Sunday, October 12, 2008

Gray EJ Reviews Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

Welcome to Gray EJ’s Craft Corner. As always, I am your host, Gray EJ, and I’m pleased to once again share my craftsmanship with you. Today I will be demonstrating how to build 3-D cardboard dioramas, construct an igloo out of balsa wood just like the ones Canadians live in, and assemble nearly any sort of box. Now, let’s get started, shall we? Dioramas aren’t just for grade school kids class projects. They are a fun and enjoyable activity for all and-wait. I’m sorry, I have to take this. Excuse me for a moment.

Hi, Evil EJ, are you enjoy-no. No, I didn’t think that was funny. No, I wasn’t trying to be funny; I was trying to be informative. Oh, the review? No, I decided against that since the show was so disgusting today. Yes? What? ‘People don’t want to read about your moronic hobbies?’ Well, I beg to differ, and-no. No. No, you don’t need to come over here. No, I can do it-I can do it. It’s fine, really. But I’ll warn you, I couldn’t even watch the entire episode it was so bad. Okay? Uh-huh, ‘plow ahead anyway and figure out the end yourself, you ignorant maggot’…thanks for the help. No, I was being sarcastic. No, I know you know that. Dammit, Evil EJ, that is not appropriate to say over the phone where Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha can hear you. No? Well, same to you. Yes, I’ll see you later. Goodbye.

Sigh. I apologize. Apparently, I have to review today’s episode of Days instead or Evil EJ is going to cut off my toes with a weedwacker. I’ll try.

Today Zombie Dallas EJ was waiting around for Samantha at Chez Rouge and insulting her with lines like “She's been acting very strangely, Lucas, even by her standards.” Like he has room to talk. As if being a reanimated corpse is normal.

This is where Evil EJ would insult Lucas along the lines of “I hope you’re not looking for your mail order bride. I showed her a photo of you on my cell phone, and she took off running. I can’t imagine why,” or “I’m surprised to see you up this early, Lucas, considering your late night at the morgue trying to scrounge up a date. After all, no woman alive would willingly spend time with you.”

Meanwhile Nicole decided that wet ‘n wild isn’t just a cosmetics brand.

And over in 1977, Samantha decided to freak out over my father’s gift to Johnny when you can buy nearly the exact same thing at Tiffany’s.

Because she’s tired and pregnant, Samantha decided to take a nap, and thank goodness she did otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten her laughable nightmares.

She hasn’t aged a day, hasn’t she?

My father may be the Phoenix, but I honestly doubt he would look the same fifteen plus years into the future.

“Grandfather's gonna encourage my professors to give me straight A's.” Odd, I don’t remember Father doing that for us.
“Wait a second. Johnny, you are a smart boy. You could earn those A's on your own.” Yes, as we did.
“Of course I can. But why waste our family's power and influence? We'd be stupid not to.” No, you would be stupid to do that as it robs you of the skills and knowledge gained by doing your own work. You can’t run an evil empire on a GED.
“What happened to your morals? What happened to working hard?” While quite the proponent of pushing one’s self, Evil EJ would argue that Samantha is being a hypocrite here, and I tend to agree as the real Samantha has as many morals as he does. None.

Back in the other part of the plot we don’t care about, Zombie Dallas EJ was stymied by both Lucas and Nicole. Neither I nor Evil EJ would put up with getting the brush off here from these simpletons, but that’s a zombie for you. We’re just lucky he hasn’t tried to eat anyone’s brain yet…no, I take that back. That would be a better show, wouldn’t it?

And the anti-chemistry continues. By my count, he turned his head to look for Samantha eight times. Of course Nicole didn’t notice because she’s used to having men keep one eye out for the authorities when they’re speaking with her.

“She told me she needs to speak to me about something, and she says it's really important, and I am terrified that it's got something to do with Johnny.” Someone is a wimp.
“Nicole, that is what binds Samantha and me - our son. It's the only reason that I care about her - because we share this child.” Blasphemy. Note to self, set Zombie Dallas EJ on fire when he returns home.

Still not old.

Samantha, do you know how many things are wrong with your supposedly horrific scenario here? We wouldn’t whack someone in the mansion, and if we idiotically decided to do so anyway, we wouldn’t do it in front of an open window or without the appropriate clean up gear. And we certainly wouldn’t do it with you there.

“You should have thought of that before you double-crossed the DiMeras.” I think the show should have thought of this clichéd and inept dialogue.

Seriously. I bet that still has the serial numbers on it. And our son was better looking in the previous part of the nightmare.

“Lucas, I have to find some way to protect my children from Stefano.” You could always start by not living in the same home. Moreover, Samantha, you have committed war crimes against humanity, and Evil EJ murders people. Johnny already has the supervillain pedigree without involving my father at all.

“What are the vapors? I don't even know what that means.” Say it with sarcasm, you idiot!
“I'm really sorry if I've been giving you mixed signals.” How about giving her the middle finger?

“I don't know if we can stop Stefano. And I think he knows I'm pregnant. He said that he hopes EJ and I give him more heirs, and then he was looking at my stomach, and it was creepy, and I just think he knew.” Well, you did touch your abdomen and pause dramatically. Who wouldn’t notice?

“Nicole, please tell me you are not asking me to choose between you and Samantha.” CHOOSE SAMANTHA!
“It's just I would like both of you to be in my life.” No, we don’t! Kill Nicole!
“I'm not saying that it is, but the whole situation with the two of you emotionally is very complicated.” No, it’s not! We love Samantha and Samantha alone!
“I'm sorry. You're gonna think I'm a real selfish bastard for saying this, but can we just please let it be for right now? Please?” Please kill Nicole!
“Nicole, this is a new relationship - you and I - and I'm sorry. I need to know where it's going before I make some kind of commitment.” It’s going to get the show canceled, that’s where it’s going.
“Nicole, I think-I think you are wonderful... and I care about you very much. You know that.” So why do you keep avoiding looking at her?
“ about you and Samantha very much.” Oh, way to commit there.

I gave up somewhere around this point. I’m sure Zombie Dallas EJ drooled all over the tablecloth while Marlena grinned psychotically at him and Lumi lamely worried about something that’s not a problem and already too late to stop anyway. But it’s not like it matters. I’m thinking a 1.8 and 0.9 demo for this episode.

Grade: Z-. Absolutely terrible and a complete waste of my time and yours. It really is too bad that Days tries to pass this torture off as entertainment. However, I wouldn’t want to end on such a depressing note, so here’s a simple project you can do at home. A popsicle log cabin!

1. Buy several boxes of popsicles at your local supermarket.
2. Eat the popsicles. This can be a difficult task by all by yourself, so you might want to have some friends help you. Or you can always ask Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. They love sweets.
3. Save the sticks, clean them with a paper towel, and set them out to dry on some paper plates on a flat surface.
4. After the sticks are dry, use them as the boards for your cabin, and secure them to each other using non-toxic glue. Don’t worry about making a structurally sound building. Crafts are meant to be fun, and whatever makes you happy is what you should construct.

And there you go! Much more satisfying than the show, eh?

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