The Inevitable Fallout

In one of the DiMansion’s many living rooms, Hero EJ comforts Robo EJ who is completely distraught over the loss of his child.

Robo EJ (heartbroken): “NO, ROBO BABY! NO! OH NO!”

Hero EJ (patting his shoulder): “I’m so sorry, Robo EJ.”

Robo EJ (throwing up his hands): “WHY THIS HAPPEN?!”

Hero EJ (sadly): “I don’t know for certain, but I can only assume the excess liquor ate away at Robo Baby’s developing exoskeleton.”

Robo EJ (disbelieving): “ROBO BABY INNOCENT!”

Hero EJ (trying to soften the blow): “Alas, most didn’t see it that way. Both the writing and the audience saw Robo Baby as the tie between us and Nicole…so that connection had to be severed.”

Robo EJ (lip quivering): “IT ALL ROBO EJ FAULT!”

Hero EJ (firmly): “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s Nicole’s for drinking so much, refusing to see a doctor, and pretending that everything was okay.”

Robo EJ (berating himself): “ROBO EJ CHOOSE POORLY! NICOLE BAD MOMMY!”

Hero EJ (unable to disagree with that point): “Yes, unfortunately, she was. I’m certain that ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ doesn’t recommend to sit down when you’re bleeding and call your ex-boyfriend instead of 911.”

Sinister Voice (savoring it): “Indeed. What proof would you say her amniotic fluid was? 80? No, probably more like 120.”

Hero EJ and Robo EJ look to see Evil EJ stride slowly into the room.

Hero EJ (accusing): “You knew. That’s why you didn’t do anything to Robo EJ after Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha brought him to you. You knew the show would punish him for you. You knew this would happen.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I’m sure that the Mars landers knew this was going to happen. Can’t have an Ejole baby with Ejami rooting couple now, can we?”

Hero EJ (disgusted): “And like the snake you are, you’re here to pour salt on the wound.”

Evil EJ smirks at Hero EJ.

Evil EJ (challenging): “Now, now. Such a small mind. Having been invigorated from a lovely tryst with my fair Samantha just now, I’m thinking more like lighter fluid.”

Hero EJ (getting up): “Not this time. I’m not going to let you.”

Evil EJ (amused): “As if I need your permission.”

Not in the mood for Evil EJ’s lack of decorum, Hero EJ grabs Evil EJ and slams him against the nearest wall. He then considers Evil EJ carefully when his opponent makes no move to retaliate.

Evil EJ (calmly): “Careful, avatar. Don’t want to break your manicure.”

Evil EJ (to Robo EJ): “You may be an overgrown toaster, but I was rather impressed with your initiative in going behind both of our backs and altering your programming yourself. Perhaps if you had asked for our assistance and took advantage of our expertise you would have gotten the ending you desired, eh?”

Robo EJ bursts into tears and sobs uncontrollably at the thought that he did not do everything he could to protect his child. Irate, Hero EJ glares at Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (furiously pointing): “That’s it. Your glib attitude is beyond inappropriate at a time like this.”

Evil EJ (continuing): “I had no idea you wanted to be a father so badly.”

Robo EJ (inconsolable): “NOW NEVER WILL!”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Oh, I wouldn’t say that.”

About to smack Evil EJ’s head against the wall, Hero EJ stops for a second as Evil EJ doesn’t flinch and only stares serenely back at him.

Calm Voice (nicely): “Someone would like to meet you, Robo EJ.”

Gray EJ walks into the room holding a newborn baby wearing a metal hat and wrapped in a metallic blanket.

Robo EJ (in shock): “WHA?!!”

Evil EJ (smugly): “Congratulations, Robo EJ. It’s a boy. You’re a father.”



Robo Baby: “BALAH1010101!”

Robo EJ (overjoyed): “ERNIE!!!”

Happy to see his daddy for the first time, Baby Ernie giggles.

Gray EJ (handing him over to Robo EJ): “Careful. The steel is still hardening in places.”

Robo EJ (now crying happy tears): “YOU OKAY! YOU OKAY!!!”

As Robo EJ takes Baby Ernie into his arms, Gray EJ smiles, and Hero EJ unhands Evil EJ and stares at him incredulously.

Hero EJ (jaw dropping): “What in the hell is wrong with you?!!”

Evil EJ (lighting up): “What isn’t?”

Hero EJ (flabbergasted): “You depraved worm! You made Robo EJ a zombie baby?!!”

Evil EJ (genuinely insulted): “I wouldn’t give that walking corpse the time of day much less his own decaying offspring. Robo Baby never died-he was cryogenically frozen the very instant it was possible to do so. What else do I pay my minions for? Young Ernie is one hundred percent the child Nicole was carrying.”

Gray EJ stares at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (admitting as he crosses his arms): “All right, more like 47.6%, but between the incomplete human-cyborg fusion and the alcohol damage we had quite a few gaps to fill.”

Hero EJ (wondering): “How did you manage this without me?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Oh, someone thinks he’s important. Gray EJ here more than made up for your insignificant contribution to my work. What he lacks in probability alteration he more than makes up for in moral ambiguity.”

Hero EJ (forcefully): “And between the two of you there was no one there to point out the problem with trying to play God.”

Evil EJ (darkly): “Who’s trying? I don’t try anything. I just do it.”

Gray EJ (stepping between them): “Okay, calm down, you two. There’s a baby in the room. The bottom line is that this story should have never been greenlit in the first place.”

Evil EJ (seriously): “Precisely. Women watch soaps for escapist fantasy, and a miscarriage is a tragedy. It’s an experience that none of them wish to relive, so highlighting one on this show is exceedingly cruel.”

Hero EJ (warily): “All true, but that doesn’t give you the right to do anything to Robo Baby.”

Evil EJ (unconcerned): “Why not? We compensated for the blood loss, removed all the alcohol damage, appropriately SORASed him, and conducted beta testing with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha playing with him in a supervised environment. We even removed all of Nicole’s worthless genes and substituted a cyborg-phillic variant of Samantha’s DNA instead, with her freely given consent of course.”

Hero EJ (surprised at Evil EJ’s foresight): “Really?”

Evil EJ (secure in his brilliance): “Ask her yourself when you go back to stand vigil on her and her idiot handler.”

Unsure, Hero EJ looks at Gray EJ for confirmation.

Gray EJ (nodding): “He’s telling the truth. I wouldn’t have agreed to help otherwise.”

Still not convinced, Hero EJ watches Robo EJ hold Baby Ernie.

Evil EJ (silver tongue): “See how happy he is? How can you deny him that over some middling concerns about opening a forbidden path to a brave new world?”

Gray EJ (agreeing from a different perspective): “I understand your concern, Hero EJ, but Robo EJ and Ernie shouldn’t have to pay for TPTB’s mistakes.”

Silent for several moments, Hero EJ’s opposition to the idea melts underneath the warmth from shared smiles between father and son.

Hero EJ (understanding): “You’re right. They didn’t do anything wrong.”

Evil EJ (scoffing): “Of course they didn’t. You and your ethics. Get off your high horse. This show had Jack donate his organs and still come back from the dead three times. What’s saving a cyborg baby from a plot point miscarriage?”

Hero EJ (suddenly considering): “This is probably much too late to bring this up, but wasn’t the Ejole baby a girl?”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look at each other. After a moment, Gray EJ shrugs.

Gray EJ (sheepishly): “Beats me. I tried to ask Zombie Dallas EJ about the baby several times, but all I got was him drooling over Nicole and mumbling about not finding any brains to eat.”

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “Due to his less than optimal fetal environment, we had to manually resequence all of Ernie’s DNA, and what remained was male. Regardless, there is no way I would let a member of our family be named after the maid from The Jetsons.”

Suddenly Good EJ and Evil Crazy EJ enter the room. Good EJ is loaded down with a cake, various beverages, and balloons. Evil Crazy EJ is carrying his Samantha doll and a small plastic bag. Both are dressed in party attire with Evil Crazy EJ in a crisp sky blue button down shirt and khakis and Samantha in a cheery pink ruffled dress.

Hero EJ (wondering): “What’s this?”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “Hello, Hero EJ! It is the Robo EJ is a daddy, and Baby Ernie is alive party! We are very happy that Evil EJ and Gray EJ made everything turn out okay!”



Setting everything down on the nearby coffee table, Good EJ looks at Evil Crazy EJ. Evil Crazy EJ glares at him threateningly and points to his Samantha doll.

Good EJ (rehearsed): “I am very happy that Baby Ernie is okay and has been returned to Robo EJ. Let me go get the rest of the party materials.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, Good EJ knows to stay on his best behavior now that we have very nicely let him out of his cage for the party, or he will suffer the consequences.”

While Robo EJ quietly continues to bond with Baby Ernie, Evil Crazy EJ opens his plastic bag and removes its contents.

Evil Crazy EJ (handing them out): “Samantha made party hats for everyone! Baby Ernie too!”

Hero EJ (happily putting on his hat): “Wow, these are great! Thank you, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. You outdid yourselves.”

Evil EJ (smiling in spite of himself): “I think so too.”

Evil Crazy EJ (proud of his wife): “I third the opinion!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing her on the cheek): “Yes, you are better than Martha Stewart!”

Unimpressed, Gray EJ refuses to put on his gray party hat and snickers as Evil EJ nonchalantly dons his black one.

Gray EJ (smiling at the sight): “You look ridiculous.”

Evil EJ merely watches as Evil Crazy EJ moves quickly and punches Gray EJ in the face.

Evil Crazy EJ (adamant): “Samantha spent hours on these in order to make them the best party hats in the history of existence, and she thinks Evil EJ looks very nice. And she says Gray EJ will put on his party hat if he would like to keep his spleen because she will not let him ruin Robo EJ and Baby Ernie’s party!”

Gray EJ (hastily putting on his hat): “Oo-o-okay…”

Reeling from the blow, Gray EJ tries to hold his head back. Amused, Evil EJ offers him his handkerchief.

Evil EJ (savoring the moment): “Do I?”

As Hero EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha set out the beverages and decorations, Evil EJ helps himself to a piece of cake and stands where Gray EJ can still see him as he attempts to stop his nosebleed. Evil EJ taunts Gray EJ by eating his cake as slowly as possible, including licking the frosting off his fork.

Evil EJ (devilishly): “Delightful.”

Seething, Gray EJ glares at him.

Evil EJ (discarding his empty plate on the floor and surveying the available drinks): “Quite the assortment of carbonated beverages, eh? Shall we have a toast?”

Hero EJ (concerned): “Shouldn’t we wait for Good EJ to get back?”

Evil Crazy EJ (disagreeing): “There are lots of presents! It will take too long to wait for Pansy EJ to come back with all of them!”

Evil EJ (concurring): “As if we need to include Princess anyway.”

Robo EJ, Hero EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ all take a can off the table. Finally stopping the bleeding, Gray EJ faces forward again and puts the bloody handkerchief into his jean pocket as Evil EJ places a drink into his hand.

Evil EJ (commanding): “Gentlemen.”

Evil EJ raises his own soft drink and the rest of the EJs follow suit.

Evil EJ (gravely): “To gravitas.”

Robo EJ and Evil Crazy EJ repeat the phrase and open their beverages while Hero EJ and Gray EJ openly stare at a grinning Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (blankly): “You didn’t.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I most certainly did.”

Gray EJ (uncomprehendingly): “But he’s our-”

Evil EJ (interrupting): “He is. I only kid because I love.”

Misinterpreting the edge in his voice, Hero EJ and Gray EJ continue to look at Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (missing the point as he romantically shares his drink with his wife): “Samantha enjoyed the toast very much, Evil EJ, but she would like to know what that means.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Apparently it means equating our sacred relationship with our soulmate with that of an opportunistic tart. Who knew? I really must buy an updated thesaurus one of these days.”

His intuition alerting him, Hero EJ takes a look at the clock at the wall.

Hero EJ (reluctantly taking off his hat): “Well, I’d love to stay, but I really need to get going.”

Robo EJ (looking up from Baby Ernie): “THANK YOU TRY MAKE ROBO EJ FEEL BETTER! ROBO EJ AND ERNIE NOT FORGET HERO EJ KINDNESS!”

Evil Crazy EJ (waving): “Goodbye, Hero EJ! We will save you some cake if Samantha is not very hungry later!”

