Saturday, September 27, 2008

Save Sami/Ali and EJ/James Buttons

Want to help me promote my We Love Sami Brady! Save Alison Sweeney! and We Love EJ DiMera! Save James Scott! blogs? Link me with the following buttons:

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I'd be happy to return the favor. Also, the associated online petitions are at:



Evil EJ and Ejami Solidarity Banners

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Sunday, September 21, 2008

Surrender Unto Me

Having assisted Samantha in putting the twins to bed, Gray EJ searches one of the lower levels of the DiMansion basement for the other EJs. Turning the corner around one of the passageways, he enters a much larger room only to be completely astonished by what he finds.

Gray EJ (shocked): “What in the…”

As he enters the freshly constructed stadium, Gray EJ sees that a wresting ring has been set up in the center of the arena with a steel cage enclosing it. A safe distance away, several comfortable red velvet chairs have been lined up for the optimal viewing experience. Evil EJ is seated in one of them in with Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll in another. Evil EJ is wearing his customary all black suit while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha are dressed in matching cheerleading outfits.

Evil Crazy EJ (waving): “Hi, Gray EJ! We were waiting for you! Samantha said we couldn’t start without you!”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, we were wondering when you were going to show up. You’d think you’d understand the importance of following Samantha’s lead with the children by now.”

Gray EJ looks around in horror for several moments.

Gray EJ (wincing): “Do I even want to know what’s going on here?”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “It is the main event! Stupid Pansy EJ versus Fake Dallas EJ in the ultimate grudge match!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, sweetheart, with the steel cage in place there is no leaving the squared circle until a winner is declared!”

Gray EJ (incredulously): “What?”

Evil EJ (easily): “Since they’ve been getting the vast majority of our screentime as of late, Good EJ and Dallas EJ clearly need to work some things out in order for our characterization to have any hope of recovery, and what better way than mortal combat? Why leave bread and circuses only to the commoners, I say.”

Gray EJ looks inside of the cage to see both Good EJ and Dallas EJ standing on opposite sides of the ring. Unable to pull himself away from the spectacle, Gray EJ walks over to Evil EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha.

Gray EJ (uncomfortably surveying the scene): “You know, you really have reached a new level of depravity here.”

Evil EJ (taking it as a complement): “One should always endeavor to challenge one’s self.”

Gray EJ (taking a seat next to Evil EJ): “And it doesn’t bother you a bit that this is the equivalent of Belgium having a war with Luxembourg.”

Evil EJ (indignantly): “How else am I supposed to entertain myself? Watch the show?”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look at each other silently for several moments before both of them burst into laughter.

Gray EJ (wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye): “Watch the show…you almost had me going there for a minute. Good one.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Indeed. I would think elective open heart surgery would be more fulfilling at this point, spoilers or no.”

Dallas EJ (hearing the insult from within the enclosure): “I’ll have you know that the love story between me and Nicole could not be more compelling.”

Good EJ (making a face from his half of the ring): “Try vomit inducing. It’s disgusting! No one wants to see her anywhere near us or cutting into our screentime with Samantha.”

Gray EJ (considering): “How’d you get them both in the cage anyway?”

Hero EJ (explaining): “Well, it was a team effort.”

Making his usual sudden entrance, Hero EJ hands out the refreshments and snacks that he had nicely agreed to get from the kitchen.

Evil Crazy EJ (taking their soft drinks): “Thank you, Hero EJ!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (sharing his popcorn with his wife): “Yes, we helped too! Samantha is an expert markswoman with tranquilizer guns!”

Gray EJ (accepting the energy drink Hero EJ anticipated he would want): “You approve of this?!”

Hero EJ (surprised at his surprise): “Why wouldn’t I? It’s one of the modern day equivalents of jousting.”

Evil EJ (taking the glass of wine that he had requested): “Which means it’s the perfect excuse for Hero EJ here to indulge his inner bloodlust.”

Hero EJ (sitting down and taking a sip of his vitamin water): “No, I appreciate the chance to see Good EJ show Dallas EJ that being good doesn’t mean being disrespectful.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Sure you do. And before I forget, let me warn you that the chink in your shining armor is showing.”

The overhead lights dim slightly as Robo EJ, dressed in a referee outfit, enters the cage and moves to the center of the ring in order to begin the match.

Robo EJ (mechanical voice): “GENTLEMEN…”

Evil Crazy EJ (interrupting): “Dumb robot! Samantha is here too!”

Robo EJ (error correcting): “LADY AND GENTLEMEN…READY TO RUMBLE?”

Hero EJ (firmly): “Yes.”

Evil EJ (shrugging): “I suppose.”

Evil Crazy EJ (jumping up and down): “Robo EJ! Samantha and I are ready to rumble!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (screaming at his wife’s request): “YOUR LUCK HAS RUN OUT!!!”

Seeing the level of interest disparity between Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha and Hero EJ and Evil EJ, Gray EJ snickers.

Gray EJ (patronizingly to Evil EJ): “What, no fist pump?”

Evil EJ (calmly enjoying his drink): “No need. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha have more than enough enthusiasm for all of us.”

Robo EJ (gesturing to one side): “THIS CORNER…GOOD EJ WHO LIKE SAMANTHA!”

Good EJ (annoyed): “No, I love Samantha! She’s our soulmate!”

Hero EJ (encouragingly): “Make me proud, seraph!”

Gray EJ (loudly): “You can do it, Good EJ!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “It’s time to get your hands dirty, sunshine.”

Samantha: “…”

In order to better hear her, Evil Crazy EJ leans down towards his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (relaying his wife’s instructions): “Listen to Samantha, Stupid Pansy EJ! We want you to win! Rip Fake Dallas EJ’s face off, and wear it as your own for your trophy!”

