Sunday, October 19, 2008

Local Salem Commercial Break

With apologies to Steve Englehart

I’m Evil EJ, and I approve this message.

Hello, ignorant maggots. Are you feeling as patriotic as I am? Yes, it’s only a few weeks until Election Day, but I’ve suddenly heard the call to serve you lesser minds. Accordingly, I’ve decided to throw my proverbial hat into the ring, and unveil to you, the idiotic public, my presidential campaign.

Simple. Elegant. No nuances, lockboxes, or complex platform positions to remember. You either vote for me, or you’ll no longer stay above room temperature. So if you want to keep breathing, I’ll have your complete and absolute support.

But even with that ultimatum, perhaps you’re unsure. Maybe you believe I won’t actually murder you in your sleep because other politicians have failed you in the past. Fear not. As I am a man of my word, I vow to terminate you with extreme prejudice if you do not vote for me through one of the following: strangulation, asphyxiation, shooting, puncture or shearing wounds, fire, liquid nitrogen, electrocution, illegal or legal drugs, biotoxins, wild animals, blunt force trauma, or a random exotic method of my choice such as drowning you in an industrial vat of hot chocolate.

And if you believe that I won’t find out that you didn’t back me as voting is supposedly private, oh, I’ll know. My crack staff of willing election minions on an unlimited payroll will secretly investigate every single ballot and trace them back to the appropriate citizen. Rest assured that if I find out you voted against me, you’ll be below ground before you can remove the election sign of one of my competitors off your front lawn.

Or perhaps you’ve already decided to join the winning team, but you’d like to know what will I do when I’m inducted into office. Ah, what won’t I do? Assassinate Lucas? Mandatory all black suit Fridays? Rename September to Samanther? Upon my coronation, you will be the willing subject of a depraved new world order, one that will eventually transform the entire world into the evil empire that it should be. Furthermore, it makes no difference that I’m younger than thirty-five as that will be one of my first changes to the Constitution along with exercising that whole term limits clause and having free elections every four years. And don’t even think about stopping me through the Supreme Court or the U.N. as my first hundred days will guarantee my benevolent, unending rule with an iron fist.

So forget these other two jokers, and choose evil on Election Day. After all, your continued existence depends on it.

Because it’s not about what I can do for you, but rather what I can do to you, isn’t it, sunshine?