Gray EJ (clasping Hero EJ’s shoulder): “Have fun, Hero EJ. Try not to get too bored watching Safe and checking in with the minions shadowing Ali.”

Evil EJ (adding): “The instant the plot allows me to move my daughter here, I will. In any case, make sure not to say hello to the Ninja Turtle for us.”



Hero EJ (correcting): “His name is Rafe.”

Evil EJ (ignoring him): “Yes, he favors red bandanas in addition to being a sai master and quite the cutup, I’ve heard.”

Hero EJ regards Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (letting it go): “You know, Evil EJ, you’re still a vile excuse for a human being.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Flattery will get you nowhere, valkyrie.”

Hero EJ (continuing): “But you really do have a heart. A black one akin to a bullet hole, but a heart nonetheless.”

Hero EJ (curious): “What gave you this idea?”

Evil EJ (honestly): “I wisely listened to my better half.”

Hero EJ glances at Robo EJ beaming as he holds his son.

Hero EJ (warmly): “I’m glad you did.”

Hero EJ leaves the room to guard Samantha and her unborn child while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha move over to Robo EJ and Baby Ernie.

Evil Crazy EJ (holding his wife up so she can see): “Samantha wants to say hi to Baby Ernie! She loves babies and wishes there was more of them on the show. She does not know why Steve and Kayla could not have both Baby Joe and Pocketman!”

Turning away from them, Gray EJ shakes his head at Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (sighing): “I can’t believe you joked about that.”

Evil EJ (sanguine): “Yet he can say we have no male anatomy? Cheer up, buttercup. Loyalty does not mean lockstep opinion.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “Of course I appreciate beyond words everything he’s ever done for us. And I wish him the best of luck with the upcoming astoundingly boring spoilers for the next month on the show. But that doesn’t mean everything he said is correct. Particularly about me not killing people.”

Gray EJ (not sold): “I suppose.”

Evil EJ (certain): “I know. Now go take a piece of cake before Evil Crazy EJ comes over and asks if Samantha can have the frosting.”

Gray EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Speaking of differing opinions, this wasn’t your idea, was it?”

Evil EJ (innocently): “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Gray EJ (thinking): “Once you found out Robo EJ disobeyed you and Hero EJ, you were hellbent on taking a blowtorch to him and melting him into slag. You don’t have a better half-your better half is Samantha. She’s the one who insisted on this.”

Evil EJ (not disagreeing): “Hormones. The oxycotin build up in pregnancy makes one seize on ideas that otherwise would have been dismissed.”

Gray EJ (finishing the puzzle): “And you want me to keep my mouth shut so you have leverage over Hero EJ.”

Evil EJ looks at Gray EJ before one side of his mouth curls into a smirk, and he puts his arm around his frequent companion.

Evil EJ (idly threatening): “You really are too smart for your own good. Fortunately for you, you answer to me.”

Gray EJ (deadpan): “You certainly know how to make me feel wanted.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “What are friends for?”

Surrender Unto Me

Having assisted Samantha in putting the twins to bed, Gray EJ searches one of the lower levels of the DiMansion basement for the other EJs. Turning the corner around one of the passageways, he enters a much larger room only to be completely astonished by what he finds.

Gray EJ (shocked): “What in the…”

As he enters the freshly constructed stadium, Gray EJ sees that a wresting ring has been set up in the center of the arena with a steel cage enclosing it. A safe distance away, several comfortable red velvet chairs have been lined up for the optimal viewing experience. Evil EJ is seated in one of them in with Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll in another. Evil EJ is wearing his customary all black suit while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha are dressed in matching cheerleading outfits.

Evil Crazy EJ (waving): “Hi, Gray EJ! We were waiting for you! Samantha said we couldn’t start without you!”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, we were wondering when you were going to show up. You’d think you’d understand the importance of following Samantha’s lead with the children by now.”

Gray EJ looks around in horror for several moments.

Gray EJ (wincing): “Do I even want to know what’s going on here?”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “It is the main event! Stupid Pansy EJ versus Fake Dallas EJ in the ultimate grudge match!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, sweetheart, with the steel cage in place there is no leaving the squared circle until a winner is declared!”

Gray EJ (incredulously): “What?”

Evil EJ (easily): “Since they’ve been getting the vast majority of our screentime as of late, Good EJ and Dallas EJ clearly need to work some things out in order for our characterization to have any hope of recovery, and what better way than mortal combat? Why leave bread and circuses only to the commoners, I say.”

Gray EJ looks inside of the cage to see both Good EJ and Dallas EJ standing on opposite sides of the ring. Unable to pull himself away from the spectacle, Gray EJ walks over to Evil EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha.

Gray EJ (uncomfortably surveying the scene): “You know, you really have reached a new level of depravity here.”

Evil EJ (taking it as a complement): “One should always endeavor to challenge one’s self.”

Gray EJ (taking a seat next to Evil EJ): “And it doesn’t bother you a bit that this is the equivalent of Belgium having a war with Luxembourg.”

Evil EJ (indignantly): “How else am I supposed to entertain myself? Watch the show?”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look at each other silently for several moments before both of them burst into laughter.

Gray EJ (wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye): “Watch the show…you almost had me going there for a minute. Good one.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Indeed. I would think elective open heart surgery would be more fulfilling at this point, spoilers or no.”

Dallas EJ (hearing the insult from within the enclosure): “I’ll have you know that the love story between me and Nicole could not be more compelling.”

Good EJ (making a face from his half of the ring): “Try vomit inducing. It’s disgusting! No one wants to see her anywhere near us or cutting into our screentime with Samantha.”

Gray EJ (considering): “How’d you get them both in the cage anyway?”

Hero EJ (explaining): “Well, it was a team effort.”

Making his usual sudden entrance, Hero EJ hands out the refreshments and snacks that he had nicely agreed to get from the kitchen.

Evil Crazy EJ (taking their soft drinks): “Thank you, Hero EJ!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (sharing his popcorn with his wife): “Yes, we helped too! Samantha is an expert markswoman with tranquilizer guns!”

Gray EJ (accepting the energy drink Hero EJ anticipated he would want): “You approve of this?!”

Hero EJ (surprised at his surprise): “Why wouldn’t I? It’s one of the modern day equivalents of jousting.”

Evil EJ (taking the glass of wine that he had requested): “Which means it’s the perfect excuse for Hero EJ here to indulge his inner bloodlust.”

Hero EJ (sitting down and taking a sip of his vitamin water): “No, I appreciate the chance to see Good EJ show Dallas EJ that being good doesn’t mean being disrespectful.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Sure you do. And before I forget, let me warn you that the chink in your shining armor is showing.”

The overhead lights dim slightly as Robo EJ, dressed in a referee outfit, enters the cage and moves to the center of the ring in order to begin the match.

Robo EJ (mechanical voice): “GENTLEMEN…”

Evil Crazy EJ (interrupting): “Dumb robot! Samantha is here too!”

Robo EJ (error correcting): “LADY AND GENTLEMEN…READY TO RUMBLE?”

Hero EJ (firmly): “Yes.”

Evil EJ (shrugging): “I suppose.”

Evil Crazy EJ (jumping up and down): “Robo EJ! Samantha and I are ready to rumble!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (screaming at his wife’s request): “YOUR LUCK HAS RUN OUT!!!”

Seeing the level of interest disparity between Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha and Hero EJ and Evil EJ, Gray EJ snickers.

Gray EJ (patronizingly to Evil EJ): “What, no fist pump?”

Evil EJ (calmly enjoying his drink): “No need. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha have more than enough enthusiasm for all of us.”

Robo EJ (gesturing to one side): “THIS CORNER…GOOD EJ WHO LIKE SAMANTHA!”

Good EJ (annoyed): “No, I love Samantha! She’s our soulmate!”

Hero EJ (encouragingly): “Make me proud, seraph!”

Gray EJ (loudly): “You can do it, Good EJ!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “It’s time to get your hands dirty, sunshine.”

Samantha: “…”

In order to better hear her, Evil Crazy EJ leans down towards his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (relaying his wife’s instructions): “Listen to Samantha, Stupid Pansy EJ! We want you to win! Rip Fake Dallas EJ’s face off, and wear it as your own for your trophy!”

Robo EJ (gesturing to the other side): “THIS CORNER…DALLAS EJ WHO LIKE NICOLE!”

Dallas EJ (haughty): “Actually, it’s much more than that. I care for her very much.”

Gray EJ (annoyed to Hero EJ): “Which makes absolutely no sense given our characterization up to this point. This unbelievable triangle has to be one of the most imbecilic decisions Days has ever made.”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “It’s a genuine travesty.”

Evil Crazy EJ (jointly with his wife): “Boooooooo! You suck, not real EJ!”

Evil EJ (pretending to cough): “Racist.”

Aghast at the accusation about Dallas EJ, Hero EJ and Gray EJ look at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (mock innocently): “What? It’s all over the internet.”

Robo EJ (moving backward): “FIGHT UNTIL ONE WINS! FIGHT!”

Robo EJ leaves the cage and locks the door behind him before either Good EJ or Dallas EJ can follow him.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Those were some rather vague instructions. What constitutes winning?”

Hero EJ (unclear himself): “I don’t know. Robo EJ’s language skills are quite limited.”

Evil EJ (dismissively): “It was a waste of CPU cycles to add anything even slightly complicated. How many different ways does he need to lie to Nicole?”

Inside the cage, Good EJ and Dallas EJ eye each other warily.

Good EJ (nervously): “Um, so, ah…how are you today, Dallas EJ?”

Dallas EJ (eyeing the steel enclosure): “How trite. But if you all insist on being little children, I suppose I can indulge you.”

Good EJ (guardedly): “Okay. How about you drop Nicole, and we both walk out of here?”

Dallas EJ (snotty): “The woman who should be dropped is that loser Samantha. And how about I punch you in the face?”

Dallas EJ moves over to Good EJ and hits him with a badly aimed right hook. Good EJ screams at the impact, his high pitched voice echoing throughout the stadium.

Good EJ (like a little girl): “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Evil Crazy EJ (loudly): “Stupid Pansy EJ! Samantha believes in you!”

Good EJ barely manages to block Dallas EJ’s poor attempt at an uppercut.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (angrily): “She also says that she will use your ribcage as a xylophone if she loses the five dollars that she bet on you winning!”

Good EJ (unable to deal with the pressure): “What? No! No more torture from you two!”

Panic overtaking him, Good EJ runs away from Dallas EJ as Dallas EJ attempts to kick Good EJ’s right ankle.

Dallas EJ (yelling): “Get back here, you louse!”

Evil EJ, Gray EJ, Hero EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha watch as Dallas EJ catches up to Good EJ on the other side of the ring and the two combatants handslap each other for several minutes.

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Pathetic.”

Gray EJ (frowning): “Very. Not exactly the Ultimate Warrior versus the Undertaker here, eh?”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No, but considering this is the best either of them can do, I suppose it’s not that bad.”

Evil EJ (disagreeing): “You suppose wrong. I’ve seen better combat on C-Span.”

A loud ringing noise echoes throughout the arena.

Hero EJ (looking around): “Saved by the bell.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Literally.”

Evil Crazy EJ (last minute check with his wife): “Are you ready, Samantha?”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “Great! It is time for the halftime show!”

Outside of the cage, Robo EJ gestures for Good EJ and Dallas EJ to retreat to their respective corners as Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and move to a clear space in front of the seats. Gray EJ looks at Evil EJ in confusion.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Halftime show?”

Evil EJ (finishing his wine): “Of course, you fence straddling maggot. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha worked very hard on their routine.”



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEGecGbYyrA

Having practiced for weeks, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha execute a tightly choreographed sequence of dance line and cheerleading moves to the piped in music.

Hero EJ (genuinely impressed): “I had no idea they could backflip that high.”

Gray EJ (awed as well): “And so gracefully too!”

Good EJ (catching his breath): “Aaaah…ahhhh.”

Not nearly as winded as his opponent, Dallas EJ moves over to the edge of the enclosure and stares at Evil EJ.

Dallas EJ (condescending): “This little show here is completely embarrassing for Evil Crazy EJ and only encourages him to act out instead of fitting into society. Now, it must be extremely challenging for someone as selfish as you are to take care of a special needs adult, so I can see why you’d allow it. But it’s a big mistake.”

