Sunday, September 21, 2008

Surrender Unto Me

Having assisted Samantha in putting the twins to bed, Gray EJ searches one of the lower levels of the DiMansion basement for the other EJs. Turning the corner around one of the passageways, he enters a much larger room only to be completely astonished by what he finds.

Gray EJ (shocked): “What in the…”

As he enters the freshly constructed stadium, Gray EJ sees that a wresting ring has been set up in the center of the arena with a steel cage enclosing it. A safe distance away, several comfortable red velvet chairs have been lined up for the optimal viewing experience. Evil EJ is seated in one of them in with Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll in another. Evil EJ is wearing his customary all black suit while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha are dressed in matching cheerleading outfits.

Evil Crazy EJ (waving): “Hi, Gray EJ! We were waiting for you! Samantha said we couldn’t start without you!”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, we were wondering when you were going to show up. You’d think you’d understand the importance of following Samantha’s lead with the children by now.”

Gray EJ looks around in horror for several moments.

Gray EJ (wincing): “Do I even want to know what’s going on here?”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “It is the main event! Stupid Pansy EJ versus Fake Dallas EJ in the ultimate grudge match!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, sweetheart, with the steel cage in place there is no leaving the squared circle until a winner is declared!”

Gray EJ (incredulously): “What?”

Evil EJ (easily): “Since they’ve been getting the vast majority of our screentime as of late, Good EJ and Dallas EJ clearly need to work some things out in order for our characterization to have any hope of recovery, and what better way than mortal combat? Why leave bread and circuses only to the commoners, I say.”

Gray EJ looks inside of the cage to see both Good EJ and Dallas EJ standing on opposite sides of the ring. Unable to pull himself away from the spectacle, Gray EJ walks over to Evil EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha.

Gray EJ (uncomfortably surveying the scene): “You know, you really have reached a new level of depravity here.”

Evil EJ (taking it as a complement): “One should always endeavor to challenge one’s self.”

Gray EJ (taking a seat next to Evil EJ): “And it doesn’t bother you a bit that this is the equivalent of Belgium having a war with Luxembourg.”

Evil EJ (indignantly): “How else am I supposed to entertain myself? Watch the show?”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look at each other silently for several moments before both of them burst into laughter.

Gray EJ (wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye): “Watch the show…you almost had me going there for a minute. Good one.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Indeed. I would think elective open heart surgery would be more fulfilling at this point, spoilers or no.”

Dallas EJ (hearing the insult from within the enclosure): “I’ll have you know that the love story between me and Nicole could not be more compelling.”

Good EJ (making a face from his half of the ring): “Try vomit inducing. It’s disgusting! No one wants to see her anywhere near us or cutting into our screentime with Samantha.”

Gray EJ (considering): “How’d you get them both in the cage anyway?”

Hero EJ (explaining): “Well, it was a team effort.”

Making his usual sudden entrance, Hero EJ hands out the refreshments and snacks that he had nicely agreed to get from the kitchen.

Evil Crazy EJ (taking their soft drinks): “Thank you, Hero EJ!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (sharing his popcorn with his wife): “Yes, we helped too! Samantha is an expert markswoman with tranquilizer guns!”

Gray EJ (accepting the energy drink Hero EJ anticipated he would want): “You approve of this?!”

Hero EJ (surprised at his surprise): “Why wouldn’t I? It’s one of the modern day equivalents of jousting.”

Evil EJ (taking the glass of wine that he had requested): “Which means it’s the perfect excuse for Hero EJ here to indulge his inner bloodlust.”

Hero EJ (sitting down and taking a sip of his vitamin water): “No, I appreciate the chance to see Good EJ show Dallas EJ that being good doesn’t mean being disrespectful.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Sure you do. And before I forget, let me warn you that the chink in your shining armor is showing.”

The overhead lights dim slightly as Robo EJ, dressed in a referee outfit, enters the cage and moves to the center of the ring in order to begin the match.

Robo EJ (mechanical voice): “GENTLEMEN…”

Evil Crazy EJ (interrupting): “Dumb robot! Samantha is here too!”

Robo EJ (error correcting): “LADY AND GENTLEMEN…READY TO RUMBLE?”

Hero EJ (firmly): “Yes.”

Evil EJ (shrugging): “I suppose.”

Evil Crazy EJ (jumping up and down): “Robo EJ! Samantha and I are ready to rumble!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (screaming at his wife’s request): “YOUR LUCK HAS RUN OUT!!!”

Seeing the level of interest disparity between Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha and Hero EJ and Evil EJ, Gray EJ snickers.

Gray EJ (patronizingly to Evil EJ): “What, no fist pump?”

Evil EJ (calmly enjoying his drink): “No need. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha have more than enough enthusiasm for all of us.”

