Thursday, January 1, 2009

You're My Best Friend

Having taken his best shot, Evil EJ takes off his combat gear, puts away his extra equipment, and sits down on his bed, patiently waiting for the next ghost.

Carpe (knowingly): “Ready?”

Evil EJ (in on it): “How could I not be?”

Happy Voice (excited): “Merry Christmas, Evil EJ!”

Surprised, Evil EJ turns his head to see a figure appear behind him. Laughing, Evil Crazy EJ walks around the bed and sits down next to Evil EJ while holding his Samantha doll.

Evil EJ (warmly): “Heh. Merry Christmas to you two as well.”

Evil Crazy EJ grins back at Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (sagely): “We surprised you!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Yes, you did. I wasn’t expecting you to show up on the opposite side of the bed, particularly when the script specified that you would show up in front of me.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding to his doll): “Darling, you were right-this was much more dramatic.”

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “We are the Ghosts of Christmas Presents!”

Evil EJ (correcting): “Present. Ghosts of Christmas Present.”

Evil Crazy EJ (disagreeing): “No, Christmas presents.”

Evil EJ (kindly): “We have discussed this before, Evil Crazy EJ. You and your wife are pretending to be the spirits of this moment, right now, which is the present time period.”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying to be nice): “Samantha thinks that is all well and good, Evil EJ, but we are giving you presents so we are the Ghosts of Christmas Presents.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, sweetheart, The Oho Man gave Scrooge lots of presents!”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Those were part of the feast for the celebration of Christmas, not his presents.”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at his Samantha and nods before speaking again.

Evil Crazy EJ (apologetically): “Samantha and I have discussed this issue at length, and we are both very sorry that we have to tell you this, Evil EJ, but you are wrong. We have watched the Muppet Christmas Carol movie more times than you have so we know what we are talking about.”

Evil EJ (letting it go): “Fine. On a more agreeable note, may I say Samantha looks absolutely stunning?”

Dressed in a matching suit, Evil Crazy EJ beams at his Samantha outfitted in a lovely silver Christmas formal evening gown.

Evil Crazy EJ (proudly): “Yes, you may! Samantha did not want to wear what The Oho Man does in the movie. She says there is no reason to wear an advent wreath on your head unless it is Saint Lucia’s Day, and she does not want to wear an icky bathrobe from K-Mart like him and you do either.”

Evil EJ (slightly annoyed): “I’ll have both of you know that not only is that robe surprisingly comfortable, I saved over thirty dollars on it.”

Evil Crazy EJ (ignoring him): “Now is time for presents!”

A small pile of presents appears on the bed next to Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (going with it): “I must admit, this paper is exquisite.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “Samantha is an expert gift wrapper.”

Evil EJ (opening his first present): “An online subscription to The Wall Street Journal. Thank you.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “You’re welcome!”

Evil EJ (thinking): “Considering that I normally read the print version, this wouldn’t be a subtle reminder about that Barbie computer game Samantha wants for Christmas, would it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (insulted): “Samantha would do no such thing, Evil EJ!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (stroking her hair): “Yes, you know better than to hint-it is number one on your Christmas list for Santa!”

Evil Crazy EJ gestures to two handbound volumes that have appeared next to him on the bed.

Evil EJ (eyeing the number of pages): “Hmmm, Santa has quite the reading material ahead of him. Would you mind telling me what you want the most from him this year?”

Evil Crazy EJ (sighing happily): “Elmo’s Farm starring popular Sesame Street characters Elmo, Cookie Monster, and Ernie! Perfect for pretending to drive the tractor and play with the happy farm animals! Samantha wants to have a farm petting zoo!”

Evil EJ (making a mental note): “That sounds very peaceful.”

Evil EJ (now opening his second present): “How wonderful. You can never have too many firearms.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happy): “Yes, we know you like guns!”

Evil EJ lifts the handgun in his right hand and looks at it carefully.

Evil EJ (hiding a smirk): “And this one is a beauty…expert craftsmanship…you know, I would swear it is almost exactly like the P47 Klobb that I keep hidden underneath the first aid kit in the east wing laundry room.”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (lying): “You must be mistaken, Evil EJ. We bought this for you.”

