Friday, June 13th, 2008

Oh, yippie, it’s the Pub again. At least EJ’s looking nice.
“I have found a way to force Victor’s hand.” A violent way, perhaps? Please?
“It’s not that I’ve forgotten-it’s that I’m not interested because of my feelings for Samantha.” Exactly, EJ. Nicole needs to move on.
“I really appreciate your honesty. I’ll keep it in mind.” Let’s not and say we did, shall we?
“I can trust you, right?” EJ, you’ve already said several times that you can’t!
“Pinky swear?” Oh, man. You know, I just don’t care anymore. You two amuse yourselves. I’ll be here daydreaming about Evil EJ pressing Nicole’s face into a hot waffle iron.



“Don’t mind me-this is all set up for Monday’s episode.”

Grade: D-. Ejole, you try my patience, you really do. Wake up, show! THIS IS BORING! And Summer EJ, you were almost too good today even when Nicole totally insulted you, Sami, and your house. This better be going somewhere.

Monday, June 9th, 2008

“You know, the kiss would be a lot better if you actually helped.” Oh, I wholeheartedly disagree, Nicole. He’s just not that into you.



You’d think EJ actually functioning as Nicole’s and Ava’s lawyer here would be more interesting but no such luck.



“If Philip offers you some of his cocaine, just remember that little chat we had about drugs two years ago.”

Grade: D. Misusing EJ like this is a waste of both his time and mine.

Key to My Heart

EJ has invited Nicole to a romantic dinner at the DiMansion. Dressed to the hilt, Nicole takes this as a sign that their relationship is finally progressing in a positive direction. EJ opens the door for her as soon as she arrives.

EJ (appreciating her dress): “Stunning, simply stunning. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

Nicole (winking): “Calm down, big boy. Save the excitement for later. You look nice as well-I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in an all black suit before.”

EJ (smiling): "It’s a good color on me, don't you think?

Nicole (looking him up and down): “Yes, that and the scruff. Oooh, sinister.”

EJ (nicely): “Well, I wouldn’t read anything into it."

Nicole (smiling back): “So where is everyone?”

EJ (idly): “After he prepared our food, Rolf took the rest of the night off, and everyone else has kindly agreed to stay away for the evening. It’s just the two of us.”

Nicole (squealing): “Just the way I like it.”

EJ shows Nicole to the dining room, and they have a lovely dinner. She comments on how good the food is, and EJ agrees. Afterward, Nicole is ready for action. She comes over to EJ and sits on his lap, pawing his shoulders. Looking at her, EJ sits in his chair and grins.

EJ (tilting his head): "Do you really want to do this?"

Nicole (seductively): "Baby, I've wanted to do this for a long time."

EJ (considering): "Well, if that's how you'd like to spend the last thirty minutes, I might as well oblige you."

Nicole (wondering): "Thirty minutes?"

EJ (explaining): "Oh, did I fail to mention that? This is going to be our first and last date."

Nicole (removing her hands from him): "EJ, stop kidding around."

EJ (calmly): "Do I look like I’m joking, darling?"

Nicole (concerned): "Okay, you're scaring me. What do you mean by thirty minutes?"

EJ (thinking): "Well, it’s more like twenty-eight now."

Nicole (worried): "Come on, EJ. This isn’t funny."

EJ (disagreeing): "I find it rather amusing actually. But very well. That's how long the sodium/potassium pump in your cells will continue to function. Heart failure is an insidious killer and rather overlooked in women."

Horrified, Nicole stands up.

Nicole (apprehensively): "What the hell are you talking about?"

EJ checks his watch.

EJ (clarifying for her): "Due to what your dinner was laced with, in approximately twenty-six minutes you will no longer be among us."

Realizing what EJ has just told her, Nicole panics and starts flailing at EJ.

Nicole (freaked out): "You bastard! How could you?! You can't kill me!"

EJ (amused): "I eliminate people very well, thank you. And my dear, it's not as if anyone would actually miss you."

Nicole desperately stops hitting EJ and grabs hold of him.

Nicole (imploring): "Pookie would! She really, really would! She’d be alone in the world!"

EJ (rolling his eyes): "I’m sure something can be arranged."

EJ smirks sinisterly.

Nicole (screaming): "No, not Pookie too! No, no! EJ, you can’t do this! Please! I'll do anything!"

EJ (raising his eyebrow): "Anything?"

Nicole (shaking): "Anything! Yes, please, anything!"

EJ (pretending to think): "Well...I suppose someone might have thought of this eventuality and happened to have the correct antidote on hand."

Nicole (hysterical): "Yes, yes, yes! Give it to me!"

EJ looks at his watch.

EJ (calculating): "You have at least another nineteen minutes...assuming I estimated your height and weight correctly."

Nicole looks at EJ as though he’s insane.

Nicole (recoiling): "What in the hell is wrong with you?"

EJ (indignantly): "Me? Nothing. I’m not the one in the early stages of heart failure."

Nicole (losing it): "GIVE IT TO ME!"

Nicole tries to fight EJ, but EJ easily takes hold of her neck and chokes her as he stands.