Robo EJ (gesturing to one side): “THIS CORNER…GOOD EJ WHO LIKE SAMANTHA!”

Good EJ (annoyed): “No, I love Samantha! She’s our soulmate!”

Hero EJ (encouragingly): “Make me proud, seraph!”

Gray EJ (loudly): “You can do it, Good EJ!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “It’s time to get your hands dirty, sunshine.”

Samantha: “…”

In order to better hear her, Evil Crazy EJ leans down towards his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (relaying his wife’s instructions): “Listen to Samantha, Stupid Pansy EJ! We want you to win! Rip Fake Dallas EJ’s face off, and wear it as your own for your trophy!”

Robo EJ (gesturing to the other side): “THIS CORNER…DALLAS EJ WHO LIKE NICOLE!”

Dallas EJ (haughty): “Actually, it’s much more than that. I care for her very much.”

Gray EJ (annoyed to Hero EJ): “Which makes absolutely no sense given our characterization up to this point. This unbelievable triangle has to be one of the most imbecilic decisions Days has ever made.”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “It’s a genuine travesty.”

Evil Crazy EJ (jointly with his wife): “Boooooooo! You suck, not real EJ!”

Evil EJ (pretending to cough): “Racist.”

Aghast at the accusation about Dallas EJ, Hero EJ and Gray EJ look at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (mock innocently): “What? It’s all over the internet.”

Robo EJ (moving backward): “FIGHT UNTIL ONE WINS! FIGHT!”

Robo EJ leaves the cage and locks the door behind him before either Good EJ or Dallas EJ can follow him.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Those were some rather vague instructions. What constitutes winning?”

Hero EJ (unclear himself): “I don’t know. Robo EJ’s language skills are quite limited.”

Evil EJ (dismissively): “It was a waste of CPU cycles to add anything even slightly complicated. How many different ways does he need to lie to Nicole?”

Inside the cage, Good EJ and Dallas EJ eye each other warily.

Good EJ (nervously): “Um, so, ah…how are you today, Dallas EJ?”

Dallas EJ (eyeing the steel enclosure): “How trite. But if you all insist on being little children, I suppose I can indulge you.”

Good EJ (guardedly): “Okay. How about you drop Nicole, and we both walk out of here?”

Dallas EJ (snotty): “The woman who should be dropped is that loser Samantha. And how about I punch you in the face?”

Dallas EJ moves over to Good EJ and hits him with a badly aimed right hook. Good EJ screams at the impact, his high pitched voice echoing throughout the stadium.

Good EJ (like a little girl): “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Evil Crazy EJ (loudly): “Stupid Pansy EJ! Samantha believes in you!”

Good EJ barely manages to block Dallas EJ’s poor attempt at an uppercut.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (angrily): “She also says that she will use your ribcage as a xylophone if she loses the five dollars that she bet on you winning!”

Good EJ (unable to deal with the pressure): “What? No! No more torture from you two!”

Panic overtaking him, Good EJ runs away from Dallas EJ as Dallas EJ attempts to kick Good EJ’s right ankle.

Dallas EJ (yelling): “Get back here, you louse!”

Evil EJ, Gray EJ, Hero EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha watch as Dallas EJ catches up to Good EJ on the other side of the ring and the two combatants handslap each other for several minutes.

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Pathetic.”

Gray EJ (frowning): “Very. Not exactly the Ultimate Warrior versus the Undertaker here, eh?”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No, but considering this is the best either of them can do, I suppose it’s not that bad.”

Evil EJ (disagreeing): “You suppose wrong. I’ve seen better combat on C-Span.”

A loud ringing noise echoes throughout the arena.

Hero EJ (looking around): “Saved by the bell.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Literally.”

Evil Crazy EJ (last minute check with his wife): “Are you ready, Samantha?”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “Great! It is time for the halftime show!”

Outside of the cage, Robo EJ gestures for Good EJ and Dallas EJ to retreat to their respective corners as Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and move to a clear space in front of the seats. Gray EJ looks at Evil EJ in confusion.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Halftime show?”

Evil EJ (finishing his wine): “Of course, you fence straddling maggot. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha worked very hard on their routine.”

Having practiced for weeks, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha execute a tightly choreographed sequence of dance line and cheerleading moves to the piped in music.

Hero EJ (genuinely impressed): “I had no idea they could backflip that high.”

Gray EJ (awed as well): “And so gracefully too!”

Good EJ (catching his breath): “Aaaah…ahhhh.”

Not nearly as winded as his opponent, Dallas EJ moves over to the edge of the enclosure and stares at Evil EJ.

