Friday, May 9th, 2008

You know, if I found a mysterious CD in a safe and my memory had been erased, I’d look at it instead of leaving it lying around where anyone could get it. And Philip took it if you watch the promo for the next episode.



“I don’t care how you do it-just do it!” Sure, this is Gray EJ. You just keep telling yourself that.



I really liked Nicole talking about Pookie here. Yes, pets are family members. You can’t get Victor for murder, however. Destruction of property is more like it.



“Was she always this crazy?”
“No, she was crazier.” No, Victor, she was much, much smarter and not a Paris Hilton knock off. I still like Nicole, but this woman might as well be a different character.



You know, I’d like to actually see Pookie, but this was cute. Nicole really cares about her, and EJ did a good job pretending to be actually interested.



“I’m just going to set Nicole’s purse and associated crap on the ground. Sure, there’s clearly a bench behind me, but only Sami gets that extra effort.”



“You have me.”
“Only because I pay you.”
“That’s pathetic, isn’t it?” Summer EJ hits a wall, and out comes Evil EJ to pick up the slack. Talk about a well oiled machine.



“Did you miss a sale at Hookers ‘R Us?” Judging by Nicole’s eyeshadow, I’d have to say no.



I’m glad EJ didn’t just stand here like the last time Sami and Nicole got into it. He’s not a passive guy.



“She is playing you. Why can’t you see that?” He does. This is the plan, not that he can tell you about it. And I love how it suddenly got dark instantly. I’d compare this part to a bad horror movie, but honestly, this happens on television shows of all stripes quite a bit. Whatever the plot wants, the plot gets.



The best part of this was Sami pulling in EJ and EJ letting her do so. He’s playing this so well.

Grade: A-. Sami really impressed me with her genuine emotional display here. She’s finally letting her love for EJ out. And I have to say, switching off between Evil EJ and Summer EJ is highly entertaining. I thoroughly enjoy the juxtaposition and hope the tag team continues.

She Really Likes Me

It's May 8th where EJ learns his visa has been renewed. Honestly, the description on Hulu is somewhat misleading. Nicole is barely in this; the focus is the Ejami interaction as EJ calls Sami out on her jealousy. And is it just me, or is this clip grainier than the others?

I Give You He Who Suffers the Truth

He had fallen asleep nearly instantly. There was no acknowledgment of their discussion the next morning more than him kissing her as soon as he awoke, and she wasn’t sure if that had been for listening to him or just for being there when he opened his eyes. And it hadn’t come up again afterward. She had been reluctant to press, and he had not volunteered. One week of normality stretched into two, and two into four. She had kept an eye on him at night, listening to him sleep for any sign that he was distressed, yet unwilling to upset the equilibrium he had apparently found. And she makes it a point to check on him during the day as well as she does again this evening when she walks into the sitting room. She is not surprised to find him standing by the wall, looking through the window at the heavy rain pounding the exterior of the building.

Sami (looking outside as well): “It’s still really coming down, isn’t it?”

EJ (firmly): “You enjoy this.”

Sami (considering): “No, I don’t like rain much. I mean, I know what the weatherman said last night about us needing it so badly, but if I could choose, I’d have it be sunny almost all the time.”

EJ (ignoring her): “There’s an old saying…when you and a friend are being chased by a panther, you only have one option. Trip your friend.”

Sami (dumbfounded): “What?”

EJ (turning his head around to look at her): “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to.”

Sami (confused): “Up to what? What are you talking about?”

EJ (not buying it): “You already know. You finally found a way to put me in the same category as all your other boy toys, eh? Because that’s what this is really about, you and your girlish insecurities. You had to save yourself, and it came at my expense.”

Sami (puzzled): “EJ, I’m not following. My what?”

EJ (turning around and folding his arms across his chest): “This is all your fault. But that’s perfectly fine with you because that’s what you enjoy, isn’t it? Samantha has to be in charge. Can’t have the man as the head of the household, no, of course not. So you ask me about me about my upbringing when I’m tired and not thinking clearly. And now you’re free to run rings around your screwed up husband.”

