Saturday, May 17, 2008

Local Salem Commercial Break

Ah, summertime, and you know what that means, sweetheart. After all, as the temperature rises, so does the crime rate, and neither your minions nor your victims intimidate themselves, do they?

Yet strangling someone effectively can be an intimidating endeavor. You may think that you don’t have the upper body strength to effectively choke someone. Or you may believe it would take years to hone the proper technique. Say no more. Between freeing hardened criminals, running my own criminal empire and Used Vehicle Emporium, manipulating my other four personalities, taking care of the twins, and controlling my beloved Samantha, I, Evil EJ, am pressed for time as well. That’s why I’ve consolidated my throttling moves into a simple routine that I share with you in my new exercise DVD Strangling with Style. For only $19.95, you too can learn how to consistently choke people in a mere fifteen minutes a day three times a week. Forget worrying about individual muscle groups, darling, and follow my step by step instructions as my patented exercises combine to give you a full upper body workout. In no time at all you’ll always be prepared when the opportunity to crush a windpipe presents itself.

Act now, and I’ll also throw in my Subtle Stalking DVD at no additional charge. You’ll learn how to appear to be innocuously watching your wife when in actuality you’re ensuring that the object of your obsession doesn’t do anything without your knowledge and that you don’t wholeheartedly approve.

So take charge of your subjects today and pick up a copy of Strangling with Style at a local retailer near you, online, or stop by my Used Vehicle Emporium at the corner of County Road E and Highway 65. Strangling with Style. Because sometimes a man needs to choke a witch.

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