Saturday, January 26, 2008

Violently Happy

EJ opens his eyes and looks at the woman lying next to him, who has propped her head up in her hands waiting for him to wake up.

Sami (playfully): “You know, we are never going to do anything if we stay in bed all day.”

EJ (raising his eyebrow): “That assumes we want to do anything.”

Sami giggles as she moves and throws pillows at her husband.

Sami (laughing): “Silly! What can else we do in bed besides sleep?”

Clad in his blue race car pajamas, Evil Crazy EJ smiles at his Samantha, dressed in pink pajamas with lollipops on them.

Evil Crazy EJ (laughing too): “You’re right. You win, darling.”

Ready to start their day, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get out of their bed.

Evil Crazy EJ (playing with Samantha’s hair): “Do we want to get dressed? I don’t think we have to be anywhere.”

Samantha (considering): “No, we don’t have any formal plans today. Let’s stay in our pajamas. We can pretend we are having a sleepover at a fancy hotel!”

Evil Crazy EJ (lighting up): “That sounds like fun! What a great idea, Samantha!”

Samantha (pleased): “Thank you.”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing her on the top of her head): “You’re welcome. You have so many good ones.”

Samantha (annoyed): “That’s sweet of you to say, dear, but no one else thinks so. I wish that you didn’t have to restate what I’ve already said all the time. Evil EJ is the only one who attempts to listen to me, and even then he sometimes doesn’t understand.”

Evil Crazy EJ (apologetic): “I know, sweetheart, but as I’ve explained before, they’re not as enlightened as I am. They believe women should be seen and not heard, so a truly equal partnership like our marriage is strange to them. And Evil EJ does try, so you keeping trying too, okay?”

Samantha (acquiescing): “Okay.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha hold hands as they leave their room and enter the living room of the apartment. Evil EJ is standing behind the counter of the kitchenette while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha sit down on stools in front of it.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Good morning, Evil EJ! Samantha and I want waffles for breakfast!”

Evil EJ (holding back) “Good morning to you as well, and I thought you might. After all, it is what you two have for breakfast every morning.”

Possessing a keen understanding of their preferences and routine, Evil EJ sets two glasses of chocolate milk and two plates of waffles in front of Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha.

Samantha (digging in): “Evil EJ is so thoughtful. He always remembers that I like strawberry topping on mine.”

Evil Crazy EJ (enjoying his food): “Yes, Samantha, he knows that I like maple syrup too. Evil EJ is a very good cook. Much better than what we are able to do in the kitchen.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Actually, I thought your concept of substituting peanut butter for batter was rather ingenious. Pity the waffle iron did not share my opinion.”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking around as he eats): “Where is everyone else?”

Evil EJ (idly): “I believe Gray EJ is sleeping in because he stayed up late gathering our income tax information, and Hero EJ left early to do whatever it is that he does.”

Samantha (counting): “Me plus you plus Evil EJ plus Gray EJ plus Hero EJ leaves one EJ. One EJ is missing!”

Evil Crazy EJ (innocently): “What about Good EJ?”

Suddenly Evil EJ’s expression darkens, and he doesn’t answer.

Samantha (excited): “Maybe Good EJ went to the circus!”

Evil Crazy EJ (amazed): “You are full of fantastic ideas today, Samantha! I never would have considered that. Did Good EJ go to the circus, Evil EJ?”

Evil EJ’s eyes blaze intensely as he suddenly slams his fist down on the counter.

Evil EJ (seething loudly as he points): “Hardly! That testament to pure incompetence is with her right now! As if that’s the way it’s supposed to be! As if she belongs to him! He is with my Sama-”

Abruptly realizing how he sounds, Evil EJ cuts himself off and looks down for a moment before softly continuing.

Evil EJ (discontented): “Good EJ is busy. So it’s only me, I’m afraid.”

Evil Crazy EJ (unconcerned about Evil EJ’s outburst): “That’s okay. Samantha and I like you best anyway.”

Samantha (nudging Evil Crazy EJ as she finishes): “Yes, we do. Ask him if he wants to join us.”

Evil Crazy EJ (drinking the last of his milk): “Evil EJ, do you want to color with us? We will give you the crayons, and Samantha and I can use the markers. We think we have them figured out this time so there won’t be another incident. Samantha is still sorry about the wall.”

Samantha (nodding): “I didn’t mean to draw on it. My hand slipped after I taped my picture up when I still had to draw the rest of the pony.”

Evil EJ (declining politely): “Thank you for the offer, but you two go ahead.”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying again): “If you don’t want to color, you can still drink your orange juice and read the paper out here with us.”

