Local Salem Commercial Break

Did someone else intercept the murder weapon that you idiotically sent to yourself? Have the police finally connected the disappearances of all those homeless people? Are you looking at spending many years behind bars because your freezer truck malfunctioned? Then contact Elvis DiMera, Evil Attorney at Law.



I know what you’re thinking, darling. How can a guy with a law degree suddenly retconned into his background properly defend me, and as an Englishman, how would I even know American criminal law? One word: experience. It’s because I’ve personally been in your situation myself and beaten the system every single damn time. Here’s a short summary of the crimes I’ve allegedly committed and never went to prison for:

• stalking
• arson by proxy
• bribery
• contracting without a license
• public drunkenness
• extortion
• assault of a police officer
• conspiracy to commit murder
• attempted murder
• organ harvesting
• corruption of a minor
• littering
• slander
• breaking and entering
• and many, many more!

Not only was I never convicted, none of these unfair accusations even made it to trial. As far as the law is concerned, I am an outstanding pillar of Salem’s community, and with my help, you will be too.



And I’m not alone. Once I take on your case, my other four personalities will be working round the clock to exonerate you as well. Good EJ will be by your side 24/7 for all your comforting needs. Hero EJ will spend hours combing over every single detail of your case looking for the evidence that will get you off scott free. Gray EJ will call a press conference announcing that he is setting up a foundation in order to find the real perpetrator of the crime. Finally, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha will discredit the entire Salem P.D. and the D.A.’s office by committing an imaginative and bloody crime spree that will take the heat off you.



So give me, Elvis DiMera, Evil Attorney at Law, a call at 555-ALLEGED or come see me in person at the corner of County Road E and Highway 65 right above my Used Vehicle Emporium. And remember my motto: Innocent until proven guilty.

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

“See, I really was on this show with Shane!”



With her inappropriately timed badgering, Sami puts the fun in funeral.



“Hello, Philip. I hope you're well. I've missed our scheming.” Oh, so have I, EJ. So have I. And thank goodness you got that product out of your hair.



“I’m EJ DiMera.” Ah, that has a nice ring to it.



In the battle of wits between my two favorite couples on the show, it’s Ejami 2, Phloe 0.



“Lucas is so sad he can’t be here.” Because him and OMB were so tight, after all



That’s right, Victor. When opportunity knocks, you open the door.



“Eric said he tried to make it, but he really couldn’t leave Sam in the middle of a demon war.”



Thanks to Sony, Days and Y&R do the best outside sets on daytime. It’s almost as if they really are the outdoors.



“We're a family, at least until they turn on me for not meeting their expectations again.”



“Your grandfather did a good job of raising his family. It's very different from what my father did. I'd like to hope that I could do as well as Shawn.” I don’t blame you, EJ, but the sugary goodness here is so sickly sweet I could swim in it. Blech.



Ever the gentleman. Yes, Sami, you are a complete idiot.

Grade: Pretty much what you’d expect from a funeral episode. N/A.

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

Can’t say I like this look for Sami. It’s a little too severe for her.



Good, more jokes. And that’s got to be the ugliest stuffed animal I’ve ever seen. Puke green for a frog?



The white Henley returns and in conjunction with the obvious parallel.



EJ’s hair was very piece-y today. I wonder how much gel is in it.



“And I think you're really trying to change.”
“I am.”

*shakes her head*

EJ, there was nothing wrong with you as you were. Your depraved self was magnificence personified. Honestly, I just don’t get any enjoyment out of these sort of scenes since Days’ morality laws grate me on multiple levels. EJ shouldn’t have to be a “better man” to win Sami’s love, he shouldn’t have to want to change for Sami’s sake, and he shouldn’t need to be accepted by the Bradys for her to see him as an acceptable match. I reject your cloying, sickly sweet worldview, Days, no matter how much you press it. There ain’t no heroes here.



At least it’s a nice cage, Ava.



“Good thing I can gawk at the accident all I want from up here.”



“Look, I think your grandmother Caroline believes in me. Otherwise she wouldn't have spoken to me the way that she did.” WTF? You’re getting the emotional strokes right, Days, but you really, really need to add a dialogue writer for polish. When I’m not getting hit over the head with the bluntness, I’m cringing at the awkwardness. There wasn’t even any setup for this line.



Who wouldn’t feel safe in his arms? EJ is the calm eye of Sami’s hurricane, and she’s finally starting to figure that out.

