Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I Lost on Jeopardy


As the lights come up on stage, Evil Crazy EJ, his Samantha, Hero EJ, Gray EJ, and Good EJ are standing behind the contestant podiums.

Carpe (disembodied voice): “Welcome to America’s favorite quiz show, Jeopardy! And here’s your host, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ appears on the stage and grins as he waves to the audience.

Evil EJ (enjoying the attention): “Welcome to Jeopardy. I’m your host, Evil EJ.”

Good EJ (surprised): “You’re not playing?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Well, that wouldn’t be very sporting of me now, would it? This is supposed to be a contest, after all.”

Good EJ (annoyed): “And you’d wipe the floor with us?”

Evil EJ (darkly): “Put together.”

Evil EJ (back in host mode): “Let’s meet our contestants, shall we? Our first contestant enjoys romantic candlelit dinners, cuddling by a warm fireplace, and letting his woman walk all over him. Here he is, Good EJ.”

Good EJ (imploring): “I am only doing what needs to be done. I am trying to show Samantha that we are a better man now.”

Evil EJ (unconvinced): “Is that what you call being whipped? Our second contestant enjoys subterfuge, wearing plastic gloves, and being torn between two sides. Here he is, Gray EJ.”

Gray EJ (nodding): “I’m glad to be here, Evil EJ.”

Evil EJ: “Excellent. And our third contestant enjoys coloring, waffles, and spending time with his wife, who he was nice enough to bring along with him today. Here they are, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. Hero EJ here has graciously agreed to assist them.”

Good EJ (objecting): “That’s not fair. Why does he get extra help?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Would you prefer that he let his beloved Samantha hit the buzzer instead, and we spend all day arguing about whether she came in first or not?”

Hero EJ (nodding): “I’m just here to buzz in for them. I will not be actually playing the game.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes! I already have Samantha to help me play!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “Yes, Samantha! We are very happy to be here, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ: “Right you are. Let us take a look at the board. Gray EJ, you won the backstage toss, so you choose first.”

Gray EJ: “Potent Potables for 100, Evil EJ.”

Evil EJ: “This drink that we often order is also favored by James Bond.”

Gray EJ: “What is a vodka martini?”

Evil EJ: “That is correct.”

Gray EJ: “Potent Potables for 200.”

Evil EJ: “And the answer is Samantha’s favorite drink.”

Evil Crazy EJ (firmly): “What is chocolate milk?”

Evil EJ (clarifying): “I’m sorry, by drink we mean alcoholic beverage.”

Good EJ: “What is a shandy?”

Evil EJ: “Correct.”

Good EJ: “Potent Potables for 300.”

Evil EJ: “The answer is, what I, Evil EJ, drank to toast my impending nuptials.”

Evil Crazy EJ (hesitant): “Samantha says what is champagne?”

Evil EJ: “She is correct.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “Same thing for 400.”

Evil EJ: “What we drank on the pier when we were drunk.”

Good EJ (reaching): “What is some sort of brandy? I couldn’t read the label on the bottle.”

Evil EJ (shrugging): “Neither could I. Close enough for me, so that’s correct.”

Good EJ (finishing the category): “Potent Potables for 500.”

Evil EJ (reading): “The answer is the name of this category.”

Gray EJ (jumping in): “What is alliteration?”

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “No.”

Good EJ (going for it): “What is Potent Potables?”

Evil EJ (insulted): “Of course not, you clumsy imbecile.”

The contestants look around blankly as an annoying out of time sound effect is heard.

Evil EJ (reading the card): “I’m sorry, we were looking for what is retarded? What is retarded.”

Appalled, Good EJ shakes his head and Hero EJ crosses his arms in disgust while Gray EJ unsuccessfully tries to stifle a snicker.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Samantha, that was funny!”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Thank you. Good EJ, you have the board.”

Good EJ (annoyed): “No, it wasn’t. Know Your EJs for 100.”

Evil EJ: “This EJ thought that a freezer truck was a good way to kill someone.”

Evil Crazy EJ (defending): “Who is Evil Crazy EJ! And it was! Lucas got all cold!”

Evil EJ (ignoring): “That is correct, although we will agree to disagree on the effectiveness of the method. Choose a category.”

Evil Crazy EJ: “Samantha says Know Your EJs for 200!”

Evil EJ: “This EJ comes and goes as he pleases.”

Gray EJ: “Who is Hero EJ?”

