Just the Christmas I've Been Waiting For

Ready for the final ghost, Evil EJ smiles as he waits.

Evil EJ (twisting the knife): “Cutting it a little close, aren’t we?”

Carpe (frantic): “It’s not technically Christmas yet!”

Evil EJ (smugly): “Better hurry.”

Evil EJ turns his head as a dark figure moves out from a nearby alley towards him.



Carpe (narrating): “The Phantom slowly, gravely, silently approached, and in the very air through which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter gloom and mystery. It was shrouded in a deep gray garment, which concealed its head, its face, its form, and left nothing of it visible, save two outstretched hands holding a gleaming scythe. But for this, it would have been difficult to detach its figure from the sudden night that had fallen and separate it from the darkness by which it was surrounded.”

Evil EJ (unimpressed): “Not exactly a practical man, are you?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing.

Evil EJ (yawning): “Oh, yes, how foreboding. Let’s get on with it then, eh?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future again says nothing. He then swings his scythe and uses his Ghost of Christmas Future powers to send both of them into the future. They arrive in a snowy graveyard, and the Phantom points to two persons meeting some distance away.



Carpe (narrating): “Oh, cold, cold, rigid, dreadful death, set up thine altar here, and dress it with such terrors as thou hast at thy command: for this is thy dominion!”

Future Sami (crying as she looks at the grave): “Oh, no, Will, no!”

Future Lucas (volcanic): “This is all your fault, Sami! He died from flesh eating bacteria! He would have been fine if he hadn’t had that sore throat he got from yelling at you!”

Future Sami (sobbing): “My baby, no, oh no!”

Evil EJ looks at the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Evil EJ (offhandedly): “As saddened as I am at Samantha’s pain at the loss of her child, you do realize that this is actually an incentive for me, don’t you? I’d finally be able to get my PlayStation 3 back from that ungrateful brat. He never even invited me over to play Resistance on it.”



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmCICWhHaY4

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing after it successfully stops itself from snickering.

Carpe (quietly): “The Phantom moved forward into another part of the cemetery. Evil EJ joined it, and, wondering why and whither he had gone, accompanied it until they reached an iron gate. He paused to look round before entering. The Spirit stood among the ignored graves, and pointed down to one. Evil EJ advanced towards it. The Phantom was exactly as it had been, but he saw new meaning in its solemn shape.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9JOs983AN0

Like a touch from hell
I feel how hot that it can get if you get caught
Like a strike from Heaven that turns that key
That brings you straight down to your knees

Like a touch from hell
I feel how hot that it can get if I get caught
Like a strike from Heaven to reprieve
That brings you straight down to your knees

Carpe (with emphasis): “Immovable as ever, the Ghost still pointed downward to the grave.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I wonder whose grave this could be.”

Carpe (somberly): “And Evil EJ read upon the stone of the neglected grave his own name, Elvis DiMera, with the inscription that he died alone.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Just the funeral I’ve been waiting for.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future and Evil EJ stare at each other for nearly a full minute until Evil EJ walks towards the headstone and casually leans on it.

Evil EJ (smirking and raising an eyebrow): “If only.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing for several moments until it sighs loudly. Beaten, it removes its hood and reveals its actor, Gray EJ.

Gray EJ (sighing again): “I knew this wasn’t going to work.”

Evil EJ (listing): “Between Samantha, the twins, the new baby on the way, Father, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha, you, Prince Valiant, Dora the Goodness Explorer, Johnny 5 and his son, and the Ghoul That Wouldn’t Die, I’m lucky if I get a few moments alone to myself, much less have time to truly rest.”

Gray EJ (dejected): “True, but I practiced for weeks.”

Evil EJ walks over to Gray EJ and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “And it paid off. Come now, Gray EJ. You’re the only one who could have played this part. I was almost frightened there for a few moments.”

Gray EJ (asking): “But isn’t the whole point of this story that Scrooge is supposed to undergo a redemptive arc? That by the end he truly is a better man?”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “Because I learned that my nefarious deeds were leading me to my eternal damnation? Not this time. You know as well as I do, fencesitter, that fictional characters can never truly die. This is a reckoning that will never come to me nor any of us. We exist as we are forever.”

Carpe (elaborating): “Moreover, I write to entertain, not to educate. Since Evil EJ is the hero of this tale, wrong is right, and his untoward acts are to be enjoyed and celebrated. Go read the original if you want a traditional moral to the story.”

Evil EJ (vindicated): “You heard the woman.”

Gray EJ (sighing): “I suppose. And I bet you have some people to kill now, don’t you?”

Evil EJ (anticipating): “Yes, that does sound delicious, doesn’t it?”

Gray EJ (shifting in place): “Well, I’m going to go change then. This cloak thing is terribly itchy.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, I’ll see you at the cast party afterwards.”

Gray EJ (smiling): “Okay, have fun.”

Evil EJ (darkly): “I always do.”

Gray EJ swings his scythe and uses his Ghost of Christmas Future powers to send Evil EJ back to early Christmas morning.

Evil EJ (sarcastically as he gets out of bed): “It’s Christmas Day-I haven’t missed it! I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future! The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. Oh, Jacob Marley! Heaven and the Christmas Time be praised for this!”

Carpe (quickly): “Running to the window, he opened it, and put out his head. No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, and stirring. Cold, piping for the blood to dance to, golden sunlight, heavenly sky, sweet fresh air, merry bells. Oh, glorious! Glorious!”

Evil EJ (snidely): “I am as happy as an angel. A Merry Christmas to everybody! A Happy New Year to all the world!

Evil EJ sees a newcomer to town walking towards the DiMansion.

Evil EJ (nicely as he looks down): “Feliz Navidad, Señor. Hoy es un día maravilloso, no?”

Rafe (annoyed): “Speak English, you British fop.”

Evil EJ’s countenance darkens.

Evil EJ (less nicely): “Well, Ninja Turtle, your intelligence on current FBI matters was on point. I trust everything was in order for your payment.”

Rafe (more annoyed): “Yes, and I just came over here to tell you that I’m never doing that again no matter how much I need the money. I’m not your errand boy.”

Rafe starts to move away.

Evil EJ (calling down to him): “Your choice. But you forgot your tip.”

Rafe turns around and looks up only to see a black American Express Credit Card fly towards him. He stumbles backwards as the card lodges in his jugular vein and falls to the ground, cracking his skull open on the icy pavement.

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “No one touches Samantha but me.”

Carpe (smirking): “Having dispatched yet another unworthy rival, Evil EJ dressed himself all in his best, and at last got out into the streets. The people were by this time pouring forth, as he had seen them with the Ghosts of Christmas Presents and, walking with his hands behind him, Evil EJ regarded every one with a delighted smile.”

As Evil EJ determinedly walks down the street, he runs into Robo EJ pushing Baby Ernie in a stroller.

