Thursday, January 1, 2009

Just the Christmas I've Been Waiting For

Ready for the final ghost, Evil EJ smiles as he waits.

Evil EJ (twisting the knife): “Cutting it a little close, aren’t we?”

Carpe (frantic): “It’s not technically Christmas yet!”

Evil EJ (smugly): “Better hurry.”

Evil EJ turns his head as a dark figure moves out from a nearby alley towards him.

Carpe (narrating): “The Phantom slowly, gravely, silently approached, and in the very air through which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter gloom and mystery. It was shrouded in a deep gray garment, which concealed its head, its face, its form, and left nothing of it visible, save two outstretched hands holding a gleaming scythe. But for this, it would have been difficult to detach its figure from the sudden night that had fallen and separate it from the darkness by which it was surrounded.”

Evil EJ (unimpressed): “Not exactly a practical man, are you?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing.

Evil EJ (yawning): “Oh, yes, how foreboding. Let’s get on with it then, eh?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future again says nothing. He then swings his scythe and uses his Ghost of Christmas Future powers to send both of them into the future. They arrive in a snowy graveyard, and the Phantom points to two persons meeting some distance away.

Carpe (narrating): “Oh, cold, cold, rigid, dreadful death, set up thine altar here, and dress it with such terrors as thou hast at thy command: for this is thy dominion!”

Future Sami (crying as she looks at the grave): “Oh, no, Will, no!”

Future Lucas (volcanic): “This is all your fault, Sami! He died from flesh eating bacteria! He would have been fine if he hadn’t had that sore throat he got from yelling at you!”

Future Sami (sobbing): “My baby, no, oh no!”

Evil EJ looks at the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Evil EJ (offhandedly): “As saddened as I am at Samantha’s pain at the loss of her child, you do realize that this is actually an incentive for me, don’t you? I’d finally be able to get my PlayStation 3 back from that ungrateful brat. He never even invited me over to play Resistance on it.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing after it successfully stops itself from snickering.

Carpe (quietly): “The Phantom moved forward into another part of the cemetery. Evil EJ joined it, and, wondering why and whither he had gone, accompanied it until they reached an iron gate. He paused to look round before entering. The Spirit stood among the ignored graves, and pointed down to one. Evil EJ advanced towards it. The Phantom was exactly as it had been, but he saw new meaning in its solemn shape.”

Like a touch from hell
I feel how hot that it can get if you get caught
Like a strike from Heaven that turns that key
That brings you straight down to your knees

Like a touch from hell
I feel how hot that it can get if I get caught
Like a strike from Heaven to reprieve
That brings you straight down to your knees

Carpe (with emphasis): “Immovable as ever, the Ghost still pointed downward to the grave.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I wonder whose grave this could be.”

Carpe (somberly): “And Evil EJ read upon the stone of the neglected grave his own name, Elvis DiMera, with the inscription that he died alone.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Just the funeral I’ve been waiting for.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future and Evil EJ stare at each other for nearly a full minute until Evil EJ walks towards the headstone and casually leans on it.

Evil EJ (smirking and raising an eyebrow): “If only.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing for several moments until it sighs loudly. Beaten, it removes its hood and reveals its actor, Gray EJ.

Gray EJ (sighing again): “I knew this wasn’t going to work.”

Evil EJ (listing): “Between Samantha, the twins, the new baby on the way, Father, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha, you, Prince Valiant, Dora the Goodness Explorer, Johnny 5 and his son, and the Ghoul That Wouldn’t Die, I’m lucky if I get a few moments alone to myself, much less have time to truly rest.”

Gray EJ (dejected): “True, but I practiced for weeks.”

Evil EJ walks over to Gray EJ and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “And it paid off. Come now, Gray EJ. You’re the only one who could have played this part. I was almost frightened there for a few moments.”

