Thursday, January 1, 2009

Just the Christmas I've Been Waiting For

Ready for the final ghost, Evil EJ smiles as he waits.

Evil EJ (twisting the knife): “Cutting it a little close, aren’t we?”

Carpe (frantic): “It’s not technically Christmas yet!”

Evil EJ (smugly): “Better hurry.”

Evil EJ turns his head as a dark figure moves out from a nearby alley towards him.

Carpe (narrating): “The Phantom slowly, gravely, silently approached, and in the very air through which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter gloom and mystery. It was shrouded in a deep gray garment, which concealed its head, its face, its form, and left nothing of it visible, save two outstretched hands holding a gleaming scythe. But for this, it would have been difficult to detach its figure from the sudden night that had fallen and separate it from the darkness by which it was surrounded.”

Evil EJ (unimpressed): “Not exactly a practical man, are you?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing.

Evil EJ (yawning): “Oh, yes, how foreboding. Let’s get on with it then, eh?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future again says nothing. He then swings his scythe and uses his Ghost of Christmas Future powers to send both of them into the future. They arrive in a snowy graveyard, and the Phantom points to two persons meeting some distance away.

Carpe (narrating): “Oh, cold, cold, rigid, dreadful death, set up thine altar here, and dress it with such terrors as thou hast at thy command: for this is thy dominion!”

Future Sami (crying as she looks at the grave): “Oh, no, Will, no!”

Future Lucas (volcanic): “This is all your fault, Sami! He died from flesh eating bacteria! He would have been fine if he hadn’t had that sore throat he got from yelling at you!”

Future Sami (sobbing): “My baby, no, oh no!”

Evil EJ looks at the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Evil EJ (offhandedly): “As saddened as I am at Samantha’s pain at the loss of her child, you do realize that this is actually an incentive for me, don’t you? I’d finally be able to get my PlayStation 3 back from that ungrateful brat. He never even invited me over to play Resistance on it.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing after it successfully stops itself from snickering.

Carpe (quietly): “The Phantom moved forward into another part of the cemetery. Evil EJ joined it, and, wondering why and whither he had gone, accompanied it until they reached an iron gate. He paused to look round before entering. The Spirit stood among the ignored graves, and pointed down to one. Evil EJ advanced towards it. The Phantom was exactly as it had been, but he saw new meaning in its solemn shape.”

Like a touch from hell
I feel how hot that it can get if you get caught
Like a strike from Heaven that turns that key
That brings you straight down to your knees

Like a touch from hell
I feel how hot that it can get if I get caught
Like a strike from Heaven to reprieve
That brings you straight down to your knees

Carpe (with emphasis): “Immovable as ever, the Ghost still pointed downward to the grave.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I wonder whose grave this could be.”

Carpe (somberly): “And Evil EJ read upon the stone of the neglected grave his own name, Elvis DiMera, with the inscription that he died alone.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Just the funeral I’ve been waiting for.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future and Evil EJ stare at each other for nearly a full minute until Evil EJ walks towards the headstone and casually leans on it.

Evil EJ (smirking and raising an eyebrow): “If only.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing for several moments until it sighs loudly. Beaten, it removes its hood and reveals its actor, Gray EJ.

Gray EJ (sighing again): “I knew this wasn’t going to work.”

Evil EJ (listing): “Between Samantha, the twins, the new baby on the way, Father, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha, you, Prince Valiant, Dora the Goodness Explorer, Johnny 5 and his son, and the Ghoul That Wouldn’t Die, I’m lucky if I get a few moments alone to myself, much less have time to truly rest.”

Gray EJ (dejected): “True, but I practiced for weeks.”

Evil EJ walks over to Gray EJ and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “And it paid off. Come now, Gray EJ. You’re the only one who could have played this part. I was almost frightened there for a few moments.”

Gray EJ (asking): “But isn’t the whole point of this story that Scrooge is supposed to undergo a redemptive arc? That by the end he truly is a better man?”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “Because I learned that my nefarious deeds were leading me to my eternal damnation? Not this time. You know as well as I do, fencesitter, that fictional characters can never truly die. This is a reckoning that will never come to me nor any of us. We exist as we are forever.”

