Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Shirt Off His Back

Cleaning up the living room, EJ catches Sami sneaking glances at him that he's not supposed to notice. He stands up and looks at her.

EJ (innocently): "What is it, sweetheart?"

Sami (alarmed): "Nothing."

EJ (raising his eyebrow): "Nothing?"

Sami (defensive): "No, nothing. I was just thinking."

EJ (interested): "About what?"

Sami (blushing as she covers): "Nothing in particular...the twins."

EJ (going with it): "Oh, is that all? Speaking of which, why don't I check on them, eh? I'm thinking of taking a nap later, so I'd like to help out before I do so."

Sami can't take her eyes off EJ as he pretends to yawn and then stretch his entire upper body, extending his arms to their full length above his head.

EJ (winking as he leaves): "Be right back, darling."

Redfaced and silent, Sami watches EJ exit the room, not seeing the smirk on his face. After a few moments, Sami follows EJ, and she nearly runs into him as he exits the twins’ room.

Sami (stopping short): “Is something wrong?”

EJ (coming back into living room): “No, quite the opposite, actually. They looked so peaceful I didn’t want to take the chance of disturbing them.”

Sami (understanding): “Oh. Well, that’s probably a good idea then.”

EJ (wondering): “I’m sorry for almost knocking you down, darling. Did you need something?”

Sami (slowly): “No, I just...”

Sami sighs heavily as EJ waits patiently.

Sami (giving in): “I know what I said, but I wasn’t really thinking about the twins…I was thinking about you.”

EJ (lighting up): “Me?”

Sami (matter of fact): “Yeah, I was thinking about your shirt.”

EJ (leading): “My shirt?”

Sami (awkwardly): “Yeah, your shirt. It’s…uh, it’s a good fitting shirt on you, and you should know that.”

EJ (false innocence): “I had no idea you were so interested in my wardrobe, darling.”

Sami (narrowing her eyes): “I’m not interested in you at all, EJ. I just thought you should know that that kind of shirt is the type of shirt you should wear…for future reference.”

EJ (mock seriously): “In that case, thank you. I shall file that away next to the knowledge of what brand of socks I prefer to wear.”

Sami (trying to convince herself): “I was just thinking about your shirt. I wasn’t thinking about you at all.”

EJ moves right next to Sami and lowers his head, placing his face a few inches from hers.

EJ (barely audible): “I know.”

Realization dawns in Sami’s eyes as EJ’s gaze bores into her.

EJ (evocatively): “Lucky shirt.”

Transfixed, Sami watches as EJ raises himself back up to his full height.

EJ (pretending to think): “I believe I’m going to take a shower before my nap, so I’ll see you later, eh?”

Not bothering to hide the even larger smirk on his face, EJ briskly walks away from Sami. For several seconds, Sami stands still.

Sami (eyes widening): “Dammit!

Sami turns around.

Sami (eyes widening as her voice gets louder): “EJ!”

EJ pretends not to hear her as he moves towards the bathroom.

Sami (running and speaking as loudly as she dares with the twins asleep): “Get back here, Elvis!”

At the mention of his given name, EJ slows. Sami catches up with him as he stands in the doorway of the bathroom. EJ turns to face her.

EJ (enjoying the tease): “Ah, with that you’re serious now, are you? Don’t I dare what, my dear? Take a shower? A nap? Perhaps both? What exactly is it that I should be doing, eh?”

Sami (gritting out the words): “Just because you are a very handsome man-”

EJ (mock surprise as he interrupts): “Am I now?”

Sami (pointing at EJ): “And I happen to find you…somewhat physically attractive…doesn’t mean anything is going to happen between us. Not now, not ever.”

EJ (nodding): “Of course not.”

Sami (nodding in response): “So we understand each other.”

EJ (leaning forward): “Perfectly, sweetheart. I have some work ahead of me if I want to get that somewhat up to irresistibly, so I better get cracking on that shower, eh?”

Grinning, EJ shuts the door in Sami’s face.

Sami (aghast): “EJ? EJ!!”

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Upon taking her roses from the delivery person, Sami promptly comes over to EJ and throws the bouquet at him, which EJ swiftly dodges.

Sami (indignant): "You can't do this, EJ."

EJ (raising his eyebrow innocently): "Do what, sweetheart?"

Sami (angry): "You can't buy me flowers."

EJ (easily): "Oh, I can't, can I? Is there some sort of law against a man sending flowers to the mother of his son? Are you going to have your father arrest me for it?"

