Saturday, June 14, 2008

An Open Letter

TPTB, you had this entire summer/early fall Lumi and Ejole as Ejami obstacle couples thing worked out, and then the stupid audience screwed everything up by refusing to watch them. So now you’re scrambling to repair the damage before NBC has to shell out even more money to its advertisers as the number of promised viewer eyeballs drops ever lower. Lumi and Ejole must die, and Ejami must be put together, but how can it be done so quickly in any manner that makes sense and doesn’t reek of the hard direction change that it is?

No problem. I can hook you right up for free.

Carpe’s Top Ten Ways to Destroy Lumi/Ejole and Unite Ejami

10. Exploit Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: After all, what gets people to admit their true feelings better than looking into the stark face of death? Now, I know what you’re thinking. Carpe, we do not have the budget for one raptor, much less two. And to that I say, take a page from the best horror movies and don’t actually show the monsters. They can be dinosaurs, robots, robotic dinosaurs, whatever. All you need to show is Lucas, Sami, EJ, and Nicole hiding from and fighting against said invasion, and the rest will sort itself out as Lucas will fail to protect Sami, EJ will favor his Samantha over Nicole, and Sami will confess her love to EJ.

Time to implement: Three episodes-I’m thinking a Tuesday, Wednesday, and a Thursday.

9. Oops, we did it again or this time EJ gets to name the kid: Yeah, I know. Sami just had two babies, and they’re not even a year old yet. But, let’s face it, you’ve already SORASed both Johnny and Ali, so it’s not entirely out of the question. Moreover, there’s absolutely no doubt that the baby would be EJ’s, so Lucas would drop Sami like a hot potato and EJ would do the same to Nicole in order to focus on Sami and the unborn baby. Therefore, it’s very soon timewise, but it would still work well.

Time to implement: One to two weeks, depending on whether you want Lucas to pretend he could handle another DiMera child for a bit.

8. Lucas kidnaps Ali. It’s an organic outgrowth of Lucas desire to have “his daughter” to himself and befitting of his convicted felon status. This instantly severs EJ from Nicole as he would rush to Sami and Johnny’s side as soon as Sami calls for his help. Ejami would grow closer as they look for Ali, and both Lumi and Ejole would be dead in the water, especially after Ali is recovered and revealed to be EJ’s daughter.

Time to implement: I’m thinking a week. This is Lucas, after all. How far away could he possibly get?

7. Ali gets sick. Salem is not a good place to be if you’re a baby as Claire and Joey know, and there’s nothing like a child getting sick to force one of those clich├ęd bloodwork or DNA tests. Ali being EJ’s biologically ties Ejami together even more and removes Lucas’ excuse for sticking with Sami this time around. He’d leave her once and for all, and EJ would drop Nicole like a bad habit in order to be with his Samantha.

Time to implement: Three episodes. She gets sick, her blood DiMera status is revealed, and then she gets better.

6. Divine intervention. It doesn’t have to be via Colleen, and I’d actually prefer it not be as I am afeared of what would happen to me if I had to listen to that dialogue again, but sudden inspiration is a classic trope of fiction. Have Sami doze off, imagine her futures with both Lucas and EJ, wake up, and then run off to find EJ in order to bury herself in his arms.

Time to implement: Two episodes if you want to do it well by comparing and contrasting Lucas’ tasteless emotional and mental abuse of Sami to EJ’s glorious evil pampering of his tainted princess.

5. Lucas and Nicole were working together this entire time: I know, I know. It’s a retcon. But one that you can take anywhere you want. Lucas and Nicole were trying to break up Ejami out of spite? Sure. Ejami walks in on Lucas and Nicole having a one night stand? Okay. Lucas and Nicole are secret lovers and try to kill Ejami in order to steal their children because Nicole can’t have biological kids? Why not?

Time to implement: Totally dependent on how entwined you want Lucas and Nicole to be but most likely no longer than two weeks.

4. EJ and Sami were working together this entire time: Another retcon, but one that could be absolutely delicious. The idea is that Ejami is totally together emotionally but they’ve been playing Lucas and Nicole respectively in order to secure custody of Ali as they don’t know she is biologically EJ’s. Accordingly, there are plenty of secret trysts between EJ and Sami as they gleefully plan their subterfuge together and shots of them laughing about their pathetic victims.

Time to implement: This can be as short or as long as you want, depending on how much you want to drag out Lucas’ and Nicole’s torture.

3. It was all a dream! Hey, it worked for Dallas. Sami wakes up in the morning in her bed in the DiMansion and then joins EJ in the shower where she tells him all about how she had this weird nightmare about Lucas being out of prison and wanting to get back together with him.

Time to implement: One episode, and everything is instantly reset.

2. Overt Evil EJ. The man with a plan, always. Just have EJ get up on the wrong side of the bed one morning, skip shaving, and put on his all black suit, and you’re good to go. He’ll take his Samantha from Lucas and put Nicole in her place faster than you can say electroshock therapy.

Time to implement: One week. Not that he needs that much time, of course, but wouldn’t you like to really enjoy watching him work?

1. Fast forward or I don’t know what you’re talking about. The episode starts with Ejami together as a couple and goes from there. Explanation? We don’t need no stinking explanation.

Time to implement: One episode, and EJ and/or Sami can fill in the blanks with a few lines of exposition later. We don’t actually have to see Lumi and Ejole implode. I mean, Tanna got married off screen, so this should be a piece of cake.

So, come on, TPTB! Pick one or more of the above, and let’s turn this game around! And if you don’t like any of those ideas, there’s more where those came from. I haven’t even mentioned Officer Chuck yet.

Friday, June 13th, 2008

Oh, yippie, it’s the Pub again. At least EJ’s looking nice.
“I have found a way to force Victor’s hand.” A violent way, perhaps? Please?
“It’s not that I’ve forgotten-it’s that I’m not interested because of my feelings for Samantha.” Exactly, EJ. Nicole needs to move on.
“I really appreciate your honesty. I’ll keep it in mind.” Let’s not and say we did, shall we?
“I can trust you, right?” EJ, you’ve already said several times that you can’t!
“Pinky swear?” Oh, man. You know, I just don’t care anymore. You two amuse yourselves. I’ll be here daydreaming about Evil EJ pressing Nicole’s face into a hot waffle iron.

“Don’t mind me-this is all set up for Monday’s episode.”

Grade: D-. Ejole, you try my patience, you really do. Wake up, show! THIS IS BORING! And Summer EJ, you were almost too good today even when Nicole totally insulted you, Sami, and your house. This better be going somewhere.

Monday, June 9th, 2008

“You know, the kiss would be a lot better if you actually helped.” Oh, I wholeheartedly disagree, Nicole. He’s just not that into you.

You’d think EJ actually functioning as Nicole’s and Ava’s lawyer here would be more interesting but no such luck.

“If Philip offers you some of his cocaine, just remember that little chat we had about drugs two years ago.”

Grade: D. Misusing EJ like this is a waste of both his time and mine.