Carpe (elaborating): “Moreover, I write to entertain, not to educate. Since Evil EJ is the hero of this tale, wrong is right, and his untoward acts are to be enjoyed and celebrated. Go read the original if you want a traditional moral to the story.”

Evil EJ (vindicated): “You heard the woman.”

Gray EJ (sighing): “I suppose. And I bet you have some people to kill now, don’t you?”

Evil EJ (anticipating): “Yes, that does sound delicious, doesn’t it?”

Gray EJ (shifting in place): “Well, I’m going to go change then. This cloak thing is terribly itchy.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, I’ll see you at the cast party afterwards.”

Gray EJ (smiling): “Okay, have fun.”

Evil EJ (darkly): “I always do.”

Gray EJ swings his scythe and uses his Ghost of Christmas Future powers to send Evil EJ back to early Christmas morning.

Evil EJ (sarcastically as he gets out of bed): “It’s Christmas Day-I haven’t missed it! I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future! The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. Oh, Jacob Marley! Heaven and the Christmas Time be praised for this!”

Carpe (quickly): “Running to the window, he opened it, and put out his head. No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, and stirring. Cold, piping for the blood to dance to, golden sunlight, heavenly sky, sweet fresh air, merry bells. Oh, glorious! Glorious!”

Evil EJ (snidely): “I am as happy as an angel. A Merry Christmas to everybody! A Happy New Year to all the world!

Evil EJ sees a newcomer to town walking towards the DiMansion.

Evil EJ (nicely as he looks down): “Feliz Navidad, Señor. Hoy es un día maravilloso, no?”

Rafe (annoyed): “Speak English, you British fop.”

Evil EJ’s countenance darkens.

Evil EJ (less nicely): “Well, Ninja Turtle, your intelligence on current FBI matters was on point. I trust everything was in order for your payment.”

Rafe (more annoyed): “Yes, and I just came over here to tell you that I’m never doing that again no matter how much I need the money. I’m not your errand boy.”

Rafe starts to move away.

Evil EJ (calling down to him): “Your choice. But you forgot your tip.”

Rafe turns around and looks up only to see a black American Express Credit Card fly towards him. He stumbles backwards as the card lodges in his jugular vein and falls to the ground, cracking his skull open on the icy pavement.

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “No one touches Samantha but me.”

Carpe (smirking): “Having dispatched yet another unworthy rival, Evil EJ dressed himself all in his best, and at last got out into the streets. The people were by this time pouring forth, as he had seen them with the Ghosts of Christmas Presents and, walking with his hands behind him, Evil EJ regarded every one with a delighted smile.”

As Evil EJ determinedly walks down the street, he runs into Robo EJ pushing Baby Ernie in a stroller.

ROBO EJ (suddenly remembering he has lines): “EVIL EJ? CAN HAVE CHRISTMAS MON-”

Evil EJ (already anticipating the situation): “Here’s your check, you walking aluminum can.”


Evil EJ (bending down and adjusting Ernie’s blanket): “And be more careful with young Ernie, will you? You don’t want him to get sick.”


Evil EJ continues to walk down the street only to see Brady coming towards him.

Brady (waving): “Hello, cousin! Have you recon-”

Evil EJ watches as an icicle from one of the overhangs above falls and impales Brady in the chest. Pleased, he walks over to Brady.

Evil EJ (cheerfully): “Here, let me help you with that.”

Brady (in shock): “No, don’t! Don’t pull it ou-”

Blood gushes everywhere and Brady collapses as Evil EJ removes the icicle.

Evil EJ (considering): “Oh, well, yes, that wasn’t a very good idea, was it? Of course, that wasn’t very good writing either, but that’s Grey’s for you. Izzie and Denny the Stalking Ghost, please.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Nothing personal, but you do know how frosty distant family relations can be, cousin.”

Two for two, Evil EJ steps over Brady’s soon to be dead body and hurries to the Horton cabin. Inside, Sami and the twins are ready and waiting for him. Sami is dressed in a red Christmas dress and with matching coat in while the twins are in black and red snowsuits.

Sami (hugging him as she opens the door): “Oh, EJ!”

Evil EJ (peeking inside): “Is everyone ready to go?”

Sami (prepared): “Yes, we’re all set, and Will’s already so fed up with everything that he’s on his way back to Carrie and Austin’s in Switzerland.”

