Saturday, June 28, 2008


Deep within the vast Byzantine that is the DiMansion, Hero EJ, Evil EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll are lounging in the home theater room. Hero EJ is dressed in his black suit and sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Evil EJ who is dressed in a black sweatshirt and jeans with a black blanket wrapped around him. Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll are on the floor with their toys, both dressed in nursing scrubs, him in blue and Samantha in pink. All three are watching American Psycho.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Batman isn’t going to put the kitty in the ATM, is he?”

Evil EJ (reassuringly): “No. He thinks about it, but he doesn’t.”

Evil Crazy EJ (talking to the screen): “No, Batman! Not the kitty! Financial machines eat money, not animals!”

Evil EJ (pointing): “Don’t worry. See? He didn’t.”

Evil Crazy EJ (relived): “Good! You can look now, Samantha. The kitty is okay!”

Samantha: “…”

Hero EJ (cringing): “But those police officers aren’t. Exactly how many people does Christian Bale’s character kill in this movie?”

Evil EJ (thinking about it): “At least a dozen. Probably closer to thirty.”

Hero EJ (sincerely): “I have to hand it to you, Evil EJ. This has to be the most violent, misogynistic, and depraved film I’ve ever had to watch.”

Evil EJ (lighting up): “I know. Isn’t it great?”

Hero EJ (disapprovingly): “You would think so.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “It’s my favorite movie.”

Angry Voice (loudly): “Bloody imbecile! I could strangle him! I should strangle him!! Flipping lap dog!!!”

Hero EJ, Evil EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha turn to see a very angry Gray EJ enter the room and walk over to them.

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Hi, Gray EJ!”

Evil EJ (calmly): “Bad writing getting you down, twinkletoes?”

Gray EJ (throwing his hands up in the air): “I’ve had it! Do you know what I had to do this week? I had to completely brush off Samantha at the health club. Then I had to have a completely inane conversation with Lucas. And then I had to turn around and act like best friends with the man who shot and paralyzed us at the expense of the woman we love!

Evil EJ (to Hero EJ): “He’s annoyed Lucas ate his chips.”

Hero EJ grins in spite of himself but his smile quickly fades as he watches Gray EJ violently kick a nearby wall.

Hero EJ (concerned): “I know you’re upset about the poor dialogue and storyline, but it will all work out sooner or later, Gray EJ. Please don’t hurt yourself.”

Gray EJ (not listening): “No, what I should do is put us all into a coma because it gets even better! Soon we’re having sex with Nicole! Oh, I cannot wait for that.”

Evil EJ (shrugging): “No need. We’re not having sex with Nicole.”

Gray EJ (wondering): “Of course we are. You’ve seen the spoilers, haven’t you?”

Evil EJ (firmly): “Of course. But we aren’t having sex with Nicole.”

Gray EJ (challenging): “Yes, we are.”

Evil EJ (adamant): “No, we’re not.”

Evil EJ gestures broadly towards another door across the room.

Evil EJ (grandly): “Don’t get mad, get even, is what I always say. And that’s why I-”

Hero EJ coughs lightly.

Evil EJ (trying again): “My pathetic assistant and I-”

Hero EJ coughs louder.

Evil EJ (through gritted teeth): “My esteemed colleague and I-”

Evil EJ stops and looks at Hero EJ. Hero EJ nods approvingly.

Evil EJ (continuing): “give you…the E-5000!”

Hero EJ, Evil EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, his Samantha doll, and Gray EJ watch as a figure lumbers its way into the room.

Mechanical Voice (inhuman): “YOU SO NICE TO ME, NICOLE. YOU IS GREAT!”

Gray EJ (totally confused): “What is it?”

Evil EJ (annoyed): “You unintelligent worm, it’s clearly a psychotronic based-”

Evil Crazy EJ (interrupting): “He is Robo EJ! Samantha named him!”

Evil EJ (sighing): “We’ve discussed this before, Evil Crazy EJ. The E-5000 is a Skynet enabled, highly advanced cyborg capable of undertaking the most difficult and dangerous missions, not a mere robot.”

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “Samantha says he is made out of metal and not alive like we are so he is a robot!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Samantha! Just like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2!