Evil EJ (quietly): “No, I wouldn’t want to interrupt. You newlyweds have fun. I’ll be in my room if you need me before lunch.”

After Evil EJ leaves, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha discuss the situation as they color at the coffee table in the living room.

Samantha (frowning): “He’s trying to hide it, but Evil EJ is sad.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, I haven’t seen him this depressed since he was shot. I wonder what is bothering him so much. It takes a lot to hurt him.”

Samantha (wondering): “I don’t know, but we need to cheer him up somehow.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Excellent idea, darling! Now, how to do that…hmm…”

Samantha (asking): “When was Evil EJ happiest?”

Evil Crazy EJ (tilting his head): “A simple enough question to answer. Evil EJ was happiest when he was in charge before Good EJ showed up. He likes that so much because he’s smart, like how we like coloring a lot because we’re creative.”

Samantha (smirking): “Well, why don’t we just kill Good EJ then? With him gone, Evil EJ will be in control again.”

Evil Crazy EJ (sighing): “I wish we could, Samantha, I wish we could. He’s so mean to Evil EJ, always getting glitter on him and making him watch House Hunters. But you remember how Evil EJ explained to us that we can’t hurt the other EJs. Without every single EJ that exists, our entire personality will collapse.”

Samantha (shrugging): “Oh, I’m sorry, honey. I completely forgot. But just because we can’t kill him, doesn’t mean we can’t do anything at all.”

Evil Crazy EJ (thinking): “Good point. What do you propose?”

Samantha (smiling): “You will love it!”

Samantha leans over and whispers her idea in Evil Crazy EJ’s ear.

Evil Crazy EJ (with awe in his voice): “You never fail to surprise me. What a plan! We have to show Evil EJ. Let’s diagram it for him.”

When they are finished drawing their attack plan, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha go over to Evil EJ’s room and knock on his door.

Evil EJ (from inside): “Come in.”

With his favorite instruments of pain decorating the black walls of his room, Evil EJ is sitting at his desk multitasking on numerous projects, surrounded by his laptop, The Wall Street Journal, blueprints, and various other business documents and accessories.

Evil EJ (looking up from his work): “Yes? Is the DVD player skipping again?”

Evil Crazy EJ (directly as they enter): “No, we want to talk to you about something else. Evil EJ, Samantha and I want you to be happy. We think you should be in control again, so we came up with a plan to deal with Good EJ.”

Evil EJ (intrigued): “Did you now?”

Samantha (nodding): “Yes, we did. Show him our idea, dear.”

Evil Crazy EJ (handing the attack plan to Evil EJ): “Here it is.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha wait expectantly as Evil EJ examines the document.

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “You said we can’t kill Good EJ, so Samantha and I will put in him in a cage so you can be in charge again. We will make it pink because he likes girly stuff. The cereal is so he doesn’t die, and we decided to give him a friend so he isn’t lonely.”

Evil EJ is silent as he stares at the drawing.

Samantha (concerned): “He’s not saying anything. Is there something wrong with it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Do you like it?”

The corner of Evil EJ’s mouth turns up as he looks over at Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha.

Evil EJ (genuinely touched): “How could I not? It’s brilliant. Such an inventive pair you are.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha both grin in delight at the compliment.

Evil Crazy EJ (glad): “Samantha and I wanted to help.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Of course you did. I must say, this idea of yours will dovetail with my plans nicely. So we’ll use your strategy after we have Good EJ in custody, and I’ll figure out how to get him there, eh?”

Samantha (agreeing): “That sounds fine to me, honey.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Samantha and I agree. So when are you going to capture him?”

Evil EJ (relaxing): “Well, I have a lot of preparation to do beforehand, and I need to wait for the right opportunity. I also have to get the other two EJs on board.”

Samantha (considering): “That seems difficult. They like Good EJ for some reason. Why would they go along with this?”

Evil Crazy EJ (wondering): “Samantha wants to know how you are planning to do that. You don’t like Hero EJ, and Gray EJ only agrees with you half of the time.”

Evil EJ (waving his hand dismissively): “Gray EJ isn’t a problem. As long as I convince him that what I am doing is necessary for the collective good of our psyche as a whole, he’ll do whatever needs to be done. He’s quite reasonable, after all. And as for Hero EJ, I just have to force him to make a Faustian bargain.”

Samantha (puzzled): “A what?”

Evil Crazy EJ (just as confused): “Samantha would like to know what that is.”

Evil EJ (simplifying): “I will put Hero EJ in a situation where he will favor the present circumstances over the future consequences.”

