Monday, December 15, 2008

History Is Written By The Victors

Having stymied his author, Evil EJ waits for her to continue.

Carpe (improvising): “Suddenly not tired, Evil EJ stood in place as he listened for the hour.”

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “Now that’s just sad.”

Carpe (defensive): “I needed a transition.”

Carpe (continuing): “Evil EJ stood in this state until the chime had gone three quarters more when he remembered on a sudden that the ghost had warned him of a visitation when the bell tolled one.”

Evil EJ (triumphantly): “The hour itself, and nothing else!”

A being shimmers into place before Evil EJ.

Carpe (narrating): “It was a strange figure. For, as its belt sparkled and glittered, now in one part and now in another, and what was light one instant at another time was dark, so the figure itself fluctuated in its distinctness. And, in the very wonder of this, it would be itself again; distinct and clear as ever.”

Evil EJ (questioning): “Are you the spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?”

Hero EJ (answering): “I am!”

Carpe (adding detail): “The voice was soft and gentle.”

Evil EJ (another question): “Who and what are you?”

Hero EJ (pompously): “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

At this declaration, Evil EJ walks over to Hero EJ and puts his arm around his shoulders.

Evil EJ (seriously): “I must say, Hero EJ, I’m very proud of you. Gender reassignment surgery is such a courageous choice, and-”

Infuriated at the insinuation, Hero EJ grabs Evil EJ’s arm, twists him upside down, and flings him across the room. Evil EJ hits the opposing wall with a loud thud and rests on the floor for a moment as he winces in pain.

Evil EJ (not happy): “What happened to home field advantage?”

Carpe (informatively): “Just because the house heavily favors you doesn’t mean you’re going to win every bet.”

Hero EJ (smirking): “Your reclamation has arrived.”

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “I’ll reclamate someone, all right.”

On guard, Evil EJ pulls himself into a sitting position.

Evil EJ (eyeing Hero EJ as he speaks): “You are here for the long past?”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “No. Your past.”

Hero EJ walks over to Evil EJ and offers his hand.

Hero EJ (smiling): “Shall we, sunshine?”

Evil EJ (not taking it as he gets up): “Indeed.”

Hero EJ uses his Ghost of Christmas Past powers to bring himself and Evil EJ into the past, arriving at a lake at a very familiar summer resort.

Hero EJ (explaining): “These are but shadows of the things that have been. They have no consciousness of us.”

Evil EJ (not trusting him): “Says the man dressed as Legolas’ sexually confused twin brother.”

Both Hero EJ and Evil EJ watch as Stefano tries to push away a younger version of themselves dressed in swim trunks as he clings to his father for dear life.

Toddler EJ (afraid): “No, father.”

Stefano (insistent): “Yes, Elvis.”

Toddler EJ (shaking his head): “No.”

Stefano (not patient): “Elvis, let go of my hand. You know what happens when you defy me.”

Toddler EJ (not obeying): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (showing his reasoning): “This is an important part of your training. The water can hurt you, my son, but you have to embrace your fear in order to conquer it.”

Toddler EJ (up to his neck in water): “No. I don’t want to, father.”

Stefano (firmly): “It doesn’t matter what you want. Now, Elvis, I want you to let go of my hand.”

Toddler EJ (terrified of the waves lapping at him): “No.”

Stefano looks at his son for a moment before forcefully removing his hand from his offspring’s, grabbing him by the back of the neck, and plunging him face first into the water.

Hero EJ (covering his eyes at the sight): “I can’t watch. It’s too painful.”

Evil EJ (more uncomfortable than he’d like): “Subtle is not our lethargic author’s strong suit, eh?”

Hero EJ (refusing to peek through his fingers): “Oh, I really don’t want to remember any of this.”

Evil EJ (clenching his jaw): “I’m betting this is it as she won’t want to give away anything else that she can use in Damaged if she ever gets around to finishing it.”

Carpe (ready to move on): “When, not if, and yes, this isn’t the place for that.”

