Because FAO Schwartz Is Overpriced

Evil Crazy EJ, Samantha, and Gray EJ are in the toy section looking through the Barbie doll clothing.

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Samantha doesn’t like that one. She says it’s too 80s.”

Gray EJ (in over his head): “How could something made in 2007 be too 80s?”

Evil Crazy EJ (just as confused): “I don’t know, but she doesn’t want it.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (a tad annoyed): “That’s not fair, Samantha. You can’t blame us for not being interested in the intricacies of the world of fashion.”

Gray EJ (losing his patience): “We’ve been looking for over 45 minutes. Can’t she just pick one?”

Evil Crazy EJ (out of his hands): “Samantha says that if you didn’t want to take her shopping, you should not have made fun of her husband by calling him a delusional idiot.”

Gray EJ (apologetic): “I said I was sorry, and I am. But there’s only so many possible choices here. She has to like one of these for her Boxing Day dress.”

Evil Crazy EJ (empathizing): “Look, I understand Samantha here can be a bit difficult. But she’ll know it when she sees it, all right? Just keep looking.”

Gray EJ (resigned to his fate): “Fine.”

Gray EJ (under his breath): “Spending the bloody weekend before Christmas shopping for a new outfit…what a waste…”

Evil Crazy EJ (still nice): “Samantha also says that she can still hear you.”

Meanwhile, Good EJ and Evil EJ are talking over coffee in the food court.

Good EJ (happy as he looks around at all the decorations): “I’m glad we decided to come here instead. I love this time of year. Celebrating Jesus’ birthday, embracing the fact that we are God’s children, extending goodwill to all men…”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “It really is the most wonderful time of the year, isn’t it?”

Good EJ (completely surprised): “You like Christmas?!”

Evil EJ (indignant): “Of course I like Christmas. The Christmas decorations that start appearing before Halloween, the crass commercialism of Black Friday and Green Monday, those stories in the paper shrieking that our economy will collapse if everyone doesn’t spend all their money on useless junk, the awful fighting between in-laws…how I could I not like it?”

Good EJ (letting it be): “Well, our reasoning may differ, but the end result is the same. Yes, Christmas is the best holiday. So what I was saying before I got distracted?”

Evil EJ (sipping his coffee as he insults): “Yes, those shiny decorations are so hard to ignore.”

Evil EJ (correcting): “You were stupidly trying to comfort me about losing my number one slot. It is in your nature, I suppose, and seeing as this is the season of giving, I will allow you to do so without violent recrimination.”

Good EJ (nodding): “Ah, yes. Thank you. As I was saying, it doesn’t have to be that bad. You can come out all the time when we fight Stefano.”

Evil EJ (mocking): “Oooh, son versus father in the ultimate grudge match. That’s never been done before.”

Good EJ (stating the obvious): “I know it’s not what you want, but it’s better than nothing.”

Evil EJ (admitting): “True. But it’s just not the same, you know? Never again will I get to be the full time public face of Elvis Junior DiMera.”

Good EJ (encouraging): “But you can get a lot of mileage out of even brief appearances. Hero EJ certainly does.”

Evil EJ (eyeing him): “You would bring up that selfish jerk, wouldn’t you?”

Good EJ (hurt): “He seems nice to me. Where is he, anyway?”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Oh, he comes and goes as he pleases. Thinks it makes him all unpredictable and mysterious when it just demonstrates what a coward he really is.”

Hero EJ (suddenly sitting down at the table): “That’s rich coming from a man who spends his life in the shadows, watching and waiting for any signs of weakness before he strikes.”

Evil EJ (snotty): “Ah, there you are, Hero EJ. Always with the infuriatingly perfect timing. But this is a private party, and I don’t remember inviting you to our little celebration.”

Hero EJ (answering back): “Yet I have to meet the new guy sometime, don’t I? Even if he’s not exactly entirely new.”

Hero EJ (offering his hand): “I’m Hero EJ. If you need Samantha saved, I’m the man for the job, so I imagine you and I will be working as closely together as he and I did.”

Good EJ (shaking his hand in surprise): “You two worked together?”

Evil EJ (annoyed): “How slow are you? Do you even watch the show? How else would we manage to save Samantha from more than seven different death traps? Magic?”

Hero EJ (nodding): “It was an uneasy partnership to say the least, but our unconditional love of Samantha is something all of us EJs can agree on.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Our beloved Samantha unites us and bonds us in a way that can never be broken.”

Gray EJ (snapping from across the store): “SHE CAN’T SAY SHE DOESN’T LIKE IT! SHE’S JUST A PLASTIC DOLL, DAMN IT! SHE’S NOT REAL!!!”