ROBO EJ (suddenly remembering he has lines): “EVIL EJ? CAN HAVE CHRISTMAS MON-”

Evil EJ (already anticipating the situation): “Here’s your check, you walking aluminum can.”

ROBO EJ (happily): “OH THANK YOU! ROBO EJ KNEW EVIL EJ NICE PERSON!”

Evil EJ (bending down and adjusting Ernie’s blanket): “And be more careful with young Ernie, will you? You don’t want him to get sick.”

ROBO EJ (grateful for the help): “YES, EVIL EJ! ROBO EJ LOVE SON ERNIE! ROBO EJ DO BETTER!”

Evil EJ continues to walk down the street only to see Brady coming towards him.

Brady (waving): “Hello, cousin! Have you recon-”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twQ7r5jIG60

Evil EJ watches as an icicle from one of the overhangs above falls and impales Brady in the chest. Pleased, he walks over to Brady.

Evil EJ (cheerfully): “Here, let me help you with that.”

Brady (in shock): “No, don’t! Don’t pull it ou-”

Blood gushes everywhere and Brady collapses as Evil EJ removes the icicle.

Evil EJ (considering): “Oh, well, yes, that wasn’t a very good idea, was it? Of course, that wasn’t very good writing either, but that’s Grey’s for you. Izzie and Denny the Stalking Ghost, please.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Nothing personal, but you do know how frosty distant family relations can be, cousin.”

Two for two, Evil EJ steps over Brady’s soon to be dead body and hurries to the Horton cabin. Inside, Sami and the twins are ready and waiting for him. Sami is dressed in a red Christmas dress and with matching coat in while the twins are in black and red snowsuits.

Sami (hugging him as she opens the door): “Oh, EJ!”

Evil EJ (peeking inside): “Is everyone ready to go?”

Sami (prepared): “Yes, we’re all set, and Will’s already so fed up with everything that he’s on his way back to Carrie and Austin’s in Switzerland.”

Evil EJ (pleased): “Excellent. Where’s Lucas?”

Sami (explaining): “He went to go get some hot chocolate from Starbucks before he went to work, but-wait, there he is.”

Sami and Evil EJ turn their heads to see Lucas coming towards them.

Evil EJ (turning around): “Merry Christmas, Lucas. May I have a word with you before we go to work this morning?”

Lucas (casually): “Sure, that’s fine with me.”

Evil EJ (to Sami): “Would you mind?”

Sami (smiling): “Of course not.”

Sami shuts the door, and both Lucas and Evil EJ take a few steps out into the middle of the street. Lucas then looks at Evil EJ.

Lucas (sipping his drink): “What’s up?”

Evil EJ (plainly): “Well first, I actually want to say that you’ve been an outstanding assistant to me lately.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “But more than that, I really appreciate how you’ve handled this whole situation between Samantha and myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and since it is the start of a new year soon, it is long over due for me to forgive you for everything that’s happened between us…and for me to genuinely mean it this time. Especially for you shooting me in the back at my wedding to Samantha.”

Lucas (nodding): “I appreciate that. I was only looking out for Sami, and I’m glad that you’re finally starting to warm up to me.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “You’re a good man, Lucas. Friends?”

Lucas looks at Evil EJ’s outstretched right hand.

Lucas (taking it): “Friends.”

A shot is heard as the two men shake hands, and, feeling a sharp pain in his chest, Lucas stares at Evil EJ in horror. Having fired at Lucas with his gun in his left hand, Evil EJ takes a step back and smirks.

Evil EJ (absolute zero): “Good. Because friends are all about returning favors.”



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OevVKRyGZu4

Lucas (falling to the ground): “You DiMera bas-”

Evil EJ (interrupting him): “What a beautiful day to bury the past, eh, sunshine?”

Thoroughly pleased, Evil EJ enjoys every moment of Lucas’ death spasms, slowly reholstering his weapon as he watches Lucas die bleeding on the frozen ground before him. He admires his work for several moments afterwards before Sami opens the door behind him.

Sami (looking at the corpse): “Now we’ll never have to worry about him bothering us again. Nicely done.”

Evil EJ (sighing happily): “You always know just what to say, darling.”

Ejami turns around and moves to gather their children. Sami picks up Johnny while Evil EJ holds Ali, and all four of them leave the cabin.



Sami (asking as they walk): “So it’s back to the mansion?”

Evil EJ (slyly): “Maybe…or I could give you your Christmas present.”

Sami (lighting up as she guesses): “You didn’t.”

Evil EJ (proudly): “I most certainly did.”

Sami (excited): “Oh, we have to go to the refuribished abandoned house then. But don’t you have to work today, EJ?”

Evil EJ grins at his beloved.

Evil EJ (warmly): “Of course not, my dear. It’s Christmas. Why else have minions? They have to work, not me.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2bLNkCqpuY

Around and around and back home again
To a place where we know we are loved

Evil EJ (beaming at Sami): “Unlike that insane idiot on that pretentious program, I don’t need a slideshow to remind me to appreciate you and our children, darling.”

Carpe (narrating): “And it was always said of Evil EJ that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, God bless us, everyone!”

Ejami (jointly): “Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, Ejami fans!”

Evil EJ (warmly): “Enjoy the festivities, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Carpe (stating the obvious): “Naughty and not nice then.”

Sami (smiling at Evil EJ): “Of course.”

Evil EJ (grinning back): “You wouldn’t have it any other way, sweetheart.”

You're My Best Friend

Having taken his best shot, Evil EJ takes off his combat gear, puts away his extra equipment, and sits down on his bed, patiently waiting for the next ghost.

Carpe (knowingly): “Ready?”

Evil EJ (in on it): “How could I not be?”

Happy Voice (excited): “Merry Christmas, Evil EJ!”

Surprised, Evil EJ turns his head to see a figure appear behind him. Laughing, Evil Crazy EJ walks around the bed and sits down next to Evil EJ while holding his Samantha doll.

Evil EJ (warmly): “Heh. Merry Christmas to you two as well.”

Evil Crazy EJ grins back at Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (sagely): “We surprised you!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Yes, you did. I wasn’t expecting you to show up on the opposite side of the bed, particularly when the script specified that you would show up in front of me.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding to his doll): “Darling, you were right-this was much more dramatic.”

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “We are the Ghosts of Christmas Presents!”

Evil EJ (correcting): “Present. Ghosts of Christmas Present.”

Evil Crazy EJ (disagreeing): “No, Christmas presents.”

Evil EJ (kindly): “We have discussed this before, Evil Crazy EJ. You and your wife are pretending to be the spirits of this moment, right now, which is the present time period.”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying to be nice): “Samantha thinks that is all well and good, Evil EJ, but we are giving you presents so we are the Ghosts of Christmas Presents.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, sweetheart, The Oho Man gave Scrooge lots of presents!”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Those were part of the feast for the celebration of Christmas, not his presents.”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at his Samantha and nods before speaking again.