Grade: I have to split it here; I’m just too diametrically opposed to the message of changing one’s self for love. A for the minute of Ejami hugging, C for the rest.

I Would Give You Everything

Ejami are sitting on the couch in EJ’s apartment.

Sami (looking at EJ): “So what is it?”

EJ (lightly): “Hmm…the intangible mysteries of the universe.”

Sami (shaking her head): “No, it’s not. What are you really thinking about?”

EJ (grinning): “History.”

Sami (disbelieving): “I’m not really looking for a discussion on Andrew Jackson and wildcat banks, EJ.”

EJ (tilting his head): “And I would be interested in American history because?”

Sami (lightly punching him): “Oh, shut up. What kind of history then?”

EJ (pretending to defend himself by putting up his hands): “Personal history.”

Sami (smiling): “Which one? Your past has been retconned at least three times.”

EJ (chuckling): “Precisely.”

Sami (placing her hand on his arm): “I know that it’s hard reconciling all of that sometimes between Maison Blanche and British boarding schools and Stefano and Susan and Edmund, but it’s not so bad when you gloss over it instead of delving into it. You can only do what the writers tell you.”

EJ (brushing some of Sami’s hair with his hand): “As can you. Which is why we are where we are, aren’t we?”

Sami (shrugging): “I know it’s hard to believe sometimes, but our couple history could be worse. For instance, you could have actually imprisoned me in a cage instead of it just being a running joke.”

EJ (smirking): “True. And I suppose if everyone has baggage, darling, the trick then is to find a matching set, and ours certainly does.”

Sami (groaning): “You initiated this entire conversation to say that, didn’t you? I hope you stole that line because if you paid for it, you should be asking for a refund.”

EJ (chuckling): “Yes, and yes, sweetheart. But it’s correct.”

Sami (considering): “More or less. But what brought on this reflection?”

EJ (placing his arm behind Sami’s back and drawing her closer to him): “Well, it’s not every day that you turn eleven, eh?”

Sami (giggling): “You are the worst case of SORASing ever, aren’t you?”

EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Indeed. I was hoping to find a screencap of you holding me as a baby, but no such luck.”

Sami (laughing): “You don’t think that would have been creepy?”

EJ (mock seriously): “Of course not. It would only prove that we were destined to be together from the beginning.”

They both laugh.

EJ (looking into her eyes): “Samantha…thank you for letting me spend the day with you and the twins.”

Sami (smiling): “You’re welcome. I’m sorry I didn’t wrap it, but it’s kinda hard to shop for a guy who knows his way around the French Rivera.”

EJ (sincerely): “No, it’s perfect. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”

Sami (meeting his gaze): “I know.”

Sami (touching his face with the palm of her hand and whispering): “Happy birthday, EJ.”

Sami pulls EJ towards her and kisses him intensely.

Monday, February 25th, 2008

“I was supposed to have your baby!” His unwavering devotion to Sami and his current absence aside, Evil EJ and Ava here really could have had something special. She has her own thugs and a controlling father and everything!

Grade: C? I was too busy snickering at Ava’s unintentional similarities to Evil EJ. “Father doesn’t let me out much.” Oh, Days. Why does the elevator of your imagination jam at the second floor?

Friday, February 22nd, 2008

Oh, that car. But tonally, we were a lot closer to this:





More jokes! Excellent. And I know deep down you wish Stefano could be okay and be the father you deserve. So do I. If only Days didn’t insist on cardboard cutout villains.



This was hilarious. More self-depreciation, Days, please.



Some people thought this was Sami stopping Evil EJ here for a second from going after John, but I say it was still Good EJ. Written well, he’s a strong man, not a doormat.



“You said you’re Santeen’s son? Well, it must be true if you went to the trouble of calling us all together and holding a meeting to announce it. I don’t need any sort of proof at all.”



Domino? Just because you’re a psycho doesn’t mean you can’t have good taste in the magazine you’re pretending to read.



I don’t know what was weirder here, the extras actually dressed like real nurses and not 1950 stereotypes or them having actual lines.



It’s Elvis, Tony! Save Junior for Bo.

Grade:



Exactly, EJ. All that DiMera/Brady and J&M discussion and you asking Sami if she didn’t love you was very, very good. Moreover, this episode was impressive for what wasn’t there. No “rape” talk, no mentions of Lucas, no Sami berating you and you taking it…A-.