The Awful Week of June 23rd, 2008 in Review

Monday



Glasses are totally metal.



“EJ, I'll help you pack, and maybe Rolf can find us some boxes. Hey, Rolf?”
“He's at a tango lesson.” Ah, so close to a joke, yet so far.



“Great, and how would that look? Do you really want the immigration service breathing down our necks again?” I don’t know, EJ, do you?
“But I know that you can be a good guy when you want to be.” *snicker*
“I did that for you.” As you do everything for her.
“I'm asking you to do this for me, too. You have become a different man since you became a father. You've turned your back on the DiMera heritage. You're working for Mickey Horton now. I mean, who would have seen that coming?” Oh, someone is not going to like next week, is she?



“Okay, fine. I'll tell you what. But if I'm going somewhere, okay, I'm taking my son with me.” Hey, it’s March 6th, 2007 all over again!
“Samantha, darling, has it ever occurred to you that the situation with Lucas might not be fixable?” Well, to be fair, EJ, Sami doesn’t know about the content of the Lucas and Chloe scenes.



“You can put me out of sight, darling, but you cannot put me out of mind. Whether you'd like to admit it or not, you can't stop thinking about me.” Who wouldn’t? Sami is one lucky girl, if she’d only be willing to admit it.
“You are the most pompous, arrogant, conceited jerk I have ever met.”
“It's called confidence.” Exactly. EJ has very high self-esteem.



“Watching you with the twins...you're a natural with them. They are both very lucky to have had you in their lives. EJ, you know how to make me pretty angry, so I'll admit, I say things I don't mean sometimes. The truth is, you are a great father, and I will always want you to be a part of Johnny's life. But, you know, you could do that even if you weren't living here. So, what do you say?” I’m glad EJ didn’t fall for this emotional manipulation by Sami. Maybe we can actually start getting somewhere now.

Tuesday



“Well, there have got to be like a million good reasons I shouldn’t have a snack, and I can't think of one of them.” Oh, this better be going where I want it to go. And EJ gets to pick out the name this time!



Yippie, more Ejole foreshadowing. Bring on the summer of suck!



“Lucas and I hate each other, so why we are best buddies ten minutes from now I really cannot tell you. Perhaps I suffer some sort of severe head injury between now and then.”



“I know you’re supposed to be my archnemesis, but can you do me a favor?”



I would have much rather have watched EJ eat his food in silence here, but noooooo.



This is so wrong on multiple levels. I could write a 500 page paper on why, but the bottom line is EJ and Lucas being friends and eating lunch together after jointly dumping on Sami is damaging to all three characters. I genuinely regret watching this.



“What the hell?” Indeed, Sami. Indeed.

The Grade



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyoAr---Ygs

Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered

F-. Keep this up, and you’ll get yourself canceled yet, Days.

The Horrible Week of June 15th, 2008 in Review

Put simply, this is the worst week of Days I can ever remember having the misfortune to sit through. The show is utterly wretched right now. Don your HAZMAT suits, kiddies.

Monday



“And then I thought, "You know, EJ, before things get really nasty, maybe you should give him one more chance," “Not a lot gets by me,” and “I will make you, your family, and your businesses look like the opening act in a freak show.” Hello, Evil EJ! Oh, how I wish you had stuck around the rest of this week. And I do forgive Victor here for not realizing that Evil EJ’s threats are anything but empty; Hogan only used him once every six months, so this is the first time he’s met Evil EJ.



Which is more insulting, the insinuation that Lucas can read or that he’s worthy enough to watch “Weekend at Bernie's?” At least Sami was stronger than usual with him.



“Aw, Dad! I can totally take him!”



Man, is Sami rusty or what? EJ never stands there when he eavesdrops; he stands farther over so even if the doors open you can’t see him. And way to trust your “soulmate,” Lucas.



“Daddy, please. I mean, it's been seven months since the twins were born, and I'm barely getting my body back.”
“Trust me, daughter, you look even more beautiful than you ever did.” Hmm, this and Sami forgetting her sunglasses on the top of her head…hinting at a possible Ejami baby or unusually pointed filler dialogue? You make the call!



“Look, I don't want to come between you and Sami.” I had to pause my recording I was laughing so hard.



It would have been nice…in another show.



Man, from EJ to Trent? Downgrade.



“Anyway...I thought you and I could go out and celebrate. There's that new Italian restaurant. It opened up on the waterfront. They got five stars in the Chronicle.” The Spectator, the Inquisitor, and the Chronicle? EJ is a veritable trove of printed information, and of course as the DiMera he is, he wants to go to the Italian restaurant.
“EJ...come on. We can't just go to dinner together, but lunch here now? That’s totally fine.”
“Well, you and I have a few things we need to talk about now that TPTB have switched directions and added this entire scene between us here that wasn’t originally planned.”