Understanding now, Sami shakes her head.

Sami (indignant): “So that’s what this about. You know it’s not like that, EJ.”

EJ (gesturing with his right arm): “Oh, it’s not? How is it not, darling? Tell me because I’d really like to know.”

Sami (trying to get through to him): “It’s for you. I want to help you.”

EJ (making a face): “Sure you do. And because of your overwhelming concern for me, that’s why you check on me the same way you check on our children?”

Sami (scoffing): “No, I don’t.”

EJ (insistent): “Oh, yes, you do. The three of us. You confirm they’re asleep, and then when you come back to bed, you make sure I’m sleeping as well. Because we’re the same, aren’t we? Yet actually I need more help because you check on me more often.”

Sami’s eyes widen as she realizes she hasn’t been as discreet as she thought she had.

EJ (accusingly): “Didn’t know I knew about it, did you? Between the staring and the facial expressions and the almost touching it was rather obvious, my dear. This entire time you’ve been waiting for me to crack again so we can share another wonderful moment together. Maybe you’ll even get me to cry this time.”

Sami (exasperated): “No, I have been and I still am taking care of my husband. And now that you’ve brought it up so nicely, let me say that you’re wrong. This is about you, and you don’t have to beat yourself up about telling me what Stefano did to you. I mean, I know you might regret having done so, but you haven’t had any problems sleeping since that night. It’s okay. You’re okay. There’s nothing to feel bad about.”

EJ (sharply): “Feel bad? The only thing I feel bad about is listening to you in the first place.”

Sami (trying to reason with him): “I understand that. I know how painful it was for you to share this with me. I know-”

EJ (sinisterly): “You know nothing.”

Trying to prevent their confrontation from escalating, Sami walks over to EJ.

Sami (looking up at him): “Look, I know you need to lash out at someone, and I know that person has to be me. It’s fitting after all since I’m the one who asked you about this in the first place. But it really is okay. Everything is fine. You’re my husband, EJ. I love you.”

EJ’s expression softens at her declaration. Encouraged, Sami beams at him.

Sami (warmly): “I don’t think any less of you.”

Until she sees the rage flit across his face, she does not know that she has chosen exactly the wrong thing to say. She glimpses the sheer pain in his eyes for a moment before his gaze hardens.

EJ (venomously): “Sweetheart, you don’t think much about anything, do you? Which is why all your attempts to accomplish anything beyond the most menial task fall flat on their face, don’t they?”

EJ (leaning forward): “So, go ahead. Fine. Attempt to run our family. Because when it all blows up in your face as it always does, we both know who will end up fixing everything, don’t we, darling?”

Sami (snapping back): “Don’t think for a moment that what you went through gives you some excuse to insult me.”

EJ (mock seriously): “Oh, and here I thought it was permanent, like our EZ-pass to tolls on the expressway. Admit to being ill-treated, get a free ride on my behavior. Maybe I should have it printed up and hand it out to people along with my business card. Elvis DiMera, child abuse victim.”

Sami (irritated): “Knock it off, EJ.”

EJ (continuing): “If you’d like to help me pick up the pieces call 555-”

Sami (interrupting): “EJ. I’m serious.”

EJ (harshly): “Are you? You’d think by now that you’d reach a point where you’d stop lying to me.”

EJ moves closer to Sami and roughly grabs her with his left arm. She attempts to pull away, but his grip is too strong for her.

EJ (playing with her hair with his right hand): “Try again, darling.”

Sami (unable to free herself): “I know you’re angry at yourself for sharing with me and at me for listening to you, but just because you need to blame someone doesn’t mean you get to accuse me of having some hidden agenda against you.”

EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Hidden? Try overt. But I suppose in your eyes it’s a miracle I noticed anything at all given how pathetic I am.”

Sami (sneering): “You ungrateful bastard.”

EJ (rolling his eyes): “Poor twisted me. How ever do I function?”

Sami (without thinking): “You keep this up, and I won’t hold you next time.”