Evil EJ (pretending to believe him): “You did? Where?”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying to throw him off): “Samantha thinks that is a very a silly question, Evil EJ. Of course we went to a gun store.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Which one?”

Unsure of what to say next, Evil Crazy EJ consults his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (making their best guess): “Target.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Oh, well then. Clearly I am in error. I shall have to find that section of the store the next time we’re there.”

Evil Crazy EJ (relieved): “Yes, you should!”

Evil EJ puts the gun down on the side of the bed.

Evil EJ (opening his last gift): “Ah, a homemade coupon book with three coupons. The first one says that it is redeemable for some famous artwork.”

Evil Crazy EJ (handing Evil EJ a piece of construction paper): “And we happen to have it right here!”

Genuinely moved, Evil EJ stares down at the drawing for several moments and then smiles at Evil Crazy EJ.

Evil EJ (sincerely): “Thank you. This means a lot to me.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling at his wife): “We knew you would like it, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ (reading his second coupon): “This coupon says it is good for one hour of psychic television.”

Evil EJ (puzzled): “May I inquire as to how this is different from when the three of us usually watch The Mentalist?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “We will make you snacks and bring you a tasty beverage to enjoy. And Samantha promises to not talk about how Patrick is a golden angel during the reveal of the murderer causing Evil EJ to miss the end of the show.”

Evil EJ (casually): “Well, I would prefer her theories about his magical hair to be kept to the time I am fast forwarding the commercials.”

Evil EJ (reading his last coupon): “This coupon says I have to pass a test.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, this is the message part of the story! Can you help the less fortunate?”

Evil EJ (squinting): “I see that fine print on this stipulates something about a shopping spree?”

Evil Crazy EJ (answering): “Yes, you get to take us to Target and buy Samantha as many new outfits as she wants!”

Evil EJ looks at Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll.

Evil EJ (dryly): “How generous of me.”

Suddenly Evil Crazy EJ leans over so he and his Samantha can hug Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (ecstatic): “Yes, we thought so! We knew you could do it! Samantha and I believed in you! You are a very smart person, Evil EJ!”

Amused at their reasoning, Evil EJ hugs them back for several moments before he pulls away.

Evil Crazy EJ (getting up): “Samantha and I are very happy you enjoyed your presents, Evil EJ! Now it’s time for the food!”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha move towards the dining room, and Evil EJ moves to follow them.

Carpe (narrating): “The room had undergone a surprising transformation. The walls and ceiling were so hung with living green, that it looked a perfect grove; from every part of which bright gleaming berries glistened. The crisp leaves of holly, mistletoe, and ivy reflected back the light, as if so many little mirrors had been scattered there; and such a mighty blaze went roaring up the chimney as that dull petrifaction of a hearth had never known in Evil EJ’s time.”

Evil EJ eyes all the candy, cookies, baked goods, chips, and junk food arrayed on the table.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Samantha and I used our Ghosts of Christmas Presents powers to make all this food!”

Evil EJ (considering the spread): “None of this is even remotely healthy, is it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (appalled): “Oh, no, Evil EJ. We made sure this was all food you would actually want to eat.”

Evil EJ (not touching any of it): “I see.”

Evil Crazy EJ glances down at his Samantha and grins.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Yes, Samantha! It is Christmas morning! Now we get to go outside and sing with the idiotic townspeople!”

With amazing quickness, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha bolt outside, and Evil EJ is forced to sprint in order to keep up.

Carpe (narrating): “In the city streets on Christmas morning, the people made a rough, but brisk and not unpleasant kind of music.”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha smile broadly as they sing, and Evil EJ is unable to suppress one of his own as they lead him down the street.

It’s all the ways that we show love
That feel like Christmas

A part of childhood we’ll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
Yes, when you do your best for love
It feels like Christmas

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear

It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year

Carpe (narrating): “And perhaps it was the pleasure the good Spirits had in showing off this power of theirs, or else it was their own kind, generous, hearty nature, that led Evil EJ straight to the Horton cabin.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “I pity the town’s cartographer.”

Carpe (irritated): “Do you want to waste time or do you want to get this over with?”

Evil Crazy EJ, his Samantha, and Evil EJ stop in front of the Horton cabin’s front window and peer inside where Lucas and Sami are standing in the middle of the living room. Lucas is holding a ceramic mug.

