Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

I’ll be honest. This bored the crap out of me. I tried to pay attention at first, but that quickly waned because I don’t need to be reminded about John the Pawn or Sami the bad girl, although I see that Sami’s parade of hideously fugly sleepwear continues.



Now where have I seen this before?



Let’s see here, bribery, witness tampering, ethics violations…I could go on, but why bother when Evil EJ 2008 has arrived just in time for summer!



“What I won’t do for money these days.”
“These days, eh?” Heh.



“I got all of my clients off, and they’re all guilty as sin.” Hey, TPTB read my Elvis DiMera, Evil Attorney at Law commerical! And of course you did, EJ. They never caught you, after all.



“Regardless, in her eyes I have to remain an upstanding father and husband.” Exactly, EJ. Now you are both of those…but you’re an evil upstanding father and husband, not the good man you’re currently passing yourself off as.
“You really intend to make her love you, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that she does.” That’s my boy! Morality is for the weak.
“I wouldn’t say shady-I’d say determined.” Of course. You are a ruthless man, and you have no problem with dark.
“When I first met you, I knew I could use you very much for my purposes.” Oh, you are awful, EJ. I like.



“I was raised well.” And notice how there was no apology there. Nice contrast to EJ’s supposed insistence that they take down his father’s painting on Friday. Someone is rightly proud of being a DiMera.



“Let’s just say I have a plan, eh?” Always. And he doesn’t tell Nicole what it is yet gets her to tell him his. Oh, it’s so beautiful even if Nicole is noticeably dumber this time around. She was smarter with red hair.



“Luck? No, no, no, my darling, I don’t need luck. Samantha is going to be mine.” Oh, how I love how he says this. Quietly commanding.

Grade:



A-. I am satisfied. Today was like a warm comforting blanket of evilness. Now, would I have liked more threatening of Nicole and less nicey nice with her? Oh, most certainly, most certainly. But EJ does work for Nicole, and moreover, he’s still using her in order to make Sami jealous. In addition, EJ is being covertly evil as opposed to overtly evil, so if we want to get technical, he’s November 2006/February 2007 Evil EJ as opposed to March/April 2007. Light Evil EJ, if you will, the ninja as opposed to the samurai. So although I want more jokes and harshness, I am content. There’s plenty of time for brazenness later once Sami is at your side, EJ.

Monday, May 5th, 2008

You know, I was just thinking to myself how much I didn’t miss the police station set. Days, you and your limited budget. And I love how Roman is all supportive here. Remember when he wanted to kill EJ last summer? Ah, good times.



“Well, technically, I suppose I should, but my mother tried to pass me off as another woman’s child blah blah blah…” I love how James just walked forward and sold this, gesturing as if it’s perfectly natural to have this utterly convoluted character history. And Nicole might have just waved to the audience along with the “confusing bit of backstory” remark. Show, why do you tell me about this useless junk and not interesting stuff like how Stefano stole EJ from Susan and Edmund?



EJ stealing Nicole’s food. Ah, yet another sign of what is to come.



“I was locked out of my apartment. Quite a first impression, eh?” Oh, sure, if that had been what actually happened. I find the show’s insistence on needlessly retconning Ejami’s history to be thoroughly entertaining at this point.



“My life completely changed when I met Samantha.” As did this show. You were supposed to be institutionalized or dead months ago, and we were supposed to be full speed ahead Lumi.



“Give me my family ‘cuz I don’t have any other. And I need this one. Please.” That’s right, EJ, your family. Sami and the twins are the only people in the world EJ cares about. He could not be more attached to them, especially to his Samantha.



Oooh, comforting! And in public this time!

Grade: B+. Considering I expected to have to wade through more crap, I’m just glad Immigration Dude backed off from the hard sell here. So, given the boring subject matter, lack of suspense about the eventual outcome, and people not named EJ or Sami in this, not bad, not bad at all. And I always am ready for Ejami hugging.

Friday, May 2nd, 2008

My retinas are still burning.



Sami looks great here; I like the whole outfit and hairstyle. EJ looks even better. His hair is starting to spike, and the black suit with the gray tie and handkerchief is spectacular. And I also have to say, the first thing I thought of when I saw him was



Turns out the comparison wasn’t for naught, eh?



“You’re not exactly a laugh riot yourself.” Yeah, I just made up all those EJ Is Funny videos out of thin air in my basement. Jawn, this is why I hate you. Stefano, come back! All, or most of it anyway, is forgiven!



“Look, I have no problem with putting people in waking comas and covering my tracks but lying? I gotta draw the line somewhere.”



