Ejamiland

Reviewing March 11th and 13th, 2009

2009-03-16T00:06:00.003-06:00

Last Wednesday

“What have you done now, Mom?!”

Is it wrong that I like Bo a lot more now that he has these ludicrous visions?

I have no interest in Luloe, but man, is that some nice lipgloss on Chloe. I wonder what brand it is.

“I don’t know, son…are you incompetent enough to join the Salem PD?”

No, Dr. Baker! You can’t go! What about your fans? You can’t leave us! DAMN YOU, DAYS!

This is a really nice look for Sami here, especially her hair. She should wear it like that more often.

See? Sydney, hereafter known as Elvira because I hate that name, takes after Evil EJ. She clearly knows what’s up.

I think I see part of the Salem PD’s problem here. They’re still using Apple IIGSs from 1990.

Yeah, that’s how I feel about this idiotic plot too. And the 1986 Jordache Spring Collection called, Nicole. It wants its shirt back.

Grade:

Who am I to argue with these two? F.

Thursday

Anyone who thought I’d actually watch an episode with Ejole not sexy time in it doesn’t know me very well. So I thought it’d take the space that review would normally occupy and plug one of my favorite television shows that’s on the bubble for renewal at the moment, Chuck on NBC. Why do I watch this action dramedy? Simple. Chuck and Sarah. Now they aren’t really together.

But they’re trying. It’s just tough when the guy is a nerd who’s had a top secret database accidentally downloaded into his brain and the girl is the CIA agent assigned to protect him. Were they to formally be a couple, Sarah would be reassigned elsewhere.

However, that doesn’t mean they can’t pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend for their cover. And Chuck gave Sarah his mom’s charm bracelet which she wears, so you know they both want to be together. They just have to find a way to make it work.

They even have tons of photos even if they are ones that the CIA faked for them. So if you’re not already watching, please check out Chuck on NBC on Mondays at 8 pm EST, 7 CST. The show isn’t Lost or Heroes, so you can just jump in and enjoy, but if you want to get caught up on previous episodes, you can at http://www.nbc.com/Chuck/ or http://www.hulu.com/chuck

And if that’s not enough, did I mention that Adam Baldwin looks really hot in a wet tux?

Friday

Oh, good, Stephanie gets Philip coffee. Sheesh, perhaps Melanie wasn’t wrong after all, at least as far as Salem is concerned. That is a very pretty dress Stephanie is wearing, however.

“Clap on! Clap off! Clap on, clap off! The Clapper!”

“Yet again you disappoint me, Diet Evil EJ. Here’s a hint. You are the man. You ensure that you don’t run out of formula for my daughter or in event that you do, you go out and get it yourself, you pathetic AFI reject.”

They had not sexy time with the baby in the room?!! Might as well just put Elvira in therapy right now.

Oh, this is just too easy. Insert your own joke here, kiddos.

I have to say, I really did like Diet Evil EJ’s bait and switch here with the alternative fuels project. Of course EJ doesn’t give a crap about the environment; that’s why I was annoyed when they had him be pro-green on Earth Day. Thank you for fixing that, unknown writer person.

Great, Phinie is apparently the new Lumi for slobbering noises while kissing.

If there was ever any doubt that they are trying to make EJ look older for Nicole, here’s your proof.

“I know! It’s like I’m a completely different person with this haircut!”

Is anyone else amused by the fact that EJ seems to be the only one on this soap who takes commitment seriously?

Action Diet Evil EJ with side arm grip! Terrified Melanie sold separately.

Grade: D. Lame, but siding with the oil companies and screwing Melanie over is exactly the kind of ruthless business acumen I want EJ to have. Now just to fix the rest of him.

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

2009-03-11T00:43:00.003-06:00

Yesterday

Nicole, stop with the helmet hair, seriously.

“On the phone, you said there was a woman, and you let her hold my baby.” If only there was some way you could take "your" baby with you!

You know, Days, I was pleasantly surprised by this part of the show. I mean, you smartly went with a worm instead of a virus, you had this extra in a nice blue shirt play the tech guy, and you actually bothered to explain it all even though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who gives a crap. So I feel bad to point out that you still got part of this completely wrong. I’m willing to handwave the lack of backups for the sake of the plot, but a supposedly multinational corporation like Titan having only one database on two servers is the IT equivalent of Wal-Mart having one store and two trucks for the entire United States. A+ for effort, though.

“Listen, I want you to get in touch with our friend in St. Louis, all right? Tell him to make sure that they destroy any trace of any kind of ties that I might have had with that idiot that took care of our illustrious mayor permanently. And I'll expect some results in a week or you'll be added to the list. I can't believe the incompetence.” You mean the plan might not have been to whack the mayor on your front steps? Nice retcon, unknown writer person.

Okay, so in this episode, we have EJ calling Nicole sweetheart, Sami calling Grace sweetheart, and Roman calling Sami sweetheart. Is this supposed to be some weird Ejami shoutout or something? If not, it’s really, really annoying.

“No, Mr. Kiriakis, I expect you to die!”

But seriously, this is why you never want to be romantically involved with EJ unless your name is Sami Brady. Diet or Regular Evil, EJ is a selfish, possessive bastard. He owns you, and as such, will treat you like an expensive piece of furniture or a valued pet rather than a person. Hence, the creepy petting of Nicole’s hair here or roughly pulling Mexico Chick closer to him back in January 2007. However, when he’s with his Samantha, he’s different. While EJ is obsessive about Sami, he also worships her. She is his ideal woman, and as such, his pure adoration of her provides a natural check against his sociopathic tendencies and turns his possessiveness into genuine gallantry. She is his tainted princess, and he is her black knight. Sure, he’ll play with Sami’s hair, but he’d never harm her. No other woman has that same iron clad guarantee with EJ.

“Your family should know who you really are, EJ.” Yes, Philip, Sami should accept EJ for who he really is. We were just talking about that.
“I'm a DiMera, and you're out of your league.” So very true.
“You know, you and your father have gotten away with a hell of a lot over the years. But this time you've crossed the line. Industrial espionage is a federal crime. So is corporate sabotage. We're talking 30 years minimum. You think you can handle prison, pretty boy?” Diet Evil EJ? I say someone shivs him in the lunch line.

“That's my girl.” Not really.
“And it's a good thing that you don't have to live with her, huh?” Dude, I like Sami’s new townhouse. So much better than the apartment set.
“Yeah. Because mommy will die before she lets that happen.” Woo-hoo!

“You know, mommy loves you so much, and I'm so sorry that I have to go. But I promise you you're gonna meet your big brother Will soon and Allie and Johnny, and we're gonna be together. We're gonna be a family.” *cough* EJ *cough*

“Don't trust EJ. Okay?” It’s November 2006 all over again!

“Sweetheart.” STOP THAT!
“So, uh, do I ever get to know why Philip was so upset?”
“Nothing important.”
“Of course it's important. Everything you do is important to me. Don't you know that by now?” Ejole graduated from the same lack of communication school that Lumi did.

“And he risked his life for me like four times that he'll even admit to. And the killer was torturing him to try to find out where I was, and Rafe didn't tell him anything. When he finally showed up there, Rafe was practically dying.”

“I'm gonna kill EJ DiMera.” Evil EJ wholeheartedly approves of either and/or both Diet Evil EJ and Zombie Dallas EJ dying, Philip. No dismantling Robo EJ, however. Ernie needs him.

“It’s a good day to be a DiMera.” Isn’t it always?
“I don't know anything specific, but it seems fairly obvious that this whole witness protection program has just completed wreaked havoc with her life.” Along with my Ejami, dammit!
“Aside from the fact that we share a son together, I'm not gonna let Samantha’s problems interfere with any of my happiness. I won't allow it.” Oh, shut up, Diet Evil EJ. Fortunately the plot will take care of that for us.

Is it just me or does Sydney’s nursery look like a bedroom you’d see on an episode of Murder, She Wrote?

“And somehow... I'm gonna find a way to take care of both my girls.” Nicole, let it go. You need another dozen to even tie Octomom.

Grade: Well, the only real highlight was Diet Evil EJ demonstrating his wrongness, but I’ll be nice since you tried so hard with the worm, Days. C.

Today

“I haven’t seen you in so long.” Dude, it hasn’t even been 24 hours! Damn, woman. Tone down the desperation. Seriously, go visit Johnny, and by Johnny I mean EJ, if you’re lonely.

“How could the FBI fire you?” Gee, I dunno, maybe because he’s a horrible agent who put you and your children in danger and ultimately failed at his mission?

“If they find out about Grace, they could press charges against you.” And we wouldn’t want that, would we? Sheesh. I swear, Days, you don’t really need to have every single paring be insta-luv. Some people really do keep things casual, you know.
“If you don’t live here, I’ll never see you again.” So very true, but so unintentionally breaking the fourth wall.

You know an episode is boring when the most remarkable thing about it is that there apparently was a 5 for 1 leather sale at Salem’s Burlington Coat Factory.

Honestly, I would think Sami calling on your behalf would actually count against you in most job seeking situations.

“I’ll figure it out.” EJ would have a plan. I’m just saying.

“If we combine our abilities, as a united front we could take Sami away from EJ and-wait, wait a minute, no, we couldn’t.”

So what was funnier about Lumi here? How Lucas idiotically brought up Sami’s fake miscarriage or how as they were about to really start fighting, Sami ran away?

If Rafe takes Chuck’s spot, you are dead to me, Salem PD. Dead to me.

Grade: D. Safe and Lumi? My lack of interest knows no bounds.

Ejami Saint Patrick's Day Solidarity Banner

2009-03-08T22:31:00.002-06:00

Show your Ejami Irish spirit with this banner. As usual, feel free to use it wherever you'd like.

Ejami on Hulu!

2009-03-08T22:27:00.001-06:00

EJ and Sami at the townhouse on March 4th, 2009. I also heard a rumor about there being someone called Rafe there, but he should be out crimefighting with his fellow Ninja Turtles.

Ejamily on Hulu!

2009-03-08T22:25:00.002-06:00

Everyone except the newest addition in the townhouse on March 2nd, 2009.

Saddle up, Space Cowboys and girls

2009-03-08T20:56:00.005-06:00

Ah, Spring. When young Carpe’s mind turns to new hot guys, new handbags at Louis Vuitton, and new slight possibilities of her soap not sucking. So put on your spacesuit, hand the conductor your ticket, and try not to drool at Jimmy too much as we take the Space Train to the universe that is Days of our Lives.

Some Wednesday? I dunno, it’s been a while

“Because I trust you implicitly” and “You see, Melanie, you are completely disposable.” Hey, I remember this guy. There’s even inappropriate touching that brings to mind slicing up her skin!
“I'm an extremely patient man” and “I admire your tenacity, Melanie.” Or do I? Patience and complements…hmmm…nope. Not him. So close, but truly the devil is in the details, eh? So let’s see…too dark to be Good or Gray EJ yet not smart enough to be Evil EJ. And my boy doesn’t think he’s coaching the Knicks either. So I dub thee Diet Evil EJ. Now more like real Evil EJ, and available wherever almost right but not quite imitations of your favorite soap leading man are shown.

“How’s my favorite girl?” Be afraid, Ali. Be very afraid!

I’m still annoyed at you James, but the veneers look nice and will help your career.

“That's our sick, twisted family, dear boy.” Heh heh heh. You’re not half bad, Diet Evil EJ.

See, this is what happens when only 20 people live in your village. I’m supposed to believe Philip doesn’t have anything better to do.

Stuck in a crappy love triangle? Want to be comforted by a random old person? Call 1-800-THIS-SUCKS.

Hey, Lucas and I are on the same page here! That’s how I feel about your “story” too.

Seriously the hair is totally a -2 to EJ’s hotness.

Day after whatever that was

“Really? What do you propose we do, huh? Duel? Fine! Dance off, right here, right now!”

“Of course you lost, princess. Your father never forced you to take ballet in order to improve your agility and gross motor skills, did he?”

“When this clears...you're going to understand that it was the way you treated - or I should say 'mistreated' - Miss Layton that caused this. You insulted her. And then you fired her. And now you expect her to do business with you. That is arrogant.” Hey, this is like when Evil EJ came to Willow’s defense when Nick was bothering her! You mean to tell me someone’s actually done their homework and remembers EJ’s chivalry?!! Damn. An actual writer. Nice work. Now who are you, and what the hell took you so long?

I’m sorry your whole brother relationship with EJ was trashed, Tony, but personally, it’s worth it to hear “I am the chosen son. He trusts my judgment. If he didn't, he wouldn't have put me in this position” and “I am the golden child” come out of EJ’s mouth. We’ve been saying it for some time, so it’s gratifying to have the show finally validate what was obvious yet never stated explicitly.

And the next

Ah, my favorite sociopath father and brainwashed son pair.

“You know something, father?”
“Hmm?”
“You should be more careful. All of that faith and trust you have in me-well, I might get overconfident.”
“You are.” Indeed. But that’s the previous writing more than anything. Glad to see you supporting EJ, Stefano.

“Father, she's about as greedy as they come.”

“Bulls make money, bears make money, pigs get slaughtered!”

“It's something altogether different, Elvis. It's a metaphor, if you will, like an American cliché. It is like the young girl who is a cheerleader in high school. See? So, in order to make the football captain jealous, she dates the valedictorian.” I see what you’re saying, Stefano, but I gave up on Heroes after this last arc.

“Oh, I feel so cheap.”
“Mm. You think this is funny, huh?” Well, it’s not his A material, but I admit I laughed. Sheesh, I might actually have a joke for the next funny montage? I think I need to lie down.

“I made it very, very clear to her that if she crosses us, there's no happy ending for her.” Damn right.
“I did. I threatened an orphan, a girl young enough to be your granddaughter. I thought that you would be quite proud of me.”
“Well, you know something, don't worry about it because it will be good for her. It will make her feel like a grown-up.” Now that’s what I’m talking about. That’s Stefano and Elvis DiMera. Good work, unknown writer person.

Maybe it’s just me, but the whole DiMera vs. Brady feud thing kinda loses its luster when you realize the whole thing could have been won by “accidentally” spilling some cyanide into the food here years ago.

“I do not see what the hell you are so angry about.”
“Are you really that dense, hmm?” Bwa!
“In love, as well as business, it is not a good idea to deal with somebody who holds the trump card, huh? And it is no good for your relationship for Nicole to think that she has the upper hand.” What does it say about Ejole when a sociopath offers the best advice?
“Let me just make one thing very clear. I'm marrying Nicole because I love Nicole. I'm not doing it because I don't trust her.” Like I said, Diet Evil EJ. Evil EJ does not love Nicole. Now, I don’t think Diet Evil EJ really does either, but he wants to, and that’s disgusting.

I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down, down, down
And the flames went higher
And it burns, burns, burns
The ring of fire

Next

Hey, Days, um, your audience is largely female. We wanna see guys fight. And I don’t Strawberry Shortcake is going to be too happy when she gets home and sees that Melanie is living in her house.

Chloe, you knew this could happen when you let Lucas use your flat iron unsupervised.

“You know what I love about men? They push you around and make sure you do what they want when they want it, or you're gonna be in big trouble. But then once you do it, they get all protective over you, like they're not so bad, after all. It's like leaving an extra $20 on the nightstand. You know what I mean?” No, I don’t, Show. Quit implying all guys are johns.
“I don't feel sorry for myself. I can't afford to. It's a man's world out there. I get that. My father taught that to me young and often. I accept it. Doesn't mean I have to like it.” Days, again, soaps are for women.
“Touché.” No, Diet Evil EJ, not touché! See, this is what I’m talking about. It’s not that I think EJ should be infallible, that he can’t concede a point to Melanie–it’s that I don’t think some silly analogy between prostitution and women’s struggles throughout history would do it. Lame.

“No one can love you as much as I do, Sydney, no one. That's why I'm doing this for you and for your daddy.”
You know, I really think Nicole’s cheese might have slipped off its cracker. It’s never a good sign when you’re buying what you’re selling.

“Tell you something, young lady. I'm gonna put you away in a tower. You're never gonna see any boys.” Ah, now that’s an Evil EJ line.

Next

“What the fudge are you doing?!!”

“I was just looking to pawn off Sami’s baby as my own.”

“It’s totally distracting!”

“But I was just trying to hide my miscarriage, EJ!”

“Than why the heck are you walking right through all da-da-da like this with Brady in the background? I’m trying to get through this stupid plot, you idiot! Are you an interloper or not?”

Next

Here I thought there was nothing worse than EJ being volcanically out of character, but that hat has proven me wrong. Not much to say for this episode besides that EJ calling Nicole sweetheart over and over does take the ring out of it. Le sigh. Perhaps he can call Sami baby doll or some such now?

Next

*snore*

Now that’s more like it. He idiotically may not want to, but Diet Evil EJ loves Sami.

And Sami loves him, less than 100% evil and intelligence aside.

Nicole, you’ve only decided to go after a man who loves your archnemesis, steal their secret daughter, and pass her off as your own. Gee, how could this possibly go wrong?

Next

“‘An ethical threat’? What-okay, what is an ethical threat? I don't even know what that is.” Bad moral influence, methinks. And if that was a joke attempt, try harder. Anyway, this was well written, but since it’s Diet Evil EJ being a tool about Nicole, not much to add here.

I see bad hair now apparently runs in the family.

“Every single night, okay, when I put Johnny to bed, I would show him a picture of you.” Awwww.
“Samantha, Johnny is never going to forget about you. The kid loves you with all his heart. You mean the world to your children. They adore you, as well they should.” And by them, you mean you.

Next

Man, I don’t watch in order to protest the writing for a few months, and look at what happens. Jenkins? Where’s Chuck?

“WHAT HAS MOM DONE NOW?!!” Ah, it never gets old.

Monday

“Magic? Oh, okay. That's fine. I'm a big fan of magic.” Ejami is magic!
“Samantha, I don't need to get Johnny out of the house to spend time with Sydney. And let's, just to be clear - I'm not saying you're suggesting it - Johnny is never gonna be shunted aside for any reason.” Except when the plot demands it like this whole secret baby thing.
“He missed his mother. When you were away, there was a certain sadness in his eyes.” And in yours.
“I know that coming home and seeing the kids has made you very emotional, but you also seem sad.” Oh, Diet Evil EJ reads Sami more like regular Evil EJ!

4/5 Ejamily.

“I cannot believe how late it is. It is so past their bedtime.”
“Johnny and I are pretty used to staying up and watching the late-night talk shows, aren't we, big fella?” Now that’s how you unobtrusively plug Jimmy Fallon, Days. Nice.

Tuesday

“Maybe I shouldn't marry Nicole. I have an idea. What if I made her worst nightmare come true...and married you?”
“Right. That's what I want more than anything, especially since it worked so well the last time.” Yeah, it did. Check the ratings.
“You're the father of my children.” 3 out of 4! And if you had been around back then, it would be 4 for 4.
“Oh, really? Did I miss something?” More like do you catch anything, Diet Evil EJ?
“Samantha, when you were away, did something happen to you, something I don't know about?” Insert uncontrollable rage here.
“I know that. I mean, if you saw her doing something to hurt him, I'm sure you would stop her, but you don't see it.” I cannot imagine a scenario where it would be to Nicole’s advantage to hurt Johnny.
“Just like you can't see the truth about your father.” What part of brainwashed to be a living weapon is so hard to understand?
“Oh, let's just say I'm a little bit more wiser to him than I was.” Yeah, right. That’s how this mental stuff works. Just when you think you’ve searched the apartment, you find out there’s more floors to the building.
“But you think it's okay for Johnny to live there in that house.”
“That house? Samantha, it's a house, okay?” It’s a mansion!
“Samantha, you don't need to worry about me.” Evil EJ? No. You? Yeah, she better.
“Because a part of me will always love you.” A part that’s 100%.

“Oh, I'll take what I can get. I thought you flat-out hated me.” And this kiddies, is why nearly everything since June 30th of last year was complete garbage. Take an unneeded break of several months just to have this convo again? How many times have we been here? Twenty?
“No, I don't hate you, but the fact that I care about you has never made me blind to the fact that you're a DiMera and always will be” and “EJ, you can't put your guard down around them. You have to protect Johnny. You can't let him turn out like one of them.” Hey, unknown writer person, I really love all the work you’ve done these past three weeks, and how you’re making lemonade out of these lemons, but this is exactly my problem with how Ejami is written. Sami can’t have it both ways, and the show would be better off letting that go. Straddling that line is how this crap plot started in the first place.

“I think I know where that part is. I think it's the part of me that resisted my father when he was trying to turn me into, you know, ‘a DiMera.’” Sigh. First of all, clearly that didn’t work Mr. “I’m 30 yet still live with and work for my daddy”, secondly, heaven forbid Sami accept you as you truly are.
“All right, that small part of you that I like is back.” Forget that. Embrace the evil.
“Now, they have you and me in their corner, but whatever they do is up to them.” Unlike others who have been brainwashed, EJ isn’t interested in doing the same to his children. He has a big heart.
“EJ, it's like I'm seeing a side of you that I never got the chance to meet.” No, no, NO! Would you like me to draw you a flowchart?
“Well, you didn't really allow me to show it to you, Samantha.” BS. Seriously, Days. This was all very nice, but I’ve seen all of it before over and over and over. The carousel is getting old.

Wednesday

“See, that would be really hard to stomach, especially considering that you're here and your new fiancée and your new baby are, where are they, again?” It’s times like this that I miss Evil EJ the most.

“Hey, kids, you wanna get woken up right after you’ve just fallen asleep and play with a total stranger?”

Sorry, Bo, but I already have a favorite TV psychic.

“If I had a kid like Johnny with a mother like you, I certainly wouldn't be so concerned with pleasing my daddy.”
“It's not like that.”
“It's what you said.”
“Yeah, well, I'm allowed to say things like that.” Ugh. Seriously. Conditioned since near birth? Hello? I mean, damn, no, this isn’t okay. EJ is not normal and cannot be normal. How dare you two bash him for it. Stefano would have cut his losses and drowned both of you before you were four.

“You seem a little bit touchy about Sami, especially for someone who's moved on. You see, I was there the night that you called to tell her that. Although she couldn't leave the house because someone was trying to kill her and she couldn't see her kids, you felt the need to keep her in the loop, fill her in on your latest romantic conquest.” That was the abominable writing, not EJ.
“Well, I certainly don't owe you an explanation, but I'll give you one. Samantha and I share a son. Now, that means that I'm always going to be somewhat protective of her.”
“Protective or possessive?” Ah, naïve little Rafe. With EJ, they’re the same thing.
“I think you should go now.” And here’s your proof.

Evil EJ tends to be amused when other men kiss his woman as he’s secure in his ownership of her. Diet Evil EJ? Not so much apparently.

Thursday

“He crossed a line, Roman. Both personally and professionally, he crossed a line.”
“No, actually, EJ. That would be you.” It is what he does.
“Okay, in simple terms-”
“Oh, yeah, no, thanks. Be sure to dumb it down for me.” Again, it’s what he does.
“In simple terms, I don't think it's appropriate for you to be having some kind of a relationship with your bodyguard.” Neither do I. He’s better than Lucas, but that’s not saying much.
“You want me to calm down? How would you feel if you found out someone was spying on you?” It’s what he does!
“This is not the point. My point is I'm trying to protect you.” Damn right.
“And secondly, Rafe is a hell of a lot better man than any of the guys that I have been with in the last couple years that I thought I was so madly in love with. But it's too late to change history now, isn't it?”
“You want to say that again?” Way to insult Lucas and EJ, show.
“Samantha, your well-being affects our son, so I'm sorry, but I have a vested interest in whoever you're hooking up with.”
"Hooking up with"? Could you be any less tasteful?” IT IS WHAT HE DOES!
“Rafe risked his life for me. He almost got killed in the process. He was stabbed. Do you know that?”
“I don't care.” No kidding. You are in the double digits for saving Sami’s life.

“The sooner he gets back to Washington, the better.” Diet Evil EJ, your attempt to stop Rafe is to file a complaint against his professionalism. This is why you’re Diet Evil EJ.

Friday

Aw. She’s so cute! I still don’t like Sydney’s or Grace’s names, however. Whatever happened to naming girls after Metallica songs?

“Have you kept a copy of that contract? I suggest you go and look for it if you can't find it. Because there's a section in there that deals with the returning of the cash advance” and “I can assure you that, um, pouting is not a particularly effective negotiating technique.” Hah. I have to say, Diet Evil EJ, while I’d prefer for you to break the law, bending it like this is pretty entertaining.

I didn’t watch any of this because, seriously, I really, really don’t care. We all know who’s currently paired with whom and who is going to be coupled next. From Ejole to Safe. Zzzzzzz.

“They're probably just sitting there swapping recipes, you know, or comparing prenups. They are being mature and selfless,” Ahaha! It’s okay, Stefano, I laughed too. And you’re allowed to laugh at your own jokes when they’re good.

“Father. Is there something that you're not telling me?” And this is why I love the Stefano and EJ dynamic so much. On the one hand, Stefano knows EJ’s extremely competent. On the other, Stefano also understands what exactly he had to do to EJ to make him that way…which means not being honest with him about things like having Nicole followed. It’s fascinating.

Grade

“Overall, B+. Not perfect, as Diet Evil EJ and the plot need some work, but infinitely better writing than what we had been getting until recently. So what do you think?”

“I gotta say, dawg, it was weak. I didn’t feel it. I mean, Kara didn’t even bother to show up for this way too long recap of yours, yo.”
“It wasn’t your best. You had a lot of episodes to go through, and your voice seemed to get lost in all of it. You’re a good reviewer, and I know you worked really hard on this, but it just wasn’t your best. Not your best.”
“Dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. You’re gone for who knows how long, and this is what you come up with? Barely any analysis and ripping off Late Night with Jimmy Fallon? Please. And I was going to give you credit for not plugging The Mentalist yet again, but you couldn’t help yourself, could you? Your loathsome crush on Patrick is clearly interfering with your devotion to Ejami. Simply awful.”

Note to James Scott

2009-02-09T00:34:00.010-07:00

So I read your little interview in the Valentine's Day issue of SOD, and my reaction is pretty much summed up by the following-just imagine "Ejole" in the place of "light":

I understand it's part of your job to plug your current couple, and it's fine that you prefer EJ with Nicole, but there was no need to publicly trash Ejami and us Ejami fans. Without us, you would currently not be portraying EJ, you ungrateful egotistical twit. So while I'm still an Ejami fan, I'm no longer a James Scott one.

Spin the Wheel of Cluelessness

2009-02-09T00:26:00.003-07:00

So we made the Soap Opera Digest's Insider email mailing once again:

The original (the text was removed, but these are the images and background):

The blurb that goes along with it is "Finally, the Ejami fans from the Sony Board fans sent the board game Clue, with the message, 'Ejami fans all over the world, with their unwavering enthusiasm, support their spellbinding supercouple! They have played their own special version of Clue to see what kind of results they will find. The solutions: EJ in the abandoned house, with his DiMera legacy, steals Sami's heart and Samantha, in the abandoned house, with her Brady spirit, captures EJ's soul!'" I see that SOD edited the text that I wrote and didn't mention the part about TPTB buying a clue, but hey, why bother when it ain't going to happen, eh?

Anyway, as usual, I didn't do any actual work, and all the thanks should go to UHcougar for ordering the board games and sending them in.

Because Dino Asked So Nicely

2009-01-10T23:19:00.001-07:00

It's Evil EJ shooting Zombie Dallas EJ!

The long version:

The short version:

As usual, feel free to use my banners wherever you'd like.

Carpe Reviews Random Crap

2009-01-04T22:40:00.002-07:00

So where was I?

Last time on Leverage, the team had been running a two week scam on a corrupt judge in a small town when Nate and Sophie were taken hostage in a bank right before the jig was supposed to be up. In response, Hardison, Parker, and Eliot made moves to rescue them before Nate called them off, instructing them that these weren’t usual bank robbers. The game now included helping this father and son team-oh, wait, that’s on cable.

Last time on The Mentalist, Patrick Jane and his magical hair discovered who was responsible for two cyanide poisonings at a university through his usual blatant deception and magician trickery. We also learned that he was institutionalized for a nervous breakdown after his wife and daughter were brutally slain by the serial killer Red John, and that his-no, that’s not right either. I need a guy and a girl.

Last time on Gossip Girl, Chuck’s dad Bart had just passed away due to fatal injuries sustained in a limo crash. Obviously poor Chuck despaired at the news that the man he had both loved and loathed for so many years was gone, and Blair stood by his side, refusing to let the man that she loved suffer alone. As she confronted him at his limo, Blair finally let Chuck know that-dammit. I need a guy and a girl on a show with horrible writing.

Last time on Days of our Lives, Zombie Dallas EJ was stumbling around at room temperature while Fifteen Year Old Sami was walled off with Rafe the Lucas Clone in a Bobby and Britney plot from The Young and the Restless circa 2005. In addition, Nicole had broken the laws of physics in order to be in every scene at all times with nuBrady characterized as the Austin to her Carrie Reed. And I was actively avoiding watching because as a general rule, I do not engage in self-torture. You can’t unsee something, so I try to swerve around out of character scenes and situations as much as possible. However, I did catch a few things around Christmas:

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

“Word is that Nicole Walker is carrying your child and has moved into the DiMera mansion.” Not exactly.
“That's right.” No, that’s what you think. Silly zombie. Brains are for kids!
“My advice - throw the bitch out on her ass.” Hear, hear, Victor!