Evil EJ: “That is correct.”

Hero EJ (explaining): “Protecting Samantha and the twins is a full time job.”

Gray EJ: “Know Your EJs for 300.”

Evil EJ: “This EJ gets surprisingly little screentime.”

Gray EJ (nodding in agreement): “Who is Gray EJ?”

Evil EJ: “That is correct.”

Gray EJ: “Know Your EJs for 400.”

Evil EJ: “This EJ is frequently seen reading the paper.”

Good EJ: “Who is Evil EJ?”

Evil EJ: “Correct. I do need to keep up with the housing crisis and the softening economy, after all.”

Good EJ: “Know Your EJs for 500.”

An annoying sound effect plays while a silly graphic flashes on the screen.

Evil EJ (looking at the board): “And it’s the Daily Double. How much would you like to wager?”

Good EJ (unsure): “Eh, I’ll keep it at 500.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “This is an audiovisual daily double. The answer is, this EJ cannot wait to see this film.”

A clip from the new Hannah Montana movie plays.

Good EJ (through gritted teeth): “Who is Good EJ?”

Evil EJ (amused): “That is correct.”

Good EJ (ticked off): “No, it’s not! I am not a tween girl!”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “You could have fooled me after seeing your interactions with Samantha lately. Are you certain?”

Good EJ (grimacing): “Yes. Anyway, new category. I’ll take Therapist for 200.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “The Rapist for 200. And the answer is-”

Good EJ (confused): “Wait a minute, you actually made a category called The Rapist?”

Hero EJ (offended): “Is that supposed to be funny?”

Gray EJ (considering): “Well, it would have been if he hadn’t stolen it from SNL. Who hasn’t seen that skit?”

Evil EJ (grinning): “It’s perfect, isn’t it? It fits exactly with-”

Evil Crazy EJ (cheerily): “Samantha would like to know what that means so she can answer the question.”

The other four EJs share a look.

Evil EJ (skipping cards): “Therapist it is.”

Hero EJ (threateningly): “How dare you put that up on the board. You knew he’d be here.”

Evil EJ (defensively): “He wasn’t supposed to notice, all right? I never would have chosen it otherwise. I’m sorry.”

Evil EJ (to Evil Crazy EJ): “It’s nothing you nor Samantha should be concerned about, Evil Crazy EJ.”

Evil EJ (improvising): “Let’s skip right to the end of this category, shall we? Therapist for 500. Patients sit on this.”

Good EJ (playing along): “What is a couch?”

Evil EJ (moving on): “That is correct. We have one category left, so let’s start off with Days Characters for 100. The answer is John.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Samantha says who should have his insides taken!”

Evil EJ: “That is correct. Days Characters for 200. The answer is Steve.”

Gray EJ (quickly): “Who should be mind controlled with a Tarot card?”

Evil EJ: “Correct. Days Characters for 300. The answer is Kayla.”

Gray EJ (gathering steam): “Who should be ran off the road and personally given flowers at the hospital afterwards?”

Evil EJ: “Also correct. Days Characters for 400. The answer is Nick.”

Gray EJ (on a roll): “Who should be strangled with a phone cord?”

Evil EJ: “Correct again. Days Characters for 500. The answer is Belle.”

Gray EJ (triumphant): “Who should be stalked at night, surprised, strangled to death, and buried in an unpopulated, nondescript location after removing all traces of possible DNA evidence?”

Hero EJ and Good EJ look at each other in horror at while Evil Crazy EJ nods in agreement.

Gray EJ (insulted): “It’s not my fault I know how he thinks.”

Evil EJ (pleased): “On the contrary. Not so gray now, are we? That is correct.”

Evil EJ (announcing): “And with that, it’s time for Final Jeopardy. The standings are as follows. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha are in third place with 300 dollars while Gray EJ and Good EJ are tied for first with 1500 dollars each. Contestants, place your wagers.”

The three contestants write down how much they wish to bet. Evil EJ continues after they are finished.

Evil EJ (looking at the video monitor): “And the answer is, Samantha.”


The Jeopardy thinking music starts. Evil Crazy EJ sings along with the song as all three contestants write their answers, and Evil EJ moves to the other side of the stage.

Evil EJ (now next to the contestants): “Time’s up. Let’s start with Good EJ. And your question is who is my soulmate? That is incorrect. Let’s see how much you wagered…1400 dollars, leaving you with 100 dollars.”