Robo EJ (gesturing to the other side): “THIS CORNER…DALLAS EJ WHO LIKE NICOLE!”

Dallas EJ (haughty): “Actually, it’s much more than that. I care for her very much.”

Gray EJ (annoyed to Hero EJ): “Which makes absolutely no sense given our characterization up to this point. This unbelievable triangle has to be one of the most imbecilic decisions Days has ever made.”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “It’s a genuine travesty.”

Evil Crazy EJ (jointly with his wife): “Boooooooo! You suck, not real EJ!”

Evil EJ (pretending to cough): “Racist.”

Aghast at the accusation about Dallas EJ, Hero EJ and Gray EJ look at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (mock innocently): “What? It’s all over the internet.”

Robo EJ (moving backward): “FIGHT UNTIL ONE WINS! FIGHT!”

Robo EJ leaves the cage and locks the door behind him before either Good EJ or Dallas EJ can follow him.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Those were some rather vague instructions. What constitutes winning?”

Hero EJ (unclear himself): “I don’t know. Robo EJ’s language skills are quite limited.”

Evil EJ (dismissively): “It was a waste of CPU cycles to add anything even slightly complicated. How many different ways does he need to lie to Nicole?”

Inside the cage, Good EJ and Dallas EJ eye each other warily.

Good EJ (nervously): “Um, so, ah…how are you today, Dallas EJ?”

Dallas EJ (eyeing the steel enclosure): “How trite. But if you all insist on being little children, I suppose I can indulge you.”

Good EJ (guardedly): “Okay. How about you drop Nicole, and we both walk out of here?”

Dallas EJ (snotty): “The woman who should be dropped is that loser Samantha. And how about I punch you in the face?”

Dallas EJ moves over to Good EJ and hits him with a badly aimed right hook. Good EJ screams at the impact, his high pitched voice echoing throughout the stadium.

Good EJ (like a little girl): “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Evil Crazy EJ (loudly): “Stupid Pansy EJ! Samantha believes in you!”

Good EJ barely manages to block Dallas EJ’s poor attempt at an uppercut.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (angrily): “She also says that she will use your ribcage as a xylophone if she loses the five dollars that she bet on you winning!”

Good EJ (unable to deal with the pressure): “What? No! No more torture from you two!”

Panic overtaking him, Good EJ runs away from Dallas EJ as Dallas EJ attempts to kick Good EJ’s right ankle.

Dallas EJ (yelling): “Get back here, you louse!”

Evil EJ, Gray EJ, Hero EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha watch as Dallas EJ catches up to Good EJ on the other side of the ring and the two combatants handslap each other for several minutes.

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Pathetic.”

Gray EJ (frowning): “Very. Not exactly the Ultimate Warrior versus the Undertaker here, eh?”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No, but considering this is the best either of them can do, I suppose it’s not that bad.”

Evil EJ (disagreeing): “You suppose wrong. I’ve seen better combat on C-Span.”

A loud ringing noise echoes throughout the arena.

Hero EJ (looking around): “Saved by the bell.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Literally.”

Evil Crazy EJ (last minute check with his wife): “Are you ready, Samantha?”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “Great! It is time for the halftime show!”

Outside of the cage, Robo EJ gestures for Good EJ and Dallas EJ to retreat to their respective corners as Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and move to a clear space in front of the seats. Gray EJ looks at Evil EJ in confusion.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Halftime show?”

Evil EJ (finishing his wine): “Of course, you fence straddling maggot. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha worked very hard on their routine.”

Having practiced for weeks, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha execute a tightly choreographed sequence of dance line and cheerleading moves to the piped in music.

Hero EJ (genuinely impressed): “I had no idea they could backflip that high.”

Gray EJ (awed as well): “And so gracefully too!”

Good EJ (catching his breath): “Aaaah…ahhhh.”

Not nearly as winded as his opponent, Dallas EJ moves over to the edge of the enclosure and stares at Evil EJ.

Dallas EJ (condescending): “This little show here is completely embarrassing for Evil Crazy EJ and only encourages him to act out instead of fitting into society. Now, it must be extremely challenging for someone as selfish as you are to take care of a special needs adult, so I can see why you’d allow it. But it’s a big mistake.”

Evil EJ (absolute zero): “And here I thought it was your mother’s unquestioning faith in thalidomide.”

Dallas EJ (matching the chill): “Says the man too chicken to fight me himself. Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?”

Evil EJ (deadly): “Always.”

The music fades, and again a loud ringing noise echoes throughout the arena. Done with their routine, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha run back to join the other EJs.

Evil Crazy EJ (retaking his seat with his wife): “Yes, Samantha! Round two!”

Robo EJ motions to Good EJ and Dallas EJ for the match to continue. Good EJ decides to continue his strategy of cowardice and runs around the ring avoiding Dallas EJ who studies Good EJ’s movement patterns.

Gray EJ (not believing what he’s saying): “You can do it, Good EJ!”

Hero EJ (unshakable faith): “Show Dallas EJ who’s the boss!”

Evil EJ (trying another tack): “Hey, sugarbumps! He stole your Sex and the City - The Movie Special Edition DVD!”

Nailing the pattern of Good EJ’s running, Dallas EJ grabs Good EJ and slams him against the side of the cage.

Dallas EJ (loathing): “You’re as embarrassing as the woman you love.”

Good EJ (trying to escape): “What’s insulting is your treatment of her! Tough love? Disrespecting someone isn’t love at all!”

Dallas EJ presses Good EJ into the wall as hard as he can.

