Sunday, October 19, 2008

Local Salem Commercial Break

With apologies to Steve Englehart

I’m Evil EJ, and I approve this message.

Hello, ignorant maggots. Are you feeling as patriotic as I am? Yes, it’s only a few weeks until Election Day, but I’ve suddenly heard the call to serve you lesser minds. Accordingly, I’ve decided to throw my proverbial hat into the ring, and unveil to you, the idiotic public, my presidential campaign.

Simple. Elegant. No nuances, lockboxes, or complex platform positions to remember. You either vote for me, or you’ll no longer stay above room temperature. So if you want to keep breathing, I’ll have your complete and absolute support.

But even with that ultimatum, perhaps you’re unsure. Maybe you believe I won’t actually murder you in your sleep because other politicians have failed you in the past. Fear not. As I am a man of my word, I vow to terminate you with extreme prejudice if you do not vote for me through one of the following: strangulation, asphyxiation, shooting, puncture or shearing wounds, fire, liquid nitrogen, electrocution, illegal or legal drugs, biotoxins, wild animals, blunt force trauma, or a random exotic method of my choice such as drowning you in an industrial vat of hot chocolate.

And if you believe that I won’t find out that you didn’t back me as voting is supposedly private, oh, I’ll know. My crack staff of willing election minions on an unlimited payroll will secretly investigate every single ballot and trace them back to the appropriate citizen. Rest assured that if I find out you voted against me, you’ll be below ground before you can remove the election sign of one of my competitors off your front lawn.

Or perhaps you’ve already decided to join the winning team, but you’d like to know what will I do when I’m inducted into office. Ah, what won’t I do? Assassinate Lucas? Mandatory all black suit Fridays? Rename September to Samanther? Upon my coronation, you will be the willing subject of a depraved new world order, one that will eventually transform the entire world into the evil empire that it should be. Furthermore, it makes no difference that I’m younger than thirty-five as that will be one of my first changes to the Constitution along with exercising that whole term limits clause and having free elections every four years. And don’t even think about stopping me through the Supreme Court or the U.N. as my first hundred days will guarantee my benevolent, unending rule with an iron fist.

So forget these other two jokers, and choose evil on Election Day. After all, your continued existence depends on it.

Because it’s not about what I can do for you, but rather what I can do to you, isn’t it, sunshine?

Friday, October 17, 2008



Sorry. Robo EJ apologizes as Robo EJ must be quiet as Robo EJ is currently hiding from Hero EJ and Evil EJ in DiMansion ventilation system. Robo EJ could not be happier about cyborg baby, but Hero EJ and Evil EJ not like situation or Robo EJ’s self-modifications which allowed Robo Baby to be created. Robo EJ does not understand why Hero EJ is “very disappointed in him” and Evil EJ vowed Robo EJ would be “disintegrated to the subatomic level.” Yes, Nicole less than optimal female to make offspring with, but Robo EJ take what Robo EJ can get.

So no need be angry, Robo EJ take good care of Robo Baby all by himself once baby is born. No need Nicole then. And Robo EJ is very excited to be father for son or daughter! If baby is 0111100001111001, name will be Ernie after one of first computers, ENIAC. If baby is 0111100001111000, name will be Rose after robot human relations trailblazer Rosie the Robot.

So, yes, it review time! Monday show!

“I don’t know what to say.” Of course you do not, Zombie Dallas EJ! Is not your baby!

“She’s lying!” While Robo EJ thrilled to be daddy, Robo EJ admit that would have been better pro-Ejami plot. Rewrite from pro-Lumi and Ejole story obvious.

Robo EJ only like Zombie Dallas EJ defend Nicole here because she carry Robo Baby.

Get away, Zombie Dallas EJ! Is not yours!

“What do we do now?” Zombie Dallas EJ is moron led around on leash. Robo EJ know Evil EJ would not ask for guidance from non-Samantha woman.

Tuesday show!

Robo EJ think Zombie Dallas EJ showing off pale dead chest not distract audience from horrible writing.

Robo EJ also think Sami outfit not fool blind person although was clearly designed by one. And calling Zombie Dallas EJ sleaze is insult to Evil EJ.

Shirtless Lucas another sign of wrong decisionmaking. Confronted with choice, show always pick wrong option.

Days, people not care about real election. Care even less about fake one.

Robo EJ says does not compute Kayla would help any EJ after Evil EJ brainwashed husband and ran her off road with minions.

