http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zm7EeuWnc-8
Woman’s Voice (disembodied): “Welcome to an Ejami Christmas Carol.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBthi_An5qQ
And the worst of the worst
The most hated and cursed
Is the one that we call Elvis
Sinister Voice (very familiar): “I most certainly hope so.”
Outfitted in all black except for a blindingly white scarf to add a bit of panache, Elvis DiMera, otherwise known as Evil EJ, flairs his cape dramatically as he comes to a stop at a corner after walking down one of Salem’s snowcovered streets.
Carpe (narrating): “Marley was dead, to begin with.”
Evil EJ (snidely): “Ah, yes, Dickens’ annual classic. Because why insult just one property when you can rip off two?”
Carpe (ignoring him): “And thus Evil EJ was the sole proprietor of their once shared enterprise. He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Evil EJ! A squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, young sinner.”
Evil EJ (interrupting): “The reason she started this before December is because it’s going to be at least Valentine’s Day by the time she finishes the damn thing.”
Carpe (still ignoring): “Evil EJ liked the-”
Evil EJ (pressing the point): “Say, how is Damaged coming along?”
Carpe (defensive): “I’ll get to it! I’m busy!”
Evil EJ (mockingly): “‘Do I have him whine about his upbringing or cry this chapter? I just can’t decide.’”
Carpe (too loudly): “Evil EJ liked the cold. Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster.”
Evil EJ (correcting): “Except for his Samantha.”
Carpe (agreeing): “But of course. And today, as he did every day, he confidently strode to his place of business.”
Evil EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Yes, what exactly is it that I do here in pseudo-1843 Salem?”
Carpe (getting annoyed): “Turn around.”
Evil EJ spins around to see his business before him, Ye Olde Mythic Communications.
Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Not funny.”
Evil EJ enters the large building and sees all of his employees already hard at work around the open style office.
Evil EJ (smiling): “Good Morning, maggots.”
Seeing that their boss has arrived, his employees hide and cower in fear.
Evil EJ (smiling): “What, no warm welcome? Remind me to torture you for that after the fiscal year ends.”
Lucas Horton, Evil EJ’s administrative assistant, comes over and hands him several files and papers.
Evil EJ (idly): “Yes, lapdog?”
Lucas (pointing out information): “Here’s the current quarter’s projections, the emails you need to respond to, and a new press release from one of our competitors. I’ve also highlighted the most important parts of the memos you need to approve.”
Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “How surprisingly competent of you. Keep this up, and perhaps I might give you the occasional lunch break.”
A man enters the building as Lucas goes back to his desk.
Brady (cheerful): “A merry Christmas, cousin! God save you!”
Evil EJ (smiling): “Don’t remind me. Bah! Humbug!”
Brady (still cheerful): “Christmas a humbug, cousin? You don't mean that, I am sure.”
Evil EJ (snidely): “Quit calling me that, idiot. Merry Christmas? What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You're stupid enough.”
Brady (nicely): “What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You're smart enough.”
Evil EJ (intensely): “Who said I was depressed, you insolent junkie?”
Brady (ignoring the insult): “I’ve come to invite you to Christmas dinner.”
Evil EJ (wondering): “What Christmas dinner?”
Brady (shrugging): “Whatever one TPTB have me at.”
Evil EJ (factual): “You don’t really want me there.”
Brady (ignoring the insult): “Well, no, but since my father won’t be around on the show much longer, I figured I’d cut my losses.”
Evil EJ (considering): “Admirable. But pointless.”
Brady (kindly): “"I want nothing from you. I ask nothing of you. Why cannot we be friends?"
Evil EJ (stating the obvious): “You’re a moronic drug addict.”
Brady (waving as he gives up for now): “Perhaps, but the invitation is still open. So Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!”
Evil EJ (vehemently): “Bah! Humbug!”
As Brady leaves, another figure enters the building.
Robo EJ (mechanical voice): “HELLO. ROBO EJ HAVE PLEASURE OF ADDRESSING EVIL EJ?”
Evil EJ (annoyed): “You do.”
Robo EJ (nicely): “ROBO EJ NEED MONEY SO POOR PEOPLE CAN BUY CHRISTMAS FOOD AND PRESENTS.”
Evil EJ cringes at Robo EJ’s bad acting.
Evil EJ (reciting his line anyway): “Are there no prisons?”
