The Enemy Within

Locking the door behind him, Good EJ arrives at his apartment only to find it seemingly empty.

Good EJ (calling out): “Hello?”

Good EJ is met by silence as no one responds. After a minute, he moves into the living room.

Good EJ (louder): “Guys? Is anyone here?”

Unsure if anyone is home, Good EJ moves over to the bedroom hallway, cracks open the door, and peeks into Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha’s room only to see that Evil Crazy EJ is asleep with his arms wrapped around his Samantha doll.

Good EJ (to himself): “Okay, he’s taking a nap…but where is everyone else? They wouldn’t leave him alone by himself.”

Good EJ moves into Gray EJ’s room next and sees that he’s not there. Annoyed and unwilling to waste more time searching, Good EJ looks around and sighs.

Good EJ (shaking his head): “Figures. Evil EJ calls me out of the blue and insists we have to have an all EJ emergency meeting immediately, yet I’m the only one here ready for it. Now-mphfff!”

In one flowing motion, Evil EJ and Gray EJ appear from their hiding places and grab Good EJ as Evil EJ holds a rag with chloroform over Good EJ’s nose and mouth. Overwhelmed by the drug, Good EJ offers little resistance, and with their mission quickly accomplished, both Evil EJ and Gray EJ step back and let Good EJ’s body drop to the floor.

Evil EJ (pleased): “Sweet dreams, buttercup.”

With the remark delivered, Evil EJ and Gray EJ awkwardly stare at Good EJ’s unconscious form and each other for several moments.

Gray EJ (surprised): “That was easy.”

Evil EJ (scoffing): “Of course it was.”

Gray EJ (wondering): “Maybe…too easy?”

Evil EJ (irritated): “Do you doubt my competence?”

Gray EJ (defensive): “No. It’s just…I mean, it seems…”

Evil EJ (narrowing his eyes): “What?”

Gray EJ (treading very lightly): “I don’t know…a little…anticlimatic?”

Evil EJ (exasperated): “What did you expect? Some elaborate fight sce-”

Suddenly Good EJ raises his head and rises off of the floor, shocking both Evil EJ and Gray EJ. Caught by surprise, Evil EJ is unprepared to stop Good EJ as Good EJ grabs Evil EJ by his left arm and flips him across the room, knocking him into the opposite wall. Moving to neutralize the lesser threat next, Good EJ then moves over to Gray EJ and grabs him by the back of his neck.

Good EJ (sneering): “You pathetic lackey. You do whatever he says, don’t you?”

Gray EJ screams horrifically as Good EJ rams his head into the side of the nearby endtable and then slumps onto the floor. Watching his partner in crime taken out of the game, Evil EJ’s gaze hardens as he quickly collects himself and gets back on his feet.

Good EJ (challenging): “You really should have brought Hero EJ instead.”

Evil EJ (standing his ground): “Even with your increased strength from Samantha’s pure love, I can still take you, princess.”

Good EJ makes the first move as Evil EJ defends against the incoming uppercut, and the two men dissolve into a blur of motion. A flurry of punches, jabs, pushes, and blows are exchanged as neither EJ holds back from unleashing their pure hatred of the other. The battle drags on as Evil EJ fights with every dirty trick he can think of, barely keeping Good EJ’s superior physical strength at bay. Ultimately, this imbalance proves to be too much for him as Good EJ clamps both of his hands around Evil EJ’s neck. Enjoying his advantage, Good EJ rams Evil EJ into the side wall as Evil EJ frantically searches for a way to escape before he passes out.

Good EJ (slamming Evil EJ’s head against the wall): “What, no caustic remarks? Oh, wait, your vile mind didn’t expect this, did it? Didn’t think I was smart enough to know what you were up to? Didn’t believe I could hold my breath and fake being unconscious? I’ve been planning this just as long as you have. That’s why I’ve been acting like a lobotomy patient on screen the past couple of weeks-to lull you into a false sense of security.”

Evil EJ (pushing back against Good EJ’s hold): “Just as I have underestimated you, you underestimate me. You’re not going to win this, you one trick pony.”

Good EJ (relishing Evil EJ squirm): “Seems to me I already have. You can’t beat me. You remember our little chat a while back where you told me, ‘Enjoy Samantha while it lasts?’ Unfortunately for you, I have no intention of ever giving her up, much less subjecting her to your depravity.”

