tell me someone’s actually done their homework and remembers EJ’s chivalry?!! Damn. An actual writer. Nice work. Now who are you, and what the hell took you so long?
I’m sorry your whole brother relationship with EJ was trashed, Tony, but personally, it’s worth it to hear “I am the chosen son. He trusts my judgment. If he didn't, he wouldn't have put me in this position” and “I am the golden child” come out of EJ’s mouth. We’ve been saying it for some time, so it’s gratifying to have the show finally validate what was obvious yet never stated explicitly.
And the next
Ah, my favorite sociopath father and brainwashed son pair.
“You know something, father?” “Hmm?” “You should be more careful. All of that faith and trust you have in me-well, I might get overconfident.” “You are.” Indeed. But that’s the previous writing more than anything. Glad to see you supporting EJ, Stefano.
“Father, she's about as greedy as they come.”
“Bulls make money, bears make money, pigs get slaughtered!”
“It's something altogether different, Elvis. It's a metaphor, if you will, like an American cliché. It is like the young girl who is a cheerleader in high school. See? So, in order to make the football captain jealous, she dates the valedictorian.” I see what you’re saying, Stefano, but I gave up on Heroes after this last arc.
“Oh, I feel so cheap.” “Mm. You think this is funny, huh?” Well, it’s not his A material, but I admit I laughed. Sheesh, I might actually have a joke for the next funny montage? I think I need to lie down.
“I made it very, very clear to her that if she crosses us, there's no happy ending for her.” Damn right. “I did. I threatened an orphan, a girl young enough to be your granddaughter. I thought that you would be quite proud of me.” “Well, you know something, don't worry about it because it will be good for her. It will make her feel like a grown-up.” Now that’s what I’m talking about. That’s Stefano and Elvis DiMera. Good work, unknown writer person.
Maybe it’s just me, but the whole DiMera vs. Brady feud thing kinda loses its luster when you realize the whole thing could have been won by “accidentally” spilling some cyanide into the food here years ago.
“I do not see what the hell you are so angry about.” “Are you really that dense, hmm?” Bwa! “In love, as well as business, it is not a good idea to deal with somebody who holds the trump card, huh? And it is no good for your relationship for Nicole to think that she has the upper hand.” What does it say about Ejole when a sociopath offers the best advice? “Let me just make one thing very clear. I'm marrying Nicole because I love Nicole. I'm not doing it because I don't trust her.” Like I said, Diet Evil EJ. Evil EJ does not love Nicole. Now, I don’t think Diet Evil EJ really does either, but he wants to, and that’s disgusting.
I fell into a burning ring of fire I went down, down, down And the flames went higher And it burns, burns, burns The ring of fire
Hey, Days, um, your audience is largely female. We wanna see guys fight. And I don’t Strawberry Shortcake is going to be too happy when she gets home and sees that Melanie is living in her house.
Chloe, you knew this could happen when you let Lucas use your flat iron unsupervised.
“You know what I love about men? They push you around and make sure you do what they want when they want it, or you're gonna be in big trouble. But then once you do it, they get all protective over you, like they're not so bad, after all. It's like leaving an extra $20 on the nightstand. You know what I mean?” No, I don’t, Show. Quit implying all guys are johns. “I don't feel sorry for myself. I can't afford to. It's a man's world out there. I get that. My father taught that to me young and often. I accept it. Doesn't mean I have to like it.” Days, again, soaps are for women. “Touché.” No, Diet Evil EJ, not touché! See, this is what I’m talking about. It’s not that I think EJ should be infallible, that he can’t concede a point to Melanie–it’s that I don’t think some silly analogy between prostitution and women’s struggles throughout history would do it. Lame.
“No one can love you as much as I do, Sydney, no one. That's why I'm doing this for you and for your daddy.” You know, I really think Nicole’s cheese might have slipped off its cracker. It’s never a good sign when you’re buying what you’re selling.
“Tell you something, young lady. I'm gonna put you away in a tower. You're never gonna see any boys.” Ah, now that’s an Evil EJ line.
“What the fudge are you doing?!!”
“I was just looking to pawn off Sami’s baby as my own.”
“It’s totally distracting!”
“But I was just trying to hide my miscarriage, EJ!”
“Than why the heck are you walking right through all da-da-da like this with Brady in the background? I’m trying to get through this stupid plot, you idiot! Are you an interloper or not?”
Here I thought there was nothing worse than EJ being volcanically out of character, but that hat has proven me wrong. Not much to say for this episode besides that EJ calling Nicole sweetheart over and over does take the ring out of it. Le sigh. Perhaps he can call Sami baby doll or some such now?
Now that’s more like it. He idiotically may not want to, but Diet Evil EJ loves Sami.