Hero EJ (to Evil EJ): “Although you’re technically correct, as it is a distinction without much difference, you should just let it go. No one else cares.”

Evil EJ (not happy about it): “Fine. We can just all be wrong then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “We helped Evil EJ and Hero EJ build him by drawing the instructions!”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and hand their work to Gray EJ.

Gray EJ (looking between the schematic and the final product): “Ah, so we aren’t going to have elevator sex with Nicole…he is.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Precisely, as he is anatomically correct. Ingenious, isn’t it? This way none of us need spend any time with that worthless tramp.”

Gray EJ (raising his eyebrow as he hands the schematic back to Evil Crazy EJ): “Indeed. I have to admit, I’m surprised you’re on board with this, Hero EJ.”

Hero EJ (folding his arms): “While I appreciate TPTB’s attempt to redeem Nicole, I do not approve of it coming at the expense of our characterization, storyline, and proper pairing. Hence my alliance in this regard with my archnemesis.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Between the two of us, it was an easy task to construct him.”

Robo EJ (mechanically): “LET US SMOOCHY SMOOCHY, NICOLE!”

Gray EJ (considering Robo EJ again): “You know, I rather hate to mention this at this point given that I’m sure you two worked very hard making him, but he looks and acts nothing like us, not to mention his monotone voice with the poor grammar. This is as if you threw an 80s department store mannequin on top of a T-1000 exoskeleton. And why is all that gel in his hair?”

Hero EJ gives Evil EJ a dirty look.

Hero EJ (annoyed): “Perhaps if someone hadn’t insisted on cobbling him together from Rolf’s spare parts, we could have achieved a more lifelike result.”

Evil EJ (scoffing as he gestures): “I am not going to spend my hard earned nefarious lawyer money on something that’s only going to last another five weeks or so before Father awakens or the writing staff turns over, whichever happens first.”

Gray EJ (disbelievingly): “This is never going to fool anyone, not even Nicole.”

Hero EJ (disagreeing): “Actually Robo EJ passed with flying colors during the field testing last week.”

Gray EJ (surprised): “That was Robo EJ?”

Evil EJ (insultingly): “Maybe if you spent less time being irate and more time paying attention to this sorry excuse of a television show, your small mind would have seen that the EJ on screen was clearly none of us yet was more than good enough to fool the insipid drunkard that is Nicole.”

Evil EJ looks at his watch.

Evil EJ (to Hero EJ): “Speaking of which, now that Gray EJ is here, I assume you will want to prepare for what lies ahead along with conducting your usual covert vigil on the twins and Samantha.”

Hero EJ (nodding as he stands): “Yes, I should get going. Interlacing Robo EJ’s screentime with mine will be a difficult task, but I intend to complete it as seamlessly as possible.”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “I’m sure you’ll be as flawless as ever.”

Gray EJ (sincerely): “Good luck.”

Evil Crazy EJ (cheerily): “Samantha says have fun playing with Robo EJ, Hero EJ!”


Hero EJ walks over to Robo EJ and leads him out of the room. Gray EJ takes Hero EJ’s spot on the couch while Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha resume their place on the floor.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Um, shouldn’t Hero EJ try to hide Robo EJ? What if they run into someone?”

Evil EJ (dismissively as he restarts the film): “As far as the other characters on this show are concerned, this mansion consists of an entryway, a living room, a staircase, a hallway, and Samantha’s room. We have run of this place, not that it would matter if we bump into anyone anyway since everyone is characterized as so bipolar right now, they’d just forget it ever happened ten minutes later.”

Gray EJ (muttering): “I wish we could make everyone forget Nicole.”

Evil EJ (repausing the movie): “Aren’t you the little death ray today? And here I thought you were supposed to be the sensible one.”

Gray EJ (seething): “After the inane dialogue and actions I was forced to perform recently, I’m not feeling very charitable.”

Evil EJ (approving): “As much as I appreciate you giving into your violent tendencies, you know as well as I do that we cannot eliminate Nicole because TPTB have supposedly slated her for the heroine slot now that Sami will be re-villainized in order to be with us. After all, the show needs a Belle.”

Gray EJ (begrudgingly): “I suppose.”

Gray EJ notices Evil EJ’s casual attire and the blanket around him.

