Excited Voice (happily): “Good morning!”
Bleary eyed, Good EJ starts as he awakens within his cage inside of his room. Pulling his body into a sitting position, he sees Evil Crazy EJ enter holding his Samantha doll. Evil Crazy EJ is dressed in a long sleeved blue shirt and black pants while Samantha is in her police officer outfit.Evil Crazy EJ (walking over to Good EJ): “We hope you slept well, Good EJ. And Samantha knows she has said so before, but she is very, very happy that you like the color of the cage. She spent a lot of time considering what shade of pink would be best. Here you go.”
Evil EJ wedges a box of cereal through the bars of the cage.Good EJ (knowing what it is but asking anyway): “Lucky Charms?”
Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Yes. It is your breakfast!”
Good EJ (the diet getting to him): “Evil Crazy EJ, as much as I do enjoy my cereal, would it be possible for me to have anything else?”
Willing to consider his prisoner’s request, Evil Crazy EJ consults his Samantha doll and stares at his wife as he listens to her.Evil Crazy EJ (translating): “Samantha says if you are very, very good, maybe you can have some milk instead of your usual water later. Assuming Evil EJ remembered to buy you your pansy skim milk when we were at the grocery store. We do not recall as we were looking at which cereals gave out the best toys most of the trip.”
Good EJ (trying to stay positive): “Well, let’s hope I am very, very good then.”
Evil Crazy EJ (very positive): “Yes, Samantha hopes so too. She will let you read your new issue of
Martha Stewart Living as well if you are deemed to be worthy of good behavior status.”
Noticing that his Hello Kitty doll is no longer next to Good EJ inside of the cage, Evil Crazy EJ frowns.Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “You don’t like Hello Kitty?”
Good EJ (immediately picking the stuffed animal up from where he had thrown her and placing her in his lap): “Oh, no, I like her very much. I just didn’t want her to get lost.”
Nodding, Evil Crazy EJ walks over to where he has placed it on Good EJ’s desk and holds up his and his Samantha’s attack plan for Good EJ to see.Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “Good. We did not want you to get lonely. We understand that Hello Kitty is not actually alive, however, and we are still trying to get you a real bunny. Evil EJ says we have to prove we are responsible before we can have a pet.”
Relieved Voice (grateful): “And thank goodness for that.”
Gray EJ enters the room, the designated head of household in Evil EJ’s absence.Evil Crazy EJ (nodding slightly): “Gray EJ! Did you come to visit Good EJ? I will have to record it in the log book. And thank you for coming during approved visitation hours. Samantha would not want to have to turn you away.”
Gray EJ (going along): “You’re welcome. How are the correctional duties this morning?”
Evil Crazy EJ (lighting up): “Everything is going very well. The prisoner is behaving, and we are great!”
Samantha: “…”
Evil Crazy EJ (content): “Yes, Samantha, I was amazed too. Both of us are in a good mood as we are pleasantly surprised that you did not screw up our breakfast the way you normally do when you have to fill in for Evil EJ.”
Gray EJ (taking what he can get): “If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is.”
Hearing his wife speak to him, Evil Crazy EJ moves his Samantha doll closer to his face. He nods to her, and then moves over to Gray EJ.Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Gray EJ, will you watch the prisoner while Samantha and I get today’s activities together? We have a lot to do today with him, and we don’t want to get behind schedule.”
Gray EJ (deferring): “Of course.”
Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “Thank you!”
Carefully holding his Samantha doll, Evil Crazy EJ runs out of the room. After he leaves, Gray EJ moves over to Good EJ’s cage.Good EJ (wary): “I don’t like the sound of that.”
Gray EJ (nonchalantly): “Eh, don’t worry about it. How are you holding up, anyway?”
Good EJ (very unhappy): “How do you think? I am stuck in this ornate cage in my own room, I have cuts all over from the sheet metal in addition to all those bumps and bruises from our altercation, and I am constantly badgered by my mentally ill jailer and his imaginary wife. Evil EJ could not have planned a better torture for me.”
Gray EJ (shaking his head slightly): “Yet he didn’t.”
Good EJ looks up at Gray EJ incredulously.Gray EJ (informatively): “Oh, yes, this is entirely Evil Crazy EJ’s idea. Evil EJ would have you stretched out on a rack somewhere with hot water dripping on your face.”
Good EJ (not entirely surprised): “I suppose that makes sense. I admit I wondered about the lovely pink color scheme and the pretty throw pillows. Yet I hate to say it, but that actually might be preferable. How does Evil EJ manage to put up with Evil Crazy EJ all day every day?”
Gray EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Put up with him? Evil EJ
likes spending time with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. He’d never willingly admit it, but he purposely goes out of his way to do so. Heck, he’s got a bike ride scheduled with them tomorrow. He even stole the Barbie accessory off a girl’s bicycle the last time we were at Target and welded it onto Evil Crazy’s EJ’s bike so Samantha would have her own place to sit and Evil Crazy EJ wouldn’t have to hold her.”
Good EJ (amazed): “But Evil Crazy EJ is so exhausting! ‘Samantha says this,’ ‘Samantha wants that.’ He never lets up! It’s insane!”
Gray EJ (annoyed): “He’s insane. What’d you expect him to do? Only bother you for five minutes here and there? Of course he wants to play with you as much as he can. He’s never had a prisoner before. You’re lucky he hasn’t had a tea party with you yet.”
Good EJ (shaking his head): “Even the twins are never this frustrating.”
Gray EJ (devil’s advocate): “To you and I, yes. But not to Evil EJ. He is rational, and Evil Crazy EJ is insane, but besides that, they’re the same. Evil Crazy EJ looks up to Evil EJ, and Evil EJ appreciates having someone around who truly understands his evilness.”