Robo EJ (not following): “WHAT THAT DO WITH CHRISTMAS MONEY?”
Evil EJ (sighing): “And the Union workhouses? Are they still in operation?"
Robo EJ (still not following): “NO, ROBO EJ WANT CHRISTMAS DONATION!”
Evil EJ (closing his eyes for a moment): “The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigor, then?”
Robo EJ (confused): “WHAT IS LAWS? EVIL EJ NOT HEAR ROBO EJ?”
Evil EJ (opening his eyes): “Oh, I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course. I am very glad to hear it.”
Robo EJ (baffled): “OKAY THEN-HOW MUCH CHRISTMAS MONEY EVIL EJ GIVE?”
Evil EJ (savoring the line): “Nothing!”
ROBO EJ (genuinely hurt): “ROBO EJ THINKS THIS NOT TRUE. EVIL EJ NICE PERSON. EVIL EJ BUY EVIL CRAZY EJ TOYS ALL THE TIME.”
Evil EJ (getting angry): “I wish to be left alone, you moronic bucket of bolts. I don't make merry myself at Christmas, and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned-they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there."
ROBO EJ (wondering): “GO WHERE? EVIL CRAZY EJ LIVES WITH EVIL EJ AND ALL EJS.”
Evil EJ (with relish): “If they would rather die, they had better do it and decrease the surplus population.”
Evil EJ takes out his gun and fingers the safety longingly.
Evil EJ (eyes lighting up): “Or I’ll do it myself.”
At the sight of Evil EJ’s firearm, Robo EJ backs away.
Robo EJ (hesitantly): “ROBO EJ THINK EVIL EJ IN BAD MOOD AND WILL COME BACK LATER FOR CHRISTMAS MONEY.”
Robo EJ leaves the building as Evil EJ reholsters his gun and Lucas comes over to him.
Lucas (annoyed): “You’re a real jerk, you know that?”
Evil EJ (tilting his head): “What a startling observation, Lucas. Do you have any other wonderful insights you’d like to share with me?”
Lucas (questioning): “No, but I was wondering if I could take tomorrow off.”
Evil EJ (instantly): “Of course not, you pathetic twit.”
Lucas (pleading): “But tomorrow is Christmas Day.”
Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Your point?”
Lucas (pleading): “Well, Chloe’s at her parents’ for the week, and Will flew in from Switzerland, so Sami and I were going to have a traditional Horton Christmas with him and Ali and Johnny.”
Evil EJ glares at Lucas.
Evil EJ (seething): “All the more reason for you to work.”
Lucas (volcanic as he goes back to his desk): “I’ll shoot you again for this, you evil DiMera.”
Evil EJ (challenging): “I’d like to see you try.”
Evil EJ (louder to the rest of his employees): “And that goes for all of you.”
There is an angry shout from the back corner of the main room.
Nick (not taking it anymore): “I’m not putting up with your crap, old man! You either give me Christmas off, or I’ll ice you the way I did Trent and Willow!”
Evil EJ merely looks at Nick.
Evil EJ (easily): “Okay.”
Nick (surprised): “Okay?”
Evil EJ (sweetly): “Yes, you’ve utterly convinced me of the error of my ways with that intimidating threat. You’re free to take the day off. Heck, why don’t you get an early start and leave now?”
Nick (getting up): “Damn right I will.”
Triumphant, Nick gathers his messenger bag and heads towards the door. Once he reaches it, the corner of Evil EJ’s mouth turns up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G6BCP2dfqE
There is a horrific scream as Nick falls down the hidden trap door that is wirelessly activated from Evil EJ’s hidden Blackberry.
Evil EJ (casually): “Anyone else object to working on Christmas? Anyone? Bueller?”
Only silence answers him.
Evil EJ (casually): “Excellent. Now get back to work, or I’ll strangle all of you.”
Content with his handling of his employees, Evil EJ travels to his office, sits down at his desk, lies back in his chair, and opens up his copy of The Wall Street Journal in order to get caught up on the business world before answering his email.
Carpe (narrating): “Evil EJ resumed his labors with an improved opinion of himself, and in a more facetious temper than was usual with him. And the hours of the day passed until the next chapter.”
Evil EJ (sneering): “Or as our indolent author will end up calling it, ‘Christmas in July.’”
Carpe (ticked off): “Keep it up, and you’ll be doing the next part in a chicken suit.”
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