Gray EJ (suddenly concerned): “Are you not feeling well, Evil EJ?”

Evil Crazy EJ (blurting): “Evil EJ is sick! Too much stupidity on the show!”

Evil EJ (coughing): “Well, it’s either that or those contaminated tomatoes. Damn CDC can’t even track a salmonella outbreak.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “Nurse Samantha and Nurse Evil Crazy EJ are taking care of him!”

Gray EJ (laughing): “You’re lucky to have such devoted attendants.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “There’s no one else I’d rather have look after me.”

Evil Crazy EJ (beaming with pride): “Of course! Samantha is a licensed practical nurse. And it is time to take your temperature again, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ (hiding his annoyance): “Fifteen minutes ago wasn’t recently enough?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Samantha insists! She says we must compare the results to before.”

Evil EJ (giving in): “All right.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and come over to Evil EJ in order to measure his temperature with an electronic ear thermometer.

Evil Crazy EJ (comfortingly): “Now this will not hurt, Evil EJ, but Samantha is here for you if you need to cry.”

Evil EJ (holding back): “If only I had done this multiple times today already.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing it): “Yes, you are a very good patient!”

Evil Crazy EJ quickly takes Evil EJ’s temperature. Nodding at the results, he turns to his wife.

Evil Crazy EJ (to his doll): “Got it!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, sweetheart! We must take this back to the lab!”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha resume their place on the floor and begin to analyze the results. Sensing that Gray EJ is not finished, Evil EJ leaves the movie on pause and turns back to him.

Gray EJ (hand through his hair): “I know it shouldn’t, but Days is driving me crazy right now.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Now, now, Gray EJ. We already have one insane EJ, and he’s more than enough.”

Gray EJ (grimacing): “I know the entire show is awful across the board, but look at what is happening to Samantha and us. Why this mess? Why this business with Nicole? I thought we were different. I thought our couple was different.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “We are, and it is. Unfortunately, expecting us to escape the less savory tropes of our respective genre was wishful thinking. Apparently this is supposed to be titillating.”

Gray EJ (bluntly): “We should be on a better show.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “We should. However, the E-5000-”

Evil Crazy EJ (interjecting): “Robo EJ!”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Robo EJ aside, this is in character even if the execution is appalling.”

Gray EJ (intensely disagreeing as he points): “How can you possibly say that?! This entire plot point is unnecessary! Yes, Samantha and us had to be torn apart so we could come together again without the Black Wedding hanging over our heads. But it could have happened in a much more interesting, inventive, and fun manner! We didn’t even need to have Lucas or Nicole involved at all. No wonder the demo is down-no one wants to watch this!”

Evil EJ (almost on the same page): “Agreed. But we’ve done this before.”

Gray EJ (challenging): “When?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “November and December 2006. Ejole is just an Ejate retread. We did the same exact thing with desk sex with Kate as Robo EJ will be doing with elevator sex with Nicole. In both cases, once Samantha chose Lucas over us, we slept with her enemy. Yes, it was to salve our own pain, but it was also to hurt her as much as we could…as much as she had hurt us. We’re not a nice man.”

Gray EJ (making a face): “I thought you liked that.”

Evil EJ (sanguine): “Malice without intelligence is mere animalism…and nature, my dear boy, is what we were put on earth to rise above.”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look over towards Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (seriously): “Excellent observation, Samantha.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, darling, the results show Evil EJ is not better right now.”

Evil EJ (idly): “There’s a lesson there, you know.”

Gray EJ (irritated): “Yes, it’s only a matter of time before we all lose it with the show in such disarray.”

Evil EJ chuckles and looks at Gray EJ.

Evil EJ (openly): “No, it’s that you define your own reality. As fictional characters, we are not bound to the official story nor to any particular interpretation. So no matter what happens this summer, she is still our Samantha, you understand?”

Gray EJ (accepting): “I do.”

Gray EJ considers Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (agreeably): “You’re insightful when you’re ill.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Now that’s a backhanded complement if I’ve ever heard one.”

Gray EJ’s eyes widen as Evil EJ’s smile dissolves into a coughing fit. Alarmed, Gray EJ puts his right hand on Evil EJ’s shoulder. Jumping up at Evil EJ’s distress, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha hurry over to him.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “Are you okay, Evil EJ?”