EJ (furiously pointing at her): “There is not going to be a next time. I’ve already indulged you. You got what you wanted, your emotional bonding with your confused exhausted husband. Now I get what I want. That was the end of it. We are never speaking of my childhood from this point on. You never bring this up to me again, you got that?”

Unimpressed with his threat, Sami merely looks at EJ.

EJ (pressing her): “I’ll take that as a yes. I’m glad we understand each other.”

Sami (not backing down): “I understand you’re afraid.”

EJ (lighting up): “Really.”

Unprepared for his reaction, Sami takes a step away from EJ as her words do not have diffusing effect she imagined. EJ immediately pulls her back closer to him and takes her face in his right hand.

EJ (stroking her skin): “Your committed façade to this endeavor is rather convincing, sweetheart, but I can see the fear in your eyes.”

Sami (swallowing): “I’m not scared of you, EJ.”

EJ (agreeing as he whispers): “But you are frightened of what else is my head…because you know your control is the control I let you have.”

Satisfied with her nonverbal response to his words, EJ lets Sami go and resumes his placement by the window. Husband and wife stare at each other in silence for several moments before Sami steadies herself.

Sami (done with him for now): “You can think what you want. I am going to go check on the twins, so if you like the rain so much, why don’t you take a walk in it? I hear that all species of snakes can swim.”

EJ glares darkly at Sami.

EJ (too calmly): “And here I thought you liked being bitten.”

Sami makes a noise of disgust as she leaves the room, inwardly troubled by how badly her husband has interpreted her concern. EJ mock waves at his wife as she leaves and turns back towards the window. Watching the water roll down the glass, he seethes at the cost of letting her in.

So Much for Stealth

Apparently this showed up in Soap Opera Digest's Insider email mailing



Which suspiciously looks a lot like this



that I designed for our pro-Ejami postcard campaign.

The blurb that goes along with it is "DAYS's Sami and EJ are getting close and 'Ejami' fans are showing their support with glossy postcards, bearing pictures of the duo on their wedding day, smooching and holding hands." Is that what I was doing? I thought I was demonstrating EJ's complete acceptance of Sami's true self, but hey, close enough. Anyway, I find this rather hilarious. After all, there's nothing like your anonymous fan art featured in a soap opera magazine mass mailing email.

I'd like to thank Baremingal for doing the actual work involved here with getting people excited and sending out the postcards, and the GNU Image Manipulation Program aka GIMP that I used for the image composition. Take that, Photoshop.

Thursday, May 8th, 2008

Jawn, you weirdo. That’s hilarious.



Nice outfits. EJ looks great as usual as you have to love the black, and I enjoy how Sami dresses up to be with him. And the cheesy porno music is back! Oh, yeah baby! I’ve missed you!



“You’re a DiMera.” Damn right she is EJ. And of course you have no problem living in your family’s mansion.



I love Sami and hate Marlena, so you can guess whose side I’m on here.



“The whole town knew about our J&M desk sex.”
“I didn’t.” Bwah! You didn’t have to fast forward through the incessant flashbacks on Tuesday.



“You’re having sex with Nicole, aren’t you?” Way to sugarcoat it with your mom right there, Sami.



Now what’s stupider here, that the DiMansion suddenly has a fax machine or that they are faxing the decision over? I’m torn. At least Immigration Dude is done and this part of the story is over.



“My cold dead hands!” Um, Sami, have you seen EJ? Don’t even bother. He is getting that paper.



“Don’t spoil the mood.” Champagne and shutting down Sami’s annulment talk? Someone is in charge today.

Grade: B+. Still too much J&M, but I like how Sami’s bad girl side is resurfacing and how EJ is playing her. We’re moving along.

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

I’ll be honest. This bored the crap out of me. I tried to pay attention at first, but that quickly waned because I don’t need to be reminded about John the Pawn or Sami the bad girl, although I see that Sami’s parade of hideously fugly sleepwear continues.



Now where have I seen this before?



Let’s see here, bribery, witness tampering, ethics violations…I could go on, but why bother when Evil EJ 2008 has arrived just in time for summer!