“Don't ever speak that way about Nicole again. You hear me?” Oh, I think you’ll be saying much worse things about her soon enough.
“Nicole is poison.” That’s insulting to poison.
“She will turn your life into a nightmare.” Actually I think that’s Dena and the writing staff.

“Who are you to tell me what she's gonna do with my life? Your marriage to her was completely disastrous. You're old enough to be her grandfather. You didn't love her. She doesn't love you.” Not everyone marries for love, Zombie Dallas EJ.
“Your naiveté is astounding.” Which is why no one is buying this. EJ is many, many things but never utterly dense. The hair gel is strangling his neural net.
“Nicole and I are deeply in love.” Yeah, right.

“Nicole doesn't love anyone but herself. And if you think she's changed, you're a bigger fool than I thought you were.” Yeah, he is. It’s sad.
“So, let me just get this straight-you're the person who believed that a woman 80 years your junior was in love with you, but me-I'm the fool, right?” Man, zombies can’t add either apparently.
“I knew Nicole wasn't in love with me. We had an arrangement. We both got exactly what we wanted till Nicole screwed it up. There's only one thing that Nicole likes more than herself, and that's money. Now, deep down, you know that. And sooner or later, you're gonna have to face it.” Preferably during a sweep month, eh?

“Fine. Don't take my advice. Just don't come whimpering to me months from now when, heartbroken and bankrupt, your relationship with Nicole blows up in your face, because I can assure you, it will. It's just a matter of time.” Which is part of the problem here. You don’t want to telegraph your entire plot for your audience months ahead of time. Why should we watch the current scenes when they don’t mean anything, especially when EJ is completely unrecognizable?

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

Yeah, chicks really want to watch other chicks sleep. Is it any wonder the ratings are down?

Oh, hey, it’s Dream Not Evil EJ! Nice jeans.

How do we know this is a dream? Evil EJ would have inserted a joke here.

He’s also not a volcanic hothead.

Oh, shut up, Carrie.

Yes, this is a “nightmare,” but even so, this is not Evil EJ. First off, he should have said something funny. Inappropriate moments are when he breaks out his best material, like when he was about to kill John. Moreover, Evil EJ runs cold, not hot. When pressed, he crystallizes into deadly calm. He’s the icy chill down your spine, the sense of dread in the air, not generic yelling. Bottom line, TPTB, less Two Face, more Joker next time.

And once again Days is behind the curve. Who isn’t psychic on television right now? You have Patrick on The Mentalist, Alison on Medium, Pamela on Supernatural, Melinda on Ghost Whisperer, Sookie on True Blood…

I know having a kid with autism is extremely difficult, but damn, you two are awful parents.

Oh, you gotta love soaps. Remember only a few months ago when Stefano and Marlena were trying to kill each other? Ah, good times, good times.

“It’s okay, Theo. This plot scares me too.”

Yup, Luloe is screwed. The Horton Christmas tree is written in stone…except where Johnny and Ali are concerned. Heh, us Ejami fans can get out of any writing box, can’t we?

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

There are a million things wrong with this scene.

“Santa?” Santa? Santa?!! Are you kidding me?! Damn, I hope Days got a half-way decent dialogue writer for Christmas.

Ah, Rafe, I had such hope for you…such dreams…all shattered.

This is the equivalent of the local serial killer enjoying your kids’ Christmas recital.

Show, Zombies can’t read.

Damn it, Nicole, it’s knit one, purl two.

And zombies can’t dress either. Half off sale at men’s Express, eh?

You know Days is bad when you’re not entirely dismayed to see Lucas. And Ali looks so cute.

Ugh, the hair. Still way too much product, and that cut is horrific. I prefer short and spiky, but if you want to do the longer look with EJ, you have to change the part and shave some volume off the sides.

Sami looks so pretty in captivity.

“How is this even possible?” Well, there’s this snappy doodad called a webcam that hooks up to your fancy laptop there and transmits voice and audio over the global network that is the Internet. Welcome to 2001.

OH NOES! Poor wittle Nicole…blech. Dena, you can try all you want, but there is no way I am going to sympathize with Nicole, much less emphasize with her. You’ve turned her into Carrie, and I’ve always hated Carrie.

Sheesh, pregnant women sure are emotional. It’s not like your kids are going anywhere.

How long was this? One line? Man, good thing I recorded this. My Ejami history wouldn’t be complete without EJ complaining to Sami about Roman talking to her too much.

Friday, December 26th, 2008

Yup, it’s nuLumi. He’ll be yelling about his shoes soon. Just you wait.

The Killer, may I entice you to shoot Rafe instead of Sami? I have some tasty Christmas cookies with some blood red frosting I think you’d enjoy.

Okay, I see what Days was going for here, but seriously, what works for a long sleeved t-shirt does not necessarily translate into a sweater. Ugh.

Yeah, that’s exactly what the show needs, fantasy time spent on Carrie and her shady doctor.

See, it even has similar electric orange piping! Such an insult to the original top here.

“EJ, I’d attempt to give you some decent advice here, but since I’m off the show so soon anyhow, why should I pretend to care?”

After watching you in action, nuBrady, I hereby dub thee Austin. Now go find Carrie, and go somewhere far, far away from Ejami. Or hook up with Chloe, I’m flexible.

Gotta be careful with those rollover minutes, Carrie.

When I grow up I want to be as beautiful as Sami.

Maybe it’s just me, but I really don’t think this is an appropriate place to watch your old porn vids.

“I’m starting to think EJ will always have feelings for Sami.” Gee, you think? This is like when Hope used to wish that Shelle would get back together. Obvious weak sop to the rooting couple.

Yet another sign this is Zombie Dallas EJ. Even Evil EJ would not make Mary wear this ill-fitting and totally not cute work uniform.

“What, are we just quitting naps?” No, we’re quitting this damn limp dialogue that’s what we’re quitting. Those rumors about it improving were clearly false.
“He misses his mother. That's the problem.” As do you. If only the plot would show it.

Meanwhile, on General Hospital, Jason “Stone Cold” Morgan searches for-oh wait.

Seriously, The Killer, can we keep you? I admit you’re a sad excuse for a sniper, but you seem decent with your handgun, and I’ve found your 15 seconds of screentime more interesting than the rest of the show. What can I say? I like the violence.

Johnny is adorables.

“STOP COPYING ME!!!”

“It can get pretty lonely in this big, old house, can't it?” With the girlfriend you purportedly love living with you who is supposedly carrying your baby? Red flag!
“But guess what. In the next month or two, you are going to have your very own brother or sister to play with.” Just not the one you think.
“How does that sound? Pretty cool?” Very cool.
“You know what else you have to look forward to? This little boy or girl is going to have his very own, or her own, mummy. Someone who's very loving. Very loving and very caring and who's crazy about you, you little lady-killer. She's gonna be a part of our family.” *evil cackle* Ah, you slay me, Zombie Dallas EJ.
“Well, I suppose she already is a part of our family.” If you have to think about it, she never will be.

Monday, January 5th, 2009

Hey, Patrick, can you use your mad mentalist skills and send me into the future for a few minutes?

The future, Carpe?

Yes, all the way to tomorrow, and its one slightly not pointless scene.

Now that I’ve been outfitted with my flying car and silver jumpsuit, let me take a moment to say that while I much prefer Sami to Carrie, the only person I actually want to watch sleep is Evil EJ.

“Whenever I close my eyes, all I can think about is EJ-trying to talk to me, walking away from me…” Show and don’t tell? More like “we’re too incompetent to actually film any of this, so let’s just have some exposition.” Think about how powerful that imagery could have been in a dream sequence, even a very short one. Ah, this Ejami break is so purposeless.

Grade: Back in the present, the verdict is self-evident. F, of course. What’s worse here, the abysmal dialogue, the unbalanced screentime, the ludicrous scene choices, or the out of character actions? You make the call! Moreover the sheer lack of surprise is astounding.

There’s foreshadowing, and there’s paint by numbers. This plot is a grocery list at this point. EJ “involved” with Nicole, check. Nicole lying to him, check. Only a matter of time before this all collapses, check. Show dragging it out forever anyway, check. What I wouldn’t give for something unexpected to happen.

Seriously, don’t waste your time. You’d get more out of a broken Zune at this point. Instead watch some good television (I’d recommend the above three programs if you need suggestions) with actual writers who care about their characters and keep an eye on the spoilers so when Days decides to start not sucking again, you can jump right back in. That’s my plan. But why listen to me when you can listen to Michael Logan of TV Guide, who lists the entire show in The Worst in Soaps 2008 in the January 5-11 2009 issue?

Support Ejami Petition

2009-01-04T04:47:00.002-07:00

You can sign it at http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/supportejami

Now I admit I've never heard of one these things actually working, even slightly, but hey, it's not like it can hurt either.

Save Ejami Avatar and Banner

2009-01-04T04:45:00.001-07:00

Of course I have a Save Ejami avi and banner combo. Feel free to use either wherever you'd like.

New and Improved! It's the Save Ejami Blog!

2009-01-04T04:44:00.003-07:00

I decided to do some early spring cleaning and consolidate my old Save Sami and Save EJ blogs into a Save Ejami one. You can find it at http://saveejami.blogspot.com/ or in my other blog section or affiliates list in the sidebar. It's a compliation of TPTB and advertiser contact information that we can use to shower them with Ejami love.

If you'd like to link me, I'd be more than happy to return the favor both here and at Save Ejami. The snazzy link button is below, and feel free to resize it or whatever for your needs. I really don't care what it looks like, heh.

And please let me know if you have any ideas that should be over there or if you know I need to update some of the information. And yeah, we shouldn't have to do this for a soap rooting couple, but unfortunately they're on Days. We constantly have to remind them who they should be writing for.

Evil Ejami Family Solidarity Banner and Avis

2009-01-04T04:41:00.000-07:00

Yes, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha were kind enough to color a drawing celebrating the birth of the new Ejami baby girl! They also nicely let me convert it into a banner and two avatars.

Solidarity Banner:

Avi of the whole family:

Avi of EJ, Sami, and baby girl:

Feel free to use these wherever you'd like.

Spring and Evil Ejami Family Postcards

2009-01-04T04:28:00.002-07:00

Yeah, I know, I know, all we do is show TPTB our Ejami love, and the return on our investment tends to be quite lacking most of the time. But that's all the more reason to step it up a notch in 2009 with new postcards.

Spring into Ejami:

The Evil Ejami Family as expertly drawn by Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha:

Feel free to send these wherever you'd like.

Happy Ejami 2009!

2009-01-02T00:24:00.007-07:00

It's a new year, and thus, a new layout! Let me know what you think in the chat box, or if you catch me online, you can chat with me using the Windows Live Messenger over on the side.

You can also look for me on Sony's official Days of our Lives message board in the Ejami thread. If I'm not here, odds are I'm over there, heh.

Just the Christmas I've Been Waiting For

2009-01-01T19:33:00.001-07:00

Ready for the final ghost, Evil EJ smiles as he waits.

Evil EJ (twisting the knife): “Cutting it a little close, aren’t we?”

Carpe (frantic): “It’s not technically Christmas yet!”

Evil EJ (smugly): “Better hurry.”

Evil EJ turns his head as a dark figure moves out from a nearby alley towards him.

Carpe (narrating): “The Phantom slowly, gravely, silently approached, and in the very air through which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter gloom and mystery. It was shrouded in a deep gray garment, which concealed its head, its face, its form, and left nothing of it visible, save two outstretched hands holding a gleaming scythe. But for this, it would have been difficult to detach its figure from the sudden night that had fallen and separate it from the darkness by which it was surrounded.”

Evil EJ (unimpressed): “Not exactly a practical man, are you?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing.

Evil EJ (yawning): “Oh, yes, how foreboding. Let’s get on with it then, eh?”

The Ghost of Christmas Future again says nothing. He then swings his scythe and uses his Ghost of Christmas Future powers to send both of them into the future. They arrive in a snowy graveyard, and the Phantom points to two persons meeting some distance away.

Carpe (narrating): “Oh, cold, cold, rigid, dreadful death, set up thine altar here, and dress it with such terrors as thou hast at thy command: for this is thy dominion!”

Future Sami (crying as she looks at the grave): “Oh, no, Will, no!”

Future Lucas (volcanic): “This is all your fault, Sami! He died from flesh eating bacteria! He would have been fine if he hadn’t had that sore throat he got from yelling at you!”

Future Sami (sobbing): “My baby, no, oh no!”

Evil EJ looks at the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Evil EJ (offhandedly): “As saddened as I am at Samantha’s pain at the loss of her child, you do realize that this is actually an incentive for me, don’t you? I’d finally be able to get my PlayStation 3 back from that ungrateful brat. He never even invited me over to play Resistance on it.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmCICWhHaY4

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing after it successfully stops itself from snickering.

Carpe (quietly): “The Phantom moved forward into another part of the cemetery. Evil EJ joined it, and, wondering why and whither he had gone, accompanied it until they reached an iron gate. He paused to look round before entering. The Spirit stood among the ignored graves, and pointed down to one. Evil EJ advanced towards it. The Phantom was exactly as it had been, but he saw new meaning in its solemn shape.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9JOs983AN0

Like a touch from hell
I feel how hot that it can get if you get caught
Like a strike from Heaven that turns that key
That brings you straight down to your knees

Like a touch from hell
I feel how hot that it can get if I get caught
Like a strike from Heaven to reprieve
That brings you straight down to your knees

Carpe (with emphasis): “Immovable as ever, the Ghost still pointed downward to the grave.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I wonder whose grave this could be.”

Carpe (somberly): “And Evil EJ read upon the stone of the neglected grave his own name, Elvis DiMera, with the inscription that he died alone.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Just the funeral I’ve been waiting for.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future and Evil EJ stare at each other for nearly a full minute until Evil EJ walks towards the headstone and casually leans on it.

Evil EJ (smirking and raising an eyebrow): “If only.”

The Ghost of Christmas Future says nothing for several moments until it sighs loudly. Beaten, it removes its hood and reveals its actor, Gray EJ.

Gray EJ (sighing again): “I knew this wasn’t going to work.”

Evil EJ (listing): “Between Samantha, the twins, the new baby on the way, Father, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha, you, Prince Valiant, Dora the Goodness Explorer, Johnny 5 and his son, and the Ghoul That Wouldn’t Die, I’m lucky if I get a few moments alone to myself, much less have time to truly rest.”

Gray EJ (dejected): “True, but I practiced for weeks.”

Evil EJ walks over to Gray EJ and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder.

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “And it paid off. Come now, Gray EJ. You’re the only one who could have played this part. I was almost frightened there for a few moments.”

Gray EJ (asking): “But isn’t the whole point of this story that Scrooge is supposed to undergo a redemptive arc? That by the end he truly is a better man?”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “Because I learned that my nefarious deeds were leading me to my eternal damnation? Not this time. You know as well as I do, fencesitter, that fictional characters can never truly die. This is a reckoning that will never come to me nor any of us. We exist as we are forever.”

Carpe (elaborating): “Moreover, I write to entertain, not to educate. Since Evil EJ is the hero of this tale, wrong is right, and his untoward acts are to be enjoyed and celebrated. Go read the original if you want a traditional moral to the story.”

Evil EJ (vindicated): “You heard the woman.”

Gray EJ (sighing): “I suppose. And I bet you have some people to kill now, don’t you?”

Evil EJ (anticipating): “Yes, that does sound delicious, doesn’t it?”

Gray EJ (shifting in place): “Well, I’m going to go change then. This cloak thing is terribly itchy.”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, I’ll see you at the cast party afterwards.”

Gray EJ (smiling): “Okay, have fun.”

Evil EJ (darkly): “I always do.”

Gray EJ swings his scythe and uses his Ghost of Christmas Future powers to send Evil EJ back to early Christmas morning.

Evil EJ (sarcastically as he gets out of bed): “It’s Christmas Day-I haven’t missed it! I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future! The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. Oh, Jacob Marley! Heaven and the Christmas Time be praised for this!”

Carpe (quickly): “Running to the window, he opened it, and put out his head. No fog, no mist; clear, bright, jovial, and stirring. Cold, piping for the blood to dance to, golden sunlight, heavenly sky, sweet fresh air, merry bells. Oh, glorious! Glorious!”

Evil EJ (snidely): “I am as happy as an angel. A Merry Christmas to everybody! A Happy New Year to all the world!

Evil EJ sees a newcomer to town walking towards the DiMansion.

Evil EJ (nicely as he looks down): “Feliz Navidad, Señor. Hoy es un día maravilloso, no?”

Rafe (annoyed): “Speak English, you British fop.”

Evil EJ’s countenance darkens.

Evil EJ (less nicely): “Well, Ninja Turtle, your intelligence on current FBI matters was on point. I trust everything was in order for your payment.”

Rafe (more annoyed): “Yes, and I just came over here to tell you that I’m never doing that again no matter how much I need the money. I’m not your errand boy.”

Rafe starts to move away.

Evil EJ (calling down to him): “Your choice. But you forgot your tip.”

Rafe turns around and looks up only to see a black American Express Credit Card fly towards him. He stumbles backwards as the card lodges in his jugular vein and falls to the ground, cracking his skull open on the icy pavement.

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “No one touches Samantha but me.”

Carpe (smirking): “Having dispatched yet another unworthy rival, Evil EJ dressed himself all in his best, and at last got out into the streets. The people were by this time pouring forth, as he had seen them with the Ghosts of Christmas Presents and, walking with his hands behind him, Evil EJ regarded every one with a delighted smile.”

As Evil EJ determinedly walks down the street, he runs into Robo EJ pushing Baby Ernie in a stroller.

ROBO EJ (suddenly remembering he has lines): “EVIL EJ? CAN HAVE CHRISTMAS MON-”

Evil EJ (already anticipating the situation): “Here’s your check, you walking aluminum can.”

ROBO EJ (happily): “OH THANK YOU! ROBO EJ KNEW EVIL EJ NICE PERSON!”

Evil EJ (bending down and adjusting Ernie’s blanket): “And be more careful with young Ernie, will you? You don’t want him to get sick.”

ROBO EJ (grateful for the help): “YES, EVIL EJ! ROBO EJ LOVE SON ERNIE! ROBO EJ DO BETTER!”

Evil EJ continues to walk down the street only to see Brady coming towards him.

Brady (waving): “Hello, cousin! Have you recon-”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twQ7r5jIG60

Evil EJ watches as an icicle from one of the overhangs above falls and impales Brady in the chest. Pleased, he walks over to Brady.

Evil EJ (cheerfully): “Here, let me help you with that.”

Brady (in shock): “No, don’t! Don’t pull it ou-”

Blood gushes everywhere and Brady collapses as Evil EJ removes the icicle.

Evil EJ (considering): “Oh, well, yes, that wasn’t a very good idea, was it? Of course, that wasn’t very good writing either, but that’s Grey’s for you. Izzie and Denny the Stalking Ghost, please.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Nothing personal, but you do know how frosty distant family relations can be, cousin.”

Two for two, Evil EJ steps over Brady’s soon to be dead body and hurries to the Horton cabin. Inside, Sami and the twins are ready and waiting for him. Sami is dressed in a red Christmas dress and with matching coat in while the twins are in black and red snowsuits.

Sami (hugging him as she opens the door): “Oh, EJ!”

Evil EJ (peeking inside): “Is everyone ready to go?”

Sami (prepared): “Yes, we’re all set, and Will’s already so fed up with everything that he’s on his way back to Carrie and Austin’s in Switzerland.”

Evil EJ (pleased): “Excellent. Where’s Lucas?”

Sami (explaining): “He went to go get some hot chocolate from Starbucks before he went to work, but-wait, there he is.”

Sami and Evil EJ turn their heads to see Lucas coming towards them.

Evil EJ (turning around): “Merry Christmas, Lucas. May I have a word with you before we go to work this morning?”

Lucas (casually): “Sure, that’s fine with me.”

Evil EJ (to Sami): “Would you mind?”

Sami (smiling): “Of course not.”

Sami shuts the door, and both Lucas and Evil EJ take a few steps out into the middle of the street. Lucas then looks at Evil EJ.

Lucas (sipping his drink): “What’s up?”

Evil EJ (plainly): “Well first, I actually want to say that you’ve been an outstanding assistant to me lately.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “But more than that, I really appreciate how you’ve handled this whole situation between Samantha and myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and since it is the start of a new year soon, it is long over due for me to forgive you for everything that’s happened between us…and for me to genuinely mean it this time. Especially for you shooting me in the back at my wedding to Samantha.”

Lucas (nodding): “I appreciate that. I was only looking out for Sami, and I’m glad that you’re finally starting to warm up to me.”

Evil EJ (smiling): “You’re a good man, Lucas. Friends?”

Lucas looks at Evil EJ’s outstretched right hand.

Lucas (taking it): “Friends.”

A shot is heard as the two men shake hands, and, feeling a sharp pain in his chest, Lucas stares at Evil EJ in horror. Having fired at Lucas with his gun in his left hand, Evil EJ takes a step back and smirks.

Evil EJ (absolute zero): “Good. Because friends are all about returning favors.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OevVKRyGZu4

Lucas (falling to the ground): “You DiMera bas-”

Evil EJ (interrupting him): “What a beautiful day to bury the past, eh, sunshine?”

Thoroughly pleased, Evil EJ enjoys every moment of Lucas’ death spasms, slowly reholstering his weapon as he watches Lucas die bleeding on the frozen ground before him. He admires his work for several moments afterwards before Sami opens the door behind him.

Sami (looking at the corpse): “Now we’ll never have to worry about him bothering us again. Nicely done.”

Evil EJ (sighing happily): “You always know just what to say, darling.”

Ejami turns around and moves to gather their children. Sami picks up Johnny while Evil EJ holds Ali, and all four of them leave the cabin.

Sami (asking as they walk): “So it’s back to the mansion?”

Evil EJ (slyly): “Maybe…or I could give you your Christmas present.”

Sami (lighting up as she guesses): “You didn’t.”

Evil EJ (proudly): “I most certainly did.”

Sami (excited): “Oh, we have to go to the refuribished abandoned house then. But don’t you have to work today, EJ?”

Evil EJ grins at his beloved.

Evil EJ (warmly): “Of course not, my dear. It’s Christmas. Why else have minions? They have to work, not me.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2bLNkCqpuY

Around and around and back home again
To a place where we know we are loved

Evil EJ (beaming at Sami): “Unlike that insane idiot on that pretentious program, I don’t need a slideshow to remind me to appreciate you and our children, darling.”

Carpe (narrating): “And it was always said of Evil EJ that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, God bless us, everyone!”

Ejami (jointly): “Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, Ejami fans!”

Evil EJ (warmly): “Enjoy the festivities, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Carpe (stating the obvious): “Naughty and not nice then.”

Sami (smiling at Evil EJ): “Of course.”

Evil EJ (grinning back): “You wouldn’t have it any other way, sweetheart.”

You're My Best Friend

2009-01-01T19:07:00.002-07:00

Having taken his best shot, Evil EJ takes off his combat gear, puts away his extra equipment, and sits down on his bed, patiently waiting for the next ghost.

Carpe (knowingly): “Ready?”

Evil EJ (in on it): “How could I not be?”

Happy Voice (excited): “Merry Christmas, Evil EJ!”

Surprised, Evil EJ turns his head to see a figure appear behind him. Laughing, Evil Crazy EJ walks around the bed and sits down next to Evil EJ while holding his Samantha doll.

Evil EJ (warmly): “Heh. Merry Christmas to you two as well.”

Evil Crazy EJ grins back at Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (sagely): “We surprised you!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Yes, you did. I wasn’t expecting you to show up on the opposite side of the bed, particularly when the script specified that you would show up in front of me.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding to his doll): “Darling, you were right-this was much more dramatic.”

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “We are the Ghosts of Christmas Presents!”

Evil EJ (correcting): “Present. Ghosts of Christmas Present.”

Evil Crazy EJ (disagreeing): “No, Christmas presents.”

Evil EJ (kindly): “We have discussed this before, Evil Crazy EJ. You and your wife are pretending to be the spirits of this moment, right now, which is the present time period.”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying to be nice): “Samantha thinks that is all well and good, Evil EJ, but we are giving you presents so we are the Ghosts of Christmas Presents.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, sweetheart, The Oho Man gave Scrooge lots of presents!”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Those were part of the feast for the celebration of Christmas, not his presents.”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at his Samantha and nods before speaking again.

Evil Crazy EJ (apologetically): “Samantha and I have discussed this issue at length, and we are both very sorry that we have to tell you this, Evil EJ, but you are wrong. We have watched the Muppet Christmas Carol movie more times than you have so we know what we are talking about.”

Evil EJ (letting it go): “Fine. On a more agreeable note, may I say Samantha looks absolutely stunning?”

Dressed in a matching suit, Evil Crazy EJ beams at his Samantha outfitted in a lovely silver Christmas formal evening gown.

Evil Crazy EJ (proudly): “Yes, you may! Samantha did not want to wear what The Oho Man does in the movie. She says there is no reason to wear an advent wreath on your head unless it is Saint Lucia’s Day, and she does not want to wear an icky bathrobe from K-Mart like him and you do either.”

Evil EJ (slightly annoyed): “I’ll have both of you know that not only is that robe surprisingly comfortable, I saved over thirty dollars on it.”

Evil Crazy EJ (ignoring him): “Now is time for presents!”

A small pile of presents appears on the bed next to Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (going with it): “I must admit, this paper is exquisite.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “Samantha is an expert gift wrapper.”

Evil EJ (opening his first present): “An online subscription to The Wall Street Journal. Thank you.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleased): “You’re welcome!”

Evil EJ (thinking): “Considering that I normally read the print version, this wouldn’t be a subtle reminder about that Barbie computer game Samantha wants for Christmas, would it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (insulted): “Samantha would do no such thing, Evil EJ!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (stroking her hair): “Yes, you know better than to hint-it is number one on your Christmas list for Santa!”

Evil Crazy EJ gestures to two handbound volumes that have appeared next to him on the bed.

Evil EJ (eyeing the number of pages): “Hmmm, Santa has quite the reading material ahead of him. Would you mind telling me what you want the most from him this year?”

Evil Crazy EJ (sighing happily): “Elmo’s Farm starring popular Sesame Street characters Elmo, Cookie Monster, and Ernie! Perfect for pretending to drive the tractor and play with the happy farm animals! Samantha wants to have a farm petting zoo!”

Evil EJ (making a mental note): “That sounds very peaceful.”

Evil EJ (now opening his second present): “How wonderful. You can never have too many firearms.”

Evil Crazy EJ (happy): “Yes, we know you like guns!”

Evil EJ lifts the handgun in his right hand and looks at it carefully.

Evil EJ (hiding a smirk): “And this one is a beauty…expert craftsmanship…you know, I would swear it is almost exactly like the P47 Klobb that I keep hidden underneath the first aid kit in the east wing laundry room.”

Evil Crazy EJ looks at his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (lying): “You must be mistaken, Evil EJ. We bought this for you.”

Evil EJ (pretending to believe him): “You did? Where?”

Evil Crazy EJ (trying to throw him off): “Samantha thinks that is a very a silly question, Evil EJ. Of course we went to a gun store.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Which one?”

Unsure of what to say next, Evil Crazy EJ consults his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (making their best guess): “Target.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Oh, well then. Clearly I am in error. I shall have to find that section of the store the next time we’re there.”

Evil Crazy EJ (relieved): “Yes, you should!”

Evil EJ puts the gun down on the side of the bed.

Evil EJ (opening his last gift): “Ah, a homemade coupon book with three coupons. The first one says that it is redeemable for some famous artwork.”

Evil Crazy EJ (handing Evil EJ a piece of construction paper): “And we happen to have it right here!”

Genuinely moved, Evil EJ stares down at the drawing for several moments and then smiles at Evil Crazy EJ.

Evil EJ (sincerely): “Thank you. This means a lot to me.”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling at his wife): “We knew you would like it, Evil EJ!”

Evil EJ (reading his second coupon): “This coupon says it is good for one hour of psychic television.”

Evil EJ (puzzled): “May I inquire as to how this is different from when the three of us usually watch The Mentalist?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86_u1ZkRrbU

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “We will make you snacks and bring you a tasty beverage to enjoy. And Samantha promises to not talk about how Patrick is a golden angel during the reveal of the murderer causing Evil EJ to miss the end of the show.”

Evil EJ (casually): “Well, I would prefer her theories about his magical hair to be kept to the time I am fast forwarding the commercials.”

Evil EJ (reading his last coupon): “This coupon says I have to pass a test.”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Yes, this is the message part of the story! Can you help the less fortunate?”

Evil EJ (squinting): “I see that fine print on this stipulates something about a shopping spree?”

Evil Crazy EJ (answering): “Yes, you get to take us to Target and buy Samantha as many new outfits as she wants!”

Evil EJ looks at Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll.

Evil EJ (dryly): “How generous of me.”

Suddenly Evil Crazy EJ leans over so he and his Samantha can hug Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (ecstatic): “Yes, we thought so! We knew you could do it! Samantha and I believed in you! You are a very smart person, Evil EJ!”

Amused at their reasoning, Evil EJ hugs them back for several moments before he pulls away.

Evil Crazy EJ (getting up): “Samantha and I are very happy you enjoyed your presents, Evil EJ! Now it’s time for the food!”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha move towards the dining room, and Evil EJ moves to follow them.

Carpe (narrating): “The room had undergone a surprising transformation. The walls and ceiling were so hung with living green, that it looked a perfect grove; from every part of which bright gleaming berries glistened. The crisp leaves of holly, mistletoe, and ivy reflected back the light, as if so many little mirrors had been scattered there; and such a mighty blaze went roaring up the chimney as that dull petrifaction of a hearth had never known in Evil EJ’s time.”