Dallas EJ (condescending): “This little show here is completely embarrassing for Evil Crazy EJ and only encourages him to act out instead of fitting into society. Now, it must be extremely challenging for someone as selfish as you are to take care of a special needs adult, so I can see why you’d allow it. But it’s a big mistake.”

Evil EJ (absolute zero): “And here I thought it was your mother’s unquestioning faith in thalidomide.”

Dallas EJ (matching the chill): “Says the man too chicken to fight me himself. Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?”

Evil EJ (deadly): “Always.”

The music fades, and again a loud ringing noise echoes throughout the arena. Done with their routine, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha run back to join the other EJs.

Evil Crazy EJ (retaking his seat with his wife): “Yes, Samantha! Round two!”

Robo EJ motions to Good EJ and Dallas EJ for the match to continue. Good EJ decides to continue his strategy of cowardice and runs around the ring avoiding Dallas EJ who studies Good EJ’s movement patterns.

Gray EJ (not believing what he’s saying): “You can do it, Good EJ!”

Hero EJ (unshakable faith): “Show Dallas EJ who’s the boss!”

Evil EJ (trying another tack): “Hey, sugarbumps! He stole your Sex and the City - The Movie Special Edition DVD!”

Nailing the pattern of Good EJ’s running, Dallas EJ grabs Good EJ and slams him against the side of the cage.

Dallas EJ (loathing): “You’re as embarrassing as the woman you love.”

Good EJ (trying to escape): “What’s insulting is your treatment of her! Tough love? Disrespecting someone isn’t love at all!”

Dallas EJ presses Good EJ into the wall as hard as he can.

Dallas EJ (snidely): “True. Oh, sure, I might have some residual feelings for Samantha, but I pity her, really. It’s not like she has any friends, right? Her self-destructive tendencies will destroy her again as they have every time in the past. Stupid woman actually thought-”

Hearing his beloved disparaged, something snaps inside of Good EJ.

Good EJ (enraged): “WE LOVE SAMANTHA!”

Fueled by his pure love for the woman of his dreams, Good EJ abruptly breaks Dallas EJ’s hold and repeatedly kicks him in the groin.

Dallas EJ (surprised): “Agggh!”


Hero EJ (loudly): “Insult to purity!”

Evil Crazy EJ (yelling): “Not real EJ!”

Gray EJ (clapping): “Sanctimonious git!”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Ignorant unceremonious wanker!”

Good EJ (pointing to his cheering section): “What they said!”

Capitalizing on his support, Good EJ pile drives Dallas EJ into the canvas.

Dallas EJ (reeling in pain): “AAAAARGGGGHHHHHH!”

Unwilling to give Dallas EJ a chance to recover, Good EJ hits him again with an elbow drop off the side of the cage.

Dallas EJ (losing consciousness): “No…it can’t be …”

With Dallas EJ down for the count, Good EJ stands off to the side.

Robo EJ (outside the cage): “1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10!”

The winning conditions met, Robo EJ unlocks the cage, enters, and comes over to Good EJ.

Robo EJ (raising Good EJ’s right hand): “WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION! GOOD EJ!”

At the proclamation, the cage mechanism rises off of the ring, and Robo EJ and Good EJ get out while Dallas EJ remains a crumpled heap on the floor of the stage. His current mission complete, Robo EJ powers himself down in a nearby corner. Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and his Samantha come over to greet Good EJ while Evil EJ stays in his seat.

Evil Crazy EJ (excitedly): “Congratulations, Stupid Pansy EJ on beating Fake Dallas EJ! Samantha is very happy to have ten dollars now to spend on fall dresses!”

Gray EJ (sincerely): “Yes, good job!”

Evil EJ (smirking): “We all knew you could do it, carrotcake.”

Hero EJ (offering a towel and water bottle to Good EJ): “Excellent work. You struggled in the beginning, but then you focused on Samantha, and she was able to fuel you on to victory.”

Good EJ (refusing Hero EJ’s offering): “How could you have helped put this match together? You’re supposed to be on my side!”

Hero EJ (truly hurt): “Good EJ, even you have to admit we have been unwatchable on screen lately with our out of place characterization.”

Good EJ (staggering backward as he tries to catch his breath): “I don’t admit anything.”

Self-righteous Voice (haughtily): “Funny. Neither do I.”

Unwilling to admit defeat, Dallas EJ springs off of the canvas suddenly from behind and grabs Good EJ in a headlock. Hero EJ, Evil EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha immediately tense, ready to spring into action. Full of himself, Dallas EJ shakes his head slightly.

Dallas EJ (having the upper hand): “Not so fast. I’ll break his neck. And we all know what happens then, don’t we?”

Hero EJ (taking charge): “Let him go, Dallas EJ. You don’t want to die anymore than we do. It’s over. He can’t help you.”