EJ (whispering threateningly): "Define anything."

Nicole (sputtering): "Anything anything! I mean anything!"

EJ (eyes lighting up): "Promise? Cross your heart and hope to die?"

EJ snickers as Nicole stares at him in terror.

Nicole (petrified): "YES YES YES YOU SICK BASTARD ANYTHING!!!"

EJ looks at her darkly.

EJ (smirking): "Very well."

EJ lets go of Nicole and removes a vial from beneath his suit jacket.

EJ (shaking the antidote): "I had to have this specially flown in from Uruguay."

Nicole (irate): "That’s fascinating, EJ-now give it to me!"

EJ (looking at her): "We've got at least ten minutes to get specific about anything."

Nicole (begging): "Please, EJ, I’d negotiate so much better if I didn’t have to worry about my heart exploding, please."

EJ glares at Nicole.

EJ (irritated): “It’s not going to explode, sweetheart. Do you even know how your heart works?"

Nicole (crying): "Please, EJ…please, please EJ, please."

EJ (glancing at watch): "I suppose. After all, this is estimation and not exact science."

EJ offhandedly tosses the vial to Nicole. Completely surprised, Nicole barely catches it. She frantically downs it and relaxes after she does while EJ considers her.

EJ (informatively): "I only ordered one."

Nicole stares at him disbelievingly.

Nicole (eyes widening): "You mean if I wouldn’t have caught it-"

Smiling, EJ looks at his watch.

EJ (gesturing widely): "Oh come on, you can do so much in five minutes."

Swallowing hard, Nicole slowly backs away from EJ as she thinks.

Nicole (trying to process): "You're insane, you know that? I can't-I can't believe you just did that…EJ, what are you?"

EJ walks up to her.

EJ (coldly): "I told you. I'm a DiMera."

His gaze hardens.

EJ (commanding):"Kneel."

Nicole (dumfounded): "What?"

EJ (eyes blazing): "I said kneel."

Aware that she is in no position to do otherwise, Nicole obeys. EJ leans down and grabs her by the hair, pulling her head up to look at him.

EJ (harshly): "As you are to Pookie, I am to you, except without all the love and photographs, you got that?"

Once Nicole nods in fear, EJ smiles.

EJ (sincerely): "Excellent. I’m glad we understand one another."

EJ steps back, and Nicole gets up on her own.

Nicole (unsure): "And that means..."

EJ (smirking): "It means what I want it to mean. I'll call you. Now get out of my house before I make you get out."

Nicole (already running away): "You don’t have to tell me twice!"

EJ watches Nicole scurry away. Satisfied, he sits down at the table and finishes his drink.

EJ (to himself): “I guess you could say I broke her heart, eh?”

He throws his head back and laughs.

Local Salem Commercial Break

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• Threatening 101
• Introductory Scheming: Always Have a Back Door
• The Fine Art of Delegation
• Minions vs. Henchmen: Pros and Cons
• Slaves: Still Practical In this Day and Age or an Unnecessary Expense?
• Intermediate Scheming: Making Duress Work for You
• Stalking and Obsession: Why It’s Not Optional
• Psychological Manipulation: Others Are Who You Want Them to Be
• Advanced Scheming: Beyond Blackmail
• The DiMera Way: A Case Study
• Evil EJ’s Top Ten Ways to Eliminate Someone

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So stick it to the man, darling, and start honing your untoward skills today. Evil for Dummies is now available at a local retailer near you, online, or at my Used Vehicle Emporium at the corner of County Road E and Highway 65. Evil for Dummies. So simple even Lucas Horton could follow it.

Friday, June 6th, 2008

“Or it won't be the only thing I break into a million pieces.” Oh, threats are sexy.
“You don't know me very well, do you?” No, she does not.
“I don't take very kindly to being blackmailed.” Of course not. That’s what you do.
“No, Nicole. I do not trust you.” Excellent.
“Nicole, I'm not interested in having fun with you.” Good.



Do the mansion swap!



“I just need allies, Lucas. It's as simple as that. My coup will never succeed otherwise.”



“I just think you're so insecure that you're only prepared to let yourself be vulnerable in a situation that you feel you can manipulate, that you can control,” “I'm not stopping you from being those things. The only person who's stopping you is you,” and “If you could just stop hiding behind all this, I think you'd find life a lot easier.” EJ, you better be going with this where I hope you’re going.

Grade: C-. Chucas had barely better chemistry than Ejole, and I’d prefer more threatening, less kissing with Nicole, please, EJ.

Another EJ Clip on Hulu

It's June 2nd, and more of drunk EJ with Nicole.

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

“She was a toddler yesterday, and now she’s a baby again?! What in the heck did you people do to her?!!”



“Here, Samantha, let me.”
“There we go. See? That wasn't so tough. That wasn't so tough, was it?”
“She just likes the sound of my voice, don't you?”
“There you go. Now, you be good for your mummy, all right?” Oh, I love Daddy EJ!



“You know, I really don't want him anywhere near my daughter.” Well, I don’t want you anywhere near my Ejami, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?”
“It looks like Ali prefers EJ.” Ali knows her father!
“Lucas, you must feel like a total loser.” Daily occurrence there, Nicole.