“What I won’t do for money these days.”
“These days, eh?” Heh.



“I got all of my clients off, and they’re all guilty as sin.” Hey, TPTB read my Elvis DiMera, Evil Attorney at Law commerical! And of course you did, EJ. They never caught you, after all.



“Regardless, in her eyes I have to remain an upstanding father and husband.” Exactly, EJ. Now you are both of those…but you’re an evil upstanding father and husband, not the good man you’re currently passing yourself off as.
“You really intend to make her love you, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that she does.” That’s my boy! Morality is for the weak.
“I wouldn’t say shady-I’d say determined.” Of course. You are a ruthless man, and you have no problem with dark.
“When I first met you, I knew I could use you very much for my purposes.” Oh, you are awful, EJ. I like.



“I was raised well.” And notice how there was no apology there. Nice contrast to EJ’s supposed insistence that they take down his father’s painting on Friday. Someone is rightly proud of being a DiMera.



“Let’s just say I have a plan, eh?” Always. And he doesn’t tell Nicole what it is yet gets her to tell him his. Oh, it’s so beautiful even if Nicole is noticeably dumber this time around. She was smarter with red hair.



“Luck? No, no, no, my darling, I don’t need luck. Samantha is going to be mine.” Oh, how I love how he says this. Quietly commanding.

Grade:



A-. I am satisfied. Today was like a warm comforting blanket of evilness. Now, would I have liked more threatening of Nicole and less nicey nice with her? Oh, most certainly, most certainly. But EJ does work for Nicole, and moreover, he’s still using her in order to make Sami jealous. In addition, EJ is being covertly evil as opposed to overtly evil, so if we want to get technical, he’s November 2006/February 2007 Evil EJ as opposed to March/April 2007. Light Evil EJ, if you will, the ninja as opposed to the samurai. So although I want more jokes and harshness, I am content. There’s plenty of time for brazenness later once Sami is at your side, EJ.

Monday, May 5th, 2008

You know, I was just thinking to myself how much I didn’t miss the police station set. Days, you and your limited budget. And I love how Roman is all supportive here. Remember when he wanted to kill EJ last summer? Ah, good times.



“Well, technically, I suppose I should, but my mother tried to pass me off as another woman’s child blah blah blah…” I love how James just walked forward and sold this, gesturing as if it’s perfectly natural to have this utterly convoluted character history. And Nicole might have just waved to the audience along with the “confusing bit of backstory” remark. Show, why do you tell me about this useless junk and not interesting stuff like how Stefano stole EJ from Susan and Edmund?



EJ stealing Nicole’s food. Ah, yet another sign of what is to come.



“I was locked out of my apartment. Quite a first impression, eh?” Oh, sure, if that had been what actually happened. I find the show’s insistence on needlessly retconning Ejami’s history to be thoroughly entertaining at this point.



“My life completely changed when I met Samantha.” As did this show. You were supposed to be institutionalized or dead months ago, and we were supposed to be full speed ahead Lumi.



“Give me my family ‘cuz I don’t have any other. And I need this one. Please.” That’s right, EJ, your family. Sami and the twins are the only people in the world EJ cares about. He could not be more attached to them, especially to his Samantha.



Oooh, comforting! And in public this time!

Grade: B+. Considering I expected to have to wade through more crap, I’m just glad Immigration Dude backed off from the hard sell here. So, given the boring subject matter, lack of suspense about the eventual outcome, and people not named EJ or Sami in this, not bad, not bad at all. And I always am ready for Ejami hugging.

Friday, May 2nd, 2008

My retinas are still burning.



Sami looks great here; I like the whole outfit and hairstyle. EJ looks even better. His hair is starting to spike, and the black suit with the gray tie and handkerchief is spectacular. And I also have to say, the first thing I thought of when I saw him was



Turns out the comparison wasn’t for naught, eh?



“You’re not exactly a laugh riot yourself.” Yeah, I just made up all those EJ Is Funny videos out of thin air in my basement. Jawn, this is why I hate you. Stefano, come back! All, or most of it anyway, is forgiven!



