Hello! How is everyone today? Samantha and I are so happy to be here!
Yes! We want to thank Carpe for asking us to do the review!
Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Yes, Samantha, we are so lucky to get to review Metallica’s new album!”
Samantha (throwing her hands up in the air): “It is great! You need to buy it right away on Friday if you have not already had someone help you preorder it so it is there waiting for you when you go to the store. You can listen to part of it at Metallica.com, and there are songs about demons and death and killing people and selling your soul and monsters and the end of the world! And the best song is about coloring!”
Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “James Hetfield is truly a master lyrist to write so eloquently about our favorite activity.”
Samantha (singing): “I’ll end this day...I’ll splatter color on this gray”
What are you two doing?
Hi, Evil EJ! Samantha and I are doing the review we promised Carpe.
Evil EJ (irritated): “But Carpe did not ask you to review the new Metallica album, although I’m sure she appreciates another blatant plug for her favorite musical group. You and Samantha are supposed to be reviewing today’s show.”
Samantha (shaking her head): “I didn’t like it. It was stupid!”
Evil Crazy EJ (comforting his wife): “Samantha says it was dumb, so she does not want to talk about it. We decided to review ‘Death Magnetic’ instead.”
Evil EJ (patiently): “Unfortunately for you two, that’s not what you agreed to do. Now, get back to reviewing the episode, okay? You promised her you would do so. And I’ll know if you don’t.”
Trusting his best friend to listen to him, Evil EJ leaves Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha alone again in the room.
Evil Crazy EJ (annoyed): “Fine! Idiotic Carpe. It’s not like anyone reads these anyway, right, sweetheart?”
Samantha (sticking her tongue out): “Yes, but we will review the dumb show now, not that we want to.”
Evil Crazy EJ (mockingly): “I am Good EJ, and I am stupid. I cannot even read with my stupid glasses. That is how stupid I am. How I do not fall down from my stupidity I do not know.”
Samantha (sing song): “I am Nicole, and I am even dumber than Good EJ! My dress is ugly, and I get cold because it has no arms. My doggie is sad because I stick her in a purse, and she cannot breathe! I am a bad owner!”
Husband and wife look at each other in agreement.
Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “So there you have it. The show today was stupid, and Samantha and I did not like it at all. We give it a -42 for being boring and not having any coloring, chocolate milk, or random murders.”
The review finished, Samantha claps her hands together.
Samantha (smiling): “Review over! Now it is time for reader mail! Yea!”
Evil Crazy EJ (looking at his wife in surprise): “What a great idea, Samantha! You are so smart! Yes, it is mail time!”
Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha (singing): “We get letters! We get letters! We get lots and lots of letters!”
Evil Crazy EJ (reading): “Our first question comes from Cat. Dear Samantha and Evil Crazy EJ, why did you attack Nicole with a saucer?”
Puzzled, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha look at each other.
Evil Crazy EJ (wondering): “What else would I hit her with? A spoon?”
Samantha (laughing): “Silly question!”
Evil Crazy EJ (reading again): “Our second question comes from Tricky via Virgie. Dear Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha, who let Pansy EJ out of his cage?”
Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Excellent question.”
Samantha (explaining): “My husband and I had been wondering the same thing. First we suspected that our minions at Lowe’s the Home Improvement Place did not appreciate the extra dollar we bribed them with and sabotaged the cage, but it passed a full inspection. Then we thought Hello Kitty might have fallen to Stockholm syndrome and become a traitor, a willing disciple of goodness. However, we shared this concern with Evil EJ, and she was able to avoid an unpleasant trip in the washing machine after a complete investigation. So Good EJ is out of his cage because he has a magic hat.”
Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Evil EJ explained to us that Good EJ escapes with a magic hat to be all pansyish. It must be invisible because we have not seen him wearing it.”
No, I said he gets out by writer fiat. TPTB want it, so it happens. And what are you two doing?!
Hi, Evil EJ! Samantha and I are done with the review so we are answering reader questions!
Ah, yes, your “review.” I hardly think what you two did qualifies as a survey of today’s episode.
Evil Crazy EJ (angry): “We think it is a review!”
Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Really. Then you won’t mind if I do not take you to McDonald’s with me while Gray EJ and Hero EJ spend time with our beloved and the twins.”
Shocked, Samantha and Evil Crazy EJ look at Evil EJ.
Samantha (gasping in horror): “You promised! You said you would take us to get Happy Meals for dinner!”
Evil Crazy EJ (eyes widened): “Samantha is stunned at your cruelty, Evil EJ. We were good today just like you asked us to be! We did not even try to draw on the important legal papers you invitingly leave in your briefcase! How could you lie to us?”
Evil EJ (gesturing easily): “Oh, how could I possibly uphold my word with someone who refuses to do the same?”
Samantha (pouting): “Evil EJ is mean! Why is he so smart?”
Evil Crazy EJ (glaring): “True evil is very intelligent, Samantha. He has us. We have to do the review now.”
Evil EJ (smirking): “Quite. Now get to it for real this time, and perhaps we can swing by Target on the way home. I’m sure Samantha would like to look at their dress collection.”
Samantha (hugging Evil Crazy EJ): “Yes! New fall fashions! Please?”
Evil Crazy EJ (nodding at his wife): “Samantha and I agree. We will start now.”
Evil EJ (leaving): “Good. I’ll leave you two to it. Have fun.”
Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha reluctantly begin their review.