Evil EJ (uncomfortable with all the attention): “Of course. I’m fine.”

Gray EJ (getting up and moving Evil EJ before he can object): “You mean you will be if you rest. Here, you lie down.”

The decision made, Evil Crazy EJ suddenly focuses on his wife before holding out his Samantha doll to Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Samantha says she can take care of you even better if she can sit next to you.”

Evil EJ (protesting): “No, she should stay with you. I’ll get her sick.”

Evil Crazy EJ (not taking no for an answer): “Samantha has an advanced immune system. She will help you get well faster!”

Knowing Evil Crazy EJ will not let him refuse, Evil EJ reluctantly accepts Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll and places her next to him on the couch.

Gray EJ (thinking): “Let me guess, you haven’t eaten dinner yet. What would you like?”

Evil EJ (milking it): “Homemade chicken soup, a slightly burnt grilled cheese sandwich cut diagonally not horizontally, an organic Italian salad, a slice of gourmet French Silk pie, and a glass of whole milk nicely chilled.”

Gray EJ (not happy): “I’ll see what I can do. Evil Crazy EJ, are you and Samantha hungry?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, and Samantha and I would like to have what our patient is having so we can see if it is acceptable get well food. Except we would like chocolate milk instead, right, Samantha?”

Samantha: “…”

Gray EJ (moving towards the door he came in): “That’s fine. We’ll all have that then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (following Gray EJ): “I will get more blankets and pillows for Evil EJ so he is more comfortable!”

Evil EJ (relaxing into the couch): “Okay, you two. Samantha and I will be here waiting. We can finish up the movie over dinner.”

After both Gray EJ and Evil Crazy EJ have left the room, Evil EJ smirks widely.

Evil EJ (to himself): “I really must be ill more often.”

Out in the hallway, Gray EJ turns to Evil Crazy EJ.

Gray EJ (nicely): “Evil Crazy EJ, can you also stop by and check on Good EJ? He should be up from his nap around now. Can you see if he wants anything for dinner?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, I will before I get the blankets and pillows.”

Gray EJ (agreeably): “Sounds good. We’ll see each other shortly then, eh?”

Evil Crazy EJ (already walking away): “Yes! We need to get back to Evil EJ and Samantha!”

Gray EJ moves in the opposite direction from Evil Crazy EJ on his way to the kitchen. Meanwhile, Evil Crazy EJ goes to Good EJ’s room where Good EJ is still trapped in his cage.

Good EJ (brightly as Evil Crazy EJ enters the room): “Hello, Evil Crazy EJ! I’m so happy you came by! I had a very nice nap, and I was wondering if-OW!”

Enraged, Evil Crazy EJ pulls Good EJ forward and forcefully rams his face into the bars of the cage.

Evil Crazy EJ (disappointed): “Samantha knew it! She said not to trust you!”

Good EJ (wincing in pain): “What?”

Evil Crazy EJ (pointing): “You ungrateful goodnik! This is all your fault!”

Good EJ (trying to stop the blood spurting from his nose): “Why?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Evil EJ is sick because of you! Your stupidity infected the show and made him feel bad! He must be allergic to the glitter you got all over Days!”

Good EJ (hurt): “Evil Crazy EJ, that’s not right. I had nothing to do with all this bad writing. Or the tomatoes.”

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “I don’t believe you. You need to be punished. No Lucky Charms for you!”

Evil Crazy EJ reaches inside of the cage and removes the box of cereal before Good EJ can stop him.

Good EJ (surprised): “Then what am I supposed to eat?”

Evil Crazy EJ (sticking out his tongue): “You can eat your sparkly words and dumb rainbows!”

Good EJ (patiently): “Evil Crazy EJ, you have to feed me. You know you can’t kill me. We’ll all die.”

Evil Crazy EJ (irate): “Yes, Evil EJ has explained this several times to Samantha and myself, and we are both very sorry about not being able to murder you. But we can make you wish you were dead.”

Good EJ (cleaning up the blood on his face with his right sleeve): “You do realize that when Hero EJ and Gray EJ come to visit me later, I can just tell them that you aren’t giving me any food.”