Evil EJ eyes all the candy, cookies, baked goods, chips, and junk food arrayed on the table.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Samantha and I used our Ghosts of Christmas Presents powers to make all this food!”

Evil EJ (considering the spread): “None of this is even remotely healthy, is it?”

Evil Crazy EJ (appalled): “Oh, no, Evil EJ. We made sure this was all food you would actually want to eat.”

Evil EJ (not touching any of it): “I see.”

Evil Crazy EJ glances down at his Samantha and grins.

Evil Crazy EJ (announcing): “Yes, Samantha! It is Christmas morning! Now we get to go outside and sing with the idiotic townspeople!”

With amazing quickness, Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha bolt outside, and Evil EJ is forced to sprint in order to keep up.

Carpe (narrating): “In the city streets on Christmas morning, the people made a rough, but brisk and not unpleasant kind of music.”

Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha smile broadly as they sing, and Evil EJ is unable to suppress one of his own as they lead him down the street.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfK_K0_YxCM

It’s all the ways that we show love
That feel like Christmas

A part of childhood we’ll always remember
It is the summer of the soul in December
Yes, when you do your best for love
It feels like Christmas

It is the season of the heart
A special time of caring
The ways of love made clear

It is the season of the spirit
The message if we hear it
Is make it last all year

Carpe (narrating): “And perhaps it was the pleasure the good Spirits had in showing off this power of theirs, or else it was their own kind, generous, hearty nature, that led Evil EJ straight to the Horton cabin.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “I pity the town’s cartographer.”

Carpe (irritated): “Do you want to waste time or do you want to get this over with?”

Evil Crazy EJ, his Samantha, and Evil EJ stop in front of the Horton cabin’s front window and peer inside where Lucas and Sami are standing in the middle of the living room. Lucas is holding a ceramic mug.

Lucas (too loudly): “This is the worst hot chocolate ever.”

Sami (hissing): “Lucas, be quiet! You’ll wake Johnny and Ali.”

Tiny Will (entering the room): “What has mom done now?”

Lucas (shaking his head): “Only waste all the milk on something that takes like burnt toast.”

Sami (making a face): “You see? This is why we’re not together anymore. It’s not that bad.”

Tiny Will (rolling his eyes): “Yeah, right. Come on, mom-you always screw up.”

Lucas (agreeing): “Admit it, Sami. You do always manage to make a mess of things.”

Sami (irritated): “You don’t like it, make your own!”

Sami moves over towards the door as Evil EJ stiffens and pulls away from the window.

Evil EJ (seething): “How touching.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing Evil EJ’s inflection): “No, Evil EJ! The neighbor lady needs your help! She does not want to be with Lucas and stupid Will-she is not happy. She wants to be with you and play with your kids and wait for your new baby!”

Evil EJ (moving over to lean on the door): “All true, but I believe this is the part of the story where through Tiny Tim’s health problems and the Cratchit’s poor financial situation, Scrooge is shown the error of his ways along with the true meaning of Christmas.”

Hearing this, Evil Crazy EJ frowns and consults his Samantha. After several moments, he looks up.

Evil Crazy EJ (shaking his head): “Samantha does not think that is right, Evil EJ. She thinks you are supposed to kill Lucas.”

Evil EJ (eyes lighting up): “Your wife is a very wise woman. I certainly wouldn’t want to disappoint her.”

Evil Crazy EJ (vindicated): “Samantha knew you wouldn’t!”

Evil EJ straightens his scarf and knocks on the cabin door as Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha run off.

Evil Crazy EJ (carefully carrying his wife): “Ehehehe…yes, Samantha, this is the part where we go hide!”

Sami’s eyes widen as she opens the door for Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (taking her hand): “Hello, darling. How are you? How’s the baby?”

Sami (glad that he’s there): “We’re both fine. Annoyed, but fine.”

Evil EJ (moving closer to her): “Good.”

Ejami kisses for several minutes.

Sami (opening her eyes): “EJ?”

Evil EJ (stroking her hair): “Yes, Samantha?”

Sami (giggling slightly): “We can’t do this here.”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Then let’s go inside.”

Sami (giggling slightly): “No, I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to, but we do have the plot to consider.”

Evil EJ (frowning): “Do we?”

Sami (also not pleased): “Yes, we do. I mean, if you want this to be over faster so we can be together.”

Lucas (poking at the fire): “Fine. Go ahead, make out with him. It’s not like you didn’t do that all throughout our marriage.”

Evil EJ (looking over at Lucas): “Has that waste of flesh been like this the entire time?”

Sami (sighing): “Yes, unfortunately. I think he’s worried about his idiot Chloe.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I can’t imagine why.”

Evil EJ stares at Sami for several moments before reluctantly moving away.

Evil EJ (leaning in one more time to kiss Sami on the cheek): “But you’re right. I’ll be back later, sweetheart.”

Sami (dismayed as she closes the door): “You’re not going to hurt Lucas first?”

Evil EJ (winking): “Patience.”

With great effort, Evil EJ moves away from the Horton cabin and crosses his arms as he stands in the street.

Evil EJ (impatiently): “Well?"

Only silence greets him.

Evil EJ (looking upward): “I am currently not with my beloved Samantha in order for this infuriating story to move forward. Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha should be here to take me back to the DiMansion.”

Carpe (not wanting to admit it): “They’re not cooperating.”

Evil EJ (sneering): “What do you mean they’re not cooperating? You’re the omnipotent author, you incompetent hack.”

Carpe (defensively): “You’re only one they always listen to, and they say they’d rather not have to stop playing Disney Princess: Enchanted Journey on the computer just to show up for two lines.”

Evil EJ (thoughtfully): “They do love that program. Evil Crazy EJ has spent hours designing new outfits with his Samantha.”

Carpe (scrambling): “We’re almost done, so I’ll just have the last ghost meet you here for the next part. Hang on.”

Evil EJ (under his breath): “One more chapter.”

Spin The Wheel of Death

2009-01-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

Evil EJ spins his wheel of torture.

Gray EJ (watching): "I'm pulling for amputation. If anyone deserves it, it's Nicole."

Evil Crazy EJ (excitedly): "Samantha wants to suffocate her underneath a mountain of stuffed animals!"

Evil EJ (patiently): "Let's see what chance has in mind, eh?"

The wheel stops turning, and Evil EJ lights up at its selection.

Evil EJ (pleasantly): "Finally, an excuse to go shopping."

Gray EJ (watching): "Full body immolation?! That's your first choice-you rigged this!"

Evil EJ smirks.

Evil EJ (darkly): "Of course I did. A man makes his own fate."

Paging Chuck Bass

2009-01-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it'd be more fitting if it were black, but at least it's not from K-Mart like his last robe.

Ali Sweeney on Hulu!

2009-01-01T18:34:00.002-07:00

It's the Days insider talking to Ali Sweeney. Oh, and Galen Gering.

Long Live The Dark Side

2008-12-16T22:56:00.003-07:00

So we made the Soap Opera Digest's Insider email mailing again:

The original:

that I designed for our pro-Evil Ejami postcard campaign.

The blurb that goes along with it is "Naughty fans mailed in 'be evil with me' cards for Sami and EJ. That entertains me." Seriously? "Naughty" fans? Try smart ones. Don't patronize me, SOD. It's 2008. People are ready to love evil couples. Just ask Chuck and Blair on Gossip Girl.

Anyway, as usual, I didn't do any actual work, and all the thanks should go to UHcougar for ordering them and everyone who sent them in.

Ejami Christmas Solidarity Banner

2008-12-16T22:48:00.002-07:00

Miss Ejami this Christmas season? Feel free to use my banner wherever you'd like.

Ejamiland Snubbed

2008-12-15T01:21:00.003-07:00

The internet's 11 worst blogs revealed.

Next year, kiddies. Next year.

What I'd Like For Christmas

2008-12-15T01:12:00.001-07:00

A mysterious stranger kidnaps Sami from the safehouse, and when she's forced into his car, she sees Johnny and Ali in the backseat. She then turns to the man besides her in the driver's seat and calls out his name as he removes his ski mask. EJ grins at her indignation as he starts the vehicle and winks as he says, "I thought we'd take a family vacation, sweetheart. I hear Florida is quite nice this time of year."

Product Placement I Can Support

2008-12-15T01:07:00.001-07:00

Ejami is cuddling on their couch in front of their Christmas tree.

Sami: "By the way, EJ, what gun did you use to kill Nicole again?"

EJ takes his gun out of his holster.

EJ: "Well, Samantha, this is the new Klobb P47 with 0.9mm armor piercing rounds. Perfect for when you want your target to not only be eliminated but to die slowly on their way out."

History Is Written By The Victors

2008-12-15T00:59:00.002-07:00

Having stymied his author, Evil EJ waits for her to continue.

Carpe (improvising): “Suddenly not tired, Evil EJ stood in place as he listened for the hour.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbERptUOXfk

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “Now that’s just sad.”

Carpe (defensive): “I needed a transition.”

Carpe (continuing): “Evil EJ stood in this state until the chime had gone three quarters more when he remembered on a sudden that the ghost had warned him of a visitation when the bell tolled one.”

Evil EJ (triumphantly): “The hour itself, and nothing else!”

A being shimmers into place before Evil EJ.

Carpe (narrating): “It was a strange figure. For, as its belt sparkled and glittered, now in one part and now in another, and what was light one instant at another time was dark, so the figure itself fluctuated in its distinctness. And, in the very wonder of this, it would be itself again; distinct and clear as ever.”

Evil EJ (questioning): “Are you the spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?”

Hero EJ (answering): “I am!”

Carpe (adding detail): “The voice was soft and gentle.”

Evil EJ (another question): “Who and what are you?”

Hero EJ (pompously): “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.”

At this declaration, Evil EJ walks over to Hero EJ and puts his arm around his shoulders.

Evil EJ (seriously): “I must say, Hero EJ, I’m very proud of you. Gender reassignment surgery is such a courageous choice, and-”

Infuriated at the insinuation, Hero EJ grabs Evil EJ’s arm, twists him upside down, and flings him across the room. Evil EJ hits the opposing wall with a loud thud and rests on the floor for a moment as he winces in pain.

Evil EJ (not happy): “What happened to home field advantage?”

Carpe (informatively): “Just because the house heavily favors you doesn’t mean you’re going to win every bet.”

Hero EJ (smirking): “Your reclamation has arrived.”

Evil EJ (eyes blazing): “I’ll reclamate someone, all right.”

On guard, Evil EJ pulls himself into a sitting position.

Evil EJ (eyeing Hero EJ as he speaks): “You are here for the long past?”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “No. Your past.”

Hero EJ walks over to Evil EJ and offers his hand.

Hero EJ (smiling): “Shall we, sunshine?”

Evil EJ (not taking it as he gets up): “Indeed.”

Hero EJ uses his Ghost of Christmas Past powers to bring himself and Evil EJ into the past, arriving at a lake at a very familiar summer resort.

Hero EJ (explaining): “These are but shadows of the things that have been. They have no consciousness of us.”

Evil EJ (not trusting him): “Says the man dressed as Legolas’ sexually confused twin brother.”

Both Hero EJ and Evil EJ watch as Stefano tries to push away a younger version of themselves dressed in swim trunks as he clings to his father for dear life.

Toddler EJ (afraid): “No, father.”

Stefano (insistent): “Yes, Elvis.”

Toddler EJ (shaking his head): “No.”

Stefano (not patient): “Elvis, let go of my hand. You know what happens when you defy me.”

Toddler EJ (not obeying): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (showing his reasoning): “This is an important part of your training. The water can hurt you, my son, but you have to embrace your fear in order to conquer it.”

Toddler EJ (up to his neck in water): “No. I don’t want to, father.”

Stefano (firmly): “It doesn’t matter what you want. Now, Elvis, I want you to let go of my hand.”

Toddler EJ (terrified of the waves lapping at him): “No.”

Stefano looks at his son for a moment before forcefully removing his hand from his offspring’s, grabbing him by the back of the neck, and plunging him face first into the water.

Hero EJ (covering his eyes at the sight): “I can’t watch. It’s too painful.”

Evil EJ (more uncomfortable than he’d like): “Subtle is not our lethargic author’s strong suit, eh?”

Hero EJ (refusing to peek through his fingers): “Oh, I really don’t want to remember any of this.”

Evil EJ (clenching his jaw): “I’m betting this is it as she won’t want to give away anything else that she can use in Damaged if she ever gets around to finishing it.”

Carpe (ready to move on): “When, not if, and yes, this isn’t the place for that.”

Exhaling in relief, Hero EJ brings himself and Evil EJ forward in the timeline to a certain apartment hallway.

Flashback Sami (liking what she’s seeing): “And you are?

Flashback EJ (extending his hand): “I’m EJ.”

Flashback Sami (taking it and pulling him close to her): “I’m Sami…and I’m yours.”

Flashback EJ (wrapping his arm around her waist): “You should know I’m a DiMera.”

Flashback Sami (moving her lips towards his): “Even better.”

As Flashback Ejami kisses, Hero EJ looks over at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (grinning): “Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday.”

Hero EJ (flatly): “That’s not what happened.”

Evil EJ (mock confusion): “It’s not?”

The scene shifts as Hero EJ and Evil EJ move forward in time.

Flashback Sami (holding his hand): “This is lovely, EJ. Who knew Paris was so beautiful at Christmas?”

Flashback EJ (smirking): “I might have had some indication the City of Lights had something to offer you this time of year, darling.”

Flashback Sami (corner of her mouth turning up): “I’ll bet.”

Flashback EJ (grinning as he looks at her): “I’m always thinking of you.”

Flashback Sami (smiling back): “You are, aren’t you?”

Still holding her hand, Flashback EJ takes a step back and gets down on one knee as Flashback Sami watches in surprise.

Flashback EJ (sincerely): “Yes, sweetheart. Samantha…you’re the only woman in the world who could have made me into the man I am today.”

Flashback EJ deftly slips a ring onto Flashback Sami’s finger.

Flashback EJ (softly as he looks into her eyes): “Will you marry me?”

Flashback Sami stares at Flashback EJ for a moment.

Flashback Sami (grabbing onto him): “YES!!!”

Flashback EJ (holding her tight as he closes his eyes): “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

Hero EJ rolls his eyes at Evil EJ as Flashback Ejami hugs.

Evil EJ (pretending to dab his eyes with his handkerchief): “It’s just…so beautiful.”

Hero EJ (annoyed): “That didn’t happen either!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Oh, come now, do you really want to relive our actual history on this show? The illustriously idiotic events we’ve been a party to? The ‘rape?’ The cabin or freezer incidents? All the other insulting plotting? This is what should have happened, and you know it.”

Hero EJ (admitting): “Well, you have me there. But even with all that, everything was wonderful was until you decided to dump Sami for Nicole.”

Evil EJ (crossing his arms): “I did nothing of the sort. That walking corpse did.”

Hero EJ (hurt): “I told you these were shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me!”

Evil EJ (ice cold): “I don’t. I hold the writers responsible.”

Hero EJ and Evil EJ come upon Zombie Dallas EJ and Nicole in sitting on a bench in Salem Park after a recent snowfall. Nicole is tugging on Zombie Dallas EJ’s coat sleeve while he is trying to speak to her.

Zombie Dallas EJ (seriously): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “You always tell me how smart I am, EJ. I know, I’m so great! That’s why I get all the screentime on the show. Everyone loves me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (trying again): “Brain.”

Nicole (talking): “Yes, I know, baby cakes, I’m so intelligent. That’s one of the many things people adore about me!”

Zombie Dallas EJ (making pouty face): “Brain?”

Nicole (talking): “The ratings and demographics are just wrong! Fortunately TPTB know how fantastic I am and write for me all the time. People need to have me on five days a week and in every single storyline always!”

Aghast at the sickening display, Evil EJ rolls his eyes while Hero EJ shifts uncomfortably.

Zombie Dallas EJ (trouble holding back): “Brain!”

Nicole (still talking): “Yes, yes, I’m such a good girl! There’s never been such a breathtaking woman like me on the show, especially not Sa-”

Nicole’s words are cut short as blood abruptly appears in the middle of her forehead, and her body falls backward onto the bench. Surprised, Hero EJ turns to his side to see Evil EJ lower his right arm, his hand holding his gun complete with silencer that has just been used to permanently quiet Nicole.

Hero EJ (looking upward as he raises his hands in the air): “Oh, COME ON!”

There is a faint sound akin to muffled snickering.

Evil EJ (mock apologetically to Hero EJ): “I’m sorry-did you want to kill her?”

Seeing Nicole’s skull cracked open and its contents spread all over the bench and the snow drift behind it, Zombie Dallas EJ looks hopefully at Evil EJ.

Zombie Dallas EJ (excitedly): “Brain?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Certainly. It’s not as if she was using it. But you get any of that on either of us, the next one will be for you.”

Zombie Dallas EJ (ecstatic): “BRAIN!!!!”

As Zombie Dallas EJ munches on Nicole’s corpse, Evil EJ confronts Hero EJ.

Evil EJ (insulted): “You chose Nicole for Belle?!”

Hero EJ (stating the obvious): “Who else would it have been? Kate? She couldn’t be Samantha since Scrooge doesn’t end up with Belle.”

Evil EJ (still not satisfied): “Belle is supposed to be Scrooge’s soulmate. How dare you defile our love for our Samantha!”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No more than the show has with all its Ejole pimping. And Belle, well…she’s a spiteful, ungrateful woman. I mean, she dumps Scrooge for not buying them a house to live in as a couple when he’s just being fiscally responsible. And all that ‘you used to love me’ passive aggressive baiting of him. It’s pathetic.”

Evil EJ (considering Hero EJ): “Yes, she is quite the insipid twit. I admit I’m surprised we agree on this, elf boy. Perhaps you aren’t so hopeless, after all.”

Evil EJ (looking upward): “And no, that wasn’t an invitation to link to that maudlin ‘When Love Is Gone’ song. There’s a reason Disney left that out of the widescreen DVD release.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I wouldn’t dare. Way too bitter. I have something else in mind.”

http://www.imeem.com/people/p4rKj2/m...es_cant_dance/

And they’re coming through the door
And up through the floor
And it comes to me
That zombies can’t dance

Evil EJ (grinning): “How delightfully inappropriate.”

Hero EJ (considering): “I wonder how factually accurate that song is.”

Evil EJ (interest piqued): “Let’s find out, shall we?”

Zombie Dallas EJ looks up from his meal as Evil EJ gestures with his gun slightly.

Evil EJ (matter of fact): “That wasn’t a request.”

Taking the overt hint, Zombie Dallas EJ moves away from Nicole’s half-eaten body and begins a routine as he’s joined by numerous extras.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Xs9OQHpwDE

And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller

Hero EJ (cringing): “Is that really dancing?”

Evil EJ (pointing): “Bring on the control group!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zeR3NSYcHk

All eyes on me
In the center of the ring
Just like a circus
Get a real tight grip
Everybody don’t trip
Just like a circus

After the flourish of the song, both real EJs are left unimpressed.

Hero EJ (dismayed): “Apparently so.”

Evil EJ (gritting his teeth): “We are not settling for this.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6udDtEuTLlc

Both Evil EJ and Hero EJ smile as Flashback Sami rests in Flashback EJ’s arms at the conclusion of their dancing.

Hero EJ (sighing): “The tango and the abandoned house dancing were lovely.”

Evil EJ (agreeing): “Indeed. We fit together with Samantha perfectly.”

Evil EJ (digging): “You do know that is your worst montage, don’t you? I’m shocked you didn’t break the internet in half with the sped up clips.”

Carpe (irritated): “It’s also my first. And if the show stopped being conceited and started being entertaining again, I’d make some more with the new material.”

Having explored Evil EJ’s past, Hero EJ returns himself and Evil EJ to Evil EJ’s room at the DiMera mansion in the present timeline.

Hero EJ (trying to be nice): “Well, our trip through your past is complete. It was…interesting. And of course you learned absolutely nothing, I suppose.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Are you leaving?”

Hero EJ (nodding as he yawns): “Yes. My time grows short.”

Taking advantage of his companion’s relaxation, Evil EJ suddenly raises his gun and fires at Hero EJ. Completely shocked, Hero EJ activates his Ghost of Christmas Past powers and disappears before the bullet can hit him, leaving the shot to move through empty air before lodging in the wall. Disappointed, Evil EJ stares at the impact point for several seconds and then reluctantly reholsters his weapon.

Evil EJ (frustrated): “Not even in a parody.”

So Close Yet So Far

2008-12-15T00:54:00.001-07:00

Carpe (thinking): “So where were we?”

Evil EJ (snidely): “If that doesn’t inspire confidence in the narrative, I don’t know what will.”

Carpe (ignoring him): “At length the end of the day arrived. With an ill-will Evil EJ left his business and took his melancholy dinner in his usual melancholy tavern, the Brady Pub. Having read the good parts of the newspapers including USA Today’s hilariously unintentionally poor Friday movie reviews, he went home. He lived in chambers that were a gloomy suite of rooms, old enough now and dreary enough. Just as Evil EJ was about to open the mansion’s front door, he saw it.”

Carpe (continuing): “Marley's face. It was not in impenetrable shadow, but had a dismal light about it. It was not angry or ferocious. The hair was curiously stirred, as if by breath of hot air; and, though the eyes were wide open, they were perfectly motionless. That, and its livid color, made it horrible; but its horror seemed to be in spite of the face, and beyond its control, rather than a part of its own expression.”

Evil EJ (unafraid): “That’s it?”

Carpe (continuing): “As Evil EJ looked fixedly at this phenomenon, it was a knocker again. In Evil EJ went, not caring a button for that. Darkness is cheap, and Evil EJ liked it. But before he went up to his room, he walked through the rooms closest to him. Bathroom, bedroom, sitting room. All as they should be. Quite satisfied, he went upstairs, entered his room, closed his door, and sat down before the fireplace when he suddenly heard a low moaning sound.”

Evil EJ (getting up again): “Humbug!”

The moaning is now accompanied by faint chiming.

Evil EJ (walking across the room): “It's humbug still. I won't believe it.”

Evil EJ listens as both the moaning and chiming increase in volume.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX-KjkdDozQ

For whom the bell tolls
Time marches on
For whom the bell tolls

Evil EJ (deadpan): “Ah, yes, the obligatory Metallica reference. Perhaps you would like to waste several moments gushing over their four Grammy nominations, eh?”

Carpe (defensive): “Would you rather listen to ‘Carol of the Bells’?”

Evil EJ (firmly): “If you’re wasting time plugging your musical obsession, then I’m done playing around.”

The decision made, Evil EJ opens one of his numerous weapon lockers and suits up for supernatural combat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BVEHYYUHEwo

Ready for anything, Evil EJ leaves his room. Searching for the source of the noise, he sweeps the interior of the mansion and takes out several minor apparitions with his combat shotgun before running into a familiar figure.

Evil EJ (surprised): “Father.”

Stefano (seeing what the noise was): “Elvis, what in the devil’s name are you doing up at this hour wandering the halls like some sort of crazed ninja?”

Evil EJ (sheepishly): “I’m…I’m hunting a ghost, father.”

Stefano looks at his son.

Stefano (raising an eyebrow): “Sawed off shotgun loaded with rock salt?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Handgun with anti-electromagnetic rounds?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Backup dagger with iron hilt?”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, father.”

Stefano (listing): “Lighter and matches?

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Waterproof and regular.”

Stefano (continuing): “Ectoplasm resistant clothing and crucifix?”

Evil EJ pulls down the collar of his black fleece zip-up to show the cross around his neck.

Stefano (so far so good): “Copy of ‘Exorcisms and Certain Supplications?’”

Evil EJ (proudly): “English and Latin editions. Both memorized.”

Stefano (last item): “‘Encyclopedia of Spirits’ in the original translation?”

Evil EJ thinks for a moment.

Evil EJ (angry at himself): “Dammit, I knew I forgot something.”

Stefano (disappointed): “Elvis, what did I train you for if you cannot even remember the simplest of preparations when confronting otherworldly phenomena?”

Stefano moves over to a nearby bookcase, presses a button, and retrieves a copy of the reference from a stack of books tucked away behind a hidden panel.

Evil EJ (bowing after he accepts the book): “Sumimasen, otousan.”

Stefano (going back to bed): “Konbanwa, Elvis-chan.”

Evil EJ watches his father leave and then resumes his hunt for the source of the moaning and chiming. After several more minutes of searching, he sees a shadowy figure as he rounds a corner. Body tensed, Evil EJ hides behind the edge of the wall and readies his shot as the being moves towards him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4zoXO7UvC0

I shot the sheriff
But I swear it was in self-defense
If I am guilty
I will pay

Stupid Voice (bad Jamaican accent): “Don’t be hating, mon!”

Dumfounded, Evil EJ lowers his shotgun as he looks at Good EJ walk up to him wearing fake dreadlocks and a white ‘Visit Jamaica’ t-shirt.

Good EJ (even worse): “Take it easy!”

Evil EJ stares at Good EJ in shock as he holsters his shotgun on his back.

Evil EJ (flabbergasted): “Good EJ, just who exactly do you think you are pretending to be?”

Good EJ smiles at Evil EJ.

Good EJ (plainly as he drops character): “Bob Marley. Your late business partner.”

Aghast at his shiny counterpart’s idiocy, Evil EJ sighs audibly. He then takes off his combat backpack and rummages in it for a copy of the script. Moving over to Good EJ, Evil EJ flips to the second chapter and shows Good EJ the error of his ways.

Evil EJ (pointing): “Jacob Marley. Not Bob Marley, Rainbow Brite.”

Good EJ (taking off his wig): “Ohhhhhh. My mistake.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “You thought nothing of a Rastafarian in the 1840s?”

Good EJ (honestly): “Why not? We live in a very diverse society.”

Evil EJ (irritated): “Heaven forbid you actually read the script and not just glance at it during the commercial breaks of 'Ellen.'”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C64ZYuR7PuQ

Good EJ smiles apologetically, and Evil EJ’s eyes widen as he realizes as his wisecrack was correct.

Good EJ (backing up slowly): “But Dennis Quaid was on, and it was really funny. You see, there was a hidden camera, and he went into Starbucks and he was really obnoxiousness saying ‘I am Dennis Quaid-I was nominated for a Golden Globe’ and-”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFBHPbEtfqA

His patience run out, Evil EJ abruptly pistol whips Good EJ and then reholsters his weapon as he chokes his lighter doppelganger.

Good EJ (unable to break Evil EJ’s hold): “I’m sorry, Evil EJ! I’m sorry! Please stop hurting me!”

Evil EJ (darkly): “I haven’t begun hurting you, you pathetic waste of flesh.”

Carpe (breaking in): “Ah, yes, the beloved part of the classic story where Ebenezer Scrooge strangles the ghost of his old business partner-OH WAIT.”

At the interruption, Evil EJ stops choking Good EJ.

Carpe (reluctant): “As much as this personally amuses me, you’re avoiding the plot.”

Evil EJ (challenging): “You can’t actually expect Sugar Bumps here to genuinely frighten me.”

Carpe (agreeing): “I’ll settle for mild indifference. Now get back on track.”

Reluctantly stepping away from Good EJ, Evil EJ crosses his arms and begins.

Evil EJ (seething): “How now? What do you want with me?”

Taking Evil EJ’s copy of the script off the floor, Good EJ frantically flips through it attempting to find his lines.

Evil EJ (taking the opportunity to skip ahead): “Dreadful apparition, why do you trouble me?”

Good EJ (reading directly from the script): “It is required of every man that the spirit within him should walk abroad among his fellow men, and, if that spirit goes not forth in life, it is condemned to do so after death. It is doomed to wander through the world-oh, woe is me!-and witness what it cannot share, but might have shared on earth and turned to happiness!”

Carpe (seriously): “The spectre raised a cry and shook its chain and wrung its shadowy hands.”

Lacking the proper prop, Good EJ just shrugs.

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “You are fettered. Tell me why?”

Good EJ (apologetically): “I wear the chain I forged in life…well, um, metaphorically, I guess.”

Evil EJ (flatly): “Indeed. Jacob! Old Jacob Marley, tell me more! Speak comfort to me, Jacob!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsiKOJOXMJU

Good EJ smiles reassuringly at Evil EJ and moves towards him.

Good EJ (reaching over to hug Evil EJ): “It’s okay, Evil EJ. We’re just pretending. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Evil EJ (sneering as he pushes Good EJ away): “I’m not actually afraid, you indolent imbecile!”

Good EJ (feelings hurt): “Oh. Um, I cannot rest, I cannot stay, I cannot linger anywhere as weary journeys lie before me!”

Carpe (seriously): “The ghost set up another cry, and clanked its chain so hideously in the dead silence of the night, that the ward would have been justified in indicting it for a nuisance.”

Good EJ (not really putting enough emotion into it): “Oh, captive, bound, and double-ironed! Not to know that no space of regret can make amends for one life's opportunities misused! Yet such was I! Oh, such was I!”

Evil EJ (sarcastically): “But you were always a good man of business, Jacob. And annoyingly so.”

Good EJ (still not enough): “Business! Mankind was my business! Hear me! My time is nearly gone.”

Evil EJ (with contempt): “Thank goodness.”

Good EJ (reading): “How it is that I appear before you in a shape that you can see, I may not tell. I have sat invisible beside you many and many a day.”

Evil EJ (with contempt): “Pervert.”