Evil EJ (pleased): “Excellent. Where’s Lucas?”

Sami (explaining): “He went to go get some hot chocolate from Starbucks before he went to work, but-wait, there he is.”

Sami and Evil EJ turn their heads to see Lucas coming towards them.

Evil EJ (turning around): “Merry Christmas, Lucas. May I have a word with you before we go to work this morning?”

Lucas (casually): “Sure, that’s fine with me.”

Evil EJ (to Sami): “Would you mind?”

Sami (smiling): “Of course not.”

Sami shuts the door, and both Lucas and Evil EJ take a few steps out into the middle of the street. Lucas then looks at Evil EJ.

Lucas (sipping his drink): “What’s up?”

Evil EJ (plainly): “Well first, I actually want to say that you’ve been an outstanding assistant to me lately.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “But more than that, I really appreciate how you’ve handled this whole situation between Samantha and myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and since it is the start of a new year soon, it is long over due for me to forgive you for everything that’s happened between us…and for me to genuinely mean it this time. Especially for you shooting me in the back at my wedding to Samantha.”

Lucas (nodding): “I appreciate that. I was only looking out for Sami, and I’m glad that you’re finally starting to warm up to me.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “You’re a good man, Lucas. Friends?”

Lucas looks at Evil EJ’s outstretched right hand.

Lucas (taking it): “Friends.”

A shot is heard as the two men shake hands, and, feeling a sharp pain in his chest, Lucas stares at Evil EJ in horror. Having fired at Lucas with his gun in his left hand, Evil EJ takes a step back and smirks.

Evil EJ (absolute zero): “Good. Because friends are all about returning favors.”

Lucas (falling to the ground): “You DiMera bas-”

Evil EJ (interrupting him): “What a beautiful day to bury the past, eh, sunshine?”

Thoroughly pleased, Evil EJ enjoys every moment of Lucas’ death spasms, slowly reholstering his weapon as he watches Lucas die bleeding on the frozen ground before him. He admires his work for several moments afterwards before Sami opens the door behind him.

Sami (looking at the corpse): “Now we’ll never have to worry about him bothering us again. Nicely done.”

Evil EJ (sighing happily): “You always know just what to say, darling.”

Ejami turns around and moves to gather their children. Sami picks up Johnny while Evil EJ holds Ali, and all four of them leave the cabin.

Sami (asking as they walk): “So it’s back to the mansion?”

Evil EJ (slyly): “Maybe…or I could give you your Christmas present.”

Sami (lighting up as she guesses): “You didn’t.”

Evil EJ (proudly): “I most certainly did.”

Sami (excited): “Oh, we have to go to the refuribished abandoned house then. But don’t you have to work today, EJ?”

Evil EJ grins at his beloved.

Evil EJ (warmly): “Of course not, my dear. It’s Christmas. Why else have minions? They have to work, not me.”

Around and around and back home again
To a place where we know we are loved

Evil EJ (beaming at Sami): “Unlike that insane idiot on that pretentious program, I don’t need a slideshow to remind me to appreciate you and our children, darling.”

Carpe (narrating): “And it was always said of Evil EJ that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, God bless us, everyone!”

Ejami (jointly): “Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, Ejami fans!”

Evil EJ (warmly): “Enjoy the festivities, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Carpe (stating the obvious): “Naughty and not nice then.”

Sami (smiling at Evil EJ): “Of course.”

Evil EJ (grinning back): “You wouldn’t have it any other way, sweetheart.”

You're My Best Friend

Having taken his best shot, Evil EJ takes off his combat gear, puts away his extra equipment, and sits down on his bed, patiently waiting for the next ghost.

Carpe (knowingly): “Ready?”

Evil EJ (in on it): “How could I not be?”

Happy Voice (excited): “Merry Christmas, Evil EJ!”

Surprised, Evil EJ turns his head to see a figure appear behind him. Laughing, Evil Crazy EJ walks around the bed and sits down next to Evil EJ while holding his Samantha doll.

Evil EJ (warmly): “Heh. Merry Christmas to you two as well.”

Evil Crazy EJ grins back at Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (sagely): “We surprised you!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Yes, you did. I wasn’t expecting you to show up on the opposite side of the bed, particularly when the script specified that you would show up in front of me.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding to his doll): “Darling, you were right-this was much more dramatic.”