Evil Crazy EJ (apologetically): “Samantha and I have discussed this issue at length, and we are both very sorry that we have to tell you this, Evil EJ, but you are wrong. We have watched the Muppet Christmas Carol movie more times than you have so we know what we are talking about.”

Evil EJ (letting it go): “Fine. On a more agreeable note, may I say Samantha looks absolutely stunning?”



Dressed in a matching suit, Evil Crazy EJ beams at his Samantha outfitted in a lovely silver Christmas formal evening gown.

Evil Crazy EJ (proudly): “Yes, you may! Samantha did not want to wear what The Oho Man does in the movie. She says there is no reason to wear an advent wreath on your head unless it is Saint Lucia’s Day, and she does not want to wear an icky bathrobe from K-Mart like him and you do either.”

Evil EJ (slightly annoyed): “I’ll have both of you know that not only is that robe surprisingly comfortable, I saved over thirty dollars on it.”

Evil Crazy EJ (ignoring him): “Now is time for presents!”



A small pile of presents appears on the bed next to Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (going with it): “I must admit, this paper is exquisite.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “Samantha is an expert gift wrapper.”

Evil EJ (opening his first present): “An online subscription to The Wall Street Journal. Thank you.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “You’re welcome!”

Evil EJ (thinking): “Considering that I normally read the print version, this wouldn’t be a subtle reminder about that Barbie computer game Samantha wants for Christmas, would it?”



Evil Crazy EJ (insulted): “Samantha would do no such thing, Evil EJ!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (stroking her hair): “Yes, you know better than to hint-it is number one on your Christmas list for Santa!”

Evil Crazy EJ gestures to two handbound volumes that have appeared next to him on the bed.

Evil EJ (eyeing the number of pages): “Hmmm, Santa has quite the reading material ahead of him. Would you mind telling me what you want the most from him this year?”



Evil Crazy EJ (sighing happily): “Elmo’s Farm starring popular Sesame Street characters Elmo, Cookie Monster, and Ernie! Perfect for pretending to drive the tractor and play with the happy farm animals! Samantha wants to have a farm petting zoo!”

Evil EJ (making a mental note): “That sounds very peaceful.”

Evil EJ (now opening his second present): “How wonderful. You can never have too many firearms.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happy): “Yes, we know you like guns!”

Evil EJ lifts the handgun in his right hand and looks at it carefully.

Evil EJ (hiding a smirk): “And this one is a beauty…expert craftsmanship…you know, I would swear it is almost exactly like the P47 Klobb that I keep hidden underneath the first aid kit in the east wing laundry room.”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (lying): “You must be mistaken, Evil EJ. We bought this for you.”

Evil EJ (pretending to believe him): “You did? Where?”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying to throw him off): “Samantha thinks that is a very a silly question, Evil EJ. Of course we went to a gun store.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Which one?”

Unsure of what to say next, Evil Crazy EJ consults his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (making their best guess): “Target.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Oh, well then. Clearly I am in error. I shall have to find that section of the store the next time we’re there.”

Evil Crazy EJ (relieved): “Yes, you should!”

Evil EJ puts the gun down on the side of the bed.

Evil EJ (opening his last gift): “Ah, a homemade coupon book with three coupons. The first one says that it is redeemable for some famous artwork.”

Evil Crazy EJ (handing Evil EJ a piece of construction paper): “And we happen to have it right here!”



Genuinely moved, Evil EJ stares down at the drawing for several moments and then smiles at Evil Crazy EJ.

Evil EJ (sincerely): “Thank you. This means a lot to me.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling at his wife): “We knew you would like it, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ (reading his second coupon): “This coupon says it is good for one hour of psychic television.”

Evil EJ (puzzled): “May I inquire as to how this is different from when the three of us usually watch The Mentalist?”



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86_u1ZkRrbU

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “We will make you snacks and bring you a tasty beverage to enjoy. And Samantha promises to not talk about how Patrick is a golden angel during the reveal of the murderer causing Evil EJ to miss the end of the show.”

Evil EJ (casually): “Well, I would prefer her theories about his magical hair to be kept to the time I am fast forwarding the commercials.”

Evil EJ (reading his last coupon): “This coupon says I have to pass a test.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, this is the message part of the story! Can you help the less fortunate?”



Evil EJ (squinting): “I see that fine print on this stipulates something about a shopping spree?”

Evil Crazy EJ (answering): “Yes, you get to take us to Target and buy Samantha as many new outfits as she wants!”

Evil EJ looks at Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll.

Evil EJ (dryly): “How generous of me.”

Suddenly Evil Crazy EJ leans over so he and his Samantha can hug Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (ecstatic): “Yes, we thought so! We knew you could do it! Samantha and I believed in you! You are a very smart person, Evil EJ!”

Amused at their reasoning, Evil EJ hugs them back for several moments before he pulls away.

Evil Crazy EJ (getting up): “Samantha and I are very happy you enjoyed your presents, Evil EJ! Now it’s time for the food!”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha move towards the dining room, and Evil EJ moves to follow them.

Carpe (narrating): “The room had undergone a surprising transformation. The walls and ceiling were so hung with living green, that it looked a perfect grove; from every part of which bright gleaming berries glistened. The crisp leaves of holly, mistletoe, and ivy reflected back the light, as if so many little mirrors had been scattered there; and such a mighty blaze went roaring up the chimney as that dull petrifaction of a hearth had never known in Evil EJ’s time.”



Evil EJ eyes all the candy, cookies, baked goods, chips, and junk food arrayed on the table.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Samantha and I used our Ghosts of Christmas Presents powers to make all this food!”

Evil EJ (considering the spread): “None of this is even remotely healthy, is it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (appalled): “Oh, no, Evil EJ. We made sure this was all food you would actually want to eat.”

Evil EJ (not touching any of it): “I see.”

Evil Crazy EJ glances down at his Samantha and grins.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Yes, Samantha! It is Christmas morning! Now we get to go outside and sing with the idiotic townspeople!”

With amazing quickness, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha bolt outside, and Evil EJ is forced to sprint in order to keep up.

Carpe (narrating): “In the city streets on Christmas morning, the people made a rough, but brisk and not unpleasant kind of music.”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha smile broadly as they sing, and Evil EJ is unable to suppress one of his own as they lead him down the street.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfK_K0_YxCM

It’s all the ways that we show love
That feel like Christmas

A part of childhood we’ll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
Yes, when you do your best for love
It feels like Christmas

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear

It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year

Carpe (narrating): “And perhaps it was the pleasure the good Spirits had in showing off this power of theirs, or else it was their own kind, generous, hearty nature, that led Evil EJ straight to the Horton cabin.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “I pity the town’s cartographer.”

Carpe (irritated): “Do you want to waste time or do you want to get this over with?”

Evil Crazy EJ, his Samantha, and Evil EJ stop in front of the Horton cabin’s front window and peer inside where Lucas and Sami are standing in the middle of the living room. Lucas is holding a ceramic mug.