Dallas EJ (snidely): “True. Oh, sure, I might have some residual feelings for Samantha, but I pity her, really. It’s not like she has any friends, right? Her self-destructive tendencies will destroy her again as they have every time in the past. Stupid woman actually thought-”

Hearing his beloved disparaged, something snaps inside of Good EJ.

Good EJ (enraged): “WE LOVE SAMANTHA!”

Fueled by his pure love for the woman of his dreams, Good EJ abruptly breaks Dallas EJ’s hold and repeatedly kicks him in the groin.

Dallas EJ (surprised): “Agggh!”


Hero EJ (loudly): “Insult to purity!”

Evil Crazy EJ (yelling): “Not real EJ!”

Gray EJ (clapping): “Sanctimonious git!”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Ignorant unceremonious wanker!”

Good EJ (pointing to his cheering section): “What they said!”

Capitalizing on his support, Good EJ pile drives Dallas EJ into the canvas.

Dallas EJ (reeling in pain): “AAAAARGGGGHHHHHH!”

Unwilling to give Dallas EJ a chance to recover, Good EJ hits him again with an elbow drop off the side of the cage.

Dallas EJ (losing consciousness): “No…it can’t be …”

With Dallas EJ down for the count, Good EJ stands off to the side.

Robo EJ (outside the cage): “1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10!”

The winning conditions met, Robo EJ unlocks the cage, enters, and comes over to Good EJ.

Robo EJ (raising Good EJ’s right hand): “WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION! GOOD EJ!”

At the proclamation, the cage mechanism rises off of the ring, and Robo EJ and Good EJ get out while Dallas EJ remains a crumpled heap on the floor of the stage. His current mission complete, Robo EJ powers himself down in a nearby corner. Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and his Samantha come over to greet Good EJ while Evil EJ stays in his seat.

Evil Crazy EJ (excitedly): “Congratulations, Stupid Pansy EJ on beating Fake Dallas EJ! Samantha is very happy to have ten dollars now to spend on fall dresses!”

Gray EJ (sincerely): “Yes, good job!”

Evil EJ (smirking): “We all knew you could do it, carrotcake.”

Hero EJ (offering a towel and water bottle to Good EJ): “Excellent work. You struggled in the beginning, but then you focused on Samantha, and she was able to fuel you on to victory.”

Good EJ (refusing Hero EJ’s offering): “How could you have helped put this match together? You’re supposed to be on my side!”

Hero EJ (truly hurt): “Good EJ, even you have to admit we have been unwatchable on screen lately with our out of place characterization.”

Good EJ (staggering backward as he tries to catch his breath): “I don’t admit anything.”

Self-righteous Voice (haughtily): “Funny. Neither do I.”

Unwilling to admit defeat, Dallas EJ springs off of the canvas suddenly from behind and grabs Good EJ in a headlock. Hero EJ, Evil EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha immediately tense, ready to spring into action. Full of himself, Dallas EJ shakes his head slightly.

Dallas EJ (having the upper hand): “Not so fast. I’ll break his neck. And we all know what happens then, don’t we?”

Hero EJ (taking charge): “Let him go, Dallas EJ. You don’t want to die anymore than we do. It’s over. He can’t help you.”

Dallas EJ (using his leverage): “Not alone anyway. If you want all of us to get out of this alive, you idiots are going to listen and agree to my demands.”

Hero EJ (negotiating as he formulates a plan): “All right.”

Dallas EJ (snootily): “I thought so. First, you need to throw away this all consuming love for Samantha. The writers have decided that we don’t feel that way any longer, and right now we’re enamored with Nicole. Samantha is no longer the center of our world, and you have to accept that reality. I don’t want to be locked into that depraved pairing anymore.”

The air crackles as a single gunshot punctuates Dallas EJ’s last words. Hit in the middle of his forehead, he immediately lets go of Good EJ and falls backward. Shocked, Good EJ, Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha turn to see Evil EJ with his gun in his hand, having fired without hesitation the instant he had a clear shot.

Evil EJ (demonically): “Then let me set you free.”

As the now late Dallas EJ bleeds out onto the concrete floor, Good EJ moves over to Hero EJ and Gray EJ. Satisfied with how he’s resolved the situation, Evil EJ reholsters his firearm as he stands up.

Hero EJ (disbelievingly): “I was handling it, Evil EJ! You didn’t need to kill him!”

Gray EJ (mentally taking the next step): “Why aren’t we dead?!”

Ignoring their remarks, Evil EJ walks over to Dallas EJ’s body and admires his handiwork.

Evil EJ (to the corpse): “You were saying, counterfeit? We are many, many things, but a hypocrite is not one of them.”

Evil Crazy EJ (approvingly): “Good shot, Evil EJ! Samantha says the blood spatter is impressive! She would also like to know if this means that we can kill Good EJ now.”

Evil EJ (moving his head up and grimacing): “Sadly, no.”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “An Austin Reed stealing our name and face is no more a part of us than Robo EJ, so I was able to give Dallas EJ what he so fittingly deserved. But unlike this insulting imitation, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star here is actually part of our total, albeit fractured, personality. We are unfortunately stuck with his festering goodness.”

Good EJ sighs in relief at Evil EJ’s words.

Hero EJ (sincerely as he puts his hand on Good EJ’s shoulder): “I wouldn’t let him kill you even if he could.”

Good EJ (pushing Hero EJ away): “I don’t trust you anymore!”

Gray EJ (looking at Dallas EJ’s corpse): “Evil EJ, while that makes as much sense as anything with us ever does, um, shouldn’t you not have done that anyway? I mean, TPTB seem pretty stuck on this joke of a triangle, so they’re going to keep going with this idiotic plotline for a while. I’m sure he has more scenes coming up.”