Evil EJ (adamant): “And you’re going to do what exactly? You can’t kill me.”

Good EJ (the light shining in his eyes): “No, I can’t. But a full body cast and intractable coma sounds about right to me.”

Evil EJ (beyond enraged): “And you call yourself a good man?! You self-righteous sanctimonious hypocrite!”

Good EJ (hissing as he slams Evil EJ’s head on the wall again): “On the contrary! I’ve had a lot of time to think about our situation, and getting rid of you is the only option. You’re the reason Gray EJ and Evil Crazy EJ don’t listen to me. They follow right behind your corrupting influence. In order to save them, I have to remove you. And if I thought I could bring you over to the light too, I’d find a way to eradicate the blackness etched into your soul. But I know that’s never going to happen…so I’ve been looking forward to this, you disgusting, worthless snake.”

Suddenly Good EJ howls in pain as Evil Crazy EJ sinks his teeth into Good EJ’s right leg. Forced to deal with the pure agony in his limb, Good EJ twists and kicks Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha away from him as they detach in order to bite him again. Taking advantage of the misdirection, Evil EJ breaks the hold on his neck, pushes Good EJ away from him, and draws his gun out from beneath his suit jacket. Flipping the weapon in his hand, he grabs the barrel and backhands Good EJ across the face. As Good EJ stumbles backward, Evil EJ hits his opponent again and again, sheer rage burning in his eyes. Eventually Good EJ drops to his knees from the relentless assult and fearfully looks up at Evil EJ.

Good EJ (pleading): “Please…please don’t…I-I’m sorry.”

Without hesitation, Evil EJ pistolwhips Good EJ one final time. Reeling from the blow, Good EJ’s eyes roll back into his head, and his body drops to the floor with a thud.

Evil EJ (darkly): “I’m not.”

Wiping the blood off his chin in one smooth motion and then massaging his neck, Evil EJ smirks in delight, savoring his victory over his archnemesis. Unharmed, Evil Crazy EJ crawls over and repeatedly hits Good EJ’s body with his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (cheering on his wife): “That’s right, Samantha! Teach him a lesson!”

Evil EJ (mockingly to Gray EJ): “Happy now?”

Less than pleased with his lack of self-defense prowess, Gray EJ painfully pulls himself into a sitting position and places a hand against the gash on his forehead.

Gray EJ (wincing): “You’re right, the let down was better…ow.”

Evil EJ removes his black handkerchief from his pocket and cleans Good EJ’s blood off his firearm before reholstering it beneath his suit jacket.

Gray EJ (annoyed): “If you’re so good at bludgeoning with your gun, why didn’t you try that in the beginning?”

Evil EJ (quietly): “I almost didn’t bring it. I didn’t want to give myself the opportunity to do something I’d regret.”

Gray EJ’s eyes widen as he realizes that depending on the chosen aim, Evil EJ losing control and shooting Good EJ could be the death of all five EJs.

Gray EJ (exhaling): “Sorry I asked.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “You should be.”

Ignoring Good EJ’s unconscious form, Evil EJ walks over to where Evil Crazy EJ has stopped hitting Good EJ and placed his Samantha into his lap.

Evil EJ (very grateful as he kneels down): “Thank you, Evil Crazy EJ.”

Evil EJ (talking to the doll): “Thank you, Samantha.”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “You’re welcome! We are happy we could help!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Yes, sweetheart, when we heard Gray EJ scream like a little girl, we woke up and knew something was very wrong! So we came to the rescue! Samantha and I hesitated at first because we remembered what you told us about not biting people even though we are very good at it, but then we thought some more, and we decided that because Good EJ was a pansy and not a person, it was okay. So we distracted him!”

Evil EJ (agreeably): “And you did. Gray EJ and I didn’t mean to leave you out of this, but we didn’t want you or Samantha to get hurt. Turns out we needn’t have worried as we were the ones who needed your assistance, eh?”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “That’s right, my dear. You are a very good ninjitsu sensei.”

Still sitting on the floor, Gray EJ is somewhat disturbed that neither Evil EJ nor Evil Crazy EJ appear to be concerned about Good EJ bleeding profusely from his head and leg wounds.

