Sunday, June 8, 2008

Local Salem Commercial Break

Laid off? Home in foreclosure? Creditors calling all day and night? Why despair when you can turn the tables and take back what’s yours by adopting a life of crime?

I know what you’re thinking, my dear. Evil EJ, I simply didn’t have the opportunity to be brainwashed into a living weapon for decades by an amoral sociopath. I’ve always wanted to embrace my inner villain, but where am I supposed to learn the fine art of crushing my enemies and hearing them scream before me? Believe me, I understand. Getting your own criminal empire off the ground is no simple endeavor, and that’s why I share my nefarious secrets in my new book, Evil for Dummies.

For only $19.95, you too can be the head of your own illegal cartel in less than a month. In a mere twenty one chapters, I explain the aspects you require to begin your decent into darkness, and as the title indicates, you need absolutely no previous knowledge or experience in evil-related subject matter. I assume you don’t know anything, which, let’s face it, is correct, isn’t it, sweetheart? Therefore, I give you the full background and numerous exercises you’ll require to craft your skills in all facets of evil, including:

• Threatening 101
• Introductory Scheming: Always Have a Back Door
• The Fine Art of Delegation
• Minions vs. Henchmen: Pros and Cons
• Slaves: Still Practical In this Day and Age or an Unnecessary Expense?
• Intermediate Scheming: Making Duress Work for You
• Stalking and Obsession: Why It’s Not Optional
• Psychological Manipulation: Others Are Who You Want Them to Be
• Advanced Scheming: Beyond Blackmail
• The DiMera Way: A Case Study
• Evil EJ’s Top Ten Ways to Eliminate Someone

And more!

So stick it to the man, darling, and start honing your untoward skills today. Evil for Dummies is now available at a local retailer near you, online, or at my Used Vehicle Emporium at the corner of County Road E and Highway 65. Evil for Dummies. So simple even Lucas Horton could follow it.

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