EJ has invited Nicole to a romantic dinner at the DiMansion. Dressed to the hilt, Nicole takes this as a sign that their relationship is finally progressing in a positive direction. EJ opens the door for her as soon as she arrives.
EJ (appreciating her dress): “Stunning, simply stunning. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”
Nicole (winking): “Calm down, big boy. Save the excitement for later. You look nice as well-I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in an all black suit before.”
EJ (smiling): "It’s a good color on me, don't you think?
Nicole (looking him up and down): “Yes, that and the scruff. Oooh, sinister.”
EJ (nicely): “Well, I wouldn’t read anything into it."
Nicole (smiling back): “So where is everyone?”
EJ (idly): “After he prepared our food, Rolf took the rest of the night off, and everyone else has kindly agreed to stay away for the evening. It’s just the two of us.”
Nicole (squealing): “Just the way I like it.”
EJ shows Nicole to the dining room, and they have a lovely dinner. She comments on how good the food is, and EJ agrees. Afterward, Nicole is ready for action. She comes over to EJ and sits on his lap, pawing his shoulders. Looking at her, EJ sits in his chair and grins.
EJ (tilting his head): "Do you really want to do this?"
Nicole (seductively): "Baby, I've wanted to do this for a long time."
EJ (considering): "Well, if that's how you'd like to spend the last thirty minutes, I might as well oblige you."
Nicole (wondering): "Thirty minutes?"
EJ (explaining): "Oh, did I fail to mention that? This is going to be our first and last date."
Nicole (removing her hands from him): "EJ, stop kidding around."
EJ (calmly): "Do I look like I’m joking, darling?"
Nicole (concerned): "Okay, you're scaring me. What do you mean by thirty minutes?"
EJ (thinking): "Well, it’s more like twenty-eight now."
Nicole (worried): "Come on, EJ. This isn’t funny."
EJ (disagreeing): "I find it rather amusing actually. But very well. That's how long the sodium/potassium pump in your cells will continue to function. Heart failure is an insidious killer and rather overlooked in women."
Horrified, Nicole stands up.
Nicole (apprehensively): "What the hell are you talking about?"
EJ checks his watch.
EJ (clarifying for her): "Due to what your dinner was laced with, in approximately twenty-six minutes you will no longer be among us."
Realizing what EJ has just told her, Nicole panics and starts flailing at EJ.
Nicole (freaked out): "You bastard! How could you?! You can't kill me!"
EJ (amused): "I eliminate people very well, thank you. And my dear, it's not as if anyone would actually miss you."
Nicole desperately stops hitting EJ and grabs hold of him.
Nicole (imploring): "Pookie would! She really, really would! She’d be alone in the world!"
EJ (rolling his eyes): "I’m sure something can be arranged."
EJ smirks sinisterly.
Nicole (screaming): "No, not Pookie too! No, no! EJ, you can’t do this! Please! I'll do anything!"
Laid off? Home in foreclosure? Creditors calling all day and night? Why despair when you can turn the tables and take back what’s yours by adopting a life of crime?
I know what you’re thinking, my dear. Evil EJ, I simply didn’t have the opportunity to be brainwashed into a living weapon for decades by an amoral sociopath. I’ve always wanted to embrace my inner villain, but where am I supposed to learn the fine art of crushing my enemies and hearing them scream before me? Believe me, I understand. Getting your own criminal empire off the ground is no simple endeavor, and that’s why I share my nefarious secrets in my new book, Evil for Dummies.
For only $19.95, you too can be the head of your own illegal cartel in less than a month. In a mere twenty one chapters, I explain the aspects you require to begin your decent into darkness, and as the title indicates, you need absolutely no previous knowledge or experience in evil-related subject matter. I assume you don’t know anything, which, let’s face it, is correct, isn’t it, sweetheart? Therefore, I give you the full background and numerous exercises you’ll require to craft your skills in all facets of evil, including:
• Threatening 101 • Introductory Scheming: Always Have a Back Door • The Fine Art of Delegation • Minions vs. Henchmen: Pros and Cons • Slaves: Still Practical In this Day and Age or an Unnecessary Expense? • Intermediate Scheming: Making Duress Work for You • Stalking and Obsession: Why It’s Not Optional • Psychological Manipulation: Others Are Who You Want Them to Be • Advanced Scheming: Beyond Blackmail • The DiMera Way: A Case Study • Evil EJ’s Top Ten Ways to Eliminate Someone
So stick it to the man, darling, and start honing your untoward skills today. Evil for Dummies is now available at a local retailer near you, online, or at my Used Vehicle Emporium at the corner of County Road E and Highway 65. Evil for Dummies. So simple even Lucas Horton could follow it.
“Or it won't be the only thing I break into a million pieces.” Oh, threats are sexy. “You don't know me very well, do you?” No, she does not. “I don't take very kindly to being blackmailed.” Of course not. That’s what you do. “No, Nicole. I do not trust you.” Excellent. “Nicole, I'm not interested in having fun with you.” Good.
Do the mansion swap!
“I just need allies, Lucas. It's as simple as that. My coup will never succeed otherwise.”
“I just think you're so insecure that you're only prepared to let yourself be vulnerable in a situation that you feel you can manipulate, that you can control,” “I'm not stopping you from being those things. The only person who's stopping you is you,” and “If you could just stop hiding behind all this, I think you'd find life a lot easier.” EJ, you better be going with this where I hope you’re going.
Grade: C-. Chucas had barely better chemistry than Ejole, and I’d prefer more threatening, less kissing with Nicole, please, EJ.