“Don’t think about it as lying. Think about it as being more diplomatic with the truth, you know?” and “What is it exactly you were doing?” Not funny funny, but I might be able to work with this.

Grade: B. WAAAAAAAAY too much J&M here for my liking as I don’t give a crap about his brain on CD, and Jawn knocking EJ’s humor is rubbing salt in a very raw wound. I need more material!

So Our "Not a Romantic Couple" Has a Cover Photo

Courtesy of Soap Opera Digest. Pretty snazzy. SOD was even nice enough to have a JPEG of it on their website.





And everyone and their mom has already scanned the inside photos as well, but you know how I am. I'm ecstatic we finally got some nice photos of Ejami, and out of the three, I'd say the cover is my favorite as it's less "posed" compared to the other two. Now to get more!

Living in Chaos

Excited Voice (happily): “Good morning!”

Bleary eyed, Good EJ starts as he awakens within his cage inside of his room. Pulling his body into a sitting position, he sees Evil Crazy EJ enter holding his Samantha doll. Evil Crazy EJ is dressed in a long sleeved blue shirt and black pants while Samantha is in her police officer outfit.

Evil Crazy EJ (walking over to Good EJ): “We hope you slept well, Good EJ. And Samantha knows she has said so before, but she is very, very happy that you like the color of the cage. She spent a lot of time considering what shade of pink would be best. Here you go.”

Evil EJ wedges a box of cereal through the bars of the cage.

Good EJ (knowing what it is but asking anyway): “Lucky Charms?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Yes. It is your breakfast!”

Good EJ (the diet getting to him): “Evil Crazy EJ, as much as I do enjoy my cereal, would it be possible for me to have anything else?”

Willing to consider his prisoner’s request, Evil Crazy EJ consults his Samantha doll and stares at his wife as he listens to her.

Evil Crazy EJ (translating): “Samantha says if you are very, very good, maybe you can have some milk instead of your usual water later. Assuming Evil EJ remembered to buy you your pansy skim milk when we were at the grocery store. We do not recall as we were looking at which cereals gave out the best toys most of the trip.”

Good EJ (trying to stay positive): “Well, let’s hope I am very, very good then.”

Evil Crazy EJ (very positive): “Yes, Samantha hopes so too. She will let you read your new issue of Martha Stewart Living as well if you are deemed to be worthy of good behavior status.”

Noticing that his Hello Kitty doll is no longer next to Good EJ inside of the cage, Evil Crazy EJ frowns.

Evil Crazy EJ (worried): “You don’t like Hello Kitty?”

Good EJ (immediately picking the stuffed animal up from where he had thrown her and placing her in his lap): “Oh, no, I like her very much. I just didn’t want her to get lost.”

Nodding, Evil Crazy EJ walks over to where he has placed it on Good EJ’s desk and holds up his and his Samantha’s attack plan for Good EJ to see.

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “Good. We did not want you to get lonely. We understand that Hello Kitty is not actually alive, however, and we are still trying to get you a real bunny. Evil EJ says we have to prove we are responsible before we can have a pet.”

Relieved Voice (grateful): “And thank goodness for that.”

Gray EJ enters the room, the designated head of household in Evil EJ’s absence.

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding slightly): “Gray EJ! Did you come to visit Good EJ? I will have to record it in the log book. And thank you for coming during approved visitation hours. Samantha would not want to have to turn you away.”

Gray EJ (going along): “You’re welcome. How are the correctional duties this morning?”

Evil Crazy EJ (lighting up): “Everything is going very well. The prisoner is behaving, and we are great!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (content): “Yes, Samantha, I was amazed too. Both of us are in a good mood as we are pleasantly surprised that you did not screw up our breakfast the way you normally do when you have to fill in for Evil EJ.”

Gray EJ (taking what he can get): “If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is.”

Hearing his wife speak to him, Evil Crazy EJ moves his Samantha doll closer to his face. He nods to her, and then moves over to Gray EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (nicely): “Gray EJ, will you watch the prisoner while Samantha and I get today’s activities together? We have a lot to do today with him, and we don’t want to get behind schedule.”

Gray EJ (deferring): “Of course.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “Thank you!”

Carefully holding his Samantha doll, Evil Crazy EJ runs out of the room. After he leaves, Gray EJ moves over to Good EJ’s cage.

Good EJ (wary): “I don’t like the sound of that.”

Gray EJ (nonchalantly): “Eh, don’t worry about it. How are you holding up, anyway?”

Good EJ (very unhappy): “How do you think? I am stuck in this ornate cage in my own room, I have cuts all over from the sheet metal in addition to all those bumps and bruises from our altercation, and I am constantly badgered by my mentally ill jailer and his imaginary wife. Evil EJ could not have planned a better torture for me.”

