Ah, summertime, and you know what that means, sweetheart. After all, as the temperature rises, so does the crime rate, and neither your minions nor your victims intimidate themselves, do they?
Yet strangling someone effectively can be an intimidating endeavor. You may think that you don’t have the upper body strength to effectively choke someone. Or you may believe it would take years to hone the proper technique. Say no more. Between freeing hardened criminals, running my own criminal empire and Used Vehicle Emporium, manipulating my other four personalities, taking care of the twins, and controlling my beloved Samantha, I, Evil EJ, am pressed for time as well. That’s why I’ve consolidated my throttling moves into a simple routine that I share with you in my new exercise DVD Strangling with Style. For only $19.95, you too can learn how to consistently choke people in a mere fifteen minutes a day three times a week. Forget worrying about individual muscle groups, darling, and follow my step by step instructions as my patented exercises combine to give you a full upper body workout. In no time at all you’ll always be prepared when the opportunity to crush a windpipe presents itself.
Act now, and I’ll also throw in my Subtle Stalking DVD at no additional charge. You’ll learn how to appear to be innocuously watching your wife when in actuality you’re ensuring that the object of your obsession doesn’t do anything without your knowledge and that you don’t wholeheartedly approve.
So take charge of your subjects today and pick up a copy of Strangling with Style at a local retailer near you, online, or stop by my Used Vehicle Emporium at the corner of County Road E and Highway 65. Strangling with Style. Because sometimes a man needs to choke a witch.
Again courtesy of Soap Opera Digest. I really do like this photo even if it's all golden couple with the gold background, Ejami looking like they came back from Sunday brunch, and EJ's face lightly touching Sami's.
I find this photo kinda unnerving, actually. I just cannot imagine Lucas, Sami, and EJ nicely standing there like that without some severe head injuries involved.
“You must be crazy.” “Only for you.” Awwww. And Sami, EJ does like your chest, but you don’t have to show it off to him that much.
“You can have the apple slices if you like.” Apparently she does. And preschool when the kids aren’t even a year old yet? Someone’s reaching.
“You know that there is nothing that I wouldn't do to help you.” I know. That’s why you’re Evil EJ. Nothing gets in your way. “I don't care what kind of relationship we have, but you don't need to do this anymore. You don't have to stand there and pretend to be this person. Just come here. Come here. Come here. It's okay.” Oh, I love Ejami hugging! And encouraging Sami to be her evil self and command after command. You really are a mastermind.
Yes, I know, EJ. Your Samantha is very frustrating sometimes.
“I hate girls who cry all the time.” “You don't cry all the time, darling. Some of the time you're angry.” A joke! Thank you!
“Samantha, you do have control of your own life. It's just other people's lives that you can't be expected to control. Not like I do, anyway.”
“Now, where do we go from here?” “If you really don't want me in your life, you need to let me know because at the moment, I'm getting some really mixed signals.” “Do you have feelings for me? Do you have any feelings for me at all?” Dude, you are relentless. Keep knocking at the door. “But if you want me to stop having any kind of relationship with Nicole that is not strictly professional, I will do that. You just have to give me a reason to do it. Just something.” I love how EJ makes deals with Sami all the time. Quid pro quo is so sexy.
“What are you going to do about it?” Man, Evil EJ really needs to run an empowerment seminar. Sami thinks she has control over her own life…even though he’s pulling the strings.
My favorite part and just like back in 2006. Touching heads like this is such a sweet gesture. EJ is so attached to his Samantha.
I also love Ejami kissing! And no slurping, just loving.
Grade: A-. The only way this would have been better would have been if it was longer. EJ is entwining himself around Sami, and Sami is letting her love for him out. Go Ejami!
“Everything is perfect. I live in this great house. I have these two healthy, happy, sleeping children, and what could I possibly have to complain about?” And you’re married to EJ! It’s totally awesome!
“I assume you are referring to Master Elvis.” Still don’t like you, Rolf, but nice to see you’re on the “Let’s call EJ Elvis” bandwagon. See who else you can convince.
“I can't get over the feeling that I'm cheating on Samantha.” Aw, you love her so much! *sigh*
“I should just ignore all of my emotions.” “Well, with the exception of the one emotion which will never steer you wrong-fear. It is the most effective survival technique to which one must always succumb.” Yeah, Sami, keep leaving the twins with the evil doctor here; nothing bad could possibly come of it.
“I'm the victim here, all right? And the sooner I can remind Samantha of that, the better.” Hehehe. Oh, this is going to be glorious, isn’t it, Evil EJ?
“Well, you wait right here. We'll continue this little tête-à-tête when I get back.” Oh, so commanding. I love it when EJ orders. “Samantha, I have absolutely nothing to gain by lying to you. And by nothing, I mean everything.” “As a matter of fact, Samantha, it is out of the goodness of my heart.” Oh, no, it’s not. “And I'm an American gladiator.” If you’re going to plug, NBC, do it a tad bit less obviously.
“Whether you want to believe it or not, I really want you to be happy.” With you, you mean. And where have I seen that evil brown hoodie before?
“I made love to you that night because of the way that I felt about you, and at the time, I really-I-I thought that you felt the same way.” “And I was so embarrassed and humiliated by that, by how disgusted you were with me, that I took all my anger and I brought it all against you.” These are the only two lines I liked out of this whole conversation. Ali and especially James did a great job with the material, but I simply don’t care. Seriously, I’ve been over the deal since February 2007. It was an adult trade, and they both got what they wanted.
“I told her that I loved you.” Of course you did! “You've done a lot of good things, as you pointed out” Um, like what, Sami? EJ only does ‘good’ in order to raise your opinion of him, not because he’s a good man. “You were willing to help Lucas come back.” Only in order to wean you off him and realize your love for EJ.
“I'm not doing anything. She's the one who's chasing me.” “It's relevant because I can't stop her from turning up wherever she wants to, okay?” “I can't control what she does, okay? If she wants to have a crush on me...” Well, you could stop calling Nicole and leading her on, but that doesn’t exactly fit with your evil plan to entrap your Samantha, does it?
“How is that a problem, Samantha? We're married.” Exactly, EJ. I don’t see any problem here. “What is wrong with me?” If this is wrong, Sami, you don’t want to be right.
Grade: B+. I had to take off some for the deal discussion, but EJ reminding Nicole that he only loves Sami and Ejami kissing was fanastic. Evil EJ’s plan to ensnare his Samantha is progressing nicely.
“Who made you the morality police?” Ah, TPTB you slay me.
Tall glass of water indeed. I see that Days has remembered it is a soap, and yes, this is what I want to see. Now get going on that shower scene.
Aw, it was so sweet of EJ to help Bru Bru with her work out.
“Would you like to come down and make Samantha jealous-I mean, run some laps with me?”
Hmmm. Better than Ejate, worse than Ejami. Moreover, not only was there this strange pause before Nicole and EJ kissed each other, and by strange I mean strange, not normal pre-kiss awkwardness. I also definitely heard slurping. Yuck.
“You’re a beautiful woman, but I love Samantha.” Of course you do, EJ. “Who said anything about love?” And you’d know as Louis Vuitton doesn’t accept that.
Grade: *shrugs* C. EJ was hot, but I need more than that, and EJ with Nicole, well, there ain’t no there there. Watchable, but no passion or chemistry.