Alarmed, Hero EJ and Evil EJ exchange glances and rise together as Good EJ looks on in confusion.

Hero EJ (blaming Evil EJ): “This is all your fault. You should have been there supervising. Gray EJ’s never done this before.”

Evil EJ (tersely): “I thought he was ready for it. Apparently I was grossly mistaken.”

Good EJ (not understanding): “There’s nothing to be concerned about. She’s real to him. He’s not going to believe otherwise, no matter what anyone says.”

Hero EJ and Evil EJ look at Good EJ incredulously before they run off to intervene.

Evil EJ (yelling back): “It’s not him we’re worried about, you ignorant cretin!”

Good EJ (not understanding): “What? The only way that would make sense would be-”

Evil Crazy EJ (darkly and loud enough that the entire store hears him): “You insult my wife like that again, and I will make a jump rope out of your intestines. Now, what was that you were saying about her?”

Gray EJ’s horrified screams suddenly echo out throughout the building.

Good EJ (realization dawning as he gets up in order to join them): “Ah. Now I understand. Evil Crazy EJ.”
Back in the toy section, Gray EJ learns his lesson at the hands of Evil Crazy EJ..

Gray EJ (in agony): “I WAS SAYING SAMANTHA IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND HOW LUCKY I AM THAT SHE CHOOSES TO GRACE ME WITH HER PRESENCE.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “There, that wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

Samantha: “…..”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, he should complement you more often, darling.”

Hero EJ and Evil EJ come upon Evil Crazy EJ stroking Samantha’s hair while Gray EJ lies on the floor in a pool of blood.

Evil EJ (too worried): “We heard the screaming. Are you all right?”

Gray EJ (shaken): “I’ll be fine. It looks a lot worse than it is. You know how even minor head wounds bleed a lot.”

Hero EJ (evaluating): “He’s right. I can fix that up easily.”

Gray EJ (pale): “I tried…I tried…I just couldn’t stand…Oh, I’m so sorry.”

Hero EJ (forgiving): “We know. Don’t worry about it.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “I’m sorry I put you in this position. I’ll come along next time.”

Hero EJ (pulling Gray EJ to his feet and supporting his weight): “Let’s go get you cleaned up, eh?”

Hero EJ helps Gray EJ to the bathroom as Evil EJ takes Evil Crazy EJ’s arm as Good EJ comes upon the scene.

Evil EJ (patiently) “Evil Crazy EJ, what did I tell you about hurting the others?”

Evil Crazy EJ (blamelessly): “It’s all his fault! He made fun of Samantha! I had to defend her honor. She’s my wife.”

Evil EJ (prodding) “Yes, I know that, but what did I actually say?”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking down): “That…that even though they are all spineless wimps, we can’t skin them alive in their sleep because we need them as tools in order to keep us on the show.”

Evil EJ (satisfied): “That’s right. So when Hero EJ and Gray EJ come back, I want you to apologize to him, okay?”

Evil Crazy EJ (begrudging): “Okay. I do admit that Samantha could have been nicer to him. She’s been curt today. Too little sleep, I think.”

Evil EJ (pleased): “Good boy.”

Good EJ watches agape as Evil EJ hugs Evil Crazy EJ.

Evil EJ (encouraging as he pulls away): “Now, given the prior incident, Samantha is going to have plenty of time to decide on what dress she wants. Why don’t you two start looking again?

Evil Crazy EJ (looking down at his Samantha doll): “Excellent idea. I think she’s got it narrowed down to five. Let’s look at that red one again, shall we, sweetheart?”

Samantha: “…..”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha examine the Barbie clothing while Evil EJ turns to Good EJ.

Good EJ (astonished): “I don’t understand. You’re suffering incarnate, yet you treat him like your little brother?”

Evil EJ (explaining as he folds his arms across his chest): “For all intents and purposes, he is my younger brother. He’s me with the rationality replaced with insanity. I cannot help but feel kinship with him. Besides, none of this is his fault. He’s psychotic. He really thinks that doll is Samantha.”

Good EJ (shaking his head): “Evil EJ showing compassion. Now I’ve seen everything.”

Evil EJ (getting annoyed): “You’ll be on the receiving end of something else if you don’t shut up about it.”

Good EJ (catching on): “Oh, I don’t think so. Sure, you wish you could be in charge of us, but you’re glad you’re no longer alone, aren’t you?”

Evil EJ (vehemently denying): “Hardly. What I’m really glad about is that after hearing so much about you, I’ll finally have the opportunity to put your head on a pike.”

Good EJ (cheerily unconcerned): “Merry Christmas to you, too.”