Good EJ (too quickly): “That is no light part of my penance. I am here tonight to warn you that you have yet a chance and hope of escaping my fate. A chance and hope of my procuring. You will be haunted by three spirits. Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the path I tread. Expect the first later tonight when the bell tolls one.”

Evil EJ (encouragingly): “How about I take them all at once and get this over with?”

Carpe (flatly): “No one’s getting out of this early.”

Good EJ (lacking flourish): “"Look to see me no more, and look that, for your own sake, you remember what has passed between us!”

Attempting a dramatic exit, Good EJ runs off. At the surprised shout a few moments later, Evil EJ closes his eyes and sighs as Good EJ trips down the stairs.

Carpe (seriously): “And being, from the emotion he had undergone, or the fatigues of the day, or his glimpse of the Invisible World, or the dull conversation of the ghost, or the lateness of the hour, much in need of repose, Evil EJ went straight to bed without undressing, and fell asleep upon the instant.”

Evil EJ (defiantly standing in place): “No, he didn’t.”

Carpe (giving in): “Fine.”

Thank You for Caring!

2008-12-01T01:06:00.004-07:00

You know, it always amazes me that people actually read this thing. Thank you very much for all your support over on the other side of the blog in the chat box. I appreciate the encouragement.

Anyway, no, I haven't given up. I'm not happy about the enforced Ejami break here, but I am willing to wait it out until March sweeps or whenever the show pulls its head out of its ass. Accordingly, I haven't watched anything on the show lately. So while I've added some new writing, I will have to catch up before I can review anything. I'll try to cobble something together out of the Stefano and EJ scenes if nothing else.

Thanks again!

The Inevitable Fallout

2008-12-01T00:45:00.001-07:00

In one of the DiMansion’s many living rooms, Hero EJ comforts Robo EJ who is completely distraught over the loss of his child.

Robo EJ (heartbroken): “NO, ROBO BABY! NO! OH NO!”

Hero EJ (patting his shoulder): “I’m so sorry, Robo EJ.”

Robo EJ (throwing up his hands): “WHY THIS HAPPEN?!”

Hero EJ (sadly): “I don’t know for certain, but I can only assume the excess liquor ate away at Robo Baby’s developing exoskeleton.”

Robo EJ (disbelieving): “ROBO BABY INNOCENT!”

Hero EJ (trying to soften the blow): “Alas, most didn’t see it that way. Both the writing and the audience saw Robo Baby as the tie between us and Nicole…so that connection had to be severed.”

Robo EJ (lip quivering): “IT ALL ROBO EJ FAULT!”

Hero EJ (firmly): “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s Nicole’s for drinking so much, refusing to see a doctor, and pretending that everything was okay.”

Robo EJ (berating himself): “ROBO EJ CHOOSE POORLY! NICOLE BAD MOMMY!”

Hero EJ (unable to disagree with that point): “Yes, unfortunately, she was. I’m certain that ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ doesn’t recommend to sit down when you’re bleeding and call your ex-boyfriend instead of 911.”

Sinister Voice (savoring it): “Indeed. What proof would you say her amniotic fluid was? 80? No, probably more like 120.”

Hero EJ and Robo EJ look to see Evil EJ stride slowly into the room.

Hero EJ (accusing): “You knew. That’s why you didn’t do anything to Robo EJ after Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha brought him to you. You knew the show would punish him for you. You knew this would happen.”

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “I’m sure that the Mars landers knew this was going to happen. Can’t have an Ejole baby with Ejami rooting couple now, can we?”

Hero EJ (disgusted): “And like the snake you are, you’re here to pour salt on the wound.”

Evil EJ smirks at Hero EJ.

Evil EJ (challenging): “Now, now. Such a small mind. Having been invigorated from a lovely tryst with my fair Samantha just now, I’m thinking more like lighter fluid.”

Hero EJ (getting up): “Not this time. I’m not going to let you.”

Evil EJ (amused): “As if I need your permission.”

Not in the mood for Evil EJ’s lack of decorum, Hero EJ grabs Evil EJ and slams him against the nearest wall. He then considers Evil EJ carefully when his opponent makes no move to retaliate.

Evil EJ (calmly): “Careful, avatar. Don’t want to break your manicure.”

Evil EJ (to Robo EJ): “You may be an overgrown toaster, but I was rather impressed with your initiative in going behind both of our backs and altering your programming yourself. Perhaps if you had asked for our assistance and took advantage of our expertise you would have gotten the ending you desired, eh?”

Robo EJ bursts into tears and sobs uncontrollably at the thought that he did not do everything he could to protect his child. Irate, Hero EJ glares at Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (furiously pointing): “That’s it. Your glib attitude is beyond inappropriate at a time like this.”

Evil EJ (continuing): “I had no idea you wanted to be a father so badly.”

Robo EJ (inconsolable): “NOW NEVER WILL!”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Oh, I wouldn’t say that.”

About to smack Evil EJ’s head against the wall, Hero EJ stops for a second as Evil EJ doesn’t flinch and only stares serenely back at him.

Calm Voice (nicely): “Someone would like to meet you, Robo EJ.”

Gray EJ walks into the room holding a newborn baby wearing a metal hat and wrapped in a metallic blanket.

Robo EJ (in shock): “WHA?!!”

Evil EJ (smugly): “Congratulations, Robo EJ. It’s a boy. You’re a father.”

Robo Baby: “BALAH1010101!”

Robo EJ (overjoyed): “ERNIE!!!”

Happy to see his daddy for the first time, Baby Ernie giggles.

Gray EJ (handing him over to Robo EJ): “Careful. The steel is still hardening in places.”

Robo EJ (now crying happy tears): “YOU OKAY! YOU OKAY!!!”

As Robo EJ takes Baby Ernie into his arms, Gray EJ smiles, and Hero EJ unhands Evil EJ and stares at him incredulously.

Hero EJ (jaw dropping): “What in the hell is wrong with you?!!”

Evil EJ (lighting up): “What isn’t?”

Hero EJ (flabbergasted): “You depraved worm! You made Robo EJ a zombie baby?!!”

Evil EJ (genuinely insulted): “I wouldn’t give that walking corpse the time of day much less his own decaying offspring. Robo Baby never died-he was cryogenically frozen the very instant it was possible to do so. What else do I pay my minions for? Young Ernie is one hundred percent the child Nicole was carrying.”

Gray EJ stares at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (admitting as he crosses his arms): “All right, more like 47.6%, but between the incomplete human-cyborg fusion and the alcohol damage we had quite a few gaps to fill.”

Hero EJ (wondering): “How did you manage this without me?”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “Oh, someone thinks he’s important. Gray EJ here more than made up for your insignificant contribution to my work. What he lacks in probability alteration he more than makes up for in moral ambiguity.”

Hero EJ (forcefully): “And between the two of you there was no one there to point out the problem with trying to play God.”

Evil EJ (darkly): “Who’s trying? I don’t try anything. I just do it.”

Gray EJ (stepping between them): “Okay, calm down, you two. There’s a baby in the room. The bottom line is that this story should have never been greenlit in the first place.”

Evil EJ (seriously): “Precisely. Women watch soaps for escapist fantasy, and a miscarriage is a tragedy. It’s an experience that none of them wish to relive, so highlighting one on this show is exceedingly cruel.”

Hero EJ (warily): “All true, but that doesn’t give you the right to do anything to Robo Baby.”

Evil EJ (unconcerned): “Why not? We compensated for the blood loss, removed all the alcohol damage, appropriately SORASed him, and conducted beta testing with Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha playing with him in a supervised environment. We even removed all of Nicole’s worthless genes and substituted a cyborg-phillic variant of Samantha’s DNA instead, with her freely given consent of course.”

Hero EJ (surprised at Evil EJ’s foresight): “Really?”

Evil EJ (secure in his brilliance): “Ask her yourself when you go back to stand vigil on her and her idiot handler.”

Unsure, Hero EJ looks at Gray EJ for confirmation.

Gray EJ (nodding): “He’s telling the truth. I wouldn’t have agreed to help otherwise.”

Still not convinced, Hero EJ watches Robo EJ hold Baby Ernie.

Evil EJ (silver tongue): “See how happy he is? How can you deny him that over some middling concerns about opening a forbidden path to a brave new world?”

Gray EJ (agreeing from a different perspective): “I understand your concern, Hero EJ, but Robo EJ and Ernie shouldn’t have to pay for TPTB’s mistakes.”

Silent for several moments, Hero EJ’s opposition to the idea melts underneath the warmth from shared smiles between father and son.

Hero EJ (understanding): “You’re right. They didn’t do anything wrong.”

Evil EJ (scoffing): “Of course they didn’t. You and your ethics. Get off your high horse. This show had Jack donate his organs and still come back from the dead three times. What’s saving a cyborg baby from a plot point miscarriage?”

Hero EJ (suddenly considering): “This is probably much too late to bring this up, but wasn’t the Ejole baby a girl?”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look at each other. After a moment, Gray EJ shrugs.

Gray EJ (sheepishly): “Beats me. I tried to ask Zombie Dallas EJ about the baby several times, but all I got was him drooling over Nicole and mumbling about not finding any brains to eat.”

Evil EJ (shaking his head): “Due to his less than optimal fetal environment, we had to manually resequence all of Ernie’s DNA, and what remained was male. Regardless, there is no way I would let a member of our family be named after the maid from The Jetsons.”

Suddenly Good EJ and Evil Crazy EJ enter the room. Good EJ is loaded down with a cake, various beverages, and balloons. Evil Crazy EJ is carrying his Samantha doll and a small plastic bag. Both are dressed in party attire with Evil Crazy EJ in a crisp sky blue button down shirt and khakis and Samantha in a cheery pink ruffled dress.

Hero EJ (wondering): “What’s this?”

Evil Crazy EJ (brightly): “Hello, Hero EJ! It is the Robo EJ is a daddy, and Baby Ernie is alive party! We are very happy that Evil EJ and Gray EJ made everything turn out okay!”

Setting everything down on the nearby coffee table, Good EJ looks at Evil Crazy EJ. Evil Crazy EJ glares at him threateningly and points to his Samantha doll.

Good EJ (rehearsed): “I am very happy that Baby Ernie is okay and has been returned to Robo EJ. Let me go get the rest of the party materials.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing with his wife): “Yes, Good EJ knows to stay on his best behavior now that we have very nicely let him out of his cage for the party, or he will suffer the consequences.”

While Robo EJ quietly continues to bond with Baby Ernie, Evil Crazy EJ opens his plastic bag and removes its contents.

Evil Crazy EJ (handing them out): “Samantha made party hats for everyone! Baby Ernie too!”

Hero EJ (happily putting on his hat): “Wow, these are great! Thank you, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. You outdid yourselves.”

Evil EJ (smiling in spite of himself): “I think so too.”

Evil Crazy EJ (proud of his wife): “I third the opinion!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing her on the cheek): “Yes, you are better than Martha Stewart!”

Unimpressed, Gray EJ refuses to put on his gray party hat and snickers as Evil EJ nonchalantly dons his black one.

Gray EJ (smiling at the sight): “You look ridiculous.”

Evil EJ merely watches as Evil Crazy EJ moves quickly and punches Gray EJ in the face.

Evil Crazy EJ (adamant): “Samantha spent hours on these in order to make them the best party hats in the history of existence, and she thinks Evil EJ looks very nice. And she says Gray EJ will put on his party hat if he would like to keep his spleen because she will not let him ruin Robo EJ and Baby Ernie’s party!”

Gray EJ (hastily putting on his hat): “Oo-o-okay…”

Reeling from the blow, Gray EJ tries to hold his head back. Amused, Evil EJ offers him his handkerchief.

Evil EJ (savoring the moment): “Do I?”

As Hero EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha set out the beverages and decorations, Evil EJ helps himself to a piece of cake and stands where Gray EJ can still see him as he attempts to stop his nosebleed. Evil EJ taunts Gray EJ by eating his cake as slowly as possible, including licking the frosting off his fork.

Evil EJ (devilishly): “Delightful.”

Seething, Gray EJ glares at him.

Evil EJ (discarding his empty plate on the floor and surveying the available drinks): “Quite the assortment of carbonated beverages, eh? Shall we have a toast?”

Hero EJ (concerned): “Shouldn’t we wait for Good EJ to get back?”

Evil Crazy EJ (disagreeing): “There are lots of presents! It will take too long to wait for Pansy EJ to come back with all of them!”

Evil EJ (concurring): “As if we need to include Princess anyway.”

Robo EJ, Hero EJ, and Evil Crazy EJ all take a can off the table. Finally stopping the bleeding, Gray EJ faces forward again and puts the bloody handkerchief into his jean pocket as Evil EJ places a drink into his hand.

Evil EJ (commanding): “Gentlemen.”

Evil EJ raises his own soft drink and the rest of the EJs follow suit.

Evil EJ (gravely): “To gravitas.”

Robo EJ and Evil Crazy EJ repeat the phrase and open their beverages while Hero EJ and Gray EJ openly stare at a grinning Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (blankly): “You didn’t.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “I most certainly did.”

Gray EJ (uncomprehendingly): “But he’s our-”

Evil EJ (interrupting): “He is. I only kid because I love.”

Misinterpreting the edge in his voice, Hero EJ and Gray EJ continue to look at Evil EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (missing the point as he romantically shares his drink with his wife): “Samantha enjoyed the toast very much, Evil EJ, but she would like to know what that means.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Apparently it means equating our sacred relationship with our soulmate with that of an opportunistic tart. Who knew? I really must buy an updated thesaurus one of these days.”

His intuition alerting him, Hero EJ takes a look at the clock at the wall.

Hero EJ (reluctantly taking off his hat): “Well, I’d love to stay, but I really need to get going.”

Robo EJ (looking up from Baby Ernie): “THANK YOU TRY MAKE ROBO EJ FEEL BETTER! ROBO EJ AND ERNIE NOT FORGET HERO EJ KINDNESS!”

Evil Crazy EJ (waving): “Goodbye, Hero EJ! We will save you some cake if Samantha is not very hungry later!”

Gray EJ (clasping Hero EJ’s shoulder): “Have fun, Hero EJ. Try not to get too bored watching Safe and checking in with the minions shadowing Ali.”

Evil EJ (adding): “The instant the plot allows me to move my daughter here, I will. In any case, make sure not to say hello to the Ninja Turtle for us.”

Hero EJ (correcting): “His name is Rafe.”

Evil EJ (ignoring him): “Yes, he favors red bandanas in addition to being a sai master and quite the cutup, I’ve heard.”

Hero EJ regards Evil EJ.

Hero EJ (letting it go): “You know, Evil EJ, you’re still a vile excuse for a human being.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Flattery will get you nowhere, valkyrie.”

Hero EJ (continuing): “But you really do have a heart. A black one akin to a bullet hole, but a heart nonetheless.”

Hero EJ (curious): “What gave you this idea?”

Evil EJ (honestly): “I wisely listened to my better half.”

Hero EJ glances at Robo EJ beaming as he holds his son.

Hero EJ (warmly): “I’m glad you did.”

Hero EJ leaves the room to guard Samantha and her unborn child while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha move over to Robo EJ and Baby Ernie.

Evil Crazy EJ (holding his wife up so she can see): “Samantha wants to say hi to Baby Ernie! She loves babies and wishes there was more of them on the show. She does not know why Steve and Kayla could not have both Baby Joe and Pocketman!”

Turning away from them, Gray EJ shakes his head at Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (sighing): “I can’t believe you joked about that.”

Evil EJ (sanguine): “Yet he can say we have no male anatomy? Cheer up, buttercup. Loyalty does not mean lockstep opinion.”

Evil EJ (sincerely): “Of course I appreciate beyond words everything he’s ever done for us. And I wish him the best of luck with the upcoming astoundingly boring spoilers for the next month on the show. But that doesn’t mean everything he said is correct. Particularly about me not killing people.”

Gray EJ (not sold): “I suppose.”

Evil EJ (certain): “I know. Now go take a piece of cake before Evil Crazy EJ comes over and asks if Samantha can have the frosting.”

Gray EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Speaking of differing opinions, this wasn’t your idea, was it?”

Evil EJ (innocently): “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Gray EJ (thinking): “Once you found out Robo EJ disobeyed you and Hero EJ, you were hellbent on taking a blowtorch to him and melting him into slag. You don’t have a better half-your better half is Samantha. She’s the one who insisted on this.”

Evil EJ (not disagreeing): “Hormones. The oxycotin build up in pregnancy makes one seize on ideas that otherwise would have been dismissed.”

Gray EJ (finishing the puzzle): “And you want me to keep my mouth shut so you have leverage over Hero EJ.”

Evil EJ looks at Gray EJ before one side of his mouth curls into a smirk, and he puts his arm around his frequent companion.

Evil EJ (idly threatening): “You really are too smart for your own good. Fortunately for you, you answer to me.”

Gray EJ (deadpan): “You certainly know how to make me feel wanted.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “What are friends for?”

Because I Can’t Give You a New "EJ is Funny" Montage This Year

2008-12-01T00:39:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zm7EeuWnc-8

Woman’s Voice (disembodied): “Welcome to an Ejami Christmas Carol.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBthi_An5qQ

And the worst of the worst
The most hated and cursed
Is the one that we call Elvis

Sinister Voice (very familiar): “I most certainly hope so.”

Outfitted in all black except for a blindingly white scarf to add a bit of panache, Elvis DiMera, otherwise known as Evil EJ, flairs his cape dramatically as he comes to a stop at a corner after walking down one of Salem’s snowcovered streets.

Carpe (narrating): “Marley was dead, to begin with.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “Ah, yes, Dickens’ annual classic. Because why insult just one property when you can rip off two?”

Carpe (ignoring him): “And thus Evil EJ was the sole proprietor of their once shared enterprise. He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Evil EJ! A squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, young sinner.”

Evil EJ (interrupting): “The reason she started this before December is because it’s going to be at least Valentine’s Day by the time she finishes the damn thing.”

Carpe (still ignoring): “Evil EJ liked the-”

Evil EJ (pressing the point): “Say, how is Damaged coming along?”

Carpe (defensive): “I’ll get to it! I’m busy!”

Evil EJ (mockingly): “‘Do I have him whine about his upbringing or cry this chapter? I just can’t decide.’”

Carpe (too loudly): “Evil EJ liked the cold. Hard and sharp as flint, from which no steel had ever struck out generous fire; secret and self-contained, and solitary as an oyster.”

Evil EJ (correcting): “Except for his Samantha.”

Carpe (agreeing): “But of course. And today, as he did every day, he confidently strode to his place of business.”

Evil EJ (folding his arms across his chest): “Yes, what exactly is it that I do here in pseudo-1843 Salem?”

Carpe (getting annoyed): “Turn around.”

Evil EJ spins around to see his business before him, Ye Olde Mythic Communications.

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Not funny.”

Evil EJ enters the large building and sees all of his employees already hard at work around the open style office.

Evil EJ (smiling): “Good Morning, maggots.”

Seeing that their boss has arrived, his employees hide and cower in fear.

Evil EJ (smiling): “What, no warm welcome? Remind me to torture you for that after the fiscal year ends.”

Lucas Horton, Evil EJ’s administrative assistant, comes over and hands him several files and papers.

Evil EJ (idly): “Yes, lapdog?”

Lucas (pointing out information): “Here’s the current quarter’s projections, the emails you need to respond to, and a new press release from one of our competitors. I’ve also highlighted the most important parts of the memos you need to approve.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “How surprisingly competent of you. Keep this up, and perhaps I might give you the occasional lunch break.”

A man enters the building as Lucas goes back to his desk.

Brady (cheerful): “A merry Christmas, cousin! God save you!”

Evil EJ (smiling): “Don’t remind me. Bah! Humbug!”

Brady (still cheerful): “Christmas a humbug, cousin? You don't mean that, I am sure.”

Evil EJ (snidely): “Quit calling me that, idiot. Merry Christmas? What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You're stupid enough.”

Brady (nicely): “What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You're smart enough.”

Evil EJ (intensely): “Who said I was depressed, you insolent junkie?”

Brady (ignoring the insult): “I’ve come to invite you to Christmas dinner.”

Evil EJ (wondering): “What Christmas dinner?”

Brady (shrugging): “Whatever one TPTB have me at.”

Evil EJ (factual): “You don’t really want me there.”

Brady (ignoring the insult): “Well, no, but since my father won’t be around on the show much longer, I figured I’d cut my losses.”

Evil EJ (considering): “Admirable. But pointless.”

Brady (kindly): “"I want nothing from you. I ask nothing of you. Why cannot we be friends?"

Evil EJ (stating the obvious): “You’re a moronic drug addict.”

Brady (waving as he gives up for now): “Perhaps, but the invitation is still open. So Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!”

Evil EJ (vehemently): “Bah! Humbug!”

As Brady leaves, another figure enters the building.

Robo EJ (mechanical voice): “HELLO. ROBO EJ HAVE PLEASURE OF ADDRESSING EVIL EJ?”

Evil EJ (annoyed): “You do.”

Robo EJ (nicely): “ROBO EJ NEED MONEY SO POOR PEOPLE CAN BUY CHRISTMAS FOOD AND PRESENTS.”

Evil EJ cringes at Robo EJ’s bad acting.

Evil EJ (reciting his line anyway): “Are there no prisons?”

Robo EJ (not following): “WHAT THAT DO WITH CHRISTMAS MONEY?”

Evil EJ (sighing): “And the Union workhouses? Are they still in operation?"

Robo EJ (still not following): “NO, ROBO EJ WANT CHRISTMAS DONATION!”

Evil EJ (closing his eyes for a moment): “The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigor, then?”

Robo EJ (confused): “WHAT IS LAWS? EVIL EJ NOT HEAR ROBO EJ?”

Evil EJ (opening his eyes): “Oh, I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course. I am very glad to hear it.”

Robo EJ (baffled): “OKAY THEN-HOW MUCH CHRISTMAS MONEY EVIL EJ GIVE?”

Evil EJ (savoring the line): “Nothing!”

ROBO EJ (genuinely hurt): “ROBO EJ THINKS THIS NOT TRUE. EVIL EJ NICE PERSON. EVIL EJ BUY EVIL CRAZY EJ TOYS ALL THE TIME.”

Evil EJ (getting angry): “I wish to be left alone, you moronic bucket of bolts. I don't make merry myself at Christmas, and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned-they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there."

ROBO EJ (wondering): “GO WHERE? EVIL CRAZY EJ LIVES WITH EVIL EJ AND ALL EJS.”

Evil EJ (with relish): “If they would rather die, they had better do it and decrease the surplus population.”

Evil EJ takes out his gun and fingers the safety longingly.

Evil EJ (eyes lighting up): “Or I’ll do it myself.”

At the sight of Evil EJ’s firearm, Robo EJ backs away.

Robo EJ (hesitantly): “ROBO EJ THINK EVIL EJ IN BAD MOOD AND WILL COME BACK LATER FOR CHRISTMAS MONEY.”

Robo EJ leaves the building as Evil EJ reholsters his gun and Lucas comes over to him.

Lucas (annoyed): “You’re a real jerk, you know that?”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “What a startling observation, Lucas. Do you have any other wonderful insights you’d like to share with me?”

Lucas (questioning): “No, but I was wondering if I could take tomorrow off.”

Evil EJ (instantly): “Of course not, you pathetic twit.”

Lucas (pleading): “But tomorrow is Christmas Day.”

Evil EJ (tilting his head): “Your point?”

Lucas (pleading): “Well, Chloe’s at her parents’ for the week, and Will flew in from Switzerland, so Sami and I were going to have a traditional Horton Christmas with him and Ali and Johnny.”

Evil EJ glares at Lucas.

Evil EJ (seething): “All the more reason for you to work.”

Lucas (volcanic as he goes back to his desk): “I’ll shoot you again for this, you evil DiMera.”

Evil EJ (challenging): “I’d like to see you try.”

Evil EJ (louder to the rest of his employees): “And that goes for all of you.”

There is an angry shout from the back corner of the main room.

Nick (not taking it anymore): “I’m not putting up with your crap, old man! You either give me Christmas off, or I’ll ice you the way I did Trent and Willow!”

Evil EJ merely looks at Nick.

Evil EJ (easily): “Okay.”

Nick (surprised): “Okay?”

Evil EJ (sweetly): “Yes, you’ve utterly convinced me of the error of my ways with that intimidating threat. You’re free to take the day off. Heck, why don’t you get an early start and leave now?”

Nick (getting up): “Damn right I will.”

Triumphant, Nick gathers his messenger bag and heads towards the door. Once he reaches it, the corner of Evil EJ’s mouth turns up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G6BCP2dfqE

There is a horrific scream as Nick falls down the hidden trap door that is wirelessly activated from Evil EJ’s hidden Blackberry.

Evil EJ (casually): “Anyone else object to working on Christmas? Anyone? Bueller?”

Only silence answers him.

Evil EJ (casually): “Excellent. Now get back to work, or I’ll strangle all of you.”

Content with his handling of his employees, Evil EJ travels to his office, sits down at his desk, lies back in his chair, and opens up his copy of The Wall Street Journal in order to get caught up on the business world before answering his email.

Carpe (narrating): “Evil EJ resumed his labors with an improved opinion of himself, and in a more facetious temper than was usual with him. And the hours of the day passed until the next chapter.”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Or as our indolent author will end up calling it, ‘Christmas in July.’”

Carpe (ticked off): “Keep it up, and you’ll be doing the next part in a chicken suit.”

It's The Fear

2008-12-01T00:36:00.001-07:00

Sitting on the DiMansion sofa, Nicole eyes EJ warily.

Nicole (nervous): "So...um...I hear...I hear...uh..."

EJ (annoyed): "Um, what, darling? Spit it out."

Nicole forces a smile.

Nicole (disbelieving): "Well, I overheard some people talking today, and they said that you raped Sami. That you forced yourself on her...it's not true, is it? I mean, you wouldn't do that, of course you wouldn't...you're a good man..."

EJ looks at Nicole.

EJ (quietly): "Rape is such a loaded word."

The color drains out of Nicole's face as realizes exactly what EJ means, the vision of Victor's rape of her suddenly tearing into her thoughts. Unwilling to be in a position where she could be violated again, Nicole jumps up, tosses away her baby pillow, and runs out of the DiMansion.

It's Funny...Because It's Not

2008-12-01T00:32:00.002-07:00

Evil EJ walks into the DiMera sitting room to see Nicole standing there.

Nicole (wearing the pillow): "Hey, EJ."

Evil EJ stares at her incredulously for a moment before he can't help himself and collapses onto the floor in a fit of laughter. Alarmed, Nicole runs over.

Nicole (helping him up): "EJ, EJ...are you okay?"

Evil EJ (nicely): "Oh, I'm fine..."

With one swift motion Evil EJ lifts Nicole up by the neck with one hand while removing her pillow with the other.

Evil EJ (ice cold): "But our daughter isn't, is she?"

"EJ Is Hot" Is Fixed...Sort Of

2008-12-01T00:18:00.004-07:00

Rob Zombie objected to me using his "Foxy, Foxy" to this montage, so while I was able to get it back up on YouTube, I'm stuck using this song about fishing from this dude who is mumbling the whole damn time. At least the beat is good.

James Scott on Hulu!

2008-12-01T00:10:00.001-07:00

Watch James give us the inside scoop on what's coming up on the show.

Local Salem Commercial Break

2008-10-19T23:20:00.003-06:00

With apologies to Steve Englehart

I’m Evil EJ, and I approve this message.

Hello, ignorant maggots. Are you feeling as patriotic as I am? Yes, it’s only a few weeks until Election Day, but I’ve suddenly heard the call to serve you lesser minds. Accordingly, I’ve decided to throw my proverbial hat into the ring, and unveil to you, the idiotic public, my presidential campaign.

Simple. Elegant. No nuances, lockboxes, or complex platform positions to remember. You either vote for me, or you’ll no longer stay above room temperature. So if you want to keep breathing, I’ll have your complete and absolute support.

But even with that ultimatum, perhaps you’re unsure. Maybe you believe I won’t actually murder you in your sleep because other politicians have failed you in the past. Fear not. As I am a man of my word, I vow to terminate you with extreme prejudice if you do not vote for me through one of the following: strangulation, asphyxiation, shooting, puncture or shearing wounds, fire, liquid nitrogen, electrocution, illegal or legal drugs, biotoxins, wild animals, blunt force trauma, or a random exotic method of my choice such as drowning you in an industrial vat of hot chocolate.

And if you believe that I won’t find out that you didn’t back me as voting is supposedly private, oh, I’ll know. My crack staff of willing election minions on an unlimited payroll will secretly investigate every single ballot and trace them back to the appropriate citizen. Rest assured that if I find out you voted against me, you’ll be below ground before you can remove the election sign of one of my competitors off your front lawn.

Or perhaps you’ve already decided to join the winning team, but you’d like to know what will I do when I’m inducted into office. Ah, what won’t I do? Assassinate Lucas? Mandatory all black suit Fridays? Rename September to Samanther? Upon my coronation, you will be the willing subject of a depraved new world order, one that will eventually transform the entire world into the evil empire that it should be. Furthermore, it makes no difference that I’m younger than thirty-five as that will be one of my first changes to the Constitution along with exercising that whole term limits clause and having free elections every four years. And don’t even think about stopping me through the Supreme Court or the U.N. as my first hundred days will guarantee my benevolent, unending rule with an iron fist.

So forget these other two jokers, and choose evil on Election Day. After all, your continued existence depends on it.

Because it’s not about what I can do for you, but rather what I can do to you, isn’t it, sunshine?