Exhaling in relief, Hero EJ brings himself and Evil EJ forward in the timeline to a certain apartment hallway.

Flashback Sami (liking what she’s seeing): “And you are?

Flashback EJ (extending his hand): “I’m EJ.”

Flashback Sami (taking it and pulling him close to her): “I’m Sami…and I’m yours.”

Flashback EJ (wrapping his arm around her waist): “You should know I’m a DiMera.”

Flashback Sami (moving her lips towards his): “Even better.”

As Flashback Ejami kisses, Hero EJ looks over at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (grinning): “Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday.”

Hero EJ (flatly): “That’s not what happened.”

Evil EJ (mock confusion): “It’s not?”

The scene shifts as Hero EJ and Evil EJ move forward in time.

Flashback Sami (holding his hand): “This is lovely, EJ. Who knew Paris was so beautiful at Christmas?”

Flashback EJ (smirking): “I might have had some indication the City of Lights had something to offer you this time of year, darling.”

Flashback Sami (corner of her mouth turning up): “I’ll bet.”

Flashback EJ (grinning as he looks at her): “I’m always thinking of you.”

Flashback Sami (smiling back): “You are, aren’t you?”

Still holding her hand, Flashback EJ takes a step back and gets down on one knee as Flashback Sami watches in surprise.

Flashback EJ (sincerely): “Yes, sweetheart. Samantha…you’re the only woman in the world who could have made me into the man I am today.”

Flashback EJ deftly slips a ring onto Flashback Sami’s finger.

Flashback EJ (softly as he looks into her eyes): “Will you marry me?”

Flashback Sami stares at Flashback EJ for a moment.

Flashback Sami (grabbing onto him): “YES!!!”

Flashback EJ (holding her tight as he closes his eyes): “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Hero EJ rolls his eyes at Evil EJ as Flashback Ejami hugs.

Evil EJ (pretending to dab his eyes with his handkerchief): “It’s just…so beautiful.”

Hero EJ (annoyed): “That didn’t happen either!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Oh, come now, do you really want to relive our actual history on this show? The illustriously idiotic events we’ve been a party to? The ‘rape?’ The cabin or freezer incidents? All the other insulting plotting? This is what should have happened, and you know it.”

Hero EJ (admitting): “Well, you have me there. But even with all that, everything was wonderful was until you decided to dump Sami for Nicole.”

Evil EJ (crossing his arms): “I did nothing of the sort. That walking corpse did.”

Hero EJ (hurt): “I told you these were shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me!”

Evil EJ (ice cold): “I don’t. I hold the writers responsible.”

Hero EJ and Evil EJ come upon Zombie Dallas EJ and Nicole in sitting on a bench in Salem Park after a recent snowfall. Nicole is tugging on Zombie Dallas EJ’s coat sleeve while he is trying to speak to her.

Zombie Dallas EJ (seriously): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “You always tell me how smart I am, EJ. I know, I’m so great! That’s why I get all the screentime on the show. Everyone loves me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (trying again): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “Yes, I know, baby cakes, I’m so intelligent. That’s one of the many things people adore about me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (making pouty face): “Brain?”

Nicole (talking): “The ratings and demographics are just wrong! Fortunately TPTB know how fantastic I am and write for me all the time. People need to have me on five days a week and in every single storyline always!”

Aghast at the sickening display, Evil EJ rolls his eyes while Hero EJ shifts uncomfortably.

Zombie Dallas EJ (trouble holding back): “Brain!”

Nicole (still talking): “Yes, yes, I’m such a good girl! There’s never been such a breathtaking woman like me on the show, especially not Sa-”

Nicole’s words are cut short as blood abruptly appears in the middle of her forehead, and her body falls backward onto the bench. Surprised, Hero EJ turns to his side to see Evil EJ lower his right arm, his hand holding his gun complete with silencer that has just been used to permanently quiet Nicole.

Hero EJ (looking upward as he raises his hands in the air): “Oh, COME ON!”

There is a faint sound akin to muffled snickering.