Dallas EJ (using his leverage): “Not alone anyway. If you want all of us to get out of this alive, you idiots are going to listen and agree to my demands.”

Hero EJ (negotiating as he formulates a plan): “All right.”

Dallas EJ (snootily): “I thought so. First, you need to throw away this all consuming love for Samantha. The writers have decided that we don’t feel that way any longer, and right now we’re enamored with Nicole. Samantha is no longer the center of our world, and you have to accept that reality. I don’t want to be locked into that depraved pairing anymore.”

The air crackles as a single gunshot punctuates Dallas EJ’s last words. Hit in the middle of his forehead, he immediately lets go of Good EJ and falls backward. Shocked, Good EJ, Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha turn to see Evil EJ with his gun in his hand, having fired without hesitation the instant he had a clear shot.

Evil EJ (demonically): “Then let me set you free.”

As the now late Dallas EJ bleeds out onto the concrete floor, Good EJ moves over to Hero EJ and Gray EJ. Satisfied with how he’s resolved the situation, Evil EJ reholsters his firearm as he stands up.

Hero EJ (disbelievingly): “I was handling it, Evil EJ! You didn’t need to kill him!”

Gray EJ (mentally taking the next step): “Why aren’t we dead?!”

Ignoring their remarks, Evil EJ walks over to Dallas EJ’s body and admires his handiwork.

Evil EJ (to the corpse): “You were saying, counterfeit? We are many, many things, but a hypocrite is not one of them.”

Evil Crazy EJ (approvingly): “Good shot, Evil EJ! Samantha says the blood spatter is impressive! She would also like to know if this means that we can kill Good EJ now.”

Evil EJ (moving his head up and grimacing): “Sadly, no.”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “An Austin Reed stealing our name and face is no more a part of us than Robo EJ, so I was able to give Dallas EJ what he so fittingly deserved. But unlike this insulting imitation, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star here is actually part of our total, albeit fractured, personality. We are unfortunately stuck with his festering goodness.”

Good EJ sighs in relief at Evil EJ’s words.

Hero EJ (sincerely as he puts his hand on Good EJ’s shoulder): “I wouldn’t let him kill you even if he could.”

Good EJ (pushing Hero EJ away): “I don’t trust you anymore!”

Gray EJ (looking at Dallas EJ’s corpse): “Evil EJ, while that makes as much sense as anything with us ever does, um, shouldn’t you not have done that anyway? I mean, TPTB seem pretty stuck on this joke of a triangle, so they’re going to keep going with this idiotic plotline for a while. I’m sure he has more scenes coming up.”

Evil EJ (unconcerned): “As am I. And I see no reason why he can’t be in them.”

Gray EJ (pressing): “But you just killed him. He’s dead.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Exactly.”

The other EJs look at Evil EJ in confusion except Evil Crazy EJ who lights up in delight.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Yes, Samantha! Zombie Dallas EJ!”

Good EJ (stunned): “What?!”

Hero EJ (taken aback): “You wouldn’t.”

Gray EJ (cringing): “Oh, yes, he would.”

Evil EJ (devilishly): “Just in time for Halloween.”

Evil EJ (stepping on Dallas EJ’s right kneecap): “Besides, it’s not as if anyone will notice the difference. Seen one self-righteous Salemite, seen them all. He can drool all over that abhorrent tart just fine, and we can easily replace him if the writing suddenly and miraculously improves.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (thrilled): “That is a very good question, Samantha! I wonder if Zombie Dallas EJ will be vulnerable to fire too!”

Evil EJ walks over to Gray EJ and hands him a keycard.

Gray EJ (wondering): “What’s this?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Access to the morgue. There’s already a shelf ready and waiting for our necromancy subject.”

Evil EJ (putting a hand on Gray EJ’s shoulder for a moment): “Now, be a dear, and take care of all this for me. After all, I did just save your life, and I’m sure everyone else here will gladly assist you out of the same gratitude. I’d do it myself, but Samantha and I have plans.”

Hero EJ (remembering): “But it was your turn last night.”

Good EJ (incredulously): “And the night before!”

Gray EJ (resigned): “And the night before that.”

Evil EJ (mock humbly): “Who am I to deny our beloved her preference for the personality she’d like to spend the most time with?”

His work finished, Evil EJ starts walking to the exit of the arena as Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Good EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha watch him leave. The pieces moving in his mind, Gray EJ calls after Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (putting it all together): “This was the plan all along, wasn’t it? You got to kill Dallas EJ in an unnecessarily convoluted manner that amused you, and we’re stuck down here cleaning all this up while you get to spend the night with Samantha again.”

Extremely pleased with himself, Evil EJ turns around and looks at the other EJs before winking mischievously at them.

Evil EJ (smugly): “Bow down, cretins.”