Evil EJ (absolute zero): “And here I thought it was your mother’s unquestioning faith in thalidomide.”

Dallas EJ (matching the chill): “Says the man too chicken to fight me himself. Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?”

Evil EJ (deadly): “Always.”

The music fades, and again a loud ringing noise echoes throughout the arena. Done with their routine, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha run back to join the other EJs.

Evil Crazy EJ (retaking his seat with his wife): “Yes, Samantha! Round two!”

Robo EJ motions to Good EJ and Dallas EJ for the match to continue. Good EJ decides to continue his strategy of cowardice and runs around the ring avoiding Dallas EJ who studies Good EJ’s movement patterns.

Gray EJ (not believing what he’s saying): “You can do it, Good EJ!”

Hero EJ (unshakable faith): “Show Dallas EJ who’s the boss!”

Evil EJ (trying another tack): “Hey, sugarbumps! He stole your Sex and the City - The Movie Special Edition DVD!”

Nailing the pattern of Good EJ’s running, Dallas EJ grabs Good EJ and slams him against the side of the cage.

Dallas EJ (loathing): “You’re as embarrassing as the woman you love.”

Good EJ (trying to escape): “What’s insulting is your treatment of her! Tough love? Disrespecting someone isn’t love at all!”

Dallas EJ presses Good EJ into the wall as hard as he can.

Dallas EJ (snidely): “True. Oh, sure, I might have some residual feelings for Samantha, but I pity her, really. It’s not like she has any friends, right? Her self-destructive tendencies will destroy her again as they have every time in the past. Stupid woman actually thought-”

Hearing his beloved disparaged, something snaps inside of Good EJ.

Good EJ (enraged): “WE LOVE SAMANTHA!”

Fueled by his pure love for the woman of his dreams, Good EJ abruptly breaks Dallas EJ’s hold and repeatedly kicks him in the groin.

Dallas EJ (surprised): “Agggh!”

Good EJ (furiously screaming): “AND WE ARE NOT BETTER THAN HER! SHE IS BETTER THAN US! WE ARE BLESSED TO BE GRACED WITH HER PRESENCE! EVERY MOMENT WE SPEND WITH HER IS A GIFT TO BE CHERISHED! WE WORSHIP THE GROUND SAMANTHA WALKS ON, YOU-YOU-YOU-”

Hero EJ (loudly): “Insult to purity!”

Evil Crazy EJ (yelling): “Not real EJ!”

Gray EJ (clapping): “Sanctimonious git!”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Ignorant unceremonious wanker!”

Good EJ (pointing to his cheering section): “What they said!”

Capitalizing on his support, Good EJ pile drives Dallas EJ into the canvas.

Dallas EJ (reeling in pain): “AAAAARGGGGHHHHHH!”

Unwilling to give Dallas EJ a chance to recover, Good EJ hits him again with an elbow drop off the side of the cage.

Dallas EJ (losing consciousness): “No…it can’t be …”

With Dallas EJ down for the count, Good EJ stands off to the side.

Robo EJ (outside the cage): “1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10!”

The winning conditions met, Robo EJ unlocks the cage, enters, and comes over to Good EJ.

Robo EJ (raising Good EJ’s right hand): “WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION! GOOD EJ!”

At the proclamation, the cage mechanism rises off of the ring, and Robo EJ and Good EJ get out while Dallas EJ remains a crumpled heap on the floor of the stage. His current mission complete, Robo EJ powers himself down in a nearby corner. Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and his Samantha come over to greet Good EJ while Evil EJ stays in his seat.

Evil Crazy EJ (excitedly): “Congratulations, Stupid Pansy EJ on beating Fake Dallas EJ! Samantha is very happy to have ten dollars now to spend on fall dresses!”

Gray EJ (sincerely): “Yes, good job!”

Evil EJ (smirking): “We all knew you could do it, carrotcake.”

Hero EJ (offering a towel and water bottle to Good EJ): “Excellent work. You struggled in the beginning, but then you focused on Samantha, and she was able to fuel you on to victory.”

Good EJ (refusing Hero EJ’s offering): “How could you have helped put this match together? You’re supposed to be on my side!”

Hero EJ (truly hurt): “Good EJ, even you have to admit we have been unwatchable on screen lately with our out of place characterization.”

Good EJ (staggering backward as he tries to catch his breath): “I don’t admit anything.”

Self-righteous Voice (haughtily): “Funny. Neither do I.”

Unwilling to admit defeat, Dallas EJ springs off of the canvas suddenly from behind and grabs Good EJ in a headlock. Hero EJ, Evil EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha immediately tense, ready to spring into action. Full of himself, Dallas EJ shakes his head slightly.

Dallas EJ (having the upper hand): “Not so fast. I’ll break his neck. And we all know what happens then, don’t we?”

Hero EJ (taking charge): “Let him go, Dallas EJ. You don’t want to die anymore than we do. It’s over. He can’t help you.”

Dallas EJ (using his leverage): “Not alone anyway. If you want all of us to get out of this alive, you idiots are going to listen and agree to my demands.”

Hero EJ (negotiating as he formulates a plan): “All right.”

Dallas EJ (snootily): “I thought so. First, you need to throw away this all consuming love for Samantha. The writers have decided that we don’t feel that way any longer, and right now we’re enamored with Nicole. Samantha is no longer the center of our world, and you have to accept that reality. I don’t want to be locked into that depraved pairing anymore.”

The air crackles as a single gunshot punctuates Dallas EJ’s last words. Hit in the middle of his forehead, he immediately lets go of Good EJ and falls backward. Shocked, Good EJ, Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha turn to see Evil EJ with his gun in his hand, having fired without hesitation the instant he had a clear shot.

Evil EJ (demonically): “Then let me set you free.”

As the now late Dallas EJ bleeds out onto the concrete floor, Good EJ moves over to Hero EJ and Gray EJ. Satisfied with how he’s resolved the situation, Evil EJ reholsters his firearm as he stands up.

Hero EJ (disbelievingly): “I was handling it, Evil EJ! You didn’t need to kill him!”

Gray EJ (mentally taking the next step): “Why aren’t we dead?!”

Ignoring their remarks, Evil EJ walks over to Dallas EJ’s body and admires his handiwork.

Evil EJ (to the corpse): “You were saying, counterfeit? We are many, many things, but a hypocrite is not one of them.”

Evil Crazy EJ (approvingly): “Good shot, Evil EJ! Samantha says the blood spatter is impressive! She would also like to know if this means that we can kill Good EJ now.”

Evil EJ (moving his head up and grimacing): “Sadly, no.”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “An Austin Reed stealing our name and face is no more a part of us than Robo EJ, so I was able to give Dallas EJ what he so fittingly deserved. But unlike this insulting imitation, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star here is actually part of our total, albeit fractured, personality. We are unfortunately stuck with his festering goodness.”

Good EJ sighs in relief at Evil EJ’s words.

Hero EJ (sincerely as he puts his hand on Good EJ’s shoulder): “I wouldn’t let him kill you even if he could.”

Good EJ (pushing Hero EJ away): “I don’t trust you anymore!”

Gray EJ (looking at Dallas EJ’s corpse): “Evil EJ, while that makes as much sense as anything with us ever does, um, shouldn’t you not have done that anyway? I mean, TPTB seem pretty stuck on this joke of a triangle, so they’re going to keep going with this idiotic plotline for a while. I’m sure he has more scenes coming up.”

Evil EJ (unconcerned): “As am I. And I see no reason why he can’t be in them.”

Gray EJ (pressing): “But you just killed him. He’s dead.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Exactly.”

The other EJs look at Evil EJ in confusion except Evil Crazy EJ who lights up in delight.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Yes, Samantha! Zombie Dallas EJ!”

Good EJ (stunned): “What?!”

Hero EJ (taken aback): “You wouldn’t.”

Gray EJ (cringing): “Oh, yes, he would.”

Evil EJ (devilishly): “Just in time for Halloween.”

Evil EJ (stepping on Dallas EJ’s right kneecap): “Besides, it’s not as if anyone will notice the difference. Seen one self-righteous Salemite, seen them all. He can drool all over that abhorrent tart just fine, and we can easily replace him if the writing suddenly and miraculously improves.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (thrilled): “That is a very good question, Samantha! I wonder if Zombie Dallas EJ will be vulnerable to fire too!”

Evil EJ walks over to Gray EJ and hands him a keycard.

Gray EJ (wondering): “What’s this?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Access to the morgue. There’s already a shelf ready and waiting for our necromancy subject.”

Evil EJ (putting a hand on Gray EJ’s shoulder for a moment): “Now, be a dear, and take care of all this for me. After all, I did just save your life, and I’m sure everyone else here will gladly assist you out of the same gratitude. I’d do it myself, but Samantha and I have plans.”

Hero EJ (remembering): “But it was your turn last night.”

Good EJ (incredulously): “And the night before!”

Gray EJ (resigned): “And the night before that.”

Evil EJ (mock humbly): “Who am I to deny our beloved her preference for the personality she’d like to spend the most time with?”

His work finished, Evil EJ starts walking to the exit of the arena as Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Good EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha watch him leave. The pieces moving in his mind, Gray EJ calls after Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (putting it all together): “This was the plan all along, wasn’t it? You got to kill Dallas EJ in an unnecessarily convoluted manner that amused you, and we’re stuck down here cleaning all this up while you get to spend the night with Samantha again.”

Extremely pleased with himself, Evil EJ turns around and looks at the other EJs before winking mischievously at them.

Evil EJ (smugly): “Bow down, cretins.”

Disturbia

Deep within the vast Byzantine that is the DiMansion, Hero EJ, Evil EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll are lounging in the home theater room. Hero EJ is dressed in his black suit and sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Evil EJ who is dressed in a black sweatshirt and jeans with a black blanket wrapped around him. Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll are on the floor with their toys, both dressed in nursing scrubs, him in blue and Samantha in pink. All three are watching American Psycho.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Batman isn’t going to put the kitty in the ATM, is he?”

Evil EJ (reassuringly): “No. He thinks about it, but he doesn’t.”

Evil Crazy EJ (talking to the screen): “No, Batman! Not the kitty! Financial machines eat money, not animals!”

Evil EJ (pointing): “Don’t worry. See? He didn’t.”

Evil Crazy EJ (relived): “Good! You can look now, Samantha. The kitty is okay!”

Samantha: “…”

Hero EJ (cringing): “But those police officers aren’t. Exactly how many people does Christian Bale’s character kill in this movie?”

Evil EJ (thinking about it): “At least a dozen. Probably closer to thirty.”

Hero EJ (sincerely): “I have to hand it to you, Evil EJ. This has to be the most violent, misogynistic, and depraved film I’ve ever had to watch.”

Evil EJ (lighting up): “I know. Isn’t it great?”

Hero EJ (disapprovingly): “You would think so.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “It’s my favorite movie.”

Angry Voice (loudly): “Bloody imbecile! I could strangle him! I should strangle him!! Flipping lap dog!!!”

Hero EJ, Evil EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha turn to see a very angry Gray EJ enter the room and walk over to them.

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Hi, Gray EJ!”

Evil EJ (calmly): “Bad writing getting you down, twinkletoes?”

Gray EJ (throwing his hands up in the air): “I’ve had it! Do you know what I had to do this week? I had to completely brush off Samantha at the health club. Then I had to have a completely inane conversation with Lucas. And then I had to turn around and act like best friends with the man who shot and paralyzed us at the expense of the woman we love!

Evil EJ (to Hero EJ): “He’s annoyed Lucas ate his chips.”

Hero EJ grins in spite of himself but his smile quickly fades as he watches Gray EJ violently kick a nearby wall.

Hero EJ (concerned): “I know you’re upset about the poor dialogue and storyline, but it will all work out sooner or later, Gray EJ. Please don’t hurt yourself.”

Gray EJ (not listening): “No, what I should do is put us all into a coma because it gets even better! Soon we’re having sex with Nicole! Oh, I cannot wait for that.”

Evil EJ (shrugging): “No need. We’re not having sex with Nicole.”

Gray EJ (wondering): “Of course we are. You’ve seen the spoilers, haven’t you?”

Evil EJ (firmly): “Of course. But we aren’t having sex with Nicole.”

Gray EJ (challenging): “Yes, we are.”