Sami (even angrier): "That's not what you meant, and you know it. You sent these to me because you think it will lower my defenses so I'll throw myself at you."

EJ (coolly): "I thought no such thing."

EJ bends down and picks the card up off the floor as Sami watches.

EJ (reading the card): "Dear Samantha, I'm sorry that the love of your life is imprisoned, and you're alone on Valentine's Day. I hope the love of your children can somehow make up for it. EJ."

Sami stares at EJ in surprise as he finishes reading.

EJ (tossing the card to her as he leaves the room): "I know my place, darling."

Sami watches EJ leave as a wave of sadness washes over her.

Sami (regretfully): "Yeah, I guess you do."

Reading the card for herself, Sami deliberates before calling out to EJ.

Sami (sighing): “EJ, wait.”

Having already rounded the corner, EJ turns around and comes back into the living room, waiting for her to speak.

Sami (hesitant): “The roses are beautiful, and I’m sure they weren’t cheap. I shouldn’t have thrown them at you.”

EJ (plainly): “It’s all right.”

Sami (looking away): “No, it’s not. It’s just that…I never expected things to be this way between us, and after everything that’s happened, I…I overreact sometimes.”

Sami (with difficulty): “I can see from the card that you weren’t trying to pull anything. You were just trying to be nice, and it’s not like anyone else bothered to do anything for me today, so I’m sorry.”

Understanding how hard it was for her to acknowledge that she was wrong, EJ simply nods in response.

Sami (awkwardly smiling): “Um, since I kind of ruined your gift, how about I try to make it up to you? I don’t really have anything I can give you, so we could do something together. Do you want to watch a movie on television or something?”

Sami (thinking of the least romantic thing they could watch): “I think I saw a Rambo marathon on cable when I was looking earlier.”

EJ (disbelieving): “You want to watch First Blood?”

Sami (defensive): “Is there something wrong with that?”

EJ (giving in): “Of course not, my dear, although I seem to have misplaced my bandana.”

Sami snickers at the aside until she notices that EJ has moved into the living room and bent to pick up the roses.

Sami (trying to stop him): “You don’t have to do that.”

EJ (shaking his head): “No, I paid for them, so I can clean them up. I think they’re mostly salvageable if I can just get them in some water. Why don’t you find the movie?”

EJ saves the flowers that he can and arranges them in a vase as Sami sits down on the couch and flips through the channels with the remote. She finds what she thought was the Rambo marathon only to discover that she was mistaken.

EJ (sitting down next to her as Sami stares at the TV): “Is it over?”

Sami (glossing over): “Oh, no, I just-”

EJ (looking at the screen): “Ah, I see. Rocky, not Rambo.”

Sami (nodding): “Right. I got the two confused. Both Sylvester Stallone, you know? So we can watch something else.”

EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Yes, because wanton violence and torture is perfectly acceptable but boxing crosses a line.”

Sami (indignant): “That’s not why I wanted to watch it, EJ.”

EJ (glancing at the screen as he raises his eyebrow): “Well, if you’re such a big Sylvester Stallone fan we might as well watch this. It appears as though the first movie has just started.”

Sami (searching for an excuse): “I’m sure we’ve both seen this a million times already, EJ.”

EJ (hiding a smirk): “Some things are better the second time around, sweetheart.”

Sami (annoyed): “Okay, fine. We’ll watch Rocky.”

EJ (looking at the television): “Whatever you want, darling.”

As EJ and Sami begin to watch the movie, EJ is content with the knowledge of exactly why Sami objected, while Sami wonders if she is destined to be the woman at his side just as Adrian was for Rocky.

Turn The Page

Locked up in the Salem PD safe house together, EJ and Sami enter the residence’s living room after putting down the twins for the night.

Sami (pleased): “Well, EJ, they’re both asleep for now. Hopefully they’ll stay that way for a while.”

EJ (putting his hands behind his back): “And as we agreed, now that you don’t currently need me to help with the twins, I will be staying as far away from you as possible.”

Sami (eyeing him): “You better. There’s half an army waiting outside if you don’t.”

EJ (turning his head slightly): “I said I won’t try anything, and I’m a man of my word.”

Sami (challenging): “No, you’re not. And you need me to amuse you.”

EJ (standing his ground): “Actually, sweetheart, I’m perfectly capable of amusing myself. In fact, I brought a novel for just that purpose.”

Sami (disbelieving): “Sure you did. Go in your room, and stay there, EJ.”