Evil EJ (unconcerned): “As am I. And I see no reason why he can’t be in them.”

Gray EJ (pressing): “But you just killed him. He’s dead.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Exactly.”

The other EJs look at Evil EJ in confusion except Evil Crazy EJ who lights up in delight.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Yes, Samantha! Zombie Dallas EJ!”

Good EJ (stunned): “What?!”

Hero EJ (taken aback): “You wouldn’t.”

Gray EJ (cringing): “Oh, yes, he would.”

Evil EJ (devilishly): “Just in time for Halloween.”

Evil EJ (stepping on Dallas EJ’s right kneecap): “Besides, it’s not as if anyone will notice the difference. Seen one self-righteous Salemite, seen them all. He can drool all over that abhorrent tart just fine, and we can easily replace him if the writing suddenly and miraculously improves.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (thrilled): “That is a very good question, Samantha! I wonder if Zombie Dallas EJ will be vulnerable to fire too!”

Evil EJ walks over to Gray EJ and hands him a keycard.

Gray EJ (wondering): “What’s this?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Access to the morgue. There’s already a shelf ready and waiting for our necromancy subject.”

Evil EJ (putting a hand on Gray EJ’s shoulder for a moment): “Now, be a dear, and take care of all this for me. After all, I did just save your life, and I’m sure everyone else here will gladly assist you out of the same gratitude. I’d do it myself, but Samantha and I have plans.”

Hero EJ (remembering): “But it was your turn last night.”

Good EJ (incredulously): “And the night before!”

Gray EJ (resigned): “And the night before that.”

Evil EJ (mock humbly): “Who am I to deny our beloved her preference for the personality she’d like to spend the most time with?”

His work finished, Evil EJ starts walking to the exit of the arena as Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Good EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha watch him leave. The pieces moving in his mind, Gray EJ calls after Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (putting it all together): “This was the plan all along, wasn’t it? You got to kill Dallas EJ in an unnecessarily convoluted manner that amused you, and we’re stuck down here cleaning all this up while you get to spend the night with Samantha again.”

Extremely pleased with himself, Evil EJ turns around and looks at the other EJs before winking mischievously at them.

Evil EJ (smugly): “Bow down, cretins.”

Monday, September 15, 2008

I Need Your Help!

Long story short, Days of our Lives is rather determined to commit ratings suicide here as they idiotically want to get rid of Alison Sweeney as soon as they can legally do so because it's against the law to fire pregnant women, and they're inadvertently forcing James Scott into not renewing his contract by writing EJ as a carbon copy of Austin Reed instead of the DiMera he should be.

Neither of these situations are acceptable, and I refuse to go down without a fight. But I can't do it alone. Please forget the crap currently pretending to be "Days" on your screen, and join me in showing TPTB that they are about to slit their own throat and destroy any chance they have of taking this show into the next decade. I have started two blogs with relevant network and sponsor contact information and other stuff for each character and actor:

We Love Sami Brady - Save Alison Sweeney

We Love EJ DiMera - Save James Scott

Now can we win this battle? Your guess is as good as mine. But we have a shot, and that's better than nothing. So in the words of the great James Hetfield, "no remorse, no regrets." If we're at the end of the damn line, let's go out with a bang to shake the very foundation of the soap world. Our couple deserves nothing less.

Broken, Beat, & Scarred

You rise, you fall, you're down then you rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong
You rise, you fall, you're down then you rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong

Rise, fall, down, rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong
Rise, fall, down, rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong

Through black days
Through black nights
Through pitch black insights

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Breaking your life, broken beat and scarred
But we die hard

The dawn, the death, the fight to the final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong
The dawn, the death, the fight to the final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong

Dawn, death, fight, final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong
Dawn, death, fight, final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong

They scratched me
They scraped me
They couldn't rape me

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Breaking your life, broken beat and scarred
But we die hard

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Braiding your soul in a hard luck story
Show your scars
Spilling your blood in a hot suns foray
Breaking your life, broken, beat and scarred
We die hard
We die hard
We die hard

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha Review September 10th, 2008

Hello! How is everyone today? Samantha and I are so happy to be here!

Yes! We want to thank Carpe for asking us to do the review!

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Yes, Samantha, we are so lucky to get to review Metallica’s new album!”

Samantha (throwing her hands up in the air): “It is great! You need to buy it right away on Friday if you have not already had someone help you preorder it so it is there waiting for you when you go to the store. You can listen to part of it at, and there are songs about demons and death and killing people and selling your soul and monsters and the end of the world! And the best song is about coloring!”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “James Hetfield is truly a master lyrist to write so eloquently about our favorite activity.”

Samantha (singing): “I’ll end this day...I’ll splatter color on this gray

What are you two doing?

Hi, Evil EJ! Samantha and I are doing the review we promised Carpe.

Evil EJ (irritated): “But Carpe did not ask you to review the new Metallica album, although I’m sure she appreciates another blatant plug for her favorite musical group. You and Samantha are supposed to be reviewing today’s show.”

Samantha (shaking her head): “I didn’t like it. It was stupid!”

Evil Crazy EJ (comforting his wife): “Samantha says it was dumb, so she does not want to talk about it. We decided to review ‘Death Magnetic’ instead.”

Evil EJ (patiently): “Unfortunately for you two, that’s not what you agreed to do. Now, get back to reviewing the episode, okay? You promised her you would do so. And I’ll know if you don’t.”

Trusting his best friend to listen to him, Evil EJ leaves Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha alone again in the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (annoyed): “Fine! Idiotic Carpe. It’s not like anyone reads these anyway, right, sweetheart?”