Lucas (too loudly): “This is the worst hot chocolate ever.”

Sami (hissing): “Lucas, be quiet! You’ll wake Johnny and Ali.”



Tiny Will (entering the room): “What has mom done now?”

Lucas (shaking his head): “Only waste all the milk on something that takes like burnt toast.”

Sami (making a face): “You see? This is why we’re not together anymore. It’s not that bad.”

Tiny Will (rolling his eyes): “Yeah, right. Come on, mom-you always screw up.”

Lucas (agreeing): “Admit it, Sami. You do always manage to make a mess of things.”

Sami (irritated): “You don’t like it, make your own!”

Sami moves over towards the door as Evil EJ stiffens and pulls away from the window.

Evil EJ (seething): “How touching.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing Evil EJ’s inflection): “No, Evil EJ! The neighbor lady needs your help! She does not want to be with Lucas and stupid Will-she is not happy. She wants to be with you and play with your kids and wait for your new baby!”

Evil EJ (moving over to lean on the door): “All true, but I believe this is the part of the story where through Tiny Tim’s health problems and the Cratchit’s poor financial situation, Scrooge is shown the error of his ways along with the true meaning of Christmas.”

Hearing this, Evil Crazy EJ frowns and consults his Samantha. After several moments, he looks up.

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “Samantha does not think that is right, Evil EJ. She thinks you are supposed to kill Lucas.”

Evil EJ (eyes lighting up): “Your wife is a very wise woman. I certainly wouldn’t want to disappoint her.”

Evil Crazy EJ (vindicated): “Samantha knew you wouldn’t!”

Evil EJ straightens his scarf and knocks on the cabin door as Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha run off.

Evil Crazy EJ (carefully carrying his wife): “Ehehehe…yes, Samantha, this is the part where we go hide!”

Sami’s eyes widen as she opens the door for Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (taking her hand): “Hello, darling. How are you? How’s the baby?”

Sami (glad that he’s there): “We’re both fine. Annoyed, but fine.”

Evil EJ (moving closer to her): “Good.”



Ejami kisses for several minutes.

Sami (opening her eyes): “EJ?”

Evil EJ (stroking her hair): “Yes, Samantha?”

Sami (giggling slightly): “We can’t do this here.”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Then let’s go inside.”

Sami (giggling slightly): “No, I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to, but we do have the plot to consider.”

Evil EJ (frowning): “Do we?”

Sami (also not pleased): “Yes, we do. I mean, if you want this to be over faster so we can be together.”

Lucas (poking at the fire): “Fine. Go ahead, make out with him. It’s not like you didn’t do that all throughout our marriage.”

Evil EJ (looking over at Lucas): “Has that waste of flesh been like this the entire time?”

Sami (sighing): “Yes, unfortunately. I think he’s worried about his idiot Chloe.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I can’t imagine why.”

Evil EJ stares at Sami for several moments before reluctantly moving away.

Evil EJ (leaning in one more time to kiss Sami on the cheek): “But you’re right. I’ll be back later, sweetheart.”

Sami (dismayed as she closes the door): “You’re not going to hurt Lucas first?”

Evil EJ (winking): “Patience.”

With great effort, Evil EJ moves away from the Horton cabin and crosses his arms as he stands in the street.

Evil EJ (impatiently): “Well?"

Only silence greets him.

Evil EJ (looking upward): “I am currently not with my beloved Samantha in order for this infuriating story to move forward. Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha should be here to take me back to the DiMansion.”

Carpe (not wanting to admit it): “They’re not cooperating.”



Evil EJ (sneering): “What do you mean they’re not cooperating? You’re the omnipotent author, you incompetent hack.”

Carpe (defensively): “You’re only one they always listen to, and they say they’d rather not have to stop playing Disney Princess: Enchanted Journey on the computer just to show up for two lines.”

Evil EJ (thoughtfully): “They do love that program. Evil Crazy EJ has spent hours designing new outfits with his Samantha.”

Carpe (scrambling): “We’re almost done, so I’ll just have the last ghost meet you here for the next part. Hang on.”

Evil EJ (under his breath): “One more chapter.”

History Is Written By The Victors

Having stymied his author, Evil EJ waits for her to continue.

Carpe (improvising): “Suddenly not tired, Evil EJ stood in place as he listened for the hour.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbERptUOXfk

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “Now that’s just sad.”

Carpe (defensive): “I needed a transition.”

Carpe (continuing): “Evil EJ stood in this state until the chime had gone three quarters more when he remembered on a sudden that the ghost had warned him of a visitation when the bell tolled one.”

Evil EJ (triumphantly): “The hour itself, and nothing else!”

A being shimmers into place before Evil EJ.



Carpe (narrating): “It was a strange figure. For, as its belt sparkled and glittered, now in one part and now in another, and what was light one instant at another time was dark, so the figure itself fluctuated in its distinctness. And, in the very wonder of this, it would be itself again; distinct and clear as ever.”

Evil EJ (questioning): “Are you the spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?”

Hero EJ (answering): “I am!”

Carpe (adding detail): “The voice was soft and gentle.”

Evil EJ (another question): “Who and what are you?”

Hero EJ (pompously): “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

At this declaration, Evil EJ walks over to Hero EJ and puts his arm around his shoulders.

Evil EJ (seriously): “I must say, Hero EJ, I’m very proud of you. Gender reassignment surgery is such a courageous choice, and-”

Infuriated at the insinuation, Hero EJ grabs Evil EJ’s arm, twists him upside down, and flings him across the room. Evil EJ hits the opposing wall with a loud thud and rests on the floor for a moment as he winces in pain.

Evil EJ (not happy): “What happened to home field advantage?”

Carpe (informatively): “Just because the house heavily favors you doesn’t mean you’re going to win every bet.”

Hero EJ (smirking): “Your reclamation has arrived.”

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “I’ll reclamate someone, all right.”

On guard, Evil EJ pulls himself into a sitting position.

Evil EJ (eyeing Hero EJ as he speaks): “You are here for the long past?”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “No. Your past.”

Hero EJ walks over to Evil EJ and offers his hand.

Hero EJ (smiling): “Shall we, sunshine?”

Evil EJ (not taking it as he gets up): “Indeed.”



Hero EJ uses his Ghost of Christmas Past powers to bring himself and Evil EJ into the past, arriving at a lake at a very familiar summer resort.

Hero EJ (explaining): “These are but shadows of the things that have been. They have no consciousness of us.”

Evil EJ (not trusting him): “Says the man dressed as Legolas’ sexually confused twin brother.”

Both Hero EJ and Evil EJ watch as Stefano tries to push away a younger version of themselves dressed in swim trunks as he clings to his father for dear life.

Toddler EJ (afraid): “No, father.”

Stefano (insistent): “Yes, Elvis.”