Gray EJ (shaking his head slightly): “Yet he didn’t.”

Good EJ looks up at Gray EJ incredulously.

Gray EJ (informatively): “Oh, yes, this is entirely Evil Crazy EJ’s idea. Evil EJ would have you stretched out on a rack somewhere with hot water dripping on your face.”

Good EJ (not entirely surprised): “I suppose that makes sense. I admit I wondered about the lovely pink color scheme and the pretty throw pillows. Yet I hate to say it, but that actually might be preferable. How does Evil EJ manage to put up with Evil Crazy EJ all day every day?”

Gray EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Put up with him? Evil EJ likes spending time with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. He’d never willingly admit it, but he purposely goes out of his way to do so. Heck, he’s got a bike ride scheduled with them tomorrow. He even stole the Barbie accessory off a girl’s bicycle the last time we were at Target and welded it onto Evil Crazy’s EJ’s bike so Samantha would have her own place to sit and Evil Crazy EJ wouldn’t have to hold her.”

Good EJ (amazed): “But Evil Crazy EJ is so exhausting! ‘Samantha says this,’ ‘Samantha wants that.’ He never lets up! It’s insane!”

Gray EJ (annoyed): “He’s insane. What’d you expect him to do? Only bother you for five minutes here and there? Of course he wants to play with you as much as he can. He’s never had a prisoner before. You’re lucky he hasn’t had a tea party with you yet.”

Good EJ (shaking his head): “Even the twins are never this frustrating.”

Gray EJ (devil’s advocate): “To you and I, yes. But not to Evil EJ. He is rational, and Evil Crazy EJ is insane, but besides that, they’re the same. Evil Crazy EJ looks up to Evil EJ, and Evil EJ appreciates having someone around who truly understands his evilness.”

Good EJ (surprised): “You don’t?

Gray EJ (shaking his head): “Mostly, but not completely. Not the innate way Evil Crazy EJ does. The insanity puts a different spin on the evil compared to my goodness. He revels in suffering just like Evil EJ does-he doesn’t try to diffuse it like I do.”

Good EJ (imploring): “Speaking of your good side, why don’t you indulge it, and let me out of here?”

Gray EJ (dryly as he folds his arms across his chest): “The way you did when you said I was Evil EJ’s pathetic lackey and nearly cracked my skull open?”

Good EJ cringes and looks up at Gray EJ apologetically.

Good EJ (regretfully): “I’m sorry.”

Gray EJ (not buying it): “No, you’re not. That’s the problem. You need to learn that you have to share with the rest of us.”

Good EJ (snidely): “Like Evil EJ does? But you listen to him even though he continually plays all of you.”

Gray EJ (shrugging): “He’s reasonable. Sure, he encourages us to be evil and tries to manipulate events so we choose the wrong thing. But he understands when I can’t stomach something, Hero EJ resists him, or Evil Crazy EJ would rather play with Samantha. He doesn’t force us to change. You do. And you don’t get to dictate what we do and do not do. We are all aspects of one unified personality, one Elvis DiMera. Just because you want us to be a weak, insipid git doesn’t mean we do.”

Good EJ (angrily): “Don’t you get it? Evil EJ is never going to let me out of here.”

Gray EJ (disagreeing): “Oh, he will. Even sharing being good is draining for him. He’s making up for the time he’s missed now, but he’ll eventually need you to handle the sickly sweet stuff that not even Hero EJ can stand.”

Good EJ (taking some comfort): “Assuming you’re right, that’s good, at least. I’m glad we’re still the white knight as we should be.”

Gray EJ ignores Good EJ’s remark and looks away from him as he pretends to see something off in the corner of the room.

Good EJ (wondering): “We are still sweet and gentle, aren’t we? Like we were in the Pub with the Immigration Agent?”

Gray EJ turns back to Good EJ as he makes a helpless gesture.

Gray EJ (sheepishly): “Mistakes were made.”

Good EJ (irate): “What in the heck do you mean mistakes were made?!”

Gray EJ (comparing): “Well, considering par for the course used to be controlling slaves with tarot cards, this is actually a step up for him.”

As Good EJ is about to press Gray EJ for the details of Evil EJ’s actions, he is interrupted by Evil Crazy EJ barely managing to carry his Samantha doll, his DVD player, and some DVDs into the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “We helped Evil EJ tape ‘Gossip Girl’ on the CW for you! Samantha knows how you like to get fashion ideas from the show as she noticed when you wore the pretty pink ribbon in your hair a few weeks ago just like your favorite character Serena. And then we can watch the movie ‘Glitter’ with your favorite musical artist Mariah Carey in order to celebrate the release of her exciting new album, ‘E=MC^2.’ Evil EJ says USA Today gave it 3 out of 4 stars.”

