Reviewing March 11th and 13th, 2009

Last Wednesday



“What have you done now, Mom?!”



Is it wrong that I like Bo a lot more now that he has these ludicrous visions?



I have no interest in Luloe, but man, is that some nice lipgloss on Chloe. I wonder what brand it is.



“I don’t know, son…are you incompetent enough to join the Salem PD?”



No, Dr. Baker! You can’t go! What about your fans? You can’t leave us! DAMN YOU, DAYS!



This is a really nice look for Sami here, especially her hair. She should wear it like that more often.



See? Sydney, hereafter known as Elvira because I hate that name, takes after Evil EJ. She clearly knows what’s up.



I think I see part of the Salem PD’s problem here. They’re still using Apple IIGSs from 1990.



Yeah, that’s how I feel about this idiotic plot too. And the 1986 Jordache Spring Collection called, Nicole. It wants its shirt back.

Grade:



Who am I to argue with these two? F.

Thursday



Anyone who thought I’d actually watch an episode with Ejole not sexy time in it doesn’t know me very well. So I thought it’d take the space that review would normally occupy and plug one of my favorite television shows that’s on the bubble for renewal at the moment, Chuck on NBC. Why do I watch this action dramedy? Simple. Chuck and Sarah. Now they aren’t really together.



But they’re trying. It’s just tough when the guy is a nerd who’s had a top secret database accidentally downloaded into his brain and the girl is the CIA agent assigned to protect him. Were they to formally be a couple, Sarah would be reassigned elsewhere.



However, that doesn’t mean they can’t pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend for their cover. And Chuck gave Sarah his mom’s charm bracelet which she wears, so you know they both want to be together. They just have to find a way to make it work.



They even have tons of photos even if they are ones that the CIA faked for them. So if you’re not already watching, please check out Chuck on NBC on Mondays at 8 pm EST, 7 CST. The show isn’t Lost or Heroes, so you can just jump in and enjoy, but if you want to get caught up on previous episodes, you can at http://www.nbc.com/Chuck/ or http://www.hulu.com/chuck



And if that’s not enough, did I mention that Adam Baldwin looks really hot in a wet tux?

Friday



Oh, good, Stephanie gets Philip coffee. Sheesh, perhaps Melanie wasn’t wrong after all, at least as far as Salem is concerned. That is a very pretty dress Stephanie is wearing, however.





“Clap on! Clap off! Clap on, clap off! The Clapper!”



“Yet again you disappoint me, Diet Evil EJ. Here’s a hint. You are the man. You ensure that you don’t run out of formula for my daughter or in event that you do, you go out and get it yourself, you pathetic AFI reject.”



They had not sexy time with the baby in the room?!! Might as well just put Elvira in therapy right now.



Oh, this is just too easy. Insert your own joke here, kiddos.



I have to say, I really did like Diet Evil EJ’s bait and switch here with the alternative fuels project. Of course EJ doesn’t give a crap about the environment; that’s why I was annoyed when they had him be pro-green on Earth Day. Thank you for fixing that, unknown writer person.



Great, Phinie is apparently the new Lumi for slobbering noises while kissing.



If there was ever any doubt that they are trying to make EJ look older for Nicole, here’s your proof.



“I know! It’s like I’m a completely different person with this haircut!”



Is anyone else amused by the fact that EJ seems to be the only one on this soap who takes commitment seriously?



Action Diet Evil EJ with side arm grip! Terrified Melanie sold separately.

Grade: D. Lame, but siding with the oil companies and screwing Melanie over is exactly the kind of ruthless business acumen I want EJ to have. Now just to fix the rest of him.

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Yesterday



Nicole, stop with the helmet hair, seriously.



“On the phone, you said there was a woman, and you let her hold my baby.” If only there was some way you could take "your" baby with you!



You know, Days, I was pleasantly surprised by this part of the show. I mean, you smartly went with a worm instead of a virus, you had this extra in a nice blue shirt play the tech guy, and you actually bothered to explain it all even though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who gives a crap. So I feel bad to point out that you still got part of this completely wrong. I’m willing to handwave the lack of backups for the sake of the plot, but a supposedly multinational corporation like Titan having only one database on two servers is the IT equivalent of Wal-Mart having one store and two trucks for the entire United States. A+ for effort, though.



“Listen, I want you to get in touch with our friend in St. Louis, all right? Tell him to make sure that they destroy any trace of any kind of ties that I might have had with that idiot that took care of our illustrious mayor permanently. And I'll expect some results in a week or you'll be added to the list. I can't believe the incompetence.” You mean the plan might not have been to whack the mayor on your front steps? Nice retcon, unknown writer person.



Okay, so in this episode, we have EJ calling Nicole sweetheart, Sami calling Grace sweetheart, and Roman calling Sami sweetheart. Is this supposed to be some weird Ejami shoutout or something? If not, it’s really, really annoying.