Toddler EJ (shaking his head): “No.”

Stefano (not patient): “Elvis, let go of my hand. You know what happens when you defy me.”

Toddler EJ (not obeying): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (showing his reasoning): “This is an important part of your training. The water can hurt you, my son, but you have to embrace your fear in order to conquer it.”

Toddler EJ (up to his neck in water): “No. I don’t want to, father.”

Stefano (firmly): “It doesn’t matter what you want. Now, Elvis, I want you to let go of my hand.”

Toddler EJ (terrified of the waves lapping at him): “No.”

Stefano looks at his son for a moment before forcefully removing his hand from his offspring’s, grabbing him by the back of the neck, and plunging him face first into the water.

Hero EJ (covering his eyes at the sight): “I can’t watch. It’s too painful.”

Evil EJ (more uncomfortable than he’d like): “Subtle is not our lethargic author’s strong suit, eh?”

Hero EJ (refusing to peek through his fingers): “Oh, I really don’t want to remember any of this.”

Evil EJ (clenching his jaw): “I’m betting this is it as she won’t want to give away anything else that she can use in Damaged if she ever gets around to finishing it.”

Carpe (ready to move on): “When, not if, and yes, this isn’t the place for that.”

Exhaling in relief, Hero EJ brings himself and Evil EJ forward in the timeline to a certain apartment hallway.



Flashback Sami (liking what she’s seeing): “And you are?

Flashback EJ (extending his hand): “I’m EJ.”

Flashback Sami (taking it and pulling him close to her): “I’m Sami…and I’m yours.”

Flashback EJ (wrapping his arm around her waist): “You should know I’m a DiMera.”

Flashback Sami (moving her lips towards his): “Even better.”

As Flashback Ejami kisses, Hero EJ looks over at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (grinning): “Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday.”

Hero EJ (flatly): “That’s not what happened.”

Evil EJ (mock confusion): “It’s not?”

The scene shifts as Hero EJ and Evil EJ move forward in time.



Flashback Sami (holding his hand): “This is lovely, EJ. Who knew Paris was so beautiful at Christmas?”

Flashback EJ (smirking): “I might have had some indication the City of Lights had something to offer you this time of year, darling.”

Flashback Sami (corner of her mouth turning up): “I’ll bet.”

Flashback EJ (grinning as he looks at her): “I’m always thinking of you.”

Flashback Sami (smiling back): “You are, aren’t you?”

Still holding her hand, Flashback EJ takes a step back and gets down on one knee as Flashback Sami watches in surprise.

Flashback EJ (sincerely): “Yes, sweetheart. Samantha…you’re the only woman in the world who could have made me into the man I am today.”

Flashback EJ deftly slips a ring onto Flashback Sami’s finger.

Flashback EJ (softly as he looks into her eyes): “Will you marry me?”

Flashback Sami stares at Flashback EJ for a moment.

Flashback Sami (grabbing onto him): “YES!!!”

Flashback EJ (holding her tight as he closes his eyes): “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Hero EJ rolls his eyes at Evil EJ as Flashback Ejami hugs.

Evil EJ (pretending to dab his eyes with his handkerchief): “It’s just…so beautiful.”

Hero EJ (annoyed): “That didn’t happen either!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Oh, come now, do you really want to relive our actual history on this show? The illustriously idiotic events we’ve been a party to? The ‘rape?’ The cabin or freezer incidents? All the other insulting plotting? This is what should have happened, and you know it.”

Hero EJ (admitting): “Well, you have me there. But even with all that, everything was wonderful was until you decided to dump Sami for Nicole.”

Evil EJ (crossing his arms): “I did nothing of the sort. That walking corpse did.”

Hero EJ (hurt): “I told you these were shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me!”

Evil EJ (ice cold): “I don’t. I hold the writers responsible.”



Hero EJ and Evil EJ come upon Zombie Dallas EJ and Nicole in sitting on a bench in Salem Park after a recent snowfall. Nicole is tugging on Zombie Dallas EJ’s coat sleeve while he is trying to speak to her.

Zombie Dallas EJ (seriously): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “You always tell me how smart I am, EJ. I know, I’m so great! That’s why I get all the screentime on the show. Everyone loves me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (trying again): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “Yes, I know, baby cakes, I’m so intelligent. That’s one of the many things people adore about me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (making pouty face): “Brain?”

Nicole (talking): “The ratings and demographics are just wrong! Fortunately TPTB know how fantastic I am and write for me all the time. People need to have me on five days a week and in every single storyline always!”

Aghast at the sickening display, Evil EJ rolls his eyes while Hero EJ shifts uncomfortably.

Zombie Dallas EJ (trouble holding back): “Brain!”

Nicole (still talking): “Yes, yes, I’m such a good girl! There’s never been such a breathtaking woman like me on the show, especially not Sa-”

Nicole’s words are cut short as blood abruptly appears in the middle of her forehead, and her body falls backward onto the bench. Surprised, Hero EJ turns to his side to see Evil EJ lower his right arm, his hand holding his gun complete with silencer that has just been used to permanently quiet Nicole.

Hero EJ (looking upward as he raises his hands in the air): “Oh, COME ON!”

There is a faint sound akin to muffled snickering.

Evil EJ (mock apologetically to Hero EJ): “I’m sorry-did you want to kill her?”

Seeing Nicole’s skull cracked open and its contents spread all over the bench and the snow drift behind it, Zombie Dallas EJ looks hopefully at Evil EJ.

Zombie Dallas EJ (excitedly): “Brain?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Certainly. It’s not as if she was using it. But you get any of that on either of us, the next one will be for you.”

Zombie Dallas EJ (ecstatic): “BRAIN!!!!”

As Zombie Dallas EJ munches on Nicole’s corpse, Evil EJ confronts Hero EJ.

Evil EJ (insulted): “You chose Nicole for Belle?!”

Hero EJ (stating the obvious): “Who else would it have been? Kate? She couldn’t be Samantha since Scrooge doesn’t end up with Belle.”

Evil EJ (still not satisfied): “Belle is supposed to be Scrooge’s soulmate. How dare you defile our love for our Samantha!”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No more than the show has with all its Ejole pimping. And Belle, well…she’s a spiteful, ungrateful woman. I mean, she dumps Scrooge for not buying them a house to live in as a couple when he’s just being fiscally responsible. And all that ‘you used to love me’ passive aggressive baiting of him. It’s pathetic.”

Evil EJ (considering Hero EJ): “Yes, she is quite the insipid twit. I admit I’m surprised we agree on this, elf boy. Perhaps you aren’t so hopeless, after all.”

Evil EJ (looking upward): “And no, that wasn’t an invitation to link to that maudlin ‘When Love Is Gone’ song. There’s a reason Disney left that out of the widescreen DVD release.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I wouldn’t dare. Way too bitter. I have something else in mind.”

http://www.imeem.com/people/p4rKj2/m...es_cant_dance/

And they’re coming through the door
And up through the floor
And it comes to me
That zombies can’t dance

Evil EJ (grinning): “How delightfully inappropriate.”