Evil EJ (adamant): “No, we’re not.”

Evil EJ gestures broadly towards another door across the room.

Evil EJ (grandly): “Don’t get mad, get even, is what I always say. And that’s why I-”

Hero EJ coughs lightly.

Evil EJ (trying again): “My pathetic assistant and I-”

Hero EJ coughs louder.

Evil EJ (through gritted teeth): “My esteemed colleague and I-”

Evil EJ stops and looks at Hero EJ. Hero EJ nods approvingly.

Evil EJ (continuing): “give you…the E-5000!”

Hero EJ, Evil EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, his Samantha doll, and Gray EJ watch as a figure lumbers its way into the room.

Mechanical Voice (inhuman): “YOU SO NICE TO ME, NICOLE. YOU IS GREAT!”

Gray EJ (totally confused): “What is it?”

Evil EJ (annoyed): “You unintelligent worm, it’s clearly a psychotronic based-”

Evil Crazy EJ (interrupting): “He is Robo EJ! Samantha named him!”

Evil EJ (sighing): “We’ve discussed this before, Evil Crazy EJ. The E-5000 is a Skynet enabled, highly advanced cyborg capable of undertaking the most difficult and dangerous missions, not a mere robot.”

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “Samantha says he is made out of metal and not alive like we are so he is a robot!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Samantha! Just like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2!

Hero EJ (to Evil EJ): “Although you’re technically correct, as it is a distinction without much difference, you should just let it go. No one else cares.”

Evil EJ (not happy about it): “Fine. We can just all be wrong then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “We helped Evil EJ and Hero EJ build him by drawing the instructions!”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and hand their work to Gray EJ.



Gray EJ (looking between the schematic and the final product): “Ah, so we aren’t going to have elevator sex with Nicole…he is.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Precisely, as he is anatomically correct. Ingenious, isn’t it? This way none of us need spend any time with that worthless tramp.”

Gray EJ (raising his eyebrow as he hands the schematic back to Evil Crazy EJ): “Indeed. I have to admit, I’m surprised you’re on board with this, Hero EJ.”

Hero EJ (folding his arms): “While I appreciate TPTB’s attempt to redeem Nicole, I do not approve of it coming at the expense of our characterization, storyline, and proper pairing. Hence my alliance in this regard with my archnemesis.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Between the two of us, it was an easy task to construct him.”

Robo EJ (mechanically): “LET US SMOOCHY SMOOCHY, NICOLE!”

Gray EJ (considering Robo EJ again): “You know, I rather hate to mention this at this point given that I’m sure you two worked very hard making him, but he looks and acts nothing like us, not to mention his monotone voice with the poor grammar. This is as if you threw an 80s department store mannequin on top of a T-1000 exoskeleton. And why is all that gel in his hair?”

Hero EJ gives Evil EJ a dirty look.

Hero EJ (annoyed): “Perhaps if someone hadn’t insisted on cobbling him together from Rolf’s spare parts, we could have achieved a more lifelike result.”

Evil EJ (scoffing as he gestures): “I am not going to spend my hard earned nefarious lawyer money on something that’s only going to last another five weeks or so before Father awakens or the writing staff turns over, whichever happens first.”

Gray EJ (disbelievingly): “This is never going to fool anyone, not even Nicole.”

Hero EJ (disagreeing): “Actually Robo EJ passed with flying colors during the field testing last week.”

Gray EJ (surprised): “That was Robo EJ?”

Evil EJ (insultingly): “Maybe if you spent less time being irate and more time paying attention to this sorry excuse of a television show, your small mind would have seen that the EJ on screen was clearly none of us yet was more than good enough to fool the insipid drunkard that is Nicole.”

Evil EJ looks at his watch.

Evil EJ (to Hero EJ): “Speaking of which, now that Gray EJ is here, I assume you will want to prepare for what lies ahead along with conducting your usual covert vigil on the twins and Samantha.”

Hero EJ (nodding as he stands): “Yes, I should get going. Interlacing Robo EJ’s screentime with mine will be a difficult task, but I intend to complete it as seamlessly as possible.”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “I’m sure you’ll be as flawless as ever.”

Gray EJ (sincerely): “Good luck.”

Evil Crazy EJ (cheerily): “Samantha says have fun playing with Robo EJ, Hero EJ!”

Robo EJ (mechanically): “YOU UNDERSTAND ME, NICOLE! YOU SO PRETTY!”

Hero EJ walks over to Robo EJ and leads him out of the room. Gray EJ takes Hero EJ’s spot on the couch while Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha resume their place on the floor.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Um, shouldn’t Hero EJ try to hide Robo EJ? What if they run into someone?”

Evil EJ (dismissively as he restarts the film): “As far as the other characters on this show are concerned, this mansion consists of an entryway, a living room, a staircase, a hallway, and Samantha’s room. We have run of this place, not that it would matter if we bump into anyone anyway since everyone is characterized as so bipolar right now, they’d just forget it ever happened ten minutes later.”

Gray EJ (muttering): “I wish we could make everyone forget Nicole.”

Evil EJ (repausing the movie): “Aren’t you the little death ray today? And here I thought you were supposed to be the sensible one.”

Gray EJ (seething): “After the inane dialogue and actions I was forced to perform recently, I’m not feeling very charitable.”

Evil EJ (approving): “As much as I appreciate you giving into your violent tendencies, you know as well as I do that we cannot eliminate Nicole because TPTB have supposedly slated her for the heroine slot now that Sami will be re-villainized in order to be with us. After all, the show needs a Belle.”

Gray EJ (begrudgingly): “I suppose.”

Gray EJ notices Evil EJ’s casual attire and the blanket around him.

Gray EJ (suddenly concerned): “Are you not feeling well, Evil EJ?”

Evil Crazy EJ (blurting): “Evil EJ is sick! Too much stupidity on the show!”

Evil EJ (coughing): “Well, it’s either that or those contaminated tomatoes. Damn CDC can’t even track a salmonella outbreak.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “Nurse Samantha and Nurse Evil Crazy EJ are taking care of him!”

Gray EJ (laughing): “You’re lucky to have such devoted attendants.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “There’s no one else I’d rather have look after me.”

Evil Crazy EJ (beaming with pride): “Of course! Samantha is a licensed practical nurse. And it is time to take your temperature again, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ (hiding his annoyance): “Fifteen minutes ago wasn’t recently enough?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Samantha insists! She says we must compare the results to before.”

Evil EJ (giving in): “All right.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and come over to Evil EJ in order to measure his temperature with an electronic ear thermometer.

Evil Crazy EJ (comfortingly): “Now this will not hurt, Evil EJ, but Samantha is here for you if you need to cry.”

Evil EJ (holding back): “If only I had done this multiple times today already.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing it): “Yes, you are a very good patient!”

Evil Crazy EJ quickly takes Evil EJ’s temperature. Nodding at the results, he turns to his wife.

Evil Crazy EJ (to his doll): “Got it!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, sweetheart! We must take this back to the lab!”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha resume their place on the floor and begin to analyze the results. Sensing that Gray EJ is not finished, Evil EJ leaves the movie on pause and turns back to him.

Gray EJ (hand through his hair): “I know it shouldn’t, but Days is driving me crazy right now.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Now, now, Gray EJ. We already have one insane EJ, and he’s more than enough.”

Gray EJ (grimacing): “I know the entire show is awful across the board, but look at what is happening to Samantha and us. Why this mess? Why this business with Nicole? I thought we were different. I thought our couple was different.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “We are, and it is. Unfortunately, expecting us to escape the less savory tropes of our respective genre was wishful thinking. Apparently this is supposed to be titillating.”

Gray EJ (bluntly): “We should be on a better show.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “We should. However, the E-5000-”

Evil Crazy EJ (interjecting): “Robo EJ!”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Robo EJ aside, this is in character even if the execution is appalling.”

Gray EJ (intensely disagreeing as he points): “How can you possibly say that?! This entire plot point is unnecessary! Yes, Samantha and us had to be torn apart so we could come together again without the Black Wedding hanging over our heads. But it could have happened in a much more interesting, inventive, and fun manner! We didn’t even need to have Lucas or Nicole involved at all. No wonder the demo is down-no one wants to watch this!”

Evil EJ (almost on the same page): “Agreed. But we’ve done this before.”

Gray EJ (challenging): “When?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “November and December 2006. Ejole is just an Ejate retread. We did the same exact thing with desk sex with Kate as Robo EJ will be doing with elevator sex with Nicole. In both cases, once Samantha chose Lucas over us, we slept with her enemy. Yes, it was to salve our own pain, but it was also to hurt her as much as we could…as much as she had hurt us. We’re not a nice man.”

Gray EJ (making a face): “I thought you liked that.”

Evil EJ (sanguine): “Malice without intelligence is mere animalism…and nature, my dear boy, is what we were put on earth to rise above.”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look over towards Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (seriously): “Excellent observation, Samantha.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, darling, the results show Evil EJ is not better right now.”

Evil EJ (idly): “There’s a lesson there, you know.”

Gray EJ (irritated): “Yes, it’s only a matter of time before we all lose it with the show in such disarray.”

Evil EJ chuckles and looks at Gray EJ.

Evil EJ (openly): “No, it’s that you define your own reality. As fictional characters, we are not bound to the official story nor to any particular interpretation. So no matter what happens this summer, she is still our Samantha, you understand?”

Gray EJ (accepting): “I do.”

Gray EJ considers Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (agreeably): “You’re insightful when you’re ill.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Now that’s a backhanded complement if I’ve ever heard one.”

Gray EJ’s eyes widen as Evil EJ’s smile dissolves into a coughing fit. Alarmed, Gray EJ puts his right hand on Evil EJ’s shoulder. Jumping up at Evil EJ’s distress, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha hurry over to him.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Are you okay, Evil EJ?”

Evil EJ (uncomfortable with all the attention): “Of course. I’m fine.”

Gray EJ (getting up and moving Evil EJ before he can object): “You mean you will be if you rest. Here, you lie down.”

The decision made, Evil Crazy EJ suddenly focuses on his wife before holding out his Samantha doll to Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Samantha says she can take care of you even better if she can sit next to you.”

Evil EJ (protesting): “No, she should stay with you. I’ll get her sick.”

Evil Crazy EJ (not taking no for an answer): “Samantha has an advanced immune system. She will help you get well faster!”

Knowing Evil Crazy EJ will not let him refuse, Evil EJ reluctantly accepts Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll and places her next to him on the couch.

Gray EJ (thinking): “Let me guess, you haven’t eaten dinner yet. What would you like?”

Evil EJ (milking it): “Homemade chicken soup, a slightly burnt grilled cheese sandwich cut diagonally not horizontally, an organic Italian salad, a slice of gourmet French Silk pie, and a glass of whole milk nicely chilled.”

Gray EJ (not happy): “I’ll see what I can do. Evil Crazy EJ, are you and Samantha hungry?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, and Samantha and I would like to have what our patient is having so we can see if it is acceptable get well food. Except we would like chocolate milk instead, right, Samantha?”

Samantha: “…”

Gray EJ (moving towards the door he came in): “That’s fine. We’ll all have that then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (following Gray EJ): “I will get more blankets and pillows for Evil EJ so he is more comfortable!”

Evil EJ (relaxing into the couch): “Okay, you two. Samantha and I will be here waiting. We can finish up the movie over dinner.”

After both Gray EJ and Evil Crazy EJ have left the room, Evil EJ smirks widely.

Evil EJ (to himself): “I really must be ill more often.”

Out in the hallway, Gray EJ turns to Evil Crazy EJ.

Gray EJ (nicely): “Evil Crazy EJ, can you also stop by and check on Good EJ? He should be up from his nap around now. Can you see if he wants anything for dinner?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, I will before I get the blankets and pillows.”

Gray EJ (agreeably): “Sounds good. We’ll see each other shortly then, eh?”

Evil Crazy EJ (already walking away): “Yes! We need to get back to Evil EJ and Samantha!”

Gray EJ moves in the opposite direction from Evil Crazy EJ on his way to the kitchen. Meanwhile, Evil Crazy EJ goes to Good EJ’s room where Good EJ is still trapped in his cage.

Good EJ (brightly as Evil Crazy EJ enters the room): “Hello, Evil Crazy EJ! I’m so happy you came by! I had a very nice nap, and I was wondering if-OW!”