And Sami loves him, less than 100% evil and intelligence aside.
Nicole, you’ve only decided to go after a man who loves your archnemesis, steal their secret daughter, and pass her off as your own. Gee, how could this possibly go wrong?
“‘An ethical threat’? What-okay, what is an ethical threat? I don't even know what that is.” Bad moral influence, methinks. And if that was a joke attempt, try harder. Anyway, this was well written, but since it’s Diet Evil EJ being a tool about Nicole, not much to add here.
I see bad hair now apparently runs in the family.
“Every single night, okay, when I put Johnny to bed, I would show him a picture of you.” Awwww. “Samantha, Johnny is never going to forget about you. The kid loves you with all his heart. You mean the world to your children. They adore you, as well they should.” And by them, you mean you.
Man, I don’t watch in order to protest the writing for a few months, and look at what happens. Jenkins? Where’s Chuck?
“WHAT HAS MOM DONE NOW?!!” Ah, it never gets old.
“Magic? Oh, okay. That's fine. I'm a big fan of magic.” Ejami is magic! “Samantha, I don't need to get Johnny out of the house to spend time with Sydney. And let's, just to be clear - I'm not saying you're suggesting it - Johnny is never gonna be shunted aside for any reason.” Except when the plot demands it like this whole secret baby thing. “He missed his mother. When you were away, there was a certain sadness in his eyes.” And in yours. “I know that coming home and seeing the kids has made you very emotional, but you also seem sad.” Oh, Diet Evil EJ reads Sami more like regular Evil EJ!
“I cannot believe how late it is. It is so past their bedtime.” “Johnny and I are pretty used to staying up and watching the late-night talk shows, aren't we, big fella?” Now that’s how you unobtrusively plug Jimmy Fallon, Days. Nice.
“Maybe I shouldn't marry Nicole. I have an idea. What if I made her worst nightmare come true...and married you?” “Right. That's what I want more than anything, especially since it worked so well the last time.” Yeah, it did. Check the ratings. “You're the father of my children.” 3 out of 4! And if you had been around back then, it would be 4 for 4. “Oh, really? Did I miss something?” More like do you catch anything, Diet Evil EJ? “Samantha, when you were away, did something happen to you, something I don't know about?” Insert uncontrollable rage here. “I know that. I mean, if you saw her doing something to hurt him, I'm sure you would stop her, but you don't see it.” I cannot imagine a scenario where it would be to Nicole’s advantage to hurt Johnny. “Just like you can't see the truth about your father.” What part of brainwashed to be a living weapon is so hard to understand? “Oh, let's just say I'm a little bit more wiser to him than I was.” Yeah, right. That’s how this mental stuff works. Just when you think you’ve searched the apartment, you find out there’s more floors to the building. “But you think it's okay for Johnny to live there in that house.” “That house? Samantha, it's a house, okay?” It’s a mansion! “Samantha, you don't need to worry about me.” Evil EJ? No. You? Yeah, she better. “Because a part of me will always love you.” A part that’s 100%.
“Oh, I'll take what I can get. I thought you flat-out hated me.” And this kiddies, is why nearly everything since June 30th of last year was complete garbage. Take an unneeded break of several months just to have this convo again? How many times have we been here? Twenty? “No, I don't hate you, but the fact that I care about you has never made me blind to the fact that you're a DiMera and always will be” and “EJ, you can't put your guard down around them. You have to protect Johnny. You can't let him turn out like one of them.” Hey, unknown writer person, I really love all the work you’ve done these past three weeks, and how you’re making lemonade out of these lemons, but this is exactly my problem with how Ejami is written. Sami can’t have it both ways, and the show would be better off letting that go. Straddling that line is how this crap plot started in the first place.
“I think I know where that part is. I think it's the part of me that resisted my father when he was trying to turn me into, you know, ‘a DiMera.’” Sigh. First of all, clearly that didn’t work Mr. “I’m 30 yet still live with and work for my daddy”, secondly, heaven forbid Sami accept you as you truly are. “All right, that small part of you that I like is back.” Forget that. Embrace the evil. “Now, they have you and me in their corner, but whatever they do is up to them.” Unlike others who have been brainwashed, EJ isn’t interested in doing the same to his children. He has a big heart. “EJ, it's like I'm seeing a side of you that I never got the chance to meet.” No, no, NO! Would you like me to draw you a flowchart? “Well, you didn't really allow me to show it to you, Samantha.” BS. Seriously, Days. This was all very nice, but I’ve seen all of it before over and over and over. The carousel is getting old.
“See, that would be really hard to stomach, especially considering that you're here and your new fiancée and your new baby are, where are they, again?” It’s times like this that I miss Evil EJ the most.