ROBO EJ WEEK IN REVIEW!

2008-10-17T23:05:00.004-06:00

HELLO! ROBO EJ REVIEW THIS WEEK! ROBO EJ IS-

Sorry. Robo EJ apologizes as Robo EJ must be quiet as Robo EJ is currently hiding from Hero EJ and Evil EJ in DiMansion ventilation system. Robo EJ could not be happier about cyborg baby, but Hero EJ and Evil EJ not like situation or Robo EJ’s self-modifications which allowed Robo Baby to be created. Robo EJ does not understand why Hero EJ is “very disappointed in him” and Evil EJ vowed Robo EJ would be “disintegrated to the subatomic level.” Yes, Nicole less than optimal female to make offspring with, but Robo EJ take what Robo EJ can get.

So no need be angry, Robo EJ take good care of Robo Baby all by himself once baby is born. No need Nicole then. And Robo EJ is very excited to be father for son or daughter! If baby is 0111100001111001, name will be Ernie after one of first computers, ENIAC. If baby is 0111100001111000, name will be Rose after robot human relations trailblazer Rosie the Robot.

So, yes, it review time! Monday show!

“I don’t know what to say.” Of course you do not, Zombie Dallas EJ! Is not your baby!

“She’s lying!” While Robo EJ thrilled to be daddy, Robo EJ admit that would have been better pro-Ejami plot. Rewrite from pro-Lumi and Ejole story obvious.

Robo EJ only like Zombie Dallas EJ defend Nicole here because she carry Robo Baby.

Get away, Zombie Dallas EJ! Is not yours!

“What do we do now?” Zombie Dallas EJ is moron led around on leash. Robo EJ know Evil EJ would not ask for guidance from non-Samantha woman.

Tuesday show!

Robo EJ think Zombie Dallas EJ showing off pale dead chest not distract audience from horrible writing.

Robo EJ also think Sami outfit not fool blind person although was clearly designed by one. And calling Zombie Dallas EJ sleaze is insult to Evil EJ.

Shirtless Lucas another sign of wrong decisionmaking. Confronted with choice, show always pick wrong option.

Days, people not care about real election. Care even less about fake one.

Robo EJ says does not compute Kayla would help any EJ after Evil EJ brainwashed husband and ran her off road with minions.

Hello, Robo Baby! Robo EJ is glad you is well! So cute! Cyborg growth insulation netting should protect Robo Baby from adverse events, but Robo EJ will feel much better when baby is born and away from Nicole.

Robo EJ not surprised ratings bad. This not chemistry. Can feel through screen even Zombie Dallas EJ want leave Nicole.

Wednesday show!

Robo EJ beyond caring about Ejole except for Robo Baby. Zombie Dallas EJ unwatchable.

Chloe insult Sami beyond the pale and very insulting to audience who is not all supermodels. Sheer idiocy like this why show not renewed yet.

Robo EJ think show very stupid reminding audience of past when show actually entertaining. Only fuel audience uncontrollable rage.

“I think Lucas is warming up to me.” Robo EJ think Zombie Dallas EJ should not want be liked by man who attempted murder all EJs. Robo EJ also think TPTB complete idiots for thinking audience accept non-enemy Lucas and EJ relationship.

Outfit completely not hiding Sami pregnancy so yes, moron Zombie Dallas EJ does not notice.

Ejami light up around each other!

Robo EJ found dialogue here insulting, especially “a friend” and “sign that you are meant to be” lines. Yet again show does not care about Ejami fanbase.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ge_UdnZuT34

It’s been a long time

This only good moment all week. EJ and Sami want be together, but crap writing make them too stupid to tell each other this. And rewrites yet again obvious. Original plan Ejami end here. Robo EJ wonder how dumb TPTB get out of bed in morning without injury.

Robo EJ think Sami not tell Zombie Dallas EJ about Ejami baby plot totally undermined by scene with Johnny but expect this level of foolishness from Days.

Thursday show!

“Hmm, Ejami still not together, ratings still in toilet.”

Robo EJ believe show digging own grave.

Zombie Dallas EJ take dressing cues from Pansy EJ. Look like salon hairstylist. Evil EJ shoot television like namesake right now.

“Are you insane?” Insane is bag masquerading as dress.

Somehow Robo EJ did not miss this.

Nurse completely unprofessional and should be fired. Many women have babies alone. Again Days insulting audience.

Of course Stefano not care. Have zillions of children with none same mothers.

Yet again scenes demonstrate Days want Lumi and Ejole before badly added Ejami rewrites. Show running out of time. Ejami now or lights out.

Friday sh-

Robo EJ’s mechanical voice falters as a surge of electricity runs through him.

Excited Voice (proud): “Great shot, Samantha!”

As the shock from the tazer rapidly wears off, Robo EJ sees Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll enter the ventilation shaft both dressed in infiltration gear.

Robo EJ (surprised): “Evil Crazy EJ? What you doing?”

Evil Crazy EJ (explaining): “Samantha and I are here to bring you in, Robo EJ. Evil EJ asked for our help in looking for you. He is very not happy.”

Robo EJ (afraid): “No, please! Please! Robo EJ must be around for Robo Baby!”

Evil Crazy EJ (ignoring his pleas): “Samantha says Robo EJ should have thought of that before he asked the stork to bring him robot baby without getting permission from Hero EJ and Evil EJ!”

Robo EJ (confused): “Robo EJ think Evil Crazy EJ mistaken where baby comes from.”

Evil Crazy EJ (missing the point): “I think you come from Stupidland! You have Nicole be mommy of Robo Baby?! She does not know anything about robots. She will give the baby alcohol to drink instead of gasoline and human toys like stuffed animals instead of robot toys like lasers.”

Robo EJ (desperate): “Please do not bring Robo EJ to Evil EJ! Robo EJ will give you cookies!”

Evil Crazy EJ regards Robo EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (intrigued): “What kind of cookies?”

Robo EJ (negotiating): “You choose.”

Talking the offer over with his wife, Evil Crazy EJ brings his Samantha doll closer to him in order to hear her better.

Evil Crazy EJ (adamant): “E.L. Fudge Doublestuffed. Two packages. One for Samantha and one for me.”

Robo EJ (all too eager): “This can be arranged.”

Evil Crazy EJ (pleasantly): “We accept your terms.”

Evil Crazy EJ holds out his hand. As soon as Robo EJ moves to shake it, Evil Crazy EJ stabs Robo EJ’s right hand with a combat knife.

Evil Crazy EJ (removing the blade): “Stupid robot! We would never betray Evil EJ! Not even for a tour of the Keebler elves factory tree! Now you come with us!”

Robo EJ (evilly): “Robo EJ does not think so.”

Robo EJ backs away from Evil Crazy EJ to show he is now holding Evil Crazy EJ’s Samantha doll in his left hand.

Samantha: “…”

Enraged, Evil Crazy EJ glares darkly at Robo EJ.

Evil Crazy EJ (pointing angrily): “You leave my wife alone, Robo EJ!”

Robo EJ (shaking his head): “Robo EJ will not miss nanosecond of Robo Baby existence.”

Evil Crazy EJ (growling): “You won’t exist if you don’t take your hands off Samantha right now!”

Robo EJ (stating his terms): “You let Robo EJ still hide, you get leave with her.”

Robo EJ and Evil Crazy EJ stare at each other. Suddenly, Evil Crazy EJ smiles.

Evil Crazy EJ (reciting): “Computer, accept audio input! Code six six three nine! Alpha Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! Reference 0x0000042! Passphrase what the paladin doesn’t know won’t hurt him!”

A clicking sound comes from Robo EJ’s speakers and echoes throughout the shaft.

Sinister Recording (sounds familiar): “Indeed. Physical lockdown activated. Evil EJ manual override engaged. So bucket of bolts hasn’t been behaving himself. Who is going to put him in his place?”

Robo EJ (unable to move): “What?!! What paralyze Robo EJ and use sound system?”

Evil Crazy EJ (continuing): “User is Frayed Ends of Sanity! Password is Samantha’s favorite color!”

Evil EJ Control Program (access granted): “Identity confirmed. Hello, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. How shall this overgrown toaster serve you?”

Robo EJ (frozen): “This not fair. Hero EJ said Robo EJ is free being. This not supposed to be possible!”

Evil Crazy EJ (ordering): “Go to sleep now!”

Evil EJ Control Program (executing): “Command accepted. Initiating emergency shutdown. Flipping killswitch. Unpleasant dreams, sunshine.”

Robo EJ (shrieking): “NOOOOOOOOO! MY BAB-”

The light dies in Robo EJ’s eyes as his internal power source is deactivated. Satisfied that he has rendered the cyborg inert, Evil Crazy EJ walks over to him and gathers his wife in his arms.

Samantha (hugging her husband): “Oh, EJ!”

Evil Crazy EJ (stroking her hair): “Did he hurt you, sweetheart?”

Samantha (giggling): “Nope. Our backup plan worked perfectly!”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “While I would have preferred not to make Robo EJ take a nap, it was his own fault. He should have never tried to use you as a hostage.”

Samantha (considering): “Yes, for a machine Robo EJ is not very smart.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Robo EJ should have known that Evil EJ would install a hidden program to control him behind Hero EJ’s back and give himself, us, and Gray EJ secret codes for it. Of course Evil EJ does not want Robo EJ walking around without a way to stop him. He has watched the Terminator movies with us lots of times.”

Having subdued Robo EJ, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha drag him out of the ventilation shaft and place him on the floor of the adjacent room.

Samantha (brushing dust off her outfit): “You should tell Evil EJ we have completed our mission!”

Evil Crazy EJ (taking out his Sidekick): “Good idea, Samantha!”

Evil Crazy EJ (texting): “O_o samantha + me got robo ej in tv room plz come 2 us ^_^”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha read the near-instant reply from Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (response): “Excellent, I’ll be right there-consider your request granted.”

Samantha (throwing her hands up in the air): “Yes! Evil EJ is going to take us to dinner and clothes shopping!”

Evil Crazy EJ (gesturing happily): “And not only that, Samantha! He said that we can get McFlurries, and he’d play in the PlayZone with us!”

Samantha (smiling): “I want to take pictures of him on the slide and in the ball pit! We can make him a thank you present and put the photos in a friendship frame!”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing her on the top of her head): “Oh, he will love that! You are the best wife ever!”

Samantha looks over at Robo EJ’s unconscious form.

Samantha (tugging on her husband’s sleeve): “Sweetie, I think we need to finish up the review Robo EJ was doing. He can’t finish it when he’s asleep.”

Evil Crazy EJ (unsure): “But we didn’t watch the show, my dear. It was too stupid.”

Samantha (thinking): “Well, I suppose we could say that Nicole should not play tickling games with Zombie Dallas EJ in her underwear. She will get sick!”

Evil Crazy EJ (amazed at how smart his wife is): “That is a very good point, darling. Cold and flu season will be here soon, and we don’t want anyone to become ill.”

Samantha (hugging her husband): “So dress appropriately, and enjoy the weekend! No show, so no stupid stuff to watch! Only losers would write such a stupid story! We give this past week an L for losers!”

Evil Crazy EJ (hugging her back): “Yes, we do, sweetheart! And now that’s it’s over with, it’s time to have fun!”

Days in Pop Culture

2008-10-12T21:19:00.003-06:00

So I was watching E! News, and lo and behold, there was a short segment with Nadia and Jay on how sex scenes are filmed on soaps. Both of them were really cute, and while it's nothing you wouldn't already know (like they're not really naked, heh), it was nice to see Days getting some publicity.

In addition, there's an article about Dena Higley in the October 20th issue of People. Apparently we have an NBC exec to thank for this Theo autism storyline, and according to the article Lexie and Abe are "one of the show's most popular couples." No, they aren't, Days, and you know that. Also, Alison Singer of Autism Speaks says, "It's important for daytime dramas to tackle this because so many new mothers are watching."

*rant*

Oh, really? Because otherwise they'd never know? Thank goodness Days exists so the show can enlighten the poor stupid housewives across America about important medical issues. I know I'm going to trust a soap opera where someone was possessed by the devil and another had his brain saved on DVD as a realistic and trustworthy source of pediatric information.

How condescending and patronizing can you be? Oh, wait, I already know with the lovely "writing" we're "enjoying" right now.

*end rant*

The Rest of the Crappy Week of October 8th, 2008, in Review

2008-10-12T21:10:00.004-06:00

And the Batan death march to Ejami continues.

Wednesday

Sami, that’s the opposite of hiding your pregnancy. You should have worn black.

“It’s a good thing we don’t have more suspects –we don’t have any more room on the whiteboard.”

“I could be wrong here, but I’m afraid you don’t have the moxie to pull off the cover-up, little lady. Not even with the ineptitude of the Salem PD.”

No Officer Chuck?

Seriously, I am sick of Lucas being so un-Lucas-like. The dude is not this reasonable. And no, Lucas, Sami’s parents haven’t always supported her! Quite the opposite.

Thursday

I think Theo left because he was afraid to be seen in public with that embarrassing hat.

Friday

Remember back when Sami and Nicole were frienemies and did fun things like look for incriminating evidence in sewers? If only.

Wow, it’s Zombie Dallas EJ needlessly propping John and J&M. Talk about what I don’t want to see. Evil EJ would just shoot John and call 911; “He was cleaning his gun, and idiotically didn’t check the chamber beforehand. I suppose we can’t all be brain surgeons, eh?”

Oh, yeah, baby! I should have known Officer Chuck would be out doing his honorable police duties. Of course he will stay out all night to find Theo if he has to-that’s the Chuck I know …except that Abe called him John. Hmm. While I love knowing his actual first name now, I’m kinda used to calling him Chuck. So I’m going to compromise and say his name is John Charles “Chuck” Chatsworth then. Go Officer Chuck!

Let the patronizing begin.

It’s utterly pointless flashback time!

Again, James did a good job here, but this was worthless. I don’t want EJ wasted like this, and as much as I personally hate J&M, they don’t need pimping. Damn, the show is structured so badly lately.

ZOMG, it’s the infuriatingly unnecessary plot twist that makes EJ look like a complete dink.

Yeah, that’s Zombie Dallas EJ alright.

Grade:

Days, I don’t think the show that plays in my head is better than the one that you actually air. I know it is.

Gray EJ Reviews Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

2008-10-12T21:05:00.002-06:00

Welcome to Gray EJ’s Craft Corner. As always, I am your host, Gray EJ, and I’m pleased to once again share my craftsmanship with you. Today I will be demonstrating how to build 3-D cardboard dioramas, construct an igloo out of balsa wood just like the ones Canadians live in, and assemble nearly any sort of box. Now, let’s get started, shall we? Dioramas aren’t just for grade school kids class projects. They are a fun and enjoyable activity for all and-wait. I’m sorry, I have to take this. Excuse me for a moment.

Hi, Evil EJ, are you enjoy-no. No, I didn’t think that was funny. No, I wasn’t trying to be funny; I was trying to be informative. Oh, the review? No, I decided against that since the show was so disgusting today. Yes? What? ‘People don’t want to read about your moronic hobbies?’ Well, I beg to differ, and-no. No. No, you don’t need to come over here. No, I can do it-I can do it. It’s fine, really. But I’ll warn you, I couldn’t even watch the entire episode it was so bad. Okay? Uh-huh, ‘plow ahead anyway and figure out the end yourself, you ignorant maggot’…thanks for the help. No, I was being sarcastic. No, I know you know that. Dammit, Evil EJ, that is not appropriate to say over the phone where Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha can hear you. No? Well, same to you. Yes, I’ll see you later. Goodbye.

Sigh. I apologize. Apparently, I have to review today’s episode of Days instead or Evil EJ is going to cut off my toes with a weedwacker. I’ll try.

Today Zombie Dallas EJ was waiting around for Samantha at Chez Rouge and insulting her with lines like “She's been acting very strangely, Lucas, even by her standards.” Like he has room to talk. As if being a reanimated corpse is normal.

This is where Evil EJ would insult Lucas along the lines of “I hope you’re not looking for your mail order bride. I showed her a photo of you on my cell phone, and she took off running. I can’t imagine why,” or “I’m surprised to see you up this early, Lucas, considering your late night at the morgue trying to scrounge up a date. After all, no woman alive would willingly spend time with you.”

Meanwhile Nicole decided that wet ‘n wild isn’t just a cosmetics brand.

And over in 1977, Samantha decided to freak out over my father’s gift to Johnny when you can buy nearly the exact same thing at Tiffany’s.

Because she’s tired and pregnant, Samantha decided to take a nap, and thank goodness she did otherwise we wouldn’t have gotten her laughable nightmares.

She hasn’t aged a day, hasn’t she?

My father may be the Phoenix, but I honestly doubt he would look the same fifteen plus years into the future.

“Grandfather's gonna encourage my professors to give me straight A's.” Odd, I don’t remember Father doing that for us.
“Wait a second. Johnny, you are a smart boy. You could earn those A's on your own.” Yes, as we did.
“Of course I can. But why waste our family's power and influence? We'd be stupid not to.” No, you would be stupid to do that as it robs you of the skills and knowledge gained by doing your own work. You can’t run an evil empire on a GED.
“What happened to your morals? What happened to working hard?” While quite the proponent of pushing one’s self, Evil EJ would argue that Samantha is being a hypocrite here, and I tend to agree as the real Samantha has as many morals as he does. None.

Back in the other part of the plot we don’t care about, Zombie Dallas EJ was stymied by both Lucas and Nicole. Neither I nor Evil EJ would put up with getting the brush off here from these simpletons, but that’s a zombie for you. We’re just lucky he hasn’t tried to eat anyone’s brain yet…no, I take that back. That would be a better show, wouldn’t it?

And the anti-chemistry continues. By my count, he turned his head to look for Samantha eight times. Of course Nicole didn’t notice because she’s used to having men keep one eye out for the authorities when they’re speaking with her.

“She told me she needs to speak to me about something, and she says it's really important, and I am terrified that it's got something to do with Johnny.” Someone is a wimp.
“Nicole, that is what binds Samantha and me - our son. It's the only reason that I care about her - because we share this child.” Blasphemy. Note to self, set Zombie Dallas EJ on fire when he returns home.

Still not old.

Samantha, do you know how many things are wrong with your supposedly horrific scenario here? We wouldn’t whack someone in the mansion, and if we idiotically decided to do so anyway, we wouldn’t do it in front of an open window or without the appropriate clean up gear. And we certainly wouldn’t do it with you there.

“You should have thought of that before you double-crossed the DiMeras.” I think the show should have thought of this clichéd and inept dialogue.

Seriously. I bet that still has the serial numbers on it. And our son was better looking in the previous part of the nightmare.

“Lucas, I have to find some way to protect my children from Stefano.” You could always start by not living in the same home. Moreover, Samantha, you have committed war crimes against humanity, and Evil EJ murders people. Johnny already has the supervillain pedigree without involving my father at all.

“What are the vapors? I don't even know what that means.” Say it with sarcasm, you idiot!
“I'm really sorry if I've been giving you mixed signals.” How about giving her the middle finger?

“I don't know if we can stop Stefano. And I think he knows I'm pregnant. He said that he hopes EJ and I give him more heirs, and then he was looking at my stomach, and it was creepy, and I just think he knew.” Well, you did touch your abdomen and pause dramatically. Who wouldn’t notice?

“Nicole, please tell me you are not asking me to choose between you and Samantha.” CHOOSE SAMANTHA!
“It's just I would like both of you to be in my life.” No, we don’t! Kill Nicole!
“I'm not saying that it is, but the whole situation with the two of you emotionally is very complicated.” No, it’s not! We love Samantha and Samantha alone!
“I'm sorry. You're gonna think I'm a real selfish bastard for saying this, but can we just please let it be for right now? Please?” Please kill Nicole!
“Nicole, this is a new relationship - you and I - and I'm sorry. I need to know where it's going before I make some kind of commitment.” It’s going to get the show canceled, that’s where it’s going.
“Nicole, I think-I think you are wonderful... and I care about you very much. You know that.” So why do you keep avoiding looking at her?
“I...care about you and Samantha very much.” Oh, way to commit there.

I gave up somewhere around this point. I’m sure Zombie Dallas EJ drooled all over the tablecloth while Marlena grinned psychotically at him and Lumi lamely worried about something that’s not a problem and already too late to stop anyway. But it’s not like it matters. I’m thinking a 1.8 and 0.9 demo for this episode.

Grade: Z-. Absolutely terrible and a complete waste of my time and yours. It really is too bad that Days tries to pass this torture off as entertainment. However, I wouldn’t want to end on such a depressing note, so here’s a simple project you can do at home. A popsicle log cabin!

1. Buy several boxes of popsicles at your local supermarket.
2. Eat the popsicles. This can be a difficult task by all by yourself, so you might want to have some friends help you. Or you can always ask Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha. They love sweets.
3. Save the sticks, clean them with a paper towel, and set them out to dry on some paper plates on a flat surface.
4. After the sticks are dry, use them as the boards for your cabin, and secure them to each other using non-toxic glue. Don’t worry about making a structurally sound building. Crafts are meant to be fun, and whatever makes you happy is what you should construct.

And there you go! Much more satisfying than the show, eh?

Monday, October 6th, 2008

2008-10-12T20:59:00.002-06:00

While his beloved Elvis can raise Johnny as a DiMera in every other way, having been brainwashed himself, EJ doesn’t have the awareness to do that to his son. So Stefano knows he has to take care of that task, and he’s wasting no time. The “Art of War” indeed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T_U9-_Mgp0

Sleep and dream of this
Death angel’s kiss
Brings final bliss
Completely

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBoGNnquY6o

Crawl from the wreckage one more time
Horrific memory twists the mind

“If that's it, then how did I end up in your shirt?”
“I don't know. Leave me alone. I wanted you to be comfortable.” Yes, being undressed by your ex-husband without your consent while you’re unconscious isn’t creepy at all. Way to disturb me, Days.
“You're in love with EJ.” Oh, yeah, baby! She has been for some time.
“And I'm in love with Chloe.” Eh, that’s not going to last.
“Then, if you're done keeping secrets, maybe it's time that you told EJ, the man that you love, that you're pregnant with his child.” As much as I agree with the message here, would Lucas really be this supportive and reasonable?

“You give me your word that you had nothing to do with Samantha disappearing?” Because Stefano is so trustworthy, EJ.
“You have my word.” Wait for it.
“All right.” See? EJ just accepts that lame answer. Decades of conditioning there. He likes obeying his father.
“Because she doesn't just disappear, leave Johnny, and not tell me where she's gone. Mary says that the bed hasn't been slept in.” Why don’t you go look for yourself?
“She was acting very strangely when I saw her last night. I've got this meeting I need to get to anyway. If she hasn't called here by the time I leave, I guess I'll start calling around,” and “I can't miss this meeting.” Yet again, I miss Evil EJ. He’d just have one of his minions cancel, not that he would have lost Sami in the first place. And he wouldn’t have a day job that got in the way of his personal life either.
“As I said, I would be only too happy to watch my grandson.” Repetition is important to learning!

“I need more time.”

“THERE IS NO TIME!”

“I just have to figure out a few things, you know, where EJ sands with Nicole and Stefano.” You and the show!
“You know, you can take as much time as you'd like, but, if I were you, I'd tell him soon. 'Cause like it or not, you're starting to show.” Ah, soaps. Don’t even bother to try to figure out the timeline here because with those three weeks in August comprising one day in Salem and all of September another, it’s screwed.

Prince called. He wants his suit back.

“Okay, I'm gonna take Johnny with me.” EJ, that only works on airline commercials advertising business class.
“No, look, I wish you would reconsider leaving him with me. Let the boy have his sleep, for goodness sake. Besides, you told me your meeting is at Chez Rouge, and that place is too noisy, anyway.” Having built him himself, Stefano is a master at working EJ.
“All right.” See?
“Let the boy enjoy his nap.” Softening language makes commands sound more like pleasant suggestions.
“I don't like this, okay? I may not have much of a choice, but I don't like this.” EJ, you left Johnny with Stefano at the beginning of this very episode. And don’t say that he wasn’t alone with him either. Like Invisible Maid and Epilepsy John could do anything if Stefano had wanted to go anywhere with him.
“He's upstairs. He's asleep. If he wakes up, just give him a bottle.”
“I know how to take care of my grandson.” I would think so. He is your father, EJ.
“Fine. If you have any problems or if Samantha appears, you call me. Okay?” Okay!
“Of course. You have nothing to worry about.” Nope. Just more conditioning.
“Okay. Thank you.” As if Stefano is doing EJ a favor. The guy is good.

And look who gave EJ his interest in reading the paper.

Empty baby carriage again, and I have no idea what’s up with the retro wardrobe. And no Lumi flirting!

Gotta love the ever convenient cell and text reception. The plot controls the satellites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5KRkN9Wx_4

Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won’t you be my soldier?

Johnny is adorable!

And you just know Stefano did this kind of stuff with EJ when he was little too. Awwww!

“What the hell are you doing with my son?” What does it look like?
“Oh, calm down, Samantha. Calm, calm, all right? I just took Giovanni for a little walk.” No, it was DiMera history conditioning time.
“In a cemetery?” It’s totally metal.
“All right, it's a little strange, but I wanted to introduce him to his forefathers.” That too.
“You are such a freak!” Sociopaths usually are.

“I'm a freak? What about you? What are you doing here?” Ah, good one, Stefano.
“I wish I had been praying for a stake so I could drive it through your heart right now while I have the chance.”

“He's a reverse vampire! They crave the sun!”

“Elvis asked me to babysit.” No, you tricked him into it.
“No, he wouldn't. He knows how I feel.” EJ is not having a smart day, Sami.
“Look, I will admit I was not his first choice. But he had a very important meeting to go to, and there was no one around, including Giovanni's mother.” Ah, burn!
“Then he should have asked someone else, anyone, anyone else.” Like who? Your mom? She doesn’t even want to see you. Ah, I slay me.
“That is ridiculous. I am the child's grandfather, all right? It is important that I spend time with him because there comes a day when my grandchildren will carry on my legacy.” Exactly. Evil doesn’t work itself.

“It's not like he's going to hurt him, Samantha. He looked after both the twins before.”
“What if he took him? What if he took Johnny, and we never saw our son again?”
“Look, he assured me he's not going to do that.” Why would he? With you two running around not parenting, he can condition Johnny at his leisure right in Salem.

“You and Elvis belong together. And I hope that one day soon you and Elvis will bless me with more heirs. In fact, I hope that day comes very soon, very soon indeed.” ICAM!

“Sorry for ditching you, EJ, but I can't deal with you right now. I think Stefano knows I'm pregnant.” Could you have reacted more obviously? He was testing you, and you failed.
“What am I gonna do?” Oh, I dunno, TELL EJ!

Grade: B-. Sami, Stefano, and Johnny were all on the mark, but EJ’s characterization is still very off. Too good and too dumb. Can we re-evil him and get his IQ back into the triple digits here, please?

The Week of September 30th in Review

2008-10-06T00:17:00.002-06:00

Unfortunately, I had to take a break from watching Days since Sami was nowhere in sight and EJ had been replaced by Zombie Dallas EJ, an abominable Austin clone. But with a new co-executive producer on board, perhaps things improved since then. Let’s see.

Tuesday

“You know, Lucas, you're lucky that we have the kids to consider. Otherwise, I might feel a little bit differently about that bullet you put in my back.” All the more reason to reveal that Ali is yours, Barely Gray EJ. Then you can give Lucas what he so richly deserves. And I don’t care that it is workout clothes, I’m not digging the 1986 a-ha shirt.

“It's my day with Ali.” Who switches off days in their custody arrangements?!
“Fine. Go ahead. You want to spend the day with a cranky baby, that's okay with me.” Can she repeatedly throw up on him too? But I do like your shirt, Sami. That’s a very nice eggplant.

“What's up with you?” Show, please do not have Barely Gray EJ here talk like I do. This is too casual for him.
“Crazy, right? I mean, who would want to hire me?” With your spotty career history? I wouldn’t.
“I have to say, I'm very impressed because you're using your initiative to go out there and get a job.” From “I would give you everything” to this. Massive downgrade.

“All right. Let's see what we got here. Education - good. Work history. Okay.” What work history? Remember when Sami was so poor she had to shower at Lucas’ apartment?
“What would you say are your skills?” Well, you were her boss at Mythic, EJ. You should know, although Sami should leave that position off her work history. Considering the SEC investigation that collapsed the company, it’s a bit like saying you worked for Kenneth Lay at Enron.
“What am I good at? I had great SAT scores. I mean, like the best in my class. I almost had perfect scores.” What the hell? First of all, if Salem really is in Illinois, you’d take the ACT unless you were looking to apply outside of the Midwest. Secondly, either way, you only take those tests if you want to go to college, and I really don’t remember you being interested in any of that. Third, no, you wouldn’t have almost perfect scores. Good or great, yes. But almost perfect? Not from someone who wouldn’t study.
“You're obviously very smart. You're obviously very good at taking tests. You did very well on your SATs. That's big. That's huge.” If she were eighteen, sure. Around thirty? It’s completely, totally, utterly irrelevant. No employer will care! I was stunned by this conversation topic. I cannot believe Days thought this whole discussion was appropriate dialogue for these two. What next, EJ asks Sami to the prom?
“I took four years of piano.” Arrrgh! Bad, Days, bad!

I just pretended they were humming “Enter Sandman” here.