Enraged, Evil Crazy EJ pulls Good EJ forward and forcefully rams his face into the bars of the cage.

Evil Crazy EJ (disappointed): “Samantha knew it! She said not to trust you!”

Good EJ (wincing in pain): “What?”

Evil Crazy EJ (pointing): “You ungrateful goodnik! This is all your fault!”

Good EJ (trying to stop the blood spurting from his nose): “Why?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Evil EJ is sick because of you! Your stupidity infected the show and made him feel bad! He must be allergic to the glitter you got all over Days!”

Good EJ (hurt): “Evil Crazy EJ, that’s not right. I had nothing to do with all this bad writing. Or the tomatoes.”

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “I don’t believe you. You need to be punished. No Lucky Charms for you!”

Evil Crazy EJ reaches inside of the cage and removes the box of cereal before Good EJ can stop him.

Good EJ (surprised): “Then what am I supposed to eat?”

Evil Crazy EJ (sticking out his tongue): “You can eat your sparkly words and dumb rainbows!”

Good EJ (patiently): “Evil Crazy EJ, you have to feed me. You know you can’t kill me. We’ll all die.”

Evil Crazy EJ (irate): “Yes, Evil EJ has explained this several times to Samantha and myself, and we are both very sorry about not being able to murder you. But we can make you wish you were dead.”

Good EJ (cleaning up the blood on his face with his right sleeve): “You do realize that when Hero EJ and Gray EJ come to visit me later, I can just tell them that you aren’t giving me any food.”

Evil Crazy EJ (threateningly): “No, you are not going to say anything unless you would also like to bleed on the inside! You lie, and you say you only want water because you are not hungry! Or Samantha will rip out your toenails one by one!”

Good EJ (taken aback): “What happened to taking very good care of your prisoner?”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at Good EJ incredulously.

Evil Crazy EJ (frantic): “EVIL EJ IS SICK! Samantha has given the command to go to Red Alert! All prisoners’ rights have been revoked, especially to those who made him sick!!!”

Good EJ (imploringly): “I didn’t make him ill! I’ve been in here the entire time!”

Evil Crazy EJ (snidely): “Your horrible goodness is sneaky. Yes, you did, and you get your cereal back when Evil EJ gets better.”

Good EJ (worried): “We have no idea how long that might be.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, you are right, so I would think Samantha would suggest you start praying for his quick recovery.”

Good EJ (genuinely): “I can do that. I do want him to get better.”

Evil Crazy EJ (darkly): “Good. She would also ask you to consider which appendage you’d rather lose if someone does not get better soon and someone else and his wife need to remind a certain good someone about hurting the someone who is their best friend in the entire world.”

Good EJ (the color draining from his face): “Evil Crazy EJ, you can’t do that to me. You can’t! Please? Please-I didn’t make Evil EJ sick! Please, you have to believe me!”

Evil Crazy EJ (offhand as he moves away): “Samantha told me that if she had to choose, she would rather lose a leg because she needs her hands to color.”

Evil Crazy EJ ignores Good EJ’s pleas as he leaves the room and goes to get blankets and pillows for Evil EJ.

Living in Chaos

Excited Voice (happily): “Good morning!”

Bleary eyed, Good EJ starts as he awakens within his cage inside of his room. Pulling his body into a sitting position, he sees Evil Crazy EJ enter holding his Samantha doll. Evil Crazy EJ is dressed in a long sleeved blue shirt and black pants while Samantha is in her police officer outfit.

Evil Crazy EJ (walking over to Good EJ): “We hope you slept well, Good EJ. And Samantha knows she has said so before, but she is very, very happy that you like the color of the cage. She spent a lot of time considering what shade of pink would be best. Here you go.”

Evil EJ wedges a box of cereal through the bars of the cage.

Good EJ (knowing what it is but asking anyway): “Lucky Charms?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Yes. It is your breakfast!”

Good EJ (the diet getting to him): “Evil Crazy EJ, as much as I do enjoy my cereal, would it be possible for me to have anything else?”

Willing to consider his prisoner’s request, Evil Crazy EJ consults his Samantha doll and stares at his wife as he listens to her.

Evil Crazy EJ (translating): “Samantha says if you are very, very good, maybe you can have some milk instead of your usual water later. Assuming Evil EJ remembered to buy you your pansy skim milk when we were at the grocery store. We do not recall as we were looking at which cereals gave out the best toys most of the trip.”

Good EJ (trying to stay positive): “Well, let’s hope I am very, very good then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (very positive): “Yes, Samantha hopes so too. She will let you read your new issue of Martha Stewart Living as well if you are deemed to be worthy of good behavior status.”

Noticing that his Hello Kitty doll is no longer next to Good EJ inside of the cage, Evil Crazy EJ frowns.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “You don’t like Hello Kitty?”

Good EJ (immediately picking the stuffed animal up from where he had thrown her and placing her in his lap): “Oh, no, I like her very much. I just didn’t want her to get lost.”

Nodding, Evil Crazy EJ walks over to where he has placed it on Good EJ’s desk and holds up his and his Samantha’s attack plan for Good EJ to see.

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “Good. We did not want you to get lonely. We understand that Hello Kitty is not actually alive, however, and we are still trying to get you a real bunny. Evil EJ says we have to prove we are responsible before we can have a pet.”

Relieved Voice (grateful): “And thank goodness for that.”

Gray EJ enters the room, the designated head of household in Evil EJ’s absence.

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding slightly): “Gray EJ! Did you come to visit Good EJ? I will have to record it in the log book. And thank you for coming during approved visitation hours. Samantha would not want to have to turn you away.”

Gray EJ (going along): “You’re welcome. How are the correctional duties this morning?”

Evil Crazy EJ (lighting up): “Everything is going very well. The prisoner is behaving, and we are great!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (content): “Yes, Samantha, I was amazed too. Both of us are in a good mood as we are pleasantly surprised that you did not screw up our breakfast the way you normally do when you have to fill in for Evil EJ.”

Gray EJ (taking what he can get): “If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is.”

Hearing his wife speak to him, Evil Crazy EJ moves his Samantha doll closer to his face. He nods to her, and then moves over to Gray EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Gray EJ, will you watch the prisoner while Samantha and I get today’s activities together? We have a lot to do today with him, and we don’t want to get behind schedule.”

Gray EJ (deferring): “Of course.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “Thank you!”

Carefully holding his Samantha doll, Evil Crazy EJ runs out of the room. After he leaves, Gray EJ moves over to Good EJ’s cage.

Good EJ (wary): “I don’t like the sound of that.”

Gray EJ (nonchalantly): “Eh, don’t worry about it. How are you holding up, anyway?”

Good EJ (very unhappy): “How do you think? I am stuck in this ornate cage in my own room, I have cuts all over from the sheet metal in addition to all those bumps and bruises from our altercation, and I am constantly badgered by my mentally ill jailer and his imaginary wife. Evil EJ could not have planned a better torture for me.”

Gray EJ (shaking his head slightly): “Yet he didn’t.”

Good EJ looks up at Gray EJ incredulously.

Gray EJ (informatively): “Oh, yes, this is entirely Evil Crazy EJ’s idea. Evil EJ would have you stretched out on a rack somewhere with hot water dripping on your face.”

Good EJ (not entirely surprised): “I suppose that makes sense. I admit I wondered about the lovely pink color scheme and the pretty throw pillows. Yet I hate to say it, but that actually might be preferable. How does Evil EJ manage to put up with Evil Crazy EJ all day every day?”

Gray EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Put up with him? Evil EJ likes spending time with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. He’d never willingly admit it, but he purposely goes out of his way to do so. Heck, he’s got a bike ride scheduled with them tomorrow. He even stole the Barbie accessory off a girl’s bicycle the last time we were at Target and welded it onto Evil Crazy’s EJ’s bike so Samantha would have her own place to sit and Evil Crazy EJ wouldn’t have to hold her.”

Good EJ (amazed): “But Evil Crazy EJ is so exhausting! ‘Samantha says this,’ ‘Samantha wants that.’ He never lets up! It’s insane!”

Gray EJ (annoyed): “He’s insane. What’d you expect him to do? Only bother you for five minutes here and there? Of course he wants to play with you as much as he can. He’s never had a prisoner before. You’re lucky he hasn’t had a tea party with you yet.”

Good EJ (shaking his head): “Even the twins are never this frustrating.”

Gray EJ (devil’s advocate): “To you and I, yes. But not to Evil EJ. He is rational, and Evil Crazy EJ is insane, but besides that, they’re the same. Evil Crazy EJ looks up to Evil EJ, and Evil EJ appreciates having someone around who truly understands his evilness.”

Good EJ (surprised): “You don’t?

Gray EJ (shaking his head): “Mostly, but not completely. Not the innate way Evil Crazy EJ does. The insanity puts a different spin on the evil compared to my goodness. He revels in suffering just like Evil EJ does-he doesn’t try to diffuse it like I do.”

Good EJ (imploring): “Speaking of your good side, why don’t you indulge it, and let me out of here?”

Gray EJ (dryly as he folds his arms across his chest): “The way you did when you said I was Evil EJ’s pathetic lackey and nearly cracked my skull open?”

Good EJ cringes and looks up at Gray EJ apologetically.

Good EJ (regretfully): “I’m sorry.”

Gray EJ (not buying it): “No, you’re not. That’s the problem. You need to learn that you have to share with the rest of us.”

Good EJ (snidely): “Like Evil EJ does? But you listen to him even though he continually plays all of you.”

Gray EJ (shrugging): “He’s reasonable. Sure, he encourages us to be evil and tries to manipulate events so we choose the wrong thing. But he understands when I can’t stomach something, Hero EJ resists him, or Evil Crazy EJ would rather play with Samantha. He doesn’t force us to change. You do. And you don’t get to dictate what we do and do not do. We are all aspects of one unified personality, one Elvis DiMera. Just because you want us to be a weak, insipid git doesn’t mean we do.”

Good EJ (angrily): “Don’t you get it? Evil EJ is never going to let me out of here.”

Gray EJ (disagreeing): “Oh, he will. Even sharing being good is draining for him. He’s making up for the time he’s missed now, but he’ll eventually need you to handle the sickly sweet stuff that not even Hero EJ can stand.”

Good EJ (taking some comfort): “Assuming you’re right, that’s good, at least. I’m glad we’re still the white knight as we should be.”

Gray EJ ignores Good EJ’s remark and looks away from him as he pretends to see something off in the corner of the room.

Good EJ (wondering): “We are still sweet and gentle, aren’t we? Like we were in the Pub with the Immigration Agent?”

Gray EJ turns back to Good EJ as he makes a helpless gesture.

Gray EJ (sheepishly): “Mistakes were made.”

Good EJ (irate): “What in the heck do you mean mistakes were made?!”

Gray EJ (comparing): “Well, considering par for the course used to be controlling slaves with tarot cards, this is actually a step up for him.”

As Good EJ is about to press Gray EJ for the details of Evil EJ’s actions, he is interrupted by Evil Crazy EJ barely managing to carry his Samantha doll, his DVD player, and some DVDs into the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “We helped Evil EJ tape ‘Gossip Girl’ on the CW for you! Samantha knows how you like to get fashion ideas from the show as she noticed when you wore the pretty pink ribbon in your hair a few weeks ago just like your favorite character Serena. And then we can watch the movie ‘Glitter’ with your favorite musical artist Mariah Carey in order to celebrate the release of her exciting new album, ‘E=MC^2.’ Evil EJ says USA Today gave it 3 out of 4 stars.”

Good EJ (surprised at Evil Crazy EJ’s research): “I appreciate you trying to keep me occupied, Evil Crazy EJ, but that’s simply not necessary. All you have to do is let me out, and I will find things for me to do.”

Evil Crazy EJ (dismissively): “Samantha and I say no. Evil EJ is happy being in charge. You can be girly here.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Samantha! We take very good care of our prisoner! We will watch these with you even though they are not something we would normally tolerate. Samantha will make them better by making witty commentary, won’t you, sweetheart?”

Samantha: “…”

Good EJ (anything to avoid him): “That’s quite all right. I can watch them by myself.”

Evil Crazy EJ (listening to his wife): “No, Samantha insists. She says we must be hospitable.”