Gray EJ (interrupting): “Um, we’re going to clean him up, right? I mean, he’ll get an infection or something if we don’t.”

Evil EJ (looking over at Gray EJ and frowning): “I suppose. I am not wasting my money on antibiotics or transfusions for little miss sunshine.”

Evil EJ (turning back to Evil Crazy EJ): “Now with Good EJ incapacitated, it’s time for your plan. Are you and Samantha ready?”

Grinning broadly, Evil Crazy EJ raises both hands in the air in victory.

Evil Crazy EJ (beyond excited): “YES! Samantha has been looking forward to this for weeks! We have all the sheet metal and the cotton candy pink paint and the hand blow torch and everything that you helped us pick out when we went to Lowe’s, the home improvement place!”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Well, now’s the time. Why don’t you start moving everything you two need into Good EJ’s room, and after I get Gray EJ cleaned up, we’ll move Good EJ in there and help you put the cage together.”

Evil Crazy EJ (getting up): “That sounds good to us. Samantha and I are grateful for the assistance. We will change out of our pajamas into our construction clothing as well.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (listening to his wife): “I think so too, darling. The decorative brass molding will be a very classy touch.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha chat as they leave the room. After he extends himself to his full height, Evil EJ moves over to Gray EJ and offers his support as Gray EJ slowly stands.

Evil EJ (annoyed): “Being torn between the light and the darkness completely nullifies any fighting ability you should possess, doesn’t it? Could you be any less helpful?”

Gray EJ (groaning): “It’s not like I don’t try, you know.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Oh, you try, alright. It’s the succeeding part you have a real problem with.”

Evil EJ assists Gray EJ as they move into the living room of the apartment. Gray EJ gratefully sits down on the couch as Evil EJ moves to grab the first aid kit out of the kitchen closet. Bringing it over to the coffee table, Evil EJ sits down on the couch next to Gray EJ and quickly patches up Gray EJ’s head wound.

Gray EJ (sitting still): “I have to say, Evil EJ, I appreciate you doing this because normally Hero EJ woul-AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Gray EJ screams in pain as Evil EJ puts way too much ointment on his injury.

Evil EJ (enjoying himself): “I probably should have mentioned that was going to sting a bit.”

Gray EJ (catching on): “You sick bastard. You’re enjoying hurting me.”

Evil EJ (chuckling): “You know me so well, yet you fall for it every time.”

Gray EJ (wincing): “So what now? After Good EJ is locked up, I mean.”

Evil EJ (applying a bandage to Gray EJ’s wound): “After I’m done with you, I’ll text Hero EJ that the plan was a success. I’m letting him go first since he needs so little time anyway, and we need to finish up things here. Instead of our new captive, he will be the one meeting Samantha and the twins at Roman’s place shortly, and I’ll pick up from him later tonight. As long as the twins cooperate, I’ve already got a lovely dinner and bubble bath planned.”

Gray EJ (tilting his head slightly): “She should appreciate that. I can tell you’re excited.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “You have no idea. Even if I cannot reveal all of my true colors.”

Finished with bandaging Gray EJ’s injury, Evil EJ puts the first aid supplies back into their kit and stands up. As Gray EJ rests for a moment, Evil EJ grabs his cell phone from his pocket, his thumb dancing over the keypad as he types out his message and sends it to Hero EJ. After a few moments, Hero EJ replies back, and Evil EJ smiles as he reads the response.

Evil EJ (moving towards Gray EJ’s room as he puts his cell phone away): “Hero EJ is on his way now, so come on. We need to get everything together before Good EJ wakes up, even if we’re going to tie him up in the meantime just in case. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha will want him to awaken in the finished product for the maximum effect.”

Gray EJ (slowly getting off the couch and following as he grabs the first aid kit off the coffee table): “And we’re going to take care of his injuries so he doesn’t get gangrene or something, right?”

Evil EJ (dismissively as he waves his hand): “Yes, yes…must you remind me?”

Gray EJ (pointedly):“Someone has to. And speaking of which, now that you’re in charge again, you have to pretend to be good, Evil EJ. And you have to share Samantha with the rest of us.”

Evil EJ (sublimely): “I will. I promise.”