Samantha (sticking her tongue out): “Yes, but we will review the dumb show now, not that we want to.”

Evil Crazy EJ (mockingly): “I am Good EJ, and I am stupid. I cannot even read with my stupid glasses. That is how stupid I am. How I do not fall down from my stupidity I do not know.”

Samantha (sing song): “I am Nicole, and I am even dumber than Good EJ! My dress is ugly, and I get cold because it has no arms. My doggie is sad because I stick her in a purse, and she cannot breathe! I am a bad owner!”

Husband and wife look at each other in agreement.

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “So there you have it. The show today was stupid, and Samantha and I did not like it at all. We give it a -42 for being boring and not having any coloring, chocolate milk, or random murders.”

The review finished, Samantha claps her hands together.

Samantha (smiling): “Review over! Now it is time for reader mail! Yea!”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking at his wife in surprise): “What a great idea, Samantha! You are so smart! Yes, it is mail time!”

Distant Sinister Voice (exasperated): “No, it’s not.

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha (singing): “We get letters! We get letters! We get lots and lots of letters!”

Evil Crazy EJ (reading): “Our first question comes from Cat. Dear Samantha and Evil Crazy EJ, why did you attack Nicole with a saucer?”

Puzzled, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha look at each other.

Evil Crazy EJ (wondering): “What else would I hit her with? A spoon?”

Samantha (laughing): “Silly question!”

Evil Crazy EJ (reading again): “Our second question comes from Tricky via Virgie. Dear Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha, who let Pansy EJ out of his cage?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Excellent question.”

Samantha (explaining): “My husband and I had been wondering the same thing. First we suspected that our minions at Lowe’s the Home Improvement Place did not appreciate the extra dollar we bribed them with and sabotaged the cage, but it passed a full inspection. Then we thought Hello Kitty might have fallen to Stockholm syndrome and become a traitor, a willing disciple of goodness. However, we shared this concern with Evil EJ, and she was able to avoid an unpleasant trip in the washing machine after a complete investigation. So Good EJ is out of his cage because he has a magic hat.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Evil EJ explained to us that Good EJ escapes with a magic hat to be all pansyish. It must be invisible because we have not seen him wearing it.”

No, I said he gets out by writer fiat. TPTB want it, so it happens. And what are you two doing?!

Hi, Evil EJ! Samantha and I are done with the review so we are answering reader questions!

Ah, yes, your “review.” I hardly think what you two did qualifies as a survey of today’s episode.

Evil Crazy EJ (angry): “We think it is a review!”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Really. Then you won’t mind if I do not take you to McDonald’s with me while Gray EJ and Hero EJ spend time with our beloved and the twins.”

Shocked, Samantha and Evil Crazy EJ look at Evil EJ.

Samantha (gasping in horror): “You promised! You said you would take us to get Happy Meals for dinner!”

Evil Crazy EJ (eyes widened): “Samantha is stunned at your cruelty, Evil EJ. We were good today just like you asked us to be! We did not even try to draw on the important legal papers you invitingly leave in your briefcase! How could you lie to us?”

Evil EJ (gesturing easily): “Oh, how could I possibly uphold my word with someone who refuses to do the same?”

Samantha (pouting): “Evil EJ is mean! Why is he so smart?”

Evil Crazy EJ (glaring): “True evil is very intelligent, Samantha. He has us. We have to do the review now.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Quite. Now get to it for real this time, and perhaps we can swing by Target on the way home. I’m sure Samantha would like to look at their dress collection.”

Samantha (hugging Evil Crazy EJ): “Yes! New fall fashions! Please?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding at his wife): “Samantha and I agree. We will start now.”

Evil EJ (leaving): “Good. I’ll leave you two to it. Have fun.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha reluctantly begin their review.

The DiMera mansion is actually much nicer than this. We are not sure why they keep showing this old photo for it.

“Nicole, I can't help but be attracted to you. It's a matter of biology.” By that Good EJ means that he’d like to dissect Nicole with a rusty paring knife, but he is too scared. Pansy!

Samantha thinks Sami looks very pretty here! Nice hair and makeup, and beautiful lavender top! She also says Nicole looks like she forgot to finish getting dressed.

We hate Nicole for many reasons, but we especially do not like her choice of beverage. Why would you not have chocolate milk in the morning?

Even Pansy Good EJ does not like this episode. That is how stupid it is!

“Just tell me what the hell you're thinking standing here talking to her when you should be fighting for our daughter.” He does not think, Sami! Good EJ has no brain!
“That's a bit of a flip-flop. Don't you think, Samantha? As soon as it serves the occasion, suddenly Ali’s my child as well?” Samantha says both babies are Evil EJ’s!
“I thought you felt like she was your daughter all along, actually, EJ. You always told me how you love her just as much as you love Johnny, or were you lying about that, too?” Evil EJ, Hero EJ, and Gray EJ would not lie about that. We cannot vouch for dumb Good EJ here.
“Samantha, this is about you and your feelings. You've always rubbed my nose in the fact that Ali is not mine, that she's Lucas' daughter.” That does not matter! Baby Ali needs your help now!
“I wish I could change the channel. Isn't there anything better on?” Samantha says the show should not break the fourth wall when it is this awful as it only highlights how boring this plot is.
“And now what, hmm? You think you can just come over here and manipulate me into some kind of action?” Someone has to do something, Good EJ! You just sit around being good and stupid.
“And, Samantha, if you were under the impression that I can get you back custody of Ali, you're wrong. Lucas has rights. You might not like it, but that's the law.” We do not care about dumb laws, Good EJ! Evil EJ is not bound by any rule of man!
“How can you be so cavalier about this?” Good EJ is not very bright, Sami.
“How can you be so outraged about it, Samantha? Hmm? It's not the end of the world. You're sharing custody of your daughter with her father. It's not like you're never gonna see her again, okay?” Lucas tried to kill Evil EJ, and he is even stupider than Good EJ! He will forget to give Baby Ali food! Someone must save her!