Wednesday



I have no idea what EJ said here, but it wasn’t a joke, so *shrug*



“That woman does nothing but completely infuriate me.” Yes, EJ. You like that about her, remember?
“And I tell you, if she wasn't the mother of my child, I would wring her bloody neck.” Oh, so many things wrong with that statement. EJ, let me remind you that you’re evil. You’ve already choked Sami on numerous occasions, including when she was pregnant with your children.



I’d recap the EJ and Lucas conversation here, but it was completely pointless and out of character for both of them. Lucas is telling EJ to chill out? EJ isn’t happy knowing that Lucas is done with Sami? Lucas doesn’t want to make Sami suffer before he leaves her? What show am I watching?



And in what universe is this hand gesture thing romantic?



Ugh, Ejole. It was as though TPTB had stabbed me, but I didn’t know then that this is thankfully rectified in the next episode. Go go go direction change!

Thursday



Beats me whatever EJ was trying to do here, but it looks painful.



“Nobody will know,” “As far as I was aware, we were just distracting each other,” “Look, I was upset about Samantha. You were upset about-I don't know-whatever it was that you were upset about.” Clearly rewritten dialogue, but I approve of the harshness showing that EJ is just using Nicole.
“You're still in love with Sami.” Of course he is, Nicole. Ejole was just supposed to be an obstacle couple. His Samantha is the center of his world.
“Nicole, I don't think you're some kind of tramp.” You do now, EJ. That’s why you came here for some easy sex in the revised storyline.



Honestly, this says it all about what is wrong with Days right now. I want excitement, adventure, and romance, not a lonely depressed woman sitting by herself in a darkened room.



“I was all ready for this summer Ejole pairing, right? We even took photos with my arm around her! But as it turns out I have absolutely no chemistry with Nicole, and it actually was completely out of character for me to even be a bit interested in her after being completely devoted to Samantha for more than two years. So accordingly, the ratings tanked, and now I’m stuck here talking to you during this reshoot.”



“Oh, poor EJ. Here you are with your great looks, your quick wit, the DiMera ambition, and you're a total flop when it comes to love?” What quick wit? I cannot remember the last joke EJ made.



“Fight for Samantha, blah blah blah…you know, Tony, I think I’m perfectly capable of redirecting myself from a chemistry-free couple to my proper pairing.”
“Hey, at least you get a plotline. TPTB only drag me out when it’s convenient to give you advice, and you didn’t even care enough about me to come to my off screen wedding.”

The Verdict:



“Now I love trash, so much so I even wrote a song about it. But this show is so bad it doesn’t even deserve to be called garbage. It’s insulting to real trash! Slimey here could write a better soap, and he’s a WORM!”

More Ejami and EJ clips on Hulu

It's from June 16th where Ejami chat at the Brady Pub.



It's from June 18th where EJ and Lucas talk. Watch at your peril as this has both Lucas and some rather awful dialogue.

An Open Letter

TPTB, you had this entire summer/early fall Lumi and Ejole as Ejami obstacle couples thing worked out, and then the stupid audience screwed everything up by refusing to watch them. So now you’re scrambling to repair the damage before NBC has to shell out even more money to its advertisers as the number of promised viewer eyeballs drops ever lower. Lumi and Ejole must die, and Ejami must be put together, but how can it be done so quickly in any manner that makes sense and doesn’t reek of the hard direction change that it is?

No problem. I can hook you right up for free.



Carpe’s Top Ten Ways to Destroy Lumi/Ejole and Unite Ejami



10. Exploit Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: After all, what gets people to admit their true feelings better than looking into the stark face of death? Now, I know what you’re thinking. Carpe, we do not have the budget for one raptor, much less two. And to that I say, take a page from the best horror movies and don’t actually show the monsters. They can be dinosaurs, robots, robotic dinosaurs, whatever. All you need to show is Lucas, Sami, EJ, and Nicole hiding from and fighting against said invasion, and the rest will sort itself out as Lucas will fail to protect Sami, EJ will favor his Samantha over Nicole, and Sami will confess her love to EJ.

Time to implement: Three episodes-I’m thinking a Tuesday, Wednesday, and a Thursday.



9. Oops, we did it again or this time EJ gets to name the kid: Yeah, I know. Sami just had two babies, and they’re not even a year old yet. But, let’s face it, you’ve already SORASed both Johnny and Ali, so it’s not entirely out of the question. Moreover, there’s absolutely no doubt that the baby would be EJ’s, so Lucas would drop Sami like a hot potato and EJ would do the same to Nicole in order to focus on Sami and the unborn baby. Therefore, it’s very soon timewise, but it would still work well.

Time to implement: One to two weeks, depending on whether you want Lucas to pretend he could handle another DiMera child for a bit.



8. Lucas kidnaps Ali. It’s an organic outgrowth of Lucas desire to have “his daughter” to himself and befitting of his convicted felon status. This instantly severs EJ from Nicole as he would rush to Sami and Johnny’s side as soon as Sami calls for his help. Ejami would grow closer as they look for Ali, and both Lumi and Ejole would be dead in the water, especially after Ali is recovered and revealed to be EJ’s daughter.