Hero EJ (considering): “I wonder how factually accurate that song is.”

Evil EJ (interest piqued): “Let’s find out, shall we?”

Zombie Dallas EJ looks up from his meal as Evil EJ gestures with his gun slightly.

Evil EJ (matter of fact): “That wasn’t a request.”

Taking the overt hint, Zombie Dallas EJ moves away from Nicole’s half-eaten body and begins a routine as he’s joined by numerous extras.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Xs9OQHpwDE

And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller

Hero EJ (cringing): “Is that really dancing?”

Evil EJ (pointing): “Bring on the control group!”



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zeR3NSYcHk

All eyes on me
In the center of the ring
Just like a circus
Get a real tight grip
Everybody don’t trip
Just like a circus

After the flourish of the song, both real EJs are left unimpressed.

Hero EJ (dismayed): “Apparently so.”

Evil EJ (gritting his teeth): “We are not settling for this.”



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6udDtEuTLlc

Both Evil EJ and Hero EJ smile as Flashback Sami rests in Flashback EJ’s arms at the conclusion of their dancing.

Hero EJ (sighing): “The tango and the abandoned house dancing were lovely.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Indeed. We fit together with Samantha perfectly.”

Evil EJ (digging): “You do know that is your worst montage, don’t you? I’m shocked you didn’t break the internet in half with the sped up clips.”

Carpe (irritated): “It’s also my first. And if the show stopped being conceited and started being entertaining again, I’d make some more with the new material.”

Having explored Evil EJ’s past, Hero EJ returns himself and Evil EJ to Evil EJ’s room at the DiMera mansion in the present timeline.

Hero EJ (trying to be nice): “Well, our trip through your past is complete. It was…interesting. And of course you learned absolutely nothing, I suppose.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Are you leaving?”

Hero EJ (nodding as he yawns): “Yes. My time grows short.”

Taking advantage of his companion’s relaxation, Evil EJ suddenly raises his gun and fires at Hero EJ. Completely shocked, Hero EJ activates his Ghost of Christmas Past powers and disappears before the bullet can hit him, leaving the shot to move through empty air before lodging in the wall. Disappointed, Evil EJ stares at the impact point for several seconds and then reluctantly reholsters his weapon.

Evil EJ (frustrated): “Not even in a parody.”

So Close Yet So Far

Carpe (thinking): “So where were we?”

Evil EJ (snidely): “If that doesn’t inspire confidence in the narrative, I don’t know what will.”

Carpe (ignoring him): “At length the end of the day arrived. With an ill-will Evil EJ left his business and took his melancholy dinner in his usual melancholy tavern, the Brady Pub. Having read the good parts of the newspapers including USA Today’s hilariously unintentionally poor Friday movie reviews, he went home. He lived in chambers that were a gloomy suite of rooms, old enough now and dreary enough. Just as Evil EJ was about to open the mansion’s front door, he saw it.”



Carpe (continuing): “Marley's face. It was not in impenetrable shadow, but had a dismal light about it. It was not angry or ferocious. The hair was curiously stirred, as if by breath of hot air; and, though the eyes were wide open, they were perfectly motionless. That, and its livid color, made it horrible; but its horror seemed to be in spite of the face, and beyond its control, rather than a part of its own expression.”

Evil EJ (unafraid): “That’s it?”

Carpe (continuing): “As Evil EJ looked fixedly at this phenomenon, it was a knocker again. In Evil EJ went, not caring a button for that. Darkness is cheap, and Evil EJ liked it. But before he went up to his room, he walked through the rooms closest to him. Bathroom, bedroom, sitting room. All as they should be. Quite satisfied, he went upstairs, entered his room, closed his door, and sat down before the fireplace when he suddenly heard a low moaning sound.”

Evil EJ (getting up again): “Humbug!”

The moaning is now accompanied by faint chiming.

Evil EJ (walking across the room): “It's humbug still. I won't believe it.”

Evil EJ listens as both the moaning and chiming increase in volume.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX-KjkdDozQ

For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls

Evil EJ (deadpan): “Ah, yes, the obligatory Metallica reference. Perhaps you would like to waste several moments gushing over their four Grammy nominations, eh?”

Carpe (defensive): “Would you rather listen to ‘Carol of the Bells’?”

Evil EJ (firmly): “If you’re wasting time plugging your musical obsession, then I’m done playing around.”

The decision made, Evil EJ opens one of his numerous weapon lockers and suits up for supernatural combat.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVEHYYUHEwo

Ready for anything, Evil EJ leaves his room. Searching for the source of the noise, he sweeps the interior of the mansion and takes out several minor apparitions with his combat shotgun before running into a familiar figure.



Evil EJ (surprised): “Father.”

Stefano (seeing what the noise was): “Elvis, what in the devil’s name are you doing up at this hour wandering the halls like some sort of crazed ninja?”

Evil EJ (sheepishly): “I’m…I’m hunting a ghost, father.”

Stefano looks at his son.

Stefano (raising an eyebrow): “Sawed off shotgun loaded with rock salt?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Handgun with anti-electromagnetic rounds?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Backup dagger with iron hilt?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Lighter and matches?

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Waterproof and regular.”

Stefano (continuing): “Ectoplasm resistant clothing and crucifix?”

Evil EJ pulls down the collar of his black fleece zip-up to show the cross around his neck.

Stefano (so far so good): “Copy of ‘Exorcisms and Certain Supplications?’”

Evil EJ (proudly): “English and Latin editions. Both memorized.”

Stefano (last item): “‘Encyclopedia of Spirits’ in the original translation?”

Evil EJ thinks for a moment.

Evil EJ (angry at himself): “Dammit, I knew I forgot something.”

Stefano (disappointed): “Elvis, what did I train you for if you cannot even remember the simplest of preparations when confronting otherworldly phenomena?”

Stefano moves over to a nearby bookcase, presses a button, and retrieves a copy of the reference from a stack of books tucked away behind a hidden panel.



Evil EJ (bowing after he accepts the book): “Sumimasen, otousan.”

Stefano (going back to bed): “Konbanwa, Elvis-chan.”

Evil EJ watches his father leave and then resumes his hunt for the source of the moaning and chiming. After several more minutes of searching, he sees a shadowy figure as he rounds a corner. Body tensed, Evil EJ hides behind the edge of the wall and readies his shot as the being moves towards him.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4zoXO7UvC0

I shot the sheriff
But I swear it was in self-defense
If I am guilty
I will pay

Stupid Voice (bad Jamaican accent): “Don’t be hating, mon!”

Dumfounded, Evil EJ lowers his shotgun as he looks at Good EJ walk up to him wearing fake dreadlocks and a white ‘Visit Jamaica’ t-shirt.