EJ (turning to leave): “Certainly. Good night, Samantha.”

Sami (making a noise): “Night, EJ.”

EJ and Sami leave to their respective rooms. Once in her room, Sami sits down on her bed, turns on the television, and flips through the channels. Finding nothing interesting, she turns it off and rifles through her belongings in order to find her copy of Bazaar. Unfortunately for her a couple of minutes into the first article, Sami realizes that she’s already read it because she accidentally grabbed last month’s copy. She throws the magazine across the room in disgust and lies back on her bed. Needing something to distract her from the present situation, five full minutes pass before she groans, gets up, leaves her room, and barges into EJ’s without knocking.

Sami (bluntly): “So what’s this book of yours?”

Hiding his satisfaction at being interrupted, EJ sits up on his bed and holds up his book so that Sami can read its title, The Brothers Karamazov.

EJ (flippantly): “It was either that or The Cherry Orchard.”

Sami (squinting): “The Brothers Karamazov…that sounds familiar, but I can’t place it.”

EJ (shrugging): “Russian 19th century.”

Sami (unconvinced as she eyes the beaten copy): “You actually read this stuff.”

EJ (plainly): “Not as much I’d like to, of course, but yes.”

Sami (reasoning): “Stef-your father, he made you read these kind of things?”

EJ (mildly amused): “Originally, yes, but I am an adult, after all. Now I choose to read ‘these kind of things.’”

Sami (questioning): “No offense, EJ, but why? I mean, you’re hardly in school anymore. Why waste your time? Why not read something, you know, fun? There’s got to be a car magazine you’d like out of the hundreds out there.”

EJ (explaining): “I enjoy my subscription to Motor Trend very much, Samantha, but I don’t always read for pleasure. Sometimes I read to challenge myself. That’s the attraction of classic literature. I may not understand all of a work, and I may not even like it, but because it’s held up as some sort of standard, there’s something of value there that has stood the test of time. Take Hemingway, for example. Now For Whom The Bell Tolls is a considered a great work, yet I found it insufferingly boring and repetitive. The Spanish Civil War was horrible-I get it already. Yet A Farwell to Arms deserves all the acclaim it is given, in my opinion. Particularly the last couple of pages where…”

As EJ describes how he was moved by the end of the novel, Sami flashes back to the last time she was in a safe house and how she and the man she was with ended up watching a “Flavor of Love” marathon on VH1.

EJ (noticing Sami isn’t listening to him): “Samantha? Am I boring you, my dear?”

Sami (comparing the two experiences): “No, I’m fine, EJ. Better than fine, actually. I had no idea you were so interested in expanding your mind.”

EJ (encouraged): “I think everyone should be. Unfortunately, English classes in school tend to turn people off to reading these kinds of books or just plain reading in general. Too many teachers present the material as stuffy as or only meant for chosen people or some such when truly great literature is intended for all.”

Sami (nodding): “I see. Sounds good to me. So do I need to know anything beforehand?”

EJ (surprised): “You want to read it?”

Sami (taken aback): “Is there some reason I shouldn’t?”

EJ (trying to explain): “It’s really not your kind of book, sweetheart.”

Sami (insulted): “What, you don’t think I can handle it? That I’m too stupid to understand it? That you’re so smart because you’re reading it?”

EJ (apologizing as he holds up his hands): “No, no, Samantha, that isn’t what I meant at all. I meant that you aren’t going to like that it’s not finished. Dostoevsky had intended this to be part of a series, but he died before any more volumes could be completed. It’s very much an incomplete work.”

Sami (considering): “Oh, is that all. I can handle that.”

Sami (muttering under her breath): “It wouldn’t be the first time that something I enjoyed got cut off before it even got started.”

EJ (nodding): “Okay then. Here you go.”

EJ smiles as he extends his right arm and presents the book to Sami.

Sami (surprised): “Wait-what?”

EJ (confused): “You said that you wanted to read it. You need the book to do that, darling.”

Sami (trying not to sound eager): “I do, but that wouldn’t be fair to you. It’s your book. You’re the one who brought it. We should share it.”

EJ (not following): “Share it?”

Sami (continuing as she sits down on his bed): “Yes, exactly. We both need something to do, so we can both read the book. You start.”

EJ (happily accepting): “All right.”

Sami (nodding): “Good. It’s decided then.”

Sami (unconsciously edging closer to EJ as she eyes the book): “How many pages is this thing, anyway?”

EJ (hiding his excitement): “Depending on the typeface, over a thousand, usually. I figured it was an appropriate choice since we don’t know how long we’re going to be stuck here.”