Good EJ is really just mad that Sami and Nicole broke all his nice crayons.

“I got John Black who's starting a war against Tony and me for control of the DiMera fortune. I got my father hold up in the back there about to unleash hell at any given moment. My life, Samantha, has been turned upside down!” and “My point, if it is not incredibly clear, is that I don't have time to deal with either of your problems. Just take a deep breath, all right, relax, and leave me out.” Samantha thinks that Good EJ should be happy his daddy is okay, not complaining. And why not ask him for help since he is smart and evil? Because Good EJ is too stupid to do so! Blinded by goodness! Evil EJ would take advantage of every available resource to protect his family, and he would not complain like a loser about it either.

“Go ahead and focus on your spoiled little life and your really ‘difficult’ problems while I go rescue my daughter without your assistance.” Samantha believes that our daddy being awake upstairs would be a problem that concerns Sami, but apparently Sami is too busy being mean to Good EJ to see that.
“Samantha, if you are about to do something monumentally stupid, I suggest you reconsider.” We do not think the writing will let you or Sami do anything not stupid, Good EJ.
“So that I could what, be more passive and ineffectual like you?” Yes! Good EJ does nothing! He is no help at all!
“The judge made a ruling, okay? That's the end of it.” Only because you are a girl! Evil EJ would so do many more things. He is smart!
“Look, I understand that this is difficult for you, okay? But like I said, Samantha, it's not the end of the world, all right? So you're just gonna have strong.” And like Evil EJ says, strength comes from power, which you do not have, stupid Good EJ.

Samantha says Good EJ really should not talk to himself as it is a sign that you are crazy. Also, Good EJ needs to lock the front door. People should not be able to wander in and out of the house, or they will take your toys.

We think the bear is very cute! Why he is yellow we are not sure about. We also do not know why Lucas has turned Baby Ali into a hippie.

This is none of Nicole’s business! If she keeps this up, Evil EJ said he will find a way around the writing and stab her to death himself. He also said we will get to keep Pookie and give her a new name like Creeping Death or Cupcake.

Samantha says she misses Officer Chuck.

And we both miss Evil EJ on screen! He would fix everything! He would kill everyone there except Sami and Baby Ali, and everyone would live happily ever after! Samantha says that the show is stupid for favoring Good EJ instead. And our grade is still -42.

The review completed, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha look at each other thoughtfully.

Samantha (considering): “The cage is no help with Good EJ’s magic hat. We are going to have to deal with him somehow. Even if Evil EJ won’t let us kill him.”

Evil Crazy EJ (on the same page): "Yes, Samantha, we are going to have to figure out a way to neutralize his horrible sticky goodness.”

Samantha (getting up with her husband): “Maybe we can take out some of his insides and sell them online? If Good EJ needs machine friends to keep him alive, he will have to stay in bed, so Evil EJ can be the EJ on the show.”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing his wife on the cheek): “Brilliant idea, sweetheart! We can ask Evil EJ if that would be alive enough. You are so smart!”

Samantha (beaming): “Thank you for the compliment! You’re so sweet, Evil Crazy EJ!”

Samantha (winking at her husband): “Race you! Last place gets the less fun Happy Meal toy!”

Giggling, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha run out of the room to go see Evil EJ.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Evil EJ Reviews Monday, September 8th, 2008

“Yes? Carpe? Slow down, darling, you’re even more incoherent than usual. No, I haven’t watched the show yet, I had to take Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha to Best Buy to pre-order the new album by that insipid band you three like. Yes. Yes, I am going to insult Metallica in front of you, and I-wait, what? Again? Damn. No, no, don’t apologize, I understand. I’ll take care of it. This requires a firm hand. You’re welcome. I’ll talk to you again soon. Goodbye.”

So I hear due to the “writing,” and I use the word extremely loosely, my unfortunate better half is currently infecting the show with his insidious goodness and unwavering stupidity. Let’s survey the damage, shall we?

I see that in order to better camouflage himself, my archnemesis has attempted to imitate my dress and facial hair. But it’s not going to work, Good EJ. The vacant look in your eyes gives you away, not to mention the weak body language.

“The reality of the situation is that you and Lucas are no longer together. The judge took everything under consideration, and he decided to award joint custody. You don't have a choice but to comply with the court's decision.” Yes, because we care so much about laws, don’t we, Pansy EJ? Upright citizen fulfilling the bare minimum that is expected of us in order to maintain the thin veneer of an excuse we call civilization, eh?
“I understand the concept of sharing custody, okay? That is not what I am fighting about. Just...the idea of packing her up and carting her off. It's just not right. I have a terrible feeling about this.” Ah, yes, let’s borrow dialogue from Star Wars because George Lucas is known for his wonderful cadence, isn’t he?