Gray EJ (taking his cue to leave): “Sounds good to me. I’ll go vacuum the living room.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “That’s a good idea, Gray EJ. Samantha spilled some of her chocolate milk earlier, but I helped her get most of it out of the carpet. We cannot see any of it at least.”

Good EJ (pleading to Gray EJ): “Please, don’t go. Please. Don’t leave me alone with him.”

Evil Crazy EJ (considering): “We really don’t like you very much either, Good EJ, but maybe it is because Samantha and I do not spend much time with you. While we are watching the DVDs, would you like to help us make a card listing all the ways Evil EJ is great? We are going to congratulate him for defeating you.”

Gray EJ (smirking): “Now who could refuse that? Have fun, you three. I’ll be back later.”

Gray EJ moves over to the doorway in order to leave the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (calling out): “Samantha says she wants chocolate cookies with chocolate chips, not almond cookies. She is still sorry about hitting you in the face with the plate last time, but she cannot promise that it will not happen again if she does not get the correct midmorning snack to fix her low blood sugar.”

Gray EJ (nods): “I’ll remember this time, I promise.”

Good EJ (screaming): “No, don’t go! Please don’t leave me!”

Gray EJ ignores Good EJ’s pleas and exits. Left alone with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha, Good EJ swallows nervously.

Evil Crazy EJ (hooking up the DVD player to Good EJ’s television): “Before I forget, Good EJ, Samantha would like to know what kind of lipgloss you wear so we know what to get you for Mother’s Day when we go shopping with Evil EJ. She says that her favorite brand Clinique has a new kind that just came out for the summer and that Fireberry would be a very good color on you.”

Staring at Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll in terror, Good EJ’s eyes widen, and he unconsciously begins rocking himself.

The Enemy Within

Locking the door behind him, Good EJ arrives at his apartment only to find it seemingly empty.

Good EJ (calling out): “Hello?”

Good EJ is met by silence as no one responds. After a minute, he moves into the living room.

Good EJ (louder): “Guys? Is anyone here?”

Unsure if anyone is home, Good EJ moves over to the bedroom hallway, cracks open the door, and peeks into Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha’s room only to see that Evil Crazy EJ is asleep with his arms wrapped around his Samantha doll.

Good EJ (to himself): “Okay, he’s taking a nap…but where is everyone else? They wouldn’t leave him alone by himself.”

Good EJ moves into Gray EJ’s room next and sees that he’s not there. Annoyed and unwilling to waste more time searching, Good EJ looks around and sighs.

Good EJ (shaking his head): “Figures. Evil EJ calls me out of the blue and insists we have to have an all EJ emergency meeting immediately, yet I’m the only one here ready for it. Now-mphfff!”

In one flowing motion, Evil EJ and Gray EJ appear from their hiding places and grab Good EJ as Evil EJ holds a rag with chloroform over Good EJ’s nose and mouth. Overwhelmed by the drug, Good EJ offers little resistance, and with their mission quickly accomplished, both Evil EJ and Gray EJ step back and let Good EJ’s body drop to the floor.

Evil EJ (pleased): “Sweet dreams, buttercup.”

With the remark delivered, Evil EJ and Gray EJ awkwardly stare at Good EJ’s unconscious form and each other for several moments.

Gray EJ (surprised): “That was easy.”

Evil EJ (scoffing): “Of course it was.”

Gray EJ (wondering): “Maybe…too easy?”

Evil EJ (irritated): “Do you doubt my competence?”

Gray EJ (defensive): “No. It’s just…I mean, it seems…”

Evil EJ (narrowing his eyes): “What?”

Gray EJ (treading very lightly): “I don’t know…a little…anticlimatic?”

Evil EJ (exasperated): “What did you expect? Some elaborate fight sce-”

Suddenly Good EJ raises his head and rises off of the floor, shocking both Evil EJ and Gray EJ. Caught by surprise, Evil EJ is unprepared to stop Good EJ as Good EJ grabs Evil EJ by his left arm and flips him across the room, knocking him into the opposite wall. Moving to neutralize the lesser threat next, Good EJ then moves over to Gray EJ and grabs him by the back of his neck.

Good EJ (sneering): “You pathetic lackey. You do whatever he says, don’t you?”

Gray EJ screams horrifically as Good EJ rams his head into the side of the nearby endtable and then slumps onto the floor. Watching his partner in crime taken out of the game, Evil EJ’s gaze hardens as he quickly collects himself and gets back on his feet.

Good EJ (challenging): “You really should have brought Hero EJ instead.”

Evil EJ (standing his ground): “Even with your increased strength from Samantha’s pure love, I can still take you, princess.”

Good EJ makes the first move as Evil EJ defends against the incoming uppercut, and the two men dissolve into a blur of motion. A flurry of punches, jabs, pushes, and blows are exchanged as neither EJ holds back from unleashing their pure hatred of the other. The battle drags on as Evil EJ fights with every dirty trick he can think of, barely keeping Good EJ’s superior physical strength at bay. Ultimately, this imbalance proves to be too much for him as Good EJ clamps both of his hands around Evil EJ’s neck. Enjoying his advantage, Good EJ rams Evil EJ into the side wall as Evil EJ frantically searches for a way to escape before he passes out.

Good EJ (slamming Evil EJ’s head against the wall): “What, no caustic remarks? Oh, wait, your vile mind didn’t expect this, did it? Didn’t think I was smart enough to know what you were up to? Didn’t believe I could hold my breath and fake being unconscious? I’ve been planning this just as long as you have. That’s why I’ve been acting like a lobotomy patient on screen the past couple of weeks-to lull you into a false sense of security.”

Evil EJ (pushing back against Good EJ’s hold): “Just as I have underestimated you, you underestimate me. You’re not going to win this, you one trick pony.”

Good EJ (relishing Evil EJ squirm): “Seems to me I already have. You can’t beat me. You remember our little chat a while back where you told me, ‘Enjoy Samantha while it lasts?’ Unfortunately for you, I have no intention of ever giving her up, much less subjecting her to your depravity.”

Evil EJ (adamant): “And you’re going to do what exactly? You can’t kill me.”

Good EJ (the light shining in his eyes): “No, I can’t. But a full body cast and intractable coma sounds about right to me.”

Evil EJ (beyond enraged): “And you call yourself a good man?! You self-righteous sanctimonious hypocrite!”

Good EJ (hissing as he slams Evil EJ’s head on the wall again): “On the contrary! I’ve had a lot of time to think about our situation, and getting rid of you is the only option. You’re the reason Gray EJ and Evil Crazy EJ don’t listen to me. They follow right behind your corrupting influence. In order to save them, I have to remove you. And if I thought I could bring you over to the light too, I’d find a way to eradicate the blackness etched into your soul. But I know that’s never going to happen…so I’ve been looking forward to this, you disgusting, worthless snake.”

Suddenly Good EJ howls in pain as Evil Crazy EJ sinks his teeth into Good EJ’s right leg. Forced to deal with the pure agony in his limb, Good EJ twists and kicks Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha away from him as they detach in order to bite him again. Taking advantage of the misdirection, Evil EJ breaks the hold on his neck, pushes Good EJ away from him, and draws his gun out from beneath his suit jacket. Flipping the weapon in his hand, he grabs the barrel and backhands Good EJ across the face. As Good EJ stumbles backward, Evil EJ hits his opponent again and again, sheer rage burning in his eyes. Eventually Good EJ drops to his knees from the relentless assult and fearfully looks up at Evil EJ.

Good EJ (pleading): “Please…please don’t…I-I’m sorry.”

Without hesitation, Evil EJ pistolwhips Good EJ one final time. Reeling from the blow, Good EJ’s eyes roll back into his head, and his body drops to the floor with a thud.

Evil EJ (darkly): “I’m not.”

Wiping the blood off his chin in one smooth motion and then massaging his neck, Evil EJ smirks in delight, savoring his victory over his archnemesis. Unharmed, Evil Crazy EJ crawls over and repeatedly hits Good EJ’s body with his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (cheering on his wife): “That’s right, Samantha! Teach him a lesson!”

Evil EJ (mockingly to Gray EJ): “Happy now?”

Less than pleased with his lack of self-defense prowess, Gray EJ painfully pulls himself into a sitting position and places a hand against the gash on his forehead.

Gray EJ (wincing): “You’re right, the let down was better…ow.”

Evil EJ removes his black handkerchief from his pocket and cleans Good EJ’s blood off his firearm before reholstering it beneath his suit jacket.

Gray EJ (annoyed): “If you’re so good at bludgeoning with your gun, why didn’t you try that in the beginning?”

Evil EJ (quietly): “I almost didn’t bring it. I didn’t want to give myself the opportunity to do something I’d regret.”

Gray EJ’s eyes widen as he realizes that depending on the chosen aim, Evil EJ losing control and shooting Good EJ could be the death of all five EJs.

Gray EJ (exhaling): “Sorry I asked.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “You should be.”

Ignoring Good EJ’s unconscious form, Evil EJ walks over to where Evil Crazy EJ has stopped hitting Good EJ and placed his Samantha into his lap.

Evil EJ (very grateful as he kneels down): “Thank you, Evil Crazy EJ.”

Evil EJ (talking to the doll): “Thank you, Samantha.”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “You’re welcome! We are happy we could help!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Yes, sweetheart, when we heard Gray EJ scream like a little girl, we woke up and knew something was very wrong! So we came to the rescue! Samantha and I hesitated at first because we remembered what you told us about not biting people even though we are very good at it, but then we thought some more, and we decided that because Good EJ was a pansy and not a person, it was okay. So we distracted him!”

Evil EJ (agreeably): “And you did. Gray EJ and I didn’t mean to leave you out of this, but we didn’t want you or Samantha to get hurt. Turns out we needn’t have worried as we were the ones who needed your assistance, eh?”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “That’s right, my dear. You are a very good ninjitsu sensei.”

Still sitting on the floor, Gray EJ is somewhat disturbed that neither Evil EJ nor Evil Crazy EJ appear to be concerned about Good EJ bleeding profusely from his head and leg wounds.

Gray EJ (interrupting): “Um, we’re going to clean him up, right? I mean, he’ll get an infection or something if we don’t.”

Evil EJ (looking over at Gray EJ and frowning): “I suppose. I am not wasting my money on antibiotics or transfusions for little miss sunshine.”

Evil EJ (turning back to Evil Crazy EJ): “Now with Good EJ incapacitated, it’s time for your plan. Are you and Samantha ready?”

Grinning broadly, Evil Crazy EJ raises both hands in the air in victory.

Evil Crazy EJ (beyond excited): “YES! Samantha has been looking forward to this for weeks! We have all the sheet metal and the cotton candy pink paint and the hand blow torch and everything that you helped us pick out when we went to Lowe’s, the home improvement place!”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Well, now’s the time. Why don’t you start moving everything you two need into Good EJ’s room, and after I get Gray EJ cleaned up, we’ll move Good EJ in there and help you put the cage together.”

Evil Crazy EJ (getting up): “That sounds good to us. Samantha and I are grateful for the assistance. We will change out of our pajamas into our construction clothing as well.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (listening to his wife): “I think so too, darling. The decorative brass molding will be a very classy touch.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha chat as they leave the room. After he extends himself to his full height, Evil EJ moves over to Gray EJ and offers his support as Gray EJ slowly stands.

Evil EJ (annoyed): “Being torn between the light and the darkness completely nullifies any fighting ability you should possess, doesn’t it? Could you be any less helpful?”

Gray EJ (groaning): “It’s not like I don’t try, you know.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Oh, you try, alright. It’s the succeeding part you have a real problem with.”

Evil EJ assists Gray EJ as they move into the living room of the apartment. Gray EJ gratefully sits down on the couch as Evil EJ moves to grab the first aid kit out of the kitchen closet. Bringing it over to the coffee table, Evil EJ sits down on the couch next to Gray EJ and quickly patches up Gray EJ’s head wound.

Gray EJ (sitting still): “I have to say, Evil EJ, I appreciate you doing this because normally Hero EJ woul-AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Gray EJ screams in pain as Evil EJ puts way too much ointment on his injury.

Evil EJ (enjoying himself): “I probably should have mentioned that was going to sting a bit.”

Gray EJ (catching on): “You sick bastard. You’re enjoying hurting me.”

Evil EJ (chuckling): “You know me so well, yet you fall for it every time.”