Good EJ (even worse): “Take it easy!”

Evil EJ stares at Good EJ in shock as he holsters his shotgun on his back.

Evil EJ (flabbergasted): “Good EJ, just who exactly do you think you are pretending to be?”

Good EJ smiles at Evil EJ.

Good EJ (plainly as he drops character): “Bob Marley. Your late business partner.”

Aghast at his shiny counterpart’s idiocy, Evil EJ sighs audibly. He then takes off his combat backpack and rummages in it for a copy of the script. Moving over to Good EJ, Evil EJ flips to the second chapter and shows Good EJ the error of his ways.

Evil EJ (pointing): “Jacob Marley. Not Bob Marley, Rainbow Brite.”

Good EJ (taking off his wig): “Ohhhhhh. My mistake.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “You thought nothing of a Rastafarian in the 1840s?”

Good EJ (honestly): “Why not? We live in a very diverse society.”

Evil EJ (irritated): “Heaven forbid you actually read the script and not just glance at it during the commercial breaks of 'Ellen.'”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C64ZYuR7PuQ

Good EJ smiles apologetically, and Evil EJ’s eyes widen as he realizes as his wisecrack was correct.

Good EJ (backing up slowly): “But Dennis Quaid was on, and it was really funny. You see, there was a hidden camera, and he went into Starbucks and he was really obnoxiousness saying ‘I am Dennis Quaid-I was nominated for a Golden Globe’ and-”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFBHPbEtfqA

His patience run out, Evil EJ abruptly pistol whips Good EJ and then reholsters his weapon as he chokes his lighter doppelganger.

Good EJ (unable to break Evil EJ’s hold): “I’m sorry, Evil EJ! I’m sorry! Please stop hurting me!”

Evil EJ (darkly): “I haven’t begun hurting you, you pathetic waste of flesh.”

Carpe (breaking in): “Ah, yes, the beloved part of the classic story where Ebenezer Scrooge strangles the ghost of his old business partner-OH WAIT.”

At the interruption, Evil EJ stops choking Good EJ.

Carpe (reluctant): “As much as this personally amuses me, you’re avoiding the plot.”

Evil EJ (challenging): “You can’t actually expect Sugar Bumps here to genuinely frighten me.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I’ll settle for mild indifference. Now get back on track.”

Reluctantly stepping away from Good EJ, Evil EJ crosses his arms and begins.

Evil EJ (seething): “How now? What do you want with me?”

Taking Evil EJ’s copy of the script off the floor, Good EJ frantically flips through it attempting to find his lines.

Evil EJ (taking the opportunity to skip ahead): “Dreadful apparition, why do you trouble me?”

Good EJ (reading directly from the script): “It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow men, and, if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world-oh, woe is me!-and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth and turned to happiness!”

Carpe (seriously): “The spectre raised a cry and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands.”

Lacking the proper prop, Good EJ just shrugs.

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “You are fettered. Tell me why?”

Good EJ (apologetically): “I wear the chain I forged in life…well, um, metaphorically, I guess.”

Evil EJ (flatly): “Indeed. Jacob! Old Jacob Marley, tell me more! Speak comfort to me, Jacob!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsiKOJOXMJU

Good EJ smiles reassuringly at Evil EJ and moves towards him.

Good EJ (reaching over to hug Evil EJ): “It’s okay, Evil EJ. We’re just pretending. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Evil EJ (sneering as he pushes Good EJ away): “I’m not actually afraid, you indolent imbecile!”

Good EJ (feelings hurt): “Oh. Um, I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot linger anywhere as weary journeys lie before me!”

Carpe (seriously): “The ghost set up another cry, and clanked its chain so hideously in the dead silence of the night, that the ward would have been justified in indicting it for a nuisance.”

Good EJ (not really putting enough emotion into it): “Oh, captive, bound, and double-ironed! Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities misused! Yet such was I! Oh, such was I!”

Evil EJ (sarcastically): “But you were always a good man of business, Jacob. And annoyingly so.”

Good EJ (still not enough): “Business! Mankind was my business! Hear me! My time is nearly gone.”

Evil EJ (with contempt): “Thank goodness.”

Good EJ (reading): “How it is that I appear before you in a shape that you can see, I may not tell. I have sat invisible beside you many and many a day.”

Evil EJ (with contempt): “Pervert.”

Good EJ (too quickly): “That is no light part of my penance. I am here tonight to warn you that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring. You will be haunted by three spirits. Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the path I tread. Expect the first later tonight when the bell tolls one.”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “How about I take them all at once and get this over with?”

Carpe (flatly): “No one’s getting out of this early.”

Good EJ (lacking flourish): “"Look to see me no more, and look that, for your own sake, you remember what has passed between us!”

Attempting a dramatic exit, Good EJ runs off. At the surprised shout a few moments later, Evil EJ closes his eyes and sighs as Good EJ trips down the stairs.

Carpe (seriously): “And being, from the emotion he had undergone, or the fatigues of the day, or his glimpse of the Invisible World, or the dull conversation of the ghost, or the lateness of the hour, much in need of repose, Evil EJ went straight to bed without undressing, and fell asleep upon the instant.”

Evil EJ (defiantly standing in place): “No, he didn’t.”

Carpe (giving in): “Fine.”

Because I Can’t Give You a New "EJ is Funny" Montage This Year

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zm7EeuWnc-8

Woman’s Voice (disembodied): “Welcome to an Ejami Christmas Carol.”



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBthi_An5qQ

And the worst of the worst
The most hated and cursed
Is the one that we call Elvis

Sinister Voice (very familiar): “I most certainly hope so.”

Outfitted in all black except for a blindingly white scarf to add a bit of panache, Elvis DiMera, otherwise known as Evil EJ, flairs his cape dramatically as he comes to a stop at a corner after walking down one of Salem’s snowcovered streets.

Carpe (narrating): “Marley was dead, to begin with.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “Ah, yes, Dickens’ annual classic. Because why insult just one property when you can rip off two?”

Carpe (ignoring him): “And thus Evil EJ was the sole proprietor of their once shared enterprise. He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Evil EJ! A squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, young sinner.”

Evil EJ (interrupting): “The reason she started this before December is because it’s going to be at least Valentine’s Day by the time she finishes the damn thing.”

Carpe (still ignoring): “Evil EJ liked the-”

Evil EJ (pressing the point): “Say, how is Damaged coming along?”

Carpe (defensive): “I’ll get to it! I’m busy!”

Evil EJ (mockingly): “‘Do I have him whine about his upbringing or cry this chapter? I just can’t decide.’”

Carpe (too loudly): “Evil EJ liked the cold. Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster.”

Evil EJ (correcting): “Except for his Samantha.”

Carpe (agreeing): “But of course. And today, as he did every day, he confidently strode to his place of business.”

Evil EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Yes, what exactly is it that I do here in pseudo-1843 Salem?”