Good EJ (surprised at Evil Crazy EJ’s research): “I appreciate you trying to keep me occupied, Evil Crazy EJ, but that’s simply not necessary. All you have to do is let me out, and I will find things for me to do.”

Evil Crazy EJ (dismissively): “Samantha and I say no. Evil EJ is happy being in charge. You can be girly here.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Samantha! We take very good care of our prisoner! We will watch these with you even though they are not something we would normally tolerate. Samantha will make them better by making witty commentary, won’t you, sweetheart?”

Samantha: “…”

Good EJ (anything to avoid him): “That’s quite all right. I can watch them by myself.”

Evil Crazy EJ (listening to his wife): “No, Samantha insists. She says we must be hospitable.”

Gray EJ (taking his cue to leave): “Sounds good to me. I’ll go vacuum the living room.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “That’s a good idea, Gray EJ. Samantha spilled some of her chocolate milk earlier, but I helped her get most of it out of the carpet. We cannot see any of it at least.”

Good EJ (pleading to Gray EJ): “Please, don’t go. Please. Don’t leave me alone with him.”

Evil Crazy EJ (considering): “We really don’t like you very much either, Good EJ, but maybe it is because Samantha and I do not spend much time with you. While we are watching the DVDs, would you like to help us make a card listing all the ways Evil EJ is great? We are going to congratulate him for defeating you.”

Gray EJ (smirking): “Now who could refuse that? Have fun, you three. I’ll be back later.”

Gray EJ moves over to the doorway in order to leave the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (calling out): “Samantha says she wants chocolate cookies with chocolate chips, not almond cookies. She is still sorry about hitting you in the face with the plate last time, but she cannot promise that it will not happen again if she does not get the correct midmorning snack to fix her low blood sugar.”

Gray EJ (nods): “I’ll remember this time, I promise.”

Good EJ (screaming): “No, don’t go! Please don’t leave me!”

Gray EJ ignores Good EJ’s pleas and exits. Left alone with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha, Good EJ swallows nervously.

Evil Crazy EJ (hooking up the DVD player to Good EJ’s television): “Before I forget, Good EJ, Samantha would like to know what kind of lipgloss you wear so we know what to get you for Mother’s Day when we go shopping with Evil EJ. She says that her favorite brand Clinique has a new kind that just came out for the summer and that Fireberry would be a very good color on you.”

Staring at Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll in terror, Good EJ’s eyes widen, and he unconsciously begins rocking himself.

Tuesday, April 29th, 2008

“I was nine months pregnant.” That was last August, and the twins were born in October, so no, you weren’t.
“Boxers...blue. You had some sort of monogram on them.” No, they were maroon and unadorned. Ah, Days, your staff research is unparalleled.



“Count the money.”
“That won't take long.” Oooh, baby joke. I need more!
“All right, let's see what we got here- driver's license, credit card, store card. All of these say ‘Samantha Roberts.’” Which makes no sense considering Lucas is now Lucas Horton, and Sami’s been called Samantha DiMera on more than one occasion, but as our incorrect trip down Ejami memory lane demonstrates, Days doesn’t let little things like “logic” or “reality” get in the way of the show.



“So why can't you just pretend that you're in love with me?” Because she wouldn’t be pretending, and there’d be no going back after that.
“You didn't seem to have any problem doing it when I was shot, darling.” Actually I disagree, EJ. The nicest thing she said to you was “you’re the strongest man I know,” which is an exquisite complement, but purposely nonromantic.



“You gave me the kiss of life.”
“You're still saving my life.”
“How about I act the part a little bit better? And I'd tell you how much I love you.” Sigh. EJ was quite the dreamy romantic today until Sami shot him down. It’s only then he got “cynical,” which he really wasn’t. http://thesaurus.reference.com/, show.

Grade: Short, but sweet. EJ was lovely, and Sami wasn’t bad, which is the best we can really hope out of her at this point. And the clothes were nice today too. B+.

Don't Look Directly at the White Shirt!

Hulu has another Ejami clip up, and it's part of the April 28th show where EJ and Sami are preparing for the immigration hearing.

I Was Dreaming

In the middle of the night, EJ is standing by the window in the DiMansion living room. Outside, the weather violently crashes against the walls of the building. Sami walks into the room and smiles as she sees him.

Sami (pleased): “Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one the storm woke up. I’m surprised the twins are sleeping through this when it’s so bad.”

EJ (as if he’s seeing the weather for the first time): “Really. I hadn’t noticed.”