The DiMera mansion is actually much nicer than this. We are not sure why they keep showing this old photo for it.
“Nicole, I can't help but be attracted to you. It's a matter of biology.” By that Good EJ means that he’d like to dissect Nicole with a rusty paring knife, but he is too scared. Pansy!
Samantha thinks Sami looks very pretty here! Nice hair and makeup, and beautiful lavender top! She also says Nicole looks like she forgot to finish getting dressed.
We hate Nicole for many reasons, but we especially do not like her choice of beverage. Why would you not have chocolate milk in the morning?
Even Pansy Good EJ does not like this episode. That is how stupid it is!
“Just tell me what the hell you're thinking standing here talking to her when you should be fighting for our daughter.” He does not think, Sami! Good EJ has no brain! “That's a bit of a flip-flop. Don't you think, Samantha? As soon as it serves the occasion, suddenly Ali’s my child as well?” Samantha says both babies are Evil EJ’s! “I thought you felt like she was your daughter all along, actually, EJ. You always told me how you love her just as much as you love Johnny, or were you lying about that, too?” Evil EJ, Hero EJ, and Gray EJ would not lie about that. We cannot vouch for dumb Good EJ here. “Samantha, this is about you and your feelings. You've always rubbed my nose in the fact that Ali is not mine, that she's Lucas' daughter.” That does not matter! Baby Ali needs your help now! “I wish I could change the channel. Isn't there anything better on?” Samantha says the show should not break the fourth wall when it is this awful as it only highlights how boring this plot is. “And now what, hmm? You think you can just come over here and manipulate me into some kind of action?” Someone has to do something, Good EJ! You just sit around being good and stupid. “And, Samantha, if you were under the impression that I can get you back custody of Ali, you're wrong. Lucas has rights. You might not like it, but that's the law.” We do not care about dumb laws, Good EJ! Evil EJ is not bound by any rule of man! “How can you be so cavalier about this?” Good EJ is not very bright, Sami. “How can you be so outraged about it, Samantha? Hmm? It's not the end of the world. You're sharing custody of your daughter with her father. It's not like you're never gonna see her again, okay?” Lucas tried to kill Evil EJ, and he is even stupider than Good EJ! He will forget to give Baby Ali food! Someone must save her!
Good EJ is really just mad that Sami and Nicole broke all his nice crayons.
“I got John Black who's starting a war against Tony and me for control of the DiMera fortune. I got my father hold up in the back there about to unleash hell at any given moment. My life, Samantha, has been turned upside down!” and “My point, if it is not incredibly clear, is that I don't have time to deal with either of your problems. Just take a deep breath, all right, relax, and leave me out.” Samantha thinks that Good EJ should be happy his daddy is okay, not complaining. And why not ask him for help since he is smart and evil? Because Good EJ is too stupid to do so! Blinded by goodness! Evil EJ would take advantage of every available resource to protect his family, and he would not complain like a loser about it either.
“Go ahead and focus on your spoiled little life and your really ‘difficult’ problems while I go rescue my daughter without your assistance.” Samantha believes that our daddy being awake upstairs would be a problem that concerns Sami, but apparently Sami is too busy being mean to Good EJ to see that. “Samantha, if you are about to do something monumentally stupid, I suggest you reconsider.” We do not think the writing will let you or Sami do anything not stupid, Good EJ. “So that I could what, be more passive and ineffectual like you?” Yes! Good EJ does nothing! He is no help at all! “The judge made a ruling, okay? That's the end of it.” Only because you are a girl! Evil EJ would so do many more things. He is smart! “Look, I understand that this is difficult for you, okay? But like I said, Samantha, it's not the end of the world, all right? So you're just gonna have to...be strong.” And like Evil EJ says, strength comes from power, which you do not have, stupid Good EJ.
Samantha says Good EJ really should not talk to himself as it is a sign that you are crazy. Also, Good EJ needs to lock the front door. People should not be able to wander in and out of the house, or they will take your toys.
We think the bear is very cute! Why he is yellow we are not sure about. We also do not know why Lucas has turned Baby Ali into a hippie.
This is none of Nicole’s business! If she keeps this up, Evil EJ said he will find a way around the writing and stab her to death himself. He also said we will get to keep Pookie and give her a new name like Creeping Death or Cupcake.
Samantha says she misses Officer Chuck.
And we both miss Evil EJ on screen! He would fix everything! He would kill everyone there except Sami and Baby Ali, and everyone would live happily ever after! Samantha says that the show is stupid for favoring Good EJ instead. And our grade is still -42.
The review completed, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha look at each other thoughtfully.
Samantha (considering): “The cage is no help with Good EJ’s magic hat. We are going to have to deal with him somehow. Even if Evil EJ won’t let us kill him.”
Evil Crazy EJ (on the same page): "Yes, Samantha, we are going to have to figure out a way to neutralize his horrible sticky goodness.”
Samantha (getting up with her husband): “Maybe we can take out some of his insides and sell them online? If Good EJ needs machine friends to keep him alive, he will have to stay in bed, so Evil EJ can be the EJ on the show.”
Evil Crazy EJ (kissing his wife on the cheek): “Brilliant idea, sweetheart! We can ask Evil EJ if that would be alive enough. You are so smart!”
Samantha (beaming): “Thank you for the compliment! You’re so sweet, Evil Crazy EJ!”
Samantha (winking at her husband): “Race you! Last place gets the less fun Happy Meal toy!”
Giggling, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha run out of the room to go see Evil EJ.