Gray EJ (wincing): “So what now? After Good EJ is locked up, I mean.”

Evil EJ (applying a bandage to Gray EJ’s wound): “After I’m done with you, I’ll text Hero EJ that the plan was a success. I’m letting him go first since he needs so little time anyway, and we need to finish up things here. Instead of our new captive, he will be the one meeting Samantha and the twins at Roman’s place shortly, and I’ll pick up from him later tonight. As long as the twins cooperate, I’ve already got a lovely dinner and bubble bath planned.”

Gray EJ (tilting his head slightly): “She should appreciate that. I can tell you’re excited.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “You have no idea. Even if I cannot reveal all of my true colors.”

Finished with bandaging Gray EJ’s injury, Evil EJ puts the first aid supplies back into their kit and stands up. As Gray EJ rests for a moment, Evil EJ grabs his cell phone from his pocket, his thumb dancing over the keypad as he types out his message and sends it to Hero EJ. After a few moments, Hero EJ replies back, and Evil EJ smiles as he reads the response.

Evil EJ (moving towards Gray EJ’s room as he puts his cell phone away): “Hero EJ is on his way now, so come on. We need to get everything together before Good EJ wakes up, even if we’re going to tie him up in the meantime just in case. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha will want him to awaken in the finished product for the maximum effect.”

Gray EJ (slowly getting off the couch and following as he grabs the first aid kit off the coffee table): “And we’re going to take care of his injuries so he doesn’t get gangrene or something, right?”

Evil EJ (dismissively as he waves his hand): “Yes, yes…must you remind me?”

Gray EJ (pointedly):“Someone has to. And speaking of which, now that you’re in charge again, you have to pretend to be good, Evil EJ. And you have to share Samantha with the rest of us.”

Evil EJ (sublimely): “I will. I promise.”

Pact of Righteousness

Just out of sight on the fire escape, Hero EJ watches Good EJ and Sami through the window outside Sami’s apartment. Good EJ smugly nods slightly to Hero EJ when he sees Hero EJ looking at him and Sami before he turns his attention back to the movie they are watching together. Hero EJ levies a neutral expression back yet clenches his right fist at his side.

Hero EJ (muttering to himself): “Arrogant git.”

Sinister Voice (from behind): “Even the valiant get frustrated, eh? Sentry duty is just not as romantic as they make it out to be in the comic books or crime novels.”

Cursing himself for dropping his guard, Hero EJ turns around to see that Evil EJ is standing before him.

Hero EJ (displeased): “You.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “You think anyone else would bother to come visit you when it’s this cold out? Gray EJ is refusing to even get out of bed this morning.”

Evil EJ (putting out his hand): “I come with a peace offering. A white chocolate mocha for the most courageous of hearts.”

Hero EJ makes no move to accept the drink and merely glares at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (pressing): “Come on now, you don’t want the work of the poor girl who spent time getting your extra milk just right go to waste, do you? After all, you’ve read about Starbucks in the news, haven’t you? How the CEO shut each location down for three hours and made the workers sign some paper proclaiming their dedication to quality coffee? As if that will help them in a downturned economy.”

Thirsty and cold, Hero EJ rationalizes that he will need fuel to continue his vigil, so he reluctantly takes the coffee and sips silently. Evil EJ grins in response.

Evil EJ (encouraged): “Annoying, isn’t he?”

Hero EJ (defensive): “He’s a good man.”

Evil EJ (seizing the initiative): “Precisely the problem. All those traits you value so much like honesty, strength, compassion, loyalty…he is the one embodying them, not you. And that grates on you, doesn’t it?”

Evil EJ (continuing): “It was supposed to be you, all that build up to Stefano kidnapping Gianni and a showdown in Ireland where you would shine as the knight you are. You were so looking forward to it because you would have gotten to run the show for so many days, but then one of TPTB’s whimsical direction changes struck and…poof, nothing. And here you are, reduced to watching your adored princess through paned glass instead of being by her side where you can always keep an eye on her.”

Hero EJ (reaching): “It could be worse.”

Evil EJ (insidiously): “It could, but this is especially hard on you, isn’t it? You got the perfect storyline to have Samantha at your side in order to keep her safe, which is everything you’ve ever wanted, right in front of you only to have it taken away. Moreover, he gave the few scenes he hasn’t been in to Gray EJ when you’re supposed to be his number two. You’re the other good EJ.”

Hero EJ (turning his head slightly): “And you.”

Evil EJ (scoffing): “Hardly. I took that. Sleep or not, Samantha should know better than to wear anything from Hot Topic in front of us.”

Hero EJ (curious): “How exactly did you manage that anyway?”

Evil EJ (surveying the view): “True brilliance needs no explanation.”

Hero EJ (considering): “Fair enough. Evil EJ, I appreciate the company and the warm beverage, but you and I spent last summer at each other’s throats.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “We did. One upping each other while saving Samantha over and over again. But through it all, we had an uneasy alliance because we both have her best interests at heart. We had...an understanding.”

Hero EJ (drinking his coffee): “I understand that I should throw you off this fire escape.”

Evil EJ (continuing): “You’d certainly like to, but what you’ve always lacked in reasonableness you’ve made up for in intelligence. You know you can’t do that, just as you know that you only need a little time with the fair Samantha. You don’t require much…five minutes here, ten minutes there, but now you’re getting nothing. And even the knight needs to take his armor off sometimes, don’t you, sunshine?”

Hero EJ (narrowing his eyes): “And I suppose you crawled out from under your rock in order to lighten my load.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “I live to serve others.”

Hero EJ (astutely): “Only after yourself and if it amuses you. I know firsthand you don’t like the passenger’s seat, Evil EJ. You’re planning to overthrow Good EJ, and you wouldn’t dare approach me unless you had both Evil Crazy EJ and Gray EJ already sown up.”

Evil EJ (slightly annoyed): “Indeed. Unusually blunt today, aren’t we, Sir Gawain?”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “You’re correct. I am frustrated. So get to the point. What exactly are you offering me?”

Evil EJ (pointing): “You join with me, you get to spend time with your fair maiden. And quality time, mind you. Gray EJ has already nicely volunteered to take all of those out of focus standing around in the background scenes in addition to reaction shots when other people are speaking.”

Hero EJ (inclining his head towards Evil EJ): “How do I know that the moment you take over, you won’t try to monopolize her the way you tried to last time?”

Evil EJ (grimacing): “I can’t this time around, unfortunately. As much as I rail against Days’ morality laws, Gray EJ is right about needing to maintain the redemption, and that means keeping up the façade of a better man, even if both him and myself are going to attempt to darken us somewhat. But that works in your favor. There will be times that the purity will be too much for either him or me to withstand, and that means that for those moments, that’s your time to stand out as the classic romantic hero. You will get to be Samantha’s protector, in every sense of the word.”

Hero EJ (weighing the offer): “What exactly do you want me to do?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “I know better than to ask you to help us entrap Good EJ. I just need you to not interfere. Be somewhere else when we take him. I’ll be sure to pick a time when Samantha and the twins don’t need surveillance so you needn’t worry. Go visit that exhibit on medieval weaponry at the Salem History Museum that you like so much or something. I know you could look at those ancient swords for hours.”

After Evil EJ finishes, Hero EJ looks at him. The seconds turn into minutes.

Evil EJ (annoyed): “Look, this is already hard enough for me as it is, you ungrateful maggot.”

Hero EJ (nonchalantly): “Since when does selling someone on an idea include insulting them?”

Evil EJ (through gritted teeth): “Fine. I apologize.”

After more silence, Evil EJ realizes the reason for the delay and what Hero EJ is actually looking for. Pushing his disgust down, Evil EJ tries not to look at Hero EJ as he offers it.

Evil EJ (softly): “As much as I hate to say it, we…need you.”

Very reluctantly, Evil EJ extends his arm and offers his hand.

Evil EJ (painfully): “Please.”

The air hangs in the space around them as Hero EJ looks at Evil EJ. In his peripheral vision, Hero EJ sees a glimpse of Sami laughing through the window. A shadow of longing falls onto his face, and the decision is instantly made as he grasps Evil EJ’s hand and shakes it.

Hero EJ (reluctantly): “All right.”

Evil EJ (brightening): “Splendid. You won’t regret it.”

Hero EJ (wistfully): “I already do.”

Evil EJ (happily): “Your conscience? You really need to look into getting that removed.”

Hero EJ (sadly): “Perhaps I already have. I never would have even considered this before. Here I am, one of the two light side EJs conspiring with you, the champion of darkness and my sworn adversary, to bring down my most trusted ally.”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “Oh come on, he’s never going to let us in willingly. He needs to learn how to share. I have. Speaking of which, I better get back to our apartment. I promised Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha that we’d watch Dexter now that CBS has saved me the trouble of censoring the swearwords.”

Hero EJ (nicely): “I bet he’ll like that. Tell him and Gray EJ I say hi.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Certainly. And I’ll text you before our game gets underway.”

Hero EJ (wondering): “Soon? With me onboard, I imagine there’s little left to be prepared.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Soon…but not too soon. As you know, timing is everything. See you later, vanguard.”

Hero EJ nods at Evil EJ as Evil EJ moves and swiftly climbs down the ladder of the fire escape. Turning his attention back towards his self-appointed duty, Hero EJ enviously watches Good EJ and Sami through the window.

Hero EJ (hardening): “Virtue is never its own reward, Good EJ.”

Twisted Love

In the living room in EJ’s apartment, Evil Crazy EJ is dressed in his Batman Halloween costume, and Samantha is dressed in her She-Ra outfit.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “It is time for another amazing adventure of Princess Samantha and her crimefighting partner, Super EJ! Together this powercouple patrol the mean streets of Salem keeping everyone except Lucas safe and rescuing kitties stuck in trees!”

As Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha pretend to fly around the room, Evil EJ and Gray EJ sit at a card table near the window.

Gray EJ (examining his hand): “Do you have any eights?”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Go fish.”

Good EJ opens the door to the apartment and enters, nearly knocking into Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha as he does so.

Good EJ (apologizing): “Oh, I’m sorry, Evil Crazy EJ. I should have looked before opening the door all the way.”

Evil Crazy EJ (still pretending to fly): “Yes, Princess Samantha says that you should be more careful, good citizen!”

Evil EJ (looking up): “Oh, if it isn’t Rainbow Brite deigning us with her presence. Did you finally remember that you forgot your spine? I think I saw it in your room next to your Bratz dolls.”

Gray EJ (smiling): “Hi, Good EJ. How’s Samantha and the twins?”

Good EJ (nicely): “Everyone’s fine, and if you watched the show from two Fridays ago, Evil EJ, you’d know that I was as firm with Samantha as I needed to be. What are you two doing?”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha stop for a moment.

Evil Crazy EJ (excitedly): “It is The Go Fish Tournament of Losers! I beat Gray EJ, Samantha beat Evil EJ, and Samantha beat me! So Gray EJ and Evil EJ are playing to see who is the best loser!”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha resume their patrolling.

Good EJ (considering): “Obviously you threw your match, Gray EJ, but I’m surprised you lost to Samantha, Evil EJ.”

Evil EJ (unperturbed): “Alas, one’s best sometimes still falls short. But you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?”

Good EJ (snide): “Actually I came back to let you all know where I was. I convinced Samantha to take a break from the current plot, so I had a wonderful Valentine’s Day dinner and evening with her and our children. Samantha was touched by the pendant I bought her on behalf of Gianni and Ali, so much so that she agreed to let the twins stay with Caroline and spend a nice long weekend with me in Paris.”

Gray EJ (imagining): “That sounds lovely.”

Evil EJ (extremely jealous): “A bit trite, but there is no better place than the City of Lights to preromance a woman.”

The three EJs look at each other for a moment before bursting out in laughter.

Gray EJ (holding back tears): “That is never going to get old, is it?”

Good EJ (shaking his head): “No, I don’t believe it will, along with us and Samantha not being a couple.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Indeed. I’ll preromance someone, alright.”

After the laughter dies down, Good EJ sees that Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha are still pretending to fly in the far other side of the room. He clears his throat uneasily.

Good EJ (unsure how to proceed): “Can I ask you a question, Evil EJ?”

Evil EJ (looking at his cards): “You already did, cupcake. Hand over your fours, Gray EJ.”