Time to implement: I’m thinking a week. This is Lucas, after all. How far away could he possibly get?



7. Ali gets sick. Salem is not a good place to be if you’re a baby as Claire and Joey know, and there’s nothing like a child getting sick to force one of those clichéd bloodwork or DNA tests. Ali being EJ’s biologically ties Ejami together even more and removes Lucas’ excuse for sticking with Sami this time around. He’d leave her once and for all, and EJ would drop Nicole like a bad habit in order to be with his Samantha.

Time to implement: Three episodes. She gets sick, her blood DiMera status is revealed, and then she gets better.



6. Divine intervention. It doesn’t have to be via Colleen, and I’d actually prefer it not be as I am afeared of what would happen to me if I had to listen to that dialogue again, but sudden inspiration is a classic trope of fiction. Have Sami doze off, imagine her futures with both Lucas and EJ, wake up, and then run off to find EJ in order to bury herself in his arms.

Time to implement: Two episodes if you want to do it well by comparing and contrasting Lucas’ tasteless emotional and mental abuse of Sami to EJ’s glorious evil pampering of his tainted princess.



5. Lucas and Nicole were working together this entire time: I know, I know. It’s a retcon. But one that you can take anywhere you want. Lucas and Nicole were trying to break up Ejami out of spite? Sure. Ejami walks in on Lucas and Nicole having a one night stand? Okay. Lucas and Nicole are secret lovers and try to kill Ejami in order to steal their children because Nicole can’t have biological kids? Why not?

Time to implement: Totally dependent on how entwined you want Lucas and Nicole to be but most likely no longer than two weeks.



4. EJ and Sami were working together this entire time: Another retcon, but one that could be absolutely delicious. The idea is that Ejami is totally together emotionally but they’ve been playing Lucas and Nicole respectively in order to secure custody of Ali as they don’t know she is biologically EJ’s. Accordingly, there are plenty of secret trysts between EJ and Sami as they gleefully plan their subterfuge together and shots of them laughing about their pathetic victims.

Time to implement: This can be as short or as long as you want, depending on how much you want to drag out Lucas’ and Nicole’s torture.



3. It was all a dream! Hey, it worked for Dallas. Sami wakes up in the morning in her bed in the DiMansion and then joins EJ in the shower where she tells him all about how she had this weird nightmare about Lucas being out of prison and wanting to get back together with him.

Time to implement: One episode, and everything is instantly reset.



2. Overt Evil EJ. The man with a plan, always. Just have EJ get up on the wrong side of the bed one morning, skip shaving, and put on his all black suit, and you’re good to go. He’ll take his Samantha from Lucas and put Nicole in her place faster than you can say electroshock therapy.

Time to implement: One week. Not that he needs that much time, of course, but wouldn’t you like to really enjoy watching him work?



1. Fast forward or I don’t know what you’re talking about. The episode starts with Ejami together as a couple and goes from there. Explanation? We don’t need no stinking explanation.

Time to implement: One episode, and EJ and/or Sami can fill in the blanks with a few lines of exposition later. We don’t actually have to see Lumi and Ejole implode. I mean, Tanna got married off screen, so this should be a piece of cake.



So, come on, TPTB! Pick one or more of the above, and let’s turn this game around! And if you don’t like any of those ideas, there’s more where those came from. I haven’t even mentioned Officer Chuck yet.

Friday, June 13th, 2008

Oh, yippie, it’s the Pub again. At least EJ’s looking nice.
“I have found a way to force Victor’s hand.” A violent way, perhaps? Please?
“It’s not that I’ve forgotten-it’s that I’m not interested because of my feelings for Samantha.” Exactly, EJ. Nicole needs to move on.
“I really appreciate your honesty. I’ll keep it in mind.” Let’s not and say we did, shall we?
“I can trust you, right?” EJ, you’ve already said several times that you can’t!
“Pinky swear?” Oh, man. You know, I just don’t care anymore. You two amuse yourselves. I’ll be here daydreaming about Evil EJ pressing Nicole’s face into a hot waffle iron.



“Don’t mind me-this is all set up for Monday’s episode.”

Grade: D-. Ejole, you try my patience, you really do. Wake up, show! THIS IS BORING! And Summer EJ, you were almost too good today even when Nicole totally insulted you, Sami, and your house. This better be going somewhere.

Monday, June 9th, 2008

“You know, the kiss would be a lot better if you actually helped.” Oh, I wholeheartedly disagree, Nicole. He’s just not that into you.



You’d think EJ actually functioning as Nicole’s and Ava’s lawyer here would be more interesting but no such luck.



“If Philip offers you some of his cocaine, just remember that little chat we had about drugs two years ago.”

Grade: D. Misusing EJ like this is a waste of both his time and mine.