Evil Crazy EJ (threateningly): “No, you are not going to say anything unless you would also like to bleed on the inside! You lie, and you say you only want water because you are not hungry! Or Samantha will rip out your toenails one by one!”

Good EJ (taken aback): “What happened to taking very good care of your prisoner?”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at Good EJ incredulously.

Evil Crazy EJ (frantic): “EVIL EJ IS SICK! Samantha has given the command to go to Red Alert! All prisoners’ rights have been revoked, especially to those who made him sick!!!”

Good EJ (imploringly): “I didn’t make him ill! I’ve been in here the entire time!”

Evil Crazy EJ (snidely): “Your horrible goodness is sneaky. Yes, you did, and you get your cereal back when Evil EJ gets better.”

Good EJ (worried): “We have no idea how long that might be.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, you are right, so I would think Samantha would suggest you start praying for his quick recovery.”

Good EJ (genuinely): “I can do that. I do want him to get better.”

Evil Crazy EJ (darkly): “Good. She would also ask you to consider which appendage you’d rather lose if someone does not get better soon and someone else and his wife need to remind a certain good someone about hurting the someone who is their best friend in the entire world.”

Good EJ (the color draining from his face): “Evil Crazy EJ, you can’t do that to me. You can’t! Please? Please-I didn’t make Evil EJ sick! Please, you have to believe me!”

Evil Crazy EJ (offhand as he moves away): “Samantha told me that if she had to choose, she would rather lose a leg because she needs her hands to color.”

Evil Crazy EJ ignores Good EJ’s pleas as he leaves the room and goes to get blankets and pillows for Evil EJ.

The Awful Week of June 23rd, 2008 in Review


Glasses are totally metal.

“EJ, I'll help you pack, and maybe Rolf can find us some boxes. Hey, Rolf?”
“He's at a tango lesson.” Ah, so close to a joke, yet so far.

“Great, and how would that look? Do you really want the immigration service breathing down our necks again?” I don’t know, EJ, do you?
“But I know that you can be a good guy when you want to be.” *snicker*
“I did that for you.” As you do everything for her.
“I'm asking you to do this for me, too. You have become a different man since you became a father. You've turned your back on the DiMera heritage. You're working for Mickey Horton now. I mean, who would have seen that coming?” Oh, someone is not going to like next week, is she?

“Okay, fine. I'll tell you what. But if I'm going somewhere, okay, I'm taking my son with me.” Hey, it’s March 6th, 2007 all over again!
“Samantha, darling, has it ever occurred to you that the situation with Lucas might not be fixable?” Well, to be fair, EJ, Sami doesn’t know about the content of the Lucas and Chloe scenes.

“You can put me out of sight, darling, but you cannot put me out of mind. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, you can't stop thinking about me.” Who wouldn’t? Sami is one lucky girl, if she’d only be willing to admit it.
“You are the most pompous, arrogant, conceited jerk I have ever met.”
“It's called confidence.” Exactly. EJ has very high self-esteem.

“Watching you with the're a natural with them. They are both very lucky to have had you in their lives. EJ, you know how to make me pretty angry, so I'll admit, I say things I don't mean sometimes. The truth is, you are a great father, and I will always want you to be a part of Johnny's life. But, you know, you could do that even if you weren't living here. So, what do you say?” I’m glad EJ didn’t fall for this emotional manipulation by Sami. Maybe we can actually start getting somewhere now.


“Well, there have got to be like a million good reasons I shouldn’t have a snack, and I can't think of one of them.” Oh, this better be going where I want it to go. And EJ gets to pick out the name this time!

Yippie, more Ejole foreshadowing. Bring on the summer of suck!

“Lucas and I hate each other, so why we are best buddies ten minutes from now I really cannot tell you. Perhaps I suffer some sort of severe head injury between now and then.”

“I know you’re supposed to be my archnemesis, but can you do me a favor?”

I would have much rather have watched EJ eat his food in silence here, but noooooo.

This is so wrong on multiple levels. I could write a 500 page paper on why, but the bottom line is EJ and Lucas being friends and eating lunch together after jointly dumping on Sami is damaging to all three characters. I genuinely regret watching this.

“What the hell?” Indeed, Sami. Indeed.

The Grade

Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered

F-. Keep this up, and you’ll get yourself canceled yet, Days.