“Look, I have no problem with putting people in waking comas and covering my tracks but lying? I gotta draw the line somewhere.”



“Don’t think about it as lying. Think about it as being more diplomatic with the truth, you know?” and “What is it exactly you were doing?” Not funny funny, but I might be able to work with this.

Grade: B. WAAAAAAAAY too much J&M here for my liking as I don’t give a crap about his brain on CD, and Jawn knocking EJ’s humor is rubbing salt in a very raw wound. I need more material!

So Our "Not a Romantic Couple" Has a Cover Photo

Courtesy of Soap Opera Digest. Pretty snazzy. SOD was even nice enough to have a JPEG of it on their website.





And everyone and their mom has already scanned the inside photos as well, but you know how I am. I'm ecstatic we finally got some nice photos of Ejami, and out of the three, I'd say the cover is my favorite as it's less "posed" compared to the other two. Now to get more!

Living in Chaos

Excited Voice (happily): “Good morning!”

Bleary eyed, Good EJ starts as he awakens within his cage inside of his room. Pulling his body into a sitting position, he sees Evil Crazy EJ enter holding his Samantha doll. Evil Crazy EJ is dressed in a long sleeved blue shirt and black pants while Samantha is in her police officer outfit.

Evil Crazy EJ (walking over to Good EJ): “We hope you slept well, Good EJ. And Samantha knows she has said so before, but she is very, very happy that you like the color of the cage. She spent a lot of time considering what shade of pink would be best. Here you go.”

Evil EJ wedges a box of cereal through the bars of the cage.

Good EJ (knowing what it is but asking anyway): “Lucky Charms?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Yes. It is your breakfast!”

Good EJ (the diet getting to him): “Evil Crazy EJ, as much as I do enjoy my cereal, would it be possible for me to have anything else?”

Willing to consider his prisoner’s request, Evil Crazy EJ consults his Samantha doll and stares at his wife as he listens to her.

Evil Crazy EJ (translating): “Samantha says if you are very, very good, maybe you can have some milk instead of your usual water later. Assuming Evil EJ remembered to buy you your pansy skim milk when we were at the grocery store. We do not recall as we were looking at which cereals gave out the best toys most of the trip.”

Good EJ (trying to stay positive): “Well, let’s hope I am very, very good then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (very positive): “Yes, Samantha hopes so too. She will let you read your new issue of Martha Stewart Living as well if you are deemed to be worthy of good behavior status.”

Noticing that his Hello Kitty doll is no longer next to Good EJ inside of the cage, Evil Crazy EJ frowns.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “You don’t like Hello Kitty?”

Good EJ (immediately picking the stuffed animal up from where he had thrown her and placing her in his lap): “Oh, no, I like her very much. I just didn’t want her to get lost.”

Nodding, Evil Crazy EJ walks over to where he has placed it on Good EJ’s desk and holds up his and his Samantha’s attack plan for Good EJ to see.

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “Good. We did not want you to get lonely. We understand that Hello Kitty is not actually alive, however, and we are still trying to get you a real bunny. Evil EJ says we have to prove we are responsible before we can have a pet.”

Relieved Voice (grateful): “And thank goodness for that.”

Gray EJ enters the room, the designated head of household in Evil EJ’s absence.

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding slightly): “Gray EJ! Did you come to visit Good EJ? I will have to record it in the log book. And thank you for coming during approved visitation hours. Samantha would not want to have to turn you away.”

Gray EJ (going along): “You’re welcome. How are the correctional duties this morning?”

Evil Crazy EJ (lighting up): “Everything is going very well. The prisoner is behaving, and we are great!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (content): “Yes, Samantha, I was amazed too. Both of us are in a good mood as we are pleasantly surprised that you did not screw up our breakfast the way you normally do when you have to fill in for Evil EJ.”

Gray EJ (taking what he can get): “If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is.”