Lucas (too loudly): “This is the worst hot chocolate ever.”

Sami (hissing): “Lucas, be quiet! You’ll wake Johnny and Ali.”

Tiny Will (entering the room): “What has mom done now?”

Lucas (shaking his head): “Only waste all the milk on something that takes like burnt toast.”

Sami (making a face): “You see? This is why we’re not together anymore. It’s not that bad.”

Tiny Will (rolling his eyes): “Yeah, right. Come on, mom-you always screw up.”

Lucas (agreeing): “Admit it, Sami. You do always manage to make a mess of things.”

Sami (irritated): “You don’t like it, make your own!”

Sami moves over towards the door as Evil EJ stiffens and pulls away from the window.

Evil EJ (seething): “How touching.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing Evil EJ’s inflection): “No, Evil EJ! The neighbor lady needs your help! She does not want to be with Lucas and stupid Will-she is not happy. She wants to be with you and play with your kids and wait for your new baby!”

Evil EJ (moving over to lean on the door): “All true, but I believe this is the part of the story where through Tiny Tim’s health problems and the Cratchit’s poor financial situation, Scrooge is shown the error of his ways along with the true meaning of Christmas.”

Hearing this, Evil Crazy EJ frowns and consults his Samantha. After several moments, he looks up.

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “Samantha does not think that is right, Evil EJ. She thinks you are supposed to kill Lucas.”

Evil EJ (eyes lighting up): “Your wife is a very wise woman. I certainly wouldn’t want to disappoint her.”

Evil Crazy EJ (vindicated): “Samantha knew you wouldn’t!”

Evil EJ straightens his scarf and knocks on the cabin door as Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha run off.

Evil Crazy EJ (carefully carrying his wife): “Ehehehe…yes, Samantha, this is the part where we go hide!”

Sami’s eyes widen as she opens the door for Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (taking her hand): “Hello, darling. How are you? How’s the baby?”

Sami (glad that he’s there): “We’re both fine. Annoyed, but fine.”

Evil EJ (moving closer to her): “Good.”

Ejami kisses for several minutes.

Sami (opening her eyes): “EJ?”

Evil EJ (stroking her hair): “Yes, Samantha?”

Sami (giggling slightly): “We can’t do this here.”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Then let’s go inside.”

Sami (giggling slightly): “No, I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to, but we do have the plot to consider.”

Evil EJ (frowning): “Do we?”

Sami (also not pleased): “Yes, we do. I mean, if you want this to be over faster so we can be together.”

Lucas (poking at the fire): “Fine. Go ahead, make out with him. It’s not like you didn’t do that all throughout our marriage.”

Evil EJ (looking over at Lucas): “Has that waste of flesh been like this the entire time?”

Sami (sighing): “Yes, unfortunately. I think he’s worried about his idiot Chloe.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I can’t imagine why.”

Evil EJ stares at Sami for several moments before reluctantly moving away.

Evil EJ (leaning in one more time to kiss Sami on the cheek): “But you’re right. I’ll be back later, sweetheart.”

Sami (dismayed as she closes the door): “You’re not going to hurt Lucas first?”

Evil EJ (winking): “Patience.”

With great effort, Evil EJ moves away from the Horton cabin and crosses his arms as he stands in the street.

Evil EJ (impatiently): “Well?"

Only silence greets him.

Evil EJ (looking upward): “I am currently not with my beloved Samantha in order for this infuriating story to move forward. Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha should be here to take me back to the DiMansion.”

Carpe (not wanting to admit it): “They’re not cooperating.”

Evil EJ (sneering): “What do you mean they’re not cooperating? You’re the omnipotent author, you incompetent hack.”

Carpe (defensively): “You’re only one they always listen to, and they say they’d rather not have to stop playing Disney Princess: Enchanted Journey on the computer just to show up for two lines.”

Evil EJ (thoughtfully): “They do love that program. Evil Crazy EJ has spent hours designing new outfits with his Samantha.”

Carpe (scrambling): “We’re almost done, so I’ll just have the last ghost meet you here for the next part. Hang on.”

Evil EJ (under his breath): “One more chapter.”

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