Good EJ (surprised): “You don’t?
Gray EJ (shaking his head): “Mostly, but not completely. Not the innate way Evil Crazy EJ does. The insanity puts a different spin on the evil compared to my goodness. He revels in suffering just like Evil EJ does-he doesn’t try to diffuse it like I do.”
Good EJ (imploring): “Speaking of your good side, why don’t you indulge it, and let me out of here?”
Gray EJ (dryly as he folds his arms across his chest): “The way you did when you said I was Evil EJ’s pathetic lackey and nearly cracked my skull open?”
Good EJ cringes and looks up at Gray EJ apologetically.Good EJ (regretfully): “I’m sorry.”
Gray EJ (not buying it): “No, you’re not. That’s the problem. You need to learn that you have to share with the rest of us.”
Good EJ (snidely): “Like Evil EJ does? But you listen to him even though he continually plays all of you.”
Gray EJ (shrugging): “He’s reasonable. Sure, he encourages us to be evil and tries to manipulate events so we choose the wrong thing. But he understands when I can’t stomach something, Hero EJ resists him, or Evil Crazy EJ would rather play with Samantha. He doesn’t force us to change. You do. And you don’t get to dictate what we do and do not do. We are all aspects of one unified personality, one Elvis DiMera. Just because you want us to be a weak, insipid git doesn’t mean we do.”
Good EJ (angrily): “Don’t you get it? Evil EJ is never going to let me out of here.”
Gray EJ (disagreeing): “Oh, he will. Even sharing being good is draining for him. He’s making up for the time he’s missed now, but he’ll eventually need you to handle the sickly sweet stuff that not even Hero EJ can stand.”
Good EJ (taking some comfort): “Assuming you’re right, that’s good, at least. I’m glad we’re still the white knight as we should be.”
Gray EJ ignores Good EJ’s remark and looks away from him as he pretends to see something off in the corner of the room.Good EJ (wondering): “We are still sweet and gentle, aren’t we? Like we were in the Pub with the Immigration Agent?”
Gray EJ turns back to Good EJ as he makes a helpless gesture.Gray EJ (sheepishly): “Mistakes were made.”
Good EJ (irate): “What in the heck do you mean mistakes were made?!”
Gray EJ (comparing): “Well, considering par for the course used to be controlling slaves with tarot cards, this is actually a step up for him.”
As Good EJ is about to press Gray EJ for the details of Evil EJ’s actions, he is interrupted by Evil Crazy EJ barely managing to carry his Samantha doll, his DVD player, and some DVDs into the room.Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “We helped Evil EJ tape ‘Gossip Girl’ on the CW for you! Samantha knows how you like to get fashion ideas from the show as she noticed when you wore the pretty pink ribbon in your hair a few weeks ago just like your favorite character Serena. And then we can watch the movie ‘Glitter’ with your favorite musical artist Mariah Carey in order to celebrate the release of her exciting new album, ‘E=MC^2.’ Evil EJ says
USA Today gave it 3 out of 4 stars.”
Good EJ (surprised at Evil Crazy EJ’s research): “I appreciate you trying to keep me occupied, Evil Crazy EJ, but that’s simply not necessary. All you have to do is let me out, and I will find things for me to do.”
Evil Crazy EJ (dismissively): “Samantha and I say no. Evil EJ is happy being in charge. You can be girly here.”
Samantha: “…”
Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Samantha! We take very good care of our prisoner! We will watch these with you even though they are not something we would normally tolerate. Samantha will make them better by making witty commentary, won’t you, sweetheart?”
Samantha: “…”
Good EJ (anything to avoid him): “That’s quite all right. I can watch them by myself.”
Evil Crazy EJ (listening to his wife): “No, Samantha insists. She says we must be hospitable.”
Gray EJ (taking his cue to leave): “Sounds good to me. I’ll go vacuum the living room.”
Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “That’s a good idea, Gray EJ. Samantha spilled some of her chocolate milk earlier, but I helped her get most of it out of the carpet. We cannot see any of it at least.”
Good EJ (pleading to Gray EJ): “Please, don’t go. Please. Don’t leave me alone with him.”
Evil Crazy EJ (considering): “We really don’t like you very much either, Good EJ, but maybe it is because Samantha and I do not spend much time with you. While we are watching the DVDs, would you like to help us make a card listing all the ways Evil EJ is great? We are going to congratulate him for defeating you.”
Gray EJ (smirking): “Now who could refuse that? Have fun, you three. I’ll be back later.”
Gray EJ moves over to the doorway in order to leave the room.Evil Crazy EJ (calling out): “Samantha says she wants chocolate cookies with chocolate chips, not almond cookies. She is still sorry about hitting you in the face with the plate last time, but she cannot promise that it will not happen again if she does not get the correct midmorning snack to fix her low blood sugar.”
Gray EJ (nods): “I’ll remember this time, I promise.”
Good EJ (screaming): “No, don’t go! Please don’t leave me!”
Gray EJ ignores Good EJ’s pleas and exits. Left alone with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha, Good EJ swallows nervously.Evil Crazy EJ (hooking up the DVD player to Good EJ’s television): “Before I forget, Good EJ, Samantha would like to know what kind of lipgloss you wear so we know what to get you for Mother’s Day when we go shopping with Evil EJ. She says that her favorite brand Clinique has a new kind that just came out for the summer and that Fireberry would be a very good color on you.”
Staring at Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll in terror, Good EJ’s eyes widen, and he unconsciously begins rocking himself.
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