Hearing his wife speak to him, Evil Crazy EJ moves his Samantha doll closer to his face. He nods to her, and then moves over to Gray EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Gray EJ, will you watch the prisoner while Samantha and I get today’s activities together? We have a lot to do today with him, and we don’t want to get behind schedule.”

Gray EJ (deferring): “Of course.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “Thank you!”

Carefully holding his Samantha doll, Evil Crazy EJ runs out of the room. After he leaves, Gray EJ moves over to Good EJ’s cage.

Good EJ (wary): “I don’t like the sound of that.”

Gray EJ (nonchalantly): “Eh, don’t worry about it. How are you holding up, anyway?”

Good EJ (very unhappy): “How do you think? I am stuck in this ornate cage in my own room, I have cuts all over from the sheet metal in addition to all those bumps and bruises from our altercation, and I am constantly badgered by my mentally ill jailer and his imaginary wife. Evil EJ could not have planned a better torture for me.”

Gray EJ (shaking his head slightly): “Yet he didn’t.”

Good EJ looks up at Gray EJ incredulously.

Gray EJ (informatively): “Oh, yes, this is entirely Evil Crazy EJ’s idea. Evil EJ would have you stretched out on a rack somewhere with hot water dripping on your face.”

Good EJ (not entirely surprised): “I suppose that makes sense. I admit I wondered about the lovely pink color scheme and the pretty throw pillows. Yet I hate to say it, but that actually might be preferable. How does Evil EJ manage to put up with Evil Crazy EJ all day every day?”

Gray EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Put up with him? Evil EJ likes spending time with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. He’d never willingly admit it, but he purposely goes out of his way to do so. Heck, he’s got a bike ride scheduled with them tomorrow. He even stole the Barbie accessory off a girl’s bicycle the last time we were at Target and welded it onto Evil Crazy’s EJ’s bike so Samantha would have her own place to sit and Evil Crazy EJ wouldn’t have to hold her.”

Good EJ (amazed): “But Evil Crazy EJ is so exhausting! ‘Samantha says this,’ ‘Samantha wants that.’ He never lets up! It’s insane!”

Gray EJ (annoyed): “He’s insane. What’d you expect him to do? Only bother you for five minutes here and there? Of course he wants to play with you as much as he can. He’s never had a prisoner before. You’re lucky he hasn’t had a tea party with you yet.”

Good EJ (shaking his head): “Even the twins are never this frustrating.”

Gray EJ (devil’s advocate): “To you and I, yes. But not to Evil EJ. He is rational, and Evil Crazy EJ is insane, but besides that, they’re the same. Evil Crazy EJ looks up to Evil EJ, and Evil EJ appreciates having someone around who truly understands his evilness.”

Good EJ (surprised): “You don’t?

Gray EJ (shaking his head): “Mostly, but not completely. Not the innate way Evil Crazy EJ does. The insanity puts a different spin on the evil compared to my goodness. He revels in suffering just like Evil EJ does-he doesn’t try to diffuse it like I do.”

Good EJ (imploring): “Speaking of your good side, why don’t you indulge it, and let me out of here?”

Gray EJ (dryly as he folds his arms across his chest): “The way you did when you said I was Evil EJ’s pathetic lackey and nearly cracked my skull open?”

Good EJ cringes and looks up at Gray EJ apologetically.

Good EJ (regretfully): “I’m sorry.”

Gray EJ (not buying it): “No, you’re not. That’s the problem. You need to learn that you have to share with the rest of us.”

Good EJ (snidely): “Like Evil EJ does? But you listen to him even though he continually plays all of you.”

Gray EJ (shrugging): “He’s reasonable. Sure, he encourages us to be evil and tries to manipulate events so we choose the wrong thing. But he understands when I can’t stomach something, Hero EJ resists him, or Evil Crazy EJ would rather play with Samantha. He doesn’t force us to change. You do. And you don’t get to dictate what we do and do not do. We are all aspects of one unified personality, one Elvis DiMera. Just because you want us to be a weak, insipid git doesn’t mean we do.”

Good EJ (angrily): “Don’t you get it? Evil EJ is never going to let me out of here.”