Sami (eyes widening): “A thousand, huh? We better get going then.”

EJ (suppressing a smile): “Indeed, darling.”

With his Samantha listening at his side, EJ contently opens the novel and begins to read aloud.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Violently Happy

EJ opens his eyes and looks at the woman lying next to him, who has propped her head up in her hands waiting for him to wake up.

Sami (playfully): “You know, we are never going to do anything if we stay in bed all day.”

EJ (raising his eyebrow): “That assumes we want to do anything.”

Sami giggles as she moves and throws pillows at her husband.

Sami (laughing): “Silly! What can else we do in bed besides sleep?”

Clad in his blue race car pajamas, Evil Crazy EJ smiles at his Samantha, dressed in pink pajamas with lollipops on them.

Evil Crazy EJ (laughing too): “You’re right. You win, darling.”

Ready to start their day, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get out of their bed.

Evil Crazy EJ (playing with Samantha’s hair): “Do we want to get dressed? I don’t think we have to be anywhere.”

Samantha (considering): “No, we don’t have any formal plans today. Let’s stay in our pajamas. We can pretend we are having a sleepover at a fancy hotel!”

Evil Crazy EJ (lighting up): “That sounds like fun! What a great idea, Samantha!”

Samantha (pleased): “Thank you.”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing her on the top of her head): “You’re welcome. You have so many good ones.”

Samantha (annoyed): “That’s sweet of you to say, dear, but no one else thinks so. I wish that you didn’t have to restate what I’ve already said all the time. Evil EJ is the only one who attempts to listen to me, and even then he sometimes doesn’t understand.”

Evil Crazy EJ (apologetic): “I know, sweetheart, but as I’ve explained before, they’re not as enlightened as I am. They believe women should be seen and not heard, so a truly equal partnership like our marriage is strange to them. And Evil EJ does try, so you keeping trying too, okay?”

Samantha (acquiescing): “Okay.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha hold hands as they leave their room and enter the living room of the apartment. Evil EJ is standing behind the counter of the kitchenette while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha sit down on stools in front of it.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Good morning, Evil EJ! Samantha and I want waffles for breakfast!”

Evil EJ (holding back) “Good morning to you as well, and I thought you might. After all, it is what you two have for breakfast every morning.”

Possessing a keen understanding of their preferences and routine, Evil EJ sets two glasses of chocolate milk and two plates of waffles in front of Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha.

Samantha (digging in): “Evil EJ is so thoughtful. He always remembers that I like strawberry topping on mine.”

Evil Crazy EJ (enjoying his food): “Yes, Samantha, he knows that I like maple syrup too. Evil EJ is a very good cook. Much better than what we are able to do in the kitchen.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Actually, I thought your concept of substituting peanut butter for batter was rather ingenious. Pity the waffle iron did not share my opinion.”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking around as he eats): “Where is everyone else?”

Evil EJ (idly): “I believe Gray EJ is sleeping in because he stayed up late gathering our income tax information, and Hero EJ left early to do whatever it is that he does.”

Samantha (counting): “Me plus you plus Evil EJ plus Gray EJ plus Hero EJ leaves one EJ. One EJ is missing!”

Evil Crazy EJ (innocently): “What about Good EJ?”

Suddenly Evil EJ’s expression darkens, and he doesn’t answer.

Samantha (excited): “Maybe Good EJ went to the circus!”

Evil Crazy EJ (amazed): “You are full of fantastic ideas today, Samantha! I never would have considered that. Did Good EJ go to the circus, Evil EJ?”

Evil EJ’s eyes blaze intensely as he suddenly slams his fist down on the counter.

Evil EJ (seething loudly as he points): “Hardly! That testament to pure incompetence is with her right now! As if that’s the way it’s supposed to be! As if she belongs to him! He is with my Sama-”

Abruptly realizing how he sounds, Evil EJ cuts himself off and looks down for a moment before softly continuing.

Evil EJ (discontented): “Good EJ is busy. So it’s only me, I’m afraid.”

Evil Crazy EJ (unconcerned about Evil EJ’s outburst): “That’s okay. Samantha and I like you best anyway.”

Samantha (nudging Evil Crazy EJ as she finishes): “Yes, we do. Ask him if he wants to join us.”

Evil Crazy EJ (drinking the last of his milk): “Evil EJ, do you want to color with us? We will give you the crayons, and Samantha and I can use the markers. We think we have them figured out this time so there won’t be another incident. Samantha is still sorry about the wall.”