“Look, Samantha, I understand this is difficult for you, but it's not like you lost complete custody of Ali. I think the judge's decision was fair.” You would, you pathetic maggot.
“Well, I don't. I have a really bad feeling about this. I have a bad feeling about her being taken away from me, even for a weekend.” As well you should, Samantha.
“Okay, but you need to understand-this is out of your hands.” Only because you have feet of clay.
“No, it's not. I'm not being unrealistic here. I am being cautious, and I don't understand why people can't see that.” They are weak, unwilling to protect what’s theirs.
“Well, frankly, I don't think that anybody quite understands where you're coming from.” I do, and I’m more than certain the audience does. Try to keep up, old chap.
“It's about doing what's best for her. And I don't think taking her away from everything that is familiar to her is what's best, especially the way it's happening-pulling her away from all this stuff so harshly. I just think she won't understand.” An entirely logical and valid concern.
“I think she's more like her mother than you think.” She’s wonderful.
“Well, that's not exactly comforting. I mean, look what happened to me in my childhood, with my fathers coming and going with no reasonable explanation. My mom was taken from me and then miraculously brought back. All of that completely messed me up. I wasn't exactly a poster teen for mental health.” If you had been, you wouldn’t be the woman we love, sweetheart.
“Samantha, if you don't want to upset her, just do your part. She'll take a cue from you, you know? It's about time you start trying to make things better instead of making them worse.” Indecent cretin. That is your job as the head of the household. We protect our woman and our offspring.
“What is that supposed to mean? What exactly could I have done to make things better?” How about kneeing Little Miss Sunshine here in the groin?
“Well, to start off with, you could have stayed married to me.” Oh, the pantywaist thinks he can go there, does he?

“What I mean is, I think things would have turned out differently if you and I were still married.” The demo wouldn’t have dropped to 1.2 again, that’s for certain.
“How would being married to you have helped my case?” Him? Not all. Me? In every way conceivable.
“Besides, I don't need you or Lucas. I can take care of and provide for my children all by myself.” It’s a nice sentiment, my dear, but a very unrealistic one.
“How? Samantha, you don't have any viable income. You don't have a permanent residence.” Don’t forget the horribly spotty job history.
“Not to mention the fact that Lucas is an ex-con, for God's sake. I'm sure the judge really considered that little gem.” If I were in charge, the judge would have only had to consider which ocean he would have his private island surrounded by.
“The judge would have to consider that little gem, but he would also have to consider things like the difficulties that you had with Will.” Let’s not think about young William more than we have to, shall we?

“You need to be realistic. This is about the most natural thing in the world.” Nature is for us to rise above, Pansy EJ.
“What is?” Exactly, darling.
“Two parents who don't live together coming together to raise their child. I don't know why you can't understand that.” She understands just fine. She just doesn’t agree, you patronizing git.
“Look, I don't care what you say. I'm not giving her up. I won't do it.” As well you shouldn’t, Samantha.
“Samantha, Lucas is her father.” Yes, let’s acknowledge the “rightful” place of the worthless loser who nearly murdered us and left Ali to wander outside by herself.
“Samantha, I couldn't love Ali any more if she were my own, you know? That's why I went to such great lengths to try and keep our family together.” And by “I” you mean me, Strawberry Shortcake.
“Oh, that's right. By lying about the annulment and getting a court order so that I can't leave this nuthouse with my son.” Our home is not a mental institution, sweetheart.
“Samantha, I did those things to help you.” Of course we did!
“To help me? Have you lost your mind? You think it was helping me to keep me held hostage here? I still can't take my son out of this house. Do you realize how twisted that is?” But in such a wonderful way. Johnny, you, us. One happy evil family.
“Samantha, my motivation has always been you, doing what I can to protect those that I love.” Yes, we did what was necessary.
“That is not love, EJ. That is control. You think I'm a control freak? You are the worst.” Ah, but my dear, love is control. I would think you would know that by now.

“Ali's a baby. I'm her mother. No judge in the world is gonna take her away from me.” Not if I had anything to say about it, anyway.
“The second thing is that after you file, you need to be a perfect model citizen, which means not plotting and scheming. Don't give me that innocent look.” Why don’t you ask our beloved not to breathe too, cupcake?
“What do you expect me to do-just wait around for the courts to decide what's best? It could take months for them to sort out this mess.” All the more reason to take matters into your own hands, sweetheart.
“All right. After you file, you need to understand that every move that you make- everything that you do-is going to be subject to the scrutiny of the courts. I know how you are...and I'm telling you-I'm not gonna have you pulling any of these stunts around Johnny.” Oh yes, heaven forbid our son get a head start on learning the manipulative skills he needs.
“No. I'm telling you you need to remain focused and you need to act responsibly. And if you don''re gonna force me to choose Johnny over you.” Idle threats from someone as timid as you are, Pansy EJ, not that you should ever say that to our Samantha anyway. We do not compromise on our family. Ever.

If only my father were to have inappropriately have shown up here. That would have clarified things rather quickly. Alas. Off at the links again, I suppose.

“The judge called. You knew this was coming, Samantha. Lucas' official time with Ali starts now. You have to let her go.” No one makes our Samantha do anything but us. Situations like these are why firearms were invented.

You do know that instead of attempting to comfort Samantha and then leaving her to her own devices which will inevitably fail, you could take matters into your own hands and fix this entire situation. But that would be wrong, and we can’t do anything even slightly bad now, can we? You inflexible worm.

Here we are at the end of today's show, and after such a sickening travesty of supposed "justice," even I need a drink. In summary, my beloved Samantha is currently performing her best impersonation of a thirteen year old girl, and we are an impotent brain dead automaton. Lovely. Thank you, Good EJ, and thank you, Dena, for such a stunning display of storytelling ineptitude. Keep it up, my dear, and you won’t have a show to ruin.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Pretty Crappy Week of September 1st, 2008, in Review


“Pompous idiot!” Stefano, you can’t say that and expect to get anywhere, brainwashing or no brainwashing.


The worst part about being in a waking coma for Stefano? Missing his daily allotment of Diet Mountain Dew.

“So, Elvis, I am told...that you are working for John. Is that true?” Yup.
“I'm working for Mickey Horton's Law Firm. John's a client.” What? Um, that’s not what happened a few weeks ago. Sheesh, don’t mind me, Days, I just watch the damn show.