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “We are the Ghosts of Christmas Presents!”

Evil EJ (correcting): “Present. Ghosts of Christmas Present.”

Evil Crazy EJ (disagreeing): “No, Christmas presents.”

Evil EJ (kindly): “We have discussed this before, Evil Crazy EJ. You and your wife are pretending to be the spirits of this moment, right now, which is the present time period.”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying to be nice): “Samantha thinks that is all well and good, Evil EJ, but we are giving you presents so we are the Ghosts of Christmas Presents.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, sweetheart, The Oho Man gave Scrooge lots of presents!”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Those were part of the feast for the celebration of Christmas, not his presents.”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at his Samantha and nods before speaking again.

Evil Crazy EJ (apologetically): “Samantha and I have discussed this issue at length, and we are both very sorry that we have to tell you this, Evil EJ, but you are wrong. We have watched the Muppet Christmas Carol movie more times than you have so we know what we are talking about.”

Evil EJ (letting it go): “Fine. On a more agreeable note, may I say Samantha looks absolutely stunning?”

Dressed in a matching suit, Evil Crazy EJ beams at his Samantha outfitted in a lovely silver Christmas formal evening gown.

Evil Crazy EJ (proudly): “Yes, you may! Samantha did not want to wear what The Oho Man does in the movie. She says there is no reason to wear an advent wreath on your head unless it is Saint Lucia’s Day, and she does not want to wear an icky bathrobe from K-Mart like him and you do either.”

Evil EJ (slightly annoyed): “I’ll have both of you know that not only is that robe surprisingly comfortable, I saved over thirty dollars on it.”

Evil Crazy EJ (ignoring him): “Now is time for presents!”

A small pile of presents appears on the bed next to Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (going with it): “I must admit, this paper is exquisite.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “Samantha is an expert gift wrapper.”

Evil EJ (opening his first present): “An online subscription to The Wall Street Journal. Thank you.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “You’re welcome!”

Evil EJ (thinking): “Considering that I normally read the print version, this wouldn’t be a subtle reminder about that Barbie computer game Samantha wants for Christmas, would it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (insulted): “Samantha would do no such thing, Evil EJ!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (stroking her hair): “Yes, you know better than to hint-it is number one on your Christmas list for Santa!”

Evil Crazy EJ gestures to two handbound volumes that have appeared next to him on the bed.

Evil EJ (eyeing the number of pages): “Hmmm, Santa has quite the reading material ahead of him. Would you mind telling me what you want the most from him this year?”

Evil Crazy EJ (sighing happily): “Elmo’s Farm starring popular Sesame Street characters Elmo, Cookie Monster, and Ernie! Perfect for pretending to drive the tractor and play with the happy farm animals! Samantha wants to have a farm petting zoo!”

Evil EJ (making a mental note): “That sounds very peaceful.”

Evil EJ (now opening his second present): “How wonderful. You can never have too many firearms.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happy): “Yes, we know you like guns!”

Evil EJ lifts the handgun in his right hand and looks at it carefully.

Evil EJ (hiding a smirk): “And this one is a beauty…expert craftsmanship…you know, I would swear it is almost exactly like the P47 Klobb that I keep hidden underneath the first aid kit in the east wing laundry room.”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (lying): “You must be mistaken, Evil EJ. We bought this for you.”

Evil EJ (pretending to believe him): “You did? Where?”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying to throw him off): “Samantha thinks that is a very a silly question, Evil EJ. Of course we went to a gun store.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Which one?”

Unsure of what to say next, Evil Crazy EJ consults his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (making their best guess): “Target.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Oh, well then. Clearly I am in error. I shall have to find that section of the store the next time we’re there.”

Evil Crazy EJ (relieved): “Yes, you should!”

Evil EJ puts the gun down on the side of the bed.

Evil EJ (opening his last gift): “Ah, a homemade coupon book with three coupons. The first one says that it is redeemable for some famous artwork.”

Evil Crazy EJ (handing Evil EJ a piece of construction paper): “And we happen to have it right here!”

Genuinely moved, Evil EJ stares down at the drawing for several moments and then smiles at Evil Crazy EJ.