Hello, Robo Baby! Robo EJ is glad you is well! So cute! Cyborg growth insulation netting should protect Robo Baby from adverse events, but Robo EJ will feel much better when baby is born and away from Nicole.

Robo EJ not surprised ratings bad. This not chemistry. Can feel through screen even Zombie Dallas EJ want leave Nicole.

Wednesday show!

Robo EJ beyond caring about Ejole except for Robo Baby. Zombie Dallas EJ unwatchable.

Chloe insult Sami beyond the pale and very insulting to audience who is not all supermodels. Sheer idiocy like this why show not renewed yet.

Robo EJ think show very stupid reminding audience of past when show actually entertaining. Only fuel audience uncontrollable rage.

“I think Lucas is warming up to me.” Robo EJ think Zombie Dallas EJ should not want be liked by man who attempted murder all EJs. Robo EJ also think TPTB complete idiots for thinking audience accept non-enemy Lucas and EJ relationship.

Outfit completely not hiding Sami pregnancy so yes, moron Zombie Dallas EJ does not notice.

Ejami light up around each other!

Robo EJ found dialogue here insulting, especially “a friend” and “sign that you are meant to be” lines. Yet again show does not care about Ejami fanbase.

It’s been a long time

This only good moment all week. EJ and Sami want be together, but crap writing make them too stupid to tell each other this. And rewrites yet again obvious. Original plan Ejami end here. Robo EJ wonder how dumb TPTB get out of bed in morning without injury.

Robo EJ think Sami not tell Zombie Dallas EJ about Ejami baby plot totally undermined by scene with Johnny but expect this level of foolishness from Days.

Thursday show!

“Hmm, Ejami still not together, ratings still in toilet.”

Robo EJ believe show digging own grave.

Zombie Dallas EJ take dressing cues from Pansy EJ. Look like salon hairstylist. Evil EJ shoot television like namesake right now.

“Are you insane?” Insane is bag masquerading as dress.

Somehow Robo EJ did not miss this.

Nurse completely unprofessional and should be fired. Many women have babies alone. Again Days insulting audience.

Of course Stefano not care. Have zillions of children with none same mothers.

Yet again scenes demonstrate Days want Lumi and Ejole before badly added Ejami rewrites. Show running out of time. Ejami now or lights out.

Friday sh-

Robo EJ’s mechanical voice falters as a surge of electricity runs through him.

Excited Voice (proud): “Great shot, Samantha!”

As the shock from the tazer rapidly wears off, Robo EJ sees Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll enter the ventilation shaft both dressed in infiltration gear.

Robo EJ (surprised): “Evil Crazy EJ? What you doing?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Samantha and I are here to bring you in, Robo EJ. Evil EJ asked for our help in looking for you. He is very not happy.”

Robo EJ (afraid): “No, please! Please! Robo EJ must be around for Robo Baby!”

Evil Crazy EJ (ignoring his pleas): “Samantha says Robo EJ should have thought of that before he asked the stork to bring him robot baby without getting permission from Hero EJ and Evil EJ!”

Robo EJ (confused): “Robo EJ think Evil Crazy EJ mistaken where baby comes from.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing the point): “I think you come from Stupidland! You have Nicole be mommy of Robo Baby?! She does not know anything about robots. She will give the baby alcohol to drink instead of gasoline and human toys like stuffed animals instead of robot toys like lasers.”

Robo EJ (desperate): “Please do not bring Robo EJ to Evil EJ! Robo EJ will give you cookies!”

Evil Crazy EJ regards Robo EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (intrigued): “What kind of cookies?”

Robo EJ (negotiating): “You choose.”

Talking the offer over with his wife, Evil Crazy EJ brings his Samantha doll closer to him in order to hear her better.

Evil Crazy EJ (adamant): “E.L. Fudge Doublestuffed. Two packages. One for Samantha and one for me.”

Robo EJ (all too eager): “This can be arranged.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleasantly): “We accept your terms.”

Evil Crazy EJ holds out his hand. As soon as Robo EJ moves to shake it, Evil Crazy EJ stabs Robo EJ’s right hand with a combat knife.

Evil Crazy EJ (removing the blade): “Stupid robot! We would never betray Evil EJ! Not even for a tour of the Keebler elves factory tree! Now you come with us!”

Robo EJ (evilly): “Robo EJ does not think so.”

Robo EJ backs away from Evil Crazy EJ to show he is now holding Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll in his left hand.

Samantha: “…”

Enraged, Evil Crazy EJ glares darkly at Robo EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (pointing angrily): “You leave my wife alone, Robo EJ!”