If Days were a sitcom, Stefano would be the hardworking single parent trying to make ends meet, Tony the belligerent teenage son, and EJ the quiet boy who obediently does his homework at the kitchen table.

“As soon as I win custody, I'm taking my daughter out of this pit of human degradation.” Dude, that just makes the DiMansion sound even cooler! And push Luloe harder, show, please.

“I hate to say it, but it appears from the script the show is even worse tomorrow.”

“While we're talking about it, Samantha and I are extremely comfortable, as are the twins.” Yes, the DiMansion is lovely, isn’t it?
“Face it, Father. EJ and I have every right to be here.” Actually, you don’t, as it is his house.
“You two have no idea what you are doing.” Well, that’s more of the writing’s fault, Stefano.
“Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. See, we've learned quite a lot watching you.” I bet, EJ.
“Ah, yes. Elvis, my observant son. I'm sure you have. But, you know, I'm not worried, because the bottom line here is that Stefano DiMera will win one way or the other. is to my sons. Go ahead. Bring it on.” Yes, shall we?

“Say what you want, but I am perfectly innocent. And I dare you to prove otherwise.” Exactly. No proof, no crime, baby!


I’m thinking this injunction required some illegal maneuvering on EJ’s part. Neither he nor Tony have any legal claim to live in a house they don’t own.

“The DiMera fortune, huh? Well, heaven forbid that my two sons would have to fend for themselves.” Stefano does have a point here. It’s not like Tony or EJ built the damn thing.
“I would like to speak to each of you one-on-one.” Talk about horrible exposition. Ugh!

“I am so disappointed in you, Elvis. Of all my children, you were the one that I felt closest to.” Years of intentional conditioning tend to do that.
“Really? That would probably explain why you kicked me out, then, eh?” He was mad, EJ.
“No. See, you have a choice, son. I would be a very happy man to have you here. But it would require certain concessions on your part.” Man, Stefano is rusty. Concessions? Dude, sell it as benefits! You get to be an unquestioning solider, and it’s totally awesome!
“Selling my soul to the devil? No, thank you.” Two days in Salem time, and we’ve gone from “Father” to this? This kind of instant reversal with absolutely no transition is why I can’t take you seriously, show. It’s damaging to EJ’s characterization when you don’t build up these sort of moments. It makes him look bi-polar. Sigh.
“Is that really the way you see me, Elvis? After everything I've done for you?” Blame the writing, Stefano. Blame the writing.
“Why not, hmm? I mean, look at you. You're this master of manipulation... just incessantly controlling my life, Tony's life. Well, I'm sorry. Legacy or no legacy, when I grow up, I don't want to be like you.”

I don’t want to grow up
I’m a Toys ‘R Us kid

This allusion better mean something or it’s a waste of a perfectly inventive shot.

“I want you to consider seriously about your future, eh? Imagine the three of us working together, like a magnificent triumvirate, huh? Because the possibilities are unlimited. Now, despite whatever you may think, I have worked very hard for everything that I have. And nothing would give me more pleasure than to be able to share the fruits of my labor-our labor-someday. cannot happen unless we have your unwavering loyalty.”
“By which he means we'll continue to be his little puppets.”

“When I was with Samantha, there's a part of me that felt like I was cheating on you. Strange, isn't it?” Not really. The show has to keep this “triangle” going somehow.


I do not like these frames for Sami. Ug-ly.

“Samantha, you're a wonderful mother.” EJ loves to complement Sami.
“I just don't want to lose her, EJ.” Of course not.

“Are we, uh-are we gonna talk about what happened in the stairwell?” And here EJ goes again. It’s reassurance time!
“I thought we already did.” Yes, you did. But not from his point of view.
“Samantha, a few words quickly exchanged immediately after the fact hardly constitutes a conversation.” It does between emotionally healthy adults, EJ, but you don’t qualify as one of them, do you?
“What are you talking about? We were open and honest with each other about our feelings.” Exactly. But that’s not enough for him. You get to talk about it again! Isn’t fulfilling EJ’s incessant emotional needs fun?
“Okay, but now that a little bit of time has passed, there's been a little bit of distance between it, I'm just gonna ask you again-do you regret it?” Because EJ needs to hear it again. He needs continual external emotional support which is why he brings this stuff up all the damn time.
“No.” Good. That’s what he needs to know. Don’t tweak when he asks you again either.

“Then I would force Lucas to choose between me and Allie, and I don't want to lose him.” Make him choose you, Chloe!

“Look, EJ, I like you a lot. And I think we could be really good together. But I'm losing my patience, so you better figure out what you want, and you better do it sooner rather than later.” Oh, I think he already knows, Nicole.

Of course joint custody isn’t acceptable. Lucas sucks.


Not that you ever had it to begin with, Days, I’m just saying.

I mean, thank goodness the show is starting to suck again. I was concerned after that great hospital storyline that Days might actually build on it or something. Instead we get the junior high lunchroom Ejole/Ejami/Lumi/Luloe mess, and the DiEmpire plotline reduced to wrist-slitting dialogue like “when I grow up, I don't want to be like you.” Nothing is getting resolved anywhere, and it’s horrifically boring on top of it. Talk about taking ineptitude to a new level. Soaps may move slow, but they move. This is the same crap that’s been going on since May! No wonder the ratings are already tanking again. And EJ, if being your father’s solider means you’re completely devoted to your Samantha while being your own man means you say sickly sweet nothings to Nicole, ruse or no ruse, well, perhaps Stefano was right after all.

The bottom line? We need Evil EJ back, and we need him right now.