Samantha (nodding): “I didn’t mean to draw on it. My hand slipped after I taped my picture up when I still had to draw the rest of the pony.”

Evil EJ (declining politely): “Thank you for the offer, but you two go ahead.”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying again): “If you don’t want to color, you can still drink your orange juice and read the paper out here with us.”

Evil EJ (quietly): “No, I wouldn’t want to interrupt. You newlyweds have fun. I’ll be in my room if you need me before lunch.”

After Evil EJ leaves, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha discuss the situation as they color at the coffee table in the living room.

Samantha (frowning): “He’s trying to hide it, but Evil EJ is sad.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, I haven’t seen him this depressed since he was shot. I wonder what is bothering him so much. It takes a lot to hurt him.”

Samantha (wondering): “I don’t know, but we need to cheer him up somehow.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Excellent idea, darling! Now, how to do that…hmm…”

Samantha (asking): “When was Evil EJ happiest?”

Evil Crazy EJ (tilting his head): “A simple enough question to answer. Evil EJ was happiest when he was in charge before Good EJ showed up. He likes that so much because he’s smart, like how we like coloring a lot because we’re creative.”

Samantha (smirking): “Well, why don’t we just kill Good EJ then? With him gone, Evil EJ will be in control again.”

Evil Crazy EJ (sighing): “I wish we could, Samantha, I wish we could. He’s so mean to Evil EJ, always getting glitter on him and making him watch House Hunters. But you remember how Evil EJ explained to us that we can’t hurt the other EJs. Without every single EJ that exists, our entire personality will collapse.”

Samantha (shrugging): “Oh, I’m sorry, honey. I completely forgot. But just because we can’t kill him, doesn’t mean we can’t do anything at all.”

Evil Crazy EJ (thinking): “Good point. What do you propose?”

Samantha (smiling): “You will love it!”

Samantha leans over and whispers her idea in Evil Crazy EJ’s ear.

Evil Crazy EJ (with awe in his voice): “You never fail to surprise me. What a plan! We have to show Evil EJ. Let’s diagram it for him.”

When they are finished drawing their attack plan, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha go over to Evil EJ’s room and knock on his door.

Evil EJ (from inside): “Come in.”

With his favorite instruments of pain decorating the black walls of his room, Evil EJ is sitting at his desk multitasking on numerous projects, surrounded by his laptop, The Wall Street Journal, blueprints, and various other business documents and accessories.

Evil EJ (looking up from his work): “Yes? Is the DVD player skipping again?”

Evil Crazy EJ (directly as they enter): “No, we want to talk to you about something else. Evil EJ, Samantha and I want you to be happy. We think you should be in control again, so we came up with a plan to deal with Good EJ.”

Evil EJ (intrigued): “Did you now?”

Samantha (nodding): “Yes, we did. Show him our idea, dear.”

Evil Crazy EJ (handing the attack plan to Evil EJ): “Here it is.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha wait expectantly as Evil EJ examines the document.

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “You said we can’t kill Good EJ, so Samantha and I will put in him in a cage so you can be in charge again. We will make it pink because he likes girly stuff. The cereal is so he doesn’t die, and we decided to give him a friend so he isn’t lonely.”

Evil EJ is silent as he stares at the drawing.

Samantha (concerned): “He’s not saying anything. Is there something wrong with it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Do you like it?”

The corner of Evil EJ’s mouth turns up as he looks over at Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha.

Evil EJ (genuinely touched): “How could I not? It’s brilliant. Such an inventive pair you are.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha both grin in delight at the compliment.

Evil Crazy EJ (glad): “Samantha and I wanted to help.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Of course you did. I must say, this idea of yours will dovetail with my plans nicely. So we’ll use your strategy after we have Good EJ in custody, and I’ll figure out how to get him there, eh?”

Samantha (agreeing): “That sounds fine to me, honey.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Samantha and I agree. So when are you going to capture him?”

Evil EJ (relaxing): “Well, I have a lot of preparation to do beforehand, and I need to wait for the right opportunity. I also have to get the other two EJs on board.”

Samantha (considering): “That seems difficult. They like Good EJ for some reason. Why would they go along with this?”

Evil Crazy EJ (wondering): “Samantha wants to know how you are planning to do that. You don’t like Hero EJ, and Gray EJ only agrees with you half of the time.”