“I can forge anyone's signature...in no time...with my eyes closed.” And that might have mattered back before scanners were invented.
“Why would someone hire me?” I wouldn’t. You have a job for a few months, and then something inevitably happens, and you get fired or quit. You are not a reliable employee.
“You're smart, you're very personable, you're organized, you're creative,” and “You're trustworthy, you're conscientious.” None of which are what should go in the skills section. Employers here are looking for specifics like “managed $0.6 million dollars from nine clients” and “written over 500 java applets.” Has anyone on Days’ writing staff ever looked for a real job? And clearly writing for Days does not count.
“Well, everybody fudges the truth on their résumé a little bit, darling.” Not a good idea, EJ.

“You have very sexy eyes. How about that?”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, I think that should be on the list. Don't you?” Indeed! I loved EJ’s soft tone of voice here and the slight smirk he gave Sami. Highlight of the episode.

“I need my independence from the show’s insistence on doing every possible plot but Ejami.”

Damn right EJ gets the real baby. Johnny is so cute! And James is great playing with him.

“Samantha, hey, is everything all right?”
“Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. Johnny is looking forward to going to the zoo. You guys have a good time. I'll see you both later.”
“Okay.” Sigh. Evil EJ would have noticed she was lying.

Sami’s fainting was weak here, but we wouldn’t want Ali to hurt herself or her baby, so that’s perfectly fine.

Show, I am more than ready to pretend along with you that Ali is in the baby carriage, but when Lucas moves it around so that I can clearly see that it’s empty, there goes that whole willing suspension of disbelief thing.

What are you going to do next, Lucas, cut off a lock of her hair? Geez, it’s a bad 50s romance novel.

Wednesday

I liked Pelvis better when it was evil.

Just when I thought we’d never see Officer Chuck again, he’s back on the show! I should have known he’d still be honorably protecting Salem, but now he has a last name too. Officer Chuck Chatsworth…that has a nice ring to it. And he talked to Victor, Kayla, and Bo, oversaw opening and closing the jail cell, and even handed Bo an important file. Thank you so much, Days! Man, I could not be happier to see that TPTB have finally noticed Officer Chuck’s considerable contribution to the Salem Police Department. I can’t wait to see what he does next. Maybe he’ll assist in Trent’s murder investigation with FBI Agent Lance or something.

“Let me call you by the name off your chart because I can’t be bothered to ask what you’d prefer.”

It’s official. Ejole has crossed the line into anti-chemistry, the dreaded state of affairs where the combination of two characters actively repel you from watching them together. EJ’s on one wavelength, Nicole is on another, and the combination results in audio/visual feedback that painfully assaults the viewer. Is it any wonder the demo is still crappy?

In contrast, Lumi is actually much more tolerable to watch now that they aren’t slobbering all over each other. Will wonders never cease.

“Oh, that's just bloody marvelous! He cancels! Thanks for the notice, pal,” and “I was supposed to be taking Johnny to the zoo today. I canceled the whole thing so I could come down here and meet this idiot.” Barely Gray EJ, Evil EJ doesn’t have these kinds of problems for a reason. Minions answer to him, not the other way around.

“I guess some things just aren't meant to be.” Heh.
“I still don't know what went wrong.” So wrong it’s right, Sami.
“Well, it's pretty easy. It wasn't a what. It was a who.” Exactly. Rooting couple switch!
“I don't want to think about EJ. I want to focus on my life and getting a job and getting my life together so that I can take the twins and get out of that DiMera loony bin.” Yeah, good luck with that.
“It sounds like a good plan, but I think things are far from over between you and EJ.” The ratings have spoken!
“Well, then you're wrong, because I am taking control of my life, and that means no EJ - not now, not ever - and nothing is going to change that.” The demo disagrees.
“You're strong, and you're resourceful. Always have been. Just don't think you need a man to lean on, especially EJ.” Except that Sami’s always been written to need a man in her life.

Thursday

Do I even need to say how much I miss Evil EJ?

“Nicole Walker. I assume you're here to see Junior.” Junior? So he’s Elvis Junior DiMera again?! Dammit, Days, who in the hell gets their middle name retconned twice in six months? And that’s a truly awful Dynasty dress on Nicole. I approve.

The more times we flashback to this, the better.

“You know, I had a wonderful time with Johnny today, but I'm a little bit starved for adult attention, if you know what I mean.” Then why are you hanging out with Nicole, much less having a date where your father or Sami can walk in at any time?
“Oh, I hope you don't mind. I took the liberty of talking to the chef. We are having a lobster bisque, followed by Caesar salad and duck de l'orange. I trust that is to your satisfaction.” But it’s Crowd Pleaser Thursdays at Domino’s!
“Afterwards, I thought we might take a little stroll down on the riverfront. There's that new jazz club that just opened up. Only been open a couple of months, but they seem to be getting some really fantastic musicians there. How does that sound?” Craptacular. You listen to jazz with Sami.

“I can't be pregnant.” I know! It’s like sex makes babies or something.
“Well, you got to do something unless there's somebody else. Is there somebody else? 'Cause God knows it wasn't me.” Woot woot!
“It was EJ, okay? Obviously it was EJ. He's the only one I've been with, and it was only-it was only that one time.” It only takes one time, Sami. Sheesh.
“I know about the one time. I don't need to hear about it.” I do!
“This is not fair. I mean, I can't believe this. I was gonna get a job and a life, and I was gonna get those twins out of that creepy mansion.” No, that wasn’t going to happen even in the original plot.
“Just relax, okay? You can still do all that.” Nope. Especially not now with the rewrites.
“Oh, really? Who is gonna hire me when I'm pregnant?” Well, it’s illegal for employers to ask that during interviews, but considering how far along you are, you won’t be able to hide it soon, so yeah, that’s a valid concern.
“What about Stefano? He's never gonna leave me alone if he finds out I'm carrying another DiMera heir.” Actually, dude’s been pretty decent so far with not kidnapping Johnny or Ali. Try him.
“You know what? Forget about Stefano. Concentrate on your present situation right now. You're having EJ’s baby again, so pick up the damn phone and call him and tell him!” Oh, I hate it when Lucas makes sense, and it’s still grating that I’m supposed to believe that Lucas would so cordial about the man he tried to murder.

“Hello, trouble. What's wrong with you, eh? Let's see-no bones broken. You're not bleeding, thank God. So what are you doing here? Are you sick? Samantha, hey. What's wrong?” From the moment he saw Sami, EJ lit up during this scene, smiling softly and touching Sami three times. Of course he loves her. Highlight of the episode.
“Hang on, sweetheart. What's wrong with you?” Aw, sweetheart mention!
“It is a big deal. I mean, have they done any tests? Do they know why this happened? Samantha, answer my question. What's wrong?” I liked how genuinely concerned EJ was about Sami here. James is so expressive with his eyes.

Friday

“You want me to get out? Fine. I will go back to my dinner, which, by the way, was a hell of a lot more fun than being yelled at by you.” Funny, looked like a lot of standing around to me.
“She's not my girlfriend.” Especially considering you just ran out on your first date with her.
“Oh, we want to call her something else, we could. I could think of buddy, friend, sex slave.” Sami, Barely Gray EJ is too chicken to keep you as his sex slave.
“Don't you understand, Samantha? All of this, this whole situation, this is your doing.” Actually it’s the writers who thought that after the ratings horror that was June and July, they could still do Ejole as a full blown obstacle couple. Idiots. It only took three weeks for the show and demo to tank, so here’s the start of the correction.
“Do you really think that I would be having dinner with anybody other than you if you weren't such a fickle and-” Aw, EJ wants to be with Sami.
“‘Fickle?’ I'm fickle?” As previously written? Yes.
“Nicole bats her eyelashes, and you come panting after her.” No, that’s you he does that for, Sami.
“It's not even just Nicole. It's any woman ever. Like we're all the same to you. Is that it, you shallow word the board won’t let me write? Replaceable, right? Dispensable. All the same in the dark, just put a bag over our head and-” You’re not the former editor of SOD, Sami, and EJ’s not a semi-popular soap star.
“Would you just shut up for one second, all right? Enough. Look, Samantha, look at me, please? They didn't mean anything.” Which means you do, Sami. You.
“Great, great, great! What, now we've gone ten steps back in our relationship?” Nope. This fight right here is part of reworking the storyline away from Ejole the obstacle couple back towards Ejami the rooting couple and rewriting both of your motivations for your actions the last several months (excluding the hospital disaster) as hurt and pain and not “OMG Nicole” or “OMG Lucas.” Snazzy, isn’t it?

“So I’m sorry about that whole ‘you’re the devil, and I hate you’ thing, Father.”
“It is as forgotten as the DiEmpire plotline, Elvis. And now that things are as they were before, you can get back to reviewing my Stefano/Marlena fan fic. I believe you will like how I kill John in this next one.”

“Any time the word ‘Samantha’ is used in a sentence, it is anything but simple. It is hideously complicated. Laughable, in fact. Frankly, I don't know why I bother. I don't know why anybody bothers” and “If she had one redeeming quality, what? Grace, wit, charm? I don't know-anything? You know, she doesn't even have a sense of humor. It's puerile at best, which would be fine if she wasn't so completely clueless.” Someone is a little too excited to be using Dictionary.com’s word of the day in his sentences.

“Completely. Complet-well, obviously she's physically-she's very beautiful, I suppose, but outside of that, she's coarse. She's cold. I mean, if you saw-if you saw Samantha crying, tears running down her face, your heart wouldn't go out to her. Why? Because she doesn't have a heart.” Reason #357 that Evil EJ is the superior EJ personality.

“So, that is why you are hopelessly in love with her.” Right down to the very depths of his black heart.
“I'm not in love with her. Infatuated maybe, I suppose. I certainly found her very interesting. But you know what I've discovered? She just appeals to all the worst parts of me.” Actually that’s a real selling point. I much prefer the worst parts of you.
“Once you get out of that dense, Samantha fog, you know you find? Not much. You know, the only thing I get out of this relationship is something self-destructive, something masochistic.” Aw, did Emo EJ get his wittle feelings all busticated?
“You're gonna be my shrink? This should be good.” From your father who raised you and brainwashed you for decades? Yes.
“I'm simply telling you the truth, Elvis. You have a child with Samantha, the precious Giovanni, hmm? He's your son, your heir, and because you are a DiMera, it means everything to you, and that is the reason why Samantha is important to you.” Well, that’s not the only reason, but Sami has to overhear this part so she’ll freak out and leave.
“Because she is the mother of your little boy, huh? That alone bonds you with her for life. There is nothing more powerful than sharing a child.” According to this soap, anyway.

“So I'm never gonna have any peace of mind? Is that what you're saying?” I’m saying quit whining! Get your damn act together, and take her!
“Well, that's up to you, my son, hmm? It is very obvious that you and Samantha are meant to be together. Now, whether it is harmonious or inharmonious, that is your choice. You can either love her-simply love her-or you can go on fighting it. Which will it be, Elvis?” Option number one!

Direction change 1, Morgan 0.

“He was on a date. If he cared about me...he would stay away from Nicole.” You have to give EJ a reason to do so, Sami. Alas, her sucking isn’t enough.
“I don't want things to be different because of the baby.” Admirable, yet impossible.
“I'm not telling him tonight.” And in the original version of this plot, you never would.
“I don't like that Stefano's been hanging around.” It’s almost like he lives there.
“I need to think clearly and that is the last thing I can do when I'm stuck at that creepy mansion.” Creepy awesome mansion.
“We're not together anymore.” Yea!
“Yeah, I know. I got the memo on that.” Lucas, YOU BROKE UP WITH HER! You sent the memo!

Grade:

C+. I freely admit there’s a lot to like as Gary has obviously reworked things in order to move us away from the cliff the show had been headed towards. I mean, I can actually watch it again as I do recognize EJ and Sami here, albeit the white with a drop of gray versions. Ejami still has magical chemistry, and the two sweet moments between them this week were lovely. Lucas is being Romanized, and Nicole is being shown as the barely there interloper she is until Lance comes to set his eyes on her. Stefano and EJ are back to being father and son. And the dialogue is slightly better except for that laughable resume convo. But it’s nowhere near perfect.

Seriously, show, you’re writing Ejami as a slightly darker and smarter Shelle. Where’s the evil? The intelligence? The acting like actual adults? What we have going on right now is a repeat of Shelle and Shallow except Sami is also pregnant. I mean, talking about SATs? Getting turned around by obvious ploys? Not being able to communicate with each other? It’s infuriating. I don’t watch this show to watch Ejami be good and dumb.

So knock off the golden couple crap. It’s 2008, not 1975. Watch Ric and Claudia on GH, Chuck and Blair on Gossip Girl, or even Evil EJ with his Samantha January 2007 to Mid-May 2007. That’s how you should write Ejami. Evil couple!!! Both EJ and Sami are villains and that would not and should not change as they come together romantically. I want smart Evil EJ and Evil Sami together happily screwing over people, not stupid Barely Gray EJ and Barely Gray Sami getting screwed by other people as they try to come together.

And no complaining about how to get everything rolling in that direction quickly. Simply bring Back Evil EJ. He’ll do the work for you as he doesn’t let minor details like Sami’s free will get in the way of his happiness or hers.

Save Sami/Ali and EJ/James Buttons

2008-09-27T17:10:00.003-06:00

Want to help me promote my We Love Sami Brady! Save Alison Sweeney! and We Love EJ DiMera! Save James Scott! blogs? Link me with the following buttons:

I'd be happy to return the favor. Also, the associated online petitions are at:

Sami/Ali: http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/welovesami/

EJ/James: http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/weloveej/

Evil EJ and Ejami Solidarity Banners

2008-09-27T16:57:00.003-06:00

Miss Evil EJ and Ejami? Feel free to use my banners wherever you'd like.

Surrender Unto Me

2008-09-21T22:08:00.003-06:00

Having assisted Samantha in putting the twins to bed, Gray EJ searches one of the lower levels of the DiMansion basement for the other EJs. Turning the corner around one of the passageways, he enters a much larger room only to be completely astonished by what he finds.

Gray EJ (shocked): “What in the…”

As he enters the freshly constructed stadium, Gray EJ sees that a wresting ring has been set up in the center of the arena with a steel cage enclosing it. A safe distance away, several comfortable red velvet chairs have been lined up for the optimal viewing experience. Evil EJ is seated in one of them in with Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha doll in another. Evil EJ is wearing his customary all black suit while Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha are dressed in matching cheerleading outfits.

Evil Crazy EJ (waving): “Hi, Gray EJ! We were waiting for you! Samantha said we couldn’t start without you!”

Evil EJ (nodding): “Yes, we were wondering when you were going to show up. You’d think you’d understand the importance of following Samantha’s lead with the children by now.”

Gray EJ looks around in horror for several moments.

Gray EJ (wincing): “Do I even want to know what’s going on here?”

Evil Crazy EJ (happily): “It is the main event! Stupid Pansy EJ versus Fake Dallas EJ in the ultimate grudge match!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, sweetheart, with the steel cage in place there is no leaving the squared circle until a winner is declared!”

Gray EJ (incredulously): “What?”

Evil EJ (easily): “Since they’ve been getting the vast majority of our screentime as of late, Good EJ and Dallas EJ clearly need to work some things out in order for our characterization to have any hope of recovery, and what better way than mortal combat? Why leave bread and circuses only to the commoners, I say.”

Gray EJ looks inside of the cage to see both Good EJ and Dallas EJ standing on opposite sides of the ring. Unable to pull himself away from the spectacle, Gray EJ walks over to Evil EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha.

Gray EJ (uncomfortably surveying the scene): “You know, you really have reached a new level of depravity here.”

Evil EJ (taking it as a complement): “One should always endeavor to challenge one’s self.”

Gray EJ (taking a seat next to Evil EJ): “And it doesn’t bother you a bit that this is the equivalent of Belgium having a war with Luxembourg.”

Evil EJ (indignantly): “How else am I supposed to entertain myself? Watch the show?”

Evil EJ and Gray EJ look at each other silently for several moments before both of them burst into laughter.

Gray EJ (wiping a tear out of the corner of his eye): “Watch the show…you almost had me going there for a minute. Good one.”

Evil EJ (grinning): “Indeed. I would think elective open heart surgery would be more fulfilling at this point, spoilers or no.”

Dallas EJ (hearing the insult from within the enclosure): “I’ll have you know that the love story between me and Nicole could not be more compelling.”

Good EJ (making a face from his half of the ring): “Try vomit inducing. It’s disgusting! No one wants to see her anywhere near us or cutting into our screentime with Samantha.”

Gray EJ (considering): “How’d you get them both in the cage anyway?”

Hero EJ (explaining): “Well, it was a team effort.”

Making his usual sudden entrance, Hero EJ hands out the refreshments and snacks that he had nicely agreed to get from the kitchen.

Evil Crazy EJ (taking their soft drinks): “Thank you, Hero EJ!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (sharing his popcorn with his wife): “Yes, we helped too! Samantha is an expert markswoman with tranquilizer guns!”

Gray EJ (accepting the energy drink Hero EJ anticipated he would want): “You approve of this?!”

Hero EJ (surprised at his surprise): “Why wouldn’t I? It’s one of the modern day equivalents of jousting.”

Evil EJ (taking the glass of wine that he had requested): “Which means it’s the perfect excuse for Hero EJ here to indulge his inner bloodlust.”

Hero EJ (sitting down and taking a sip of his vitamin water): “No, I appreciate the chance to see Good EJ show Dallas EJ that being good doesn’t mean being disrespectful.”

Evil EJ (dryly): “Sure you do. And before I forget, let me warn you that the chink in your shining armor is showing.”

The overhead lights dim slightly as Robo EJ, dressed in a referee outfit, enters the cage and moves to the center of the ring in order to begin the match.

Robo EJ (mechanical voice): “GENTLEMEN…”

Evil Crazy EJ (interrupting): “Dumb robot! Samantha is here too!”

Robo EJ (error correcting): “LADY AND GENTLEMEN…READY TO RUMBLE?”

Hero EJ (firmly): “Yes.”

Evil EJ (shrugging): “I suppose.”

Evil Crazy EJ (jumping up and down): “Robo EJ! Samantha and I are ready to rumble!”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (screaming at his wife’s request): “YOUR LUCK HAS RUN OUT!!!”

Seeing the level of interest disparity between Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha and Hero EJ and Evil EJ, Gray EJ snickers.

Gray EJ (patronizingly to Evil EJ): “What, no fist pump?”

Evil EJ (calmly enjoying his drink): “No need. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha have more than enough enthusiasm for all of us.”

Robo EJ (gesturing to one side): “THIS CORNER…GOOD EJ WHO LIKE SAMANTHA!”

Good EJ (annoyed): “No, I love Samantha! She’s our soulmate!”

Hero EJ (encouragingly): “Make me proud, seraph!”

Gray EJ (loudly): “You can do it, Good EJ!”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “It’s time to get your hands dirty, sunshine.”

Samantha: “…”

In order to better hear her, Evil Crazy EJ leans down towards his Samantha doll.

Evil Crazy EJ (relaying his wife’s instructions): “Listen to Samantha, Stupid Pansy EJ! We want you to win! Rip Fake Dallas EJ’s face off, and wear it as your own for your trophy!”

Robo EJ (gesturing to the other side): “THIS CORNER…DALLAS EJ WHO LIKE NICOLE!”

Dallas EJ (haughty): “Actually, it’s much more than that. I care for her very much.”

Gray EJ (annoyed to Hero EJ): “Which makes absolutely no sense given our characterization up to this point. This unbelievable triangle has to be one of the most imbecilic decisions Days has ever made.”

Hero EJ (shaking his head): “It’s a genuine travesty.”

Evil Crazy EJ (jointly with his wife): “Boooooooo! You suck, not real EJ!”

Evil EJ (pretending to cough): “Racist.”

Aghast at the accusation about Dallas EJ, Hero EJ and Gray EJ look at Evil EJ.

Evil EJ (mock innocently): “What? It’s all over the internet.”

Robo EJ (moving backward): “FIGHT UNTIL ONE WINS! FIGHT!”

Robo EJ leaves the cage and locks the door behind him before either Good EJ or Dallas EJ can follow him.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Those were some rather vague instructions. What constitutes winning?”

Hero EJ (unclear himself): “I don’t know. Robo EJ’s language skills are quite limited.”

Evil EJ (dismissively): “It was a waste of CPU cycles to add anything even slightly complicated. How many different ways does he need to lie to Nicole?”

Inside the cage, Good EJ and Dallas EJ eye each other warily.

Good EJ (nervously): “Um, so, ah…how are you today, Dallas EJ?”

Dallas EJ (eyeing the steel enclosure): “How trite. But if you all insist on being little children, I suppose I can indulge you.”

Good EJ (guardedly): “Okay. How about you drop Nicole, and we both walk out of here?”

Dallas EJ (snotty): “The woman who should be dropped is that loser Samantha. And how about I punch you in the face?”

Dallas EJ moves over to Good EJ and hits him with a badly aimed right hook. Good EJ screams at the impact, his high pitched voice echoing throughout the stadium.

Good EJ (like a little girl): “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Evil Crazy EJ (loudly): “Stupid Pansy EJ! Samantha believes in you!”

Good EJ barely manages to block Dallas EJ’s poor attempt at an uppercut.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (angrily): “She also says that she will use your ribcage as a xylophone if she loses the five dollars that she bet on you winning!”

Good EJ (unable to deal with the pressure): “What? No! No more torture from you two!”

Panic overtaking him, Good EJ runs away from Dallas EJ as Dallas EJ attempts to kick Good EJ’s right ankle.

Dallas EJ (yelling): “Get back here, you louse!”

Evil EJ, Gray EJ, Hero EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha watch as Dallas EJ catches up to Good EJ on the other side of the ring and the two combatants handslap each other for several minutes.

Evil EJ (rolling his eyes): “Pathetic.”

Gray EJ (frowning): “Very. Not exactly the Ultimate Warrior versus the Undertaker here, eh?”

Hero EJ (shrugging): “No, but considering this is the best either of them can do, I suppose it’s not that bad.”

Evil EJ (disagreeing): “You suppose wrong. I’ve seen better combat on C-Span.”

A loud ringing noise echoes throughout the arena.

Hero EJ (looking around): “Saved by the bell.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Literally.”

Evil Crazy EJ (last minute check with his wife): “Are you ready, Samantha?”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (smiling): “Great! It is time for the halftime show!”

Outside of the cage, Robo EJ gestures for Good EJ and Dallas EJ to retreat to their respective corners as Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha get up and move to a clear space in front of the seats. Gray EJ looks at Evil EJ in confusion.

Gray EJ (wondering): “Halftime show?”

Evil EJ (finishing his wine): “Of course, you fence straddling maggot. Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha worked very hard on their routine.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEGecGbYyrA

Having practiced for weeks, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha execute a tightly choreographed sequence of dance line and cheerleading moves to the piped in music.

Hero EJ (genuinely impressed): “I had no idea they could backflip that high.”

Gray EJ (awed as well): “And so gracefully too!”

Good EJ (catching his breath): “Aaaah…ahhhh.”

Not nearly as winded as his opponent, Dallas EJ moves over to the edge of the enclosure and stares at Evil EJ.

Dallas EJ (condescending): “This little show here is completely embarrassing for Evil Crazy EJ and only encourages him to act out instead of fitting into society. Now, it must be extremely challenging for someone as selfish as you are to take care of a special needs adult, so I can see why you’d allow it. But it’s a big mistake.”

Evil EJ (absolute zero): “And here I thought it was your mother’s unquestioning faith in thalidomide.”

Dallas EJ (matching the chill): “Says the man too chicken to fight me himself. Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?”

Evil EJ (deadly): “Always.”

The music fades, and again a loud ringing noise echoes throughout the arena. Done with their routine, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha run back to join the other EJs.

Evil Crazy EJ (retaking his seat with his wife): “Yes, Samantha! Round two!”

Robo EJ motions to Good EJ and Dallas EJ for the match to continue. Good EJ decides to continue his strategy of cowardice and runs around the ring avoiding Dallas EJ who studies Good EJ’s movement patterns.

Gray EJ (not believing what he’s saying): “You can do it, Good EJ!”

Hero EJ (unshakable faith): “Show Dallas EJ who’s the boss!”

Evil EJ (trying another tack): “Hey, sugarbumps! He stole your Sex and the City - The Movie Special Edition DVD!”

Nailing the pattern of Good EJ’s running, Dallas EJ grabs Good EJ and slams him against the side of the cage.

Dallas EJ (loathing): “You’re as embarrassing as the woman you love.”

Good EJ (trying to escape): “What’s insulting is your treatment of her! Tough love? Disrespecting someone isn’t love at all!”

Dallas EJ presses Good EJ into the wall as hard as he can.

Dallas EJ (snidely): “True. Oh, sure, I might have some residual feelings for Samantha, but I pity her, really. It’s not like she has any friends, right? Her self-destructive tendencies will destroy her again as they have every time in the past. Stupid woman actually thought-”

Hearing his beloved disparaged, something snaps inside of Good EJ.

Good EJ (enraged): “WE LOVE SAMANTHA!”

Fueled by his pure love for the woman of his dreams, Good EJ abruptly breaks Dallas EJ’s hold and repeatedly kicks him in the groin.

Dallas EJ (surprised): “Agggh!”

Good EJ (furiously screaming): “AND WE ARE NOT BETTER THAN HER! SHE IS BETTER THAN US! WE ARE BLESSED TO BE GRACED WITH HER PRESENCE! EVERY MOMENT WE SPEND WITH HER IS A GIFT TO BE CHERISHED! WE WORSHIP THE GROUND SAMANTHA WALKS ON, YOU-YOU-YOU-”

Hero EJ (loudly): “Insult to purity!”

Evil Crazy EJ (yelling): “Not real EJ!”

Gray EJ (clapping): “Sanctimonious git!”

Evil EJ (sneering): “Ignorant unceremonious wanker!”

Good EJ (pointing to his cheering section): “What they said!”

Capitalizing on his support, Good EJ pile drives Dallas EJ into the canvas.

Dallas EJ (reeling in pain): “AAAAARGGGGHHHHHH!”

Unwilling to give Dallas EJ a chance to recover, Good EJ hits him again with an elbow drop off the side of the cage.

Dallas EJ (losing consciousness): “No…it can’t be …”

With Dallas EJ down for the count, Good EJ stands off to the side.

Robo EJ (outside the cage): “1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10!”

The winning conditions met, Robo EJ unlocks the cage, enters, and comes over to Good EJ.

Robo EJ (raising Good EJ’s right hand): “WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION! GOOD EJ!”

At the proclamation, the cage mechanism rises off of the ring, and Robo EJ and Good EJ get out while Dallas EJ remains a crumpled heap on the floor of the stage. His current mission complete, Robo EJ powers himself down in a nearby corner. Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and his Samantha come over to greet Good EJ while Evil EJ stays in his seat.

Evil Crazy EJ (excitedly): “Congratulations, Stupid Pansy EJ on beating Fake Dallas EJ! Samantha is very happy to have ten dollars now to spend on fall dresses!”

Gray EJ (sincerely): “Yes, good job!”

Evil EJ (smirking): “We all knew you could do it, carrotcake.”

Hero EJ (offering a towel and water bottle to Good EJ): “Excellent work. You struggled in the beginning, but then you focused on Samantha, and she was able to fuel you on to victory.”

Good EJ (refusing Hero EJ’s offering): “How could you have helped put this match together? You’re supposed to be on my side!”

Hero EJ (truly hurt): “Good EJ, even you have to admit we have been unwatchable on screen lately with our out of place characterization.”

Good EJ (staggering backward as he tries to catch his breath): “I don’t admit anything.”

Self-righteous Voice (haughtily): “Funny. Neither do I.”

Unwilling to admit defeat, Dallas EJ springs off of the canvas suddenly from behind and grabs Good EJ in a headlock. Hero EJ, Evil EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha immediately tense, ready to spring into action. Full of himself, Dallas EJ shakes his head slightly.

Dallas EJ (having the upper hand): “Not so fast. I’ll break his neck. And we all know what happens then, don’t we?”

Hero EJ (taking charge): “Let him go, Dallas EJ. You don’t want to die anymore than we do. It’s over. He can’t help you.”

Dallas EJ (using his leverage): “Not alone anyway. If you want all of us to get out of this alive, you idiots are going to listen and agree to my demands.”

Hero EJ (negotiating as he formulates a plan): “All right.”

Dallas EJ (snootily): “I thought so. First, you need to throw away this all consuming love for Samantha. The writers have decided that we don’t feel that way any longer, and right now we’re enamored with Nicole. Samantha is no longer the center of our world, and you have to accept that reality. I don’t want to be locked into that depraved pairing anymore.”

The air crackles as a single gunshot punctuates Dallas EJ’s last words. Hit in the middle of his forehead, he immediately lets go of Good EJ and falls backward. Shocked, Good EJ, Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha turn to see Evil EJ with his gun in his hand, having fired without hesitation the instant he had a clear shot.

Evil EJ (demonically): “Then let me set you free.”

As the now late Dallas EJ bleeds out onto the concrete floor, Good EJ moves over to Hero EJ and Gray EJ. Satisfied with how he’s resolved the situation, Evil EJ reholsters his firearm as he stands up.

Hero EJ (disbelievingly): “I was handling it, Evil EJ! You didn’t need to kill him!”

Gray EJ (mentally taking the next step): “Why aren’t we dead?!”

Ignoring their remarks, Evil EJ walks over to Dallas EJ’s body and admires his handiwork.

Evil EJ (to the corpse): “You were saying, counterfeit? We are many, many things, but a hypocrite is not one of them.”