“Hey, kids, you wanna get woken up right after you’ve just fallen asleep and play with a total stranger?”
Sorry, Bo, but I already have a favorite TV psychic.
“If I had a kid like Johnny with a mother like you, I certainly wouldn't be so concerned with pleasing my daddy.” “It's not like that.” “It's what you said.” “Yeah, well, I'm allowed to say things like that.” Ugh. Seriously. Conditioned since near birth? Hello? I mean, damn, no, this isn’t okay. EJ is not normal and cannot be normal. How dare you two bash him for it. Stefano would have cut his losses and drowned both of you before you were four.
“You seem a little bit touchy about Sami, especially for someone who's moved on. You see, I was there the night that you called to tell her that. Although she couldn't leave the house because someone was trying to kill her and she couldn't see her kids, you felt the need to keep her in the loop, fill her in on your latest romantic conquest.” That was the abominable writing, not EJ. “Well, I certainly don't owe you an explanation, but I'll give you one. Samantha and I share a son. Now, that means that I'm always going to be somewhat protective of her.” “Protective or possessive?” Ah, naïve little Rafe. With EJ, they’re the same thing. “I think you should go now.” And here’s your proof.
Evil EJ tends to be amused when other men kiss his woman as he’s secure in his ownership of her. Diet Evil EJ? Not so much apparently.
“He crossed a line, Roman. Both personally and professionally, he crossed a line.” “No, actually, EJ. That would be you.” It is what he does. “Okay, in simple terms-” “Oh, yeah, no, thanks. Be sure to dumb it down for me.” Again, it’s what he does. “In simple terms, I don't think it's appropriate for you to be having some kind of a relationship with your bodyguard.” Neither do I. He’s better than Lucas, but that’s not saying much. “You want me to calm down? How would you feel if you found out someone was spying on you?” It’s what he does! “This is not the point. My point is I'm trying to protect you.” Damn right. “And secondly, Rafe is a hell of a lot better man than any of the guys that I have been with in the last couple years that I thought I was so madly in love with. But it's too late to change history now, isn't it?” “You want to say that again?” Way to insult Lucas and EJ, show. “Samantha, your well-being affects our son, so I'm sorry, but I have a vested interest in whoever you're hooking up with.” "Hooking up with"? Could you be any less tasteful?” IT IS WHAT HE DOES! “Rafe risked his life for me. He almost got killed in the process. He was stabbed. Do you know that?” “I don't care.” No kidding. You are in the double digits for saving Sami’s life.
“The sooner he gets back to Washington, the better.” Diet Evil EJ, your attempt to stop Rafe is to file a complaint against his professionalism. This is why you’re Diet Evil EJ.
Aw. She’s so cute! I still don’t like Sydney’s or Grace’s names, however. Whatever happened to naming girls after Metallica songs?
“Have you kept a copy of that contract? I suggest you go and look for it if you can't find it. Because there's a section in there that deals with the returning of the cash advance” and “I can assure you that, um, pouting is not a particularly effective negotiating technique.” Hah. I have to say, Diet Evil EJ, while I’d prefer for you to break the law, bending it like this is pretty entertaining.
I didn’t watch any of this because, seriously, I really, really don’t care. We all know who’s currently paired with whom and who is going to be coupled next. From Ejole to Safe. Zzzzzzz.
“They're probably just sitting there swapping recipes, you know, or comparing prenups. They are being mature and selfless,” Ahaha! It’s okay, Stefano, I laughed too. And you’re allowed to laugh at your own jokes when they’re good.
“Father. Is there something that you're not telling me?” And this is why I love the Stefano and EJ dynamic so much. On the one hand, Stefano knows EJ’s extremely competent. On the other, Stefano also understands what exactly he had to do to EJ to make him that way…which means not being honest with him about things like having Nicole followed. It’s fascinating.
“Overall, B+. Not perfect, as Diet Evil EJ and the plot need some work, but infinitely better writing than what we had been getting until recently. So what do you think?”
“I gotta say, dawg, it was weak. I didn’t feel it. I mean, Kara didn’t even bother to show up for this way too long recap of yours, yo.” “It wasn’t your best. You had a lot of episodes to go through, and your voice seemed to get lost in all of it. You’re a good reviewer, and I know you worked really hard on this, but it just wasn’t your best. Not your best.” “Dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. You’re gone for who knows how long, and this is what you come up with? Barely any analysis and ripping off Late Night with Jimmy Fallon? Please. And I was going to give you credit for not plugging The Mentalist yet again, but you couldn’t help yourself, could you? Your loathsome crush on Patrick is clearly interfering with your devotion to Ejami. Simply awful.”