Robo EJ (shaking his head): “Robo EJ will not miss nanosecond of Robo Baby existence.”

Evil Crazy EJ (growling): “You won’t exist if you don’t take your hands off Samantha right now!”

Robo EJ (stating his terms): “You let Robo EJ still hide, you get leave with her.”

Robo EJ and Evil Crazy EJ stare at each other. Suddenly, Evil Crazy EJ smiles.

Evil Crazy EJ (reciting): “Computer, accept audio input! Code six six three nine! Alpha Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! Reference 0x0000042! Passphrase what the paladin doesn’t know won’t hurt him!”

A clicking sound comes from Robo EJ’s speakers and echoes throughout the shaft.

Sinister Recording (sounds familiar): “Indeed. Physical lockdown activated. Evil EJ manual override engaged. So bucket of bolts hasn’t been behaving himself. Who is going to put him in his place?”

Robo EJ (unable to move): “What?!! What paralyze Robo EJ and use sound system?”

Evil Crazy EJ (continuing): “User is Frayed Ends of Sanity! Password is Samantha’s favorite color!”

Evil EJ Control Program (access granted): “Identity confirmed. Hello, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. How shall this overgrown toaster serve you?”

Robo EJ (frozen): “This not fair. Hero EJ said Robo EJ is free being. This not supposed to be possible!”

Evil Crazy EJ (ordering): “Go to sleep now!”

Evil EJ Control Program (executing): “Command accepted. Initiating emergency shutdown. Flipping killswitch. Unpleasant dreams, sunshine.”

Robo EJ (shrieking): “NOOOOOOOOO! MY BAB-”

The light dies in Robo EJ’s eyes as his internal power source is deactivated. Satisfied that he has rendered the cyborg inert, Evil Crazy EJ walks over to him and gathers his wife in his arms.

Samantha (hugging her husband): “Oh, EJ!”

Evil Crazy EJ (stroking her hair): “Did he hurt you, sweetheart?”

Samantha (giggling): “Nope. Our backup plan worked perfectly!”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “While I would have preferred not to make Robo EJ take a nap, it was his own fault. He should have never tried to use you as a hostage.”

Samantha (considering): “Yes, for a machine Robo EJ is not very smart.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Robo EJ should have known that Evil EJ would install a hidden program to control him behind Hero EJ’s back and give himself, us, and Gray EJ secret codes for it. Of course Evil EJ does not want Robo EJ walking around without a way to stop him. He has watched the Terminator movies with us lots of times.”

Having subdued Robo EJ, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha drag him out of the ventilation shaft and place him on the floor of the adjacent room.

Samantha (brushing dust off her outfit): “You should tell Evil EJ we have completed our mission!”

Evil Crazy EJ (taking out his Sidekick): “Good idea, Samantha!”

Evil Crazy EJ (texting): “O_o samantha + me got robo ej in tv room plz come 2 us ^_^”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha read the near-instant reply from Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (response): “Excellent, I’ll be right there-consider your request granted.”

Samantha (throwing her hands up in the air): “Yes! Evil EJ is going to take us to dinner and clothes shopping!”

Evil Crazy EJ (gesturing happily): “And not only that, Samantha! He said that we can get McFlurries, and he’d play in the PlayZone with us!”

Samantha (smiling): “I want to take pictures of him on the slide and in the ball pit! We can make him a thank you present and put the photos in a friendship frame!”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing her on the top of her head): “Oh, he will love that! You are the best wife ever!”

Samantha looks over at Robo EJ’s unconscious form.

Samantha (tugging on her husband’s sleeve): “Sweetie, I think we need to finish up the review Robo EJ was doing. He can’t finish it when he’s asleep.”

Evil Crazy EJ (unsure): “But we didn’t watch the show, my dear. It was too stupid.”

Samantha (thinking): “Well, I suppose we could say that Nicole should not play tickling games with Zombie Dallas EJ in her underwear. She will get sick!”

Evil Crazy EJ (amazed at how smart his wife is): “That is a very good point, darling. Cold and flu season will be here soon, and we don’t want anyone to become ill.”

Samantha (hugging her husband): “So dress appropriately, and enjoy the weekend! No show, so no stupid stuff to watch! Only losers would write such a stupid story! We give this past week an L for losers!”

Evil Crazy EJ (hugging her back): “Yes, we do, sweetheart! And now that’s it’s over with, it’s time to have fun!”