Sami (surprised): “Of course you did. It couldn’t be louder.”

Sami stops as she sees EJ staring outside.

Sami (cautiously): “EJ?”

EJ turns his head and looks at her.

Sami (wondering): “If the storm didn’t wake you, then why are you up?”

EJ makes no move to answer. Sami joins him by the window and looks up at him.

Sami (impatiently): “Well?”

EJ considers Sami and smiles slightly.

Sami (when he doesn’t say anything): “You can tell me.”

EJ (wary): “Can I?”

Sami (honestly): “Yes.”

Choosing to take her at her word, EJ gently takes Sami’s arm and moves them away from the window. They both sit down on the couch.

EJ (with difficulty): “I was awake, Samantha…because I had a nightmare.”

Monday, April 28th, 2008

My local NBC affiliate showed its usual respect for Days by starting late. I’m sure this part of the episode was utterly fascinating, but I wouldn’t know because I didn’t see it.



I could not hate this shirt more. It even brought down how nice EJ’s hair was looking. If I wanted to watch a 1970s caddy, I’d time travel.



“You have the morals of a groundhog.” Dialogue, I don’t even know where to begin in order to make fun of you. So many avenues.



“I think we should start again.” Start what? That golf league you’ve talked about?

Grade:



You know how EJ doesn’t react here about Brady’s disappearance because he’s completely disinterested? That was me with this episode. This simply didn’t engage me. The only thing I really liked was EJ getting harsh with Sami before he dismissed her, although the “Good night, Samantha!” at the end was too much. Yet I didn’t hate the rest of it, it was just boring. Wow, some tepid banter about silly stuff and some clumsy mishandled forward movement. Why should I care? C-.

Death Is Us Sleeping

She had left to check on the twins. She returns to see that her husband is not in bed, and she cannot recall if he had been when she had awoken earlier. Guessing what had happened, Sami leaves the room and searches EJ’s usual place in the middle of the night. Yet the kitchen is empty, and there is no sign that he has been there. Stumped, she enters the nearby hallway only to stop when she hears something, a faint noise she cannot identify. Sami reenters the kitchen guided by a vague impression. Unsure of what is driving her, she impulsively opens the door to the pantry and is stunned by what she finds.

Arms wrapped around his legs, resting his head on his knees and dully staring into space, EJ is every bit the distressed child he had insisted he was not. He had been right. The day had not come. The night had. Sitting on the floor behind the door, he does not notice her presence at first. Sami starts at the sight of him and, now alerted, EJ sharply looks up and meets her gaze. Neither likes the other’s expression. Sami is taken aback by the shame on EJ’s face, and EJ resents the pity in Sami’s eyes.

Sami smiles reassuringly and offers her hand to him. To her surprise, EJ refuses to take it. Trying to maintain some semblance of dignity, he picks himself up off the floor and walks past her out of the storage space into the kitchen, purposely ignoring her. Sami moves ahead to stand in front of him, challenging him that wherever he was going, she was following. The intensity of his gaze sends a shiver down her spine, and she suddenly notices the redness around his eyes. Had he been crying?

Seeing that there is no escape for him this time, EJ sighs loudly and trudges back to their bedroom with his wife close behind. After entering the room, both get into their respective sides of the bed. EJ folds his arms defensively across his chest and makes no attempt to look at Sami. She stifles an urge to reach out to him. Husband and wife sit in silence before EJ dares to speak.

EJ (annoyed at Sami finding his hiding place): “We need larger cabinets.”

They both laugh, the tension diffused for a moment before the uneasiness floods back. This time it is Sami who pushes it away.

Sami (asking the obvious): “Nightmare?”

EJ turns and glares at Sami.

Sami (apologetically): “I’m sorry, EJ. I never should have asked you to talk about this. About any of it.”

EJ (tiredly looking back at her): “And I never should have started to tell you when you did.”

Sami (realizing what she had unlocked): “I didn’t understand what I was asking of you.”

EJ (sullenly): “No, you didn’t, no matter how much I told you I didn’t want to.”

Sami (explaining): “I just thought we could talk about it a bit and that would be it. I didn’t expect you to…react like this.”

EJ (petulantly): “You should have. You know what he’s like.”

Understanding how just badly she had misjudged, Sami opens her mouth to speak again only to be beaten by the melancholy sigh from the man beside her.

EJ (wincing): “But it’s not as though you control my dreams, Samantha, or I’d ask you for something more pleasant. You never meant to hurt me…quite the opposite, in fact. And what’s done is done.”

Sami (following his reasoning): “You mean, you…you want to talk about it?”