Evil Crazy EJ (approvingly): “Good shot, Evil EJ! Samantha says the blood spatter is impressive! She would also like to know if this means that we can kill Good EJ now.”

Evil EJ (moving his head up and grimacing): “Sadly, no.”

Evil EJ (gesturing): “An Austin Reed stealing our name and face is no more a part of us than Robo EJ, so I was able to give Dallas EJ what he so fittingly deserved. But unlike this insulting imitation, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star here is actually part of our total, albeit fractured, personality. We are unfortunately stuck with his festering goodness.”

Good EJ sighs in relief at Evil EJ’s words.

Hero EJ (sincerely as he puts his hand on Good EJ’s shoulder): “I wouldn’t let him kill you even if he could.”

Good EJ (pushing Hero EJ away): “I don’t trust you anymore!”

Gray EJ (looking at Dallas EJ’s corpse): “Evil EJ, while that makes as much sense as anything with us ever does, um, shouldn’t you not have done that anyway? I mean, TPTB seem pretty stuck on this joke of a triangle, so they’re going to keep going with this idiotic plotline for a while. I’m sure he has more scenes coming up.”

Evil EJ (unconcerned): “As am I. And I see no reason why he can’t be in them.”

Gray EJ (pressing): “But you just killed him. He’s dead.”

Evil EJ (raising an eyebrow): “Exactly.”

The other EJs look at Evil EJ in confusion except Evil Crazy EJ who lights up in delight.

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Yes, Samantha! Zombie Dallas EJ!”

Good EJ (stunned): “What?!”

Hero EJ (taken aback): “You wouldn’t.”

Gray EJ (cringing): “Oh, yes, he would.”

Evil EJ (devilishly): “Just in time for Halloween.”

Evil EJ (stepping on Dallas EJ’s right kneecap): “Besides, it’s not as if anyone will notice the difference. Seen one self-righteous Salemite, seen them all. He can drool all over that abhorrent tart just fine, and we can easily replace him if the writing suddenly and miraculously improves.”

Samantha: “…”

Evil Crazy EJ (thrilled): “That is a very good question, Samantha! I wonder if Zombie Dallas EJ will be vulnerable to fire too!”

Evil EJ walks over to Gray EJ and hands him a keycard.

Gray EJ (wondering): “What’s this?”

Evil EJ (explaining): “Access to the morgue. There’s already a shelf ready and waiting for our necromancy subject.”

Evil EJ (putting a hand on Gray EJ’s shoulder for a moment): “Now, be a dear, and take care of all this for me. After all, I did just save your life, and I’m sure everyone else here will gladly assist you out of the same gratitude. I’d do it myself, but Samantha and I have plans.”

Hero EJ (remembering): “But it was your turn last night.”

Good EJ (incredulously): “And the night before!”

Gray EJ (resigned): “And the night before that.”

Evil EJ (mock humbly): “Who am I to deny our beloved her preference for the personality she’d like to spend the most time with?”

His work finished, Evil EJ starts walking to the exit of the arena as Hero EJ, Gray EJ, Good EJ, Evil Crazy EJ, and Samantha watch him leave. The pieces moving in his mind, Gray EJ calls after Evil EJ.

Gray EJ (putting it all together): “This was the plan all along, wasn’t it? You got to kill Dallas EJ in an unnecessarily convoluted manner that amused you, and we’re stuck down here cleaning all this up while you get to spend the night with Samantha again.”

Extremely pleased with himself, Evil EJ turns around and looks at the other EJs before winking mischievously at them.

Evil EJ (smugly): “Bow down, cretins.”

I Need Your Help!

2008-09-15T23:44:00.004-06:00

Long story short, Days of our Lives is rather determined to commit ratings suicide here as they idiotically want to get rid of Alison Sweeney as soon as they can legally do so because it's against the law to fire pregnant women, and they're inadvertently forcing James Scott into not renewing his contract by writing EJ as a carbon copy of Austin Reed instead of the DiMera he should be.

Neither of these situations are acceptable, and I refuse to go down without a fight. But I can't do it alone. Please forget the crap currently pretending to be "Days" on your screen, and join me in showing TPTB that they are about to slit their own throat and destroy any chance they have of taking this show into the next decade. I have started two blogs with relevant network and sponsor contact information and other stuff for each character and actor:

We Love Sami Brady - Save Alison Sweeney http://welovesami.blogspot.com/

We Love EJ DiMera - Save James Scott http://weloveej.blogspot.com/

Now can we win this battle? Your guess is as good as mine. But we have a shot, and that's better than nothing. So in the words of the great James Hetfield, "no remorse, no regrets." If we're at the end of the damn line, let's go out with a bang to shake the very foundation of the soap world. Our couple deserves nothing less.

Broken, Beat, & Scarred

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ3gFfvsoaE

You rise, you fall, you're down then you rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong
You rise, you fall, you're down then you rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong

Rise, fall, down, rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong
Rise, fall, down, rise again
What don't kill you make you more strong

Through black days
Through black nights
Through pitch black insights

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Breaking your life, broken beat and scarred
But we die hard

The dawn, the death, the fight to the final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong
The dawn, the death, the fight to the final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong

Dawn, death, fight, final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong
Dawn, death, fight, final breath
What don't kill you make you more strong

They scratched me
They scraped me
They couldn't rape me

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Breaking your life, broken beat and scarred
But we die hard

Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming
Show your scars
Cutting your feet on the hard earth running
Show your scars
Braiding your soul in a hard luck story
Show your scars
Spilling your blood in a hot suns foray
Breaking your life, broken, beat and scarred
We die hard
We die hard
We die hard

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha Review September 10th, 2008

2008-09-10T22:37:00.003-06:00

Hello! How is everyone today? Samantha and I are so happy to be here!

Yes! We want to thank Carpe for asking us to do the review!

Evil Crazy EJ (excited): “Yes, Samantha, we are so lucky to get to review Metallica’s new album!”

Samantha (throwing her hands up in the air): “It is great! You need to buy it right away on Friday if you have not already had someone help you preorder it so it is there waiting for you when you go to the store. You can listen to part of it at Metallica.com, and there are songs about demons and death and killing people and selling your soul and monsters and the end of the world! And the best song is about coloring!”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “James Hetfield is truly a master lyrist to write so eloquently about our favorite activity.”

Samantha (singing): “I’ll end this day...I’ll splatter color on this gray”

What are you two doing?

Hi, Evil EJ! Samantha and I are doing the review we promised Carpe.

Evil EJ (irritated): “But Carpe did not ask you to review the new Metallica album, although I’m sure she appreciates another blatant plug for her favorite musical group. You and Samantha are supposed to be reviewing today’s show.”

Samantha (shaking her head): “I didn’t like it. It was stupid!”

Evil Crazy EJ (comforting his wife): “Samantha says it was dumb, so she does not want to talk about it. We decided to review ‘Death Magnetic’ instead.”

Evil EJ (patiently): “Unfortunately for you two, that’s not what you agreed to do. Now, get back to reviewing the episode, okay? You promised her you would do so. And I’ll know if you don’t.”

Trusting his best friend to listen to him, Evil EJ leaves Evil Crazy EJ and his Samantha alone again in the room.

Evil Crazy EJ (annoyed): “Fine! Idiotic Carpe. It’s not like anyone reads these anyway, right, sweetheart?”

Samantha (sticking her tongue out): “Yes, but we will review the dumb show now, not that we want to.”

Evil Crazy EJ (mockingly): “I am Good EJ, and I am stupid. I cannot even read with my stupid glasses. That is how stupid I am. How I do not fall down from my stupidity I do not know.”

Samantha (sing song): “I am Nicole, and I am even dumber than Good EJ! My dress is ugly, and I get cold because it has no arms. My doggie is sad because I stick her in a purse, and she cannot breathe! I am a bad owner!”

Husband and wife look at each other in agreement.

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “So there you have it. The show today was stupid, and Samantha and I did not like it at all. We give it a -42 for being boring and not having any coloring, chocolate milk, or random murders.”

The review finished, Samantha claps her hands together.

Samantha (smiling): “Review over! Now it is time for reader mail! Yea!”

Evil Crazy EJ (looking at his wife in surprise): “What a great idea, Samantha! You are so smart! Yes, it is mail time!”

Distant Sinister Voice (exasperated): “No, it’s not.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha (singing): “We get letters! We get letters! We get lots and lots of letters!”

Evil Crazy EJ (reading): “Our first question comes from Cat. Dear Samantha and Evil Crazy EJ, why did you attack Nicole with a saucer?”

Puzzled, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha look at each other.

Evil Crazy EJ (wondering): “What else would I hit her with? A spoon?”

Samantha (laughing): “Silly question!”

Evil Crazy EJ (reading again): “Our second question comes from Tricky via Virgie. Dear Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha, who let Pansy EJ out of his cage?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding): “Excellent question.”

Samantha (explaining): “My husband and I had been wondering the same thing. First we suspected that our minions at Lowe’s the Home Improvement Place did not appreciate the extra dollar we bribed them with and sabotaged the cage, but it passed a full inspection. Then we thought Hello Kitty might have fallen to Stockholm syndrome and become a traitor, a willing disciple of goodness. However, we shared this concern with Evil EJ, and she was able to avoid an unpleasant trip in the washing machine after a complete investigation. So Good EJ is out of his cage because he has a magic hat.”

Evil Crazy EJ (agreeing): “Yes, Evil EJ explained to us that Good EJ escapes with a magic hat to be all pansyish. It must be invisible because we have not seen him wearing it.”

No, I said he gets out by writer fiat. TPTB want it, so it happens. And what are you two doing?!

Hi, Evil EJ! Samantha and I are done with the review so we are answering reader questions!

Ah, yes, your “review.” I hardly think what you two did qualifies as a survey of today’s episode.

Evil Crazy EJ (angry): “We think it is a review!”

Evil EJ (raising his eyebrow): “Really. Then you won’t mind if I do not take you to McDonald’s with me while Gray EJ and Hero EJ spend time with our beloved and the twins.”

Shocked, Samantha and Evil Crazy EJ look at Evil EJ.

Samantha (gasping in horror): “You promised! You said you would take us to get Happy Meals for dinner!”

Evil Crazy EJ (eyes widened): “Samantha is stunned at your cruelty, Evil EJ. We were good today just like you asked us to be! We did not even try to draw on the important legal papers you invitingly leave in your briefcase! How could you lie to us?”

Evil EJ (gesturing easily): “Oh, how could I possibly uphold my word with someone who refuses to do the same?”

Samantha (pouting): “Evil EJ is mean! Why is he so smart?”

Evil Crazy EJ (glaring): “True evil is very intelligent, Samantha. He has us. We have to do the review now.”

Evil EJ (smirking): “Quite. Now get to it for real this time, and perhaps we can swing by Target on the way home. I’m sure Samantha would like to look at their dress collection.”

Samantha (hugging Evil Crazy EJ): “Yes! New fall fashions! Please?”

Evil Crazy EJ (nodding at his wife): “Samantha and I agree. We will start now.”

Evil EJ (leaving): “Good. I’ll leave you two to it. Have fun.”

Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha reluctantly begin their review.

The DiMera mansion is actually much nicer than this. We are not sure why they keep showing this old photo for it.

“Nicole, I can't help but be attracted to you. It's a matter of biology.” By that Good EJ means that he’d like to dissect Nicole with a rusty paring knife, but he is too scared. Pansy!

Samantha thinks Sami looks very pretty here! Nice hair and makeup, and beautiful lavender top! She also says Nicole looks like she forgot to finish getting dressed.

We hate Nicole for many reasons, but we especially do not like her choice of beverage. Why would you not have chocolate milk in the morning?

Even Pansy Good EJ does not like this episode. That is how stupid it is!

“Just tell me what the hell you're thinking standing here talking to her when you should be fighting for our daughter.” He does not think, Sami! Good EJ has no brain!
“That's a bit of a flip-flop. Don't you think, Samantha? As soon as it serves the occasion, suddenly Ali’s my child as well?” Samantha says both babies are Evil EJ’s!
“I thought you felt like she was your daughter all along, actually, EJ. You always told me how you love her just as much as you love Johnny, or were you lying about that, too?” Evil EJ, Hero EJ, and Gray EJ would not lie about that. We cannot vouch for dumb Good EJ here.
“Samantha, this is about you and your feelings. You've always rubbed my nose in the fact that Ali is not mine, that she's Lucas' daughter.” That does not matter! Baby Ali needs your help now!
“I wish I could change the channel. Isn't there anything better on?” Samantha says the show should not break the fourth wall when it is this awful as it only highlights how boring this plot is.
“And now what, hmm? You think you can just come over here and manipulate me into some kind of action?” Someone has to do something, Good EJ! You just sit around being good and stupid.
“And, Samantha, if you were under the impression that I can get you back custody of Ali, you're wrong. Lucas has rights. You might not like it, but that's the law.” We do not care about dumb laws, Good EJ! Evil EJ is not bound by any rule of man!
“How can you be so cavalier about this?” Good EJ is not very bright, Sami.
“How can you be so outraged about it, Samantha? Hmm? It's not the end of the world. You're sharing custody of your daughter with her father. It's not like you're never gonna see her again, okay?” Lucas tried to kill Evil EJ, and he is even stupider than Good EJ! He will forget to give Baby Ali food! Someone must save her!

Good EJ is really just mad that Sami and Nicole broke all his nice crayons.

“I got John Black who's starting a war against Tony and me for control of the DiMera fortune. I got my father hold up in the back there about to unleash hell at any given moment. My life, Samantha, has been turned upside down!” and “My point, if it is not incredibly clear, is that I don't have time to deal with either of your problems. Just take a deep breath, all right, relax, and leave me out.” Samantha thinks that Good EJ should be happy his daddy is okay, not complaining. And why not ask him for help since he is smart and evil? Because Good EJ is too stupid to do so! Blinded by goodness! Evil EJ would take advantage of every available resource to protect his family, and he would not complain like a loser about it either.

“Go ahead and focus on your spoiled little life and your really ‘difficult’ problems while I go rescue my daughter without your assistance.” Samantha believes that our daddy being awake upstairs would be a problem that concerns Sami, but apparently Sami is too busy being mean to Good EJ to see that.
“Samantha, if you are about to do something monumentally stupid, I suggest you reconsider.” We do not think the writing will let you or Sami do anything not stupid, Good EJ.
“So that I could what, be more passive and ineffectual like you?” Yes! Good EJ does nothing! He is no help at all!
“The judge made a ruling, okay? That's the end of it.” Only because you are a girl! Evil EJ would so do many more things. He is smart!
“Look, I understand that this is difficult for you, okay? But like I said, Samantha, it's not the end of the world, all right? So you're just gonna have to...be strong.” And like Evil EJ says, strength comes from power, which you do not have, stupid Good EJ.

Samantha says Good EJ really should not talk to himself as it is a sign that you are crazy. Also, Good EJ needs to lock the front door. People should not be able to wander in and out of the house, or they will take your toys.

We think the bear is very cute! Why he is yellow we are not sure about. We also do not know why Lucas has turned Baby Ali into a hippie.

This is none of Nicole’s business! If she keeps this up, Evil EJ said he will find a way around the writing and stab her to death himself. He also said we will get to keep Pookie and give her a new name like Creeping Death or Cupcake.

Samantha says she misses Officer Chuck.

And we both miss Evil EJ on screen! He would fix everything! He would kill everyone there except Sami and Baby Ali, and everyone would live happily ever after! Samantha says that the show is stupid for favoring Good EJ instead. And our grade is still -42.

The review completed, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha look at each other thoughtfully.

Samantha (considering): “The cage is no help with Good EJ’s magic hat. We are going to have to deal with him somehow. Even if Evil EJ won’t let us kill him.”

Evil Crazy EJ (on the same page): "Yes, Samantha, we are going to have to figure out a way to neutralize his horrible sticky goodness.”

Samantha (getting up with her husband): “Maybe we can take out some of his insides and sell them online? If Good EJ needs machine friends to keep him alive, he will have to stay in bed, so Evil EJ can be the EJ on the show.”

Evil Crazy EJ (kissing his wife on the cheek): “Brilliant idea, sweetheart! We can ask Evil EJ if that would be alive enough. You are so smart!”

Samantha (beaming): “Thank you for the compliment! You’re so sweet, Evil Crazy EJ!”

Samantha (winking at her husband): “Race you! Last place gets the less fun Happy Meal toy!”

Giggling, Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha run out of the room to go see Evil EJ.

Evil EJ Reviews Monday, September 8th, 2008

2008-09-09T00:00:00.002-06:00

“Yes? Carpe? Slow down, darling, you’re even more incoherent than usual. No, I haven’t watched the show yet, I had to take Evil Crazy EJ and Samantha to Best Buy to pre-order the new album by that insipid band you three like. Yes. Yes, I am going to insult Metallica in front of you, and I-wait, what? Again? Damn. No, no, don’t apologize, I understand. I’ll take care of it. This requires a firm hand. You’re welcome. I’ll talk to you again soon. Goodbye.”

So I hear due to the “writing,” and I use the word extremely loosely, my unfortunate better half is currently infecting the show with his insidious goodness and unwavering stupidity. Let’s survey the damage, shall we?

I see that in order to better camouflage himself, my archnemesis has attempted to imitate my dress and facial hair. But it’s not going to work, Good EJ. The vacant look in your eyes gives you away, not to mention the weak body language.

“The reality of the situation is that you and Lucas are no longer together. The judge took everything under consideration, and he decided to award joint custody. You don't have a choice but to comply with the court's decision.” Yes, because we care so much about laws, don’t we, Pansy EJ? Upright citizen fulfilling the bare minimum that is expected of us in order to maintain the thin veneer of an excuse we call civilization, eh?
“I understand the concept of sharing custody, okay? That is not what I am fighting about. Just...the idea of packing her up and carting her off. It's just not right. I have a terrible feeling about this.” Ah, yes, let’s borrow dialogue from Star Wars because George Lucas is known for his wonderful cadence, isn’t he?

“Look, Samantha, I understand this is difficult for you, but it's not like you lost complete custody of Ali. I think the judge's decision was fair.” You would, you pathetic maggot.
“Well, I don't. I have a really bad feeling about this. I have a bad feeling about her being taken away from me, even for a weekend.” As well you should, Samantha.
“Okay, but you need to understand-this is out of your hands.” Only because you have feet of clay.
“No, it's not. I'm not being unrealistic here. I am being cautious, and I don't understand why people can't see that.” They are weak, unwilling to protect what’s theirs.
“Well, frankly, I don't think that anybody quite understands where you're coming from.” I do, and I’m more than certain the audience does. Try to keep up, old chap.
“It's about doing what's best for her. And I don't think taking her away from everything that is familiar to her is what's best, especially the way it's happening-pulling her away from all this stuff so harshly. I just think she won't understand.” An entirely logical and valid concern.
“I think she's more like her mother than you think.” She’s wonderful.
“Well, that's not exactly comforting. I mean, look what happened to me in my childhood, with my fathers coming and going with no reasonable explanation. My mom was taken from me and then miraculously brought back. All of that completely messed me up. I wasn't exactly a poster teen for mental health.” If you had been, you wouldn’t be the woman we love, sweetheart.
“Samantha, if you don't want to upset her, just do your part. She'll take a cue from you, you know? It's about time you start trying to make things better instead of making them worse.” Indecent cretin. That is your job as the head of the household. We protect our woman and our offspring.
“What is that supposed to mean? What exactly could I have done to make things better?” How about kneeing Little Miss Sunshine here in the groin?
“Well, to start off with, you could have stayed married to me.” Oh, the pantywaist thinks he can go there, does he?

“What I mean is, I think things would have turned out differently if you and I were still married.” The demo wouldn’t have dropped to 1.2 again, that’s for certain.
“How would being married to you have helped my case?” Him? Not all. Me? In every way conceivable.
“Besides, I don't need you or Lucas. I can take care of and provide for my children all by myself.” It’s a nice sentiment, my dear, but a very unrealistic one.
“How? Samantha, you don't have any viable income. You don't have a permanent residence.” Don’t forget the horribly spotty job history.
“Not to mention the fact that Lucas is an ex-con, for God's sake. I'm sure the judge really considered that little gem.” If I were in charge, the judge would have only had to consider which ocean he would have his private island surrounded by.
“The judge would have to consider that little gem, but he would also have to consider things like the difficulties that you had with Will.” Let’s not think about young William more than we have to, shall we?

“You need to be realistic. This is about the most natural thing in the world.” Nature is for us to rise above, Pansy EJ.
“What is?” Exactly, darling.
“Two parents who don't live together coming together to raise their child. I don't know why you can't understand that.” She understands just fine. She just doesn’t agree, you patronizing git.
“Look, I don't care what you say. I'm not giving her up. I won't do it.” As well you shouldn’t, Samantha.
“Samantha, Lucas is her father.” Yes, let’s acknowledge the “rightful” place of the worthless loser who nearly murdered us and left Ali to wander outside by herself.
“Samantha, I couldn't love Ali any more if she were my own, you know? That's why I went to such great lengths to try and keep our family together.” And by “I” you mean me, Strawberry Shortcake.
“Oh, that's right. By lying about the annulment and getting a court order so that I can't leave this nuthouse with my son.” Our home is not a mental institution, sweetheart.
“Samantha, I did those things to help you.” Of course we did!
“To help me? Have you lost your mind? You think it was helping me to keep me held hostage here? I still can't take my son out of this house. Do you realize how twisted that is?” But in such a wonderful way. Johnny, you, us. One happy evil family.
“Samantha, my motivation has always been you, doing what I can to protect those that I love.” Yes, we did what was necessary.
“That is not love, EJ. That is control. You think I'm a control freak? You are the worst.” Ah, but my dear, love is control. I would think you would know that by now.

“Ali's a baby. I'm her mother. No judge in the world is gonna take her away from me.” Not if I had anything to say about it, anyway.
“The second thing is that after you file, you need to be a perfect model citizen, which means not plotting and scheming. Don't give me that innocent look.” Why don’t you ask our beloved not to breathe too, cupcake?
“What do you expect me to do-just wait around for the courts to decide what's best? It could take months for them to sort out this mess.” All the more reason to take matters into your own hands, sweetheart.
“All right. After you file, you need to understand that every move that you make- everything that you do-is going to be subject to the scrutiny of the courts. I know how you are...and I'm telling you-I'm not gonna have you pulling any of these stunts around Johnny.” Oh yes, heaven forbid our son get a head start on learning the manipulative skills he needs.
“No. I'm telling you you need to remain focused and you need to act responsibly. And if you don't...you're gonna force me to choose Johnny over you.” Idle threats from someone as timid as you are, Pansy EJ, not that you should ever say that to our Samantha anyway. We do not compromise on our family. Ever.

If only my father were to have inappropriately have shown up here. That would have clarified things rather quickly. Alas. Off at the links again, I suppose.

“The judge called. You knew this was coming, Samantha. Lucas' official time with Ali starts now. You have to let her go.” No one makes our Samantha do anything but us. Situations like these are why firearms were invented.

You do know that instead of attempting to comfort Samantha and then leaving her to her own devices which will inevitably fail, you could take matters into your own hands and fix this entire situation. But that would be wrong, and we can’t do anything even slightly bad now, can we? You inflexible worm.

Here we are at the end of today's show, and after such a sickening travesty of supposed "justice," even I need a drink. In summary, my beloved Samantha is currently performing her best impersonation of a thirteen year old girl, and we are an impotent brain dead automaton. Lovely. Thank you, Good EJ, and thank you, Dena, for such a stunning display of storytelling ineptitude. Keep it up, my dear, and you won’t have a show to ruin.

The Pretty Crappy Week of September 1st, 2008, in Review

2008-09-07T00:09:00.004-06:00

Tuesday

“Pompous idiot!” Stefano, you can’t say that and expect to get anywhere, brainwashing or no brainwashing.

Wednesday

The worst part about being in a waking coma for Stefano? Missing his daily allotment of Diet Mountain Dew.

“So, Elvis, I am told...that you are working for John. Is that true?” Yup.
“I'm working for Mickey Horton's Law Firm. John's a client.” What? Um, that’s not what happened a few weeks ago. Sheesh, don’t mind me, Days, I just watch the damn show.

If Days were a sitcom, Stefano would be the hardworking single parent trying to make ends meet, Tony the belligerent teenage son, and EJ the quiet boy who obediently does his homework at the kitchen table.

“As soon as I win custody, I'm taking my daughter out of this pit of human degradation.” Dude, that just makes the DiMansion sound even cooler! And push Luloe harder, show, please.

“I hate to say it, but it appears from the script the show is even worse tomorrow.”

“While we're talking about it, Samantha and I are extremely comfortable, as are the twins.” Yes, the DiMansion is lovely, isn’t it?
“Face it, Father. EJ and I have every right to be here.” Actually, you don’t, as it is his house.
“You two have no idea what you are doing.” Well, that’s more of the writing’s fault, Stefano.
“Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. See, we've learned quite a lot watching you.” I bet, EJ.
“Ah, yes. Elvis, my observant son. I'm sure you have. But, you know, I'm not worried, because the bottom line here is that Stefano DiMera will win one way or the other. So...here is to my sons. Go ahead. Bring it on.” Yes, shall we?

“Say what you want, but I am perfectly innocent. And I dare you to prove otherwise.” Exactly. No proof, no crime, baby!

Thursday

I’m thinking this injunction required some illegal maneuvering on EJ’s part. Neither he nor Tony have any legal claim to live in a house they don’t own.

“The DiMera fortune, huh? Well, heaven forbid that my two sons would have to fend for themselves.” Stefano does have a point here. It’s not like Tony or EJ built the damn thing.
“I would like to speak to each of you one-on-one.” Talk about horrible exposition. Ugh!

“I am so disappointed in you, Elvis. Of all my children, you were the one that I felt closest to.” Years of intentional conditioning tend to do that.
“Really? That would probably explain why you kicked me out, then, eh?” He was mad, EJ.
“No. See, you have a choice, son. I would be a very happy man to have you here. But it would require certain concessions on your part.” Man, Stefano is rusty. Concessions? Dude, sell it as benefits! You get to be an unquestioning solider, and it’s totally awesome!
“Selling my soul to the devil? No, thank you.” Two days in Salem time, and we’ve gone from “Father” to this? This kind of instant reversal with absolutely no transition is why I can’t take you seriously, show. It’s damaging to EJ’s characterization when you don’t build up these sort of moments. It makes him look bi-polar. Sigh.
“Is that really the way you see me, Elvis? After everything I've done for you?” Blame the writing, Stefano. Blame the writing.
“Why not, hmm? I mean, look at you. You're this master of manipulation... just incessantly controlling my life, Tony's life. Well, I'm sorry. Legacy or no legacy, when I grow up, I don't want to be like you.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9bMjzhipTk

I don’t want to grow up
I’m a Toys ‘R Us kid

This allusion better mean something or it’s a waste of a perfectly inventive shot.

“I want you to consider seriously about your future, eh? Imagine the three of us working together, like a magnificent triumvirate, huh? Because the possibilities are unlimited. Now, despite whatever you may think, I have worked very hard for everything that I have. And nothing would give me more pleasure than to be able to share the fruits of my labor-our labor-someday. But...it cannot happen unless we have your unwavering loyalty.”
“By which he means we'll continue to be his little puppets.”

“When I was with Samantha, there's a part of me that felt like I was cheating on you. Strange, isn't it?” Not really. The show has to keep this “triangle” going somehow.

Friday

I do not like these frames for Sami. Ug-ly.

“Samantha, you're a wonderful mother.” EJ loves to complement Sami.
“I just don't want to lose her, EJ.” Of course not.

“Are we, uh-are we gonna talk about what happened in the stairwell?” And here EJ goes again. It’s reassurance time!
“I thought we already did.” Yes, you did. But not from his point of view.
“Samantha, a few words quickly exchanged immediately after the fact hardly constitutes a conversation.” It does between emotionally healthy adults, EJ, but you don’t qualify as one of them, do you?
“What are you talking about? We were open and honest with each other about our feelings.” Exactly. But that’s not enough for him. You get to talk about it again! Isn’t fulfilling EJ’s incessant emotional needs fun?
“Okay, but now that a little bit of time has passed, there's been a little bit of distance between it, I'm just gonna ask you again-do you regret it?” Because EJ needs to hear it again. He needs continual external emotional support which is why he brings this stuff up all the damn time.
“No.” Good. That’s what he needs to know. Don’t tweak when he asks you again either.

“Then I would force Lucas to choose between me and Allie, and I don't want to lose him.” Make him choose you, Chloe!

“Look, EJ, I like you a lot. And I think we could be really good together. But I'm losing my patience, so you better figure out what you want, and you better do it sooner rather than later.” Oh, I think he already knows, Nicole.

Of course joint custody isn’t acceptable. Lucas sucks.

Grade:

Not that you ever had it to begin with, Days, I’m just saying.

I mean, thank goodness the show is starting to suck again. I was concerned after that great hospital storyline that Days might actually build on it or something. Instead we get the junior high lunchroom Ejole/Ejami/Lumi/Luloe mess, and the DiEmpire plotline reduced to wrist-slitting dialogue like “when I grow up, I don't want to be like you.” Nothing is getting resolved anywhere, and it’s horrifically boring on top of it. Talk about taking ineptitude to a new level. Soaps may move slow, but they move. This is the same crap that’s been going on since May! No wonder the ratings are already tanking again. And EJ, if being your father’s solider means you’re completely devoted to your Samantha while being your own man means you say sickly sweet nothings to Nicole, ruse or no ruse, well, perhaps Stefano was right after all.