Evil EJ (waving his hand dismissively): “Gray EJ isn’t a problem. As long as I convince him that what I am doing is necessary for the collective good of our psyche as a whole, he’ll do whatever needs to be done. He’s quite reasonable, after all. And as for Hero EJ, I just have to force him to make a Faustian bargain.”

Samantha (puzzled): “A what?”

Evil Crazy EJ (just as confused): “Samantha would like to know what that is.”

Evil EJ (simplifying): “I will put Hero EJ in a situation where he will favor the present circumstances over the future consequences.”

Evil Crazy EJ (still confused): “How are you going to do that?”

Evil EJ (thinking about his Samantha): “I have several ideas. But that’s for me to worry about.”

Evil EJ sets the attack plan down on his desk in a prized position separate from all his other papers and turns back towards Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha.

Evil EJ (sincerely as he gestures): “I am extremely fortunate to have you on my side. You and Samantha have already contributed more than I could have asked from you. Thank you.”

Samantha (glowing): “You’re welcome!”

Evil Crazy EJ (beaming): “Samantha and I are so glad we could help! Please let us know if we can help with anything else.”

Evil EJ (truthfully): “I will.”

Samantha (prodding): “Ask him if he wants to watch TV with us later when we are done coloring.”

Evil Crazy EJ (obeying): “Samantha wants to know if you will take a break from your planning in a while and watch Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends with us.”

Evil EJ (laughing): “Of course I will. Bloo and I have a lot in common.”

Samantha (tugging on Evil Crazy EJ’s sleeve): “Go camping too?”

Evil Crazy EJ (hesitant): “We know you are very busy being evil, but Samantha wants to know if you will set up the tent in our room and go camping with us.”

Evil EJ (considering as he folds his arms across his chest): “I would, but plans don’t design and execute themselves.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleading): “Please? Samantha and I very much enjoyed the story of how the cunning hookman triumphed over the stupid, annoying teenagers. And we haven’t said anything about you playing with us to anyone!”

Samantha (pumping her fist in the air): “Yes! It’s our secret!”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking at his wife): “Yes, Samantha! We tell no one that Evil EJ likes pretending as much as we do!”

Evil EJ (wryly): “I wouldn’t go that far, but, yes, I do enjoy spending time with you and Samantha. So how about for a little while after lunch?”

Samantha (nodding): “Okay!”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, we will let you finish your nefarious deeds first.”

Evil EJ (grinning in spite of himself): “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

Satisfied that they have accomplished their mission, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha leave Evil EJ’s room and return to their coloring in the living room.

Samantha (thrilled): “I’m so happy we were able to help him out and make him feel better. He’s such a great friend to us.”

Evil Crazy EJ (equally thrilled): “Yes, and it was all your idea.”

Samantha (blushing): “You’re too kind. I couldn’t have done it without you, sugarbear. I never would have thought of the bunny.”

Evil Crazy EJ (insistent): ‘Yes, you would have. You’re amazing, Samantha. You’re the smartest, prettiest wife a man could ask for.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha hug each other.

Samantha (looking up at her husband): “I love you, EJ.”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking down at his wife): “I love you too, Samantha.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha kiss and lock eyes with one another.

Evil Crazy EJ (openly): “I am the luckiest man in the entire world to have you by my side.”

Samantha (slyly): “And I won’t let you forget it.”

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008

“And I better take the twins to see the doctor and the beautician and-”
“Sami, what part of ‘hiding from my evil criminal mastermind father’ don’t you understand?”

“Yes, me zipping up a suitcase is the highlight of the episode. What do you expect before sweeps?”

“Oh, don’t worry, Lucas. The show isn’t interesting over here either.”

“And you chose a nice wallpaper for your computer, and you’re good at parallel parking and…”

“Lucas is sharing a cell with STEFANO DIMERA!”
“You keep saying that name as if I am supposed to have some sort of horrified reaction to it when the man is my freaking father Maybe the extra emphasis would work if he was a vampire, but as is, knock it off.”

The Grade: Textbook filler. Remove this, and you’ve lost no plot advancement or character development. And no, the suitcase wasn’t cute enough to make up for that C-.

Monday, January 21st, 2008

“You’ve done nothing to earn my trust, EJ. All those times you saved me from certain death in Carpe’s ‘EJ Is Heroic’ montage? Faked, just like the moon landings.”


“The first rule of gun safety is never aim at anything that you don’t intend to shoot. So prepare to meet your maker, door. You’ve prevented me from interrupting Lumi even more than I already have one too many times.”