EJ (not answering): “Apparently I have to if I want to sleep here uneventfully in our bed again.”

Sami (reluctantly): “But you still don’t want to, do you?”

EJ (honestly): “No.”

Silence hangs in the air for several minutes.

EJ (resigned as he moves his head to the side): “Unfortunately, I don’t think I really have a choice.”

EJ looks at Sami for her thoughts.

Sami (knowing it’s not what he wants to hear): “I don’t think so either. Not when it’s this bad.”

EJ (ruefully): “So I talk about it then.”

Sami (genuinely): “I’m sorry.”

EJ (apprehensive): “So am I.”

EJ (insistent as he points): “But only this. What we were discussing before.”

Sami (thinking back): “The flashcards?”

EJ (steeling himself): “Yes. Nothing else. Agreed?”

Sami (immediately consenting): “Agreed.”

Trepidation reflecting in his eyes, EJ takes a deep breath before he begins.

EJ (seriously): “This…this was when I was younger. When I was older, it was easy for the most part. I still had to study, but I rarely missed, even with having to add in all the updates, comings and goings, and information revisions.”

EJ (grimacing): “But when I was younger, it was very difficult for me. The photos just made it worse.”

Sami (surprised): “Photos?”

EJ (nodding): “Photos. And I just could not keep track of everyone. Bradys, Hortons, and a mess of other people. So many, and I didn’t know any of them. Playing memory with the pictures just seemed to make it worse, as if they all mixed together into one large blur of random faces.”

His sentence finished, EJ stares off into space. After he makes no attempt to continue, eventually Sami speaks.

Sami (prompting): “EJ?”

As he looks back towards her, Sami cannot help but feel uneasy at the blank look on her husband’s face.

Sami (asking): “You were saying about the photos?”

EJ (suddenly remembering): “Right. The photos plus the profile information made it hard for me, especially when the facts overlapped and applied to multiple people. And then there was keeping all the children straight.”

Sami (not shocked but surprised): “Children? There was stuff in there about me?”

EJ (considering): “Well, yes. Sort of.”

EJ (frowning): “There simply wasn’t the same level of detail on Father’s reports about offspring…not under a certain age, anyway.”

Sami (flabbergasted): “Reports?”

EJ (putting up his hands): “Yes, the-no, wait…never mind. No. I am not talking about those. I am talking about the flashcards.”

Sami (accepting and thinking about the volume of information): “That was a lot to remember, wasn’t it?”

EJ (considering): “Yes, and I simply wasn’t focused enough. Too much of my studying time was wasted. I didn’t understand why Father was asking me to do this in addition to all the other training and lessons I had to do. It seemed like such a chore. I wanted to…play more. I never thought I had enough time for that.”

Uncomfortable with his admission, EJ stops talking.

Sami (pushing): “What happened next?”

EJ (simply): “I was wrong most of the time. I got lucky occasionally, suddenly recalling something.”

Sami (forcing him to take the next step): “What happened when you were wrong?”

EJ (avoiding): “I know he had no right to do that, but he didn’t really mean it most of the time, more out of habit than anything else. That wasn’t really the penalty anyway.”

Sami (noticing what he had not said): “What exactly did he to you do when you were wrong, EJ?”

EJ (struggling with the words): “He’d…hit me. Just slapping. He was careful not to do any damage. Didn’t hurt much.”

Sami (not willing to press the point further): “And then?”

EJ (warning her): “I had…I had to get a lot wrong first.”

Sami (understanding): “Okay.”

EJ (spilling out): “That was first. I did that a lot. It was all their fault anyway. Stupid Bradys and their overlapping multiple preferences. Can’t just have one person like one thing. And no one could just stay in Salem either, always had to have people moving in and out of town all the time. So I got them nearly all wrong. That happened first. Then Father would take me down to the storage chest in one of the spare rooms and put me in there. It was large enough for me, and I could see that he had made it more comfortable than it would have been otherwise, so he had been planning on it. He locked me in. Not that I would have been able to get out anyway. I tried. The locks just made sure. And then later he would come to get me.”

Sami (patiently): “How long were you in there?”

EJ (calm): “I don’t know. I tried to keep track, but I couldn’t. Hours? It always seemed to be a very long time. It was dark. I could breathe fine, but it was dark. I couldn’t see right.”

EJ (absently): “I didn’t like it very much.”

Sami (imagining): “I would think not.”

EJ (remembering): “I didn’t expect Father to do that the first time…I was inconsolable afterwards.”

EJ (slipping): “Because the shadows were wrong.”

Shutting down again, EJ stares at the opposite wall. Sami gives him a few moments before attempting to banish the distant expression that has fallen on his face.

