Thursday, February 28, 2008

Local Salem Commercial Break

Did someone else intercept the murder weapon that you idiotically sent to yourself? Have the police finally connected the disappearances of all those homeless people? Are you looking at spending many years behind bars because your freezer truck malfunctioned? Then contact Elvis DiMera, Evil Attorney at Law.

I know what you’re thinking, darling. How can a guy with a law degree suddenly retconned into his background properly defend me, and as an Englishman, how would I even know American criminal law? One word: experience. It’s because I’ve personally been in your situation myself and beaten the system every single damn time. Here’s a short summary of the crimes I’ve allegedly committed and never went to prison for:

• stalking
• arson by proxy
• bribery
• contracting without a license
• public drunkenness
• extortion
• assault of a police officer
• conspiracy to commit murder
• attempted murder
• organ harvesting
• corruption of a minor
• littering
• slander
• breaking and entering
• and many, many more!

Not only was I never convicted, none of these unfair accusations even made it to trial. As far as the law is concerned, I am an outstanding pillar of Salem’s community, and with my help, you will be too.

And I’m not alone. Once I take on your case, my other four personalities will be working round the clock to exonerate you as well. Good EJ will be by your side 24/7 for all your comforting needs. Hero EJ will spend hours combing over every single detail of your case looking for the evidence that will get you off scott free. Gray EJ will call a press conference announcing that he is setting up a foundation in order to find the real perpetrator of the crime. Finally, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha will discredit the entire Salem P.D. and the D.A.’s office by committing an imaginative and bloody crime spree that will take the heat off you.

So give me, Elvis DiMera, Evil Attorney at Law, a call at 555-ALLEGED or come see me in person at the corner of County Road E and Highway 65 right above my Used Vehicle Emporium. And remember my motto: Innocent until proven guilty.