Gray EJ (disagreeing): “Oh, he will. Even sharing being good is draining for him. He’s making up for the time he’s missed now, but he’ll eventually need you to handle the sickly sweet stuff that not even Hero EJ can stand.”

Good EJ (taking some comfort): “Assuming you’re right, that’s good, at least. I’m glad we’re still the white knight as we should be.”

Gray EJ ignores Good EJ’s remark and looks away from him as he pretends to see something off in the corner of the room.

Good EJ (wondering): “We are still sweet and gentle, aren’t we? Like we were in the Pub with the Immigration Agent?”

Gray EJ turns back to Good EJ as he makes a helpless gesture.

Gray EJ (sheepishly): “Mistakes were made.”

Good EJ (irate): “What in the heck do you mean mistakes were made?!”

Gray EJ (comparing): “Well, considering par for the course used to be controlling slaves with tarot cards, this is actually a step up for him.”

As Good EJ is about to press Gray EJ for the details of Evil EJ’s actions, he is interrupted by Evil Crazy EJ barely managing to carry his Samantha doll, his DVD player, and some DVDs into the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “We helped Evil EJ tape ‘Gossip Girl’ on the CW for you! Samantha knows how you like to get fashion ideas from the show as she noticed when you wore the pretty pink ribbon in your hair a few weeks ago just like your favorite character Serena. And then we can watch the movie ‘Glitter’ with your favorite musical artist Mariah Carey in order to celebrate the release of her exciting new album, ‘E=MC^2.’ Evil EJ says USA Today gave it 3 out of 4 stars.”

Good EJ (surprised at Evil Crazy EJ’s research): “I appreciate you trying to keep me occupied, Evil Crazy EJ, but that’s simply not necessary. All you have to do is let me out, and I will find things for me to do.”

Evil Crazy EJ (dismissively): “Samantha and I say no. Evil EJ is happy being in charge. You can be girly here.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Samantha! We take very good care of our prisoner! We will watch these with you even though they are not something we would normally tolerate. Samantha will make them better by making witty commentary, won’t you, sweetheart?”

Samantha: “…”

Good EJ (anything to avoid him): “That’s quite all right. I can watch them by myself.”

Evil Crazy EJ (listening to his wife): “No, Samantha insists. She says we must be hospitable.”

Gray EJ (taking his cue to leave): “Sounds good to me. I’ll go vacuum the living room.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “That’s a good idea, Gray EJ. Samantha spilled some of her chocolate milk earlier, but I helped her get most of it out of the carpet. We cannot see any of it at least.”

Good EJ (pleading to Gray EJ): “Please, don’t go. Please. Don’t leave me alone with him.”

Evil Crazy EJ (considering): “We really don’t like you very much either, Good EJ, but maybe it is because Samantha and I do not spend much time with you. While we are watching the DVDs, would you like to help us make a card listing all the ways Evil EJ is great? We are going to congratulate him for defeating you.”

Gray EJ (smirking): “Now who could refuse that? Have fun, you three. I’ll be back later.”

Gray EJ moves over to the doorway in order to leave the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (calling out): “Samantha says she wants chocolate cookies with chocolate chips, not almond cookies. She is still sorry about hitting you in the face with the plate last time, but she cannot promise that it will not happen again if she does not get the correct midmorning snack to fix her low blood sugar.”

Gray EJ (nods): “I’ll remember this time, I promise.”

Good EJ (screaming): “No, don’t go! Please don’t leave me!”

Gray EJ ignores Good EJ’s pleas and exits. Left alone with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha, Good EJ swallows nervously.

Evil Crazy EJ (hooking up the DVD player to Good EJ’s television): “Before I forget, Good EJ, Samantha would like to know what kind of lipgloss you wear so we know what to get you for Mother’s Day when we go shopping with Evil EJ. She says that her favorite brand Clinique has a new kind that just came out for the summer and that Fireberry would be a very good color on you.”

Staring at Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll in terror, Good EJ’s eyes widen, and he unconsciously begins rocking himself.