Carpe (getting annoyed): “Turn around.”

Evil EJ spins around to see his business before him, Ye Olde Mythic Communications.

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Not funny.”

Evil EJ enters the large building and sees all of his employees already hard at work around the open style office.

Evil EJ (smiling): “Good Morning, maggots.”

Seeing that their boss has arrived, his employees hide and cower in fear.

Evil EJ (smiling): “What, no warm welcome? Remind me to torture you for that after the fiscal year ends.”

Lucas Horton, Evil EJ’s administrative assistant, comes over and hands him several files and papers.

Evil EJ (idly): “Yes, lapdog?”

Lucas (pointing out information): “Here’s the current quarter’s projections, the emails you need to respond to, and a new press release from one of our competitors. I’ve also highlighted the most important parts of the memos you need to approve.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “How surprisingly competent of you. Keep this up, and perhaps I might give you the occasional lunch break.”

A man enters the building as Lucas goes back to his desk.

Brady (cheerful): “A merry Christmas, cousin! God save you!”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Don’t remind me. Bah! Humbug!”

Brady (still cheerful): “Christmas a humbug, cousin? You don't mean that, I am sure.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “Quit calling me that, idiot. Merry Christmas? What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You're stupid enough.”

Brady (nicely): “What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You're smart enough.”

Evil EJ (intensely): “Who said I was depressed, you insolent junkie?”

Brady (ignoring the insult): “I’ve come to invite you to Christmas dinner.”

Evil EJ (wondering): “What Christmas dinner?”

Brady (shrugging): “Whatever one TPTB have me at.”

Evil EJ (factual): “You don’t really want me there.”

Brady (ignoring the insult): “Well, no, but since my father won’t be around on the show much longer, I figured I’d cut my losses.”

Evil EJ (considering): “Admirable. But pointless.”

Brady (kindly): “"I want nothing from you. I ask nothing of you. Why cannot we be friends?"

Evil EJ (stating the obvious): “You’re a moronic drug addict.”

Brady (waving as he gives up for now): “Perhaps, but the invitation is still open. So Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!”

Evil EJ (vehemently): “Bah! Humbug!”

As Brady leaves, another figure enters the building.

Robo EJ (mechanical voice): “HELLO. ROBO EJ HAVE PLEASURE OF ADDRESSING EVIL EJ?”

Evil EJ (annoyed): “You do.”

Robo EJ (nicely): “ROBO EJ NEED MONEY SO POOR PEOPLE CAN BUY CHRISTMAS FOOD AND PRESENTS.”

Evil EJ cringes at Robo EJ’s bad acting.

Evil EJ (reciting his line anyway): “Are there no prisons?”

Robo EJ (not following): “WHAT THAT DO WITH CHRISTMAS MONEY?”

Evil EJ (sighing): “And the Union workhouses? Are they still in operation?"

Robo EJ (still not following): “NO, ROBO EJ WANT CHRISTMAS DONATION!”

Evil EJ (closing his eyes for a moment): “The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigor, then?”

Robo EJ (confused): “WHAT IS LAWS? EVIL EJ NOT HEAR ROBO EJ?”

Evil EJ (opening his eyes): “Oh, I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course. I am very glad to hear it.”

Robo EJ (baffled): “OKAY THEN-HOW MUCH CHRISTMAS MONEY EVIL EJ GIVE?”

Evil EJ (savoring the line): “Nothing!”

ROBO EJ (genuinely hurt): “ROBO EJ THINKS THIS NOT TRUE. EVIL EJ NICE PERSON. EVIL EJ BUY EVIL CRAZY EJ TOYS ALL THE TIME.”

Evil EJ (getting angry): “I wish to be left alone, you moronic bucket of bolts. I don't make merry myself at Christmas, and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned-they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there."

ROBO EJ (wondering): “GO WHERE? EVIL CRAZY EJ LIVES WITH EVIL EJ AND ALL EJS.”

Evil EJ (with relish): “If they would rather die, they had better do it and decrease the surplus population.”

Evil EJ takes out his gun and fingers the safety longingly.

Evil EJ (eyes lighting up): “Or I’ll do it myself.”

At the sight of Evil EJ’s firearm, Robo EJ backs away.

Robo EJ (hesitantly): “ROBO EJ THINK EVIL EJ IN BAD MOOD AND WILL COME BACK LATER FOR CHRISTMAS MONEY.”

Robo EJ leaves the building as Evil EJ reholsters his gun and Lucas comes over to him.

Lucas (annoyed): “You’re a real jerk, you know that?”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “What a startling observation, Lucas. Do you have any other wonderful insights you’d like to share with me?”

Lucas (questioning): “No, but I was wondering if I could take tomorrow off.”

Evil EJ (instantly): “Of course not, you pathetic twit.”

Lucas (pleading): “But tomorrow is Christmas Day.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Your point?”

Lucas (pleading): “Well, Chloe’s at her parents’ for the week, and Will flew in from Switzerland, so Sami and I were going to have a traditional Horton Christmas with him and Ali and Johnny.”

Evil EJ glares at Lucas.

Evil EJ (seething): “All the more reason for you to work.”

Lucas (volcanic as he goes back to his desk): “I’ll shoot you again for this, you evil DiMera.”

Evil EJ (challenging): “I’d like to see you try.”

Evil EJ (louder to the rest of his employees): “And that goes for all of you.”

There is an angry shout from the back corner of the main room.

Nick (not taking it anymore): “I’m not putting up with your crap, old man! You either give me Christmas off, or I’ll ice you the way I did Trent and Willow!”

Evil EJ merely looks at Nick.

Evil EJ (easily): “Okay.”

Nick (surprised): “Okay?”

Evil EJ (sweetly): “Yes, you’ve utterly convinced me of the error of my ways with that intimidating threat. You’re free to take the day off. Heck, why don’t you get an early start and leave now?”

Nick (getting up): “Damn right I will.”

Triumphant, Nick gathers his messenger bag and heads towards the door. Once he reaches it, the corner of Evil EJ’s mouth turns up.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G6BCP2dfqE

There is a horrific scream as Nick falls down the hidden trap door that is wirelessly activated from Evil EJ’s hidden Blackberry.

Evil EJ (casually): “Anyone else object to working on Christmas? Anyone? Bueller?”

Only silence answers him.

Evil EJ (casually): “Excellent. Now get back to work, or I’ll strangle all of you.”

Content with his handling of his employees, Evil EJ travels to his office, sits down at his desk, lies back in his chair, and opens up his copy of The Wall Street Journal in order to get caught up on the business world before answering his email.

Carpe (narrating): “Evil EJ resumed his labors with an improved opinion of himself, and in a more facetious temper than was usual with him. And the hours of the day passed until the next chapter.”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Or as our indolent author will end up calling it, ‘Christmas in July.’”

Carpe (ticked off): “Keep it up, and you’ll be doing the next part in a chicken suit.”