Sami (prompting once more): “So then what happened?”

At the sound of her voice, EJ starts slightly.

EJ (trying to refocus): “He had to take me on holiday for a week. Somewhere warm, white sand. I remember thinking that I had never seen water that clear before. No studying, no training, only playing. Just us. It was very nice, very relaxing. I was able to talk again afterwards. So when we came back, I told Stefano how I wouldn’t be able to do that again, and he said he’d help me.”

EJ (yawning): “Some sort of tranquilizer/hypnotic cocktail, I assume. So I could calm down enough to concentrate. Be the logical choice. I never asked. Didn’t need to. Father knew what he was doing.”

Sami (going along): “Of course.”

Wondering how much of EJ’s composure was his natural disposition and how much was his indoctrination, Sami fails to notice that her husband’s demeanor has changed.

EJ (rationalizing): “That’s why he had to start the injections, so I was able to get used to it. Because it wasn’t so bad after that. Not really.”

Recalling how much easier the forced confinement was with the assistance, the corner of EJ’s mouth turns up.

EJ (lapsing): “Because…because he was right. He did help. I felt better. I could do it then. I was right to tell him. He fixed it.”

Sami (unable to stop herself): “What was the point of all that?”

EJ (disconnected): “Always meant something.”

Sami (not following): “And this was?”

EJ (crystal clear to him): “Two exercises in one.”

Sami (still not getting it): “Which were?”

EJ (rolling his head to his side): “Avoid punishment, gain control, punishment and control.”

Sami (now hearing the change in his voice): “EJ?”

EJ (pouring over the concepts): “Punishment control, control punishment.”

Sami (concerned at his attention): “EJ? EJ, are you okay?”

EJ (not listening): “Learned both. Needed to know both. And I did. I did.”

EJ suddenly grins and takes both of Sami’s hands in his, intertwining their arms together and pulling her towards him.

EJ (unable to hold out any longer): “I did. Because I am a good boy.”

Unable to resist succumbing to the feelings that surrounded the facts he had been explaining to her, EJ draws the well worn blanket of his broken thought patterns around himself. He has made sense of the senseless, and his promise to himself still holds.

EJ (relieved as he looks into her eyes): “I am. You think so too.”

At the sight of EJ smiling beside her, Sami hides her unreasonable disappointment at him and her anger at herself for expecting something else, no matter how improbable. Once again she sees the layer upon layer of injury that one conversation will not be able to erase.

Sami (unwilling to break his satisfaction): “Yes, I do.”

EJ repeats the phrase to himself reassuringly several times, the internal battle for autonomous control momentarily lost.

Sami (wondering as she watches him): “What is a good boy, EJ?”

EJ (answering): “I am one. For you.”

EJ shyly looks at Sami and innocently kisses her on the cheek.

Sami (quietly): “Me?”

EJ (openly as he slurs the word): “Always.”

Spent, EJ bends down and leans against Sami. She is surprised as he is able to somehow manage to both curl up against her yet not burden her with supporting his frame. As he rests his head against hers, Sami allows EJ to gently rock both of them, feeling his calm grow through the repetitive motion.

EJ (mumbling): “Samantha?”

Sami (simply): “Yes, EJ?”

EJ (barely audible): “Done? No more talking?”

Sami moves to gently wrap her arms around the severely scarred boy who shares space with the man she is proud to call her husband.

Sami (confirming): “No more talking.”

He had given, and she had listened. She had helped him. Not nearly enough, but a little. Wondering if he would be able to sleep soundly again, Sami is astonished by EJ interrupting her thoughts.

EJ (closing his eyes): “Okay. Maybe later.”

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

“I thought you were EJ.” Oh, not even close. Yet why is John still hot after coming back from the gym, and why does he think this is an appropriate way to walk around in front of his guests? And for future reference, this is too much chest hair, Days. In addition, quit the mildly oblique John and EJ allusions unless you’re actually willing to give the subject matter the weight it deserves. There is simply no comparison between Stefano brainwashing an adult and abusing his own son for decades. Don’t diminish the cruelty EJ had to endure.



“Was EJ still at the gym when you left?” Aw, you miss him, don’t you, Sami?
“Is Samantha here?” “I don’t want her to know I’m home.” It’s a bad ABC sitcom! But I don’t blame EJ for not wanting to get berated again.



Ah, EJ looked so sad here trudging up the steps alone with his trusty newspaper by his side. I’m sorry; I wish you could slaughter John and Marlena too.



“Mom... you know what I'm talking about.” Because it’s not creepy at all to talk about lingerie with your mother.