Evil EJ (sincerely): “Thank you. This means a lot to me.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling at his wife): “We knew you would like it, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ (reading his second coupon): “This coupon says it is good for one hour of psychic television.”

Evil EJ (puzzled): “May I inquire as to how this is different from when the three of us usually watch The Mentalist?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “We will make you snacks and bring you a tasty beverage to enjoy. And Samantha promises to not talk about how Patrick is a golden angel during the reveal of the murderer causing Evil EJ to miss the end of the show.”

Evil EJ (casually): “Well, I would prefer her theories about his magical hair to be kept to the time I am fast forwarding the commercials.”

Evil EJ (reading his last coupon): “This coupon says I have to pass a test.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, this is the message part of the story! Can you help the less fortunate?”

Evil EJ (squinting): “I see that fine print on this stipulates something about a shopping spree?”

Evil Crazy EJ (answering): “Yes, you get to take us to Target and buy Samantha as many new outfits as she wants!”

Evil EJ looks at Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll.

Evil EJ (dryly): “How generous of me.”

Suddenly Evil Crazy EJ leans over so he and his Samantha can hug Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (ecstatic): “Yes, we thought so! We knew you could do it! Samantha and I believed in you! You are a very smart person, Evil EJ!”

Amused at their reasoning, Evil EJ hugs them back for several moments before he pulls away.

Evil Crazy EJ (getting up): “Samantha and I are very happy you enjoyed your presents, Evil EJ! Now it’s time for the food!”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha move towards the dining room, and Evil EJ moves to follow them.

Carpe (narrating): “The room had undergone a surprising transformation. The walls and ceiling were so hung with living green, that it looked a perfect grove; from every part of which bright gleaming berries glistened. The crisp leaves of holly, mistletoe, and ivy reflected back the light, as if so many little mirrors had been scattered there; and such a mighty blaze went roaring up the chimney as that dull petrifaction of a hearth had never known in Evil EJ’s time.”

Evil EJ eyes all the candy, cookies, baked goods, chips, and junk food arrayed on the table.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Samantha and I used our Ghosts of Christmas Presents powers to make all this food!”

Evil EJ (considering the spread): “None of this is even remotely healthy, is it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (appalled): “Oh, no, Evil EJ. We made sure this was all food you would actually want to eat.”

Evil EJ (not touching any of it): “I see.”

Evil Crazy EJ glances down at his Samantha and grins.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Yes, Samantha! It is Christmas morning! Now we get to go outside and sing with the idiotic townspeople!”

With amazing quickness, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha bolt outside, and Evil EJ is forced to sprint in order to keep up.

Carpe (narrating): “In the city streets on Christmas morning, the people made a rough, but brisk and not unpleasant kind of music.”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha smile broadly as they sing, and Evil EJ is unable to suppress one of his own as they lead him down the street.

It’s all the ways that we show love
That feel like Christmas

A part of childhood we’ll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
Yes, when you do your best for love
It feels like Christmas

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear

It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year

Carpe (narrating): “And perhaps it was the pleasure the good Spirits had in showing off this power of theirs, or else it was their own kind, generous, hearty nature, that led Evil EJ straight to the Horton cabin.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “I pity the town’s cartographer.”

Carpe (irritated): “Do you want to waste time or do you want to get this over with?”

Evil Crazy EJ, his Samantha, and Evil EJ stop in front of the Horton cabin’s front window and peer inside where Lucas and Sami are standing in the middle of the living room. Lucas is holding a ceramic mug.

Lucas (too loudly): “This is the worst hot chocolate ever.”

Sami (hissing): “Lucas, be quiet! You’ll wake Johnny and Ali.”

Tiny Will (entering the room): “What has mom done now?”

Lucas (shaking his head): “Only waste all the milk on something that takes like burnt toast.”

Sami (making a face): “You see? This is why we’re not together anymore. It’s not that bad.”

Tiny Will (rolling his eyes): “Yeah, right. Come on, mom-you always screw up.”

Lucas (agreeing): “Admit it, Sami. You do always manage to make a mess of things.”

Sami (irritated): “You don’t like it, make your own!”

Sami moves over towards the door as Evil EJ stiffens and pulls away from the window.