Gray EJ (asking): “But isn’t the whole point of this story that Scrooge is supposed to undergo a redemptive arc? That by the end he truly is a better man?”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “Because I learned that my nefarious deeds were leading me to my eternal damnation? Not this time. You know as well as I do, fencesitter, that fictional characters can never truly die. This is a reckoning that will never come to me nor any of us. We exist as we are forever.”

Carpe (elaborating): “Moreover, I write to entertain, not to educate. Since Evil EJ is the hero of this tale, wrong is right, and his untoward acts are to be enjoyed and celebrated. Go read the original if you want a traditional moral to the story.”

Evil EJ (vindicated): “You heard the woman.”

Gray EJ (sighing): “I suppose. And I bet you have some people to kill now, don’t you?”

Evil EJ (anticipating): “Yes, that does sound delicious, doesn’t it?”

Gray EJ (shifting in place): “Well, I’m going to go change then. This cloak thing is terribly itchy.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, I’ll see you at the cast party afterwards.”

Gray EJ (smiling): “Okay, have fun.”

Evil EJ (darkly): “I always do.”

Gray EJ swings his scythe and uses his Ghost of Christmas Future powers to send Evil EJ back to early Christmas morning.

Evil EJ (sarcastically as he gets out of bed): “It’s Christmas Day-I haven’t missed it! I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future! The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. Oh, Jacob Marley! Heaven and the Christmas Time be praised for this!”

Carpe (quickly): “Running to the window, he opened it, and put out his head. No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, and stirring. Cold, piping for the blood to dance to, golden sunlight, heavenly sky, sweet fresh air, merry bells. Oh, glorious! Glorious!”

Evil EJ (snidely): “I am as happy as an angel. A Merry Christmas to everybody! A Happy New Year to all the world!

Evil EJ sees a newcomer to town walking towards the DiMansion.

Evil EJ (nicely as he looks down): “Feliz Navidad, Señor. Hoy es un día maravilloso, no?”

Rafe (annoyed): “Speak English, you British fop.”

Evil EJ’s countenance darkens.

Evil EJ (less nicely): “Well, Ninja Turtle, your intelligence on current FBI matters was on point. I trust everything was in order for your payment.”

Rafe (more annoyed): “Yes, and I just came over here to tell you that I’m never doing that again no matter how much I need the money. I’m not your errand boy.”

Rafe starts to move away.

Evil EJ (calling down to him): “Your choice. But you forgot your tip.”

Rafe turns around and looks up only to see a black American Express Credit Card fly towards him. He stumbles backwards as the card lodges in his jugular vein and falls to the ground, cracking his skull open on the icy pavement.

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “No one touches Samantha but me.”

Carpe (smirking): “Having dispatched yet another unworthy rival, Evil EJ dressed himself all in his best, and at last got out into the streets. The people were by this time pouring forth, as he had seen them with the Ghosts of Christmas Presents and, walking with his hands behind him, Evil EJ regarded every one with a delighted smile.”

As Evil EJ determinedly walks down the street, he runs into Robo EJ pushing Baby Ernie in a stroller.

ROBO EJ (suddenly remembering he has lines): “EVIL EJ? CAN HAVE CHRISTMAS MON-”

Evil EJ (already anticipating the situation): “Here’s your check, you walking aluminum can.”


Evil EJ (bending down and adjusting Ernie’s blanket): “And be more careful with young Ernie, will you? You don’t want him to get sick.”


Evil EJ continues to walk down the street only to see Brady coming towards him.

Brady (waving): “Hello, cousin! Have you recon-”

Evil EJ watches as an icicle from one of the overhangs above falls and impales Brady in the chest. Pleased, he walks over to Brady.

Evil EJ (cheerfully): “Here, let me help you with that.”

Brady (in shock): “No, don’t! Don’t pull it ou-”

Blood gushes everywhere and Brady collapses as Evil EJ removes the icicle.

Evil EJ (considering): “Oh, well, yes, that wasn’t a very good idea, was it? Of course, that wasn’t very good writing either, but that’s Grey’s for you. Izzie and Denny the Stalking Ghost, please.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Nothing personal, but you do know how frosty distant family relations can be, cousin.”