“My keen DiMera instincts tell me that it’s totally safe to open this because it isn’t a bomb or laced with anthrax or anything”

“Once a DiMera, always a DiMera. Speaking of which, Lexie says hi.”

“Sami, let’s talk about EJ in the third person even though he’s standing right next to us and can hear everything we’re saying.”
“Okay. Good thing he isn’t a sociopath because otherwise having him silently observe us would be a really bad idea.”

The Grade: I liked EJ taking the power position while still listening to Sami, and there’s few things hotter than a man with a firearm, but this totally nosedived after Abe showed up. Pre-Abe, B. Post-Abe, C-.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

An Ocean Away Isn't Far Enough

Caustin are in their living room when Dallas shows a large envelope to Carrie.

Dallas: "Oh, Carrie, I forgot to mention that this arrived for you before Christmas."

Carrie (annoyed): "And you just now remembered?"

Dallas (apologetic): "I'm sorry, but with the holidays and Will refusing to share his PlayStation 3, it completely slipped my mind."

Dallas hands the envelope to Carrie.

Dallas (kissing Carrie on the cheek): "Well, I better go sell chocolate or make watches whatever it is I do here in Switzerland."

Carrie opens the envelope as Dallas leaves the room.

Carrie (horrified): "Oh my..."

The envelope contains several professional photos of Lucas in particular positions along with a note that says "Still waiting for you, my pet."

Carrie (running after Dallas): "Austin! Austin, let me come with you!"

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Friday, January 18th, 2008

“Yeah, I know, Elvis. This is pointless. But we need to at least pretend we’re not wasting screentime, so let’s go through the motions, okay?”

“Want me to bring Carpe in, Junior? I think you can make a case for libel. We all know Hero EJ doesn’t really wear a cape.”

“Relying on EJ is so difficult. I just don’t know how I put up with having a hot, intelligent British gentleman around who adores me and my children and helps with the housework.”

“Elvis, I saw this advertisement on television last night that I thought you’d like because it was really rather amusing. Let me tell you about-
“For the last time, Father, now that I am no longer on your family plan, I need to watch my cell phone bill. Quit wasting my minutes, and call me back after 9 p.m.”

“Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

“Thank goodness I decided to get a Big Mac that day McDonald’s was handing out free pedometers. I’ll definitely hit my steps quota today."

“Damn extras. Character with actual lines coming through!”

“Father tried to have me killed, but unfortunately for him, I’ve seen Goldfinger.”

The Grade:

Man, the scab writers really stepped up here. Other than killing a little too much time with Bo and EJ and the inadvertent Bond movie plot, I actually liked the writing. Credit where credit is due, A-.

The Not So Great Escape

Stefano and Lucas get impatient and decide to escape their cell.

Stefano: "Now, Lucas, how are we going to get out of this cage?"

Lucas (whining): "Why do I have to come up with the plan? Aren't you the criminal mastermind?"

Stefano (annoyed): "We are brainstorming here. I want to hear what you have to say. And I am a legitimate businessman, Lucas."

Lucas (unconvinced): "Sure you are. Anyway, I don't have a clue. This place is rock solid. There's no getting out."

Stefano (encouraging): "Think hard. You have to have some idea."

Lucas (hesitant): "I dunno...oh wait, maybe we could tie string around the bars and saw our way out."

Stefano (incredulous): "What? That will never work! Where did you get such a stupid idea?"

Lucas (explaining): "It was this movie."

Stefano (sarcastic): "Oh, well, in that case, excellent. Because the cinema always depicts reality with 100% accuracy."

Lucas (defensive): "Lay off, old man! You wanted an idea, and I gave you one."

Stefano (waving his hand): "Alright, alright. You have a point. Now, did this inane plan of yours actually work in the movie?"

Lucas (recalling): "Nah, I don't think so. He was still in there at the end. No, wait, did I watch the whole movie? Was that the ending?"

Stefano (putting his head in his hands): "Now I understand, Elvis. Now I understand."

A Supercouple Stifled

Dr. Rolf knocks on Willow's door

Dr. Rolf (handing over the flowers): "May I say you look wunderbar, miss? Und zees are for you. Zhey are imported from Englund."

Willow (sneering as she takes them): "Looks more like you got them out of a dumpster. Let's go, old man."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Know Your EJs

Rejected Motivational Posters

The Market Has Spoken

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


After spending time with his Samantha, EJ returns to his apartment and uneasily sits down on his couch, aware that along with several other things, it may not be his for very long.