“You are bloody lucky tonight.” Exactly, EJ. Ali could have been kidnapped, hit by a car, fallen into a ditch, etc.
“She never in any danger.” Lucas, you arrogant jerk! You’re not even sorry!



“This is your last chance, Horton. You stay within the perimeter or you'll be back in prison. You understand?” You tell him, Officer Chuck!



“I need to put the kids down for their nap.”
“Just don't, all right?”
“I have done a bloody good job of raising your daughter for the last few months.”
“Okay, I'm gonna put these two down for a nap.”
“After your behavior today, I don't think you're capable of being left on your own with Ali anymore. Samantha, would you please make sure that he is not left alone with the children? Thank you.” I enjoyed how EJ took command today. He is not going to let anyone, much less Lucas, get in the way of the twins’ welfare.



“I think for right now, it would be best if you weren't alone with the twins. So let me do exactly that in a few minutes so I can go get a cappuccino.”



“Uh, Sami's here. I need to talk to her. Do you mind? I have to very clumsily insert myself into her plotline.”



“I was drunk, something I'm sure you're familiar with, and you say a lot of things when you're drunk,” “I don't know what you're talking about, sweetheart,” and “All right, well, even if you're right, and I'm not saying you are, what do you intend to do about it? What are you doing?” EJ handled this very well, staying calm and letting Nicole tell him what she knows. And the glaring. Man. Let the bad things start soon, please.

Grade: B-. I liked EJ today, but he wasn’t around that much, and my Phloe was ruined by Chloe’s sudden magical interest in Lumi. Oh, Days.

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

“Over my dead body.” Good morning, Evil EJ! Perfect timing to interrupt Lumi yet again I see.



I thoroughly enjoyed how harsh EJ was here and how he was noticeably softer with Sami later. If only there had been some jokes.



I’d say this was like a cartoon, but that’s insulting to cartoons.



Oh, sure, Evil EJ just happened to have the time to stop by and get his latte of suffering after you told him you were going to be here. Sami, you aren’t nearly suspicious enough.



“Isn’t this nice?” Yes, it is. Someone likes spending time with his family.



She’s not a pet, Lucas!



When Babies Escape



May I take a moment here to say that I love the Java Café set for some reason? I think it’s the lighting; it just looks like a nice place to hang out and chat over a tasty beverage. Ejami needs to come here more often.



“We make a good team.” Yes, you do, EJ, and Sami looks like she’s starting to figure that out.



“Hey, Sami, your dad here and I slept together once. No, no particular reason I mentioned that, I just wanted to throw it out there.”



It’s our favorite Salem Police Officer extra! You know, he really needs a name at this point. Chuck sounds good to me. Hello Officer Chuck!



Uh, Nicole, you’re supposed to threaten EJ about revealing the secret before you follow through and tell Sami. Otherwise you’ve just screwed over EJ without having the opportunity to gain anything. Man, you really did lose all your brain cells with the hair color change, didn’t you?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmNQ5VgFAfc

It’s an evil day in the neighborhood
A evil day for a DiMera
Samantha will be mine
Yes, Samantha will be mine



*gasp* Immigration Dude?!! Elvis, you magnificent bastard.



“How could you be so irresponsible?” Um, he’s Lucas? Standard operating procedure here.



“I don’t know what he was thinking either, Mommy.”



“I appreciate everything you’re doing for my family, and a token of my appreciation will be in your Swiss bank account tomorrow morning.”
“And remember, discretion is required.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” You know, it doesn’t even matter if EJ’s been conspiring with Immigration Dude the entire time, starting just now, or something in between. Whatever the answer is, it’s delicious. Oh, Evil EJ. This is why I *heart* you.

Grade: B. Evil EJ was in rare form today with his stalking and overarching conspiracies, and I love it when he enjoys his coffee. Even though I really liked the Ejami time, I did feel that Sami was a little cold to him. I mean, it’s clear she’s starting to wake up, but she’s just not there yet. I did enjoy how she assumed he was meeting with Nicole again when he looked at his watch, though. She’s definitely jealous.

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXO3OMGKPpw

With the lights out its less dangerous
Here we are now
Entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now
Entertain us



“I’m not the heartless bitch you think I am.” Yes, you are, Sami. That’s why EJ likes you.



It’s okay, EJ. Your awesome white/light gray long sleeved t-shirt will lull them into a false sense of security, and you need to be comfortable when you don’t feel well. I know you wouldn’t normally go to a bar when you’re hung over, but with the set crunch you have nowhere else to hang out.



Eavesdropping yet again. He waits a long time before he announces his presence here.



Drinking, listening to Nicole foolishly threaten him, and interfering in Lumi all at the same time? EJ is a master at multitasking.

Grade: D. I loved EJ today, but what a waste of an episode. I mean, EJ looked stunning in his lovely white/light gray long sleeved t-shirt, and I liked the eavesdropping on Lumi and Kate, lying to Sami about the annulment, and calling the immigration mess a dog and pony show, but everyone else and everything else was total snoozeville.