The bottom line? We need Evil EJ back, and we need him right now.

Friday, August 29th, 2008

2008-09-01T19:03:00.002-06:00

That’s Casual Evil EJ for you. Sami hasn’t asked for his help yet, and he’s already telling Mickey how worried she is about Ali.

“And how ridiculous is that? That we just sat back and allowed this con artist to call the shots, a man who knows nothing about our family. He's just an added blemish to the name. And with him running things, how do you expect any of us, including your son, to ever become respected citizens of this community?” Sheesh, tell us how you really feel, Tony. You are quite the gray character now, aren’t you?
“John's done nothing but make a mess of things, but I told you I would take care of this.” That’s so not what happened in your stairwell convo last Friday, but whatever.
“Right now, the only person that he thinks is any kind of threat is Father. He thinks I'm on his side.” He’s not the only one.
“Take a more assertive approach. Why hide what we're after? Stand up and claim what's rightfully ours. Hence our moving in-step one.” I like boldness as much as the next chick, Tony, but that’s the wrong approach here.
“Tony, you're forgetting about one rather large impediment. Father.” Bingo!
“But I think we both know he's not gone from our lives forever. I mean, this is Father, you know. He's laying low. He's watching. He's waiting. He's biding his time until it's safe for him to return.” Exactly. EJ knows his father.
“Which won't be for a long time, if ever. So, you see, he can't possibly be a threat or even an impediment to our cause.” Tony does not.

“Let’s see, strega, cigars, champagne, opera recordings, Metallica’s new “Death Magnetic” CD, “The Sopranos" on DVD-wait, what?”

“I don't think it's a joke at all. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Father was on his way here” and “I don't know. I sincerely doubt that he sent all of this stuff just to have a laugh at us.” Ah, Evil EJ, you already know that Stefano was in the mansion yesterday, and you’re not sharing that knowledge with Tony. Excellent.

“This is about standing up for what's right, turning this family around and not just or me or us, but for the whole family as well-for Alexandra, for little Johnny, for Theo. And getting that ruthless, arrogant android out of this place-this place that should be ours.”
“Oh, and EJ’s home, too. Let's not forget about him.”
“Oh, I haven't forgotten about him. But one thing at a time, darling. One thing at a time.” Ah, Tony’s picked up on Evil EJ’s evil intentions for the DiEmpire. But seriously? Tony, Tony, Tony…you really think Evil EJ is going to let you run things? Not to mention Stefano? He likes EJ a lot more than he likes you.
“Oh, excuse me. Yes, DiMera residence.” Dude, does anyone not on a television show actually answer the phone like this?

Grade: B+. Yes, there was a lot of Tanna, and I’m always up for the dialogue to improve, but I’m loving how this is shaping up here. John vs. Tony vs. EJ vs. Stefano in the ultimate grudge match! And EJ is playing all three sides! Totally sweet! I’m very pleased with Evil EJ’s chosen strategy here, especially since John treats EJ like his slow learning part-time Wal-Mart associate, and Tony is treating him like a useless kid brother he can’t wait to ditch with all the “follow my lead” and “you and I have to get a few things straight.” Neither of them respects him, which EJ knows since he’s not being honest with either of them, just telling them both what they want to hear. I approve of the stealth. Let them both think you are on their side, and then after they’ve tired themselves fighting it out, take it all for yourself. The bottom line is John and Tony are going about this all wrong. Underestimating both Stefano and EJ is a grave mistake. While things may be “not good” between EJ and Stefano right now, their goals are much more compatible with each other than John’s Blackening of the DiEmpire and Tony’s zeal to restore the family name, and they don’t even have to work together to make a joint impact. Either EJ or Stefano is going to come out the victor here, and neither of those scenarios bode well for Tony or John. As for EJ vs. Stefano, well, I need more information. Whatever serious issues there are between them, EJ loves his father, and he’s still susceptible to Stefano’s influence to due to his extensive conditioning. Yet he will choose Sami and the twins over his father. So we’ll see, won’t we?

Monday, August 25th, 2008

2008-09-01T19:01:00.002-06:00

Still no outfit change? It’s official. This one day in Salem took nearly three weeks on screen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcNUx0-XEfw

Yeah, I can't watch this
Look, show, I can't watch this
You better bury Lumi
Before the ratings tank again
I can't watch this

“I'm sorry. This is just getting to me, too. Here, come on. I'm sure it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine.” Little moments like this are why Ejami is so compatible. Emotionally, they need reassurance, so EJ hugging Sami is very comforting for both of them. Highlight of the episode.

Grade:

Ejami A-, rest F. The two seconds of Ejami were lovely. The rest? Not so much. Do I know that in Salem time Lumi broke up only two days ago? Yes, yes, I do. Do I care? No, no, I don’t. It’s not my fault time is wonky on the damn show. I don’t need to see more Lumi, and only on a soap could someone with Lucas’ criminal and substance abuse history have a shot at any sort of custody. He has no case-Stefano isn’t going to take Ali or Johnny. They’re not in Sami’s old crappy apartment anymore; they’re living in his mansion, exactly where he would want them to be in order to raise them as proper DiMeras. Seriously, Days, now that the excellent hospital crisis is over, you need to keep up the momentum. Hurry this stuff up. The ratings are just going to drop again if you don’t.

Ejami Stairwell Kiss

2008-08-23T21:11:00.001-06:00

Ejami finally made the Week in Review photos again, and this one is lovely.

Clothing Lovemaking Solidarity Banner

2008-08-23T21:08:00.000-06:00

Did you enjoy Ejami time in the stairwell? Feel free to use my banner wherever you'd like.

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

2008-08-23T20:30:00.002-06:00

So to Tony it’s “That fact that he seems to considers himself to be rather invincible,” “I'm not entirely sure if our father's legacy is something that I really wish to continue,” and “John has been pretty good to me.” But to his father earlier in the day, it’s “I've always rather felt you were indestructible,” “I did not betray you,” and “I have my own reasons for wanting John destroyed.” Tony, Tony, Tony…you know EJ here about as well as Lexie does, apparently. He likes that the DiEmpire is evil, and he loves Stefano. Anyone not named Sami, Johnny, Ali, or Stefano should never ever trust EJ. Damn, EJ is smart. Letting Tony think he had to con EJ into this totally leaves him underestimating EJ. “Honest power?” No such thing.

“There are some very important papers in here, all right? I will need them later on.” Dare I hope the show remembered Ali’s paternity results? And Stefano wearing an all black suit now means he’s even more evil than last time as he wore white shirts with his black suits then.

“You're not the only one who's on shaky ground when it comes to romance. It’s almost as if we were on a soap or something.”

“So, this is the famous stairwell, huh? Or should I say infamous?” Sheesh, they only have so many sets, Nicole. Lay off.

“What's that? EJ DiMera at a loss for words?” And jokes.
“Are you in love with me?” EJ wants to be loved more than anything.
“No, I am not. I didn't say that.” Of course Nicole totally doesn’t get that. It’s all about her.
“You have quite the ego. Actually, I find you pompous, kind of stuffy.” It’s called class, Nicole. But you wouldn’t recognize that if it bit you on the butt.
“You know, you're not even my type. And by the way, I don't even blame Sami for what happened.”
“Good, you shouldn’t. It's not her fault. Go ahead and blame me.”
“I was getting there. It is all you.” No, it’s not, and you saying it is just reinforces his worldview as an abuse victim. Did Sami blame EJ when he apologized to her? Of course not. She’s starting to catch on.
“You know, my first impression of you...was that you were in a class all of your own. I was dead wrong. You are a prototype, EJ.” Archetype, Nicole! Ugh!

“It's just not the same as it is with somebody else.” Yup. Better. She’s your Samantha.
“I'm a liar? I've never lied to you.”
“When have you not?” Nicole is totally right here. It is what he does.
“How about when I told you that I cared for you and I told you that I had feelings for you?”
“You know what, EJ? Is that supposed to make me feel better? I mean, you made out with Sami in the stairwell, and 20 minutes later, you have the gall to announce your half-baked feelings for me?”
“They're not half-baked. I care about you very much. I think you're wonderful. I think you're fantastic. I love being in your company. We've talked about the situation with Samantha. It's difficult. She's the mother of my child, and that means a lot to me. It means maybe more than it should mean.” Not really. You’ve always wanted a family.
“No, no, it doesn’t. It doesn't mean-you don't even know what you want, EJ.” I gotta disagree with you here, Nicole. You see, EJ is asking you to emotionally support him, which is different from his romantic love for Sami. He didn’t mention you once to Sami, yet brought up Lucas several times over. Right now he wants you to reassure him because he can’t do it himself. That’s what he’s saying. You aren’t listening.

You know, I went from uncontrollable rage at Ejole yesterday to amusement at Ejole today. Why? He looks like he’s about to cry, and she yells at him? For the second time, EJ’s shown his true emotional self to Nicole, and she’s immediately recoiled, dumped him, and literally run away. EJ is an open wound, and it’s way too much for Nicole to handle. Now she keeps coming back because she thinks these moments are exceptions to the rule, so it’s going to have to happen at least one more time for her to see that they are in fact the norm, that EJ’s always going to be like this. Being with him is to be drowned in his neverending need for constant reassurance and emotional intimacy. The only woman who can handle that for very long is Sami. With EJ, she’s not smothered, she’s special as she finally gets to be first after all these years. They truly are a perfect match.

“Yeah, well, to be frank, I never found much to admire about the man.” Me neither.
“You know, he and Marlena, they make quite a pair-malevolent, destructive. Well, vengeance will be mine, Rolf. And it will be sweet.” Oh, someone who hates J&M even more than I do!

“Of course I do. I am going to raise up a whole new generation of DiMeras, Rolf. More powerful and invincible than ever.” You keep forgetting prettiest, Stefano.
“The vendetta will live on, you see, in the next generation and generations after that.” And here’s the heart of it. Technically with Colleen dead, the vendetta should be over. But it’s never been about Santo and Colleen or John and Marlena or whoever; it’s always been about Stefano. Dude’s a bad guy. Since he’s a sociopath, he likes messing with people. Having a vendetta just gives him an excuse to do so.

EJ is not built to support himself emotionally, and as such, you can hear in his voice how drained he is here between Sami admitting she cares about him, Stefano waking up, and Nicole dumping him again. And unlike, say Nicole, Sami notices and gets the stuff out of the car, gets a bottle for Ali, and puts the twins to bed herself. She’s totally starting to understand what he needs, even if she’s not aware of that yet.

“Thank God for these two, eh?”
“Are they both asleep? Oh, they're so peaceful looking.” Happy Ejami family!

“This upset you-this broken chess piece. Why?” I did not like the phrasing of this. We can see that it’s broken, sheesh.
“It's the queen. You know, Stefano used to call my mom the Queen of the Night? I mean, this was his-you don't know about any of this?”
“No.” I buy this. EJ would have encyclopedic knowledge about the Bradys otherwise, but not about Stefano’s love life.
“This is Stefano’s doing. I mean, this proves that he's been here in this house. But you knew that, didn't you? That's what you thought when we first walked in, isn't it? You-you knew he had been here. Admit it.”
“Samantha, we don't know anything for certain.” Oh, you most certainly do, EJ.
“What we do know is that this place is no longer safe. Obviously Stefano has been here, and we have to get the kids and get the hell out of here right now.” As a unit!

“Okay, so, to us...standing strong against the forces of an evil, deceitful, egotistical woman who, for some unknown reason, is able to get decent, intelligent, sexy men-one with a really cute British accent-wrapped around her little finger with no trouble at all.” And there’s your mistake, Nicole. EJ is not a decent man.
“Yes, it was just a crush.” Yes. An extremely annoying one.
“You know, and as much as I detest Sami, I blame him for succumbing to Sami's charms or whatever the hell it is he succumbed to. And I told him, too. I told him how disappointed I am in him. Disappointed-I'm furious with him, I mean, for making me believe that I could trust him, and then he turned his back on me.” *shakes head* You don’t understand EJ at all, Nicole. All he’s done is help you, and the instant he asks you for one of the few things he needs in return, you berate him and run away. Twice! Just admit to yourself that he smothers you, that he needs what you will not give.
“Ugh, there's no need to do anything.” Good, less for me to fast forward.
“Sami always eventually shoots herself in the foot. I mean, has she ever been in a happy relationship? Has she ever made anyone happy?” Before she was always chasing men who truly wanted someone else. That’s not the case with EJ.

“Wait? For what? For Stefano to come back and kidnap our child?” Not what he’s going for this time around, Sami. Otherwise he would have done it already and not bothered setting you two up in the stairwell.
“Let me take care of this. I'll talk to John, and I will double the security measures on the house.” Considering that people just keep walking in whenever they want, I’d suggest you start with an automatic deadbolt on the front door.

“Samantha, I'm not gonna let you or those twins out of my sight, but I am not going to run away. My father does not drive my family out of our home.” Exactly. EJ does love Stefano, but Sami and the twins do come first. Yet the fact that he won’t run away with them shows what EJ is really going for here. No more settling. “Our home” and “my family” indeed.

“Okay, EJ, Look, I understand how you feel.” More progress!
“I do, but this isn't our home.” Ah, but it is. Daniel has your apartment, remember?
“Come on, it's John's, right? He inherited it from Stefano. Let them figure it out. Let's you and I get the kids and get the hell out of here.” As a unit again!

“The police? They're so ineffectual when it comes to my father.” Along with everything else. Oh, how I miss Officer Chuck so.

EJ chose to finish Stefano’s drink. Tony, you are so screwed.

“John's not gonna be the master of this house for very much longer.” Oh yeah baby!
“What does that mean?” Good times, Sami. Good times.
“There's the happy couple.” Yes, they are!
“Lucas, would you do me a favor and go back from wherever it is you came from?” Another prime insult opportunity totally wasted. Arrrgh! And I can’t take Lucas seriously with that really fake injury on his face. Not that I ever could, I’m just saying.

Grade: Ejami A, EJ and Tony B, Ejole C. Seriously, don’t worry about Ejole. While it’s entirely annoying to sit through and sadly not over yet, EJ’s going to keep unintentionally scaring away Nicole just by being himself as he’s much too much emotionally for her. And with Lucas popping up here, it’s clear that originally we would have had Lumi and Ejole for months as Ejami fought over Johnny. That would have taken forever and killed the show in the meantime, which is why TPTB axed the Ejami custody fight and had Stefano hasten Lumi’s demise and move Ejami forward with clothing sex. So now we’re getting a vastly shortened version of the same plot with Lumi being kept open by a technicality at this point (Ali’s paternity), and Sami almost at the point where she’ll keep EJ away from Nicole. Sami’s never had a problem getting her man; it’s been keeping him that hasn’t stuck as she was always their second choice. But EJ is different. Unlike Dallas, Brandon, or Lucas, she is the woman of his dreams…his Samantha. Once she gives herself completely to him, it will be as he said last February, “you and I are bound together forever.” She just needs to step up, love him, and completely support him emotionally, and she’s starting to do so bit by bit. And I’m loving how the DiEmpire stuff is coming along with EJ playing multiple sides. He wants Sami and the twins, his father, and the DiEmpire all on his own terms. Way to go for the brass ring, EJ!

Thursday, August 21st, 2008

2008-08-23T20:25:00.002-06:00

“We can’t do this.” Yup. In Salem time it’s only been two days since Lucas dumped Sami. Ejami is better than that.

It’s been ages since Sami’s looked at EJ like this. She, and we, have come a long, long way.

“Hey, Samantha, just tell me that this is not just all about-that it wasn't a mistake, that it wasn't due to the circumstances, that it wasn't to do with-”
“It wasn’t...because of the gas here...because of being trapped here. What happened, happened. I know what I said. I meant it. I couldn't imagine my life without you, EJ.”
“Thank you. I couldn't imagine my life without you. Come here.” Actual progress! Woot!

And this says it all. Sami is almost where EJ needs her to be, but not quite.

“Is that your backhanded way of asking me whether or not I'm going to punish you for shooting Elvis, hmm? No. At least not now.” Yeah, with EJ completely recovered and Ejami slowly coming together, it’s water under the bridge at this point. But if EJ were still in a wheelchair, I have no doubt that Stefano would have Rolf remove Lucas’ spine in order to repair EJ’s.

“You would never comprehend it. But this-I just want to tell you that I am very happy, and it's a good idea that you are moving on now with the lovely Miss Lane, because it is obvious that Samantha has finally realized that her place is by Elvis' side.” It sounds so powerful when he says it!
“That makes you really happy, doesn't it?”
“It does, indeed.” You and me both, Stefano.
“Fine. If you ask me, I think they deserve each other.”
“They do. And, together, they will be the future of my family.” Yea! Elvis and Samantha DiMera!
“You can go to hell.”
“Ah, well, at least I won't be alone.” Exactly! One happy evil family!

Officer Chuck was a good man. You two are no Officer Chuck.

“I mean, basically, we can tell you the gas is nonlethal. It seemed to cause coughing, drowsiness, dizziness, weakness. It was a mild hallucinogen also that affected everyone except me. I just have this strange need to keep my shirt open for some reason.”

“Yeah, I-I thought that EJ was Stef-” I loved how EJ stopped Sami from finishing the story and how Sami was surprised that he did so. You know Lucas would have been all SHE TRIPPED ME OW whining to Roman.

You can show me shots of Nicole looking sad all you want, Days, and not only do I not feel sorry for her, it just makes me dislike her more.

“Look, physically, he was immobile, but mentally he was completely active the whole time. Marlena trapped him inside his own body.” And EJ is none too happy about it.
“Oh, please. He deserved it-and worse. She should have killed him.” Sami hasn’t caught onto the whole EJ loves his father thing yet.
“Easy, please.” And notice the incredulous look Lexie gave EJ at his words here? She doesn’t understand either.

“Of course I care about Lucas. This whole pentgram mess isn’t over yet.”

"I want to be with Lucas. I want to be with EJ. Lucas or EJ? I have feelings for EJ. Because we have a son together. But, Lucas, I've got to be honest. I still have feelings for you because of our daughter, and I just don't know."
Okay, I actually laughed at this. Man, TPTB’s inability to commit sounds even stupider out loud, doesn’t it?
“No real tie breaker there, is there?” Oh, I wouldn’t worry, Lucas. It will be broken soon enough.
“History always repeats itself with Sami. I'm telling you, we're through. I've come to realize that...we'll never have a chance at being truly happy with each other.” Nope. The Lumi wedding was supposed to be it for you guys. EJ was supposed to have been shot before it, and later down the road he’d bother you again as would have shown up to steal Ali and raise her as a DiMera. Ah, direction changes.

“Hey. Look, I know that we don't know each other very well, but I do know my brother.” What, did your mom fill you in?
“So, um, listen. If there's any way that you can get my brother away from Sami, I say go for it.” You’re only saying that because they retconned Evil EJ killing you and Tek and burying the bodies in a swamp. You wouldn’t if you saw the difference between how Sami treats EJ and how Nicole treats EJ.
“Thank you, Lexie, but I have been down that road before with Sami, and, believe me, I have given it my best shot more times than I want to count with E.J. It's a losing battle, and I don't have the strength to fight it.” Oh, the irony of these words considering what you do tomorrow, Nicole.

“Your open shirt. Hugging together, kissing passionately. Yeah, that visual is burned deep in my brain.” Permanently, I hope.

Show, you are just plain cruel. I want an Ejami baby! And you don’t get bloodwork back instantly either, Lexie.

Joe is a cutie. I hope Stefano didn’t actually do anything to him. Let him grow up first.

“I meant everything I said.” So EJ now has “feelings” for Nicole? Yippie. IMHO this is a change here from Evil EJ at the Java Café or even last week’s stairwell episode, and logistically this is to further delay Ejami as Sami works her way up to “I love you, EJ, and I want to be with you” so we get more Ejole in the meantime. Sucky. Who let Good EJ out of his cage? I don’t buy that EJ loves Nicole, and he’s never told her that, but he’s been burned over and over again by Sami. He’s wary of her screwing him over yet again. Problem for him is, less risk, less reward, as Nicole is incapable of giving him the high level of attention and reassurance he needs. Yet as stupid as this is, it will establish that EJ and Sami truly love each other and are with each other because they want to be and not because of anything else. Moreover, when this is all said and done, Nicole is going to wish that Evil EJ was using her. Just as Jim didn’t want to hurt Karen being with her when he loved Pam on “The Office,” EJ will end up hurting Nicole a lot more this way than if he had told her to get bent today…so it’s not all bad. Jim cut out Karen’s heart in the end.

“EJ...you shouldn't take any chances.” Exactly. EJ doesn’t listen to Nicole tell him to get checked out, but he immediately caves to Sami. It would have been nice if someone would have remembered that he was knocked unconscious, but hey, what’s a possible hairline skull fracture?

Grade: B. Stefano pimping Ejami is hilarious, and Sami has made a ton of progress in a very short time here. Yet while EJ keeping Nicole around is smart so Sami finally commits to him, do I like EJ having “feelings” for Nicole? No. No, I totally don’t. But because of Ali, Lumi is still not totally over yet even with the breakup, so Ejole can’t be either. Like Lumi where Lucas wants Sami to be someone she’s not and Sami is trying to be that woman for him, Ejole is Nicole thinking EJ can love a woman other than Sami and EJ thinking that Nicole is a woman worth putting that kind of effort in to try. Sami is Sami, and EJ loves her. Anything else is just pretend. And if TPTB idiotically drag this out until November sweeps, well, they will have to pull another crisis (the “Ali gets sick, and she’s EJs” cliché?) moving Ejami forward and pushing them as rooting couple because the ratings won’t support it. Seriously, do we really need to keep watching Phelle/Shelle/Shimi: Now with Evil? I’ve seen all of this before! All of it! And the networks wonder why soaps keep declining.

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2008

2008-08-23T20:24:00.000-06:00

It was nice to see him one last time, wasn’t it? Now since he was Hallucination Santo and not actual Santo, the dialogue was kinda off in places (I can’t say I agree that Kid Stefano wasn’t a monster, for instance), but James did a great job here.

Grade: B for Hallucination Santo, C for the Marlena and Sam flashbacks, F for everything else as I really, really hate J&M.

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008

2008-08-23T20:14:00.000-06:00

Damn. EJ needs to wear this on the actual reality of the show.

“I wonder if EJ would love me if Sami was really out of the picture,” and “EJ may always love Sami. And any possibility of him falling in love with me really is nothing but a fantasy,” and “I can't even get EJ in my own imagination.”

'Beauty is truth, truth beauty—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mw6H3crLzpg

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Grade: F+. The plus is for EJ looking lovely in his old school white suit; the rest totally sucked. Now, did this stupid fantasy make it clear to everyone that Nicole is barely an interloper in the Ejami storyline and someone that EJ could never love? Sure. But we already knew that. And even if that hadn’t been the case, which it totally was, the abominable ratings would have made it so. Ugh, I’m just glad it’s over. On with the actual show, show!

Monday, August 18th, 2008

2008-08-23T20:11:00.000-06:00

“I don't understand what he sees in her.” The one woman on earth who can salve the scars on his soul.
“I don't understand how he could choose to be with somebody he has to convince to love him.” He doesn’t. If you were watching the show, Nicole, you’d know that Sami has loved EJ since February 2007. Everything EJ’s done since then has just been to get her to admit that to herself.
“And I don't understand why I think it's possible for me to ever be with someone like him.” It’s not. If EJ weren’t with Sami, he’d be back to playing pretty girls like Mexico chick, not you.

Now that’s better. And, Days, this wasn’t nearly long enough.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fW_QCRGvT-g

Silk suit, black tie
I don’t need a reason why
They come running just as fast as they can
Cuz every girl crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed man

“Your husband doesn't know how to treat you like a lady.” Truer words were never spoken.

Okay, so Nicole suffocates Sami to death here, and back in the Broe storyline, Nicole also fantasized about doing the same thing to Chloe. I’m guessing someone has some unresolved issues with her mother.

Grade: D-. I tried to like this, I really did, but it’s all style, no substance. It’s clear the actors had fun, but it’s a mismash of 40s film noir stereotypes instead of the actual characters on the show. Thus, it’s much less interesting to me because of that. At least it looked nice.

Friday, August 15th, 2008

2008-08-23T20:08:00.001-06:00

20 years exiled on an island, and Tony hallucinates that Stefano is disappointed in him? Someone still cares about his dad.

“EJ-EJ, you have to be okay. EJ, please. Please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I said. I'm-I'm sorry. I know it's not your fault. I know you didn't do this. Okay. I know it's not your fault. I know it was because of Stefano, and I'm so sorry I said those things to you, but you have to help me, remember? You promised that you'd help me fight Stefano, and you'd help me get out of here. Please-please, EJ, you have to be okay, and “I'm so sorry. EJ, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything I said. I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was you. I'm so sorry. Please-please, you can't leave me. You have to be okay. EJ, I'm sorry. My-my life won't be the same without you. Please. Please! Please.” This was great. Not only because of the admission that Sami wants EJ in her life, but because it’s so typical Sami. She’s such a spaz. I love it.

Okay, so to check for injuries, Sami completely undoes his shirt and then instead of seeing that he’s obviously breathing, she puts her hand up to his mouth to check? Apparently Sami learned first aid from Playgirl.

I found it odd that banging his head turned EJ into Hugh Grant temporarily. His voice usually isn’t this high pitched.

“You said that you couldn't imagine your life without me,” “This is the right time. This is exactly the right place,” “Samantha, would you please look at me? I just want to know if you meant it,” “That's not what I'm asking. You know that's not what I'm asking, all right? I would like to know where you and I stand, and I'd also like to know where you stand with Lucas,” and “Come on, Samantha. It's about a lot more than that. You know it is.” EJ is relentless. He knows Sami loves him, and he’s not going to stop until she finally opens the door and lets him in.

“Look, Lucas came back, and I focused on that and him and what he had seen, and I just was desperate to make sure we reconnected, because I wanted us to get back together, and that's all I thought about, and so I-”
“That's why you-so you pushed me away. Is that what you're saying? That's what you're saying.”
“Well, I forced myself to ignore everything else-to ignore how I felt about you and about what happened that night.” This is a total retcon. None of the last two months happened like this, but hey, whatever. Maybe if you squint.
“Look, that night changed everything. Maybe it was a mistake that we had sex, but I can't take it back. I can't change what happened. I can't change how I feel about you. Then I have to stop lying to myself about it.” Yes! Finally! Sami is admitting her feelings for EJ!

“And now...what are your feelings, huh?” See, what did I tell you?
“Samantha, did you mean it? Come on. Please. Did you mean it?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I did.”
“Thank you.” Yes, thank you, show! Yea!

“Really, Nicole, you should have seen this coming. Ejole was an obstacle couple at best.”

EJ can always calm Sami. As she’s said herself, he is her rock, her pillar of strength.

“I'd really like to know how you feel about Lucas. I mean, right here, now.” And here’s the start of some really crap dialogue. Way too direct. Who talks like this?
“I love him...and I always will. But he doesn't...want to have anything to do with me, and I have to deal with that and...move on.” Finally. We were talking next ice age at the rate you were going, Sami
“Do you think that...I mean, Lucas saying this was part of the reason that you realized that you had these feelings for me?” Way to confuse the issue, writers.
“I didn't say that. No, that's not how it is.” Exactly!
“I mean, how is it?” Argh!
“I don't know. I mean, you were lying there on the floor, and I thought you were dead, and I thought I had killed you, and... I guess just a lot of things hit me, you know, all at once.” Yeah, “things.” Please.
“Well, things like what?” That’s what I’d like to know.
“I don't know. Just... maybe that anything's possible. I'm sorry. I can't promise you anything more than that.” I know it’s been only two days since Lumi broke up, but way to barely take the bar off of the floor, Sami.
“No, that's fine. That's a lot more that what I hoped for.” Oh, damn. This line sucks! Seriously, EJ is not this pathetic. He lacks self-identity, not self-esteem.

“Can we just stay like this? EJ, just tell me everything's gonna be okay.” Finally Sami is giving back to EJ. He loves this sort of emotional closeness.
“Sure. Everything's gonna be okay.” And it will be. See? EJ is thinking.

Does this look like the veritable cover of a romance novel or what?

Clothing sex. For his pleasure.

Turnabout is fair play, Nicole.

Grade: A-. Honestly, I had to rewatch this episode to really appreciate it. It starts and ends very strong, but the middle is much weaker than it could have been due to the crap dialogue. It’s too nonspecific and direct, and someone doesn’t know the difference between needy and pathetic. EJ is needy because he has no self-identity, so he requires Sami to support him emotionally. He is not pathetic because he has very high self-esteem, the very definition of confidence and arrogance. The lines in here are in the right neighborhood for him, but the wrong side of the street. Hopefully they’ll get it right next time. I did like how EJ didn’t mention Nicole once because as far as he’s concerned, only Lucas is in the way. As we already know, he doesn’t give a crap about Nicole and was only using her to get Sami. Overall, there was a lot to like here, especially the cuddling, the kiss, and the clothing sex. It’s also so gratifying to see Sami make progress at long last. She’s let Lucas go and admitted she has feelings for EJ. Now she just has to accept that she loves him. Finally, while he may have coughed a lot, I find it interesting that in the end, EJ’s the one who hasn’t hallucinated anything. The heir, indeed.

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

2008-08-23T20:05:00.000-06:00

And here is yet another reason why Ejami is so spellbinding. For the tainted relationship between Stefano and Marlena to be reborn as a loving one in their children is powerful material.

Grade: A- for Stefano and Marlena, D- for the rest.