Good EJ (depressed): “I should have known it was a trick answer.”

Evil EJ (moving along): “Gray EJ, let’s see your question. You wrote who is my little mouse?”

Evil EJ (narrowing his eyes): “That is correct. And you wagered…-1500 dollars, which drops your total down to zero.”

Evil EJ (giving Gray EJ a pleased look): “Excellent.”

Gray EJ nods at Evil EJ slightly.

Good EJ (wondering): “Wait. What?”

Evil EJ (continuing): “And last but certainly not least, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. Your question is who is my wife? And as we’ve already seen, that is incorrect.”

Evil Crazy EJ (indignant) “No, it’s not. Samantha is my wife.”

Evil EJ (patiently): “I’m sorry, Evil Crazy EJ, but we were looking for the best answer, not just a correct one.”

Evil EJ (angry): “It is the best answer! You know I’m Samantha’s husband, and she is my wife, Evil EJ! Don’t pretend that you don’t! Tell him, Samantha!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding in agreement): “Exactly, darling!”

Evil EJ (keeps going): “In any case, let’s see what you wagered….five hugs.”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “One for each of you and Samantha!”

Hero EJ (smiling): “How nice of you.”

Evil EJ (agreeably): “Indeed. And with a grand total of 300 dollars, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha are the winners.”

Good EJ (arguing): “No, they aren’t. That’s invalid.”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Do tell.”

Good EJ (combative): “He can’t write hugs down as his wager. He disobeyed the rules, and he should be excluded from the round.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Judges?”

Carpe (disembodied voice): “Hugs are not a recognized form of international currency. Therefore, they are worth zero dollars, and Evil EJ is correct.”

Good EJ (whining): “You always side with him!”

Carpe (annoyed): “And there’s a reason for that. Objection overruled.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “You heard the lady. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha are the winners. Congratulations! And thank you all for playing.”

As soon as Evil EJ finishes, confetti drops down from the ceiling.

Good EJ (fuming): “This is not fair…not fair at all.”

Hero EJ (trying to calm Good EJ down): “Unfortunately, life usually isn’t.”

Gray EJ (sighing as he looks around): “Jeopardy doesn’t have confetti.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “We won, Samantha!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (hugging her): “It’s all because of you, sweetheart! You’re the best wife ever!”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha play with the confetti while the other four EJs congregate on the other side of the stage.

Evil EJ (relaxed): “It appears as though our loser has something to say. What is it, beauty queen?”

Good EJ (accusatory to Gray EJ): “You intentionally wagered negative dollars.”

Gray EJ (looking at him): “So? You wouldn’t have won anyway.”

Good EJ (pointing): “That’s not the point. You threw the game!”

Gray EJ (making a face): “Of course I threw the game! Do you know how long I spent coughing up those little houses after I beat Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha at Monopoly? And don’t even get me started on Candyland.”

Hero EJ (turning towards Gray EJ): “You’re lucky I know to how to intubate with a drinking straw.”

Gray EJ (nodding): “Exactly. And it’s not like I need the money. After that package exchange with Lucas went so well, I started my own shipping service.”

Good EJ (looking at the other two): “What about you?”

Hero EJ (waving his hand): “Money comes and goes. I don’t worry about it.”

Evil EJ (matter of fact): “Considering that I am not a total moron like yourself, I have plenty of liquid assets stashed away in several foreign countries in addition to my hidden American accounts. There’s more than enough for whatever myself, Evil Crazy EJ, and his Samantha could ever want.”

Good EJ (astonished): “So I’m the only one who needed the money?”

Good EJ (realization dawning): “This was your idea, Evil EJ. You told me I could help support Samantha and the twins with the winnings. You set up this entire game to get my hopes up and then see them crash and burn?”

Evil EJ (smirking as his face lights up): “And you didn’t disappoint.”

Good EJ (rolling up his sleeves and taking a step forward): “Oh, I’ll disappoint you, alright.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha dance to the credits music as Hero EJ and Gray EJ restrain Good EJ while Evil EJ laughs.

One Flew over the Phoenix's Nest

EJ makes an amused face as he shows the Tarot card to Steve

Steve (closing his eye): "Would you stop that?! I can't help us escape if you keep giving me migraines, Squire."

EJ (laughing): "Oh, I know, Patch, but it's really your fault for making it entirely too much fun. Besides, I want to put that off until next week. I have an appointment with that cute criminal psychologist."