“No, Mr. Kiriakis, I expect you to die!”



But seriously, this is why you never want to be romantically involved with EJ unless your name is Sami Brady. Diet or Regular Evil, EJ is a selfish, possessive bastard. He owns you, and as such, will treat you like an expensive piece of furniture or a valued pet rather than a person. Hence, the creepy petting of Nicole’s hair here or roughly pulling Mexico Chick closer to him back in January 2007. However, when he’s with his Samantha, he’s different. While EJ is obsessive about Sami, he also worships her. She is his ideal woman, and as such, his pure adoration of her provides a natural check against his sociopathic tendencies and turns his possessiveness into genuine gallantry. She is his tainted princess, and he is her black knight. Sure, he’ll play with Sami’s hair, but he’d never harm her. No other woman has that same iron clad guarantee with EJ.



“Your family should know who you really are, EJ.” Yes, Philip, Sami should accept EJ for who he really is. We were just talking about that.
“I'm a DiMera, and you're out of your league.” So very true.
“You know, you and your father have gotten away with a hell of a lot over the years. But this time you've crossed the line. Industrial espionage is a federal crime. So is corporate sabotage. We're talking 30 years minimum. You think you can handle prison, pretty boy?” Diet Evil EJ? I say someone shivs him in the lunch line.



“That's my girl.” Not really.
“And it's a good thing that you don't have to live with her, huh?” Dude, I like Sami’s new townhouse. So much better than the apartment set.
“Yeah. Because mommy will die before she lets that happen.” Woo-hoo!



“You know, mommy loves you so much, and I'm so sorry that I have to go. But I promise you you're gonna meet your big brother Will soon and Allie and Johnny, and we're gonna be together. We're gonna be a family.” *cough* EJ *cough*



“Don't trust EJ. Okay?” It’s November 2006 all over again!



“Sweetheart.” STOP THAT!
“So, uh, do I ever get to know why Philip was so upset?”
“Nothing important.”
“Of course it's important. Everything you do is important to me. Don't you know that by now?” Ejole graduated from the same lack of communication school that Lumi did.



“And he risked his life for me like four times that he'll even admit to. And the killer was torturing him to try to find out where I was, and Rafe didn't tell him anything. When he finally showed up there, Rafe was practically dying.”







“I'm gonna kill EJ DiMera.” Evil EJ wholeheartedly approves of either and/or both Diet Evil EJ and Zombie Dallas EJ dying, Philip. No dismantling Robo EJ, however. Ernie needs him.



“It’s a good day to be a DiMera.” Isn’t it always?
“I don't know anything specific, but it seems fairly obvious that this whole witness protection program has just completed wreaked havoc with her life.” Along with my Ejami, dammit!
“Aside from the fact that we share a son together, I'm not gonna let Samantha’s problems interfere with any of my happiness. I won't allow it.” Oh, shut up, Diet Evil EJ. Fortunately the plot will take care of that for us.



Is it just me or does Sydney’s nursery look like a bedroom you’d see on an episode of Murder, She Wrote?



“And somehow... I'm gonna find a way to take care of both my girls.” Nicole, let it go. You need another dozen to even tie Octomom.

Grade: Well, the only real highlight was Diet Evil EJ demonstrating his wrongness, but I’ll be nice since you tried so hard with the worm, Days. C.


Today



“I haven’t seen you in so long.” Dude, it hasn’t even been 24 hours! Damn, woman. Tone down the desperation. Seriously, go visit Johnny, and by Johnny I mean EJ, if you’re lonely.



“How could the FBI fire you?” Gee, I dunno, maybe because he’s a horrible agent who put you and your children in danger and ultimately failed at his mission?



“If they find out about Grace, they could press charges against you.” And we wouldn’t want that, would we? Sheesh. I swear, Days, you don’t really need to have every single paring be insta-luv. Some people really do keep things casual, you know.
“If you don’t live here, I’ll never see you again.” So very true, but so unintentionally breaking the fourth wall.



You know an episode is boring when the most remarkable thing about it is that there apparently was a 5 for 1 leather sale at Salem’s Burlington Coat Factory.



Honestly, I would think Sami calling on your behalf would actually count against you in most job seeking situations.



“I’ll figure it out.” EJ would have a plan. I’m just saying.



“If we combine our abilities, as a united front we could take Sami away from EJ and-wait, wait a minute, no, we couldn’t.”



So what was funnier about Lumi here? How Lucas idiotically brought up Sami’s fake miscarriage or how as they were about to really start fighting, Sami ran away?



If Rafe takes Chuck’s spot, you are dead to me, Salem PD. Dead to me.

Grade: D. Safe and Lumi? My lack of interest knows no bounds.