Gray EJ (obeying): “You could at least pretend to ask, you know.”

Good EJ (looking around the apartment): “Have you ever thought about getting some help for Evil Crazy EJ? I mean, I hate to bring it up, but this place is a complete mess. His toys and the rest of his belongings are everywhere along with what appears to be cookie crumbs ground into the carpet.”

Gray EJ (looking up at Good EJ): “Don’t worry about it. Evil EJ and I are going to clean everything up once we’re done with this match.”

Evil EJ (nodding at Good EJ): “I would have done it myself earlier today, but I had some stocks to short.”

Good EJ (frowning slightly): “Okay, but that’s not what I mean. Evil Crazy EJ needs some help beyond housekeeping.”

Evil EJ (not liking where the conversation is going): “I’m all the help Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha could possibly need, and how dare you imply otherwise.”

Good EJ (now defensive): “I’ll do more than that. Have you thought about taking Evil Crazy EJ to see a specialist?”

Evil EJ (eyes narrowing): “No, and if I were you, I’d chose your next words very carefully.”

Good EJ (gesturing): “You’re two grown men playing a children’s card game because he would throw a fit if you didn’t.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “And your point is? Would it be more socially acceptable if we were playing poker? Do you suddenly care about being embarrassed now that my Samantha is pretending to warm up to you?”

Good EJ (scoffing): “Of course not, and my Samantha is seeing that we are a better man now.”

Gray EJ opens his mouth to speak only to have Evil EJ beat him to it.

Evil EJ (firmly): “He’s happy. A lot happier than you, Hero EJ, Gray EJ, or even I could ever hope to be.”

Good EJ (disagreeing): “He’s content. He’s twenty-nine years old-”

Evil EJ (interrupting with mock surprise): “Oh, really? He’s the same age as the rest of us? Thank you for informing us, you-”

Good EJ (plowing ahead): “He’s twenty-nine years old, and his life consists of playing and carrying a plastic doll with him everywhere he goes. He has nothing. No job, no friends-”

Evil EJ (irate): “I am his friend! So is Gray EJ here as long as he stays on his good side. You’re certainly not. You barely spend any time with him. Why do you care?”

Good EJ (insistent): “Someone has to since you appear to be fine with this quality of life for him. Look at what he’s doing right now! But that’s just fine with you, eh? Don’t want any competition for the top evil slot, now do you? You want to keep him like this so that position always belongs to you.”

Good EJ (insinuating at he moves his hand): “You pretend that you’re his best friend, but you really don’t care for him at all.”

Evil EJ (enraged as he stands): “Care for him?!! I am the one who takes him and Samantha to the park! I am the one who buys their toys! I’m the one who calms him down when he gets scared by the vacuum cleaner! Spare me your self-righteous indignation. The only person he needs to be saved from is you subjecting him to some stupid experiments that will only scare him.”

Good EJ (unwilling to give up): “But what if he doesn’t have to be this way? What if we can help him? What if something we try works, and he’s not crazy anymore?”

Evil EJ (pressing): “What if it does? And one day Samantha’s not there waiting for him when he wakes up in the morning? He’d rather die than lose his wife.”

Good EJ (rolling his eyes): “His wife? She’s a Barbie doll! You indulging him in his delusions only reinforces the fantasy.”

Evil EJ (firmly): “She’s just as real to him as we are. There is no doubt in his mind that she is the real Samantha who loves him wholeheartedly.”

Evil EJ (pointing animatedly in Evil Crazy EJ’s direction): “You break his faith in her, and you’ll never be able to repair it. What happens to him if he loses that, yet he still slips back into this psychosis after his mind adjusts to whatever worthless medication you put him on? He’d never be able to cope. He needs her.”

Good EJ (seething): “Only because you enable him.”

Evil EJ (defiant): “On the contrary. I free him to live for himself and what he wants.”

Good EJ (shaking his head): “No, you keep him in this state so he’s easier to control. He’d be better off without you pretending to care for him.”

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “You touch a hair on Evil Crazy EJ’s or Samantha’s heads, and you will cough your heart out through your throat, you useless meatbag.”

Suddenly Good EJ and Evil EJ turn their heads at the same time and look down at Gray EJ.

Good EJ and Evil EJ (in unison): “What do you think?”

Torn, Gray EJ has a blank look on his face as his eyes dart between the two. After several moments of silence, he eventually speaks slowly.

Gray EJ (ever so carefully): “Well…I wish we could help Evil Crazy EJ too, Good EJ, but Evil EJ is his primary caregiver. It’s his decision.”

His pretend flying catching up with him, Evil Crazy EJ crashes into the side table next to the door and knocks it over, spilling its contents and himself onto the floor. Unhurt, Evil Crazy EJ laughs while Good EJ looks at Evil EJ and shakes his head in disgust.

Good EJ (narrowing his eyes): “I have to get back to Samantha and the twins, but this isn’t over. Not by a long shot.”

Good EJ leaves the apartment in a huff and calms himself down in the hallway before entering Sami’s apartment.

Evil EJ (ignoring the previous conversation and looking at what Evil Crazy EJ knocked onto the floor): “I see that your brown vase has survived unscathed. How unfortunate.”

Gray EJ (insulted): “I’ll have you know I paid good money for that.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “I suppose you have a point. With something that ugly, the landfill would just reject it anyway for fear that it would contaminate the rest of the garbage.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “I think that’s enough flying for today, right, Samantha? Samantha?”

With his keen powers of observation, Evil EJ sees that Samantha has been thrown into the middle of the room and lost her right arm in the process.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried at he looks around): “Samantha? Samantha, are you okay?”

Evil EJ walks over and picks Samantha and her now loose limb up off the floor and covers the disconnected joint with his right hand before Evil Crazy EJ can see.

Evil EJ (smiling): “Evil Crazy EJ, I’m having a tough time with Gray EJ here in our tournament. Since she’s the champion, I’d like to ask Samantha for some assistance if she doesn’t mind.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Of course not. Tell her I’ll be right back.”

Evil Crazy EJ picks himself off the floor and heads off to the bathroom. Once he has left the room, Evil EJ sits down at the card table and snaps Samantha’s arm back into place as Gray EJ watches.

Gray EJ (amazed): “How’d you do that without cracking the plastic?”

Evil EJ (smoothly): “I am a man of many talents, and like so many other things in life, there’s a trick to it.”

Evil Crazy EJ comes back into the room and happily takes Samantha from Evil EJ as Evil EJ picks up his cards.

Evil Crazy EJ (wondering): “How did it go? Did he listen to your advice?”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (lighting up): “That’s fantastic! Samantha is so glad she could help you, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ is surprised as Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha suddenly hug him.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking at Evil EJ’s cards after the hug): “Ehehe…yes, Samantha! Evil EJ is going to win now!”

After he thinks for a moment, Gray EJ looks at Evil EJ in disbelief.

Gray EJ (incredulously): “You do have eights! You’re cheating at go fish?!!”

Evil EJ (indignant): “One practices one’s skills where one can.”

Tired from his day with Samantha, Evil Crazy EJ yawns loudly but before Evil EJ can suggest anything, Evil Crazy EJ speaks.

Evil Crazy EJ (insistent): “Samantha and I don’t want to go to bed yet. It is a holiday! That means we stay up late!”

Evil EJ (understanding): “That’s fine. Why don’t you two look at the Valentine’s Day presents you gave to each other then? Gray EJ and I need to finish our game.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Okay! I love the pastel set that Samantha gave me, and Samantha can try on her new red dress!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (grinning): “I’m so happy you like it so much, Samantha! Evil EJ helped me pick it out.”

Chatting with each other, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha head off to their room. After they have left, quiet hangs in the air as Evil EJ and Gray EJ stare at each other.

Gray EJ (simply): “I’m in.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Excellent.”

Evil EJ (setting his hand down on the table): “Nothing is ever truly fifty-fifty, eh?”

Gray EJ (annoyed): “Not when our supposed leader is a total moron. I would like to help Evil Crazy EJ too, but we can’t. We are aspects of one unified personality. Trying to alter our given natures is a road we cannot afford to go down. We are already balanced between the light and the dark with you and Evil Crazy EJ on one side, Good EJ and Hero EJ on the other, and me in the middle. If we try to make Evil Crazy EJ sane, the worse case scenario is we all die. Best case scenario, nothing we do will work, and he’ll remain as he is. Most likely scenario…”

Gray EJ shrugs.

Gray EJ (thinking aloud): “I don’t know. I’d like to say the latter, but we cannot risk the former. And you’re right that in any case we can’t take Samantha away from him. It’d be one thing if we knew we could maintain his lucidity once we achieved it, but with his level of insanity, odds are we’d just make things worse. He’s just too far gone. Medical science currently isn’t at the point where we can easily treat someone as lost as him without disabling side effects. He’s much more functional this way than as some drugged up zombie.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “You’ve always had our best interests at heart.”

Gray EJ (giving Evil EJ a look): “And you know that, which is why I have no doubt that you purposely encouraged Evil Crazy EJ to play superhero today and chose not to clean up earlier in case Good EJ dropped by. But he still went for the opening you gave him, and that’s…troubling. He wasn’t like this a few months ago.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “True. Given that redemption appears to be sticking this time, I think he believes he does not need to oblige us, yet we must accommodate him.”

Gray EJ (sighing): “Yes, and that’s simply not fair. We have rights too. What’s next, he demands Hero EJ not come and go as he pleases? I can’t be good and evil? You can’t defraud credit card companies?”

Evil EJ (pleased): “I had no doubt you’d be on the winning team, Gray EJ.”

Gray EJ (crestfallen): “I won’t lie. He was getting on my nerves with his refusal to share Samantha. Still I really, really don’t like that it had to come to this. I mean, we’re planning a coup.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Well, I do like that it has come to this, but I understand. We’ve never had to resort to force before. The turnover between EJs has always been easy and bloodless up to this point.”

Gray EJ (shaking his head): “Well, there’s a first time for everything, I suppose. So now what? As you mentioned, we have Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha on our side, but that still leaves Hero EJ. How are we going to deal with him, especially since this means seceding control to you?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “I’ve ran though the possible scenarios in my head, and I do not believe physical confrontation will work. Even though we outnumber him, Hero EJ always manages to turn the odds in his favor. Based upon last summer, I suspect he has the power to alter probability, so he always wins in any given situation.”

Gray EJ (considering): “So what then? We’re not going to be able to convince him.”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Yes, but we don’t have to. I will bargain with him.”

Gray EJ (wondering): “What do you have that he could possibly want?”

Evil EJ (quietly): “Samantha.”

Gray EJ (acknowledging): “That angle just might work. In any case, I am on your side, but there’s one condition I have in addition to me getting some air time.”

Evil EJ (crossing his arms): “I thought there would be. You can only suppress the goodness so long, can’t you?”

Gray EJ (firmly): “We are redeemed now. You cannot jeopardize that.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “I have no intention of doing so.”

Gray EJ (warning): “You better not. With John being Santeen’s son, the Brady/Horton domination of the show was broken, but we’re still stuck with the rest of Days’ morality laws, and that means evil people cannot be loved. We’re not going to be able to get around them no matter what. So nothing truly evil like stealing internal organs.”

Evil EJ (accepting): “No one needs a kidney right now, Gray EJ, and yes, I understand. I’ve had more than enough time to think about the subject, and while you and I can bend those rules by interjecting as much darkness as we can into the white template we’ve been reinvented with, we will have to keep up the better man act the rest of the time if we want time with Samantha.”

Gray EJ (pleased): “Agreed.”

Evil EJ (getting up and straightening his suit jacket): “Then it’s decided. Now that’s settled, I’d better check on Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. His protests aside, I assume I will have to put them to bed, but I’ll be back to finish our game and clean up the apartment afterwards.”

Evil EJ moves towards Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha’s room as Gray EJ speaks.

Gray EJ (quietly): “Evil EJ?”

Evil EJ stops in the doorway of Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha’s room and turns around.

Gray EJ (openly): “I know about the psychiatrists you’ve met and the mental health references you hide in your desk. If you believed there was even the slightest hope of helping Evil Crazy EJ, you already would have.”

Evil EJ (corner of his mouth turning up): “Thank you, you waste of flesh.”

Gray EJ (chuckling in spite of himself): “Anytime.”