Two for two, Evil EJ steps over Brady’s soon to be dead body and hurries to the Horton cabin. Inside, Sami and the twins are ready and waiting for him. Sami is dressed in a red Christmas dress and with matching coat in while the twins are in black and red snowsuits.

Sami (hugging him as she opens the door): “Oh, EJ!”

Evil EJ (peeking inside): “Is everyone ready to go?”

Sami (prepared): “Yes, we’re all set, and Will’s already so fed up with everything that he’s on his way back to Carrie and Austin’s in Switzerland.”

Evil EJ (pleased): “Excellent. Where’s Lucas?”

Sami (explaining): “He went to go get some hot chocolate from Starbucks before he went to work, but-wait, there he is.”

Sami and Evil EJ turn their heads to see Lucas coming towards them.

Evil EJ (turning around): “Merry Christmas, Lucas. May I have a word with you before we go to work this morning?”

Lucas (casually): “Sure, that’s fine with me.”

Evil EJ (to Sami): “Would you mind?”

Sami (smiling): “Of course not.”

Sami shuts the door, and both Lucas and Evil EJ take a few steps out into the middle of the street. Lucas then looks at Evil EJ.

Lucas (sipping his drink): “What’s up?”

Evil EJ (plainly): “Well first, I actually want to say that you’ve been an outstanding assistant to me lately.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “But more than that, I really appreciate how you’ve handled this whole situation between Samantha and myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and since it is the start of a new year soon, it is long over due for me to forgive you for everything that’s happened between us…and for me to genuinely mean it this time. Especially for you shooting me in the back at my wedding to Samantha.”

Lucas (nodding): “I appreciate that. I was only looking out for Sami, and I’m glad that you’re finally starting to warm up to me.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “You’re a good man, Lucas. Friends?”

Lucas looks at Evil EJ’s outstretched right hand.

Lucas (taking it): “Friends.”

A shot is heard as the two men shake hands, and, feeling a sharp pain in his chest, Lucas stares at Evil EJ in horror. Having fired at Lucas with his gun in his left hand, Evil EJ takes a step back and smirks.

Evil EJ (absolute zero): “Good. Because friends are all about returning favors.”

Lucas (falling to the ground): “You DiMera bas-”

Evil EJ (interrupting him): “What a beautiful day to bury the past, eh, sunshine?”

Thoroughly pleased, Evil EJ enjoys every moment of Lucas’ death spasms, slowly reholstering his weapon as he watches Lucas die bleeding on the frozen ground before him. He admires his work for several moments afterwards before Sami opens the door behind him.

Sami (looking at the corpse): “Now we’ll never have to worry about him bothering us again. Nicely done.”

Evil EJ (sighing happily): “You always know just what to say, darling.”

Ejami turns around and moves to gather their children. Sami picks up Johnny while Evil EJ holds Ali, and all four of them leave the cabin.

Sami (asking as they walk): “So it’s back to the mansion?”

Evil EJ (slyly): “Maybe…or I could give you your Christmas present.”

Sami (lighting up as she guesses): “You didn’t.”

Evil EJ (proudly): “I most certainly did.”

Sami (excited): “Oh, we have to go to the refuribished abandoned house then. But don’t you have to work today, EJ?”

Evil EJ grins at his beloved.

Evil EJ (warmly): “Of course not, my dear. It’s Christmas. Why else have minions? They have to work, not me.”

Around and around and back home again
To a place where we know we are loved

Evil EJ (beaming at Sami): “Unlike that insane idiot on that pretentious program, I don’t need a slideshow to remind me to appreciate you and our children, darling.”

Carpe (narrating): “And it was always said of Evil EJ that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, God bless us, everyone!”

Ejami (jointly): “Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, Ejami fans!”

Evil EJ (warmly): “Enjoy the festivities, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Carpe (stating the obvious): “Naughty and not nice then.”

Sami (smiling at Evil EJ): “Of course.”

Evil EJ (grinning back): “You wouldn’t have it any other way, sweetheart.”

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