Sinister Voice (darkly): “And here I thought complete lobotomies required some recovery time.”

Good EJ (wincing): “Dammit.”

Evil EJ appears from the shadows of his room and enters the living room, drink in hand.

Evil EJ (snidely): “Look at any good pop-up books lately?”

Good EJ and Evil EJ glare at each other.

Good EJ (already annoyed): “Don’t you start. I don’t want to hear it.”

Evil EJ (sitting down on the other end of the couch): “That’s unfortunate for you because you’re going to listen to every last word, sunshine.”

Good EJ (backing off): “It’s late. Everyone else is asleep. Can’t we discuss this in the morning? Please?”

Evil EJ (sipping his brandy): “Oh yes, let’s do this later, when we’re even more dim than we are now. Maybe after we’re unable to follow the plots on the Nick Jr. lineup. How does Dora manage to make it all the way to her abuela's casa with a map and her monkey friend, eh?”

Good EJ (apologizing and gesturing): “Okay. I get it, and I understand. I’m sorry we had to be so stupid today, Evil EJ. I’m sorry we had to believe that Stefano wasn’t capable of evil.”

Evil EJ (mocking): “Oh, really? Because we seemed rather happy about the realization to me.”

Good EJ (trying to be nice): “That wasn’t happy. That was our comprehension of our father’s unspeakable horrors.”

Evil EJ (leaning back): “You could have fooled me. I guess we’re already too dumb to tell the difference.”

Good EJ (irritated): “I don’t like this any more than you do.”

Evil EJ (pointing): “I doubt that. Very much. I think you enjoy every single second of this. You know why? Because this excuse, as puerile as it is, validates your entire worldview. TPTB are stating that we were always a good man, that we were so blinded by our love for our father that we were unknowingly corrupted. That we’re basically innocent in all this.”

Good EJ (begrudging): “You’re right, I do like that…a lot. Because it’s the truth.”

Evil EJ (seething): “I’ll mentally file that right next to unicorns and elves.”

Good EJ (continuing anyway): “But I agree with you, too. We don’t have to be this dumb for this part of the redemption to work.”

Evil EJ (finishing his drink): “No, we do. For us to admit that we were actually evil, well, that’s a road Days just doesn’t want to go down. A good person cannot willingly commit evil actions according to the morality rules of this show, much less relish the beauty of the experience as much as I do. So since they want us to be a good person now, that means we were never truly evil, just misguided.”

Good EJ (nodding his head): “I suppose you’re right.”

Good EJ (suddenly suspicious): “But if you’re telling me all this, does that mean you now accept this? You accept our redemption and me being in charge?”

Evil EJ (getting up): “Certainly not. But a leader has to know when to delegate. Why should I pretend to be a blubbering imbecile when you’re already one?”

Good EJ (hurt in his eyes as he pleads): “It doesn’t have to be like that, you know. You don’t have to keep undermining me in order to get control back. We could work together. We could come to an understanding.”

Evil EJ gets up off the couch, moves around it, and leans behind Good EJ.

Evil EJ (whispering menacingly): “If I were you, I’d understand that I should enjoy Samantha while it lasts, Boy Scout.”

Evil EJ pats Good EJ threateningly on the back before he leaves the room. Good EJ turns his head as he watches Evil EJ leave.

Good EJ (quietly to himself as he sighs): “Always.”

Monday, January 14th, 2008

“We’ve got some screentime to kill. So repeat the end of Friday’s show with slightly different lines and over the top emotion.”

“What? I can’t hear you over the string music.”

Worst video game ever.

“How dare you not come with us? It’s standard police procedure to bring unarmed civilian family members on raids!”

“Your father’s a monster. Let me say that a couple more times because I don’t think I’m twisting the knife enough.”

“I never imagined my father would be capable of such cruel and inhumane behavior. Which makes me a total moron, but whatever works for the redemption, eh?”

“Actually Evil EJ has several secret accounts in the Caymans, South America, and Switzerland….but the plot says I can’t touch any of it.” Photobucket

The Verdict:

Not bad. Honestly, besides the “MY DAD IS EVIL? WTF BBQ SAUCE!!” moment Photobucketand the fact that I’m really supposed to buy that Evil EJ didn’t have any hidden assets Photobucket, everything else was pretty decent. I will say that while EJ engaged me this episode, I felt that Sami was too neutral here. Sure the “it makes you a better man” comment was nice, but a hint of a smile somewhere in those scenes would have been better. EJ A, Sami B-.