Evil EJ (seething): “How touching.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing Evil EJ’s inflection): “No, Evil EJ! The neighbor lady needs your help! She does not want to be with Lucas and stupid Will-she is not happy. She wants to be with you and play with your kids and wait for your new baby!”

Evil EJ (moving over to lean on the door): “All true, but I believe this is the part of the story where through Tiny Tim’s health problems and the Cratchit’s poor financial situation, Scrooge is shown the error of his ways along with the true meaning of Christmas.”

Hearing this, Evil Crazy EJ frowns and consults his Samantha. After several moments, he looks up.

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “Samantha does not think that is right, Evil EJ. She thinks you are supposed to kill Lucas.”

Evil EJ (eyes lighting up): “Your wife is a very wise woman. I certainly wouldn’t want to disappoint her.”

Evil Crazy EJ (vindicated): “Samantha knew you wouldn’t!”

Evil EJ straightens his scarf and knocks on the cabin door as Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha run off.

Evil Crazy EJ (carefully carrying his wife): “Ehehehe…yes, Samantha, this is the part where we go hide!”

Sami’s eyes widen as she opens the door for Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (taking her hand): “Hello, darling. How are you? How’s the baby?”

Sami (glad that he’s there): “We’re both fine. Annoyed, but fine.”

Evil EJ (moving closer to her): “Good.”

Ejami kisses for several minutes.

Sami (opening her eyes): “EJ?”

Evil EJ (stroking her hair): “Yes, Samantha?”

Sami (giggling slightly): “We can’t do this here.”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Then let’s go inside.”

Sami (giggling slightly): “No, I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to, but we do have the plot to consider.”

Evil EJ (frowning): “Do we?”

Sami (also not pleased): “Yes, we do. I mean, if you want this to be over faster so we can be together.”

Lucas (poking at the fire): “Fine. Go ahead, make out with him. It’s not like you didn’t do that all throughout our marriage.”

Evil EJ (looking over at Lucas): “Has that waste of flesh been like this the entire time?”

Sami (sighing): “Yes, unfortunately. I think he’s worried about his idiot Chloe.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I can’t imagine why.”

Evil EJ stares at Sami for several moments before reluctantly moving away.

Evil EJ (leaning in one more time to kiss Sami on the cheek): “But you’re right. I’ll be back later, sweetheart.”

Sami (dismayed as she closes the door): “You’re not going to hurt Lucas first?”

Evil EJ (winking): “Patience.”

With great effort, Evil EJ moves away from the Horton cabin and crosses his arms as he stands in the street.

Evil EJ (impatiently): “Well?"

Only silence greets him.

Evil EJ (looking upward): “I am currently not with my beloved Samantha in order for this infuriating story to move forward. Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha should be here to take me back to the DiMansion.”

Carpe (not wanting to admit it): “They’re not cooperating.”

Evil EJ (sneering): “What do you mean they’re not cooperating? You’re the omnipotent author, you incompetent hack.”

Carpe (defensively): “You’re only one they always listen to, and they say they’d rather not have to stop playing Disney Princess: Enchanted Journey on the computer just to show up for two lines.”

Evil EJ (thoughtfully): “They do love that program. Evil Crazy EJ has spent hours designing new outfits with his Samantha.”

Carpe (scrambling): “We’re almost done, so I’ll just have the last ghost meet you here for the next part. Hang on.”

Evil EJ (under his breath): “One more chapter.”

Spin The Wheel of Death

Evil EJ spins his wheel of torture.

Gray EJ (watching): "I'm pulling for amputation. If anyone deserves it, it's Nicole."

Evil Crazy EJ (excitedly): "Samantha wants to suffocate her underneath a mountain of stuffed animals!"

Evil EJ (patiently): "Let's see what chance has in mind, eh?"

The wheel stops turning, and Evil EJ lights up at its selection.

Evil EJ (pleasantly): "Finally, an excuse to go shopping."

Gray EJ (watching): "Full body immolation?! That's your first choice-you rigged this!"

Evil EJ smirks.

Evil EJ (darkly): "Of course I did. A man makes his own fate."

Paging Chuck Bass

Okay, so it'd be more fitting if it were black, but at least it's not from K-Mart like his last robe.

Ali Sweeney on Hulu!

It's the Days insider talking to Ali Sweeney. Oh, and Galen Gering.