Evil EJ (mock apologetically to Hero EJ): “I’m sorry-did you want to kill her?”

Seeing Nicole’s skull cracked open and its contents spread all over the bench and the snow drift behind it, Zombie Dallas EJ looks hopefully at Evil EJ.

Zombie Dallas EJ (excitedly): “Brain?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Certainly. It’s not as if she was using it. But you get any of that on either of us, the next one will be for you.”

Zombie Dallas EJ (ecstatic): “BRAIN!!!!”

As Zombie Dallas EJ munches on Nicole’s corpse, Evil EJ confronts Hero EJ.

Evil EJ (insulted): “You chose Nicole for Belle?!”

Hero EJ (stating the obvious): “Who else would it have been? Kate? She couldn’t be Samantha since Scrooge doesn’t end up with Belle.”

Evil EJ (still not satisfied): “Belle is supposed to be Scrooge’s soulmate. How dare you defile our love for our Samantha!”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No more than the show has with all its Ejole pimping. And Belle, well…she’s a spiteful, ungrateful woman. I mean, she dumps Scrooge for not buying them a house to live in as a couple when he’s just being fiscally responsible. And all that ‘you used to love me’ passive aggressive baiting of him. It’s pathetic.”

Evil EJ (considering Hero EJ): “Yes, she is quite the insipid twit. I admit I’m surprised we agree on this, elf boy. Perhaps you aren’t so hopeless, after all.”

Evil EJ (looking upward): “And no, that wasn’t an invitation to link to that maudlin ‘When Love Is Gone’ song. There’s a reason Disney left that out of the widescreen DVD release.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I wouldn’t dare. Way too bitter. I have something else in mind.”

And they’re coming through the door
And up through the floor
And it comes to me
That zombies can’t dance

Evil EJ (grinning): “How delightfully inappropriate.”

Hero EJ (considering): “I wonder how factually accurate that song is.”

Evil EJ (interest piqued): “Let’s find out, shall we?”

Zombie Dallas EJ looks up from his meal as Evil EJ gestures with his gun slightly.

Evil EJ (matter of fact): “That wasn’t a request.”

Taking the overt hint, Zombie Dallas EJ moves away from Nicole’s half-eaten body and begins a routine as he’s joined by numerous extras.

And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller

Hero EJ (cringing): “Is that really dancing?”

Evil EJ (pointing): “Bring on the control group!”

All eyes on me
In the center of the ring
Just like a circus
Get a real tight grip
Everybody don’t trip
Just like a circus

After the flourish of the song, both real EJs are left unimpressed.

Hero EJ (dismayed): “Apparently so.”

Evil EJ (gritting his teeth): “We are not settling for this.”

Both Evil EJ and Hero EJ smile as Flashback Sami rests in Flashback EJ’s arms at the conclusion of their dancing.

Hero EJ (sighing): “The tango and the abandoned house dancing were lovely.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Indeed. We fit together with Samantha perfectly.”

Evil EJ (digging): “You do know that is your worst montage, don’t you? I’m shocked you didn’t break the internet in half with the sped up clips.”

Carpe (irritated): “It’s also my first. And if the show stopped being conceited and started being entertaining again, I’d make some more with the new material.”

Having explored Evil EJ’s past, Hero EJ returns himself and Evil EJ to Evil EJ’s room at the DiMera mansion in the present timeline.

Hero EJ (trying to be nice): “Well, our trip through your past is complete. It was…interesting. And of course you learned absolutely nothing, I suppose.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Are you leaving?”

Hero EJ (nodding as he yawns): “Yes. My time grows short.”

Taking advantage of his companion’s relaxation, Evil EJ suddenly raises his gun and fires at Hero EJ. Completely shocked, Hero EJ activates his Ghost of Christmas Past powers and disappears before the bullet can hit him, leaving the shot to move through empty air before lodging in the wall. Disappointed, Evil EJ stares at the impact point for several seconds and then reluctantly reholsters his weapon.

Evil EJ (frustrated): “Not even in a parody.”

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