Evil Crazy EJ (still confused): “How are you going to do that?”

Evil EJ (thinking about his Samantha): “I have several ideas. But that’s for me to worry about.”

Evil EJ sets the attack plan down on his desk in a prized position separate from all his other papers and turns back towards Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha.

Evil EJ (sincerely as he gestures): “I am extremely fortunate to have you on my side. You and Samantha have already contributed more than I could have asked from you. Thank you.”

Samantha (glowing): “You’re welcome!”

Evil Crazy EJ (beaming): “Samantha and I are so glad we could help! Please let us know if we can help with anything else.”

Evil EJ (truthfully): “I will.”

Samantha (prodding): “Ask him if he wants to watch TV with us later when we are done coloring.”

Evil Crazy EJ (obeying): “Samantha wants to know if you will take a break from your planning in a while and watch Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends with us.”

Evil EJ (laughing): “Of course I will. Bloo and I have a lot in common.”

Samantha (tugging on Evil Crazy EJ’s sleeve): “Go camping too?”

Evil Crazy EJ (hesitant): “We know you are very busy being evil, but Samantha wants to know if you will set up the tent in our room and go camping with us.”

Evil EJ (considering as he folds his arms across his chest): “I would, but plans don’t design and execute themselves.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleading): “Please? Samantha and I very much enjoyed the story of how the cunning hookman triumphed over the stupid, annoying teenagers. And we haven’t said anything about you playing with us to anyone!”

Samantha (pumping her fist in the air): “Yes! It’s our secret!”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking at his wife): “Yes, Samantha! We tell no one that Evil EJ likes pretending as much as we do!”

Evil EJ (wryly): “I wouldn’t go that far, but, yes, I do enjoy spending time with you and Samantha. So how about for a little while after lunch?”

Samantha (nodding): “Okay!”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, we will let you finish your nefarious deeds first.”

Evil EJ (grinning in spite of himself): “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

Satisfied that they have accomplished their mission, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha leave Evil EJ’s room and return to their coloring in the living room.

Samantha (thrilled): “I’m so happy we were able to help him out and make him feel better. He’s such a great friend to us.”

Evil Crazy EJ (equally thrilled): “Yes, and it was all your idea.”

Samantha (blushing): “You’re too kind. I couldn’t have done it without you, sugarbear. I never would have thought of the bunny.”

Evil Crazy EJ (insistent): ‘Yes, you would have. You’re amazing, Samantha. You’re the smartest, prettiest wife a man could ask for.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha hug each other.

Samantha (looking up at her husband): “I love you, EJ.”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking down at his wife): “I love you too, Samantha.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha kiss and lock eyes with one another.

Evil Crazy EJ (openly): “I am the luckiest man in the entire world to have you by my side.”

Samantha (slyly): “And I won’t let you forget it.”

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008

“And I better take the twins to see the doctor and the beautician and-”
“Sami, what part of ‘hiding from my evil criminal mastermind father’ don’t you understand?”

“Yes, me zipping up a suitcase is the highlight of the episode. What do you expect before sweeps?”

“Oh, don’t worry, Lucas. The show isn’t interesting over here either.”

“And you chose a nice wallpaper for your computer, and you’re good at parallel parking and…”

“Lucas is sharing a cell with STEFANO DIMERA!”
“You keep saying that name as if I am supposed to have some sort of horrified reaction to it when the man is my freaking father Maybe the extra emphasis would work if he was a vampire, but as is, knock it off.”

The Grade: Textbook filler. Remove this, and you’ve lost no plot advancement or character development. And no, the suitcase wasn’t cute enough to make up for that C-.

Monday, January 21st, 2008

“You’ve done nothing to earn my trust, EJ. All those times you saved me from certain death in Carpe’s ‘EJ Is Heroic’ montage? Faked, just like the moon landings.”


“The first rule of gun safety is never aim at anything that you don’t intend to shoot. So prepare to meet your maker, door. You’ve prevented me from interrupting Lumi even more than I already have one too many times.”

“My keen DiMera instincts tell me that it’s totally safe to open this because it isn’t a bomb or laced with anthrax or anything”

“Once a DiMera, always a DiMera. Speaking of which, Lexie says hi.”

“Sami, let’s talk about EJ in the third person even though he’s standing right next to us and can hear everything we’re saying.”
“Okay. Good thing he isn’t a sociopath because otherwise having him silently observe us would be a really bad idea.”

The Grade: I liked EJ taking the power position while still listening to Sami, and there’s few things hotter than a man with a firearm, but this totally nosedived after Abe showed up. Pre-Abe, B. Post-Abe, C-.