“I do think you should be honest about your own feelings, though.” Marlena, as much as we would love to see Sami jump into EJ’s open arms next episode, that’s really not how this soap tries to tell stories. Sami will be “torn” for a while yet.
“I firmly believe that people can change, and I think he's trying. I mean, it's not 180 degrees, but he's coming along.” And let us be thankful it’s not 180 degrees! Evil EJ 2008! New and improved sizzling summer evil!
“EJ sacrificed his relationship with his father in order to help us. That's huge.” Thank you, show. And hey, Marlena, in order to balance out that part of you that will always hate EJ, why don’t you tell him about incapacitating his father so a part of him always hates you.



“I was not eavesdropping.” Although I’m pleased you totally denied it, yes, you were. It’s one of your favorite activities, Gray EJ, and you’re awesome at it.
“I was not standing there. I happened to be walking from point "a" to point "b." Maybe you'd like it if I wore a little bell around my neck so you can hear me coming.” Although I liked the hell hound crack better, someone is 2 for 2. Keep it up.
“Slugger here this morning decided to see if she could rearrange Nicole's face.” Also not bad. The correlation between evilness and wit could not be clearer, could it?



“Maybe you should listen to your mother, Samantha.”

I'm clawing at your skin
You gotta let me in

Yes, keep confronting her about her love for you, and she will eventually break.

Grade: A-. Blatant ecological corporate mandates behind us, we are back in business, and it’s good times here with the Marlena Ejami plug. Quite a difference from back in October when she said EJ had a black heart. Ah, direction changes. And what a pleasure to see you, Gray EJ. Please keep EJ on this darker personality path. Instead of slipping back to Summer EJ like you did at the health club, how about we have some fun in the sun and go forward to Evil EJ, eh? We could watch him relax on the beach…after he’s buried someone in the sand.

EJ Boxing Clip on Hulu

Just mute the sound so you don't have to listen to all the "Biggest Loser" promotion, and watch EJ boxing in the background at the beginning and end of this.

Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008

I liked the health club better when it was ominous.



I said back in March "Yes, as much as I like the long sleeved t-shirts, I want some variety in the colors he wears. What about a forest green one?"

On one hand, I pity the poor intern who is stuck reporting on my insipid rambling. On the other, I would like that “EJ takes a shower” scene and more wisecracks by EJ, please. And if he could be evil again too, that’d be great. And if you’d like to do something extra special for me, have EJ reference Metallica…or Megadeth. I’m flexible.



“Oh, the setting -- you know, the ‘hounds of hell chomping at my behind’ setting.” I’d try between the imps and the lesser demons, EJ. And yes, this joke was the highlight of the episode. It was all quickly downhill from here.



“Not surprising to see you with a bottle of water in your hand. I hope it's sewer water.” Dude! The obvious joke to make here is that it’s not water but vodka. Le sigh.



“And I am not interested in helpful hints from someone who's only ever babied a high-powered hybrid engine.” Because driving a car for sport doesn’t waste natural resources at all. I also seem to remember a certain Evil EJ making fun of Sami’s desire for a Green Wedding. But whatever NBC Universal wants, NBC Universal gets, eh? I saw the press release. Honestly, all the blatant Earth Day plugging in this episode really grated on me. One should go green because one genuinely cares about the environment, not because the media subsidiary of GE told them to care.



“And Elvis.” Try mostly Elvis. And thank you, Maggie, for getting on the “Let’s call EJ Elvis” bandwagon. See who else you can convince, please.



“Their mommy is married to the wrong man and living the wrong life.” Reminding us of Lucas’ inevitable return? Oh, certainly. But moreover, this gets at the heart of the matter when it comes to Sami. Being married to EJ and living with him in the DiMansion with the twins doesn’t fit her vision of what her life is supposed to be like-it doesn’t currently matter to her that it’s a wonderful, fulfilling life in its own right and also infinitely better than the alternative. Lucas coming back will allow her to make a side by side comparison so she can let go of the fantasy of the man she sees Lucas as and embrace the reality of the man EJ is.



Let’s see, no real divorce talk, no jokes, no plot advancement or characterization…could it be any more apparent that we are just killing time here?



“I don't know if it was EJ's or Lucas'.” Don’t worry; the show doesn’t either.



Bad show! Bad, bad!

Grade: You know how people dismissively say “Man, that episode was awful; it was like watching Days of Our Lives” when they want to disparage a television show? This is what they are talking about. You want to do silly situations instead of meaningful depth, fine. But this utter garbage is not how you do that. We had Standing Around EJ, Raging Sami, and Dumb Nicole. C+ for EJ’s shirt, the joke, and the Elvis reference, F for everything else.